Malens Babble

Ive woken up at about midnight, went to bed around 9pm. The extra pain killers have worn off, just about fully by now and yeah Im sore, its the procedure area that hurts not the problem area which is good and to be expected. I got my rebate which was a lot less than expected, turns out that its gonna cost me about $1400 out of pocket for each of these procedures, which is a fair hefty bill. But if it stops the painas it appears it does its worth it. Now that I have my refund though I do have some money to get through until my next pay day, on the 27th. I thought to myself I will go get a pack of smokes in a whilee, because Im almost out. Fortunately, I remembered Im not allowed to drive until 2pmish tomorrow because I had general aneasthetic. So that sucks, I can only hope Dad will go in for me tomorrow.

I cant seem to sleep tonight, Im up again and it was a bit before 2am. Its not pain thats keeping me up though, Im really not in that much, it seems that very rapidly reducing. Like each time I get up I feel like Im in less pain. Laying down there is basically nothing, no pain at all. Walking it escallates pretty quickly but it calms down to tolerable, very tolerable when sitting. The pain in my shoulders etc is gone almost altogether, its just where the procedure has taken place. There are no spasms, the leg tensing has gone as well. I cant think that I wake due to pain, spasms etc at all. Im tempted to take some more of the medication that helps me sleep, its an anti-psychotic but used to help with sleep etc. Interestingly I have just noticed that my headache has gone, the muscle tightness in my neck has gone as well. There has been a lot of changes and improvements pretty quickly. I have an appointment to get some more pain killers this afternoon, though the doctor I have to see hasnt prescribed them before and given what they are, he may not be able to but my GP team that have prescribed them are not available tomorrow or the day after. So if I actually need the painkillers, which I might not, I might not get be able to get them. I have some available but not enough potentially to make it to my upcoming GP appointment next Tuesday. Im concerned how I will go during the day with the walking thats involved and extended time sitting down. As I sit its intensify, Im getting some sharp pains in the procedure site. It sounds like Im being a nit picky but Ive been down this road a time or two and Im fully aware that the pain could come on strong at any time, it could rise really quickly and take over and Id like to be prepared in case that happens.

Oddly Im really hungry and pretty thirsty, I suppose Ive been in a lot of pain which has put me off eating for a long time, I mean I dropped 4kg in a short period of time. There is no headache but Im getting some pain shooting into my head from my neck. Ive been sitting for a while and Im getting sharp pains in my right hip. Still though nothing overly painful, not in comparison to what I was in before the procedure. Ive run out of smokes which is frustrating, I figured there wouldnt be anything but its like $50 round trip on Uber to go into town which is pretty expensive, but yeah no ones available at the moment. I might just see if Dad can take me in this morning. Talk about hungry I just had a can chuncky soup and Im like what else can I eat. I really want to get some decent sleep, its not that Im overly tired but I should be. Im never a fan of this because it could indicate a manic/hypomanic episode starting, I know its early days, really early but it plays on your mind because they arent good and never lead to good things. It could also be the removal of one of my meds, that could screw me up a fair bit. Dad just asked me if I was ok as I walked past his room. He is in bed but his door is open because he is looking after my sisters puppy at night while she is away so he is waking up pretty much everytime I walk past his room, which I cant help but do, I said yes of course, I just cant sleep. Pain continues to increase, not to the point I need pain meds but it does show to me that Im going to need help to manage the pain because sitting will increase the pain. But it gives me hope that I have got onto a winner and might be out of pain soon enough.

I had my meds, the antipsychotic to help me sleep and they are kicking in pretty quickly so Im gonna try and get some more sleep, hopefully a lot more sleep. That seemed to work, I slept through to like 8:30am. But essentially no pain, Ive been up for about 30min and still no real pain. I asked Dad to take me into town to get smokes, so far no dice. Im gonna go down and nick a couple of Mums. Apparently my sister was taken to hospital last night with a couple issues, swelling and one that will be blocked by the bot. Shes had it before and they basically said she has to wait for her surgery, which has finally been agreed to and is next week. Ive eaten so much over past 12 hours, I just had some breakfast and finally feel like Ive eaten something.

I just took the cans out to the bin for recycling, my sister gets all the refund money from them eventhough I would drink equal to her drinks wise so we should share the returns. I know its not much but all these little things add up. I questioned this once and was told that my sister needed the money more than me, you know my sister who just bought a brand new car. Me who is looking at going bankrupt but my sister, she needs it more than me.

My sister has come home early because of her hospital visit, her stomach lining is infected apparently, so that might mean she cant have her surgery. Given how long she has been waiting and fighting for it it would really be a blow to her if she cant.

I cleaned up the cans as I said before and took them out to the bin, this normally would be a bit of a painful experience but this time around I was in a lot less. It was sore, but sore not painful and thats where Im at currently. Ive wondered around a bit, sat quite a lot, Dad took me into town and Im still more or less just sore, maybe a little more than sore, but the idea of extra pain killers is a far cry, Im thinking of cancelling my appointment this afternoon, its unlikely that Ill get the pain killers and Im not sure that I actually need them.

I had a shower, normally there is a bit of pain in that. I have a shower chair to help but still it has its moments where its not pleasant. But today, nothing not an ounce of pain. Ive sat in a position that would normal be uncomfortable and hurt after a long period, nope nothing. Ive come back to my seat and you know Ive taken the tape off and its pretty much just discomfort, no pain. Im doing little things to see how I go, Im pushing little more each time to see if it breaks. Im kinda not confident, like I dont believe it. Its a weird feeling the absence of pain and I just not sure yet that I am totally comfortable with it yet, like I expect it to stop and the pain to return. I suppose thats why Im still going ahead with the doctors appointment, Ill see if I can get some more pain relief just to be on the safe side. I expect it will take a while for me to be ok with the absense of pain, its really really odd.

With everything I have been talking to my Mum about recently, with consideration of what my sister has been saying and I have been left really confused. How much of what each other is saying is actually true, like Im not wanting to take sides because I have the feeling that they are both as bad as each other. Im sure some stuff my sister says is factual and some stuff Mum is saying is factual. But they both do their best to confuse and twist what has been said and the meaning behind it. Seriously if my sister says one more time thats not what I meant I could go through the roof. If you say something, say what you mean dont when its later brought up twist it and say its not what I meant. Really, no one else would get away with doing that. Mum just says that she didnt say it, like flat out denys saying things and doing things. Then it is did Mum say what my sister says she said. If she didnt say those things or do those things it changes a great deal.

My questions have been that if my Mum hasnt done what was said and said what she has been accused of by my sister how does that change my view of Mum, how does that change my attitude. Is how I feel about her unfounded or how much is founded and unfounded. What should I be listening to and ignoring. Im trying to base how I feel about Mum on what I can verify and I suppose Dad as well, I know what she says about him and what he says are often not factual. I have a lot of grievences with all three of them but maybe not as intensily with my Mum, I think things have been said and Mum has been accused of saying things which has caused a greater division between us. While the relationship there is not great to begin with, I am really ticked off that my sister has capitalised on that to ruin our relationship further. Now that I have a clearer understanding that this is taking place I have taken steps to improve the relationship. I dont want to be super tight with Mum, I want to be able to sit and talk honestly with her. There are too many issues I have with Mum, especially how she favours my sister so much more than me and enforces that upon my Dad, I mean there is a culture of my sister being more important and deserving than the rest of us. I have too many issues with all of them to get over, there is too much abusive behaviour for me to continue living with them but being family I want to remain connected. I think going bankrupt and what not will be an issue but there isn't much I can do about that.

Before my appointment I had to get some meds and some food. I didn't get my lite n easy this week as I didn't have money but also there's no room in the freezer. My drawer was taken over with shopping Dad couldn't fit elsewhere and he didn't rearrange anything to make it fit elsewhere. I did the shopping and got into a bit of pain, that has increased over the last hour and I'm now in a fair amount of pain. I did too much too soon I think. It's a lot muscular so I think it's gonna be a fair bit of reconditioning to be done. I think it will take a while, which will be an issue. Family will think no pain means all done and I can just do shit but it will be a while before I have the stamina etc to be doing lots of walking etc. But I'll be able to do more stuff for myself and more stuff in general. I do hope that my family doesn't take this as an opportunity to load me up with more tasks and rob me of a pain free freedom by weighing me down with chores and jobs around the house. I'll definately fight against that.

I hope this doc can help, like I can get some of the meds I need. Earlier today I wasnt so concerned but I am now as I'm in pain and it's getting worse. It's not as bad as it was a week ago but it's definately getting there. This morning was so nice. I sent my surgeon a thank you email as he did heaps for me and stuck with it and did get rid of the pain until I messed it up. I have an appointment with him in a couple weeks but didnt want to wait until then.

The doctor did give me 10 pain killers, which is what Ive been getting at a time normally. Ill go get them tomorrow, I have a few that will be enough. I took one pretty much as soon as I got home, Im hoping that kicks in pretty quickly. Im pretty tired but I got energy which is weird. I dont think Ill be late out of bed tonight, I really have had a couple bad nights and Im starting to feel it. Ive been out at shopping and the doctors. Im in pain and he knows Ive just had to take pain medication. Dad comes up, like maybe 15 min after I got home and says have you fed the dogs? I mean I had a procedure yesterday feeding the dogs can be his deal for a day or two. He just told me that they did some xrays and wot not he has a stufffed ankle and they were investigating and during the investigation they found that he had broken his leg and it had healed and at no point was he aware of this or have it treated. So my moron of a Dad wandered around on a broken leg for what is it 6 or 8 weeks to heal, with no cast and he would have kept up the normal pace that he does. He went in because he had an infected finger, which took some coaxing to make him do. Its one of the worst infected finders the doctor has seen. He has to drain the infection and take antibiotics. This is after a chemical burn to his fingers and knees a while back, one of the worst burns she had seen from lime in cement where he was laying slate. You would think this is something he would notice but no he kept going for the entire day and dealt with it after. He had to have the burns scrapped every couple days but still went back and finished the job using tools so he could avoid touching it but he wouldnt get someone in for 1/2 a day to do it for him. He has a guy that helps him with that sort of stuff but no he wouldnt use him. The guy is a moron, I mean really. If you have a broken leg and keep walking around on it and dont get treatment what is wrong with you. He says he doesnt have time to be sick etc. The rest of the family are all sick and injured, we make do its not that hes too tired, he doesnt like doctors and being treated. He doesnt like medication and he would hate to be in a cast, being restricted for so long would do his head in. I am very much of the opinion that you get medical treatment for medical issues, Ive had my fair share of them and I am sick to death of the medical world. But overall it has improved my life, the way things are going it may have stopped 22 years of chronic pain, thats kinda huge to me. I would have probably died a few times over if it wasnt for that world. If your in pain, sick etc. your an absolute idiot if you dont seek proper help. I mean that infected finger, if the infection gets into the blood stream thats game over.

My sister has come home and she is talking to me like she hasnt been a bitch for the last several weeks. Like there is no hassles, Im being nice back, Im determined that regardless of how my family treat me, good or bad that I will be pleasant back. Im still protecting myself, Im still going to defend myself, Im still going to stand up for myself. But if I remain pleasant then hopefully the shit I get is minimised.

There are a few things that might prevent the remaining pleasant that are outside my control. Firstly Im going through opiod withdrawals, the doctor today confirmed this. I feel pretty unwell, I have a headache, not like the ones I was getting, just a normal but strong headache, Im nauseated and my stomach hurts like its full of cement. Its not bad but its early days and I expect it will get worse. When I do start coming off my main pain meds, its likely going to be pretty horrible, doctor confirmed this too. Im on a high dose of the stuff and would be pretty dependant on it now. Ive been through alcohol withdrawals and that was not fun at all, I did that in rehab but I was given another med to help. I dont think that is the case coming off opiods. Secondly we are doing some pretty major medication changes, we stopped one recently which is likely part of the reason I am having problems sleeping. Im starting a new medication tonight which could have some pretty major side affects. It could drop the levels of my mood stabliser which could make for some interesting days ahead. It could also increase the levels of another Im on, we are reducing that one more tonight as well just in case. There are a heap of side effects but there is one we are pretty hopeful I get and that is weightloss and/or loss of appitite. My appitite is pretty erratic at the moment, as I said I have been eating little recently and then last night I ate shit loads. Im kinda anticipating that with all the medication changes Im doing, I mean 3 pretty major ones only days apart, its unlikely I am going to get away without any side effects. So far though Im staying in a pretty upbeat mood.

Its 6:30pm, I havent had tea, eating is far from my mind at the moment, maybe overnight Ill be up to it. Im pretty tempted to have my night meds and go to bed. Im tired, Ive settled down. Im still pretty sore despite the pain med I took earlier. Part of the idea of going to bed I think is that I just want to lie down. It takes so much pressure off my back, it calms things pretty quickly. I mean pre-procedure it would relieve the pain anywhere near completely but now days I think there is a good chance it will settle things a lot. I am hoping tonight I actually get some sleep, some real sleep. I feel bad for my Dad. He was looking after my sisters puppy over night while she was away, which meant his bedroom door was open. I walk past everytime I go to the loo, come down to the kitchen, go for a smoke etc. which the last few nights has been ever hour or so and he would wake up every single damn time. Last night after a few times he asked if I was ok assuming something about the procedure, I was in pain that wasnt it. I just couldnt stay asleep. Though I got a solid few hours in at the end of the nights attempt. I get to a point usually around 4/5am where I have had enough of trying to sleep and just get up and start doing crap.

I decided to take my meds, so Im going to bed shortly. Im well tired. Im just finishing my drink then thats it. Ill likely get up later and add to this before I post. I normally think of something when Im laying down and write about it later. I did take an additional pain killer as Im still in a bit of pain. I took some OTC meds that I came across a while back to help the muscles but I probably shouldnt keep taking them too much longer. My GP said they were ok for me to take as long as my stomach tolerated it, given the stomach problems Im now having I should stop. Im interested more than nervous about how the new meds and I will go, apparently they can cause drowsyness as well, which would be nice if they help me sleep.

Ive been included in the redesign project, at least for the upcoming meeting which Im pretty excited about. I really hope I get to remain involved with this through to completion. It would be pretty amazing to be able to say that I helped redesign the SANE site and made it a better place for us to get support. Its going to be an amazing experience that Im really privaliged to be involved, even if it turns out for a short period of time.

I went to bed for a while, it didnt last long. I was tired and I didnt think it would take long to fall asleep. I snuggled up under my quilt and got really comfy. I felt terrible, my head is thumping and my stomach is all sorts of horrible, but the pain in my back washed away pretty quickly. Next thing I couldnt get comfortable, I was moving about a heap and just feeling aweful. Now, I dont leave my door open ever, no heater in my room, its only ever a few degrees warmer in my room than outside. Outside is like max 8 degrees at the moment, its been raining for the last I dont know how long. So its good and cold. Im wearing trackies, a tshirt and a hoodie and next thing off goes my quilt, I was boiling, I couldnt catch my breath. I dont know if its feeling like shit or the new meds but Im pretty well awake now. Like alert more than awake, Im still tired and really want to go to bed to sleep but as it is I dont see the point, sleep isnt going to happen. I do feel a bit unsteady in my head like my head is a plate spinning on a stick, which isnt a great feeling and where the procedure was done is sore, like really sore and same between my shoulders. Not painful, just really sore. I got back up and went outside for a smoke or 2 and just to cool down, which has worked I am a lot cooler. Ive come back inside where my sister has the heater on and its comfortable but I wouldnt be suprised if my hoodie comes off soon. I seem to go through phases of being really hot and then ok again. I feel kinda like I did leading up to when I was on the loo for ages and sweating like crazy, but my stomach doesnt hurt quite as badly. I dont want to labour the point but I really feel quite lousy. My head is swimming, I honestly cant tell now if Im tired and ready to sleep or buzzing and awake, Im not swapping between the two they are happening pretty much at the same time which is a really weird feeling. I dont think I need to go to hospital or anything, I did think I was gonna start throwing up but that seems to have passed at least for now. A lot Im putting down to the new medication I think, Im hoping it settles and I can sleep, more so I hope it settles in general so I can keep taking the medication and the weight loss side affect happens. The way things are looking though tonight is gonna be a long night, very long.

While all this is going on in bed I was thinking, it could be a thing already but I havent seen it and I would buy it. I am forever readjusting my quilt within the quilt cover. Why dont they make a quilt with magnets embedded in the corners and then corresponding quilt covers that have magnets in the corner as well and then the magnets marry up and keep the quilt and quilt cover in the right place. Its on the corners so its not going to bother the user, the size of the magnets would be reasonable but not huge, so there would be a bit of weight but not heaps. I think I would probably still mess the quilt and quilt cover with the amount I move about at night but normal people this would probably help heaps.

Talking of moving in bed, they are very much trying to reduce the amount of medications I take. Im on a fair amount of them, I think the concern over how much good vs the damage they are doing is a priority at the moment. Anyhow, Im on a medication to help me not move about quite so much, I have restless legs, the really bad kind. They brought these up as a possible candidate to stop and I said that if we did that then my mattress would probably end up off the bed. Thats not an exaggeration as its happened a few times before, when I say I move around in my sleep, I really move around. Oddly Im pretty calm in bed if I have someone in bed with me. The problem with the med that I take for the restless legs is that I am allergic to the stuff, so I take another medication, for a few reasons but one and the instigating reason is to treat the reaction I get from taking it. My legs swell, pitting oedema, they get massive and my feet swell, its like walking on huge marshmellows. The medication I take to treat the reaction make me pee more and boy do I, but it works.

So my stomach has settled, I still feel really weird in the head, Im still not able to work out the awake vs sleep feeling, its still like my head is a spinning plate on a stick. My back is sore as hell, its getting worse. I think its more muscular than anything, so Im not concerned. I cant believe how quickly everything has settled and now I feel hungry, I waited a bit but Im going to have something to eat, hopefully with some food in my stomach Ill actually be able to go to sleep.

Cause I didnt get my Lite n easy im trying microwave meals from coles. I dont know that they are as healthy as lite n easy, they dont seem to be as well rounded dietry wise but if its filling enough and it works out cost wise mixing between them and cans of chunky soup I might be able to get meals for cheaper. The amount I spend on food is pretty high so Id like to lower it if I can. Once I get onto NDIS Lite n Easy makes more sense as its much cheaper under NDIS. Even if I get a mixture of Lite N Easy and Coles food that would be cheaper and give me more variety. Now that Im not in the pain I was, going to coles is actually an option. What I had tonight wa filling and really nice, microwave meals have really come along ways.

Seriously my Dad is starting to get really on my nerves. Im sick of being asked questions about every little thing, what should I have for tea was the way of it a minute ago, how the hell do I know, I buy lite n easy and part of the reason is to take what I eat out of the equasion, I just grab the next one and eat it. I say I dont know and I get responses like, what good are you, your supposed to be the smart one. Its just an example as its on my mind but it happens through out the day. Ive recently said and expressed that I am struggling with this sort of stuff, its not small talk, its just questions for the sake of asking questions and to an extent an opener to saying things like what good are you. Dad knows that I am struggling with SI and depression and he has really stepped up the comments like that, go away is really common, thats when I walk in a room. Atleast a handful of times a day he says something about how I am not wanted, that Im not good enough etc. Im very close to having a huge go at him, as I say he knows Im not dealing well at the moment, often my areas that I am struggling with at the most are the areas he comments on the most, its like he is targetting vunerabilities and thats where he attacks. He would claim that he is only playing and didnt mean it but I dont buy it, I think he is calculated and attacking where he knows it will hurt the most, which is amazing given I have told him how close I am to taking the next step. He is on a mission to help my sister as much as he can, its his primary goal since her attempt, he would not speak to her this way, even before the attempt, my Mum would go ballistic if she knew he said things like this to her but he does it to me for what ever reason.

Thats the sort of thing that I would consider abuse. I dont care what mood hes in, how sick he is, tired he is etc. repeating how he doesnt want me around, that Im not good enough and things like that without any provocation especially knowing how difficult a time Im currently facing with my mental health its just abusive.

I cant work out if Im tired or awake and alert, Ive had something to eat and I feel a lot better than I did so Im going to try the sleeping thing again. Ill give it 45 min approx (thats the timer length on my music). If I havent fallen asleep by then Ill get up and have some extra medication that will help me fall asleep but Im hopeful that I wont need to do that again tonight.

I slept for about 4 hours straight, which is pretty good for me. Ive woken up and Im pretty sore, I was immediatly hit with pain in my head. That has settled but the back pain is increased. Im really not sure whats going on at the moment. Im incredibly cold, I got shirt, hoodie and Oodie on and Im still freezing. I feel ok, like I dont feel sick but I dont feel good. I know Im not supposed to smoke inside but I cant smoke outside, Im just too cold. Dads in bed and my sister isnt home so too bad.

Im really not sure what the go is with my back, its the worse since the day after the procedure. I went to bed and it was sore but its painful now. Its just increasing so much so I havent been writing. Im pretty down. I dont know what is going on, I dont understand why I am in so much pain all the sudden. I havent taken break through pain meds yet but Im going to have too soon. Im just waiting for some food to settle now and then Ill take them and go back to bed. This spinal journey is really really starting to wear thin.

My sister yesterday went to the doctors, she has been having issues and needs surgery on Monday but things had worsened. Next thing her car is parked out the front with the keys at the door. We were all down in Mums room so we didnt here them come here. We had no idea what was happening with her or where she was. I realised that I might get some idea from the clinic and all they could tell us was she was safe. My sister wouldnt answer her phone but eventually we found out she was in the local hospital. My poor Mum was completely freaking out. No idea what was happening and it was left like that for the night. Mum and Dad have had essentially no sleep. I get a message this morning asking for me to come down. Turns out she was now in a hospital in the city. Turns out she had forgotten some stuff and wanted me to drive it down, like an hour away. We still have no idea whats going on, I asked and I got that she is a little bit sick. I said that I cant come down, Im in too much pain, Ive been up half the night. She asked if Dad could go down, but he has been up most the night freaking out about her. So at the moment he is a no at the moment, unbelievably he has gone back to bed, he never does that. My sister went to my Mum and said that she feels loved, keeping in mind I went back and forth everyday just about for 6 months for her in hospitals. Mum seems to have supported Dad and I about not going down. Not that it would matter for me, Im not driving that far. Especially given how she has treated us all with this and over the last little while. She has not shown any appreciation for what I did, or Dad, with her hospitalisations over 6 months. She has treated me like shit since she got home. She dismissed and deminishes my medical and mental issues. She has been saying Mum said this and that and it turns out that this might not be actually true. She has been the source of so much unwarranted stress and grief over the past few months especially but even longer. My sisters response to us not coming down to bring stuff down that she forgot, she forgot, is that someone comes down or we transfer $200 for her to buy it from the shops. Yes, we should pay for her to get new stuff because she forgot it

You guys know what Im stuggling with not just the pain, my family does seem to forget/ignore my mental health issues, Ive spoken about the stuff she is on about for her self as well. Im working, quietly, to leave. Ive been distancing myself from things lately, even with the stuff from last night and my sister, it didnt really affect me, she was safe, I was satisfied. If she wanted to be, I dunno what, and do it on her own then what do I care anything else. I think my sister has been done for me for a long time but the pressure from Mum has kept me engaged, but now Mum is actually aware of the manipulation and what my sister is saying, my sister has Mums support less and less. But even if she did, I have come to a point on so many things that I just dont care about the consequences, I dont care if it upsets Dad. The way Im treated in general by all of them, why should I. Dont lay your responcibilities at my feet. Dont make me have to run around after you when I need someone supporting me, not being the one supporting others. If I cant get support from my family for my issues, if its too hard to provide support to both of us and constantly chose my sister over me. Then I am going to look after me and only me. No one is coming to my side, no one has my back, so I dont care anything anymore, I am putting me first and second cause no one else will, they dont have room for me and my sister and they have made it very clear that its my sister that will be the priority every single time.

The pain is really bad, like I have been close to getting Dad to take me to hospital or calling an ambulance. Ive started having spasms again, its not bad, like the are just occassional and not severe. I lost feeling in my left leg for about 45 minutes, but it came back, its uncomfortable like its not 100% responsive. Im pounding breakthrough pain killers like the normal pain meds Im on are incredible strong and then Im wacking more on top. Im still dealing with withdrawal symptoms, I keep getting incredibly cold, even with the heater going, I thought it was broken but Dad confirmed that it was very much working. At one point I had the heater going, tshirt, hoodie and Oodie on and still cold. Nausea is pretty bad. Headache is coming and going. Im really tired, but it was a really bad sleep last night, waking up in pain and trying to deal with that doesnt do well for a good sleep.

My Dad did go down to my sister, my sister is carrying on that I did the pain to myself because I went driving once my time where I wasnt allowed to expired. I apparently do it all the time. This is the first time I had this procedure, I had a similar one and yes I drove once I could and yes there was significant pain after that, but that was because there was another major spinal issue that we found after that procedure. There was no time frame to not drive and do stuff, in fact it was gently get into it straight away. How long did she expect that I not drive for? Also I drove 30min total, I wasnt trying to drive 2hrs round trip. She didnt have any issues with me feeding animals etc as soon as possible. She is just not happy that I wouldnt come down and she had to have Dad do it. She wanted me because I was the least objectional person to come down. Thing is, Im hearing the stuff that she is saying about me, I know she talks shit about me but sometimes its hard. I went all out trying to look after my sister for months, I went further into debt like a lot further, I became much sicker too. In return she cant even give me an ounce of compassion for the pain Im in, it doesnt affect her at all, Im doing most my chores still, but every opportunity she has she will say something about how pathetic I am. She has a massive attitude about my pain. I am really hurt that after everything I did to support her for months, she doesnt have to do anything there is no impact on her, there is nothing she has to do to help me or do more because Im in pain. But she has this massive attitude about it and does her best to express it to everyone. Then she wants me to come down and drop off stuff and I say I cant and she feels loved etc. Heres the thing, I really didnt feel I was appreciated for what I did, I felt like I am being kicked in the guts with my health isssues, particularly my pain and I dont feel at all inclined to spend more money I dont have running around for my sister again. She has kinda burnt this bridge. There is alot of other things going on that I have touched on but Im mad as hell with my sister enough that I dont have an emotional response to her bullshit anymore. If my sister is being hospitalised for any length of time she will be spending much of it alone, unless Dad goes down as Im not gonna be. I wont be doing the engaging with doctors etc. I really will have minimal involvement. Im too sore, too hurt and too worn out to keep pushing. Her attitude towards me and my pain, they way she treating me and what she is saying about me to Mum and Dad Im really not feeling inclined to keep helping and providing the support I have been. Mentally I cant keep putting myself into the position where I am giving and giving and being kicked in the nuts in return. Very soon my sister will be told that she need to get over her attitude about my pain, if she cant she will need to stop talking to me, stop talking about me to anyone and just leave me alone, dont expect or request anything from me. I am sick of being treated like shit, like I dont matter etc. and those doing it have no consequnce to it, and then have all these expectations. Where this happening and it doesnt stop etc. then I need to cut them off or as close to doing that as possible until they treat me like I matter.

I think I have become somewhat invunerable to the bullshit going on, particularly from my sister. Im ridiculosly overtired and completely worn out. I think because of this, I just dont care about so much anymore. Like I dont care that my sister wanted me to come in today. I really dont care that she didnt have some stuff that she wants. I dont care about her thoughts on me or on my pain etc. I dont care that what my Mum and Dad have to say about a lot of shit, particularly what I am going to say and do with my sister. I just dont care, why would I no one cares about anything I have to say, about my health issues etc. Its not a hit back, its ligit I dont care anymore.

I didnt post this last night, I ended having to just go to bed, I was in so much pain and after I took all my night meds and some more pain meds I got fairly spacy. Ive woken up around 3ish, pain is tolerable but its a bit funky to move. Im really cold again, but for some reason I kept taking my quilt off over night. It was incredibly cold last night and the wind was ice so I smoked inside overnight. Im doing the same tonight. Its just too hard, too cold and Im in too much pain and too stiff to go in and out over night. Dad is in bed so the smoke cant bother him, he lets my sister smoke inside just because, I have a legit reason to.

After everything I did for my sister while she was in hospital for months, the debt I built up, the absolute lack of appreciation from my sister and my parents, the complete lack of support during and after all this, the hounding about returning to work regardless of my situation and the way I have been treated and the attitude towards my situation I really realised that I am the one getting abused, by each member of my family and its been going on for most of my life. Ive started detailing some of what I see as abuse, how I have been mistreated and how I have been made to feel like I dont matter at all and that my sister is the only one with any value. Im planning to use this to get a grant from work to help me move out. I am hoping to be able to provide this to my psychs, it includes stuff to do with my medical issues etc. I am hoping that the psychs will read it, even if they use a session to do so. Its more robust way to tell them whats going on, Ill forget stuff in an appointment. Im not planning to engage my family and tell them how I feel, I dont see the point. Any time I have said anything about my feelings about the above, Im being over sensitive or Im just plain wrong. My feelings, especially about how differently my sister is treated vs me, are completely dismissed as you would expect. So talking to them about it would just make me feel worse and not change the situation. I also dont want to deal with Mum going on about how hard she had it bringing us up alone, the guilt trip about how she is being blamed for everything and how unfair it is. She wont take any responcibility for what shes done, she doesnt see how she had done anything wrong. My sister will just become volitile and Dad would either ignore me or crack it. There is no benefit in bringing anything up with my family, I might as well keep it to myself and those that need to know, get out of the house and move on with my life as best I can and just limit their influence on my life. I want to keep some kind of relationship with them, but there will be a distance going forward.

Ive done the draft of all the abusive stuff, I feel like I am just winging and its just a bunch of grievences. Does it really count as abuse? Are they just arsehole? Am I just an arsehole and this is how they respond? I dunno. I do know that Im sick of feeling like I dont matter and that only my Mum and sister do, sister especially. Im sick of only being wanted when there is something to be done, especially looking after my sister. Im sick of being trapt living with my family under these conditions purely so they can get as much money out of me as they can for the money I owe them, eventhough my sister gets given so much money, has so much spent on her and given so many breaks, thanks to my Mum. Mum used to say all the time that she treats my sister and I equally but she doesnt, not even close and she either doesnt see it or doesnt want to. She will never admit that she prioritises my sister, that she treats her as the only one that matters. I mean Dad doesnt even get a look in either, my sister does the same thing to my Dad as she does to me. She wants something from him, she goes to Mum and Mum tells Dad to do it. Dad doesnt argue, he doesnt see a point, and just does as he is told, most the time the going to Mum thing isnt needed, Dad just obeys my sister. You know, I really dont understand how my family cant see how they cant see what they are doing to me. How they cant see that they are a major component of my mental health issues. Like I just dont get it. They have to be doing it deliberately, they dont care or I dunno, I am of the feeling that they dont care and are doing it deliberately. Dad has made it clear he isnt willing to do anything to protect me, he knows how much damage its doing, he knows how close to the edge I am and his focus remains on my sister because he doesnt want to get off side with my Mum regardless of my situation. As hurtful as my Mum and sister are to me, it was pretty devastating when I recently talked to my Dad about how I was and he said he didnt know what to do and left it at that. Speaking to my Mum and even trying to reign her in, not get support but just to get her and my sister to back off a bit was not even an option. I think that was the final thing for me, it put me over the edge regarding my family. It just proved to me that I had no support, I was just going to continue to be treated like shit, like I dont matter, like Im not wanted unless I have a purpose for them. It just, I died a little inside, I stopped caring about their thoughts about me, what they wanted of me, their expectations etc. I just stopped caring about pretty much anything. Like honestly, something switched in my brain. I still love my family, I feel like I treated Mum wrong in relation to what my sister had been saying, so I apologised with flowers. That wasnt as much to do with her as it was with me, I try to do the right thing according to my moral code. I believed what my sister was saying without challenging them with Mum and I treated her poorly based on bad information. That is wrong in my book, its whats been happening from my Mum to me, again based on what my sister says and I have a problem with that and here I go and do it to Mum, so for me to feel right I had to apologise and own up to my mistake. It amazes me, even with me pointing out that she does it with Dad and I, she couldnt see it. Who knows maybe one day she will, maybe one day both my sister and Mum will realise how they have treated me over the years, Mum might realise that while she did her best when we were kids her method was to install fear and from fear love, she was not loved because of who she was etc. she was loved because we, atleast I, was to scared not to. Maybe one day Dad will realise how he has let me down so significantly. I have my doubts and if they do that they will admit it, but if they do and they admit it maybe we can start to forgive and potentially build a new relationship but it is beyond the point of me being ok with staying here any longer than I have to. I want out, I have to have it before I need to spend time in hospital either in a ward or morgue. What really hurts is no one in my family appreciates how on the edge I am, the only thing keeping me going is the prospect of leaving home and maybe getting away from this abusive situation and with a lot of psych work one day be ok.

There is a belief, very firmly held belief that I am shit with money, no one with this opinion has looked at my accounts, my bills, my medical costs or my debts. I have been left to work out my finances on my own, even though there is this opinion Im really shit with money, no one has offered to sit down with me and work on a budget, work on how I pay my debts and bills. No one has tried to understand my financial position, to get any facts. Yes I spend money on smokes and some other consumables that I might not really need to but I think I stretch my income quite well. I have debts from when I had a Brief Psychotic Episode and was unable to manage my income and defaulted on, again at the time, even knowing I wasnt dealing with my money well at the time no one stepped in to help. I have a big debt I took to payout my parents that started a short time after the Brief Psychotic Episode for unpaid rent to them. I have lost tens of thousands of potential income to illness. I have spent I have no idea how much on medical costs as well as borrowing to pay for some. I have had to borrow money from my Dad, over the years probably a lot of money but that doesnt make me bad with money. I lived out of home for ten years or so, managed to pay my rent and bills, it wasnt until I had a serious medical situation that things became a problem for a while but after that I think I did really well scratching to get myself out of a really big hole and I did that with no help. I havent won, the financial implications of supporting my sister at the begining of the year when she was in hospital has forced my hand. I had to borrow the money, I had to be there for her, I have no way really to repay it, I was struggling before my sisters situation and trying to work with creditors to make a way for me to pay the debts or have them waived. I know my family, especially my Mum will have a massive issue but once I move out I will be filing for bankruptcy. Its 3 years and I can move forward with life, rather than another decade or longer fighting and suffering financially. I havent done it in the past because of the potential negative impact it would have on my parents, I cant keep holding onto these debts for the sake of my parents. My aim would be to repay them one day outside the bankruptcy but I have to be done with these debts, I dont want to hold onto them for the rest of my life and be burdened by them. I need to move on with my life. I know it will hurt Dad, I was playing with the idea of bankruptcy before my sisters thing, I had to borrow the money. As much as Dad wanted me to go back to work no one was stepping up to take my place with my sister, I mean by the time she came home I was spent, Dad was visiting but the support provided by me and by him was completely different, but he dumped looking after her medication on me without even talking to me about it, he just expected that I would take the bigger safe and manage her medication, giving her, her doses, dealing with the arguments of how much medication she had control of, the carry on with her buying OTC pain killers, dealing with doctors regarding increasing her responcibility in regards to her medication. On one hand he is saying how he will help with her so I can go back to work and when it comes down to it he is dumping it all on me, but he still expects me to go to work and support my sister, deal with her phone calls while Im working and be there when she selfharms or attempts again. Dad does not and can not deal with anyone and their mental health issues, he does not have the skill set. He doesnt understand or appreciate mental health issues, when I called him out on this he said he would learn. Ive suffered from Bipolar 2 with psychotic features for over a decade and he never learnt for me. My sister has been home for months and he hasnt learnt. Dad is not going to learn about mental health issues, he will never be the one to support anyone that suffers from mental health issues, he cant be, it will always fall on me. The fact he dumped the medication on me, shows he was not serious at all about supporting my sister and taking any pressure off me. I was put into a position that I had to support my sister, I couldnt work she would just call me and call me, there would be some reason everyday for me to have to come down at the drop of a hat, that was already happening and to thank me for doing that, for putting my own mental health at risk and suffering incredibly bad with it myself when I started running out of money and I was working, I borrowed some money from my sister to pay for her Maccas, support her, fuel etc and I am expected to repay that to her, keep in mind I had used all my income to do the same before I borrowed that money. When I stopped receiving an income and was waiting on SCI my Dad leant me money to support me, to be used to get to my sister to support her etc. So to thank me for stopping everything, putting my life on hold for nearly 6 months, I was left with a debt with my sister and a debt with my Dad. He and Mum did not provide any financial support without strings at all, I didnt even get a small gift, taken out for something relaxing, I dont think they even said thank you for everything I did, there was no appreciation from them or my sister. You should keep in mind that I was having specialist appointments, procedures, doctors appointments, etc for my own issues at the same time. I am a very sick/injured person for a long time, I wasnt like a health person trying to help my sister, I am in incredible pain, mentally suffering with hallucinations etc but my sister matters more, she is really the only one that matters, so much so my parents force me to support her despite my situation and pay thousands and thousands of dollars for the privilige.

I have no tolerance for stuff at the moment, Ive had days of being up 1/2 the night in pain unable to sleep. Im in intense pain, Im taking a lot of pain medication, not just the high dose pain medication I normally take but also breakthrough pain medication. Im going through opiod withdrawals. Mentally I am really struggling, Im having psychotic symptoms. My finances are for shit, the SCI payments are a lot lower than I was earning, but bills etc havent changed. So Im not really dealing with bullshit well, Im not in a great mood. My sister went to the doctors and her car was dropped off at home, after calling the clinic we could only be told she was safe. She wouldnt respond to txt of calls. When she did she said she had no idea what was going on. Even when Dad went in to her yesterday she told him she didnt know. She rang this morning and told me that she didnt know why she was in hospital, I pushed, I was calm but frustrated. Turns out she did have some indication, just didnt know what was happening about her surgery that was planned for tomorrow. But the reason she was hospitalised, she knew but she for some reason refused to tell anyone. She caused so much angst when she wouldnt let anyone know where she was, what was wrong etc. Both Mum and Dad got very little sleep that night as a result. They were so worried, me I figured we were told she is safe, shes in a hospital and didnt want us involved. So screw her, I was angry with her for what she was doing to Mum, its not that hard to provide enough information that people know whats going on. If you dont want them to come down etc, thats fine but dont be a horrible person.

I just got a message "Mum told you whats going on?". I sent a message back to ask what she meant. I spoke to Mum last night and she had no idea, neither did Dad. So there is no way what she sent makes any sense. Except, which I am expecting, she is leading up to, I told Mum last night or something. Ive been in constant contact with Mum letting her know whats going on every step of the way. She is going to try and blame Mum for holding onto information. That she is the problem not my sister. I am totally expecting this, difference this time is I have been down with Mum quite a bit and am well aware of what is going on. If this is indeed what she is going to try and pull, if she is going to start with trying to bullshit us, I will call her out.

Mum and I were just talking, she said that my sister needs to realise she isnt the only one that is sick. I added that she needs to realise that its not a competition as to who is sickest. I mean we are all sick in different ways and have different limitations. Mum then said thats why I feed the dogs. I dont agree with that still. They arent my responsibility, maybe when she only had one dog, but in the midst of everyone having major health issues my sister bought another dog. She decided to add more responcibility, not me. She is doing nothing to train the dog, actually other than shopping and appointments she doesnt seem to be doing anything at all, except maybe complaining how everything isnt being done the way she thinks it should be and Dad and I are just arseholes. So there is a number of reasons she can feed the dogs going forward. Most of all, she has 2 dogs, one recently bought, she knew how sick everyone was and she made that decision, I wasnt consulted. She decided to add responcibility, so she can have it. The other reason is, she is forever changing what food is being fed to the dogs, especially her older dog. Changing and challenging how much they are actually being fed, when they are being fed, how they are being fed. It changes constantly so she can screw around with things herself as much as she wants.

On top of the standard very strong pain medication I take normally, yesterday I took quite a lot of breakthrough pain meds. When I took the last lot I became a bit loopy. I think I had just taken too much of this particular medication. The daily meds and the breakthrough meds are the same stuff, the difference is the daily med is long acting and has an additional component to help minimise the side affects. Anyhow, I think I had too much of it, not dangerously too much, but not a good thing. So today I am being much more cautious and holding out a lot longer before I take another one. Its not easy, Im in bucket loads of pain and I have something that can reduce it, but I cant just eat the stuff. I have an appointment with my Pain GP on Tuesday Ill need more breakthrough pain medication, I have my doubts he will be able to do anything else pain management wise.

Im really wonky, Im getting pretty confused and lost easily, even typing Im writing the wrong word, like not even close to what I meant. Im exhusted, the pain is getting to me mentally, it really does do a number on you mentally. The withdrawals are playing a big part in things mentally. Im cold almost always, if Im not cold Im boiling hot. The lack of sleep is definatly a big issue. I sleep in broken blocks of sleep, Im in bed for hours but Im up wandering around for hours to. Being broken sleep, Im not going through sleep cycles properly, its not quality sleep, so I might get a full 8 hours of sleep over 10-12hrs in bed but its just shit sleep. Then there is all the medication changes, they are seriously messing with me, Im managing but its hard especially on top of everything else. Its really piling on top of me at the moment, its not just causing my mental health issues to worsen but its messing with concentration, Im getting confused easily, I feel completely worn out all the time, Im grumpy more and more often and I feel sick to the stomach almost constantly.

FFS Im so incredibly frustrated. Im not sleeping, Im in so much pain. I really do not know what to do with myself. I was going to lay down earlier today but the power went out, for a normal person who cares, but I have sleep apnea so I need a CPAP machine to sleep. So I didnt lay down. Eventually the power came back on so I decided to lay down, if I slept awesome but I wanted to lay down and just rest my back, I really just needed to rest my back. I laid down and almost immediately I started spasming and spasming intensily, I could not lay still. I tried position after position but nothing worked and out of complete frustration I gave up. So Im up again, in the kitchen.

Im really having a hard time with tempreture control, Im either freezing cold or really hot, most the time I am freezing cold and I cant get warm. Im wearing everything I can to the point I can barely move my arms, if I could get more on I would. I had the heater set to 26 trying to warm myself. My Dad really feels the heat due to chemo, he admits it but doesnt seem to take it in consideration with the damn heater. His mentality is if it was 26 in summer you would be hot. But everyone knows a heater heating a room to a tempreture is completely different, added to which its starting off cold, when you turn on the heater and set it to 26 it doesnt make it 26 in the room straight away, it takes some time to actually heat the rooms. Once the rooms are heated, lower the tempreture. He has a bug in his ass because of the way my sister runs the thing, all night really hot. But I have no intention of doing that and never have. I also normally set it to 23, if I have it at 26 and in multiple layers of clothing you might consider Im not well. The big problem is because my sister runs it at really high tempretures and it doesnt get turned off for days at a time, so it is costing him big money in electricity, he is paying something $1000 a month on electricity. The majority of that cost is my sister, she has the split system going, multiple blow fans, all the lights on etc etc. He doesnt say shit to her, I mean he is getting close to going nuts at her which is his MO. Dont say shit, stay fuming, keep talking to her like nothing is amiss, then one day completely crack the shits, it sprays everywhere, Im likely to get some on me, but in amoungst that he will say something he doesnt mean or shouldnt have said. He will cause an issue, my sister will go to Mum who will get stuck on the thing he shouldnt have said and that will become a huge deal and in doing so the primary message of stop using so much electricity, I cant afford it gets lost and my sister keeps getting to do what she wants to do.

Its really hard, I feel like each person in my family has and is being abusive towards me. My sister is claiming that my Mum is abusing her, from what she was telling Dad and I we agreed. I got suss on things when my sister started spending alot of time with my Mum, lots of phone calls, lots of texting. I decided to tell my Mum to watch her back. My sister then got told that she had been put as Priority 1 for housing through Housing SA I got really unhappy about the situation. To get Priority 1 my sister must have really said some stuff about my Mum and potentially Dad and I, like my sister must have said some quite aweful things or claimed Mum did some horrible things to her to all her support people which is fine if thats how she feels, I may not agree with what she was saying, I do agree obviously that my Mum is abusive, but then to start spending all this time with Mum, treating her like nothing had happen, like they were really close friends again, that just screams wrong to me. This is the hard thing, I have 3 people who are abusive, but I still care for each of them. So when I see my sister doing wrong to my Mum I am going to step in and protect Mum. If Dad blows up and causes my sister to be justifiably hurt, I will speak to my Dad and try and get him to discuss the situation calmly with her, it also protects him. If my sister/Mum talk bad about my Dad and its out of line Ill stand up for him. It would be nice but they wouldnt do the same for me. Its not so much that I am doing this because they are my family, they are people and they deserve respect, they deserve to be treated like they matter, like I wish they would me. But sometimes that thats really hard to do, my sister has really hurt me with the whole 6 months hospitalisation. She is in hospital again, Im unable to help at the moment due to my situation but even if I could I highly doubt I would, like in need of serious help then probably, but running clothes and shit down everyday, buying Maccas or anything else for that matter, no, that I wouldnt be doing again.

Heres the thing, Im still really sour about the situation with smoking inside and outside. There are a number of reasons why, for ages my sister and I both smoked and we both smoked inside. My sister quit, next thing I was told to smoke outside and one of the reasons why was because they wanted to air out the house in preparation for sale, we are no where near that but thats the BS they spun. Keep in mind that my Mum was still smoking inside in her end of the house, airing that end out apparently wasnt needed, hence BS. My gut is my sister wanted me smoking outside because she had quit, Im not really second guessing that, its definately what happened. When my sister came home from hospital she was smoking again and with no questions she started smoking inside, there was absolutly no correction from the parents, the importance of airing out the house was all the sudden not needed. But only for my sister, I had to keep smoking outside. I did challenge Dad because it wasnt fair, I really didnt mind if it was that I could smoke inside again or my sister was made to smoke outside, it just had to be fair. Dad didnt change a thing, he said that it was hard for him to breath with all the smoke, which is fair enough but he wasnt going to do anything about my sister. My sister has my Mum behind her and its too big of a fight for my Dad. Me however, I have no one behind me so he has no problem telling me what to do even if its completely different to what my sister is being allowed to do. This is my issue and an area where my Dad is abusive. He treats me completely different to my sister, he knows that I cant go to Mum and get special treatment or even equal treatment. He knows that I have no one behind me to support me, protect me and have my back. He should be that person but hes not. Hell the number of times he has bought her take out and not included me, I was home and all, he knows I like steak but has bought my sister steak on a couple of occasions and himself and not asked if I want one, he hasnt said a thing about the dinner plans to me, I find out when he gets home for steak for him and her only. So, while he cant tell my sister what to do, not without my Mums approval, he can tell me what to do and I just have to do it. So, if anything needs to be cleaned etc he will not ask my sister, even if its her mess, he will come to me and tell me to do it, even if I have done a bunch of cleaning that day, even if I have been to work, even with my pain and what not. But the theory is that my sister does everything, thats what is told to Mum so thats the fact. I am lazy and dont do a thing, again this is what is told to Mum so that is fact. My sister doesnt even do her own washing, if she cant do that what is it that she actually does. Also, she has NDIS and can get a cleaner but choses not to, then complains that she is doing so much and Im not helping at all. Dad treating me so differently to my sister, that he provides her every bit of support he can, he treats her as the only one that matters because Mum is behind her and he knows that he will have a fight on his hands if he doesnt treat her right. So, while he does provide me loans for my medical needs and that sort of stuff. He leaves a lot to be desired when treating me like I matter, he really doesnt provide me any support, he puts me down, he lashes out at me, he ignores me, he is passive aggressive towards me and he happily treats me completely differently to my sister. That to me is abusive, that to me is he is an arsehole and that to me is he is chicken shit that he wont deal with the fight with Mum so that my sister and I are treated equally. He wont even do it to support me knowing that Im having major SI and the Mum/sister duo are a big part of that. Seems its really a trio. I dont speak to Mum much, I speak to my sister a bit more but I am now finding it really hard to talk to Dad since he said he didnt know what to do and he basically wasnt going to do anything, I just lost everything for him, I kinda didnt look at what Dad was doing as I was focused on what my sister and Mum were doing, what Dad was doing sorta went under the radar. Him throwing me to the wolves, it hit me just how much of an arsehole he is too me.

It really hurts to finally recognise and to continue to recognise just how much my family treats me so poorly, how abusive they are and to look back and see that it has been going on for most my life. What hurts more is that if I were to and I have to a degree, they completely deny that its as bad as I say, they say Im being sensitive. They make no effort to really listen to what Im saying, to hear how they hurting me and causing me to experience worsening mental health. They reinforce the feeling that I dont matter, but denying my feelings, denying what they are clearly doing and sending me on my way to continue being treated exactly or worse than they have been.

The thing is everyone in my family is in pain, is sick, has injuries. We all have a lot of specialists, chronic and severe medical issues, we spend heaps on medical needs. I know that plays a huge role in the interactions in the family, Im not the only one suffering. I get all that and I appreciate it, but the stuff Im talking about not only shouldnt be affected by these things. Also they have been going on for decades.

Along with pain and the temporary loss of feeling in my left leg I have been having issues with urinating. One of the issues you can get with spinal problems is bladder control and it appears that I might be going down that way. I have OAB, so its hard to tell if its just that going really bad, I mean really really bad. But it could be from my spine. Im going to the toilet, everything is fine, I have a method/process which worked to really minimise the OAB, I know that sounds weird that I have a method/process to pee but you have to find a way to work with OAB so you dont have a constant wet patch. Im using that method like normal and I am coming out the loo with a lot more than a wet patch. Im gonna have to get my dippers out again for the time being, if it gets any worse Im going to have to go to the ER to ensure there isnt a spinal issue.

Im starting to get pretty over tired and really sleepy, Im likely going to have my night meds soon and see if they can push me over the edge to where regardless of spasms and pain, I can actually fall asleep. I dont know how much I like my chance but I can hope, I may push it a bit longer before I have my night meds so that I am really really sleepy, like hardly able to keep my eyes open sleepy, its essentially where I got to last night before I went to bed. I am really hoping for more than a few hours of poor quality sleep. Again, I dont like my chances but I can hope. Its definately something Ill be talking about to the GP on Tuesday and hopefully he choses to do something, I mean I cant be the only chronic pain sufferer to be in this position and there has to be something that can be done, prescribed etc to help. Im sure if I can get some good quality sleep, that will make managing my pain so much easier.

FFS Dad complains about the heater, about all the electricity and I finally get some warmth into the kitchen and he decides to vacuum, not an issue, well I could have done without the noise but he opened the door to the kitchen and left it open and all the hot air out of the room and now its damn cold again. Seriously, he ticks me off, he makes trying to do what he asks as hard as freaking possible.

Its hard, pretty much impossible to explain the pain I am in, like the people I live with, granted not the greatest people to use, see the result of the pain, I have spoken a little and they still dont have any concept of the pain. I mean its hard when they dont believe I am in the pain I say I am and they really dont want to listed to me about how I feel. There are so many layers to the pain, its not like a cut where you say it hurts here, the person you show can see the cut and understand the pain, almost everyone has had a cut of some description at some point in time. Almost everyone has had a sore back aswell. Tight lumbar that hurts when you do anything. Pick up something wrong, fall and land wrong, a sore back happens. But its just sore, its an ache. What I have going on is so different, I have nerve pain that is constant, it never ever stops, the moment I wake up its there all the way to the second I fall asleep. From the nerve pain, I have pain all through my hips, its tight, its solid. The pain drops down my legs, the left one being the worst. My thighs are hard, stiff, it makes walking difficult and painful. My entire lumbar area is in constant pain, its like one of those rubber band balls, every time I move it causes pain, its like it catches and pinches. Between my shoulder blades is like they are tied together like a corset, move my arms at all, even moving my fingers means pain. Then my neck, its rock hard, it doesnt matter what I do that hurts and it flares up the more you move it and if you move it suddenly, all of which is impossible not to do, you move your head constantly. From head to toe your stiff and can hardly move most the time. Then come the spasms, I get muscle rigidity in my legs where the go completly stiff and rock hard. I get lumbar spasms, spasms in my shoulders and neck. They can be incredibly intense and lift my head and entire torso off the mattress. Given that sudden movements are bad, spasms are really really painful. The pain is incredible, sometimes breathing out is painful. It really doesnt go away, mornings tend to be less painful for me and it gets increasingly worse as the day goes on. Thats the way it feels sorta, but the pain you cant imagine and I cant explain, I dont know of anything to compare it to. I take a very high dose pain killer, like special approval has to be given to my GP to prescribe it. In addition to this pain medication I have break through pain medication. The two medications are fundementally the same medication, one is an extended release version that I take every 12 hours. The other is an immediate release but as I found out I cant take many of them safely. I have had to push it out to taking them every 6 hours instead of every 4 as Im allowed to. Even with all these pain killers, I am in agony, like I cant describe the pain. I do not want to know what it would feel like without the pain medications.

I would like to sent the above to each member of my family to read so maybe then they would have some understanding of the pain I am in. I doubt they would read it and if they did they still wouldnt believe it was that bad. Listen I do get "breaks", sitting down the pain lessens, though I get spasms so randomly there is a lot of pain. I might get into a spot that provides more relief briefly it never lasts long and its never complete relief. Laying down, can bring a fair bit of relief but it can bring on lots of spasms so its random and often spurts of really bad pain and moving about. When it comes to falling asleep its a matter of waiting out the spasms, sucking up the pain and hoping that it doesnt last long so with the help of my night meds I fall asleep. That has to happen in the effective window of the night meds or its unlikely that I will fall asleep. Then I wake up over and over during the night which means I go through that process almost every time. Then you have things like eating, since the pain increased after the SI Joint treatment, eating is an issue. Sometimes I manage either lunch or breakfast but often not either at all. I try to make sure I eat tea everynight but often that is a really small meal, like a third of a Lite n Easy meal. That can be it for days at a time, a third of a Lite n Easy meal. I get nauseas from the pain, I feel so shit, Im so tired, that I cant eat, I cant stomach food. The medication causes issues with the bowels, even with the added medication incorporated in the main medication that helps in this area. The number of areas of my body and life my spinal problems affects are more than just pain. It is incredibly limiting and holds me back from the life I want.

I woke up at about 11pm but basically went to the loo and went back to bed. I didnt have smokes, but I did have money. I just didnt have it in me to drive into town. I woke again a bit after 2 and just went in regardless of how I felt. Was relly keen for a smoke. Im not nesseccarily in a bunch of pain, its completly tolerable because Ive been laying down for quite a while. My lumbar is sore, but the rest of my body is just weird, like its tight, everything is really really tight, I feel pretty lousy, my head is sore, not a quite a headache, there is pain behind my eyes. Overall I just dont feel flash.

My sister has sent me another message at a bit before 12am asking if Im ok. I dont even want to answer, its just a pre-text to some crap, she doesnt care how I am, she has already asked me once today and it went no where, I just say that Im ok not whats going on anymore. I replied with Yep.

My back is steadily getting worse, its nearly 4am and Im thinking about going back to bed. The amount Im sick of this shit is undiscribable, its not just the amount of pain, its just the continual pain, the inability to do shit, the varying amount of pain that one moment you can drive then next you can barely walk. I really cant explain how frustrating, irritating and depressing it all is.

At night Ive been smoking inside, its so hard to get outside and to do it in 1/2 light is just too dangerous given my legs. Dad is probably going to eventaully flip out but hes in bed so it cant really bother him, to cut me a break

Ive woken up again, Im sore all over, really sore. My back is not great at all, normally Im in a lot less pain after several hours sleep, laying down generally helps "reset" the pain. It hasnt really done that tonight. Im still in a fair bit of pain. I have my pain GP today, I doubt he will be able to anything to make life better for me. Im really struggling, Im miserable, my family doesnt get the pain how would the even consider the emotional side of this. Im gonna have to have some pain meds with my morning meds, which Im gonna have soon. I swear that the heater isnt working, its just blowing air not warm air. Dad is really hot all the time, he has a few medical conditions which make him warm up much more than everyone else but he refuses to believe me, or anyone else, that its cold, even though he admits that he is hot because of his conditions. I just went outside for a smoke and it is cold as hell. I came inside and it was warmer so maybe the heater is working. Its shit that I, of all people, have to go outside in the freezing cold to smoke. Cold is not great for my back, it makes the back so much worse, they know it but Im the one thats sent outside.

I was thinking I was going to need a nap before I go to the GP, but I think Ill be going back to bed pretty soon, Im yawning so much. The lack of sleep is really getting to me. Its probably showing to the rest of the family but Im trying not to let it. Its not their fault that Im in the position Im in, its their fault that they dont get it, they dont appreciate it, but its not their fault that Im not sleeping so I try not to take it out on them. It would be nice if the rest of them acted this way. I do know my tolerance for anything is really really low. I just got a call from someone who used my online name, I dont have anything official with the name I use online. I am pretty careful about what identifiable information I put online, I dont say where I live, my legit name, anything really. So when I got the call and they asked for the person with my online name I told them to F off and hung up. I dont seem to care about anything, like my sister is having surgery, she was having surgery in one hospital and now in another with her original surgeon. Its not that I dont care that she is having surgery, I want her to be ok, I have no emotional investment, I want to know she is ok at the end but other than that I just dont have it in me. It was the same with Dad last night, I told him he needed to go to hospital and did suggest an ambulance but he took himself. I kept tabs on things kinda, but again it was just checking he was ok I wasnt panicing, I had no desire to go in with him, I dont know that I would have stayed up if he hadnt got home when he did. Its not that I dont love them, I dont have it in me to care, Im overwhelmed by my own pain, by my own conditions let alone whats going with my family. If I didnt have all my stuff, maybe I could continue being invested but its been going on so long, it takes so much energy, and thats just my sister. Dad is a bit more like me, or me him, we take care of our selves with out medical stuff. My sister tends to outsource a lot of things, she doesnt tend to update with whats going on in major intervals, I mean she didnt say shit for ages but now she is telling Mum every little thing, which is the norm. She depends on Dad and I to bring in stuff, she wants people to come and spend time with her regularly, like a couple hours every couple days at least. If you dont do these things you dont love her. It doesnt matter that Dad and I are sick, in pain, exhusted etc. she comes first or you dont love her.

I dont know if I dont care because Im overwhelmed or if realising how badly everyone treats me, the abusive behaviour. You know if they treat me like I dont matter, that Im lying about my pain, etc. Dad cant stand up for me and tries to push me to do chores right after procedures basically cause he doesnt want to do it or its my job regardless of my situation, if this is the way they treat and think of me I am now finding it hard to have anytime for them, to care for them and their issues. Really, if someone is beating the shit out of you, you've got broken teeth, bruises, cuts and they fall over kicking you, you dont go and comfort them and I kinda feel like thats where I am. I know if I were to talk to anyone about this, to tell Mum for instance, taking out the grump Id get over thinking I was being abused, she would still be of the opinion that I need to be invested in everything, that I should comfort the person beating the shit out of me. Again, I just dont matter, certainly not enough that I should matter more than those abusing me.

My Dad has the heart doctor today, which is good after last night. Hes just woken up and is exhusted (its 10am) I asked him what hes doing, my sister has given him a few jobs in town and a list of stuff to bring down to her. I dont know why she cant leave him the hell alone and just leave him alone. Just prioritise things, having your vape really isnt that important. I dunno, he was in ER last night, Mum gets him to pick up tea on the way home and my sister gives him a list of shit to bring down. Dad being Dad he will do it, he wont way Im too sick, leave me alone. I get in shit because I do, I dont care, not at all.

Im really feeling lousy, my head is so heavy and its just so empty, I cant explain it, its just like trying to see through really thick fog. Everything hurts, my thighs are really sore and tight, my arms are heavy and sore. Back is bad. I cant get over how tired I am, I was hoping to get a nap in before I went to the doctors but its too late for me to do that. Its 11am my appointment is at 2:30 so I have to leave at 2 and I have to have a shower, Im planning on a long one, I just want to sit in there and soak for ages. The only bonus is that my doctor will see me at a bad place and might actually do something. I dont care if he gave me one sleeping tablet so I can get one good night in bed. Dad asked how I was this morning and I said really shit and sorta said about how I was feeling today and he didnt say a thing. I would have had a better response if I said that I had a great sleep, pain was good etc.

We have 4 dogs, 3 golden retrievers and a groodle. The groodle was bought at the begining of the year. The dogs are inside dogs and predominately stay in the kitchen/dining/lounge area. 2 dogs are Mums and 2 my sisters, including the groodle. Mum doesnt really come down to the kitchen area at all. None of the dogs have any real training, they dont walk on leads, they have a tendancy to jump and the concept of getting out the way is completely foreign to them. In such a small space with 3 big dogs and a medium sized dog it can get really crowded and frustrating to get around. We have been on about getting rid of dogs for ages, then my sister says she wants an emotional support dog, so parents let her buy groodle. Granted she has been in hospital a lot but hasnt done shit training wise when shes been home. The dog is getting too old to be trained as a support pet. The really annoying thing, thats what happened with her other dog. The same thing happened with Mum, she got a dog, didnt train it so Dad let her buy another one and she did the same damn thing. No one wants to take responcibility to feed them. Dad gets stuck with the bill for paying for all the dog food, again another thing my sister get away with not paying that she should, she wants the dogs feed them and pay for it. No one wants to do anything with them, Mum says Dad and I need to stand outside and throw a ball for them to get some energy out of them. FFS they arent our dogs. If you dont want to/ cant look after the dogs you own, play with them, feed them, pay for the food etc then get rid of them, just sell them. Its clear we have too many dogs for the room inside so sell them. No one wants to make my sister sell her dogs so its my Mums that will go. My sister is trying to leave and move into a Housing SA house because Mums abusive to her. She asked if her oldest dog can stay with Mum and Dad, which Mum said yes to. My sister is leaving as my Mum is abusive but she will leave her dog with them, allow them to look after him and pay for everything. The dogs bark constantly. If my sister is leaving she takes her dogs with her, if she cants she sells them. But my sister doesnt know she will be gone long, like this is just temporary and she is going to move back after a while. Thats not how this works as far as Im concerned, Mum is abusing my sister and my sister needs to escape in a really big hurry or she just wants to live out of home alone for a while and she is taking advantage of the system. If she is planning on coming back, Mum really isnt abusing her, its bullshit. Dont get me wrong, the dogs are cool, I love them. But Im for ever getting tripped up by them, 2 of them play behind me as I walk and jump on my feet and that hurts like hell, I really dont need that. My Dads legs are incredibly sore and he finds walking difficult so its hard for him with all the dogs.

So the long hot soak failed. Dad decided to have a shower while I was having one. He and I talked again today, from what he is saying, if he can be believed, it would appear that Mum is going to continue to have my sisters back like she always has been. She is blaming everyone and anyone for her buying the car except for my sister. She is even trying to claim that my sisters sickness now, that she didnt have then, but now messes with her mind and meant she wasnt in her right mind when she bought it. Seriously, my sister decided to buy a car thats the end of the story, it was her decision, she organised the cheque, no one else and it was no one elses fault and my Mum needs to accept that. My sister is having remorse maybe, Mum has decided finally to look at what my sister is billing them so my sister now knows she might not be getting $15k that she billed them. She is fighting them about the house deposit loan so thats more money she knows she owes. She has been spending money like its on fire on all sorts of stuff. Now she is about out of money and thats my Dads fault because he didnt take her debit card away from her. Again, my sister isnt responsible for her actions. As always my Mum is leading the charge to defend my sister and I honestly wouldnt be suprised if my Dad ends up having to pay my sister something to help her rather than borrowing money.

My sister sent me a message and asked if I was ok and I replied not really. She still tried getting me to do shit. Simple stuff like ask Dad to bring down underware but if you can text that to me, you can text it to Dad. I just want to be left out of it. Then I get, fair enough, which is code for my sister not being impressed. But honestly, why does a request for Dad need to go through me, talk direct with Dad. I told you that Im not good today, so maybe leave me alone. But no, she doesnt actually care, she just wants what she wants.

My sister doesnt realise or she just thinks she is entitled to everything what my Mum does for her, how much Mum has her back. Mum took her away so much in years past, she has made Dad pay for so much, she has made and Dad has on his own taken her out etc. She made Dad support and pay for all sorts of stuff when my sister moved out of home. When my sister owned a home they paid for heaps. Even today they pay for a heap of stuff despite her having quite a healthy bank balance from selling the house.

Dad took me away a few times, but not often just a few times. Mum has never taken me away, not even out for the day, Ive taken her out for the day. I get loans, I dont get things paid for, I dont get bills taken care of, I didnt get help when I first moved out, I didnt get shit financially. I had to work and earn my money to do the things I want and the things I need. I said to Dad today that Mum says she treated and treats my sister and I equally but thats just not true. She might spend the same amount on presents for birthdays and Christmas but inbetween its a different story. I said to Dad about this, not the lending me money and Dad just said I dont know and walked away. He knows full well Im treated like the unwanted kid, he knows full well what I am saying is true but he wont say shit to Mum, he wont try and make it right, he wont forgive the debt I have. It makes me feel less bad about going bankrupt and his debt being included in it. Makes me feel like just leaving it with the bankruptcy and not paying it back after and they can treat me a bit like my sister for once. But me being me, I feel obligated to pay them back so I'll do my best to try. I know my Mum will definitely come after it. She will not give me a break but neither will Dad. They've stacked the cards completely in my sisters favour and claimed I'm a shit card player. It's not fair and it's not showing equality between my sister and I but Mum apparently does think that's important.

I said to Dad that Mum complains I don't come down and I don't spend time with her. Well there's a big reason why, she spent/spends all her time and effort on her relationship with my sister. She has put very little into a relationship with me. Same goes for Dad, hes more interested in not getting in trouble with my sister to build a relationship with me. There's no point in me pushing for one they don't want it, they have made it clear they only have room for my sister. Why would I go down and spend time with Mum, she's not interested in my life or issues, she doesn't listen to me. Dad and I were real clear about my sister and Mum needs to protect herself and its fallen on deaf ears, like all my advise.

I had my GP appointment, they decided to increase my pain meds up a step. Im on some really strong pain meds now, like Im kinda nervous going onto these pain meds and Im never concerned about going onto new meds and Ive been on some decent meds before, but Im pretty sure they are gonna make me drowsy as hell. I told my Mum and expained how strong it is because its a medication she uses with a twist essentially. Mum very disapprovingly that she doesnt like me on such strong pain medication, I dont either but what am I going to do, I cant sit in agony, on less pain meds because it makes people more comfortable. I then said that Im over this that I wasnt dealing with things. Mum says she is over everything. No understanding, no appreciation, no sympathy, just how she feels. Again, I dont matter, just her and my sister. The whole time Im talking to Mum my sister is texting Mum and my Mum is replying, she cant stop for ten minutes and give me some attention, no my sister might hold her breath and go blue. Im clearly in a hell of a lot of pain, Im clearly not feeling well, Im clearly not doing well but she cant see past my damn sister for a split second. After everything Mum has been told that my sister is saying about her, whats happening as a result and still my sister is Mums only child. Thats the actual truth of the matter, for Mum she only has one ligit child, I just dont count.

I feel like leaving it there today, like just not writing anymore. I went on the forums and answered a couple of messages. Dad came home, he is going on to some big time blood pressure medication, they are hoping that it will reduce his blood pressure really quickly. They have also found a murmur in his heart as well that they want to fix. I think he is down telling Mum at the moment. It would be really good if Mum and my sister would realise how sick he is, how bad his blood pressure is and stop causing all this unnessacary stress at home. Like today my sister wanted him to come to the hospital and he said no, she says that he can just come and she will meet him out the front and he can just drop the stuff off. So she doesnt want to see him, just get crap from him. But she cant work out that driving like an extra 1 and 1/2 is too much for him, that takes a lot out of a person, especially when you're as sick as he is. But all she can see is wanting the shit she wants. Despite how sick he is, Mum wants him to cook, clean etc. We need to get some help in the house, my sister has NDIS with household cleaning etc included in her package does she offer it to Dad to help him out? No, we let Dad struggle and suffer because she doesnt want people to see the house as it is, which is all her shit everywhere.

Im sitting up obviously and the spasms are on, they're not overly intense for the most part, Ive had a couple of really bad ones. Its a bit of a concern that they are happening so much while Im sitting, because they are just going to get so much worse when I go to bed in a bit and Im laying down. Spasms suck, I get thrown around a bit but they hurt a lot and the compound, each spasm makes the muscles more and more painful.

My sister is messaging me about Dad, Mum obviously isnt replying to her. I just want her to go away and leave me alone. I really just want to be left alone, Im tired, Im grumpy, Im really hurt, just leave me alone. I am really just trying to keep myself occupied until I can take my night meds and go to bed. I have to get up at midnight to take one of my meds so I can have blood tests tomorrow to test the levels. Last test they were pretty high, we made some changes so hoping they are within range.

My sister just asked if I was alright and I said no, she asked whats wrong, Im thinking to myself, are you keeping up, like I discussed this earlier with you. I said same shit. But she could have said something along the lines is it your back, something that acknowledges that she has heard me when I say Im in a shit load of pain. Seriously, she doesnt believe me that I am in the pain Im in, I dont get why, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that I am. She wants the focus to be on her even if that means attacking me and my issues. She knows that if she says Im full of shit and Im not in as much pain as I am making out, that Im fooling the doctors etc that Mum will believe her over me and any evidence there is. I dont even know how you would fool a doctor when it comes to the meds Im on, there isnt much point either, the high you get from the meds its based on doesnt happen with the med Im taking, the additonal component of the med knocks that out. Added to that I dont get a high from it, if I take too much I get wonky and its not fun. But even if they were giving me a high, doctors are fantastic at weeding out drug seekers. There is enough evidence, there is enough procedures, there is enough history to show Im in a serious amount of pain.

I really dont see the point in talking to my family at all anymore. Like keep them updated simply because I live with them. Ill be polite and shit. But talking to them about anything of consequence, my pain, my issues any of that. Whats the point, my sister just dismisses it all and poisons Mums opinion. Mum doesnt really give a shit, shes too focused on my sister to care about me. Dad just says he doesnt know what to do, throws his hands up in the air and walks away. You know I dont think its hard, like how far down the parental bag of tricks do you have to reach to even pretend to care, all I want is for them to show they give a rats arse. Maybe even just listen and give me a hug, buying me something randomly would be nice, it doesnt even have to be expensive but so many times my sister was down and Mum and/or Dad would get her flowers or something nice to cheer her up. Ask if I need help, not just assume Ill do everything myself, like Dad tonight your right to organise your tea arent you, not very inviting to ask for help. I get he's sick, we could work together or something but no, your're on your own. Im not going to get any of that and I refuse to ask or point out the difference between my sisters treatment and mine. I kinda did that with Dad today and I got the I dunno and walk away.

As it stands Im going to have to do tea when I wake up later, Im in way too much pain at the moment. Im going to have my meds in a minute, have a smoke or 2 and go to bed. I am all but completely on my own with my issues. Dad seems to think lending me money is enough support, its important thats for sure, I wouldnt be able to do what Ive done. But thats like the minimum a father does for his son who is in a situation like mine. Mum barely keeps her fingers on the pulse when it comes to me. My sister essentially only into it to get information to twist and talk to Mum about and then decide how Im faking it. So yeah, I have to find my own supports, I have to manage and get to all my own appointments regardless of how bad I am, I have to deal with all my own personal needs, essentially everything is on me. Its very different for my sister.

My Dad just asked Now you ok. I just said yes. He cant see that Im about in tears from the pain. He said about a birthday card he got, its his birthday in a couple days. It was my birthday earlier this year, I didnt celebrate it at all. I didnt have a meal, I didnt do a thing. I couldnt be bothered having another birthday where Mum couldnt be arsed coming down for a meal. I couldnt deal with the fake you matter thing, a night where its about me that my sister takes over completely. I dont even care about the presents, its always cool stuff but not anything I will use or wanted. They think they know me but they dont, not at all. 1/2 the stuff I get is stuff my sister thinks I should have because its what people have, like pictures, Ive never had pictures on my walls, I dont see the point. The pictures are cool, dont get me wrong, they are the theme I like. But if you know me, you know I prefer a blank wall. But Im supposed to have that shit so now I do. Ive got comics and indepth books on comics, Ive never been into reading comics let alone indepths on them, I like the movies. Then I get in shit because I dont use what I am given. Amazingly, I didnt use the comics I got one year so lets get more the next. Id rather not get anything than stuff Im not going to use. But God forbid I say anything and hurt my sisters feelings, rather I accumulate more and more stuff that Im not going to use. Every birthday for everybody we are scratching our heads looking for something to buy for them, we all have pretty much everything we want. We go to my sister who comes up with something. I honestly dont know why we are still doing it, I think we should stop buying gifts for one another for the sake of doing what you do. Any which way this year Im not going to be able to buy presents for either Mum or Dad, I dont earn enough money at the moment, SCI really doesnt stretch that far, especially when you have medical bills like mine. I know that will give everyone the shits but Dads about broke so if I run out of money then Im out of money.

I cant explain how extremely over this I am. I went to bed hoping to fall asleep but after an hour of bouncing about trying to find a spot where I wasnt in too much pain, an hour of spasms, I gave up so incredibly frustrated. I think thats as big of a problem trying to fall asleep when Im like this, you cant find a spot thats not to painful, even if you do soon enough Ive got incredible spasms it makes it really hard to get to sleep. But the frustration really means you havent got a chance of falling asleep. Im desperate to fall asleep at the moment, Ive had so little recently and I am literally exhusted but its not enough to fall asleep regardless of the spams etc. Im kinda banking on this to fall asleep. Im going to stay up atleast until midnight now and have my med that Im getting tested on then try the sleeping thing again.

I came back down, in a heap of pain, frustrated as hell and just plain irritated. I walk though the kitchen door and Dad says Go Away. That was it, he went back to his chair in the lounge. There was no, are you ok or anything like that, just go away. Im not great, etc, I dont really expect Dad to care, like I dont expect him to ask if Im ok, why Im back down but to say go away, thats more than a kick in the arse.

Im starting to get really drowsy, Im dozing off when Im sitting doing nothing. Im finally having something for tea. Just a can of chuncky soup, so quick and simple. Done all that, falling asleep so off to bed

I finally got so tired and drowsy I couldnt stay awake and at around 1am I went to bed and fell asleep. That lasted until about 5am. Im still tired as hell and Ill try to go back to sleep in a little bit. I wish I could get a decent sleep, like a full 8hrs at once on a regular basis. The pain is kinda ok, like its not herrendous but Im not out of pain though Im better than I was, I think the new pain meds might help out a bit. Im kinda hungry but I have no motivation or energy to make something to eat. My TV tablet just ran out of power, I dont get it, its plugged into power, the screens been off so it should charge overnight but no somehow its used more energy than its getting and now its turned off. Moved over to my phone and watching Facebook watch.

Pain between my shoulders is getting bad, its really frustrating. Im getting really tired so I dont think Ill be far from going back to bed. Hopefully I can get some more and a decent amount of sleep. My level of frustration with all this is getting really high, not taking all the other issues I have and the family issues I have the pain Im dealing with is enough to really effect a person negativily add everything else and it messes with you bad. Then you have family carrying on about going back to work, I have no idea how I am supposed to manage that on top of all that.

I got a call yesterday with an appointment time for a psychologist but it was for a male, I didnt specify that I needed a female which is harder to do. I cant open up to males, I struggle in general with that but I have a better chance with a woman. Its got to do with the shit from my childhood. I get away with it with my pain GP because Im not talking about my feelings etc. its just pain. My normal GP is female and thats who I talk to about my mental health.

Im going to go back to bed and see if I can get some more sleep, Ive been awake for about an hour but Im pretty drowsy.

I got 4 or 5 hours of actually solid sleep, I woke up in a lot less pain. I drove in to have my blood tests and that wasnt overly comfortable but I survived. Walking is still hard, my legs, left leg in particular is fairly unresponsive, it moves, I can walk but its like they are puppet legs and Im still learning how to control them. The left leg tends to drag behind me a bit. It is really uncomfortable way to walk, it is pretty tiresome. My thighs are really sore and tight, some of my muscles are really tight pretty well all over, some worse than others. I didnt have my morning meds until quite late because I slept late and I had the blood tests which meant I couldnt have one of the medications. So I waited until I got home. That meant that I didnt have my pain meds until late, they are supposed to be taken every 12 hours but work longer than that, but I might have pushed it a bit today. I was aiming at being up at 8 and going and doing my blood tests but I got up at 10 so it wasnt until 11:30 before I got my meds. I should have used my brains and taken all my other meds before I left. I was focused in getting my blood tests done within the 4 hour window I have to take them. You miss that window you have to try again so you have to plan well. Im 30min from where I get my tests done and it can sometimes be in and out and sometimes a really long wait so you have to be prepared for the wait. I tend to take my night dose at midnight and go in at around 8, they open at 8:30. Generally at that time its in and out or near enough to. But I slept past that today so it was a bit of a rush.

While I was in town I went and got some heat and eat meals, Dad got me to drop off a script for him while I was doing that as they are next door to each other. Its a bit of a walk for me to get to the heat and eat meals, having a detour is a bit of a stuggle but its not too bad and it helps Dad out. By the time I did all that I was really tired and my legs were sore as. Sitting in the car helped calm them down though. Then its off to the next location and do it again, spurts of doing stuff, sit down and recover and then do it again.

I feel really weird after taking my meds, which include the stronger pain med. Not drowsy, Im tired and I think Ill have a nap soon enough but all my muscles feel really tight, Im really stiff. But I dunno I dont feel right, my body doesnt feel right. Im not in much pain, its still hard to walk but there is more to it its like my body is tired. Like Ive been in a fight where Ive got 4 or 5 guys around me kicking the crap out of me while Im huddled on the ground. Kind of like really bad flu, where everything is stiff, sore and aching. This isnt pleasent. I took the meds last night and went to bed so if its the meds then I slept through it last night. None of it is intense enough that I cant work through it, I mean it would be hard but I could do it. That said I dont have anything on today so sleeping is a real option and one Im soon to take.

My sister is having surgery today, Im not sure what time. Hopefully this one resolves her issues, she keeps getting anemic because of the issue. Its been going on for years, her specialist has told her to do all sorts of things to try and improve her situation before he does surgery because the surgery is painful and its easy to get the procedure sites infected and to control that. My sister literally did nothing of what he asked, she came up with excuse after excuse and now she is having to have emergency surgery because of the problem. If she had done anything he told her too she could have avoided all of this but she knew best as did Mum and he should just have done the surgery. Its a funny thing, doctors tend to avoid cutting into people if they can, they tend to avoid potentially dangerous procedures in favour of non-invasive treatments, because its safer and has a proven track record of being successful. But no he should have done the surgery and to make the point my sister didnt do any of what he said and allowed things to progress until he has to do the procedure. I mean it was so bad that she had to have a transfusion the other day.

My sister is regularly very unwell, hospital, doctors etc. I mean I am too, but my stuff is more structual and mental health stuff. She has some serious mental health issues obviously. But I swear if she looked after herself just a little bit she would be a lot better off. She doesnt eat and when she does its shit, fast food mainly. Dad can cook a great meal, looks really nice and she will go get herself a burger. She never eats much of it. She eats potatoe chips and other snack food as the day goes on but its all crap. Both her and I have a weakness for iced coffee but she drinks a bit more than me, she also drinks Maccas cokes and other crap. I dont tend to eat much but I eat Lite n Easy most the time, I have a couple litres of iced coffee a day, which is too much, but everything else I drink is sugar free. I dont really eat a huge amount of snack food, not in comparison to my sister and my Mum. I always get shit when I do if Im seen by Mum and my sister tells my Mum every time and makes it out to sound like thats all I eat. If Mum sees me with iced coffee its what are you doing with that shit. Though she knows how much of it my sister drinks and will make Dad and I buy it and if she actually goes shopping will buy it for my sister. If my sister ate and drank better, I know she would feel better, her meds would have a "bed" to sit on rather than an empty stomach every time she takes them. I would imagine that is part of her problem. Her tests results would be better as she would be getting some nutrition. I know Im not getting enough, the pain is preventing that but I try and when I feel ok to eat I eat. If that means I have my tea at midnight or 2am thats what I do. That too goes down to Mum, for some reason its a major issue that I eat at night, even if I havent eaten the whole day before, something I know Mum does because she has admitted to it. If my nausea gives way and I wake up feeling hungry early in the morning then Im going to eat, it could be 10 or so hours until I am able to eat again, so I take the opportunities where I find them.

Its incredibly frustrating that everything I do that my sister doesnt agree with is relayed down to my Mum so she can either tell me to do otherwise or tell Dad to tell me to do otherwise. Im 43 years old, I can work out for myself that if I havent eaten all day or longer and its like 2 or 3 in the morning because the very idea of eating anything makes you want to throw up and all the sudden the nausea is gone for whatever reason, then regardless of the time, Im going to eat. Just because its not a designated time to eat, its not a normal time to have a meal doesnt matter. I think if you are going through the situation I am, you eat when you can. I think thats the problem with me sleeping late and having naps, same with Mum, my sister sees that there are designated times for things and its only acceptable for you to do those things during those times, though it doesnt count for her, she can sleep all day because she didnt sleep for a few days before. Which I agree with, though she should have gone to bed each night, but she has a different set of rules for her. So much of what I do or dont do makes its way down to Mum, its a constant stream, Mum just assumes what is being said is factual, it rarely is, its almost always half truths and manipulated stories but Mum accepts that my sister would never lie to my Mum. She does, she does all the time. Mum doesnt discuss what is said with me, she doesnt come and say is this what really happened, even if she did she would take my sisters story over mine. Even if my Dad (which he wont) backed up my story, I had video evidence, my Mum would find a way where what my sister said was the truth. My sister always tells the truth, always and thats undisputed by Mum, what Dad and I say, well thats only the truth if my sister says so.

At 43 I dont need my sister trying to be my parent, trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life. My sister expects me to live my life to her expectations. She is, in some ways, a cleanliness freak though its up to others to do the cleaning for her. I have 2 cups that cycle through the dishwasher, one hasnt been put through for a while for some reason, so the cup Im using is a bit dirty, not gross but needs a wash. My sister, if she was home would be freaking out and demanding that I clean it. It would be a huge deal, because I dont care about something she cares about. She has a lot of things like that, that she imposes onto me. The fun thing as I say is in most instances she makes others do the things she is particular about, I mean the rules she has about washing her clothes, yet its Dad that does it. I have my own quirks, we all do, but I deal with my quirks and I dont expect others to deal with them for me. Again, if I dont deal with her quirks for her, do things the way she likes, even if its a job she should be doing for herself, that like everything, goes to my Mum. The good stuff we do, the helpful stuff, the going above and beyond, that doesnt go to Mum. When Dad pays for something for my sister because he couldnt find it and she needed it brought down, that didnt go to my Mum, the story of how Dad didnt bring it did. I can assure you that in the same situation Dad would have said tough to me and I would have just had to go without.

I explained to my Mum recently that she can stop talking to Dad about the stuff my sister is saying about me and she might as well not bring it up with me because I dont care. That my sister had basically pushed me too far and that I no longer care if I am upsetting her, if I am dissappointing her, anything. I mean if I am doing something herendous that I really and honestly shouldnt be then thats different but in all other cases, I dont care and leave me alone, Im 43, Im well an adult quite capable of making my own choices, deciding how I am going to live and what Im going to do. If she doesnt like it, she is going to have to learn to accept it. If I hear that what Im not doing isnt helping her again I might just lose my shit. Its this comment she has come up with where she is saying the actions of another are not helping her mental health, she is using it to control how others exist. Its not like, someone is call her names, its more Dad and I groaning when we move. Here is the thing that really gives me the shits with the comment is, so much of what she is doing isnt helping either Dad or I, it is having a severe and detrimental effect on both our mental health. The fact that the hallway is half full of her crap, the lounge is half full and same with the kitchen and instead of sorting it out, cleaning it up she spends her days out shopping and bringing home more shit. I dont expect her to work on it constantly but its been 2 years that the shit has been in the lounge, seriously do something about it. My sister needs to realise that its not just her house, that 3 other people live here.

I decided to go and have a nap, I didnt last long though. Spasms took a little while but when they kicked in they kicked in good. One threw my head up and really really hurt my neck. Once again I just couldnt lay still long enough to fall asleep. Im completely wiped out but not exhusted enough to overcome the spasms. I feel like I could sleep for a week and still be tired.

The stronger pain meds re working better than the others, they dont seem to be having any side affects. Im struggling more with an overwhelming tiredness, its weird its like my whole body is tired, all the muscles everything. I mean it could be lack of sleep but I got a good sleep last night and its a type of tired I havent experienced before. Something I did mean to mention yesterday, when Mum said about the increase in pain medication and her not being happy about me being on such strong medication and I said what can I do? This gives a bit of understanding of her thoughts on my pain, she suggested a putting hot water bottle or something on it. Really, Im playing with really high strength pain medication, Im in incredible pain, for the most part its nerve pain so heat wont do shit. Hot anything might help for a muscle strain, but when your dealing with the pain and the type of pain Im dealing with a heating my back isnt going to help other than to warm up my back in this cold weather. But really, it just shows what her thoughts are on my pain and pain issues. She knows Ive been having procedures, like injections and 12 branches of nerves have been burnt off you would think that she would I dunno, realise, understand, appreciate that its not a pulled muscle, its a little more serious.

I really wish that my Mum and sister and Dad to a degree would get it through their collective heads that my back is actually really not good. Like, I know Im not needing to have a fusion or something like that. I know I dont need some kinda major surgery. Im not in traction. I get that there are much worse spinal issues and much worse treatments and much worse pain. But they seem to be of the opinion that its a bad muscle strain or something, that the procedures Im having are just needles into my back. That the pain cant be anywhere near as bad as I say. There is something wrong with the nerves in 12 joints in my actual spine. Each time they do an injection, they are actually injecting into my spine, they need a CT or X-Ray or something to help direct the needle into the joint, which arent huge. Its a needle into the actual spine then either injecting something or burning the nerves in the joint off. I know thats not massively major but its pretty serious. The dysfunction of the joints is incredibly painful, I dont understand exactly whats going on that causes it to be dysfunctional, like its something to do with the nerves obviously, are the overly sensitive, trapt, is there not enough room for them, are they diseased or something. Ive never bothered to ask, I just know that to resolve the issue and get rid of the pain they need to get rid of the nerves in the joints. So, they burnt the nerves off. Which sounds simple enough and in practice its turned out to be a very painful experience. The nerves are burnt, there is inflamation where the procedure took place, thats just gonna be painful and Im told it could take around 6 weeks for it to heal. Thats if its worked and I dont have to do it again because the nerves werent fully burnt off. So a potential 6 weeks recovery time for a potential 6-9 months without or significantly less pain and then I get to do it again. Which means that the pain will come back, I dont know if that means if the pain will return slowly and I get into have the procedure before it gets really bad and if that happens the pain from the procedure is less intense of if the pain comes back full on all the sudden and I have to deal with bad pain for weeks while I wait for a slot for my procedure to be done. This is the stuff that I am thinking about, stuff that I am worried about. Depending on how the pain returnes will impact my ability to work, I mean if the pain returns full on I might not be able to work for a bit until I can get back onto the pain meds and them work. Then I have the procedure and Im back in this crazy pain with issues of my nerves. So every 6-9 months I have 2 -3 months of potential pain. I mean its far better than being in pain constantly and taking stong pain medication all the time. Still its going to cost $1400 out of pocket every time I do this. Its a far cry from ideal but its the best on offer at the moment. When I told Dad about the 6 week recovery time and 6-9 months of no pain he said its hardly worth it is it. Which I kinda get what hes saying but it does really show his thoughts on my pain. If I get 6-9 months pain for the price of a couple months pain its worth it to me. I mean Im going to be in pain if I dont have the procedure, its not like the choice is less pain permanently or a few months incredible pain, treatment and and several months of no pain. With what we've done over the past 8 months, we have uncovered a really significant spinal issue that causes incredible pain. When the nerves regrow in my joints Im going to be back in incredible pain again, not in the pain I was dealing with 12 months ago. What I am kinda intersted in is what happens when the nerves regrow in my sacroiliac joint, I dont think its planned that we treat this anymore, I think the plan is just to treat the lumbar facet joint. So does that mean I am going to have pain in my hips again? If its bad will he consider treating both joints, which will mean its going to cost another $1400. Then its the concern that will I be able to afford this. If they were all I was going to be dealing with it would be a stretch but I have bladder cancer and a heap of other things. This is the shit that the family isnt considering, this is the stuff that they just dont get. Mum just assumes I should be able to afford the procedure costs, for some reason she has it in her mind that I earn a lot more than I do and I have absolutly no expenses. I dont really know how I am going to do it all but I have to, I have to pay for all the other medical stuff as well. I feel like my life has been taken over by maintaining medical conditions, working to pay for procedures and treatment, like I exist simply to try and continue to exist. That is really really depressing.

Its not point talking to my parents about any of this, they dont care, its my problem. Their medical stuff is pretty much covered by medicare and private health, any gap would be pretty small or Dad would winge and hes had chemo and Mum has had pretty major heart procedures and a lot of them. My sister has a fair number of procedures but again the gap must be small because I dont hear about it and shes as bad as Dad about money. Mum had a heap of procedures for her heart but they are done now. Mine are regular procedures for life, unless of course they come up with something better and more effective. Thats the worst thing, I am going to swap between a lack of pain and incredible pain every so often and without much warning. Somehow I have to fit some kinda life within this. The family doesnt get this, I mean its hard for them because they dont believe Im in the pain Im in. I know if I talked to Mum about this, if I could get her onboard with the pain, if I could get her onboard with how life will be for me, my sisters life will be worse. She has had over 30 procedures in her life, some are pretty major and would be really painful. Shes going to be in pain for the rest of her life but at her worse say Im on 12 of something she is 2 a day and she rarely has that. The difference in pain she is experiencing and Im experiencing is huge, but no one will believe that. Ive had something like 16 procedures in the past 12 months, some not so major as hers but thats a lot in 12 months. Im going to be in and out of pain for the rest of my life, but when Im in pain Im going to be in incredible pain. Im also guarenteed to have heaps more procedures over the rest of my life. Like I know I have joint procedures forever, I have cystocopies every 6 months for the next 5 years and then less often after that and colonoscopies every 5 years for however long. Thankfully my employer is fantastically good to me and will accomodate my medical needs. But its likely that Ill have to take some time off without pay, as stated I also have to be able to afford all this. Like Im gonna have to become really phenominal with budgeting and sticking to it, I really need to quit smoking, which Im finding super hard. Ive got to pay for all this, I have all my medication costs, GP costs, specialist cost on top of all my living expenses, food, fuel, rent etc. I think once thats done thats probably going to be it but Id like to have the money for a hobby or something. I mean whats the point of getting out of pain, dealing with my mental health issues and moving out of home if I cant enjoy that but honestly thats what appears is going to happen.

I really want to go to bed, Im tired. I want to have my tea and I want to sleep, but if I lay down Ill just start to spasm, get frustrated and still not sleep. I have to wait until I am basically falling asleep at the table before I go to bed so that I am so tired etc that I pretty much fall asleep before the spasms interupt me and prevent me falling asleep. Last night that ment I was up until 1 am before I could actually fall asleep. Im hoping its not that late tonight. Im hoping that its sooner rather than later but I have my doubts.

Dad keeps making plans for me for the following day. Like he has the plumber coming tomorrow but he has to take Mum to the doctors so he said, you will be home if the plumber comes. Meaning I need to be awake, I have an appointment myself but if Im asleep and I dont have to be up, I dont have to be up for an appointments etc. then I should just be allowed to sleep, no additional responcibilities, no need to do this or that, if I can be asleep, let me sleep, God knows Im getting bugger all of it as it is.

Its stuff like that that makes me know they dont care, they dont get it. Simple things like helping me make sure I get enough or as much sleep as I can when I can. Actually offering to help, not assuming Ill do it myself. I mean the realisation of how much pain Im in needs to hit home, Dad does my sisters washing and there really isnt a reason why she cant do it, she does like 10/12 loads a week. I do maybe 2 loads a week or so, its hard, I put it off as long as I can, basically until Im out of clothes, Dad could offer to do my washing for me, he could offer to do my shopping but he doesnt like buying cigerettes. He is doing the dogs food and dishwasher for me, both my chores, he seems ok with the dishwasher, but everytime it looks remotely like I could take it back on he starts trying to hand it back. Neither of us want to do it, but instead of making my sister do it (when she isnt in hospital) he pushes me to do it despite my situation. If anything he should hold onto it for a little while, let me enjoy not being in pain, make sure its real and then give it back to me. That said, once my sisters home she will be getting it to do. Im not doing it, the dogs can go hungry if she doesnt do it. Shes out all day, she doesnt do shit, they are her responcibility (1/2 of them anyhow) so she can take care of them. I told Mum thats whats happening, so she best not act suprised and there best not be an argument.

Because its looking like its going to take a lot longer than expected to recover they are wondering if we hold off on some of the rehab stuff. Im of the mind that its nerve pain, Im not doing damage so there should be some stuff I can do to start doing something. It will give me something to do and to work towards as well. I kinda just want to start doing something, something thats moving me forward. On the other hand, Im supposed to shower each day and Ive struggled with that this week. Its really hard with my depression, one area it hits really hard is my self care, showering especially. My sister is really critical of this, she complains about me smelling, have you showered? When was you're last shower? Are you wearing deoderant? I get that its unpleasent for her. She is a shower very day, deoderant, perfume, fresh clothes multiple times a day, freshing up, facial wipes blah blah blah. Which is fine for her. Its obviously not an area that she struggles with or she can overcome those struggles. For me its harder, it can be impossible for me to shower. I like showers, especially during winter, a hot shower on a cold night is awesome. But the idea of all that effort, getting undressed and dressed again when your in the pain I am in is not pleasent and you just want to avoid it, same with going down the steps to Mums area, there is so much shit piled up that its hard and painful to do. Its not just that, mentally it plays on you, whats the point, I mean Ive done sweet FA how dirty can I be. Im not seeing anyone. I dont really care if I am seeing anyone most the time. I just dont care how I come across. I dont care about myself, no one else does. Sometimes its just that I dont think of it, its not important, if I do Ill put it off and then forget about it.

Im so flat today, Im tired, but just flat. My sister had surgery today, shes ok. I expect she will be home in a day or two.

I did go down and have a shower, someone stuffed one of the legs on my shower chair and I couldnt see it to fix it, I didnt have my glasses on. So I tried to have a shower regardless but it was really short, I was looking forward to a decent soak. But denied again, yesterday it was Dad, today it was the chair. I just want a good shower. I got out and sat down and talked to Mum for a minute. We somehow got on to my Mums side of the family and Mum started going on about one of my cousins, her relationship broke down and she and her kids moved in with her Mum. Mum was carrying on about how she wouldnt be helping with the cleaning, cooking or money at which point I walked out. It was this massive dig at her sister and child about how they are living and how wrong it was and I just couldnt listen to it. I mean does she hear herself talking, my sister doesnt clean, cook or contribute to the house financially at all, in fact there is a really good indication that she is stealing from them or at very least over charging them for stuff she has bought on their behalf. She uses the most electricity out of everyone. She is the most expensive person living in the house. Mum was on about if my Aunties son didnt meet his wife he would still be living at home and my Auntie would be doing everything for him. My Dad does my sisters washing, he does most the cleaning, he picks up stuff from the shops for her, he is constantly buying stuff for her and not being repaid. I couldnt sit and listen to my Mum bad mouth that family for doing exactly what she does and makes Dad do for my sister. At least my Auntie treats both her kids the same and would do anything for either of them. Mine only does it for the one she likes. Hell, she does all this for my sister if I want to steal some smokes I have to replace them when I get paid next. It really is a completely different relationship between my parents and my sister and with me. They wonder why Im so distant, why Im such a grumpy shit, why Im not willing to go and help beyond what I have to. Why should I, they just want to use me, like if it was possible Mum would fill my free times picking stuff up for her, she would expect me to pay for fuel etc and Id be lucky to get a thankyou. When I was home she would expect me to clean or go outside and do stuff, pick up dog shit or something. She would happily fill my days with chores, just like she does my Dad. Thats pretty much what she wants to do, thats my purpose in life according to my Mum. The fact that I am in pain really shouldnt interfer with that. I just inherited her stubborn side and I wont forced to do stuff that is beyond my capabilities and capacity. What I am realising is that my Dad is pretty much on her side. My Dad was down with Mum and apparently going off about her family, maybe because Mum has such issues with them he thinks its fine to have a go about them but it proves he is able to have an issue and express it with verbal force to Mum. Apparently though, the issues I have that I raised with him over recent times arent significant enough to speak with Mum in the same manner or and what I think now is far more likely, he and Mum have the same opinion and the issues Ive raise, how I feel, dont matter to him either. Its not just my Mum putting my sister first and only, its my Dad. He comes and talks to me like we are equals, like there is a relationship, but theres not. He is happy to talk about things going on in the world, stuff happening at his old work, some of his frustrations with my sister and my Mum. But when it comes to anything Im dealing with, any or my issues with Mum or my sister he sits there, hes completely tuned out, he isnt listening and he doesnt care. He could, if he chose to, talk to Mum and tell her, I dunno, that shes is causing me some serious issues, that she is completely favouring my sister in everything and ignoring me altogether. He could ask her to make more of an effort to show me that she cares even a little bit. I mean I got out the shower and sat down and I was visually in a great deal of pain. She was concerned, but when I said that its just normal she was like ok and that was it. I dont see her a lot, she doesnt see the pain Im in much, she sees me when I shower, maybe if I come down and say hi. She gets most of her information about my pain from my sister and probably my Dad. So she gets to see it first hand tonight and she is initially concerned but that goes away when its just the stock standard pain, not a realisation that holy shit he really is in a lot of pain. For a moment she seemed to care, but then it just disappeared. I dont know what I want from them, being asked how Im going occassionally would be nice. She can call, txt and talk to my sister all through the day, unless I instigate it, it is very likely that I wouldnt hear from her, I can go days without hearing from her. My sister would be lucky to go a few hours without hearing from my Mum if she was awake. I dont want that but some kinda effort. A txt that isnt bring shit to me or go get me. A txt that is about me, for a little bit Id like it to be about me. Id like not to hear about my sister this or my sister that or Im this or Im that. Id like a conversation where I am the main focus.

Im really stuggling tonight, its 9pm. I havent had tea yet, Im gonna try in a while but I dont much feel like it. I had a donut this morning but thats been it. There feels like to much pressure through my back and head. Everything is really tight. Im having the occasional spasm which doesnt fill me with hope for tonight when I go to bed. I cant tell if it's tired or depressed that Im feeling. Probably both. The pain is managable when Im sitting down, walking is a challenge still, being upright hurts a fair bit. The increase in pain meds really help, though I do think they partially responsible for how I feel today. I just have nothing in me, everything is such an effort, so draining. I really just want to curl up in bed, sleep or not, I just want to lay down under my quilt. But spasms stop that, if I lay down I just know they are going to start again and I dont know that I have the mental fortitude to deal with that right now. It really eats at you, spasming stops me laying down let alone sleep. If I do fall asleep I wake up after a couple hours, come down to the kitchen write, smoke and try again. I might get a few more hours sleep but then its up again. Trying to deal with pain, my family, appointments etc on stuff all crappy sleep. The pain and spasms are completely robbing me of my sleep. When Im awake I have nothing in my life other than writing. I sit and write and watch TV. I go to appointments. Thats it, thats my existance. I really cant wait to go back to work so at least I have some purpose, so that I can achieve something each day. Work is important, I think it helps centre a person. I think it gives a person purpose, something to achieve, something to strive for. Without employment or some form of activity that pushes you to grow, to move forward you become stagnant and then you become self absobed then you become just weird. Its not healthy, get a hobby, be with people who challenge you, get into a social group. I dont care do something with your life.

Its impossible for me to work at the moment, the pain Im in would make me too inconsistant. Even if I was able to get through the day I wouldnt be doing a good job and there would be a good chance that I would make mistakes. Added to that, all the appointments would see me out the office a fair bit, Id be off SCI so I would be earning far less with all the unpaid leave and it would be fair on my employer or co-workers. It would be really hard to assign work and ensure that everything was getting done within SLAs. My mental health makes it equally as challenging to work, its hard to concentrate on what you're doing if your seeing people who arent there. It would be unlikely that I would have tactile hallucinations while working because they have predominately been restricted to my bed. Audible hallucinations Ive had at work and kinda severe but its a real stuggle and not ideal at all. If I was having both visual and audible at work that would be a real problem. The derealisation stuff would be hard to work with, really hard, not feeling connected to the world around me, that I am not really here, that I dont belong, feeling all that and being expected to work, to perform, to be able to comprehend mathmatics and what Im reading. Its not going to happen. Trying to work while having psychotic episodes and symptoms is just about impossible, at the least its incredibly hard and really not very bright. I could quite easily make a really bad mistake that sees me in significant trouble or fired. I can deal with the depression and all that and work, though when its really bad and the SI is bad then working gets really difficult. Performance gets bad, poor decisions are made, how you interact with customers is affected. So, the mental health aspect of things needs to be addressed as well as my pain before I go back to work which is why Im pushing to get an ongoing psychiatrist and psychologist as soon as possible but man has there been hurdles with that. The back stuff is being dealt with, its had its hurdles as well but I feel like the psychiatric stuff isnt really being dealt with quite so much. Ive seen psychiatrists but nothings really come of it, except for the last one and that took its time. The psychiatists have been one offs, except the last one has asked me back, there hasnt been any consistant treatment, nothing ongoing, dealing with symptoms as they arise, working out if medication changes have benifited me or not. There hasnt been any learning how to deal with the stress of things, how to manage my psychotic features, how to deal with my anxiety. I dont talk about it much at the moment, because the pain is outweighing things, its my main focus because its so in my face.

I dont know what I expect from them, I mean all of them are sick, they're all in pain, I mean Id argue my pain is a tad more intense than theirs but they are in pain. Dad's basically doing everything at the moment for my sister and my Mum and hes cleaning the house etc. Id argue that my sister could pull her finger out and help a fair bit more. Maybe not now shes had surgery but before it she could have stayed home and helped. At the very least get the NDIS involved to help out, as Ive said before she has the funding for it. Its past worrying about how people feel about the state of the house and help Dad out. Mum could actually talk to my sister about some of this, pull her into line a bit but she is too worried about their relationship to think about Dad. Dad knows Im not sleeping cause I wake him up every time I walk out my room, he knows Im going to bed really late for an average person let alone me. I normally go to bed at like 8pm and here I am staying up until 1am. Im waking up multiple times a night and getting up at like 9/10am. Im trying to have naps but getting up because of the spasms, he knows all this. He knows about the medication Im taking, the moving up the line for my procedure, he knows Im really in pain but he is letting me keep doing all my own stuff, either he doesnt care, figures Im not asking for help so why offer, or just too over it with dealing with my sister and Mum. I bet, I guarentee when my sister gets home, he will be helping her constantly. He will do everything she wants him too. I do know what I want from them, what I expect and thats to be treated equally to my sister, its just not going to happen. I really dont understand why though. Is it simply because Mum is sexist and my sister is a girl and therefore gets treated differently. That shes had a tough life so Mum is trying to make up for it, that Id buy. You know if thats what it is, if its that Mum is trying to make up for the shit life that my sister has had and I agree she has experiences some terrible horrible stuff, I understand. But if trying to make up for that comes at the expense of your other child, if it means you dont have room for a relationship, you dont have room attend to their wants and needs and to make them feel like they matter then something is really really wrong.

When I move out there will be arguments, Dad is aware that Im planning on leaving, Ive indicated that its in the nearish future because it came out of him leaving for the US though I dont think he believes me, I dont think he thinks I can get the money together to do it. He isnt aware that I am going for the grant and other assistances. Mum will crack the shits, Dad will be on her side because he always is, my sister will stir the pot as much as possible. When Mum argues with me I dont know if I will write a letter for her to read, just tell her that she still has the child she actually wants or what. Im feeling a bit antagonistic at the moment, its likely Ill just walk out of her room, Im telling them once I have a place and the removalist is booked. Its not going to be something thats up for debate. It will be a done deal before they even know. I may tell Dad but that will be at the final stages but I have my doubts. Im telling them less and less, like Im telling them stuff they need to know because we all live together but if its not essential for them to know then its not for them to know. Im not telling them of my plans to go bankrupt, I will talk to Dad before I submit the forms because his debt will be included and I suppose the same for my sister. Mum will lose it but I have no choice. She will be shittier that Im doing it after moving out, staying at home isnt going to help, it just isnt, not to mention my mental health needs to take some kind of priority as do I. I am doing it after I leave because it will make it easier too get a place. Added to which, I wont have to hear about going bankrupt and what that is doing to my sister and my Dad, if it starts I can just hang up.

I have 2 appointments booked with my GP, I dont think I have any with my Pain GP, I have to sit down and make a heap more but I really dont want to. My doctors are nice enough, they arent exactly people persons, but my normal GP is warming up. Its just I see them so much and I am really sick of it, making appointments is just a reminder that I will be seeing them a bunch more times and seeing is just a reminder that Im all kinds of messed up. Again, its not just pain, I have my mental health to deal with and bladder cancer. Im so sick of of doctors and procedures and medications. Im sick of paying for all of it, its so much money, money I dont have most the time. They dont have actual answers, its all management plans, treatment regimes. Its better than they cant do anything but only just.

Im starting to get really tired, almost falling asleep at the table so hopefully I can fall asleep without issue, hopefully the spasms will be minimal. My appointment is at 1pm, my aim is to sleep as long as I can but ill have to be up by around 11am.

I went to bed and spasms started as expected, I was about to give up and it was 4am. They are so hard to deal with but I outlasted them last night. I woke up in desperate need to pee rather than pain. I dont think Ill be up for long, Im pretty sleepy, though Im tempted to have something to eat. I have a bit of pain in my lumbar area, and generally just sore. Its really cold, Dad still expects me to smoke outside but I cant, its too much on my back. Though I know he knows Im smoking inside at night, neither of us are saying anything. Kinda the way of it. Dad tneds not to say shit unless he really has to. Im really sleepy, Im dozing while I have a smoke, Im really hungry now so gonna have something to eat then Ill go back to bed. The pain in my lumbar area is getting worse. Its not as bad as it was but still very much over it.

So I went back to bed and got some more sleep. 4-5hrs which isnt bad. Ive woken up in a fair amount of pain, my shoulders are really bad. I drove into town to get drinks and smokes and that wasnt a pleasent trip. I was very happy to get out the car when I got home. I should have gone to the pharmacy as Im nearly out of one of my meds but I didnt have it in me to drive another 20 minutes. Maybe Ill go after my appointment today, I have my doubts, it might be put off until tomorrow. Im not so depressed at the moment as I was yesterday, maybe because I have this appointment, its the start of my rehab. I dont know what Im going to do or more so what Im going to be able to do but I really want to start moving forward. I want to start doing something to get myself back to work again.

Im pretty frustrated, I have been for a while, but Im getting more and more frustrated. My back is really a challenge, the limitations it imposes makes life really difficult. My family not getting it, they dont get how hard and painful doing anything is. Yes I drive into town everyday to get smokes and drinks, I dont expect anyone else ie Dad, to do it for me. I dont anticipate he would do it for me everyday. If he did he would make sure I knew it was a problem. I understand he is sick and neither Mum or my sister let the pressure off. So, yes I drive in. It doesnt mean that its comfortable, it doesnt mean its easy, its not, it hurts, its difficult, but if I dont do it who is going to. The answer would be to go without and I dont want to, my shopping I cant, I cant not have food to eat. Everything is sorta planned, like I will do so much of this and then rest for so long. My family does love to see me resting and try and give me something to do instead, just not getting that I am sitting resting for a reason. I rest alot, I might do something for 10 minutes and rest for an hour as an example. They dont think I need to rest that long, they dont understand the pain. None of them have been through this so they cant understand what Im going through. Everytime I wake up and Im still in pain, still stiff and my muscles are tight, everytime I spasm it reinforces the situation Im in. That it hasnt sorted itself out over night. I dont know what to expect, but in my head I have in mind that I will wake up one morning and it will all be over.

My sister really doesnt get it or more so doesnt want to get it, she wanted me to facetime her today, assumably about getting stuff to be brought down for her, shes in hospital. It is a 30min minimum of looking around for crap for her, which I just cant do, she will push for it too be done, not bit at a time and honestly I dont want to spend the rest of my afternoon looking for stuff, especially when she is due to come home tomorrow. I do stuff I need to do for me, I manage that. I am aiming to add stuff for rehab, which I know will be a challenge but needs to happen. But that doesnt mean I can do everything people want me to, it means Im not adding to Dads work load if I can help it, something my sister could learn from.

My Mum just came down, a rare occurance, making sure Dad has washed my sisters bedding etc for when she gets home. The dogs were excited to see her and were crowding her, she asked me to call them. Thats the only thing she said to me. Not another word, not hello, not how are you nothing. She came back in and was on about the walker my sister is after, I got one for her but it would seem that she is after this particular walker but she doesnt know where it is. If you saw our house you would understand that its nearly impossible for find anything. Mum, again is down from her room, something doesnt happen often and she is trying to find the walker, again Mum wondering around looking for something doesnt happen. Then the lady taking the walker down, took the walker but left the bag, so I had to ring and recite what Mum had said. She wanted me to basically repeat what I was indicating and say it clearly. After everything my sister has said about my Mum, what we have told her what she has said my Mum still runs around after my sister, makes sure everyone else is, that she is the priority for everyone. You would really think if someone said that you were the cause of them trying to commit suicide, that they hate you and they have to leave home because of you that you would take a step back from them, you would I dunno, just be so hurt that you wouldnt want much to do with them, but no she is still the golden child and Mum will do anything and everything for her and what she cant do she will force someone else to do.

Because of the medication Im on for the pain Im having some side affects, one of them is things weigh or seem to weigh more than they do. Ive had to stop wearing my watch, it was just too heavy, it felt like it was weighing my whole arm down. Which kinda sucks as we were using it to track steps for my rehab. I explained what was happening in my meeting with my excersise physio today and she completely got it. I didnt tell her that Im starting to find that wearing a jumper is having the same affect, its worse when I put on my Oodie as well. Its like Im wearing a chain link vest. The amount of medication Im on of the stuff Im on causes this. There is a lot of "small" things it can cause, the way I feel in general probably has something to do with the medication. I mean lack of sleep, pain, stress, frustration all play their role as well.

I spoke to my exercise physio and we went through how Im doing etc. She was interested in what I wanted to achieve. I mean Im in enough pain that I could just sit and wait for the procedure to actually start working. But I wanted to work towards something, have a goal, achive something, I was of the opinion that while I am in pain, Im ok when Im sitting down so there must be something I can do while Im sitting down to help start recovering. Turns out Im right. She is going to have a think and work out a plan for me and we will talk next week. I was hoping for something a bit more immediate but I understand its got to be done right.

While Mum was down she walked into the pantry and saw the pasta maker that she bought for me when I was cooking, along with a few other things, that I didnt ask for. Then she was winging about the smoker they bought me for my birthday that I havent even taken out of the box. Then a go about the coffee stuff, that Ive bought, how the coffee will go out of date and a dig, a pretty decent one about me stopping because Mum took the joy out of doing my coffee gear. The pasta maker etc, I didnt ask for, same with the smoker. She liked the idea of fresh pasta and was taking advantage of me cooking what I wanted too, hoping I would cook stuff she wanted. She does it all the time, it is meant to come across as encouraging but its only when she can get a benefit out of it. I had no desire to do fresh pasta, its a lot of work to get it right. Its the same with the smoker, I would have really researched which one I got if I was going to go down that path. I wouldnt have gotten any old one that was on special from Cheap as Chips or what have you. If wasnt about giving me a smoker anyhow, I was doing my own jerky and she liked it so she would eat some of it. She wanted me to do more, to use the smoker to do them rather than her overn. Yes I would have gotten benefit from it but it was as much for her as for me. I say all this, because when I was making squid jigs she made sure that I couldnt spend too much on that hobby, kinda limited it so that I couldnt do too much or buy much for it because I had to pay them money back to them. At no time did she buy anything for that, she didnt offer to help in any way. But if she can get something out of it, she will push her ideas onto what you are doing, she cant just let you enjoy your hobbie.

Thats kinda like the coffee thing, I got into alternative coffee making, I spent quite a bit of money on the hobby. Mum didnt like coffee after her gastric sleeve but liked this coffee. Next thing she is ordering me to make her coffee quite often. There were a number of fights, it was my hobby, I enjoyed peacefully making them, I enjoyed the mindfullness of the process and I liked the end result. Next I am changing my process, the beans, etc to make a coffee for someone else, for their tastes. The peaceful process of making them was gone, the mindfullness was gone

I seriously cant deal, Im really not doing well. Im really frustrated and incredibly angry, its just my default setting currently. The pain, the continual pain, its incredible. The pain meds are helping but it doesnt stop it completely. Walking is so difficult, so uncomfortable and causes so much pain. When one leg drags it puts extra strain on your back which is screwed, so that just makes it so much worse. Im spasming while Im sitting, my lumbar is pretty consistant, my neck gets into the action on occassion, but generally more severely, throws my head about pretty violently. Its not terribly helpful for the headache. All my muscles are tight, I went to get up a little bit ago and my left leg just spasmed out of control and I couldnt stand up straight. Then it just went rock solid in a bent position, half way standing up. I was stuck there for a bit. It doesnt seem to be improving but getting worse.

The dogs started barking a little while ago, like really going mental. Dad didnt do anything. Typically he doesnt do a thing with them, feeding them is up to me and most the time so is telling them to stop barking. Apparently, even though Im very clearly having a difficult day walking, thats still up to me to get up and tell them to shut up. Its so damn hard and so painful getting up, then the walking, but that doesnt seem to matter, so long as he isnt disturbed. I went out and tried to call them in, they wouldnt come. So, next thing I am trying to make my way out the back yard, which isnt a flat, clean grassed area, its bumpy, rises etc. and I find them. There was a cat or possum or something on the fence, they wouldnt come. I ended up phoning Dad and getting him to come out but what ever it was ran away and the dogs did what they were told. By the time Dad got his arse out they were at the back door and I told Dad to let them inside and shut the doggie door.

I do get, I really do that he has his own issues, both physical and mental but Im not playing, Im not pretending, the doctors arent prescribing me the pain medications they are, they are not playing either, these are really strong pain killers. They are not pain killers that they just prescribe, they need special authorisation for them to prescribe. Not only that, its not a medication the pharmacy typically keeps in stock, they are for me, the step down from what Im on now they had to order in. None of what I am dealing with pain wise is the run of the mill pain, yet my family treats me as if it is. There is no help, like Dad doesnt hear the dogs and come down and help and deal with them for me, he is likely in his office grumping about them barking. He has sore legs, I understand. I can barely move, especially at night. Im not so bad in the morning, which is when I go into get my smokes and drinks. But as the day goes on, it gets more and more intense. By the end of the day, Im I dunno, I am just a pile of twitching pain. He cant even say to me, your clearly in a pretty messed up way, Ill let you smoke inside for now. No, if its too painful, stop smoking. Keep in mind everyone else is allowed to.

I said Im frustrated and angry, all these procedures were meant to mean that I was out of pain, like completely and all thats happened is that my pain has increased, my pain medication has increase and my mental health has taken a massive hit. Im frustrated that Im not getting the results that were expected. Im angry that I am in pain, Im angry with how the pain medications affect me and how much worse my mental health is.

Also Im frustrated and angry, really angry about how my family are treating me in regards to all this. What it has done has highlighted really significantly, how little my family think of me. How little they care for me. More so that its just me that they treat the way they do, my sister is treated far better. My sister is treated like she is the only one that matters, like its my Mum and my sister are the family members who matter, who have any worth. What has really stood out is that I had this feeling, like there was an understanding that it was Dad and I together, we understood whats going on, we had each others backs, we could talk to each other about Mum and my sister. But turns out that Dad is just going to support Mum and my sister is pretty much everything, that he AGREES with them with most stuff when it comes to me, he doesnt have my back and he is pretty clear about that once I boxed him in and the talking about my Mum and sister is for him, for him to get his frustrations of his chest, not me and he certainly isnt going to do anything about any of it. He is as understanding and appreciative of my situation, as my Mum and sister. That was a bit of a rude shock. When I talked to him about how I was feeling, what was going on with me, when I really opened up to him and he said that he didnt know what to do. Which is equivalent to Im not going to do anything. When he said that I lost everything for him. I lost all respect, any desire to have a relationship, everything went out the window. After everything I had said, with all the pain etc. Im in, for him to turn me away and not even try to have a conversation with Mum on my behalf or something, a little bit of me died. You know it just showed to me that he either agreed with my sister and Mum or he didnt care enough to try.

Im angry about the way Im being treated. I mean they arent, for the most part, outright calling me a liar, Dad has told me that they have said Im pathetic. They are clearly unhappy that Im not at work, that Im not doing stuff around the house. They are making if very clear that my mental health and physical health are not bad enough in their books for the treatment Im getting or for their sympathy and understanding. I know that there are discussions around me and my situation and that they are minimising my situation. I mean Mum cant even say hello to me, cant check in and see how Im going, not even just on the surface how are you going let alone how are you really going. My sister asks, but its not genuine, it goes back to Mum and its talked about negatively. My sister will appear to care when it suites her, when she can use it to her benefit. When it doesnt she reverts back to being abusive about it, like she will appear to be all understanding and empathetic and then she will ask me to do something and I will say I cant and next thing thats gone down to Mum who cracks the shits. Im angry that no one in my family gives a shit, that they refuse to acknowledge or even believe that I am in the amount of pain Im in, that Im having nerve issues, that Im spasming like crazy, that Im having issues with sleeping and eating, that its affecting me mentally and Im still dealing with the effects of my sisters situation on my mental health. That if I "step out of line" in any way I have to be told off, if I dont do the things my sister says then my Mum has to be told and an issue errupt, my sister isnt just told to leave me be.

Im really angry that if it were my sister in this situation then she would be treated completely differently. I mean she is now, she is treated as if she is the only one that matters, that she is the only one in pain, only one with mental health issues. She has everyone behind her, regardless of what she says and does Mum is right behind her so that means Dad better be. I should be too, but that doesnt always work out. The treatment of my sister versus the treatment of me is so different. She matters and I dont. She has a voice and I dont. I mean I can talk to Mum but she doesnt listen. She will always go back to my sister and what my sister has far more weight than mine.

Im not really talking to any of them, I mean they talk to me Ill respond, but I wont encourage the conversation. But I dont see the point in engaging them at all. If I do, Im likely to say something that they will use against me, something that they will talk about, manipulate etc. Added to which, whats the point talking to people who dont value what I have to say, who dont value me.

I think its the expectation to continue to think and act like normal. Like, Im going to do the stuff I normally do, Im going to behave how I normally do. I mean I went through some withdrawals and medication changes. I warned them I might not be myself. But still I there were words when I acted out of character. Regardless of the situation I am supposed to act, Im supposed do everything I would normally do, whats expected of me. You know Im having a psychotic break and my parents still expect me to go and deal with my sister and her situation. It didnt even cross their minds to take me to hospital.

They treat my psychotic symptoms like they are nothing, like having hallucinations, derealisation ect. is simple to deal with, that it should stop me from working and doing things around the house. It shouldnt cause me to have any kind of attitude, God forbid I have an attitude at any time and express it.

They have an opinion on everything even when they have no frame of reference to base an opinion on. If you havent had psychotic symptoms, if you havent experienced the terror of it then you dont get to have any kind of opinion about it, none. Again, they all have their own medical issues and have had others in the past, I get that, but none of them have experienced chronic pain like this, they havent experienced years of chronic pain, that fluctuates in severity to be replaced with months of extreme pain, pain that doesnt stop, that affects your entire body, your entire life. My sister has been through some seriously intense pain, so has Mum and Dad, Im not taking that away from them. But this is something different. They dont get to have an opinion on when its all happening at once, tack in some pretty bad depression and healthy dose of anxiety. This isnt something anyone has experienced in my family, not all combined at once. The kind of suffering Im going through, they really cant imagine. Im constantly dealing with my physical and mental issues, trying to minimise pain and control mental health issues, to remain calm, minimise stress and anxiety. If my stress gets too bad, if I get overly anxious thats a great way to cause psychotic symptoms to present, it is a key way to set them off. I have to manage my attitude, the way I present myself at home. I cant talk to anyone even a little bit badly without ramifications. The frustrating thing is 1/2 the time they are the reason for my mental health state, for my attitude and for the way I spoke. The ramifications only go to make my situation worse. If they took a little bit of time to understand my mental health issues they would shield me from overly stressful situations, they would minimise the stress they put on me.

I took my night meds and about 45min later felt pretty ordinary, like my head just wasnt right. So I went to bed, earlier than I have been lately but I was really keen on laying down. I was of course worried about spasms but nothing happened for a while and I thought I wasnt going to have any, but I was wrong, soon after my whole body crumpled from a really decent series of spasms, they continued and I started to think that Id give up if I had another one, I did have another one, another few but I stayed in bed. I really wanted to sleep and eventually despite the spasms I did fall asleep. Here is the really frustrating thing, my alarm, which Im sure I had turned off and was off when I opened the app, went off. I had it set for 11pm so I could have one of my meds to meet testing time frames. So I actually fell asleep and as soon as I did I was woken up, Im so very very ticked off. I didnt have it in me to try and deal with the spasms again so I can fall asleep again. They are really frustrating and really hard to contend with while trying to fall asleep and I have to very much be in the right frame of mind to do it. If Im too frustrated when I start I havent got a hope, the spasms will just make that frustration so much worse and there is no hope of falling asleep.

Given how tired I am, waking up to an alarm I set that I didnt need it really frustrating, its really made me pretty mad. All I want to do is sleep, I managed it and I screwed it up. Now I have to wait until I feel ready to actually try again, which could be in a little while or a long time. Im having something to eat, Im hungry, I had tea so I dont know why Im hungry now. But hopefully a full belly will be comforting. Weirdly, Im rather awake, like Im tired but Im less tired than normal. Once that wears off and Im tired enough Ill try to sleep again

Im sure when I leave the money I owe will come up and they will want to know why Im leaving. My reply wll be that its kinda too bad about the money, I cant stay here any longer, the effect that living with each of them is having on my mental health, my self worth and self esteem is too detrimental for me to continue. I expect they will want more than that, atleast Mum will so I will have prepared an email for each of them with my reasoning for leaving, what they are doing that is making it impossible to live with them any longer. I tossed up between a conversation with them or an email, I even thought about a conversation with dot points. I have a few concerns with a coversations, missing a point or example because I forgot, getting off topic and saying something I didnt intend to or mean and getting into a heated discussion over a point and again saying something I didnt mean or want to say. If I write it down and send it to them they cant manipulate what I said, there is written evidence of exactly what I said. I can be clear in what I am saying and think about how it is worded and ensure my thoughts and feelings are expressed in their entirety so that there is no confusion as to what I mean. There is no opportunity for any discussion on each point, I mean there will be discussion between family members but its less likely that it will be with me. They can take or leave what I have said and I can, hopefully, be left out of it. I doubt me telling them will change anything. I expect Mum at least will deny and dismiss what I say, she will be angry etc. and she wont accept responsibility for any of it. I will be moving out or would have already.

I was finising up my last post, a couple of paragraphs to go and I was overcome with the need to sleep, I kept dosing off, pressing a button and repeating it on screen and making spelling mistakes. Im ready for bed, Im really exhusted now so I am hoping for a decent night sleep.I cant believe that I am falling asleep as I write but as I wake I keep going.

I went to bed at around 1am ish, I got a few hours sleep and then up again. Its about 5am. Im a little drowsy, like Im not falling asleep but my eyes shut for a long time. I need to sit for a while though, the idea of laying down isnt appealing. Most nights when I get up and I stay up for a while its because my back needs to be sitting for a while rather than laying. Im kinda hungry so Ill probably make myself something to eat when Im feeling upto it. I want Mac and Cheese and that takes a little bit of effort for me to make. That sounds really pathetic but I have to stand for a bit more than most meals I eat and the bowl is heavy and awkward to get out of the microwave. Everything I do is planned, like I have to work out if its worth the investment of pain. How much pain Im willing to invest at a time and how much pain Im willng to invest overall. Everything I do costs pain, is something I want to do worth the investment of pain. That does mean essential things like eating sometimes are put off until I can afford to invest the pain, sometimes I go to bed hungry.

Stuff like the above my family dont get. I mean they dont get the pain itself, so I suppose its not suprising. My life is filled with pain, mental health issues, medical issues and appointments, thats what it consists of, there isnt much else. My family dont get any of it they dont believe that things are as bad as I say, they dont appreciate the mental and physical pain Im in. They dont get my life and they dont get me. How can they get me, how can they understand me, how can they know me when the most important aspects of my life at the moment they dismiss or diminish. The really hard thing is that they dont try either, they dont want to know who I am. Even before this there was little difference, none of them know what I do for a job, Ive been doing it for 8 years, worked for the same company for 14 years and they cant tell someone what I do. The gifts I get for birthdays and and Christmas show an approximation for what I like but not an understanding. I dont claim that I get them, I dont know what to buy them anymore, I struggle to keep up with their medical conditions. Im not passing judgement on them based on who they are. Im not saying they are lying without evidence. Ill admit that I dont know them and I dont have a relationship with them. Im no longer expecting them to know me, to have a relationship with them, even if it were attempted, I would not trust them or the relationship. I know I would be sold out in favour of my sister without second thought, that if I said something not liked I would be punished, I know that it would be very one sided and even if it were not, if somehow we had equal footing, it would not last. The time to have relationships with my family members is over, I cant trust them, I cant rely on them. Im dont matter enough for them to give me their time, attention, etc. There are no grounds on which to build a relationship, in fact we are in a hole, to build a relationship we would have so much work to fill in that hole before we could start to build a relationship. It would be easier to build a relationship with a complete stranger.

Im really tired now, Im falling asleep at the table. Im gonna go back to bed, hopefully Ill get a decent amount of sleep. Its like quarter past 6 so if I could sleep to 11 or 12pm Id be pretty happy. It kinda messes up my medication regime. I cant get into a sleeping pattern, I go to bed at weird times, I wake through the night and sleep in. So taking medication, the times change pretty much everyday.

I slept until 9:30, really not enough. Its really cold, but theres no point putting the heater on just yet, Im going to go into town shortly. I feel like shit, I cant explain it, Im tired, like really bone tired. Im worn out. I cant find the energy to do anything, not even my medication. Im even finding writing challenging.

I had to go to the shops for food and shower gel, getting the shower gel means walking all the way down the other end of the shop which sucked. I also needed to go to my pharmacy, the shops is one direction and the pharmacy the other so a fair bit of driving. I told Dad what I was doing so he knew where I was and he decides to add a packet mix and baked beans to the list. For a regular person that wouldnt be an issue, but a) I dont know where they are so its a bit of a hunt and b) it means more walking regardless and Im struggling with that. I didnt argue because its just not worth it, they dont get it. I get that the shops arent exactly around the corner for us and Dad doesnt like going in at all let alone for a couple of things. But it would have been really nice of him to say, give me a list and Ill get it while I get what I need and save me from having to hobble around Coles. But regardless of my situation I am expected to just keep doing my stuff and help with theirs. Im expected to tough it out, on my own, no support. I went to the chemist and got the script I needed. A couple boxes of pain medication I had paid for had come in so I got them as well. They gave me a gentle warning that I have a lot of pain meds and to be careful. They are right I do have heaps of pain medication, to be honest I am a bit concerned about how much I have. Normally they prescribe one box at a time but my GP prescribes 2 given the circumstances, how hard its to get an appointment and how long the pain is expected to last. I mean even if the procedure suddenly works next week, in 6-9months the pain will return and I will need the pain medication again. The issue is that he gave me 2 boxes of the lower dose, which I only used a bit of before changing to 2 boxes of the higher dose. So I have a crap ton of this medication. Im actually considering giving the lower dose to my Dad to put in his safe, we all have safes for our medications.

I got home and sat down, then I went and had my medications, sat down for a bit, then I got up and unpacked the shopping then again I sat down. Dad then says about the washing in the washing machine, I said Id do it in a minute, I needed to sit, I cant just keep going, being upright etc. If I could live my life as I would normally then Id be at work. Anyhow, I said Id do it in a minute. I know, I know he is doing stuff and hes not well etc, but how hard would have it been to say that he will help me out and hang it up for me. I mean in the past, If I had done a load of washing and it had finished and he wanted the washing machine, he would put the clothes in a basket and leave it for me to hang up.

The whole 9 months pain free and then around 3 months of pain concept for my life has had me thinking. I am trapt in this, I have no choice at this point but to do it, atleast I get 9 months without pain. But what do I do when the months of pain come around, how will this affect work, will I need time off? If I am out of pain for 9 months suddenly being in pain will be a shock, it will feel far more intense. I have sorta built up to the pain I am in now, I might not have that opportunity after the 9 months it might just hit me, even if it doesnt it will be a serious adjustment. Working will be difficult, Ill have a plan in place for when it comes back, Im hoping to keep medication on hand so that when it comes back I can go straight onto it, no need to wait for a GP. If I have to have time off, managing that, managing my sick leave so that I have enough to cover me during the 3 month period.

I am going to apply for NDIS once things have settled with my spinal stuff. Like when we know that the procedure has worked. I dont know how it will work with this split need. I should manage life on my own pretty much for 9 months a year but when the pain returns I will need help to clean etc. I would like help with my mental health as well, Im not sure what or how that would look but it would be good to have some assistance in that area. When it comes time to put in an application I will get 3rd party help to do it. Im going to need help when I move out, I need help now, I mean Dad cleans, but thats about the extent of the help I get. When I move out I will need help to clean and manage the house, Im hoping they have support to manage finances.

My sister is coming home today, it would appear her complications have resolved themselves. Im looking forward to her coming home I suppose but at the same time I am pretty aprehensive. It means that Im gonna have to put up with a heap of bullshit again, Im smoking inside at night, when Dad is in bed. Im quite positive he knows, Im not doing anything to hide it. It gets too dangerous at night for me to try and go down the steps and get around the chairs in the middle of the night with stuff all light. Especially when my left leg doesnt work properly at the moment. I am positive that my sister will make sure my Dad knows. She will cause fights etc. In general she will disturb the household and cause more issues and issues that arent needed. I mean there is issues now and she hasnt even left the hospital. Like almost every damn time, Mum wants her to stay, my sister I dont think she wants to leave, the Doctor has said to go. Seriously, if the Doctor says its time to leave, you leave. Its not a hotel where you can extend your stay, the Doctor is in charge of your admission and discharge.

Dad is grumpy, like really grumpy. Its directed at everyone, thought I dont think it would be directed at my sister when she gets home. Though she is likely the main reason for the grumpiness. He is really rough with everything, banging and crashing stuff, he keeps scaring the shit out of me and making me jump, which hurts. I get it, there is heaps going on, there are lots of issues for him, medical, financial and wether he agrees or not, mental health wise. Ive been telling him for months that he need to speak to someone, he doesnt see the point, I keep telling him its to help him process whats going on, to work through it, its to help him. They cant change his circumstances but they can help him with how he percieves and deals with those circumstances. I do get it, he is doing basically everything, all the cleaning, feeding the dogs, etc. My Mum adds to what needs to be done, getting him do to stuff for her instead of her doing it. My sister just sent Dad a list of stuff to buy for when she gets home and she will be asking him, and I, to do stuff for her. She will be treated as the worst off in the house, Mum will make sure everyone knows that. I wont be pushing myself regardless, Im not going to be adding to my pain etc. Im not doing a heap of stuff for myself because its too much, why then am I going to do stuff for my sister. Its not to be mean, its just Im in a pretty bad position before the procedure, Im in a worse position since the procedure, Im still recovering. But at the same time I know that means more is put onto my Dad. Though, he cant even have a conversation with Mum on my behalf about the way Im treated, why would I have his back and help deal with the extra workload making my life harder?

Im pretty keen to go lay down, I didnt sleep well at all last night, Im really tired. My muscles are all really tight still and I feel really lethargic. My sister isnt going to be home until after 5pm. Mum and Dad have gone out, Mum has a doctors appointment for her legs. So I have a few hours where no one is home, which normally I would enjoy the peace and quiet and write, while watching telly without interuption but today its going to be in bed, hopefully I dont start spasming etc. Normally when I laydown or go to bed, I put music on, unless others in bed because they winge about it being too loud. As the pain has got worse, as I am struggling more and more Ive stopped putting music on, Im laying down in silence, which is really out of character, I use the music to settle my mind, to help me calm down. But at the moment, its more irritating than helpful.

I went and laid down, the spasms were intense. I was in less pain before I laid down. My shoulders and lumbar really, hurt now. I was having these spasms where Id have a small spasm and before I had fully recovered I would spasm in the same spot far more intensly, they really hurt. Im really tired of this, I want to rest, I want to just lay down and relax, let my muscles relax, more than wanting to sleep. Im less interested in getting sleep as I am in resting. It feels like my body is that ball of rubber bands but so is my mind. Im so stressed, Im anxious but none of that is showing outwardly, like its all happening inside my head, visually I have all but shut down, emotionally in many ways the same. In so many ways I have just shut down, its too hard to process the emotions etc. I feel like there has been an assult on my mind for a really long time and my mind has had all it can handle and just decided that its not playing any more. Im fairly concerned that Im heading for another break or something, like one morning Im gonna wake up catatonic, just unable to function at all. I feel like I am being pushed beyond what I can mentally handle and no one recognises it. I think if it wasnt for writing that Id probably have reached that point already. I am having some bad SI but its more wishful thinking about ways to escape all this. I still have some hope that the procedure will work and then I can start focusing on my Mental Health and get that in a better place. I need to get my Mental Health in a place that when the pain comes back I am able to manage it from a mental stand point.

I went and had a shower, said to Mum about her leg, its not healing, its been a few months and just not getting better. Had my shower and came out and said that my sister is coming home tonight and she just said yep. There was nothing about me, no questions about how I am. She never asks, she doesnt show any concern or interest in my issue or my recovery. She doesnt talk to me about how I am going mentally, none of them do. Its like they dont realise that there is something wrong. They just seem to ignore it. She checks in with my sister, she asks how she is, they talk. Dad does the same, he asks how she is. He did ask me how I was this morning, which kinda threw me, I didnt expect that at all. My sister has asked You ok twice today, there is something suss happening there, I cant put my finger on that one.

Dad is tidying up, assumably because my sister is coming home. He is grouching the whole way through it, I can hear him moaning and carrying on down the hallway. He is constantly telling the dogs to get out the way, but its this high pitched whiny voice. Its really annoying, just tell them to move properly in a normal voice. Whats bugging me the most is every time he comes into the kitchen area he sighs. I know he needs help, I really do get that but I dont know what he expects of me, its like he wants me to fight through the pain and help clean regardless of how much pain etc Im in, the spasms Im having. Its like he has this opinion that I have just strained a muscle or something and that there is no reason for me not to be helping. Thats being nice, its more likely that he just doesnt care, hes in pain as well and if hes in pain and is still able to clean etc. then I should be able to. Im a male and I should just toughen up and push through. Mum and my sister would definately be of the same opinion, toughen up and push through. They dont want to even consider that the pain might be significant, that it might be more than something you can just toughen up and get over. It is simply that I am pathetic, there is no further need for thought or discussion. None of them will say anything directly, they wont say to my face that they think Im pathetic, lazy, lying etc. Its the same with my mental health, they wont challenge that to my face. Im not sure why, I mean they typically dont hold back but they are, they are just being incredibly passive agressive, they are making sure I know that they dont approve. The focus for all of them, regardless of what my doctors are saying, what I am saying, how I am presenting, anything is that I should be back at work, that I should just be working. I should go to work each day, come home do my chores etc. and then when I have done all that I can pretend Im in pain. In their mind, Mum's especially there really isnt any reason why you cant go to work, shes scared that I will lose my job. Keeping my job is more important than my mental health and being treated for a condition causing severe pain. I need a job, I dont want to go on DSP, but its a job, my health is far more important than that, at least it is to me, to my family apparently it isnt. Its really hurtful, its more than that, but hurtful is what I have, that my family would think that I would pretend to be in more pain than I am, that I was pathetic or that I am simply lying about my conditions. So much so, they ignore what doctors say about my situation, they have made their minds up about me. I seriously dont know why they have this opinion, they have always thought I was pathetic, that I didnt handle pain well. How they determine how much pain Im in and therefore how well I should handle that is something I cant work out. Even if I didnt handle pain well, telling me that I dont and riding me about it wont make me more capable of handling pain.

Taling about my mental illness with them, talking about SI with them and having the same kind of reaction and treatment really sucks. How does someone without psychotic features have any way of making any kind of judgement around how you should handle them when they arise. When they arise people around you should just be there to help and support in any way I need them to. If your seeing portals to the "real" world and are compelled to jump into them, this probably should indicate to them that they should atleast consider taking me to hospital. Dont rely on me to tell you to, Im no longer rational and able to make good judgement calls. But heres the truth, they wanted me to keep going down and dealing with my sister, they didnt want me in hospital as well and Dad having to go from one hospital to another, either that or they really just didnt care. I mean they cant claim they didnt understand, when someone is talking like I was, saying what I was and has a history like mine, you dont have to understand, you get them checked out.

My sister is on her way home now, her tremors have kicked in, she is on her frame and she will be in pain. Im sure the pain will be worse that mine. I am just waiting and wondering what the first insensitive and nasty thing she will say about me will be. Wether Mum will come down and tell me to do something for my sister. Im almost certain that something will be said that just ensures I remember that my sister is really suffering and that I am just playing around. Thats something that happens every now and then, Mum will say something to just make sure I know my place.

Im not a real present person, like Im not huge on gifts etc. but I would really have liked my parents to get me something small today when they were in town, just something to show they had thought of me, cared, I dunno, gave a shit.

Its amazing, my sister has got home and she is telling me what happened while she was in hospital. You know procedures and that, but stories etc. the number of times I have seen my Mum, my Dad and I are down our end together. Nothing was said, no information was passed on to me.

Dads been in a foul mood for Days, but as soon as my sister is home he is talking to her all nicely. Being jovial etc. There was stuff at the end of the table and instead of going past on my sisters side which has a lot of room, he decides to go past on me. Theres not so much room and I need to move in for him to get past. All I go was Get In, in a grump tone. No please, no said politely, just Get In. Now hes making her tea, same thing as I eat, microwave meal. Because thats too hard for her, Im pumped up on pain killers, and I get u ok for tea. Same thing on the day I came home from the procedure, she had hers yesterday. Im walking back inside from having a smoke and he is sitting in my chair. His is free and empty, right next to mine. He can see and hear me come in and walk over but he waits until I am holding onto the bench for support before he even considers moving, eventually he does but hes in no hurry. My sister asked what they were doing for me, I went through it with her and she asked how long the recovery time was. I said 6 weeks and my Dad pipes up and said well thats good you've done 2. I said no Ive done 1, my sister said the same. Dad thought it had been 2 weeks since my procedure, FFS. Ifs also not like a wound healing, I dont think its like it in that it doesnt slowly gets better and the pain reduces. Its nerves, so its either painful or its not. At some point, if this has worked, the pain should just stop. He keeps standing behind me or sitting next to me or hovering around me, so I cant write, I have to wait for him to bugger off so I can. Clearly he is bugging the shit out of me tonight/today, again just equal treatment.

Im really not a happy chappy, I really dont like living with these people, they are rude and insensitive. Im so sick of the pain, the spasms, feeling like crap, being tired. Im sick of being treated as second class, not mattering, like they dont care. Its not so much the way that my sister is treated the way she is, is that Im not treated the same way. If you are going to treat one of your children a particular way, if you are going to treat them as they are special then you need to do the same for your other child. If your not going to you really have to expect a considerable amount of discord within the family. You really should then have the balls to admit what your doing, own up to it, if you genuinly think what your doing is right then it shouldnt be an issue. In this family though, its denied, there is a great deal of evidence supporting that you treat my sister and I very differently, but you deny it, say I am over sensitive etc. It really drives me nuts that my parents cant be honest and admit that they favor my sister and that they really dont think I mean a lot.

Im about to have tea, I have a few hours until I can have my night medications. I feel like laying down again, just to rest more than anything. Im tired but Im not ready to go to sleep. I doubt laying down would do much for me, Im spasming sitting up again so I imagine laying down would be a lot worse. If I could lay down without the spasms, it would be an awesome break for me sometimes. Like not nesseccarily to sleep, just to lay down and relax, maybe listen to some music.

I did go lay down, I couldnt fight it anymore. Im so exhusted. I started to spasm and fought it for a while. Next thing it was a couple hours later and I woke up really disorientated. I didnt understand why I was in bed, I had no idea what time it was, anything. I felt really confused and out of it. I got out of bed and went to the toilet, neither leg wanted to respond properly. They were just like walking on broken sticks. I went back to my room and saw the time, a bit before 10. I was tempted to crawl back into bed and keep sleeping but I remembered about my medication, it was then I remembered my Dad had come in at some point and got my sisters medication. It had been left on my side of the table, I have no idea why she didnt get the next days meds out before it was given to me. I went and had a smoke, got my bearings, I really felt confused for a long time. Ive come inside and sitting down to write. In a minute Ill have my night meds and then soon after Ill go back to bed. I dont anticipate that I will sleep in large blocks tonight, I expect that its going to be a couple hours at a time. Im hoping Im wrong, I just think it will be one of those nights. My legs did go back to "normal" with just the left leg being difficult. The pain seems to be settling somewhat, like if I sit in certain ways or in the same position for too long it gets bad. Walking catches up to me really quickly but in general it doesnt seem to be screaming at me quite so loudly. Im hoping this is a trend that keeps on going but Im not making any noise about it, Im not telling my family that I think the pain might be getting better. The moment I do that they will start to put chores back onto me, like feed the dogs. Dad is really opposed to feeding them so the moment there is a hint that he can give it back to me, he will. Just because the pain might have reduced, even if it has definately reduced, it doesnt mean that Im ready to start doing things, like that will take some time. Not to mention I have said that my sister is to take that on, that I am no longer taking care of her responcibilities. Mum has the two other dogs that Dad decided she could have, over my objections to her having them because she wouldnt look after them. So as far as Im concerned they are just as much his responcibility as they are Mums. Either which way, it will be a while regardless of the pain I am in or not in before I am going to be in a position to actually start doing chores again.

While my sister was in hospital my Dad asked my Mum, yes he had to get permission, to move my sisters stuff so he could light a fire. Great idea, but it really didnt get the heat up, it did for him because he is already warm, but for me Im still wearing 3 layers of clothing and scared to ask if I can put on the split system. My sister asks and its of course if you're cold. Anyhow she is just winging about my Dad moving stuff in the lounge, onto the lounge because she had made room for when she got home to sleep there, because its the warmest place in the house. Seriously, she sleeps at the table half the time, 1/2 her bedroom is in the lounge, now she wants to sleep down here. Im up 1/2 the night, if she sleeps down here and complains then I think I might lose it. But the big thing is, she winged about what my Dad did in the lounge, she has had over 2 years to sort her room and the lounge out, 2 years of this crap. I dont think you get to winge about shit, you dont get to say shit.

I think Im going to have another smoke and go back to bed, Ive just had my night meds. Standing at the safe and being slightly hunched over has aggrivated my back, it really doesnt seem to take much. I had a little bit of sleep but Im still really tired and just want to be curled up in my bed. If I could I would lay resembing a cat all curled up, under a quilt, with my pillow pet.

I was finising up my last post, a couple of paragraphs to go and I was overcome with the need to sleep, I kept dosing off, pressing a button and repeating it on screen and making spelling mistakes. Im ready for bed, Im really exhusted now so I am hoping for a decent night sleep.I cant believe that I am falling asleep as I write but as I wake I keep going.

I went to bed at around 1am ish, I got a few hours sleep and then up again. Its about 5am. Im a little drowsy, like Im not falling asleep but my eyes shut for a long time. I need to sit for a while though, the idea of laying down isnt appealing. Most nights when I get up and I stay up for a while its because my back needs to be sitting for a while rather than laying. Im kinda hungry so Ill probably make myself something to eat when Im feeling upto it. I want Mac and Cheese and that takes a little bit of effort for me to make. That sounds really pathetic but I have to stand for a bit more than most meals I eat and the bowl is heavy and awkward to get out of the microwave. Everything I do is planned, like I have to work out if its worth the investment of pain. How much pain Im willing to invest at a time and how much pain Im willng to invest overall. Everything I do costs pain, is something I want to do worth the investment of pain. That does mean essential things like eating sometimes are put off until I can afford to invest the pain, sometimes I go to bed hungry.

Stuff like the above my family dont get. I mean they dont get the pain itself, so I suppose its not suprising. My life is filled with pain, mental health issues, medical issues and appointments, thats what it consists of, there isnt much else. My family dont get any of it they dont believe that things are as bad as I say, they dont appreciate the mental and physical pain Im in. They dont get my life and they dont get me. How can they get me, how can they understand me, how can they know me when the most important aspects of my life at the moment they dismiss or diminish. The really hard thing is that they dont try either, they dont want to know who I am. Even before this there was little difference, none of them know what I do for a job, Ive been doing it for 8 years, worked for the same company for 14 years and they cant tell someone what I do. The gifts I get for birthdays and and Christmas show an approximation for what I like but not an understanding. I dont claim that I get them, I dont know what to buy them anymore, I struggle to keep up with their medical conditions. Im not passing judgement on them based on who they are. Im not saying they are lying without evidence. Ill admit that I dont know them and I dont have a relationship with them. Im no longer expecting them to know me, to have a relationship with them, even if it were attempted, I would not trust them or the relationship. I know I would be sold out in favour of my sister without second thought, that if I said something not liked I would be punished, I know that it would be very one sided and even if it were not, if somehow we had equal footing, it would not last. The time to have relationships with my family members is over, I cant trust them, I cant rely on them. Im dont matter enough for them to give me their time, attention, etc. There are no grounds on which to build a relationship, in fact we are in a hole, to build a relationship we would have so much work to fill in that hole before we could start to build a relationship. It would be easier to build a relationship with a complete stranger.

Im really tired now, Im falling asleep at the table. Im gonna go back to bed, hopefully Ill get a decent amount of sleep. Its like quarter past 6 so if I could sleep to 11 or 12pm Id be pretty happy. It kinda messes up my medication regime. I cant get into a sleeping pattern, I go to bed at weird times, I wake through the night and sleep in. So taking medication, the times change pretty much everyday.

I slept until 9:30, really not enough. Its really cold, but theres no point putting the heater on just yet, Im going to go into town shortly. I feel like shit, I cant explain it, Im tired, like really bone tired. Im worn out. I cant find the energy to do anything, not even my medication. Im even finding writing challenging.

I had to go to the shops for food and shower gel, getting the shower gel means walking all the way down the other end of the shop which sucked. I also needed to go to my pharmacy, the shops is one direction and the pharmacy the other so a fair bit of driving. I told Dad what I was doing so he knew where I was and he decides to add a packet mix and baked beans to the list. For a regular person that wouldnt be an issue, but a) I dont know where they are so its a bit of a hunt and b) it means more walking regardless and Im struggling with that. I didnt argue because its just not worth it, they dont get it. I get that the shops arent exactly around the corner for us and Dad doesnt like going in at all let alone for a couple of things. But it would have been really nice of him to say, give me a list and Ill get it while I get what I need and save me from having to hobble around Coles. But regardless of my situation I am expected to just keep doing my stuff and help with theirs. Im expected to tough it out, on my own, no support. I went to the chemist and got the script I needed. A couple boxes of pain medication I had paid for had come in so I got them as well. They gave me a gentle warning that I have a lot of pain meds and to be careful. They are right I do have heaps of pain medication, to be honest I am a bit concerned about how much I have. Normally they prescribe one box at a time but my GP prescribes 2 given the circumstances, how hard its to get an appointment and how long the pain is expected to last. I mean even if the procedure suddenly works next week, in 6-9months the pain will return and I will need the pain medication again. The issue is that he gave me 2 boxes of the lower dose, which I only used a bit of before changing to 2 boxes of the higher dose. So I have a crap ton of this medication. Im actually considering giving the lower dose to my Dad to put in his safe, we all have safes for our medications.

I got home and sat down, then I went and had my medications, sat down for a bit, then I got up and unpacked the shopping then again I sat down. Dad then says about the washing in the washing machine, I said Id do it in a minute, I needed to sit, I cant just keep going, being upright etc. If I could live my life as I would normally then Id be at work. Anyhow, I said Id do it in a minute. I know, I know he is doing stuff and hes not well etc, but how hard would have it been to say that he will help me out and hang it up for me. I mean in the past, If I had done a load of washing and it had finished and he wanted the washing machine, he would put the clothes in a basket and leave it for me to hang up.

The whole 9 months pain free and then around 3 months of pain concept for my life has had me thinking. I am trapt in this, I have no choice at this point but to do it, atleast I get 9 months without pain. But what do I do when the months of pain come around, how will this affect work, will I need time off? If I am out of pain for 9 months suddenly being in pain will be a shock, it will feel far more intense. I have sorta built up to the pain I am in now, I might not have that opportunity after the 9 months it might just hit me, even if it doesnt it will be a serious adjustment. Working will be difficult, Ill have a plan in place for when it comes back, Im hoping to keep medication on hand so that when it comes back I can go straight onto it, no need to wait for a GP. If I have to have time off, managing that, managing my sick leave so that I have enough to cover me during the 3 month period.

I am going to apply for NDIS once things have settled with my spinal stuff. Like when we know that the procedure has worked. I dont know how it will work with this split need. I should manage life on my own pretty much for 9 months a year but when the pain returns I will need help to clean etc. I would like help with my mental health as well, Im not sure what or how that would look but it would be good to have some assistance in that area. When it comes time to put in an application I will get 3rd party help to do it. Im going to need help when I move out, I need help now, I mean Dad cleans, but thats about the extent of the help I get. When I move out I will need help to clean and manage the house, Im hoping they have support to manage finances.

My sister is coming home today, it would appear her complications have resolved themselves. Im looking forward to her coming home I suppose but at the same time I am pretty aprehensive. It means that Im gonna have to put up with a heap of bullshit again, Im smoking inside at night, when Dad is in bed. Im quite positive he knows, Im not doing anything to hide it. It gets too dangerous at night for me to try and go down the steps and get around the chairs in the middle of the night with stuff all light. Especially when my left leg doesnt work properly at the moment. I am positive that my sister will make sure my Dad knows. She will cause fights etc. In general she will disturb the household and cause more issues and issues that arent needed. I mean there is issues now and she hasnt even left the hospital. Like almost every damn time, Mum wants her to stay, my sister I dont think she wants to leave, the Doctor has said to go. Seriously, if the Doctor says its time to leave, you leave. Its not a hotel where you can extend your stay, the Doctor is in charge of your admission and discharge.

Dad is grumpy, like really grumpy. Its directed at everyone, thought I dont think it would be directed at my sister when she gets home. Though she is likely the main reason for the grumpiness. He is really rough with everything, banging and crashing stuff, he keeps scaring the shit out of me and making me jump, which hurts. I get it, there is heaps going on, there are lots of issues for him, medical, financial and wether he agrees or not, mental health wise. Ive been telling him for months that he need to speak to someone, he doesnt see the point, I keep telling him its to help him process whats going on, to work through it, its to help him. They cant change his circumstances but they can help him with how he percieves and deals with those circumstances. I do get it, he is doing basically everything, all the cleaning, feeding the dogs, etc. My Mum adds to what needs to be done, getting him do to stuff for her instead of her doing it. My sister just sent Dad a list of stuff to buy for when she gets home and she will be asking him, and I, to do stuff for her. She will be treated as the worst off in the house, Mum will make sure everyone knows that. I wont be pushing myself regardless, Im not going to be adding to my pain etc. Im not doing a heap of stuff for myself because its too much, why then am I going to do stuff for my sister. Its not to be mean, its just Im in a pretty bad position before the procedure, Im in a worse position since the procedure, Im still recovering. But at the same time I know that means more is put onto my Dad. Though, he cant even have a conversation with Mum on my behalf about the way Im treated, why would I have his back and help deal with the extra workload making my life harder?

Im pretty keen to go lay down, I didnt sleep well at all last night, Im really tired. My muscles are all really tight still and I feel really lethargic. My sister isnt going to be home until after 5pm. Mum and Dad have gone out, Mum has a doctors appointment for her legs. So I have a few hours where no one is home, which normally I would enjoy the peace and quiet and write, while watching telly without interuption but today its going to be in bed, hopefully I dont start spasming etc. Normally when I laydown or go to bed, I put music on, unless others in bed because they winge about it being too loud. As the pain has got worse, as I am struggling more and more Ive stopped putting music on, Im laying down in silence, which is really out of character, I use the music to settle my mind, to help me calm down. But at the moment, its more irritating than helpful.

I feel completely violated, my sister just casually admitted that she and one of her support people attempted to find my posts on the SANE forum. My sister is aware that I use the SANE forum to post a kind of journal where I talk about my feelings, I try and work out stuff going on in my mind etc. I dont tell her anything about what I write on here, I dont let her see what Im writing, I dont leave the screen open and unattended or open and people in eyesight of the screen. I protect what I am writing from my family, she knows that. She didnt come to me and ask me to help her get to my posts, she knew I wouldnt help her, instead she went to someone else and told them I was posting a blog. When she told me I was so shocked and hurt that I didnt know how to respond, I didnt say anything. I know if I do she will act innocent, like she had no idea that she was doing anything wrong. Mum will buy into that, Mum will buy into anything she says, as such Dad will follow Mums lead. He wont say what she did was wrong, even if he actually agrees that she did the wrong thing, he wont stand up for me, he wont say anything. So I dont see much point in saying anything. Im incredibly hurt, SANE is my safe space, its a place I can actually open up and say what Im thinking and feeling without anyone judging me, without it going back to my Mum and me being told how wrong I am etc. Its my place and she has tried to break in and ransack the joint. She is currently sitting across from me going on with her life like what she said she did was completely ok, that there was no way that it could be seen as being wrong. The selfishness is staggering.

Ive emailed SANE to see what we can do, if we can change my name to something they will never recognise. Sadly that may affect my connections I have made already. I would like to keep my posts just with a different name, but if they cant do that Ill have to delete everything, delete everything that shows I have ever posted there and start again from scratch with a name that is completely meaningless. At the moment ClockFace is up there as a strong contender. It means absolutly nothing, it has no connection to me in anyway.

Im sitting at the table and she is sitting across from me like normal, she was asking question after question, just nothingness questions, what are you having for tea, she keeps asking questions about what I am watching on my other tablet, what wrong. I got up to have a smoke, what are you doing? If Im going out the back every single time it means Im having a smoke. Shes allowed to smoke inside but I have to smoke outside. Then I come in and I get am I bothering you, really, no asking multiple pointless questions is exactly the sort or thing that gets me all fired up. I cant say anything like that though I have to say no, partily cause I dont want to deal with the fall out of saying yes, but she is the golden child, everything she does and says is right and cant be questioned without an argument.

I didnt really trust or respect my sister, I lost a lot with everything thats happened since the begining of the year, but I really dont have any for her now, like nothing. I care for her, I dont what harm to come to her. But I dont trust her and I dont respect her. What she did was so wrong, it was so underhanded, she was trying to spy on me, to find out information, take part of it, just a few bits and pieces out of context and take it to Mum and cause a fight. There is plenty of stuff I have written taken in context that would cause major issues because its not time for them to know yet. She was trying to I dunno, find out stuff that I had made her well aware was not for her to know. She believes that she is entitled to know, regardless of what I have said, regardless that its private, that I have done all I can to hide it from her, she thinks she is entitled, that it is not up to me to hide it from her, to have "secrets" or commonly known as a personal life, as personal privacy.

The fact that she did this shows a complete disregard for me as a person. I have very little privacy at home, I cant even go into town in the morning as I do every day without someone asking where Im going. It rarely changes. My tablets are on the dining room table, which is where my sister and I sit most the time. I lock everything down. I get the privacy I can, where I can. But SANE is a special place to me, I have made it clear to everyone. Its a safe space, its one of the only places that I feel I can be me, the real me. The people on the site help me with their comments, even though I dont know them, I know them. I feel more supported here than I do at home and now my sister admits that she attacked this place, that she took it upon herself to get help and try and find out what I am posting, find out what it is I have been saying and doing on the site because I wont tell her, how dare I not tell her something. Thats what its about, I am hiding stuff from her and she thinks she has a right to know, she wants to know so she will just do what she wants and what it takes to find out.

I dont want to harp on it, Im really hurt. Knowing I cant really say anything, atleast if I do that it wont mean anything, even if my parents see my side, she would get the lightest tap on the wrist. The focus will be that she wasnt successful so no biggie, not the fact she tried to, that she engaged another person to help, that she went behind my back. I supppose for all I know, she told Mum that she was going to do it and Mum was all for it. It really reiterates that I need to leave and I need to leave soon, I need to get away from this toxicity.

My sister is at the table in the dining room, Dad has just finished cooking tea for him and Mum and about to go off and have his tea. The dogs start licking at the water bowl and my sister says, do the dogs have water? I got up but Dad went over before me. He got them some water. But at no time did she even consider, did it even cross her mind, to get up and fill up the water bowl herself. Again, her dogs, she could do something to look after them. Dad is sick, hes really sore today, well has been for a while. Not long ago he just got through telling her that. I know she has had bum surgery and I dont want to judge, but shes sitting on it, walking, doing everything she normally does, surely doing the dogs water wouldnt be out of the realm of things she could do.

Thats the problem, well a problem, living here everyone has serious health issues, my Mum has pretty major heart issues, she basically lives in her room, though I dont think that this is really neccessary. I think she could do a fair bit more than she does, she should at least try purely because its not the life I would want for anyone to live, especially in their latter years. Im not expecting her to be doing a heap of house work etc, it would be really helpful, but leaving the house, having some friends, anything. Just something more than sitting by herself in a room, complaining whenever she get the chance. Dad has Non-hodgkins Lymphoma, he also has really high blood pressure, like ER high. The high blood pressure is making him really sick, he feels terrible, he is really sore all over. Mum and my sister rely on him heaps regardless of how he feels, he cooks, cleans, etc. At the moment he is doing the dishes and feeding the dogs for me as I cant. I feel bad for Dad because everyone dumps on him, part of the reason I do my stuff for myself. Dad either wont or cant say no, he cant say he is too sick. If he did I am positive the first person he would say no to is me, the first person he is going to push to do stuff, help with Mum and my sister is going to be me.

My sister has a range of issues, shes on DSP. She had surgery a few days ago, hemorrhoids cut out, she seems to be coping with it pretty well, I thought she would be far worse off than she is. Like sitting would be very cautiously done. There was an incident last night and she was taken to ER. I expect she needs some time to recover, how much time she cant say, it depends if there is an infection etc. She isnt driving. I cant honestly tell why, I cant tell why she isnt doing much, she seems so ok, especially considering whats happened. Part of me looks at her and thinks she can do some stuff to help some of me thinks she just had surgery and needs time.

I have a bit of a laundry list of issues. Primarily I am dealing with the aftermath of my latest spinal procedure. Im doing my things myself, I dont want to rely on Dad. Sometimes that means I have no clean clothes because washing them is not an option at the time. I cant really assist beyond this. Im in a hell of a lot of pain, despite the very strong pain medication I am on. Im having spasms, more so when I lay down, when I lay down they are more frequent and far more violent. They make the pain worse. Nausea is really common either through pain and/or the medication I take. The pain medication makes me feel pretty ordinary. Ive got another a bit short of 5 weeks of recovery time, thats if its worked, there isnt a guarentee. I may need to repeat the procedure to get all of the nerves. That is of course that they dont find another issue like they did last time. I have serious mental health issues as well, Im waiting for psychs so I can start dealing with them again.

I dont think its fair that Dad is lumped with everything, however there isnt much at the moment I can do to assist. We need help and as Ive said before my sister could get that through her NDIS but he is being left to it alone. I feel he is mad with me because Im not helping because he has an attitude towards me that he doesnt seem to have towards anyone else. Like he is all shitty around me, he is doing passive aggressive stuff to me, if no one is in the room he is completely different to when my sister is in the room. If he were universally grumpy then fine, but hes not. Its like he expects me to somehow deal with the pain I have, go back to my normal tasks and then some a week out from a spinal procedure where they burnt a series of nerve branches. Its a 6 week recovery time as I said, it might be less, I hope it is. I might need another procedure, I hope not. Its no small thing what Ive had done. Its no back ache that Im dealing with either. As Ive said before, they dont give people the pain killers they have given me for a back ache.

There will be no question, no grumpyness towards my sister about her recovery. She will be free to do as she pleases. Even after she has recovered she wont be expected to do shit.

I got to wait until 11 for meds tonight, which sucks. Fall out from falling asleep and waking up late and having meds late, which has rolled on and on. Eventually I will get my med time back to a reasonable time but its a movement of around an hour per dose. For some reason I got up from having a smoke and my left leg had decided to have really bad issues. It didnt want to do what I wanted it to do, I wouldnt walk right at all and it hurt to walk, a lot. Even sitting there is pain in my left hip/butt. There doesnt seem to be anytime where things are just settled, spasms, random pains, tightness and issues contolling my movement, particularly my left leg. Its really draining, its not just pain, its all this other BS.

Most days I deal with it, today not as much, maybe because Im spasming sitting up, its very frustrating. My Mum and sister are allowed to smoke inside, keep in mind my sister sits across from me. Dad allows them to, however I am not allowed to, I am made to go outside to smoke, regardless of the weather. Dads attitude is if I dont like it, quit. Its really cold tonight, its only 7pm and there is a real icyness in the air. Given my back problems, the spasms in particular, really cold icy weather probably isnt benefiting things, but I am still made to go outside to smoke. The main reason is my Dad finds it hard to breath with all the smoke, he is having difficulty normally but in the smoke filled room, its much harder. So, why is it that my sisters smoke isnt an issue, does he not have an issue with menthol smoke? He is in the lounge, his room or outside most of the time, he doesnt spend that much time in the kitchen with us. It seems like a lame reason for just me to be kicked outside. It would be far more believable if my sister was kicked outside aswell. Honestly it just comes across as him targetting me and making a rule that just affects and inconviniences me. A rule aimed at purposly making my life more difficult. I have been smoking inside after Dad goes to bed, Im not hiding it, it cant affect him if he is asleep, but the steps are dangerous at night, with no one around, if I fall I could be laid out on my own for hours.

You know I think I have some absolute stand out reasons why I am mad at my family, I mean the way they treat me with my spinal and mental health problems, they treatment when I am just generally sick, is BS. Universally they chose not to listen, understand or appreciate what I am dealing with. But more than that. Mum completely prioitises my sister over me, even when its wrong to do so, even when my sister is in the wrong, it doesnt matter the circumstances my sister is put ahead of me pretty much every single time. The relationship between Mum and my sister is more important than anything. The relationship between my Mum and I is non-existant and if I want one its up to me to drive it. It would be a one way relationship, Mum would not meet me half way. Hell I cant even have a conversation with her without her taking a call or answering texts from my sister. One way to know your place.

Dad, he cemented things when I opened up to him, I talked to him and told him what was going on and he essentially said he wasnt going to do anything, to the best of my knowledge he hasnt. He would not even talk to Mum as my Dad and discuss what Im dealing with, what Ive said. I mean he didnt even express any concern. He practically said no, threw his hands up and walked away.

My sister, there are heaps are things, but this trying to find my posts on SANE really take the cake. Even though she wasnt successful, even with the help of one of her support people who she told it was a blog, it still feels like a massive invasion of privacy. Like just the fact that she believes she has the right to go behind my back and try and find what Im posting. Even after me doing all I can to keep it private, not allowing her to know what I was writing, not even the topic. Hiding my screen and locking my device, as I know she has looked to see if she can see it while Im elsewhere, as has Dad.

If she did find where I post and sat down and read what I have been writing here, there is plenty that would cause issues at home, in or out of context. The fact that it is my thoughts and feelings, the shit inside my head that Im working through and a lot of it really isnt solidified, like as you read through my posts things change and grow, my feelings settle and more rational thoughts come out. What Im writing isnt intended for them to hear, if it were I would be telling them. Sometimes Im not ready to tell them what I have written, sometimes I dont think its worth the fight that would come of it, other times Im still working through my thoughts on the topic, Im still trying to work out what I actually think about the matter. In all cases it is completely unfair to read and repeat what I have written. But had she, the fact that she had done something so wrong as to invade my privacy the way she had would be nothing compared to what she had "uncovered". My sister would have been completely justified in her actions because I think like everyone else, I just happened to write it down. Sorry Im feeling a bit stuck on what my sister did. I feel like its no different to her getting copies of my psychiatric appointments to listen to (not that they would be recorded). Ive always respected her right to talk to who ever she wants about what ever she wants without me and without me grilling her for information as to what she said. Id never force my way into her psych appointments, any appointments for that matter, thats basically what she tried to do.

The damn power has gone off for the 3rd or 4th time this month, its getting really tiresome. Its just our town that seems to be affected, I wish they would just fix what ever the problem is. Hopefully the power is back before I want to go to bed, I need my CPAP to sleep. Fortunately, my tablets run on batteries and I have mobile internet, so I can keep watching movies and keep writing. Nothing really changes its just darker when I do it. Though I do wish I had had my tea while we had power, I was looking forward to a hot meal, now Im having cereal.

I keep thinking that maybe I am reading into things, that I am interperting things incorrectly. Maybe my mental health is causing me not to see things as they actually are. But the things above are hard to see any other way, same with the examples Ive listed. They are examples that are quite firm, they are hard to dispute. There are heaps of other examples I could have added but they could be challanged and interpreted in other ways. Im quite positive if I brought my list up with them they would do so anyhow, at least try, but if a third party was involved it would be quite difficult to do so. The examples hurt, all the ways they abuse and attack me do, but the excuses and manipulating what was said and the circumstances around it hurt just as much if not more, its an insult to my intelligence, its lying right to my face, not taking ownership and accountability for what they did and said. If it was said and done and it was in error, poor judgement or whatever at least have the decency to accept responcibility and appologise, if you mean it. But to deny you said what you said or with the intention it was delivered is cowardice.

The stuff with my family has been going on for decades, for years I saw Mum as being just controlling, she is, but thats all I saw. I dont know if I didnt see the rest or if stuff just got worse. I think after an event with my sister, a severly life changing traumatic event, things got worse and it turned to being abusive. Its sort of the same with my sister, I sort of saw or out it down to sibling rivalry type stuff. It was after being hospitalised and everything I did for her that I saw things fresh and realised that she was as abusive if not more so that Mum. They (Mum and my sister) teamed up and worked together, they did the same to my Dad. I kinda saw Dad and I as being in the same boat, we had similar issues, we were accused of similar things and treated very similarly. For a while Dad had started to say and do stuff towards me that were unkind. Like when I told him that Mum and my sister made me feel like I didnt matter. Within a few days, without provication, we wernt arguing or anything, I dont think I had said anything to him, he was sitting in my seat though and he knew I wanted it, he simply said you're worthless, very matter of factly, not jokingly, just a statement of fact. The same happened for I didnt matter not long later. It was then I pricked up my ears but when he made it very clear he wouldnt do anything to help me regardless of my mental situation, how I was being made to feel etc. that was it. Dad has made it clear that I dont matter to him either. I suppose thats why I dont feel bad about leaving, my whole family has made it clear that I dont matter to them, or at the very least that I dont matter nearly as much as my sister. They can have her, if they dont do something about her, if they keep allowing her to do the things she is and treat people as she does, she will be their undoing and I will never have the resources to rescue them. She will also be her own undoing, when Mum and Dad are no longer here, there will be no one to defend her actions and there will be no one to protect her from being an adult. She had done too much for me to have her live with me when they pass before the whole SANE thing but that puts things well over the line. I will have a relationship with her but I will also protect myself from her. Once I move out I will do my best to keep her influence out of my life. The fact that she cant even see that what she did was wrong, just shows me how toxic she is. I do love them, I really do, but to have them in my life in the manner that they are now over the long term just puts my mental health significantly in jepordy. I thought I had a kind of partner, someone I could talk to and count on. Not having that has made things a lot more difficult for me mentally. All the work that I can do with my psychiatrist, psychologist and councillor wont mean much if I continue to live with people who are causing significant issues for me then its probably going to be of limited benefit. I also know they wont change, they never think they are doing anything wrong. With all the things Im told I do wrong, me leaving is probably better for them anyhow.

Its incredibly cold tonight, especially for the time it is. We have a fire going, but the heat its producing isnt really enough. For Dad it is but for me Im still really cold. Dad has to realise that he really feels a lot warmer than the rest of us so if he is comfortable the rest of us are pretty damn cold. Anyhow I am still having to go outside to smoke, I have tshirt, hoodie and Oodie on and I am still cold. My back is hating it, the cold is doing a bit of a number on my mucsles, they are not overly happy as it is. Its causing a raging headache. Im thinking of laying down but I cant afford to fall asleep without my mask on, given theres no power, no CPAP, it would make me feel quite horrible if I slept the night without it. I ended up having a bowl of cereal for tea, Ill have something more substantial when the power returns, but eating has made me feel pretty lousy. Happens a lot, I didnt know if it was pain or pain medication, but Im more certain now that is the medication, because the pain is far more manageable since we went up to the next level in strength. It took a little while for things to build up as they do, but now it has its a bit easier.

I really cant believe how calm I was when my sister was talking about trying to find my posts. I didnt react at all. There was part of me that wanted to lose my mind at her. The other part just didnt see the point. As she is going on like what she did was completely reasonable and not at all out of line I was already emailing SANE to make some changes to my account. Given history there is no point talking to her about what she did. I dont need to tell her what she did was wrong, she knows, she just doesnt care. Talking to Dad about it is a complete waste of time, he has made his stance clear, he isnt doing anything. Talking to Mum is less than useless, she may listen and she may talk to my sister, who will talk her way around everything and my Mum will completely support what my sister says. Thats if things go well. The other way this goes is that Mum says that she knew and supported what my sister was doing. There is a large part of me that thinks this is likely, that Mum was aware and ok with it. Dad and I spoke to Mum and told her some of what my sister had been saying about her. A short time later my sister is snooping into my private life, she is trying to find my posts on SANE. A rather interesting coincidence dont you think. My sister has made a big song and dance about the abuse, she has subsequently ran back to Mum but she told everyone she could and what she told them was really damning. It painted Mum in an exceptionally bad light. Ive written on SANE, Ive emailed a couple places to get some indication as to what I can do and the support I can get. Ive tried to be factual, fair and I have given examples for everyone in my family. I havent laid blame at anyones feet, its a combination of all three of them. I have admitted that I have a role to play as well, if I havent I do now, Im not perfect, I know Im not. Im highlighting things that have happened and how it made me feel. I havent blamed them for any of my activities though. My sister put all the blame for her attempts on my Mum, unequivocally Mums fault. My sister it seems has made up stories that paint Mum in an extremely bad light. I know full well though if my sister had found my posts the hell it would have unleashed would have been huge. My sister was brutal and there hasnt been anything, Ive tried to be fair and I would have heard about it for years. There would have been a massive fight, what I had written would be taken the worst possible way and not as written. This is exactly what my sister was looking for.

Its 1am and Im really starting to stuggle to stay awake. The battery is draining on my tablet and Im really keen on a hot meal and going to bed. I really hope the power comes on soon.

Something thats really playing on my mind tonight, it has in the past as well, but its having a field day today is am I right, am I being fair. Is what I say is going on at home, does it constitute as abussive behaviour or am I out of line. Can it be explained harmlessly, like its just sibling rivelry, just difficult family dynamics. I do see certain thing being done as being completely out of line, I have a list but the top ones are above somewhere. The trying to find my posts is massively out of line, so very wrong. There is a number of things that Ive listed, but its not a complete list, its more or less the most reliable issues. One thing or even 2 things dont really count as abuse unless they are happening regularly or something. but a list of issues about each person in the family, I think thats fair evidence of abuse, but I am stuk on thee idea that I might be over playing it and its not as bad I say. Am I being over sensitive, its certainly what Mum would say or is that just another form of abuse. The idea that at 43 my Mum and sister are using manipulative methods, using my money, what I owe them, my health, stuff they dont believe I suffer from as methods to contol me, keep me from leaving or making decisions about my life, it hard to swollow. Just having a go at me for making those decisions, not consulting Mum or my sister, not talking with my Dad, just going ahead and doing what I decide is right for me. Mum hates that I do that, that I consider a decision, on my own, without the families input, reach a decision and act.

Seriously, I just lost everything I had written all day. For some reason my app reverted back to yesterdays data and I cant retrieve what I spent the whole day writing. Some of it was really good too IMHO.

Last night was not a good night, The power came back on at 1 am. I had something to eat for tea and finished up what I was doing and turned off the tablet screens to go to bed. That was 2am. The next thing I remember is my sister waking me at 4am because I was asleep at the table. Something she often does and drives everyone nuts. For some reason I then spent the next 3 hours fighting about actually going to bed. I would doze off wake up, have a smoke and repeat. I smoked heaps. Being that I have sleep apnea being asleep without my machine isnt good for me, its not restful. Then sleeping in a chair is really not good for my back, its been so much worse today. I went to bed at 7 and the power flicked at 11 which caused my maachine to freak out and wake me up. So I really didnt get a decent sleep, really get any sleep of consequence.

I think because I slept on a chair and I was really tired, I had a lot of trouble with my left leg today, it was dragging behind me again for the most part of the day. Its been better of late, but I have to concentrate a fair bit to walk more normally and I think today being so tired, I just couldnt concentrate on actually moving my leg correctly.

I really didnt do a hell of a lot today except fight the urge to go to bed. At one point I did go to bed to have a nap, I hoped that I was tired enough that I would fall asleep regardless of the spasms. Most nights thats how it goes, I stay up until I can barely stay awake and then I go to bed, the idea being that I am so tired that I can weather the spasms enough that I fall asleep regardless. It didnt work, I got into bed, got hammered by spasms. I didnt last long and I was up and out of bed and back down the kitchen typing.

I did go into town and got my iced coffee, Monster and smokes. My sister wanted smokes, but just as I was about to go she added that she wanted a Macca's Coke. When she asked if I was going into town I said that I was but just the servo. The servo is on the outskirts of town, its great, I can get pretty much everything I want there and the prices are competitive. It means I dont have to go into town, which I try hard to avoid especially after 10/11am, there are too many cars for me, I get pretty anxious, but just at the moment with the little sleep Ive had, the pain Im in etc. dealing with lots of cars isnt a smart move. So when she asked for the Coke I said no, which became an issue. When I came back she was all grumpy and then she decided that she could drive, she wanted to try at least because she might have an appointment tomorrow now. She came back with Coke. I am suprised that this didnt become a big deal with Mum and Dad when they returned.

For some reason and Im not completely upset by it, my Dad has taken over looking after my sisters medication. However, not a word has been said about it, like at no time did Dad say that he is taking over her medications. No, it looks too much for you, not even you cant do it right, just nothing. One night I went to bed really early to lay down, not expecting to stay long, but I fell asleep. I woke up at one point to my Dad coming in with a torch to get my sisters medication and promptly fell back asleep. I havent been given the medication since then, its been going back to Dad. My assumption is that my sister cracked the shits that I wasnt up to give her, her medication so Dad had to do it. I mean it was one time and Im still recovering from a procedure on my spine, it might not have been cutting me open but it was pretty serious. That all said, I am rather happy not to have to deal with my sister and her medication, it sounds simple, give her, her meds for the day in advance. But she makes it as difficult and infuriating as she can.

A lot of things have been weighing on my mind of late. As you guys would know I have serious amount of things going on. The procedure on my spine still doesnt seem to have worked, its coming up to 2 weeks of the 6 week recovery time. Im concerned what happens from here if the procedure doesnt work, like after 6 weeks there is absolutly no change. What happens then, are we doing it again, higher up my back like before? Do we repeat the procedure assuming the nerve burning was unsuccessful? This is the second burning, different spots, will he just decide that, that is it and there is nothing more he is willing to do. If so am I stuck on these really strong pain meds for life, is there a more permanant pain med I can go on? Can I even stay on the pain meds long term or will they make me come off them, if so how do I deal with my pain without pain meds on a daily basis?

On the flip side say all the sudden it works, I wake up one morning and theres no pain, no spasms. Im lucky and I get 9 months pain free. Then it comes back. I get in quick for my procedure, only a month wait, then I have another 6 weeks recovery. So 2.5 months of this pain again, back on high dose pain meds, struggle to work, struggle to function. I get to do this every year for the rest of my life, on the provision that when my Pain Specialist retires I can find someone to pick up where he stops. If not, then what? Maybe one day in 5 or 10 years they come up with a permanant solution. But for now I have this 9 months on 2.5 months off cycle. Ill never know when the pain will come back, it could be 9 months, it could be 6 months. I also dont know when the pain will stop it could be a couple days after the procedure or it could be the full 6 weeks. How does that impact work? Like, will I be able to work through the down time? Can I work from home to make it easier? How does life look in general? can I get NDIS to assist me during the down times? How can I be involved in team activities like I wanted to do bowls, how do I do that? How do I join a team sport when I might have to stop 1/2 way through because my pains returned? What sort of activities can I do where it doesnt matter if I have to stop all the sudden? How does that go for body conditioning, I do rehab now get back on top of things, start at the gym and then the pain comes back and I cant do squat for nearly 3 months? Is there a way for me to maintain some conditioning during that 3 months so when the pain leaves I can start back at the gym? How do I maintain weight during that 3 months? I aim to lose weight when I lose pain, but then pain comes back, am I just going to regain it again?

Either way life isnt going to be simple going forward and thats just on my pain, one issue Im facing. Bladder Cancer is pretty simple to deal with by comparison, I have a procedure to check for tumors which ties up a day. Then, if they find anything another to remove it, tying up another day. The only complication to that is if they decide at one point to start BCG treatment or something.

My psychotic symptoms are on my mind a lot at the moment, they come and go as they please. There is no warning, theres no indication that somethings going to start. I will just be doing what ever and Ill start hallucinating for whatever reason. I mean tactile I will need to atleast be in bed but who knows if it will start this time that I get into bed. Then there is derealisation and whatever this abduction thing is. Again, no idication that its going to start, it just starts. Generally speaking its been going on for a while before I realise that somethings not right and even then I cant put my finger on it for a longer period of time. Once Ive worked out whats going on, now that I know what it is I can tell, its like mentally I can process that its not real and I have to just wait it out. Its the same with the hallucinations, once I realise Im hallucinating its more so a matter of waiting it out. But the initial stages and even sometimes once you know it can be really scary. For me my hallucinations often come with delusions, they are more often than not associated with hell, demons and the devil. So, I suppose its the delusion that is the terrifying bit more than the hallucination.

Not knowing when they are going to start makes it really hard because you dont know if you will be at work, out in public etc. The last thing I want to happen is for me to be at work, involved in a meeting where I am contributing or I am on the phone talking to a customer and start hallucinating. Fortunately its not happened to me, but I worry about it alot. Not just hallucinations, what happens if all the sudden the world starts to fall away or I realise that its fake and I need to escape to the real world. It hasnt happened before but what if when I see the world as fake, I decide that what I did didnt matter and didnt have consequences, I could go off and do anything. Thats something that has really worried me ever since the world became fake and I needed to escape to the real world. I told my parents who did nothing about it, they didnt bundle me off to hospital and they really should have. Had things turned differently and I went the no consequence route, it could have turned out really bad for me. Part of the reason I was to move back home was to have their support, they should have looked out for me at that point but they didnt. Their focus was wholly and soley on my sister and they had no room for me again.

There are so many medical things that make me feel like I have so little control over my life. I dont know when pain is going to come back, if the treatment is going to work even. I dont know when I will be affected by psychotic symptoms or in what manner, even how intensily. I try and plan what I can plan for, I can have some control over the bladder cancer and GP/specialist appointments, but the way things affect me, how they impact me, I have no control over and life just has to flow with it. That is made more frustrating when my family do what they do, make it as difficult for me as they can.

The other thing, taking a darker turn, that has had my attention a lot more than normal is suicidal ideation. If this is going to be an issue for you skip this paragraph please. Im going to be pretty honest and this is a combination of my thoughts over a long period of time, not tonight. I will confirm that I am safe, I have no intentions currently to do anything. I have access to the support numbers, they are on the fridge so easily accessable.

Generally speaking SI is often more fantasy for me, its like some sort of fantasy escape thinking. A way for me to deal with things I suppose. Serious SI is equally as common though and Ive been dealing with both for as long as I can remember. I dont suppose either is that unusual in the mental health community. Ive had serious thoughts even when I was young, I didnt exactly attempt but there was an incident when I was a teenager that I did behind closed doors that my family denies ever happened. Pain has been a significant driver of my SI, even more so since the pain has increased with the first procedure. The fantasy SI has gone completely and serious thought is all thats happening. I dont want to be in the postion my sister has found herself in, I dont want there to be an attempt, if I was to ever do it, it I would have to be certain that I would be successful. This is something that has prevented me doing anything in the past. I learnt some information about one of my medications recently that would ensure success. Again I am safe. No need to be concerned. It does play on my mind a bit though. My home situation is another key instigator, being made to feel like I dont matter, that Im worthless and not wanted is hard to deal with, it really plays with my depression and makes it kick into overdrive. Added to that, being called pathetic and not being believed about my pain and mental health severity. Especially when I dont question or judge their claims of pain or mental health issues and just act according to how they tell me it is. I mean the effort I put in with my sister over nearly 6months because of what she was saying and doing and it turns out that if Mum is to be believed that my sister was telling complete lies, she was just making stuff up. Even after Mum finding out, Mum is on her side, helping her with more claimed pain etc. and still Im pathetic and lying about how bad things are. I still cant get support after multiple procedures and being put on really strong pain medication. It all adds up, it stimulates my depression and the idea of suicide becomes very appealing. I mean if I cant get the backing of my family, what hope do I have. That said Ive never really had the backing of my family, for some reason my family have long held the opinion that I am pathetic, that I have a low pain tolerance, that if I say Im sick, in pain etc. that Im not to be believed, Im not really as bad as I say and I need to be made to continue with what ever, work, school, etc.

There are a few things keeping me going at the moment, I have some hope about my pain, Ive got 4 more weeks of recovery time so I dont know I might come good. What I do after that Im not sure how Ill cope, if this doesnt work then I hope I have really good supports in place.

Moving out is another thing, if I can manage to leave home. If I can make it work. Its going to be hard financially I know but its got to be done

Im getting different supports soon and I am really hopeful that they can turn things around for me

I have some hope, but being honest its dwindling. I told my parents that I was struggling with this significantly, I didnt mince words, they were very clear I wasnt good. I got basically nothing from them, they didnt care about what I said. When it was my sister it was all hands on deck and I spent a week trying to get her help. I couldnt get more than OK out of them, they couldnt even talk to me about it and they havent since. Seriously, of all the examples there are that they really dont care about me at all, this is the most definitive. I tell them that I want to end my life, I have a plan and the means and they say OK, you cant consider that to be anything than a very strong notification that they just dont give a shit at all.

The number of negative potential outcomes from my procedure, even the negatives of if it does actually work. The difficulties Im having with my mental health are also areas that make me consider an alternative. Like what does my life look like going forward, how do I make this work, how do I deal with my family when I go from no pain to pain, if Im living at home or not. How do I deal with this for the rest of my life, can I deal with it for the rest of my life. I dont think I am like the person thats the worst off in the world, like I know there are people dealing with worse things than me. Its also not that Im dealing with 1 thing, I have a few serious issues that Im dealing with. The potential long term outlook for my life, as I see it right now, isnt fantastic, it isnt promising, but I have some hope, while I have hope Ill keep fighting.

I had another very average night. I was really tired but not tired enough that I thought I would over come the spasms if I went to bed. Eventually it hit me and I was tired enough but I was now too tired and I was falling asleep at the table again, dozing off and on again. I messed around like this for a couple hours again before actually going to bed. I dont know whats with this all the sudden. I mean I get that I am tired but Im not happy about how often its happening now.

My sister just asked if I was was going into town, I said not right now. I might later, but for now Im probably going back to bed, a very good call. She wasnt happy about the answer. Right now Im not safe to drive, at all, and going to sleep is far mor more important. The dozing off and on agin thing has started again, I havent had much sleep. So back to bed shortly Ill go. Im really thirsty which is the main reason I havent gone back to bed already.

Im really hoping that when I go back to bed that the spasms dont win out over how tired I am, which is a real possability. Im hoping I just go back to sleep for a couple hours before I have to be up for my appointments today. Ive got one late morning and another midafternoon, so there isnt much room for a nap. The appointment this afternoon is with SANE guided services and Im hoping that they have read what I emailed in. Id really like their opinion as to if it constitutes as abuse. Also their thoughts on how to deal with it until I can escape. One thing I really need at the moment is to feel like I matter to someone, not on a generic level but on an I know you well, I know the person you are and you matter because of that, you have worth. Because I really dont feel that, I feel like an inconvienence, someone my family has tolerate, that Im only worth putting in minimal effort to deal with because they feel obligated to. Like it would be wrong of them to cut me off, but if they could do so without feeling guilty then they would. All their effort and support need and should be directed to my sister, she is the one who deserves it, she is the one they want to invest in. Its like they invested in me, didnt see the return they wanted but thought they would leave the minimum investment in there just in case things picked up. On the other hand they have bitcoin and they are riding every up and down to see where it goes. At the moment the way I feel, the way my family is making me feel, like because Im saying I am in such severe pain and that Im not going to do things, Im not working etc. I am of not benefit to them, therefore minimal effort is made to support me, it is really pushing the SI. Whats the point if my family cant see worth beyond what I can do for them and when I cant do for them its this neglect. Im left to deal with myself, its made clear thats the expectation. Simply asking how I am, really meaning it, talking to me about how I feel, listening and it being about me, not turned around to be about you and your sore back or some other non-compareable story, or how everyone else has it bad, just look at your sister. Having my feelings, my pain and frustrations validated, really validated, not the lip service I get until I discuss it with your father or sister and we decide you're full of shit.

I went back to bed for a bit, my alarm went off early but I slept through it and my sister came and woke me up, thats really unusual for me, more and more it shows just how exhusted I am, though my family just refuse to recognise it. I came down, there wasnt much point in me trying to sleep for 45 min. My sister was putting her bag together to go out and I asked where she was going and she kinda snapped back that she needed smokes, in a way that indicated I should have gone in for her earlier. I said that I would be going in, in a minute and could get them, but she continued. What she didnt do is say that she was going to go in and that she could get what I was going in for. She is grumpy that I didnt go in when I woke up half way through my sleep and was falling asleep at the table because she wanted something, but now she is going in she cant offer to save me a trip, to help me. Essentially to do the same thing for me that I keep doing for her. That said, having thought about it, I need smokes is probably her having a dig at me for not going earlier, what is really happening is that she is going to do some shopping, she was looking shit up online overnight and then have her appointment. We wont see or hear from her for atleast several hours, which is why she didnt offer to help me. Its also why I didnt ask, not that I knew the reason, but she would have come up with reason after reason why she couldnt do it.

I did go in and get the stuff I wanted from the servo, Im not sure what Im doing for tea. Im out of ready meals, but the servo was as much as I could do today. I didnt have it in me to go all the way into town and then wander coles for food. At the time, even now, Id rather go to bed hungry than do that. I cant explain the exhustion I feel. Ive been dealing with ever worsening sleep for a really long time, its sorta come to a head in past few days, my sleep has been, essentially I havent. Ive had a few hours but nothing much. Dealing with pain and spasms, along with all the stress and anxiety of living here, just existing, sleep just doesnt come and if it does its rarely solid and restoritive.

I was wrong, she has come home, she could have got my stuff, she could have helped me out. She knew I wanted stuff and was going in. She also knew that I wasnt sleeping and that my pain and spasms were'nt very good. Ive helped her a number of times picking stuff up for her, Ive gone into get her damn Cokes, even though I was in heaps of pain. She could have helped me out just the once.

There is so many things I want to do. I just tidied my side of the table, a 2 min job, It hurt but the whole exhusted thing, just like Im in negative energy reserves. Id like to clean the car, at least the front seats. Id like to clean, at least tidy my room. I do want to get back to helping around the house, atleast the dishes. I want to get my shit together regarding food etc. but there is so many things in my way, pain and exhustion are right up there.

It might be mean but I am so sick of hearing about my sisters medication, so its coming back to me by the looks of things. Whatever. But now she is on about what Dad has left out with her, she told him last night what to take, I was sitting here. He has no idea what the drugs are or what they are used for. Either do I most the time. The number of times I have had grief over not taking meds or forgetting them. Im not perfect, Im not actually a nurse with a chart either. OTC meds that she can buy herself when she wants I no longer care about because she can just go buy them and do as she wants, I will never know. Not taking them and putting them in the safe doesnt change that.

The continual questions, meaningless questions are really starting to get to me. Whats Dad doing? We have been sitting together for the last hour, I have the same information as you, how the ____ would I know. Even if I had gotten up for some reason, the likelyhood I would know is really slim and what does it matter. The same goes for, Is Mum awake? I never know the answer to this question, never. I dont track my parents movements, I dont care what they are doing, unless they are crying out for help. What are we watching? I hardly ever know the answer to this, I forget the moment I select it. I generally have TV going for the distraction, not the content so I dont care whats on. It also doesnt matter what its called, it doesnt affect how worthwhile watching the show is. Knowing the name of a show does not improve the show itself. Then there is all the questions about the show and whats going on. Shut up, seriously, Im barely paying attention to the show, Im typing. I glance at it every now and then, I might sit back and watch it a bit but Im not really following the show, again its their for distration, for the noise. For some reason, music doesnt work the same. Maybe its the moving pictures in my peripherial vision, I dont know, but its just on, it helps. Being interupted and forced to engage doesnt, it stops me writing, stops my train of thought, its really annoying. Pointless conversation, worthless questions, speaking for the sake of hearing your own voice really irritates me. I mean I type, I kinda get the irony. Im kinda talking and there isnt much point, but it does serve a purpose of getting things off my chest, it avoids me blowing up and saying things I didnt mean or shouldnt say, things that are hurtful without justification. So I think its different.

My sister has decided to do some stuff with her plants again, now there is soil all over the kitchen counters again. Not to mention all the crap of hers that is around the place, all over the counters. Her side of the table is a trash heap, I try to keep my side tidy so Dad has somewhere to sit other than my seat, it would be good of her to do the same. The lounge looks like it has gotten worse, like there is more of her crap around the place. She had a shower and came down to the lounge to get her gown etc. Im not sure if her clothes were in there as well, but they have been. Its like her second bedroom. It doesnt appear that she really has any intentions of cleaning it, off even tidying it so that it is usable by the rest of the family. Its incredibly frustrating because we (Dad and I) are expected to keep the kitchen etc. clean but so much of the mess is hers and if we move anything of hers she cracks the shits, but on the other hand she tells Mum how much of a mess we keep the kitchen/house. There is no real way to win, Dad just cleans the kitchen regardless of her shit now. Though I think she needs to be brought into line.

Dad seems to be in a mood again today, he seemed alright when he woke up but now not so much. He has finally decided to put new seals on the windows and new silicone on the gaps. It tends to be really cold even with the heater going for hours, so its worth ensuring they arent the issue. I dont know if its true but I do get the feeling that he is grumpy that Im not up doing something, anything. I get this feeling because of past experience, he doesnt think that pretty much anything should slow you down, let alone stop you. The fact that my back has always slowed me down and now its brought me to a complete stand still I think Dad has a real issue with. Its the same with mental illness, thats in my head so it really shouldnt cause an issue in moving ahead with life.

Im having some significaant psychiatric symptoms on and off, its like Im being pulled away, like Im no longer completely attached to my body. My thought process really slows down, I dont feel like I really exist, not on this plane anyhow, it was kinda like I was movin on to another plane, not dying exactly but similar, if what was happening kept happening then the person known here would cease to exist, but I had a destict feeling that I wasnt dying but just moving to another place.

My finances are a real and ever presant issue. Im on SCI so my income is quite a bit less than it normally is. Medical costs are a lot higher than they were, like way higher, I have to come up with $600 tomorrow for a scan, I get a lot of it back but I have to have that money. Im really stressed and Im up a lot more so Im smoking more, much more than I want to. I really need to stop, but its hard at the best of times, given whats happening its about impossible but I have too or Im not going to make my income last the month. Dad has basically told me that he can no longer help, all the bills from my sister that he didnt know about essentially drained the money he had put aside until he started getting his retirement income. Even when he starts getting that he will be on a fixed low income. So, the only support I was getting from him, which was financial is now gone. It costs a lot to have a medical condition, when you have multiple it costs even more. My medical costs really add up and they will for life, something I dont think my family is recognising that all this has a life long affect on me, physically, mentally and finacially. I wont move up at work, like I am not going to be promoted into a better paying role and I dont know that it would be a good idea anyhow, not anytime soon. The amount of responcibility that I have in general especially at work has to be managable. I cant be in a position where my medical and mental conditions could be an issue, esspecially if I need time off due to them. So the likelyhood of a promotion and therefore the payrise I need to help with my greater than typical costs is very unlikely. My only hope is that I can get onto NDIS and that they will assist with the costs of my medical and mental needs. Problem is, getting onto the NDIS is hard and its going to be a while before I can even apply again as I need so much to be done first, reports etc.

I just had my appointment with the Exercise Physiologist, she has put together 6 exercises for me to do morning and night, all sitting down. Ill aim at starting them tomorrow, hopefully I get some sleep tonight and have some energy tomorrow to do them. Im hoping that getting some movement happening it will reduce my spasms. We had a bit of a chat to begin with, explained what has been going on with my sleep. Talked about going into get drinks and smokes, that its not comfortable but I try and do my stuff myself. That I was supposed to get food today but didnt have it in me. Dad was around the place, or in the lounge for much of what I was saying. I didnt say anything different to what I would have if he wasnt around. Im hoping he heard some of it, especially the parts about looking after my own affairs. Its not always easy to do that, its not always without pain to do so but I dont want to put more burden on him, it would be good for him to realise that, if he does already for him to be reminded of it. She is good, she is really understanding and appreciates that there is more to things than my back, that my mental illness does play a role.

Sadly, while some may think so, my mental health doesnt improve over time. It isnt like being cut in that it heals over time and thats it. Mental health might improve for a while, it might even be stable for a long period of time but like that it can spontaniously become incredibly worse, deteriate quickly, fluctuate. From my experience, new symptoms can randomly. Symptoms can manifest spontaniously and without any recognisable indication as to why. Mental health issues are unique kind of pain, the symptoms rarely can be translated into a physical comparison to help explain how you feel to people unfamiliar to the experiences or even to a mental health professional. Trying to explain what I am going through to my family is incredibly hard, its made harder still as they dont seem like they actually want to hear it, they dont believe it, they dont get whats so hard about it. Medication is great, if you can get on to the right one and the right dose, but it rarely is an 100% solution. It helps minimise symptoms and experiences behind them, but not all and/or not completely. The medication your on could also be wrong for you, it might not actually work for you much or at all. Medication, in general, is a useful tool but its only part of what is needed to manage mental health issues, for most people I would assume anyhow, definately for me atleast.

Ive been going through a number of medication changes lately and I am not really on much in way of treating my mental health conditions. Im hoping that when I see the psychiatrist in a few days that she will add some medication(s) aimed at managing my psychotic symptoms and something that might assist in managing my depression. Both are causing me quite a bit of distress and I cant say they have gotten worse since the medication changes, they have but there are many other reasons that may have caused them to worsen and I dont see them improving in the near future. Medication has never had a significant impact on me, its helped but the improvement has been slight, enough that things are more managable but not enough that I feel like I have any control or authority over my life. If I could find a medication that really helped, that allowed me to feel like there was actually hope with me mental health conditions, I would be extatic. I know there is things like mindfulness and other techniques to help and where I can I use them or aspects of them that work for me, but I never feel like mentally I have a say in what goes on in my head. I have no management of psychotic symptoms, they just happen with little to no indication when they will happen, how long they will happen for or how it is best to deal with them. Mood swings, depression, anxiety blah blah blah, none of it has any pattern, shit happens when shit hapens. It is really hard not having absolutly no control over your own mind. Its really frustrating to be so powerless in your own life over your own mind. Regardless, I try to remain very calm, very in control and unaffected. I think it makes me come across as emotionless, withdrawn and mean. But its the only way I can keep my mental health in control, to avoid outbursts and major mood swings. Withdrawing emotionally from my family protects me from the pain they inflict and stops them seeing that they are having an effect on me. It also helps keep mood swings hidden and the effect of the psychotic symptoms. As does being withdrawn, it doesnt mean that Im not having them, I have them a lot and most the time I want to explode. Like nuclear bomb explode, I dont allow people to see it, it would not be accepted, particularly at home for me to show what was going on under my skin. It would not be proper, I would be punished and harrassed until I got myself under control, hence hiding it. My family has the understanding that being on mental health medication is sufficient, that it means I am treated and should be able to manage my issues. Honestly for the most part my family have no problem with my health issues, they just dont want to hear about them or for them to interfer in what they want to do or want me to do. Basically have your issues just dont let the effect you at all, like you have no symptoms. This is especially true when it comes to work. My sister on the other hand can and should make everyone very aware of her symptoms and issues and we should all be very mindful of them and do everything we can to help her and her her manage them. If I sound bitter its because I am on that point in particular. Mum would rarely go a day without checking in on my sister, making sure shes ok, making sure shes being looked after. Even if I see Mum she rarely asks, she wouldnt really know whats going on, how Im feeling, what Im dealing with on any level, but she generally knows the ins and outs of my sisters. It shows that she has the capacity to care, it shows that she has made a choice not to care when it comes to me. I would expect that I would be blamed that I dont open up when asked in the past, maybe I didnt. I dont really feel that I have an ability too open up. I dont feel anyone actually wants me too and that they dont really care when I have. I mean when I have opened up I have been told how wrong I am, that how I was feeling wasnt fair, wasnt right or I was simply just shut down. I mean look at opening up to Dad, he essentially said he wouldnt do anything. Opened up to Mum about wanting to end my life, with some detail and all I got was OK. If in such big things I get those response how would I feel I could open up about anything. The other thing that happens if I open up or I am just speaking my mind, what I say is used against me at a later date or it is relayed up to Mum where I enevitably get in shit and corrected for thinking and feeling the way I do. Opening up is ok if your feelings match Mum's/sisters, it they agree with them. If they dont, if they are negative about either of them or too positive about Dad, then you should be corrected. Told how wrong you are, why you are wrong, and corrected.

I just had my councilling session with SANE. We talked about my suicidal ideation. Its really hard to discuss, like when you start talking about that you seem like a real nut case. Like it just proves your not right in the head, if you were'nt you wouldnt think that suicide was actually a good plan. I mean, there is a few things I am waiting to see how they pan out, but if they dont pan out well suicide does seem to me to be the only plan. There are potential outcomes in my life that I cant see that I will be able to cope with, that I will be ok living like. I struggle with my current situation, but there is hope that it will get better, there are things happening and have happened that may have a significantly positive impact on my life and change it dramatically. Even with some of these changes, I dont know that I can deal with the negative aspects of them. So I continually think about taking my life, just putting an end to all the pain, all the anguish and all the suffering I experience and will continue to experience. I have worked things out as Ive said in the past, I went though with the councillor in a bit more detail what that looks like than I have here. I havent here because I dont think that mods would like it but also I dont think its benefitial in context to my discussion, especially given the increased potential that I would trigger someone who chose to read the suicidal ideation parts. The councillor said that I have obviously put serious thought into it, I got the feeling that the detail of my plan was concerning. As I said to her I have no intention to act. Im holding onto hope that there are a few things that may work out for the best and my life might dramatically change.

Im going to have a smoke and then go lay down. Im hoping that given how tired I am, it will be enough that the spasms wont keep me awake and I can fall asleep for a few hours. Its only 5pm so Ill have something to eat and my night meds when I wake up, if I fall asleep that is. I would really appreciate a few hours sleep at the moment.

FFS Im exhusted, I really thought Id be able to fall asleep but no, spasms, really intense spasms. I had one that threw my head around really violently, my neck is really sore and that goes down inbetween my shoulders and now I have a thumping headache. Sometimes my leg mucsles contract with great force or my body will do the same, I will crumple, sorta be forced into a ball. My back really really hurts, like a hell of a lot more than it did before. I dont really understand why my doctors/specialist are so reluctant to do anything about them. Im gonna really hurt myself soon, like the violence in the spasms is like MMA. Its not like a twitch or a contraction you might get in pregancy, its intense and sudden. Its like I have been kicked across the face full speed. There is no control over my head, which is just thrown from one direction to another. My lower back contracts so much that my body leaps off the bed or legs kick. Inbetween shoulders throw the upper body into the air. I have no control over my body when I lay down, it does as it wills and when it does it causes pain, pain that builds up and componds upon itself.

Its really painful, I mean you're starting with an incredibly painful back then add this assult on your body, by your body, it just hurts so much, sometimes when its really violent the pain is briefly unimaginable, fortunately it doesnt last long, but the after affect lingers for quite a while. Its dumb but I lay back down to recover only to repeat what happened. You keep laying down in hopes that you will fall asleep regardless of the spasms, that you will get a long enough period between them that you will drift off. When I actually go to bed, I am almost falling asleep, like I am dozing off at the table. But I have also had my night meds, there are a couple of meds that are sedating, one in particular that I have increased the dose temporarily. Im not putting myself in any danger etc increasing the dose, I have taken the dose Ive moved up to before for long periods and I have been on much higher doses. So, its not an issue temporarily increasing the dose. My hope is that it will help me fall asleep, regardless of the spasms and with some luck, keep me asleep longer than I would get without it. What I really need is a medication that will put me to sleep and keep me asleep.

I dont think my family realise or appreciate how severe the spasms are when I lay down. If they have taken any notice at all, I spasm sitting down, I often sit across from my sister and if she were paying any attention she would have seen me do so by now. But the ones when Im sitting and walking are much more calmer than those when laying down. So if they have seen the ones sitting etc. and are basing things off that then they wouldnt think its that bad. But if they listened to me and believed what I was saying then they would understand the frustration and pain I have as a result of it.

When I came in from my appointment, its over the phone so I had it outside as its the only place I have any real privacy. I can hear the door open if someone comes out, see anyone coming in. If I went to my room, people can hear me through the door and Im quite sure they would stand and listen to as much as they could. I dont trust my family much, especially my sister, she would have no hesitation sitting outside my door and listening to my whole session, leaving only when it was clear we were coming to a close. She is just that kind of person, she has no moral arguments about invading mine or Dads privacy if it might serve her purpose. She has an opinion that she has a right to know what we talk about in all meetings, including councilling etc. that we dont have any right to enjoy any privacy. She has no problem just walking into my room when Im not home to look around, see what she can see even though my door is shut. My door is shut all the time, yet she knows how messy it is and the contents of the room. Its the same with Dad, he has a desk in his room and she has no problem with going through it when he isnt home.

Anyhow, I came inside and Dad was in his room but my sister wasnt around, neither were the dogs, so my assumption is that she is down talking to my Mum. Turns out she is on the lounge laying down for some reason. Anyhow, I thought she was down with Mum. Which shouldnt be an issue, like I dont care if she goes down and speaks to Mum. I dont care if she speaks to Mum for an hour or 3 hours, once a day or 20 times. But every single time she does my anxiety sky rockets, what story is she telling Mum, what am I going to be in trouble for, what is Dad going to be in trouble about. How is the day/night going to go pear shaped because of whatever is now being discussed, whatever my sister is complaining about now. From my point of view and from how my Mum speaks a lot of the conversations they have or atleast a good portion of the conversation relates to my sister complaining about Dad and I, like just about everything we do or dont do. We can never live up to my sisters expectations, in part because they are incredibly high but also because they are ever changing. What was acceptable today wont be tomorrow. I typically dont care what she says, what she complains about anymore. Im never going to be good enough for her. Im never going to do enough for her. So why bother trying at all and why bother caring about the outcome. Its pretty much the same position I have with my Mum. What causes my anxiety to rise is the fight, its not even that, Ill explain. There will quite often be a directive come down from Mum to Dad to me to stop being such an arsehole. Depending on the topic, Ill say something back or I wont. If its pathetic and isnt really going to have an ongoing influence on me then Ill explain to Dad that I just dont care. If it hits closer to home Ill kick up a stink about it. Thing is it wont matter, my sister will be right, Ill explain that Im doing what Im doing and to get over it. This fight causes anxiety and is a reason for the anxiety to initially jump up. The real issue is where Mum or Dad reinforce that I am worthless, that my sister matters more than me, that I dont matter at all etc. That really gets my anxiety going. I dont like confrontation, there is quite a bit in this house, quite a bit between my parents and me often on behalf of my sister. I get realy anxious when there is confrontation, when I have to stand up for myself, even if that is just me saying too bad Im not changing. If I think Im out of line then thats a different matter, I wont let pride get in the way, if I have done something wrong, unkind and I havent realised before its pointed out then I will act accordingly. Something that doesnt often happen with the others, they will have some kind of justification for being incredibly unkind and cruel. For the most part however, the reason I get in trouble is usually really lame or purely selfserving on my sisters behalf. If I think that what I am in trouble for, bearing in mind im 43, isnt reasonable I will tell my parents where they can stick it. I try to do it nicely, Im not always successful.

I think that might be the worst thing, its not that my family make me feel like I dont matter, its that they make me feel like my sister matters more than me. If I was paid for every time I was asked to do something or allow something for my sister, eventhough my Mum knew it was wrong, that it would hurt me to save upsetting my sister, just let it slide because its easier, id not have a problem paying my medical bills. Both Mum and Dad try to get me to make way for my sister because its easier for them to make me do it than to tell my sister no. Which is wrong, to pick on me because Im the "weaker" target, to continually put me down simply because its easier, to treat me like my what I need needs to make room for my sisters desires time and time again. To do these things because its easier than dealing with my sister is such a cop out. Its also their fault, my sister is rarely told no, my sister is rarely told to wait, she is rarely told she is wrong or out of line and thats been the way of it for a long, long time. So now its pretty well impossible to tell her these things, to reign her in. So instead they come at me. Im not putting up with it much anymore, Im telling them no, its too bad. I have told them both up front that this is going to happen. I have been really clear about it. I dont much care if they are going to have difficulty with my sister, if they have to make the changes themselves, whatever. My stance now is quite simple, if my parents will not stand up for me, if they wont look out for me and give me equal priority within the household, not just with my sister, then I will. I will simply just say no and thats it. I wont argue on every point its not worth it but anything of concequence that I dont see as just or fair they will find that I simply dont engage and I carry on as I see fit.

As I said I tried to go to bed but the spasms got me, I got frustrated and I got out of bed. I lasted maybe 20min. Not an uncommon experience, I mean I had hoped that I was tired enough to sleep but that obviously didnt happen. If I try to have a nap almost always I will tell Dad if he is inside that is and he is equally aware that I have gotten up, it was unsuccessful and that it was due to spasming. He is also aware that I am very frustrated by this. Given that I am trying to nap, its safe to assume, even if you havent been keeping up that Im not sleeping, that I am tired. Dad can also safely assume that given I am up before him and Im going to bed after him, Im not getting much sleep. So its reasonable to assume that Dad has a good indication that I am really tired, he knows Im in pain, he knows Im having spasms and that they make me really frustrated. So why would you come in and see me sitting at my tablet and make the comment what are you doing there, dont you know thats not your bed. and so on. I mean, why would you make fun of the fact that I am having spasms, severe enough to be causing injury and more pain, that prevents me from falling asleep. Im not keeping track of how many hours sleep Ive been getting, its pretty well impossible, the number of times I wake up during the night, the stop start is really difficult to track. I know Im not getting much generally speaking, the past 2 nights I have gotten very little, which when combined with not much sleep for months means it really hits you. The stop start sleeping is not very revitalising or refreshing, even if you get 8 hours of stop start sleeping, it doesnt take into account multiple times trying to fall asleep. It also doesnt take into account that the sleep cycle may not complete a number of times. Also the cycle is supposed to be repeated so its not actually a good sleep. To poke fun about not being able to sleep is cruel, it insensitive but its just cruel. How hard would it be for him to show some compasion, that he gave a shit. I really wonder at what point these people will consider my situation severe enough to show compasion and kindness.

I really dont feel terribly well, my head is still pounding. Like always my back etc really hurt, Im having a lot of spasms given Im sitting up which is really irritating. My neck is I dunno, its unpleasent, it keeps having spasms which is making the pain there remain/get worse. My legs ache a lot, sitting, standing, it doesnt matter what they ache. I dont know what this is about but I am kinda thinking its the muscles contracting so tightly. I also wonder if they are relaxing fully. I feel quite sick, like a really upset stomach. I dont know if this is me being sick or overly hungry. Im going to have something to eat shortly and see how I go. I know Im feeling quite sensitive, like it would only take small things to set me off tonight. Im pretty depressed, this does seem to fluctuate a bit, but the range is limited. It is that I am really depressed to depressed, the fluctuations arent going to the point of feeling actually good or even ok. I am almost continually frustrated, frustrated at the pain, the limitations imposed, the spasms, especially when trying to sleep, being so very tired. At the same time I have so little energy to actually express any of it. I cant remember having so little energy and still be up and functioning, to be this exhusted. I know I have experienced things like this before but to this extreme Im not sure.

I know there are plenty of people that have it far worse than me, like incredibly worse. I also know there are people who have it worse that deal with it better. My Dad is a bit of a fan of saying these kinds of things, reminding us, well me I doubt he'd say it to my sister, how good we have it. I know that I am lucky in many ways, I have good doctors, I have what I need, I have a roof over my head and a warm bed. Many people end up in similar situations as I am and have no income at all, where my employer organised income protection for its employees. So I do know in many ways that I am fortunate. That doesnt make my medical situations any more tolerable, it doesnt stop the pain etc. Dad says this stuff and it just negates what Im going through. It just diminishes my experience. Just because another person has been though an experience with a smile doesnt mean they always smiled. Just because Im not smiling now doesnt mean I wont later. Everyones journey is different, their experiences are different, the support around them is different, you cant compare one journey to another because there are so many variables. You cant put another persons experience up as a poster for how others should be in their experience. Added to which, there are so few people who deal with extreme medical situations exceptionally well, most struggle, most find it incredibly hard.

I went to bed and I actually fell asleep, Im not sure what time that was, I think it was around 11pm. I woke up at around 5am. I feel really odd, just very unsure of myself, like am I doing what I think I am doing. I have to be up in a couple hours, I am wondering if its worthwhile trying to go back to sleep.

Last night I made a post and I was talking about the experience in relation to medical conditions. One thing I said was about negative feelings. When we are faced with chronic medical conditions like mental health and medical issues, even when they are acute, we often experience negative and distressing feelings arise as a result of these experiences. Some people seem to be of the opinion that we should not have these feelings, concepts like others have it worse, are often expressed. It is really only just diminishing the experience of another. It prevents or atleast hinders the person from experiencing the negative feelings associated with their experience. While it is dangerous too get overwhelmed by the negative feelings, to be consumed by them I do think they are an important to experience. If negative feelings were not important then what would be the purpose of their existance? We need to work through different aspects of our experiences. We need to deal with upsetting and troubling thoughts and feelings associated with our conditions. Being sad and depressed about the restrictions we now have, how we no longer perceive ourselves as "normal" or how radically our life has changed, isnt a bad thing, its a natural thing. Its an important thing for us to do, to process these things and more without being sucked into a blackhole of distress and that is the challenge.