I messed up last night and deleted a bunch of what I had written which is really annoying. I went too bed at like 6:30pm and had a couple hours of pretty solid sleep. I got up and took my med that I needed to take late for testing and had something for tea and went back to bed a bit after 10. I slept through again pretty solidly until a bit after 2am. The spasms have been pretty decent tonight which has been a real relief.
Ive woken up in a pretty crappy mood, it wasnt helped when I saw my sister hadnt given Dad her medications and hadnt said anything to me when I got up, they had been placed nearish me except another pack were still on her side of the table. I dont know why she has two packs, again nothing was said to me about that. I didnt think about her meds when I woke at 9:30, I mean I lasted like max 45 min, did my meds had something to eat and a few smokes and went back to bed. I know that she is of the opinion that I should be 100% at all times, that I should be on top of all things at any given moment. The fact is that Im not and some help or common curtousy would be appreciated. She could have pointed out the meds before I went to back to bed, that she hadnt given them to Dad as I asked her to. If she is trying to prove something like she can be trusted with her medication she is going about that the wrong way. Want to gain my trust, then give it to Dad like I said or point it out to me if you decided on the other option to give it to me when I woke up. Additionaly, you dont have to prove anything to me really, I have no influence on when you have an increase in the amount of meds you can hold at a time. I do exactly what your GP says, thats it.
Another 4 hours of decent sleep. My alarm woke me up for my blood test, which Im not too happy about, waking up that is. Im pretty tempted to go have my test and go back to bed. I was super thirsty over night and its carried over to this morning. Ive got a few things I want to achieve today, Ill see how I go. Im not at all keen to go today to the specialist with my sister. I dont feel like she wants me there, not just questioning if I want to definately come but just in general I dont think she wants me at her stuff. She is doing what she can to cut me out for some reason, its her medical stuff but it wasnt long ago I had to be in with everything, now all the sudden its nothing, its like she is hiding something or didnt actually need me before but it made the day at least a little less boring having me there. Atleast I was someone to put up with her carry on.
Doing the blood tests is off for today, cant find the blasted form so I went in and got some drinks and came home. Ill see if they can reprint the form and try again tomorrow. Holy shit my back hurts today, like frustratingly sore. I pretty much just want to curl up in bed and hide today. I dont want anything to do with anyone. Im not sure why, but today I really dont feel like peopling, I dont want to deal with my sister, Dad and Mum, anyone, it all seems too hard today.
My sister asked me to get smokes while I was in Woolies, they didnt have her kind. So I came home, I dont feel compelled to go to different shops for other peoples habbits which they can get on their own, organise themselves a little bit. She complains about having to go in for Mum and then adds it to my list when I go in. Added to that, she cant even be bothered offering me take out when she goes. I got home and told her no smokes, I have no idea where she is or how she got there but then I get a message asking if I had gone to the servo for her. Which I didnt, I had just picked up 12 bottles of Coke and then put them in the car, that was kind of enough for me. Again get through your head the pain. It came up with Dad, and he asked if I had gone to another shop and then said dont worry about it. Why no one can appreciate or understand the pain Im dealing with. Nor the fact that I just want to be left alone today, just leave me alone. It is likely to be blown out of preportion and I am probably going to be in shit for not serving my princess sister well enough. I still have to at some point take all the bottles of Coke out into my room.
I just got a message back from my sister just saying thanks. Which is her way of saying you're an arsehole for not getting my smokes. I rarely go to woolworths because it causes issues, but the drinks are cheaper and cheap is what I can afford at the moment, well not even that to be honest. But its known that Woolworths is a struggle, why would you think that I would do more, knowing I have to unpack which is normally done the next day because the first part hurts so much. If you dont know that, I dont know where you live and then maybe keep your mouth shut. Like, you dont know that I didnt have other things I was going to do along side of Woolies, you dont know how much I was doing. You assume that going into another shop shouldnt be that much of a deal because it doesnt seem to be for you but you're not living in my shitty body so maybe dont make judegements and assumptions based on what its like for you, its your only point of reference I get it, but you have to LISTEN to what Im saying about my body and base it on that. But its all about her, its all about what she wants and when she wants it, no matter whats going on in my life, her life, her experiences, her, her, her, thats the person that matters. I get this is just getting a pack of smokes, that its no big deal, its not something overly significant, but its added to a long life of failures and disappointent on my behalf and that never outweighs everything I have done for her, the number of times I have gotten smokes, everything I did while she was in hospital, all the times Ive cleaned up after her, blah blah blah. Its never enough and its always a massive deal when you dont do something, anything.
I went back to bed for a bit when I got home, the pain was a bit much and I was really not feeling well. I slept for a couple hours, it was a bit unsettled but I was more after some time laying down to see if that helped and calm things down. But Ive gotten up in more pain than I was, its like the right side of my back is held together with rusty old chains that are pulled tight. I still feel pretty lousy, my head hurts like crazy, I know its spliting hairs but its not a head ache, I have pain in my head, its different to what I know as a headache. My legs ache but are getting better than they have been. Mentally I am struggling, Im not happy, I still want to be curled up in bed, I just want to feel safe and protected and curled up in bed seems to be where I think I will most feel that way. I guess Im feeling pretty vunerable today, I cant exactly say why. I feel really judged lately, like all my actions and inactions are under a microscope and there is always a negative slant to the view. Like everything is looked up view the lens of me being lazy, lying, untrustworthy, etc. No matter what is said or done, those views will not change, those views were well in place before my back got worse. But for some reason I am having a hard time with it, its like it is at the forefront of my mind constantly. Generally, I dont feel well, I cant put my finger on it, but keep getting stomach aches, Im achy all over, and tired, despite the pretty solid sleep I got last night I feel like I need a weeks worth of last night just to feel ok.
I cant decide if I will go or not to this specialist, I dont know if I can deal with being in a car for that long today. I want to go as I said I would but at the same time I think the multiple opportunities not to attend with her are an indication that she doesnt want me to go. She just asked which car to take, I said it would have to be hers, because there is coke in the front seat of the Rav. I havent been in my sisters car as yet cause Im not sure Ill fit, Im a bit scared that I wont fit in a car, that would be a I dunno, it will really hammer home how fat Im am. So if I fit then it looks like Im going. And I dont, the seat is too narrow for me but the seatbelt doesnt get around me. I thought it was going to but its like 3 cm to short to getting in the latch, let alone some room to breath and move. So that puts an end to that. I told her and she said about the Rav, I ummed an arrd and she said, "or just dont come, its honestly fine" I decided against going and her attitude immediately picked up. Really goes to show in my mind that she didnt want me to go.
Im sure she is telling Mum that I didnt fit in the car, Mum wont be tactful or sensitive about it. The next time I go for a shower and she is awake Im sure she is going to say something, it will be hurtful. So another thing to look forward too.
My sister left without me obviously, Dad got home (didnt know he was out) and asked where she was. I said she had gone to her appointment. Arent you supposed to have gone with her? I said I didnt fit in the car, he repeats it in a disapproving voice, which is what I needed. Why didnt you take the Rav, I said its full. Whys it full, I explained that there is bookshelfs in the back and I have cokes in the front. Said that I cant unload it at the moment, which didnt go down well. I mean with the pain and then the depression unloading the Rav is not happening. I was pretty down before I got into the car but Im really down now. Then it was well thats something else I will hear about from your Mother, again like always it was about him and how hard I make his life. It really aggrivates me that I miss one appointment for my sister and its a shit storm. There's no consideration for what Im going through or how I feel. I told my sister to ring me and put me on speaker if they want me to. Its not like Im completly abandoning her. But to me, she made it pretty clear she didnt want me there, I almost guarentee that she wont ring. But I should have just gone, I should have found a way to get there, even if it meant causing myself a lot of pain. If she really wanted me there she could have emptied the front seat of the car but she chose not to do that.
This is something that I really get upset by but couldnt work how to explain it. Something I do or dont do, Mum finds our about, you know my sister tells her. Mum then winges to Dad about it. Thats the issue Dad has, its that he has to hear about it, so he gets mad with me that he is hearing about something I did or didnt do. He has to hear about it, thats his complaint. It doesnt matter what he is hearing is justified, if I was in the right, Mum is being unreasonable or whatever. He had to hear about it therefore he is not happy with me. Maybe thats why he cant stand up for me, he gets too mad that he is having to hear about it. Because that is such a great big burden, listening and he doesnt have to listen he can just say enough and leave. Im old enough to make choices, to determine if I am in a position to do stuff, If I want to do the things I am being asked and Im old enough to do these things without being questioned about it. Everytime I make a choice, whatever it is, that Mum and/or my sister do not agree with it is disected, every sentence of why I made the decision is examined and questioned and the outcome judged. Only thinig is the decision about the choice has already been made and its most certainly not in my favour. They just want to make me jump through hoops so they can systematically tell me how I got it wrong and how they disapprove. Because really I am not allowed to make decisions about my life, especially if they involve my sister and/or Mum, those decisions should be pre-approved with my sister and/or Mum.
I dont play by the rules, I dont tend to consider what Mum/my sister are going to think/do about my decisions. Its my decision, as its my life. They will make it sound like I do nothing for anyone, I am always putting myself first, I never think of anyone. Dad does most the time, he puts the needs of Mum and my sister infront of himself all the time, everything he does, just about, goes through a filter of how will Mum react. If he can get away without telling her, even if its for a short time he will, even if it does involve her. He hides stuff and makes it worse. I keep some stuff to myself, if its personal then its too myself. But if I tell my sister then my Mum will find out. If I dont want Mum to know I keep it too myself, if she needs to know I just tell her. I dont think that a lens of how will Mum/my sister react needs to be placed over every action or inaction I take, thats not fair that their desires take priority over mine. But I do it quite often, Ill be in pain, Ill be depressed, whatever and I will push to do what they want. Sometimes thats not possible, sometimes my needs have to come first and unfortunately, while they do not belive me, appreciate or agree at the moment I am dealing with a significant amount of pain that is causing me to not be able to do alot of stuff, to be far more resticted than before. The pain is influencing my depression alot, like heaps. I am really struggling in that department, even more so this week. I really dont have the tolerance for much, I have no drive, no motivation. I just want to be in bed, I want to sleep, I want to turn off and ignore everything. The only real good thing for the past procedures is that I have them under general and that means Im knocked out for a while and for a while the world does not exist.
I asked Dad a few days ago if I could borrow some money for upcoming appointments, if he could put it on the black card (online purchases, I know I know) which he did say yes to. Ive had 2 of the appointments so far and today he says to me you wanted me to transfer $450 didnt you. Im really happy there was enough money on the card regardless because I could have been stuck at a doctors appointment not able to pay.
Well Dad is mad with me, he has made that really clear. He came down from seeing Mum and basically said nothing. He has said essentially nothing to me since he came down, he has also randomly decided to have his lunch outside. Im having a shower shortly, which means going past Mum so that will be interesting. I dont know if it will just be a comment or if she will go all out and Im not really sure how I will react. Part of me thinks it will be just to go have my shower, part will be to defend myself but realistically I am too tired to do or say much at all.
I suppose that the medication reductions could, probably would be contributing to the depression. I dropped another tablet a few days ago, so from 4 to 2 now. I have my normal GP in 4 days so I might have to chat with her about it.
Im so sick of people deciding for me how much pain is enough for me. Like I should do this or that, it hurts well you're still to do it, it wont hurt that much. More so when I say I cant do something more, like I bourght the drinks today, I cant unload them and its well you should be able to, its not that big of a job. Who are they to say that, they dont understand the pain Im in, they cant feel it, they cant relate as they have never had the same problems. I cant relate to Dad and his pain, I know he is in pain and he survives on a quite weak pain killers, just a step up from OTC. He could go up a step, but he isnt anywhere near the pain killers Im on. So is he just incredibly tough and strong willed or he in less pain, not saying he isnt in pain but the intensity is different. The same goes for my Mum and sister, they are on stronger pain killers but my sisters GP wont prescribe them anymore and only one GP where we go is willing to prescribe her the stronger painkillers. Every other doctor she has seen has said no to prescribing them. I dont know, does that mean they dont need them? They are avoiding addiction problems etc. Even if they need them and they get them, they are on really low doses in comparrison to when I was on the same stuff, my sister doesnt even take it daily. In comparrison to what Im on now, they are taking very little. Again that should indicate the intensity of the pain I am in, that doctors are allowing me to take the stuff Im taking. I mean it was their idea for me to go on it in the first place, I had never heard of it. I dont like to compare pain, because everyone experiences pain differently but purely based on the types of painkillers each of us are on, it should be really clear that I am in incredible pain and that when I say Im in pain, while taking this medication, it should be an indication that the pain is bad. I dont really know how I can be in as much pain as I am while Im on the painkillers I am on. But I would hate to imagine the amount of pain I would be in if I were not on pain killers in general. So, it is not possible for others to objectivly evaluate the level of pain I am in and then determine what activities and the time I can do those activies for, I can do and I wish people would stop trying to impose that or show disappointment when I dont do what they think I should be able to do.
The being too fat to fit in a car thing has kinda rocked me, it is no ones fault but my own. Even if medications I am on cause weight gain, I was pretty heavy before I started. Ive been on the heavy side my whole life, part of the reason what happened at school happened. I have a weird relationship with food and drink, at the moment most days I eat like 1 meal a day, sometimes 2. Randomly, I will eat heaps, like I will just eat most the day. I drink 2ltr of iced coffee a day, which I need to stop. I think a big hassle I have is that I am unable to move much. Like 1500 steps a day is a bigger day and that is because of the pain. Hopefully once I have the procedure that will change.
I dont get it, I really dont. For months my sister has complained about Mum, how abusive she is, that she didnt care if she died, that she wanted nothing to do with her, that she was the reason for her trying to commit suicide and the reason she is how she is. We had months of it. She told it to all her supports, she told it to the Family Therapy people, who we have now cancelled the next appointment and am very much of the opinion we will not go to again. You know cancelled just before we were to tell Mum what was going on, just as Mum put the pressure on to get her up to speed and both Dad and I said that was up to my sister. All the sudden we've cancelled it. Ive said it before, my sister is spending more and more time with my Mum, they are becoming friendly again. Today she has been up with her for atleast an hour now, talking. I dont understand, if my Mum drove you to attempting twice, to commit suicide and everything else, why are you deliberately putting yourself back in that situation. Why would you risk it, why would you risk putting yourself in a situation where your supposed abuser has power over you again and may drive you to that position again.
The tactile hallucinations have started up in the last couple nights, last night it was everytime I got into bed, which is a bit more excessive than Ive had in the past. Normally it is just the initial time I get into bed. They bother me less and less now days, they keep me up but they dont worry/concern me, I know what they are, I know they arent real and that its just my mind. So when they happen, I just I dont know, I ignore them, I remind myself that they arent real and just my mind making stuff up. They bug me more than anything, I get the anxiety that comes with them, I just lay there and wait them out.
I went to feed the dogs, which meant I had to go down to Mum because one of the dogs had stayed down there. Anyhow she commented on the top that Im wearing, saying it was nice. She seemed fine. So maybe things havent gone to shit. Dad still seems like he is in a fair grump though, maybe its not with me, I dunno. Im sure at some point someone will grump at me over something Ive done today and all will be explained.
Ive made my appointment for the CT scan I have coming up. $600 upfront. Gap is like $185, having bladder cancer is damn expensive. Looks like he is worried I have a upper tract lesion or he is just checking because of the urine discoloration. I did my stuff for the anesthesiologist today as well, tried to do the hospital but they havent loaded it as yet. This is for my cystoscopy. When I did the stuff for the CT Scan it asked if I had cancer and obviously I had to say I had bladder cancer. It was weird, Ive put down that I have bladder cancer heaps of times but it was different today, it was like yeah I really have cancer, WTF.
Neither my sister or my Dad are talking, they are both down here in the kitchen at the moment, Dad is cooking tea and not a word has been spoken. I feel very much like I missed something. Of course I feel like Ive missed something about me, because Im paranoid maybe, shits happened today involving me and Dad wasnt happy about it, maybe they just ticked and have talked about me not fitting in the car.
I perked up for a while, while I did the appointment stuff but Ive fallen back down in my little hole again. I was kinda awake but now Im back to being tired and wanting to go to bed. The pain is managable, Im having occassional spasms, I expect they will increase when I lay down. 5 days until my procedure and I did have a shower today which was an achievment in my mind. I keep forgetting to do my steps for Fiona, but Im not keen on doing it now. Maybe later tonight or a tomorrow Job.
My sister talks about me not having many appointments, like she is out heaps, though part of that is shopping. A lot of my appointments are done over the phone or video which really works for me, not having to travel helps my back out but also my wallet, so she doesnt really see me as having appointments for them because they arent time booked out. But along with the appointment I have small tasks, like trying to shower everyday and reporting on my steps. Its something I have to remember to do and actually do it. But remembering is the hard part. As I keep going with the rehab stuff and my back improves I expect that there will be more and more small tasks to complete. I have kinda been down this path before with rehab and I know they guide you on what to do more than watch you and do it with you, so most of it is going to be up to me to do.
This house wouuld be so much more peaceful if everyone stuck to their own lives and stopped trying to meddle in other peoples lives. Like look at your own life and how you're acting before you sit and judge and meddle in mine. I know Im far from perfect, that I can be an arsehol and insensitive. I really try not to be but everyone fails, I dont think I fail as badly as you indicate that I do. I dont think Im nearly as bad as Im made out to be. I dont think Dad is either. I think our crimes against Mum and my sister are really exaggerated, its like life and death everytime we do something they dont agree with and its not just that they bang on for a day or two, it goes on and on, it comes up months and years later. When its brought up again its like you did it hours ago, its that fresh in their minds.
My stomach is really hating me just at the moment, not like a stomach ache like random sharp jabs at the base of my stomach. Id love not to feel like crap for a while, not be in pain, not feel sick, not have pain in my head, no to be depressed etc. etc. As I said its 5 days until the procedure, like 10 days for recovery all going well. Thats a long time left to be in pain again if all going well, if not it could be longer. It does not excite me at all, I really just want it to be over.
The only person in this family that would understand the fat thing and the depression is Mum. Mum has been really big before as well, she and I have both struggled with the really big morbid obesity. Im not extreme like what you see on TV but God I feel like it some days and today is one of those days. Sitting in the car and not fitting in the seat itself, like the side things that sorta hold you in the seat, Im sitting on them. Then trying to put the belt on, it not reaching by a little bit it might as well have been a mile. It was so humiliating, so depressing and Ive lost weight recently. Im gonna have to lose quite a bit to fit in the car, I mean just getting the belt on is not good enough, I need some room to move in it. Mum would understand the feeling on not fitting in something, maybe not a car but there has been stuff in her life that has humiliated and depressed her regarding her weight.
I think Mum would get the depression thing, but she would have to admit her level of depression. I dont think I can talk to anyone in the family about how depressed I am, I dont even know what I would say. They would just view it as me giving another excuse not to do stuff. Everyone in the family is depressed, what makes me so special. I dont compare levels of depression, mental illness at all, that is a unique experience for everyone. I just know that Im struggling a lot at the moment, I dont know why but for Mum and I when we are really depressed sleep, being in bed is the place we really want to be. Im fighting it all day and I didnt get out of bed and stay out until 10:30 this morning. Ever since I have wanted to crawl back in, just hide, be safe, be alone, be in the dark. Being in the dark is really appealing, I dont really understand that but darkness is something I really want.
So it appears that Dad is ok, he seems in an ok mood now he has said more than one or two words. My sister however is fuming with my Dad for some reason. Which means shes not mad with me anymore cause it can only be one of us at a time. He has no idea why she is so but I dont think he is at all concerned. We are both pretty well over the continous someone is in shit for something, only one of us three though and it just swaps and changes between us. I note that people are mad with me and most the time it infuriates me because there is no reason for it. But generally I just dont care anymore, it does not influence how I am feeling about things. I start the day figuring Im in shit for something if Im not bonus, if I am who cares, either way Im bound to be by the end of the day for something.
Dad just told me Im in shit for not taking a box of OTC pain meds off my sister. I didnt because its OTC medication, that she can easily get again, I mean I have 4 or 5 boxes in the safe already and she keeps buying more and its always the big box, not just a small box to get her by. Whats the point in taking them. Apparently Dad is supposed to take the meds because I cant do it, Dad wont guarentee it. He knows I dont want to do it, I mean he just dumped it on me and he will leave it on me. Mum wont do anything about it, just bitch and moan, why do they think if they arent willing to get their hands dirty that I am going to listen to them about shit. If Mum had an issue with her having the OTC meds, she should have got them brought down to her for one and for two she should have talked to me and find out why I didnt take them. I could go down and talk to her and tell her why but I dont feel the need to justify why I didnt, I made a decision about a task that I have been given to do, if she doesnt like the decision thats fine, do it yourself.
My sister didnt want to be here so she has cracked the shits and gone to Bunnings, I want to go lay down, everytime I have asked Dad to deal with her meds for me it has backfired and she ends up holding onto the meds until I wake up but if I forget then she doesnt remind me and the meds stay on the table and I get in the shit for it. So I think what I will do is tell her to wake me when she wants them and Ill get up, I mean whats one more time getting up in the night at this stage.
Apparently, the reason she is spending time with Mum is because Mums changed. Seriously Mum changed, no one else sees it. She was about to be found out about everything she has been saying. Makes me feel completly used, like Ive been played, like its a big frickin game. She is spending time with Mum, shes playing her, shes manipulating the family for what end game I have no idea. Dad took Mum out yesterday and has been trying to spend some time with her. All the sudden my sister is all over Mum, even more intensily. Then she is fuming with him. Its like she is the only one who can spend time with Mum. Either that or she is worried Dad is going to tell Mum what she said. I have no intention of spending heaps of time or more time than normal with Mum. Mum has kinda done her dash with me. There is too much hurt there for me to get over at the moment. My sister has pretty well pushed me over the edge some time ago, this turn with Mum, this whole game she is playing has done me in. Dad, you know I could have dealt with Dad but not standing up for me, not going out on a limb to back me up when Im being verbally bashed by my Mum and sister, he lost me there. That just showed me how little he cares about me. Lending me money is wonderful and really helpful and I appreciate it, I wouldnt have the procedures Ive had without that but having my back, I have his, I tell my sister to lay off when shes out of line he cant do that for me, that hurts on another level and he might be the one I have the biggest problem with out of all of them. A good mate does that, they have each others back. Fathers should have their sons back even moreso. Its kinda fundemental in the relationship. Its not hard to speak up when another person is wrong about someone, if you dont then your agreeing with them, your approving what they say. So Dad agrees with what my Mum and sister say about me, in addition to that he has issues with me that are often unfounded but everyone has them. And there is the aspect that he disrespects me so much that he wont have my back and allows people to think the wrong thing without being challenged.
Having depression I know could be skewing things for me, which is why Im still being pleasant with everyone, well as much as I can be. I want to talk this through with the councillor or psychologist but it will be a ways away before we get to this. It looks like work will accept the EAF application, wether I get it is another thing. But Im gonna start working on plans soon.
