Malens Babble

I had an alright sleep, not as good as the night before, but woke up at 4:30am not really inclined to go back to sleep. I think Id like to but not really on the sleepy side, though I feel like I need more sleep. My back is pretty average today, which might be whats drawing me back to bed. I was pretty comfortable in it and Im not now.

I had that appointment with the rehab coordinator yesterday, in the appointment she said that she got home from our initial appointment and told her husband that if she complains about her life to just say the word Ben. This is from the woman that has migranes that last for like a week. I never know how to feel when people say things like that. I get my medical life is complicated, there is a lot of it, a lot that Im facing and more than is common. But being put to a standard measure of pain or illness etc that others are judged by I dunno. She said that she has clients with an 1/8th of what I have that cant make or follow a plan and I have several that Im completely across. Again the measure thing. Everyone experiences these things differently, my situation and their situation may seem worlds apart but to each person it feels like the world is crashing in on them. I mean when she is having a migrane, thinking about how bad I have it isnt going to make her migrane go away, its not going to help her carry on with life regardless.

I never know how to react when people say how complicated and painful my life is and how they compare it to their own life or lifes of others. I want my situation to be acknowledged of course, I want people to appreciate what Im going through but not held up as the worst or even one of the worst situations and used to compare lives. I dont think its fair, its not a competition to see who's got the worst life, it doesnt make me feel any better, probably worse, more isolated, more like there is little that can be done because its so unusual.

My sister's situation is also really complex, she has and has had a lot of issues, which still affect her today so occassionly she gets similar comments. Her GP recently told her that she was the most complex patient she had. Probably very true. My sister told me when she got home and sort of wore it like a badge of honour, like it was some kind of achievement. I dont know, but she probably didnt mean it to come across that way but its certainly how it came across.

I try and view my situation in compartments, breaking it down into chuncks that are more easily managed. While I can see the whole picture, its hard. When I have to write something that requires all my diagnosis it takes time to remember them all because well there's a lot but I dont really see them altogether. I dont see them all as existing in me at the one time, its more I have bladder cancer, then I have my back issues, then I have my psychiatric conditions and then I have everything else, the minor stuff, of course I cant forget my home life. It all intertwines at different points but keeping it seperated as much as possible helps me manage it, mentally and medically. I try to keep appointments seperated into different issues, I have a GP who is my primary for prescribing my pain medication, I have a pain specialist who deals with, obviously the pain and procedures. My normal GP deals primarily with my mental health, she will deal with the bladder cancer and the minor stuff when/if it comes up. Bladder cancer is mainly dealt with by my Urologist. Minor stuff realistically deals with itself, maybe a prescription here and there but nothing serious. Having it like this with little overlap helps compartmentalise things. My two GP's are in the same clinic so they can see each others session information, I did kind of fall into having it set up that way because there was trouble with PBS in the prescribing of pain medication and getting into my normal GP was really difficult, not something I could do regularly, but this guy I could. I should mention that in the future my psychiatric needs will be taken care of by a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I do have a current councillor as well, but Im not sure they meet the criteria of a medical professional.

After a few hours awake my back was getting pretty bad so I went back to bed for a lay down, I think they are gonna be more common again because the pain continues to worsen. I fell asleep, not suprising really, I go to lay down with no intention to sleep and bam Im out. Ive woken in much more pain, my neck and shoulders are killing me. Im kinda unsure what to do with myself to be honest, it doesnt seem to matter if Im sitting of laying the pain is great. Not unbearable, Ive been in worse pain, but still its not pleasant.

Dad and I were just talking about LGBT etc and the roles of men and women etc. He has been trying to get his head around the LGBT concept for a lack of a better word. He doesnt understand it and he seems like he really wants to. He is very much Christian and this is how the house should be run according to God etc. I was suprise that he was listening to both sides of the argument related to LGBT. Personally, I think people should be left to do themselves and be free to do that. I mean all people, not just LGBT. I dont think violence or discrimination of any kind is acceptable in any situation, completely and in general, I appreciate that there will be but I dont think its right.

Dad is also very much of the opinion that the man is he head of the house and that the mans role is to work and provide for the family. Though in this family, he might have worked etc but he certainly not the head of the house. Mum makes the rules and does no permit Dad to act as head of the house unless he is doing what she has said. I dont know if my view is too skewed but it does appear to me that it is common for women to dominate men in a relationship. Women tell men what to do, how to act, how to dress and even to a degree how to think.

Im not really a believer of men are in charge, I dont know that one person should dictate to others in a family setting how to live etc. I think that it should be a mutual thing, I think that each person has strength and weaknesses and that in a marriage or any relationship those should be exploited but realistically. Finance is always a touchy area, if they are joint especially. If I were in a committed relationship and our incomes/expenditures were joint and she was far better with money than me, I would ask or allow her to organise our finances, however I would still be involved in them, I wouldnt just let her take over my side of the money without any involvement. Im not saying that I would tell her where shes wrong, correct her etc. tell her how to do it etc, I realise that I may not be the best person for the role but I would want to understand whats happening and why we were doing or spending on things. This gives me an appreciation of what is happening, the decisions being made etc. Id expect that there would be ongoing discussions, if money was spent outside of the plan that we would both be accountable to each other. But it would be her thing or my thing if roles were reversed. I/her would have other roles that would need to be attended too and it should be done similar.

Decisions should be made together, where a decision cant be made the person with the greatest experience would be referred to and/or we would seek outside advise. A man should not be the default decision maker, the final judge because he has a willy. He may not be the best person to make that decision for a range of reasons, but the same goes for the partner. Even if you agree that a man should be the head of the house, a smart man will lean on his partner to make decisions that they are best positioned to make. At work we might go to our team leader for a decision but sometimes they lean on your decison, or another team member for a decision because they have greater knowledge or skill in that area that the team leader and the team leader appreciates or acknowledges that they dont know everything and relies on their staff for the right decision. They still consider the outcome and determine if it sounds right, but the decision lies with another, they are just ticking the box because they are a good leader.

What I see we have is women trying to change men into what they want, not what they got when they started dating etc. The number of times I have heard ladies at work talking about teaching their partner or words to that affect. Basically, training them to be the person they want them to be, not neccessarily the guy they got. A lot of work to do etc. If a man said the same thing then all hell would break loose, sexism, etc the lot. If you meet someone you fall in love, sure in all people there are things you may not like. You can talk about them, stop what can be, learn to live with what cant but to subjegate another person, man, women, LGBT be the person you desire them to be, to be dominated and controlled in a relationship, I suppose even not in a relationship, is wrong and abusive. In a relationship you grow together, you grow closer, not into a domineering relationship, thats not love.

My smoking isnt going so well today, Im still committed to giving up but today isnt a good day for a number of reasons and Im falling back into old habits. I have been buying 20's instead of 40's and generally sticking to a 20 pack instead of a 40 pack, today I am on my last from the 20 pack already and its only 2:30pm. So long as I keep it a one off it shouldnt be so bad. I had to go in for the second pack and Dad had to drop stuff off to Service SA, so I offered to do it. If I had to wait I knew there were seats so I was organised. Went to get the form from Mum and she tried to get me to go in and scan/submit etc her NDIS paperwork at MissionSA because she only has one month left to submit etc. Well I know nothing about the place, never been there, I immediately assume Ill be standing and potentially for a while. Doing that as well as Service SA would be too much. It wasnt much of an argument at the time, but I am expecting my sister to have a go about it later.

When I was in with Mum she was explaining how she was really sore in her hip or something so she had taken some pain relief and was laying back down until the pain relief started working. I was having spasms and she was talking about having them and pointed at me and said yeah like that. Now the spasms I was having werent bad, annoying, but mainly because I was standing and had been for a while, because she was talking at me. All I could think of while she was going on about this is how she didnt get the irony. I am awaiting a procedure, Im on a great deal more pain relief than you and its still not nearly enough, my spasms at night lift half my body off the bed and you still expect me to do the things I normally would do the next day, you have an issue if I have a nap during the day, you have an issue that I sleep too much. Seriously, your situation and mine are worlds apart and you are asking me for understanding and sympathy for your stubbed toe when I have a broken leg. Offended much

I got a call from my sister, her doctor had prescribed some mid-range pain medication, only a few for a week. Apparently her doctor is worried about prescribing too much to her for her pain because I look after her medication and her doctor knows that I struggle with SI. Her doctor also knows that I have access to much stronger, much much stronger, pain medication than what my sister is getting or has gotten. If I wanted to follow though with the SI, my medication (if it were my method) is more than enough so I think there is more going on regarding why my sister isnt getting access to strong pain relief. Added to this my sister isnt having a shit fit at me for stopping her getting the pain relief or world be getting Dad to look after it so she could.

Anyhow she rang to tell me that she had got this script, filled it and taken 1 because I look after her medication. I really dont care, I mean the amount she is getting would, maybe, get her high. Besides that I look after her medications, the bulk of it, so she doesnt have access to enough to do any damage, another reason I think the whole story above is BS, because her doctor knows I look after it all and if she was concerned she would look for another way other than me looking after all my meds and all my sisters. When she gets home what she has will be added to what I have and then Ill look after it, but ringing me and telling me, what the hell am I going to do, what purpose does it serve other than to interupt me or something.

Dad and I have talked a few times today, he isnt happy but at the same time he doesnt care about much anymore. He doesnt trust anyone and I dont blame him, I dont either, including him. He and the others have given me plenty of reason not to trust anyone.

I was watching FB live and it was a cop show, at one point they had a woman laying down in the back of a cop car, restrained, leg restraints and a spit mask. A cop was holding her upper arms and another holding her legs. She was thrashing about screaming. Its like how I feel inside, but I dont know or feel able to express it like that. I cant put voice or action to the depth of my frustration, my anguish, my anger. I cant visually express how trapt I feel, how dispised and unlovable I feel, particulary by my family. I feel like I am somewhat tolerated but not completely, Im not accepted how I am, I am berrated and hounded into changing and submission, so thats not exactly tolerated. I cant, Im not permitted to express these things in anyway that my family could be upset or offended by. They dont want to know how I feel or how they make me feel, they just want me to keep out their way and be available to do the things they want me to. Most importantly dont hinder your sister in anyway, she is free to do and act how she pleases and you must support her in these things.

It doesnt always work out, sometimes I do blow a fuse and I act out and I always pay the concequenses of that. The family rally together to show how out of line I am and that nothing I have said is valid etc. then quickly we go back to the paragraph above. If that doesnt happen, Im shouted or hounded down, I can honestly say that I cant remember a time where I have taken verbal issue with my Mum or sister where what was said validated and change followed. Id like to think that it has happened at least a few times, but my sister has my Mums back and vice versa, they team up and then command Dad to follow suit, then again, whole family vs me.

So, I dont, I dont show much in the way of outward expression of how I am feeling in general, but particularly about how my family is making me feel. Its just not wise, the wrong look, the wrong sigh it can release hell. Everything is internal, I scream and thrash internally trapt in a shell of a man.

I do say more now days, probably over the past few years, I stopped caring so much about the fight, I now have Dad on my case more because he has Mum on his case so I try and tone it down for his sake. I got out the shower and Mum told me about this thing going on about my sisters old house. She needs some paperwork best I can understand for Centrelink to remove the property off her profile so she can get onto the waiting list for a Housing SA place. She needs to call the people who sold the place for her and she asked Dad to do it for her, Dad must have said no or something because then it was how its the end of the week and how tired my sister is and I must have made a face because Mum said what? I couldnt help myself I said that we are all tired, Mum goes "but" and stopped and said never mind. I know coming out her mouth next was how much worse my sister has it over Dad and I, how she had so many appointments, how, how, excuse, excuse. Fact is, if you're tired dont stay up all night. If you cant sleep take the medication that your doctor has prescribed at the time they stated and go to bed. If you do all that every night and you're still not sleeping then see your doctor but at that point I will empathise with you, if you cant do the things you're told, if you cant even try going to sleep, I, I dunno, you're kinda on your own. I take everything Im told to, I do the things Im told to and Im still up 1/2 the damn night and no one gives a shit about that.

It was your house, you know how to make phone calls, your fine going shopping every five seconds, make the damn phone call yourself and look after your responsibilities. If you're too tired today, thats fine, its Friday nothing is gonna happen over the weekend, do it Monday. Hell, if you move out you're on your own, you will have to do this stuff yourself. There is a lot that Dad or I do for you that you will have to do for yourself. Im not coming around to call Housing SA because of blah blah blah. You will have to and Im tired isnt going to cut it when it comes to an inspection or doing your tax. Man she cant even feed, let alone train, her dogs. As I said today to Dad, one of the dogs is supposed to become an assistance dog, as far as I know feeding them is one of the ways of making a good bond with the dog, I would be frustrated but understand if she was to feed that dog herself. Id be frustrated if she decided to just feed that dog alone but it would make a little sense.

She needs another iron infusion, I get that her diet might not stop them being needed but she lives on junk food, she went to a dietician who gave her a plan and she is in front of me eating chips and if Im correct there is a bag of fast food on the sink. Remember that she had bought a bunch of stuff for her lunches etc to go in. Maybe, just maybe, if you ate decently you wouldnt be so unwell, your bloods wouldnt be so bad. I dont eat enough, generally speaking, I eat pretty well, my worst thing is the iced coffee, I am hounded for my weight and my diet, every time I do have a bag of burger rings, if Mum sees it you bet there will be a comment. I had my iced coffee in my hand the other day when Mum was down and got, what are you doing with that shit. If I said the same to her or my sister about their take out it would be an issue.

My sister has developed ticks recently, she saw her GP who said they were due to stress. She has barely been noticable until say yesterday, tonight wow her damn head was about to come off. Then she goes, now do you notice them? (She had asked if I noticed them last night) I replied do you notice mine. I have been having wicked spasms for weeks, they are painful, they stop me sleeping etc. Not a word about mine has been said by anyone, but Im supposed to awww poor you because my sister has a tick. I feel bad for her, I do but why am I going to be all over her when she cant even check in on my spasms, even when they are really bad.

This is the thing, its not that I dont care, cause I do its that they dont care (Mum and sister) and its worse than that, they rub their issues in your face as if they are so much worse and like this is what real pain, real anxiety etc looks like. Mum telling me all about her hip stuff, my sister looking for acknowledgement for her ticks all the while for months Ive been suffering and doing it without acknowledgment, without anyone willingly helping and just being there for me, understanding and appreciating how hard it is to deal with, especially doing the things I am. So its not that I dont care, I dont feel that my caring is reciprocated or has been given initially, the opposite in fact. This tick thing is going to be a big deal, its going to be played on, I can tell, it will be the new major thing for woe is my sister.

The tick is from stress, I dont know the whole story Im sure but really, she has so much support, she say and do as pleases at home, no real responcibilities, she just leaves her dogs to the others and us without a second thought, I dont care on this, they do what they want to, she has no chores, she has stuff all bills, most her paper work type stuff is done by Dad. I dont really get it. She has decided that she wants to be on speaking terms etc with Mum again, spending a fair bit of time with her all the sudden, you know the person who is the basis of all her desires for self harm and suicide attempts. Mum was too much, didnt let go, didnt back down, too demanding etc etc. Now we are coming to the point where the Family Therapy involves Mum and they will be letting her know what is going on she is best friends with her again. I cant work out what shes playing at, if she flip flops during family therapy, Dad and I will be in the shit, but we will likely never have her back again. She will be stuck with Mum and likely on her own. Then she will be in trouble. Something isnt sitting right, I have a strong feeling that despite all my help and support while she was in hospital, all the time I spent down with her helping her, all the pain I put myself through for months and the arguments I had with Dad to continue doing it, she is going to try and dump me in the shit as best she can and somehow it is going to be turned around that the person/people causing her so much grief is Dad and/or I. If that happens, I will definately throw my hands up on her, that will be the last straw and quite possibly the end of our relationship altogether. I mean, she either doesnt realise or doesnt care, but its well on its way to being a possability now. The way she treats me, the way she treats Dad, running off back to Mum, rubbing it in our faces, using Mum to coerce Dad and I to do as my sister says. Im pretty much at the end of what Im willing to deal with, what Im willing to allow. Ive realised that Mum isnt the only person who is abusive and Ive pretty much cut her off already. I have pretty little to do with my Mum, Im civil but thats about it and my sister is pretty close to the same.

Dad has been researching narcasism, he has pointed out aspects of Mum that show she is one, I find it interesting that alot of what he is saying my sister does but he wont put her in the same basket. Its like he wont admit it to himself let alone me.

I dont care what lable is put on them, it doesnt really phase me, if it makes Dad feel better and more justified in leaving then thats fine but Im sick of being treated the way I am. Treated like a second class child. Im over all of it. Im over Mum going to Dad so he comes to me and has a go. Ive given him notice on that too. Listen if there is a ligitamant issue then Ill take it, if Im not whatever I will listen and adjust but if its to berate me for something others do, to follow the commands and desires of Mum or my sister because they dont want to do it or just for the shits and giggles, you know if its for bullshit then count me out.

Ive been fighting a really bad headache most of the day, OTC hasnt worked. It got really bad and I decided to go lay down within minutes of laying down I realised that it was trying to be a migrane. Ive had migranes on and off most my life and they with all this back stuff of late they have been more common but different. Usually, they just come on intensily and quickly, cant handle light or sound, agonising, like phenominally painful and thats from a guy with a back like mine. Ive tried a range of medications but did find one that works and I stick to it. I usually keep it on hand but its like $5 a pill and only 4 in a box so its a hard one to keep in stock, especially when a single migrane might take 2 or 3 over its span to beat it. These newer version sorta start off as a massive headache which turns into a migrane, like the headache triggers it. I get a bit of light sensitivity but not nearly as much and noise annoys me more than causes pain. When I realised that it was turning into a migrane I jumped into the car and went into town to get some of the medication, of course it takes forever and desite my situation they wouldnt put me to the front of the queue or anything. I finally got it and took one as soon as I got to the car. By the time I got home the migrane was basically gone, Im still in a bit of pain but more like a headache than a migrane.

While I was there I got some OTC medication for my back. Im getting a lot of muscular pain, alot of spasms and the stuff I have isnt cutting it. I asked if there was any OTC muscle relaxants but there isnt, thats what I really need is a decent muscle relanxant to settle the muscles down. But I got something else which the lady said would help with muscle pain, so I tried it. My muscles to seem much more relaxed, my neck is heaps better and that has been really painful and tense all day. I dont have much time for OTC pain relief and medications in general, with what I deal with typical pain relief is like Tic Tacs but I figured this was muscles, its a bit more typical, like lots of people have muscle problems, not caused by my issues maybe but I thought typical OTC stuff might be enough, on top of everything else, hopefully just to make a difference. Turns out my hunch was good and my muscle pain has settled a bit, not totally, like Im not out of pain but Im not nearly as tense and I think my spasms have settled, I will know for sure when I try to go to sleep. I still would like proper muscle relaxants to really sort things out but in the mean time this is a good start.

I just realised, when I got home my sister said did you get my txt and I said no. I said when did you send it and she goes never mind. I looked at the time stamp I received it and it would have been pretty close to when I pulled in the drive, but certainly when I was well on my way back. So had I got the message it would have been well too late. That said, in the state I was in I would not have been stopping for anything, let alone a blasted Macca's Coke. But how hard would have it been to say that I only just sent it, never mind or similar not make it out to be some thing it wasnt, like I should have done it or I should have seen the txt etc.

To say that I am over this bullshit at home is an understatement, Im definately finding myself pulling away from all of them. I have been for a long time and I can only see myself continuing to do so. I wish it was a more common family that had healthy relationships that had stuff in common and wasnt idolising one person above others or at very least one sex over the other. But it isnt, and staying in that environment, allowing that to be who I am and allowing them to say that is who I am is my choice. I might owe them money and I have a responcibility to pay that back but not at the expense of my own health and also I cant let it be used as a way to control and manipulate me into being trapt at home where they can continue to abuse me.

Im watching a TV show and there was a part where a daaughter looked ashamed when she mis-spoke? and admitted to having slept with some guy. This reminded me of things in my own life regarding sex. From a youngish age Mum was very open about sex, we were taught about sex etc. I dont remember the ins and outs, I cant imagine it explicit but well it would have been tame but we would have been very informed. Growing up sex etc was talked about somewhat openly, Mum and Dad's sex has been a topic of discussion, well more one way, that was more when we were older. I learnt more about sex than I would have liked, looking back, from my Mum. Dad wouldnt talk about it, he'd go red and leave. If Mum was talkig about sex, you remained attentive, you werent permitted to leave. There has been times I do remember where I have been pretty uncomfortable with what was being talked about. If Mum knew, it would be like with Dad going red, she would find it funny and poke fun at me. It is better to grin and bear it than to shy away from it and tell her you dont want to know. Sexually, I suppose Im pretty open, not personally, but I have no problem discussing it. I have little experience and less desire to gain experience, but I probably feel less awkward when people talk about sex than most. I dont like it, Im not a fan of sex, discussing it etc. I am not ashamed by sexual discussion, the act or any of it, its natural, its what people do. Im just not one to talk about it, I dont want to talk about others experiences etc. I mean, Im not one to sit down with a mate while he boasts about his latest score etc. I dont think sex is something to boast about, I also think its something private and intimate between people be it solo or a group, probably less so in a group environment, none the less I still dont want to hear about it. Mum talking about it did kinda normalise it discussion wise I suppose but it was like someone teaching another person to drive, without letting them get into a car at all.

Personally, Im not offended by it or anything but Im not really keen on any of it. I dont particularly want to have sex, I dont want to have a relationship, I dont want kids, none of it is appealing to me. Sex, relationship, intamcy all that just doesnt do it for me. I dont lack a sex drive, though what I have is pretty minimal, not having sex doesnt bother me, as I said its a small amount of experience and I dont see the fuss, there is a lot about it I dont like. Im honestly quite content to stick to the occassion solo adventure to clear out the pipes than to go seeking out a sexual relationship with all the strings etc attached.

I went to bed around 8:30/9pm and fell pretty much straight to sleep. No contending with spasms or anything like that, it was wonderful. Woke around 12:30 and had a smoke. Went back to bed and again straight to sleep. I woke again at 4:30, its now 5am, really thirsty basically just sculled a 500ml can of Mother in a few minutes. My sister is asleep at the table again across from me. Im pretty well awake, pretty sore but not muscular, just stock standard sore. Im planning that I will go back to bed shortly, its early and Id like to get a bit more sleep if I can.

Of course I had to smoke outside, its pretty cold, Im sure that does nothing good for my muscles, it doesnt help with spasms and the like. I wear my Oodie outside even if its cool to try and help. Then I come back inside from like 8 degrees to the very warm kitchen where the split is which is currently set at 28.5 degrees. Again, I dont think the sudden changes in tempreture are good for my back muscles. We have told my sister about keeping the tempreture lower, like max 24/25 because it makes the unit work too much and too hard and will eventually it will break, but she continues to do as she wants. Its like the kitchen door, keep it closed, trying to heat the whole house wont work and it puts too much strain on the system, but she leaves the door open constantly. Its dumb because the kitchen is colder with the door open because the system cant heat up the hallway, cold air comes down and cools the kitchen instead. Then the fan isnt on, its a ceiling fan that Dad has set to winter and when its on it helps push the hot air down and really helps warm the kitchen quicker, it works, I know it works but too much for my sister as is shutting the lounge doors, so she is heating a room not being used. Then the heater is going all night and most the day, its generally off when she isnt home, Dad has to come up with thousands a quarter to pay for electricity because of things like this. Mum leaves hers on all night (there is a unit in the kitchen and a smaller one in Mums room), she also leaves her TV going all night and 1/2 the time her lights are on, as are my sisters. I was getting blamed for the large bills, well for all I know its still my fault, because I supposedly left my work laptop on at night, I might have forgotten to turn it off a couple times who knows, or I left it on and came back later that night inbetween it was noticed it was on. But a laptop, I know it doesnt draw nearly enough electicity to account for the bills. Then it was my tablets, I leave them on, for this reason, I wake in the night and often use them. But I dont like leave them on, on, I shut the screen off etc. So they are using even less power than they normally do, which is like so little, I mean they are powered by USB. The glaringly obvious wastes of power are completely over looked and devices that cant possibly draw the power needed even if they were left working at full potential are blamed, or I am blamed. But so long as I am blamed and not dear sister or Mum then all good.

Sorry tangent, I dont nesseccarily mind smoking outside, I mind that it doesnt apply to my sister and I mind that its not a different rules at night. Because the primary reason for not smoking inside is Dad. He doesnt like smoking, he thinks its one of the dumbest things to do, he is an ex-smoker. But he has trouble breathing now with the smoke inside, which I figure is fair enough. Since I started smoking outside and my sister inside, the confined smoke from my sister irritates me, it isnt pleasant and if chokes the air. Im not sure why it does that too me but maybe because my smoke doesnt linger, its gone in the wind almost instantly. She has not problems lighting up while your eating and blows smoke in your face from across the table, which I find pretty rude. Maybe thats part of it, shes right across from me blowing smoke in my face and even as a smokerr second hand smoke in your face is unpleasant. Im sure her main reason for not having to smoke outside simply boils down to it being cold, she doesnt like the cold, but who does, well in Australia. She, in this regard, is pretty pathetic. Multiple blow heaters running, in the bathroom and her room to warm them up for when she has a shower so she isnt cold getting in and out the shower FFS and when getting dry and changed again FFS, Mum is not much different, she turns her heater up and warms the bathroom before her showers etc. Mean while I walk, in a towel, down to Mums room to her shower, her shower is bigger and fits my shower chair, stand in the cold while the water heats up, dry and walk back to a cold room to get dressed and that is just well normal to me, its not a big deal. I keep the door to my room shut all the time, partially to keep the dogs from eating my shit but so it doesnt get an opportunity to be warmed etc for when I go to sleep. Good sleep hygine says your room should be around 15 degrees when you go to bed so I try and keep it cool. Besides, it doesnt take that long under cover to warm up, 1/2 the time even in winter I end up with my leg out or with my covers off for a while cause Im too warm. Its not that big of a hardship to be cold for a little while, but princess sister should never be uncomfortable.

Im about to wrap up for now and go back to bed, but my sister just woke and I was nice and said morning, she said I suppose you've already been in, so have gone to the servo. I said no. But the reason she is asking is so I can get her smokes. She gives me her card and its not a big deal for me to do it but for some reason she has an issue with buying her own smokes. She carries on about Mum getting Dad to buy her smokes, especially when he is home from being in town, but she now expects me to buy hers because she cant organise herself to ensure she has enough, or buy 40 packs so that will last her longer and help her be more aware when she is running out. Im buying 20s because Im trying to reduce to quit. But if you're gonna keep smoking regularly then 40s are the way to go.

Im going back to bed for a few hours, Im a bit tired but could probably stay up, maybe. Im also in a fair bit of pain which is just getting worse so layinng down is rapidly not becoming an option. Its 5:45 now, Im done with the thirsty but I did drink a bit over a litre of fluid.

Man she gets me wild, I woke up again at 7:30, Ive given up on any more sleep, but I said to my sister that that wasnt very successful to which she replies, you did better than me. You cant be fn successful if you dont damn well try. I mean if you dont actually go to bed, dont take your medication then how the hell do you expect to have any success? I really stuggle to have any sympathy for you if you're not even having a go. You fell asleep at the table so your capable of sleep, try laying down, try going to bed, really if you're not willing to do that Im not willing to feel bad for you.

I have the most intense pain just above my right hip, lower back, it feels like one of those french round old style swords, that they use in sword fighting is pressed deep into there. Its worse when I move or sit too long.

Dad is going to call about a car for me today, a 1995 red Ford Falcon, the motor was replaced 60k ago. At this point I dont really care what he decides to buy me, he could come home with any car and Id be happy. I dont really even want to be involved with it, Im sick of cars. Dad did ask what type of car I wanted I said one with a small(er) engine than Ive had recently. Something more economical, not that I do a lot of driving but I dont need to spend a heap of money on fuel just to drive into town once a day. So a Falcon, in my mind, hardly fits the bill but as I say any car will do, then Mum cant hold her car over me.

Im trying to stay positive today despite the pain, the intensity is hard to cope with. I planned that I would go into town this morning and get drinks and smokes. Then there was this big thing over who was going to pick something up for my sister. Dad had been organised for it, but didnt get out of bed early enough for my sister so she was going to do it so she was going to need to go into town with me to get money out, which I eventually clued why doesnt she go in and get money and my stuff, I mean I do it for her all the time. It all settled and Dad has gone to get her stuff, a big kuffufel over nothing. Then she decides she is going in anyhow, so I give her card back, at one point I was buying her smokes. She says to me you'll deal with your self then, no offer or anything and I said yes. Its easier for me to do it myself, added to which who the hell knows when she will make her way home. As it was as she was leaving she was going to Kmart, Im sure more will be tacked on so you cant trust her to just go, get and come home, you have to allow for several hours of away.

My bladder cancer is not something I talk about much, mainly because it doesnt have a daily impact on my life. About the only impact it has is that I check my pee everytime I go for issues. Its nothing major at the moment, the only tumor I have had was low grade, non-invasive which in bladder cancer, tumor world is about as good as it gets. Im changing Urologists at the moment, my origional one well basically they put a scope up your urethra, before they do that they put numbing gel on the tip and allow it some time and then in goes the scope, its supposed to be uncomfortable but not painful. This is when they do it while you're awake. Which I opted for purely because I could take myself there and back and didnt need to bother Dad or someone else to take me cause I was put under. The original Urologist didnt allow anytime for the gel to do its work and just stuck the scope up there causing me a great deal of pain, I sat bolt upright, which with my back and weight is no easy feat. He just kept on going. I very quickly found a different Urologist and put in a formal complaint about the original, which is still being investigated.

I see the new Urologists on the 15th of this month, it was supposed to be 3 or 4 weeks ago. I had made the appointment, put it in the diary but Mum a week out decided to make an appointment at the same time. Dad and sister also had appointments around the same time so all the sudden I had no car and no one willing to honor my appointment and change their appointment as mine was in there first, also you know it was to deal with cancer so I would think kinda important. Anyhow, it came to the day and I had to call and cancel saying I had car trouble, which is true. The thing that really really shits me, Mum didnt even wake up for her appointment and I could have gone all the time. Thats how little Mum thinks of me, to make an appointment over my cancer appointment and then to sleep through it, that was just like a final kick in the guts. But my appointment is in a couple days, Im sure we will set up a Cystoscopy more so for him to feel that everything is good, me too though, I dont know how much I trust the other guys report. I will be pretty well insisting that I get put under from here on in, I know pain and that scope going where it did with basically no numbing was up there pain wise.

The thing with bladder cancer is that just because it was low grade - non-invasive last time doesnt neccessarily mean it will be next, it could be a little worse or a lot or the same, you dont know until the results come in. Which is why they keep checking you, to make sure no regrowth and to make sure it hasnt gotten worse/accelerated. Another reason I try and stay on the ball appointments wise and why I had to post-pone annoys me, well a small part, the whole not giving a shit about me thing sorta tops that list. Everytime I have to do anything with my bladder cancer freaks me out, its one of the more expensive cancers to treat because of all the steps and procedures, treatments etc. it adds up. I havent had to go the way of chemo or BCG (I think thats right) as yet so Im hopeful that, that never happens. There is the whole bladder removal thing if it progresses that far, though I am millions of miles away from that. Its a very treatable cancer, though some treatments arent nice. I dont spend a huge amount of time thinking about it, mainly when appointments and procedures are coming up, I spose I check the color of my pee all the time but thats just habit now days. I have to look for color and for clots, Ive had issues with both, both are scary but Im getting less concerned each time it happens. Doctors can only refer you to your Urologist and its a fair wait to see them, so why get worried. I mean if I pee'd bucket loads of red or brown then Id be more concerned or if there were lots of clots and chuncks. Id probably call Healthdirect and see if/when I need to find my way to ER. With some of the colors and clots Ive had recently Im pretty keen for someone to check me out. But again, its the all mighty dollar, Ive got to come up with I dont know how much to pay for the procedure.

After I had the removal I said something about the bladder cancer to my sister, who replied that I didnt have bladder cancer. Basically according to her I had the tumor removed so therefore there was no more bladder cancer. Mum quickly followed suit (I know right) and when I went in her room one day she told me, without prompting on the subject that I had to be careful what I said because I didnt have bladder cancer. Firstly, who am I talking to, them and doctors, when Im talking to doctors they agreed I would have to say bladder cancer. I mean what am I gonna say, there is no term for I had a tumor, its removed but they are still checking regularly. Oh wait, they do, its fn bladder cancer. Dad never said a thing. But there is no more clear cut example of them trying to diminish and dismiss an illness etc I have than this. They made it clear that they thought me saying that I had bladder cancer was excessive and unreasonable, even when I was just talking to them. Keep in mind that Dad has non-hodkins lymphoma so cancer is not a foreign concept in this house. Neither Mum or my sister make mention of it at all, Dad checks in occassionally as to how things are progressing, he wasnt at all impressed about me having to post-pone my appointment. Also remember that when I was told I didnt have bladder cancer (who are they to determine that anyhow) I had only really learnt that I had it, I had just got the results a short time before hand and been made aware of how my life was changing, in regards to regular Cystoscopys and removals if needed etc. The potential issues that may arise etc. Being told you have cancer of any kind really messes with you and then to have family tell you not to be so dramatic, its not cancer. I think this was a point where I, I dunno, I realised what/how they actually feel about me. I still went all out for my sister though her time in hospital etc. but since then, making me feel completely unappreciated, like I was worthless, like I did nothing for nearly 6 months with my sister. You know the way Im treated by both of them, despite all I did there was no change, there was no anything. She came home, winged about everything that hadnt been done to her standard, about the clothes we got "wrong" being brought down to her. Like litterally we would spend, on average, an hour a visit, packing bags to take to her with particular clothes she wanted and other assorted items. Clothes she wanted either didnt exist, werent where she said they were or we would find what she wanted but it would still get it wrong. Her room was a mess as well, she had been cleaning it out with 2/3rds of it in the lounge, so we were going through bags, baskets, piles etc. There was no way to know what was dirty and what wasnt so we would send down dirty clothes, but we were sending down what she asked for, how were we to know it was dirty. Then this was over a near on 6 month period, we would video chat so she could see what I was packing and still the wrong stuff was being sent down. Mum wouldnt get up and out her room and even help with this, let alone alone come down and see her. In the whole period, Mum couldnt organise with Dad or I to give her a lift, she we go on about the time (2 or 3 days) where only one person was allowed to visit within a 24 hour period, this was in emergency department. Dad and I didnt offer to take her, Im sure Dad did. I figured that I was going down pretty much every day, Mum could simply say that she wants to come next time I go down. But it was all Dad and My fault that she didnt visit.

I did so much for my sister during that period, Im still involved but far less so. She has her support people and doctors etc and she essentially deals with everything herself, which I am all good with, it shows she is getting better at least in that area. She doesnt really talk to me about whats happening anymore, if asked she skips over it. That kinda bugs me, I mean I knew the ins and outs of everything for months and then one day she just shut me out, so I dont know if she is improving or not, if I need to be watching for anything in particular etc. There again, maybe because of the last couple months, Im not sure how much of what she says I would believe. To an extent, again given everything I did, how involved I was, helping her do and set everything up to just one day be shoved to the side and not told anything is pretty hurtful. But then to add to it, she treats me like shit again, etc etc. I feel like Ive been stabbed in the back as a way of thanking me for everything. Though I dont thinks she thinks I or Dad did much at all. Mum wont correct her either, Mum knows how much we were doing. And thats the other thing, stab me in the back and turn back to Mum. Talk to her, go see her, spend time with her after months of anger, disgust, frustrtion, feeling like Mum was abusive (she is), she didnt come see you and so on, I did and you come home and soon enough you turn back to the person who you have said is primarily to blame for you being in the position you are. I mean you have to do all this housing stuff with housing SA etc. because you are such a risk living at home, because of Mum, your support people have told you that you're unlikely to live 12 more months if you stay at home. Why are you making friends again with the person that put you in that position? and on the flip side why have you turned your back on and treating like shit the only person who was there though thick and thin supporting you? This is really hurtful.

I have talked about my OAB a little in the past, it looks that today will be a bad day for it. Essentially what happens is I go to the toilet, pull up my pants and a bit of pee comes out. So I have moist jocks. On bad days its a bit more that a little and/or Ill be off the loo for a while and move and then I have a bit more. It makes me really self councious because you dont really know how bad you have wet yourself, is it noticable? Do I smell? You know its pretty gross and nothing I can do to stop it. I have medication which helps but isnt a solution. When I see the Urologist Im gonna talk to him, because I didnt get far with my old one.

I have reduced my meds further, the ones that stop my hands shaking, so far they havent started again and its been a couple days, so I would have thought they would have started shaking by now if they were going to. I am feeling really wonky and my appitite is either nothing or eating everything, Im also getting mad headaches, I dont know if the last two are from the changes in medication or back or something else. Im doing ok with the reductions in medication, Ive had some stomach aches, appitite changes, generally feeling like crap etc. Im not as bad as what I expected, Ive got a fair while to go with it all. I went back to taking one of the old medications I was on, from before I was put on and taken off another medication. Its hard to talk about medication when you cant say their name, especially when you're on and been on as many as me. Anyhow, I have some of this medication left over, enough to make it to my next appointment with the GP that does my pain, so Im going to talk to him and see if I can go back onto it, either that or some kinda sedative to help me sleep. With the reduction in medications, less antipsychotics they might be more inclined to prescribe sleep medication.

This morning my sister says to me that she "thinks" she is coming down with something. So shes not sick, only starting for feel like shes getting sick. I ah hah'd her, not really thinking much about it, again not sick (yet). She had a jab at me for not caring or some shit, which I didnt, Ill repeat not sick. Added to that, I have felt horrid over the past month or so, not being able to eat days at a time. One time when I could eat and it was like 2 am, she made sure that Mum was made aware that I had eaten in the middle of the night. Before they had gone on the medication themselves, I used to catch shit for eating at weird hours, I wouldnt always be aware of it either, but then they both went on it and they both had weird cravings, diet changes, eating at odd hours etc. I dont hear much about it anymore. But my sister made sure that Mum was well aware that I had eaten in the middle of the night and a lot (A Lite'n'easy meal). She didnt tell her and hasnt told her that I wasnt eating for long periods due to pain or more lately medication changes. So when I was feeling sick, when I was in so much pain I was nausiated and wanted to throw up, she did her best to cause another issue between Mum and I and now she wants me to feel pity for her, coming down with something, maybe. Shes not actually sick, and she wants pity. She did her best to get me in shit when I was sick and she wants pity. Im sorry but there is no pity for you. Added to all that, she cant feel too bad, she has just got into the car I drive to go quite a drive away assumably to pick something up, I certainly couldnt do that when I was so nauseated etc.

As I said, she has taken the car I drive, I have no known use for it for today but there was no politeness in coming to me and asking if she could use it, if I needed it or anything. She just took the car and effectively trapped me at home until she gets home. I put the fuel in that car, I try and minimise use because I am low funds wise, so basically I am trying to make sure I have enough fuel to go to appointments etc. She'll use $30 or there abouts of fuel going where she has, I can guarentee you there will be no offer of money to compensate or will she put fuel in the car. She will use the car and the fuel and leave it to me to cover the costs, despite knowing that Im having a hard time financially, what with moving to monthly insurance payments, costs of procedures and other medical bills etc. Im figuring that I will not be able to order my Lite'n'easy this fortnight and will have to eat primarily Mac n' Cheese for a bit. Ill try and add to it, Dad might let me eat some of the meals he cooks, if he cooks them. I dont care that she has taken the car, like the likelyhood that I am going out this afternoon is minimal, at this stage Im more likely to go back to bed. But it would have been nice and appreciated if she had come and asked if she could borrow it. I mean there was something this morning and she kinda asked then, but that all ended so I would have liked the politeness of being asked.

I just went and had a shower, the goal my rehab person made for me this week was to shower everyday. When I said to my sister about having a shower she made a bit of a song and dance, why am I having another shower. Then it was are you putting on deoderant. I cant put on deoderant because of an infection. But why am I using deoderant to sit at home. Normal body smell if you have had a shower if fine as far as Im concerned. But lets just stick with the goal thats been made, you dont need to try and add to it because of your wants, not mine. Rather than be happy that Im trying to do better, it was questioned. Mum did the same thing when I went down there, no encouragement I think mainly because both think Im not showering due to being lazy. Depression isnt a good or the right explaination for a heap of my depression symptoms, being lazy is. Its never my illness, its always a personal failing.

When I came out Mum said a heap of things, there was just so much bullshit that I cant write it all. She has a sore back, she uses that term, she does need a procedure on it, one shes had before and has not followed up on since. She has needed it for years. But she is also having muscle pain and I tried a OTC medication that helped my muscle pain yesterday, a lot actually, so I offered her some to try. She said that being so sore makes her tired, she doesnt sleep well because of it, she was tired of being tired. All I could think is, is this what gas lighting is. Is she serious, does she think Im going to, after everything shes done to me, show sympathy. Im in incredible pain, like yeah, I cant relate it to anything that others might understand, but few things Ive experienced exceed the amount of pain Im in or the type. Where it has exceeded the amount of pain Im in I have had urgent attention and in one instance that I can think of, I had surgery pretty quickly. Unfortunately, pain is something I know quite well and this honestly rates really high. Anyhow, I too have issues with sleep, I dont sleep well, I sleep lightly, I wake alot due to pain or spasms, like I honestly get a minimal amount of poor quality sleep regardless of how early I go to bed. Im also tired, exhusted really, tired of the pain, tired of being tired. Im also tired of being treated as if Im lazy, that Im in bed too much, that I dont contribute, that its not as bad as I say, as the doctors and specialist say. Im also doing stuff during the day, Im taking care of my own needs and chores, Im working towards returning to work, Im having the procedures I need. I cant just go to bed when I want, I have responsibilities to take care of, mainly in the afternoon, your responsibilities. All the doctors and specialist appointments. Dealing with my sister and her issues with me etc when she decides now is a great time to have a go at you over bascially nothing. Hell, she was on about getting rid of the bottles of drink in the fridge that arent going to be drunk. I have no idea what she is on about, the fridge is basically 1/2 full of her drinks. I have room for 2 1.25ltr bottles and a 2ltr bottle of iced coffee. Currently, I do have some cans of Mother, I was feeling down and wanted to cheer myself up a bit. but thats it for me, best I know. They are being drunk, thats my drinks for a day, I get 1 days worth at a time. So if there is bottles not being drunk, they would have to be hers, but for some reason I had to be involved and it was my problem.

I really dont understand who Mum thinks she is talking to when she says shit like that, I dont understand how she cant realise that Im in the same situation but on a completely different scale than her. Again its like stubbing a toe and complaining to someone with a broken leg, its insensitive.

On the 19th we have the Family Therapy thing and Mums attending. As I was leaving her room this afternoon she said that she wants to know whats been said about her before we all go. I said that wasnt up to me, that was up to my sister. Dad has said the same. Neither of us are going to do it, neither of us are going to put ourselves in that position, also as far as I know thats the purpose of the meeting.

Both Dad and I are concerned that my sister is going to flip flop, make it sound like she didnt say what she said, didnt mean it, or my theory she is going to say Dad and/or I coerced her, manipulated and confused her and she didnt mean anything. Other than being a complete lie and we have meeting notes we can get, made by the people running them, not us. I assume somewhere, somehow, she will try and divert Mums anger from all this onto Dad and I and away from her, eventhough she is the one who essentially blamed Mum for her current position, has all but said that if it wasnt for Mum she wouldnt have attempted suicide

------

I dont feel right, like my head is a little detatched from my body, woosy and wonky. Im having something to eat to see if that helps, Im hungry, but not,

------

I assume completely that I am going to wear more than my fair share of the shit sandwhich on the day, Im not looking forward to it. Ill stand by what Ive said, I dont have a problem speaking my mind to Mum in front of her face, probably the only one that does. I dont care if she agrees with what I say or do, I would appreciate her support, though I dont get it but Im happy to go forward with or without her. At 43 years of age Ive been around long enough that I can make pretty important decisions on my own, I can come for advise (I dont, to Dad I might) but end of the day decisons mine and Ill wear the outcome. My sister is not great with that, she will look to Mum to make Dad fix it.

Dad only has my sister to concern himself about flip flopping. Im not going to, I dont care enough. But Dad Im just not sure, he could stand to what he's said, he could stand up and say my sister is flip flopping or have my back when I challenge her, or he could just sit there and say nothing. He could "expand" on what he has said, something common for him and my Sister. You know, I just see him for lack of a better term, turn on me. Im waiting for it to be honest.

In general I am pretty concerned about this meeting, but then Im not. Like I get worried and then I remember that I really dont give a shit. I know full well that a fair bit of shit is gonna splash on me, even though I have only been there to support my sister. I know Mum is gonna try and level what my sister says and does on Dad and I, it is gonna be our fault as much as possible. We wont be leaving their liking each other at all, I doubt anyone will be speaking to anyone, my sister might try, she may find it all amusing, its kinda her way, she gets people in shit (Dad and I) and then kinda makes fun of the situation, she has even laughed about it, in front of us, almost at us. So, no Ill likely be covered in shit, if it starts though, I may unleash and dive into the pool of shit. Again though, I worry for a while and then yeah I dont give a shit, I seriously dont care. This family, no matter what is done, is falling apart and I think its beyond repair.

My sisters been out, she got home and not long later asked "How come you can do this all day (typing on my tablet) but you cant go to work." Before I could answer she blurted out "Its just a question." I gave her a few answers and I was pretty gruff about it. Honestly go you know what yourself. I do other stuff while your out. I can lay down when and if I need too. Then there is this is kinda therapy for me and I decided to go on leave when I was helping her and if screwed me up, then I had the back issues. But Ive asked to return to work a few times, even if its just for a few hours but they have decided that I am in too bad of a shape to do that yet.

She didnt like how I answered the question, I really dont know what she expected and she commented. So I replied that it was a pretty loaded question. I got it was a pretty loaded response. I dont think she gets the concept of a loaded question, but I said asked what did you really expect. Apparently she didnt mean anything by it. Im not dumb, I know that every question like that isnt "just a question". It was a judgement being projected, an examination, a way of her having a go at you without coming out really nasty. I know what it is, if she was home, if she was paying attention and listening she wouldnt have to ask the question at all. I dont just type, I stop all the time, I take breaks often and I write at my own pace. If Im at work, Ill have goals, limits, time lines. Ill be expected towork for set amounts of time and have a set amount of time as a break. I will be tied to my desk and expected to perform, maybe Im not ready for that. Maybe my pain makes that hard, maybe you shouldnt be such a bitch.

The whole time that was happening Dad was in the kitchen doing something with the dishwasher, he CHOSE to say nothing. More and more I am losing respect for him, its more evident since he retired and is around more. He sees and hears more of what is said to me and still he does nothing, I dont really feel like I should have his back, like I do. If he cant even speak out when my sister says something like that. I dont know what her problem is with me doing this or what else I should be doing in her books. I was having regular naps and stuff and I was getting grief for that too. I have nothing in my life, I have limited support but apparently I shouldnt have SANE either.

Now I have her (sister) carrying on because her legs are playing up. She has ortostatic (not how its spelt) tremors that come and go, apparently they have come tonight and she is groaning when they play up. I cant mention that Im in agony and it wouldnt matter how much pain I said I was in tonight. But if its an issue she has, she has pain and shaking etc she can sign, winge, groan whatever ensures everyone knows that she is not doing well. Its not just me that cant say how sore they are Dad does and almost everytime she says Wah Wah. Mum does and she essentially tells her off. The only person that can be vocal or even visually distressed is her.

I just fed the dogs, its really not a pleasant thing to do, bending up and down to pick up and put down the dog bowls is really painful. But so is cutting the roll of food, I dont know what it is but it really aggrivates my back. Then I went to have a couple of smokes. Ive calmed down from the question, like not upset at all. I did think about it though and Ive decided that Im going to have to protect myself and just stop engaging, with my sister or my Dad. Ill be cordgial, I wont stop talking to them, Ill restrain from doing so though, its more if she makes comments and the like Im just not going to respond, same with comments about Mum and Dad shes on her own. Its the same with Dad, Im not going to engage. Everytime I have been outside smoking and he has gone past he has talked to me, the time this happened after the question, just walked on by. He doesnt want to talk about it, he doesnt want to get in the middle. Thats fine neither do I. At least until the family thing, then we'll see how screwed things are.

I am sick of the comments tho, from my sister and bit my Mum. I know whats going on, I know how much pain Im in and what the doctors are doing and saying. I know whats going on in my head and what helps and what doesnt. I know when I need to go to bed and when I need to get up for a walk etc. I know Im doing the right things about it because Ive been through pain management course, 1 month long, proper training and the rehab person also said I was doing the right things. I dont need their validation, though their understanding would be nice, I dont need it because I know all of the above. Im not dumb and they treat me like I am, the questions, the comments its all done underhanded but its all having a go, all saying I should be doing more, I should be at work, Im not as bad as I think, Im just lazy and taking advantage of the situation. Thats all fine, I have nothing to prove to them, Ill be pain free soon and do what I want. Ill get mental health help and Ill be clearer of the mind and more mentally capable. Ill work with different supports to find a way out of here and Ill leave them to do what they want on their own. I think I might stay in contact with Dad, maybe, but especially if he has the balls to follow through and go to college in another country. Mum and my sister, I might txt but I think there will be radio silence for a while, some seperation would do things good, for them and me. I dont need their input and guidance to get through life, I managed for a decade to do it, granted I needed some financial help, but Ill keep working with my financial councillor to learn how to manage my money better. Dad and I also did it for nearly 6 months, while running back and forth to my sister, looking after my Mum, dealing with my own medical needs, for a while there working, dogs, house etc. If we can do that, I can move out, take care of myself without their involvement. I dont think either of them realise just how big a gift the hospitalisation was and Mum not lifting a finger was, Dad and I both realise just how little they contribute and just how little we need them.

I think it will be a really early night. Like its quart to 6 and Im tempted to start getting ready now. I got up pretty early, I dont count the last bit in bed as I didnt get much actual sleep. My pain is pretty significant tonight, its been getting much worse over the past few hours, that tires me out. I didnt have a nap today, by the time I stopped talking with Dad etc. it was 2pm and I start feeding the dogs at 4 so what was the point having a nap. Added to all that I dont think I can handle listing to my sister moan and groan about her damn legs. If it wasnt an issue that others did it it wouldnt bother me as much but she has an issue with me and everyone with their occasional moans and groans, let alone her persistant regular every minute or so groan. But again it falls down to shes the only one in "real" pain, the only one in "real" mental health problems, mine arent as bad as I make them out to be. Mum has done it to herself, she doesnt do enough to deal with the problems, Dad, I dont know what her problem with Dad groaning is, oh he spends to much time outside and working.

Tomorrow the aim is to shower again, 3 days straight will be the best Ive done in a really long time. I want to spend some time in my room tomorrow if Im up to it. Just tidy it up a bit, its like I dunno, there is shit from one side to the other. I did a little bit a few days ago, but Id like to keep going. I ended up taking my quilt out the quilt cover the other night. The quilt had bunched up with most of it on one side of the cover and trying to get it to even out was too much. I tried to shake it out but it wasnt budging and my back couldnt take it anymore. So Ive been sleeping with just a quilt for a few nights. Ill see how I go but I might need to get Dad to do it for me. At some point soon I want to wash and dry the bedding as well, I dont think I have another complete set, I think the sheet at least, is shared between my two sets. I dont have much in the way of bedding, Im a guy I dont value that shit.

I did go to bed really early, about 6:30pm. I laid listening to music for 45min, timer ran out. I changed what I was listening to and reset the timer and fell asleep pretty quick. Slept through to 12:30 so a decent amount of sleep. Im not suprised that I just laid there for a while, spasms and pain werent good and my mind was not fantastic either. The only reason I woke up is I came out of my quilt and was freezing and I, for some reason, couldnt work my way back under the quilt. I do feel like I got some decent sleep, but Im not far from going back to bed. I didnt have any tea last night, I was more tired than hungry I think but Im about to have a bowl of cereal but I expect that to be an issue, like something will be said, despite not having eaten last night.

When I woke up my sisters bedroom light was on, like normal, I came down and she was at the table, this after going on again that she needs an early night. Kitchen door was open as well, it seems that once Dad goes to bed (Im always in bed before him) she does what she wants to do and leaves it open, she is convinced she is right and the wall mount will heat the house, despite Dad and I explaining that she will destroy the wall mount in the process and it physically cant do it. I mean there is no way the heater, no matter how big and powerful, can or will push warm air all the way through the house, doesnt matter how long you leave it running with the door open. But Mums done the calculations and the area being heated normally, if you close some doors etc is the same area to her room so it should be fine to heat that area. This doesnt take into account the distance, they are trying to heat or "take the chill off" in my sisters room. Its all a big carry on because my sister wants her own split system for her room, thats my theory, she does stuff like this to "encourage" Dad to do what she really wants. He doesnt have the money to do that and he knows if he did it would never be turned off. Id like one for my room, it would mainly be used during summer but it would be nice. But I dont expect Dad to do that.

I do think that Dad said the split he got will work on the entire main part of the house, but apparently heating and cooling are different and we have proved heating doesnt work on the whole house. But my sister will keep doing what she wants because she is that arrogant. If she works the split into the ground and it stops working then she wont have any heating, she will probably go back to her blow fans, which will cost more to run and it wont be her fault. That said we are not here long term and it will take a while for the machine to really have a problem so it will be an issue for the houses new owner.

They may be pet peeves and not important but I hate drawers being left open, or you know closed but still open a bit. Just close the damn drawer. There were like 3 slightly open when I woke up, it really grates on me, then is packing for food etc over the bench not in the recycling and the bench has crumbs etc all over it. Just wipe up after yourself, put your rubbish in the bin and recycling in the recyling basket, dont leave it for someone else to wipe your arse for you. Worst of all, dont complain about others doing it or similar. I dont really understand the crumbs on the bench thing, it shouldnt happen that often, use a plate, its not a hard concept. Then there is empty packets from her hot drinks, I mean seriously put them in the bin, its two or 3 steps away. These are things that she would go nuts over if anyone else did it.

I went back to bed and woke up not long later. I have pain going all up my back, into my neck and causing a headache on one side. I laid in my bed for a bit but it was too much to deal with so I ended up getting up again. Im pretty well awake but I do want to go back to bed but not seeing the point at the moment just to lay there not able to sleep. Shit like this is reasonably common, Im really looking forward to the next procedure where I can recover and have some time where Im not in pain, I can sleep normally and just function like most everyone else.

I came down and immediately went and had a smoke or 2. When I came back inside I asked my sister if she was ok and she grumped yeah but clearly not ok. I dont know whats wrong but I do know she went and saw Mum because the dog that normally sleeps with Mum is back down.

Im actually perplexed, my sister bought a desk for in her room as she is not keeping up with everything and doing stuff at the table isnt working for her. Now Im not opposed to her having a desk, if she is using that and not at the table, more quiet time for me, no interuptions randomly while Im typing etc. what confuses me is how she is having difficulty keeping up sitting at the table. I mean a few appointments a week a couple of which is with a paid friend to hang out for a few hours. At least one of her support has to be coming to the end of its 3 month period, again that one is essentially hanging out. They chat about whats going on and how shes feeling, kinda like what I do here but with a 2 way conversation. I dont get it, plus its gonna be cold in her room, so of course that means blow heater which means yet again more electricity use. I do wonder if she will even use it, its feels like kinda when someone over organises something but doesnt actually achieve anything. That said I dont know what she is trying to achive. She has a variety of tech she can use, she has a laptop that she had to have and I think we set it up, she forgot the pin and now cant get into it. An Apple Ipad, which is my fault she got, she was tossing up between that and a laptop and I said the tablets I have worked really well for a laptop replacement and getting new software etc for it was really easy. So she went for that, I dont think Ive seen her using it. Plus she has an Iphone. With all that tech, she should esily be able to set herself up for success but she prefers pen and paper etc. so why get all the tech? 1/2 the reason she has so much trouble at the table is she has so much shit around her, empty bottles etc. My empties that I havent moved to recycling are neatly(ish) together to the side in a spot I have for them, near there is where my cup stays and the container Im drinking out of, they stay in the one spot and live there until moved to the little area, recycling/to be washed. Hers, all over the shop, she drinks and puts it down where ever and same when finished. She does the same with shit shes using, God there is a bra sitting on a small pile of crap. Have some organisation in your area and then you might be able to organise what your doing and trying to accomplish. Amazingly I get shit for being disorganised, messy etc. Her room is organised and clean, tidy. But that said, she barely does anything in there, its almost like she cleaned it and set it up and then made it into a time capsule, though she keeps cleaning it, changing it around etc. Occasionally she sleeps in her bed, but its made pretty much once she wakes up and her room is back to pristine. Me Im the opposite, I have a tidy, not pristine, but organised area at the table, my room is a shocking mess tho, hence why I want to do some stuff in it today. But Id rather the kitchen be clean than my room, its a shared area. Its not always tidy, it gets away from me at times but most the time its good.

Im gonna go into BP shortly, the normal petrol station I go to is closed for another hour and a half. Ive got 2 smokes left so cant really wait for them to open. I kinda want something to munch on as well. Not sure what though, not chips I know that. I did really have a good go at giving up but going from 40 to nothing over night was too much. Ive managed to drop to 20 which is a pretty big achievement, though no one at home has noticed or shown any support for me doing that.

I went to leave and I needed the keys to the car so I went and found my sister, who demanded I get out her way cause she didnt know where they were, which I tend not to believe, it was just an opportunity to have a go at me. She was in a foul mood and as far as I could tell just wanted to lash out at someone. I did get the "where are you going?" At this time of day, I am always going to the same place, besides what does it matter to you? If I ask you the same question you get the shits up, why should I have to tell everyone where Im going all the time, Im old enough to go out without everyone knowing where Im going. That doesnt apply to anyone else, she has to know where they are going every time. She wanted damn smokes again, seriously organise your own damn smokes, you're out often enough on a daily basis to buy them yourself. If I was doing that to her everytime she went out she would crack the shits quick and fast. Oh and ofcourse a freaking Macca's coke, every damn time I go anywhere near Maccas I have to get a damn Coke for her. Its not a big thing once in a while but just let me go in and out of town, do my own thing without having to do stuff for you.

When I got in the car I did notice that the passanger side feet area was once again trashed. I had cleaned it out a little while ago and had kept it pretty tidy since. One paper bag was there of mine, Coke cups from Maccas, iced coffee container and some sushi containers littering there. Then I start the car and yep, 1/4 tank used, not replaced, despite all her winging about how Mum never paid for fuel for her pick ups it was always her, she goes ahead and does it to me. I also have a disabled permit that I leave on the dash, it was in a perfect spot where it didnt move about, it just sat there. Yeah she put it in the glove box, I noticed after I had left from parking in a disabled spot, so if a cop had pulled up I would have been fined because she couldnt just leave my stuff where it was, in the car I drive. Im not saying its my car or anything, but Im the primary driver of it now, leave it how I have it. Clean your crap up. If you use fuel replace it, I cant afford to and you know that.

I spoke about it before how Mum in particular makes comments etc about my weight. I for some reason, decided to weigh myself yesterday and I had lost a kilo. Its not like Im trying or a big deal Im still more or less 148kg give or take 7/800 grams which is what Ive been doing for the past I dont know how long. Anyhow I was walking back to my room after having a shower and Mum looks at me and says something about me having put on weight. I happily replied that I had actually lost weight, which kinda shut her up. But seriously it goes to who what she knows and how biased she it. She really isnt one to speak about weight, neither is my sister. I try to eat healthy and Im trying to get to a point where I can be more physical. Both of them eat copious amounts of crap, Mum especially, neither are overly physical. Neither really look after themselves and neither are small and petite. I agree, Im much bigger than they are, that doesnt mean Im the worst offender food, excercise, healthy choices wise. I do tell them both many of the medications Im on put weight on, given my diet that is pretty clear, granted i dont move much but I should be losing some weight. Im not blaming my medication fully but they play a part.

The pain is getting much worse ever since I woke up, I am playing with the idea of laying down again, I really dont know what to do with myself. Considering the pain Im in, not as bad as it has been, but Im pretty chipper, like Im ok not sad, miserable, etc. Ive stopped playing with the idea, Im going to lay down, Im not so much tired, though Ill probably sleep, I just figure laying down might give me a break. I dont really have much to write about at the moment, writing, it helps my mind, especially with all the medication changes but it also helps distract from the pain, not a lot but it gives me moments where I dont notice it quite so much. It kinda sucks though at the end of a thought processess it comes flooding back and initially its quite a bit more intense, maybe cause of the lull you feel it more when it comes back.

I move around a heap during my sleep, Im on medication for it but it only lowers the amount I move. I move a fair bit when I first get into bed trying to get comfortable. When I went back to bed I couldnt get comfortable, then my Oodie was twisting under me and trapping my arm. So it went flying, by this point I was a fair bit frustrated. I got back into bed and my shirt became the issue. So it went flying. I bounced around again, trying to get comfortable and next thing the slates under my matress fell, when I looked they were all buckled up together. So early morning, back killing, I had to lift the mattress and fix the slates. By the time that was done I was in heaps of pain and completely out of breath, but I managed a few more hours sleep.

I went out to get some iced coffee, 20min round trip or there abouts. On way home I got a message asking where I was from my sister. I didnt reply as I was driving. When I got home the first thing she said to me is where were you? I just said Out. I mean, whats it to her? Did I suddenly become accountable for my actions and where abouts to her? I get asked every time I leave wher are you going? Im 43 I can just leave.

As soon as I had said out, there was some mumbling which I chose to ignore then you're peeing on the floor again, she yells out. This has a pretty long history going back last year when every 5 seconds my sister and only my sister would say that I had pissed on the floor or seat. No matter what I said I was wrong, I had done it and I was a horrible dirty person. It made me really nervous about going to the toilet. Like, I would check everything, even got to the point I was wiping the dry floor and seat. It played on my mind heaps to the point that I was going outside when I could just to avoid any chance of being blamed for something I wasnt doing. I denied it, but no one believed me they all believed her without evidence, her word meant more than mine. Since she has been home there was none of it, while she was in hospital there was none of it. A little TMI but I sit, with my shakes, spasms and just my back in general its a definate that I would have to do a deep clean of the toilet everytime I went. Im not saying that I havent in the past, there has been an issue here and there. Sadly for guys, I dont speak for girls, when your done there is room for a little more to come out and if you shake and it isnt good enough you can make a drop or two.

Well here's the fun thing this morning, when she decided to accuse me of peeing on the floor. I hadnt gone to the toilet inside, Dad was on the loo when I woke up so I went screaming outside as I was desperate. A little while later I went out. So I hadnt used the toilet since waking up. When I said this to my sister it was the third degree of my bodily functions for the morning, accounting for when I woke up to pee etc. This time she had absolutly nothing on me. The other thing is, since the cancer diagnosis, I check the toilet pretty carefully, which means Im looking at the floor and toilet seat. I see nothing everytime, well I see color sometimes but nothing else. So she is either full of shit (my personal favourite) or its dad.

As I went to bed early, I took my night meds early as well so I dont know if its that or something else, but Im as wonky as shit, dizzy, light headed etc. I was ok when I went in but not long after getting home its been downhill, now its like a wall has smacked me up side the head with tiredness and a hint of thumping headache.

My sister seems to get so annoyed and frustrated with all her stuff, with the lounge full of crap which is fine, but she turns it around on me. Like shes trying to do stuff with it all and Im happily sitting at my tablet doing whatever. Then she gets shits on because Im not doing enough, despite not having piles of crap laying about, my room is a mess, but its kinda, more or less a mess that I know and can deal with. I have a small room, its enough for my queen bed, a bedside table, a chest of draws and 2 cupboards. But everything is full, mainly of stuff I dont ever use. I need to get the medication safe, my bed and a pile of clothes on the floor in front of one of the cupboards, they're clean and what fits, its basically all I wear, when I run out of that pile I do a load or 2 of washing. Oh and my soft drink as there is no room in the pantry etc for much of my stuff. I have room in the pantry for a box of cereal and a box of mac and cheese. The rest of the thing is completely full.

I dont have projects, I dont feel the need to upcycle everything, to decorate things. Like my tablets are all as they were when I bought them, no stickers or anything. I dont see the point, its at the back of the thing, I cant see it, who the hell am I doing it for. I honestly dont have much stuff, if I dont actually need it I dont get it. I wish I was the same with drinks and shit, then I could just drink water which would be healthier for me and cheaper. My sister on the other hand, has to have the item, the accessories, the embellishments for everything. It all has to match, same design, same brand etc. If she starts a project and runs out of a material and cant get the exact same one, she will rip out what shes started and redo it all again. I kinda get that, I probably would too. Its kinda easy to match my stuff, its all black, black is the color of pretty much everything I buy, at least tech wise, it doesnt stand out as much, fits in with the video box on screen and doesnt detract from what Im doing. Most my clothes are dark colors as well, my sister has bought some lighter colored clothes for me, I dont mind greys and that but she has bought some orangy stuff and what not. If it fits, I dont have to go to the shops, and it feels ok ill pretty much wear it. I dont care what Im wearing, tshirt and track pants is my main stay. Its comfortable, generally I know its going to feel right and it looks okish, like I can get away with it. People are going to look at me no matter what I wear and see a fat man, Ill always be a fat man even if I was in an Armani suit, Id just be a fat man in a suit. By feel right I mean that, the tag doesnt bother me, the material doesnt bug me. Some materials itch, or rub wrong on the skin etc. I cant wear it, it has to feel right.

I suppose I dont have much really because I dont have much money, like if I had enough to buy anything worthwhile Dad would expect me to give it to him to pay him back. If/when my sister has to survive on her pension alone, when the money from her house sale is gone, when Dad has moved out, when they have both pased away, I dont know what she will do, but buy recklessly all the bits and bobs because they were on special or its the one she wanted for ever and ever, or it was cute. When she is living along and actually having to pay her own way, not ride on the gravy train which is Dad its going to be a massive shock for her. When she leaves, even the sleeping at the table thing will be more of an issue, lights on, heater on, electricity bill, all the sudden getting into bed and just being cold for a few minutes will sound ok cause it costs way too much otherwise.

When I move out and its just me, I dont think ill bother with a TV, I think my set up will stay the same. Its just me, why do I need to buy a big TV that costs a heap to run. Ill probably want a decent sized desk, maybe a kitchen table. Other than that I have a bed and draws. I might need to get a wardrobe or two if there arent built ins. Cuttlery, maybe pots, pans etc, crockery again maybe. I eat Lite n Easy so I dont really need plates, I might need a bowl for cereal, something to cook mac and cheese in. I dont really see myself going back to cooking. There is something about Lite n Easy, where its a limited selection, you eat the same stuff most every week. There isnt really anything to get excited about, which is good. I dont want to be excited about food, I want it to be a nutrition source and thats it, take the emotion out of eating. Id like to do the same thing with drinking, like there is an emotional thing with iced coffee, I somehow need to break that. When I move out I will most likely live a similar very modest life. Keep the bills down, telecommunications bills will likely stay medium-high because its one area I like high spec stuff, I like my phone and my main tablet to just be able to do what I want them to do. The TV tablet can be mid range because it has one task and if it takes an extra second to load the app then no biggie, but would drive me nuts elsewhere.

What I would like to do though, if I can put money aside for it is experiences, like going bowling or day trips etc. I dont think I would travel, being away from home tends to bug me, I have to pack all my stuff, including CPAP gear, medication etc. drive where your going, unpack it all and set it up, that reminds me of hospital. If you forgot something or you want something that you left at home, too bad. Then you feel compelled to completely occupy every second of your trip because you dont want to waste any money then you have to do everything in reverse and this time if you left anything behind your probably not getting it back. Then there is, is the bed comfortable, will my back be ok with it, is the water pressure ok, is the room ok, are the staff ok. Depending on where you go and if it has a decent hotel then its most likely densily populated, so you have to be ok with a shit tonne of people, which I am not. You have to find stores, get groceries, or pay steeply marked up prices. You still have your "normal" life to live and bills etc are still being emailed or posted to your email or to home. The only things a holiday away does is cost you money to be in a different place and see things that are different but essentially the same as at home (if in a city). Its a bit bah hum bug of me, but I struggle to see the point. I dont know exactly what Id want to do but it would be stuff that I can drive to from my place and back to my place in the same day, if not a shorter period. Id try very much not to become a hermit, though I dont think it would be hard. I think primarily I want a quiet and peaceful existance, I want a social group but not neccessarily friends, like people you call for a barbeque, just people you meet at the bowling club who stay there and you see the following week. I want a relationship with my family but kinda at arms length, I dont want them close enough to cause me harm, but close enough that I know the important things that are happening and I have some connection with them but just protected. I am very mindful when I leave that relationships will be strained, I dont see it being a pleasant seperation and I will utilise that to make a emotional break and rebuild that relationship differently when things settle.

So I had a thought, this smoking outside thing. Im going from warm inside, generally 25 degrees to outside where its winter and can be a few degrees, raining, storm etc. We have an outside setting under a verandah so I have somewhere to sit and Im out of the weather. But its often fn cold as, even with a jumper and an Oodie on Im freezing. Would this have an impact on my back spasms, like I know that having 5 procedures in 8 months will be an issue and the last one caused somethiing funky but hot the cold then hot again, wouldnt that just encourage my back spasms. I know even if it came down to it and that was the single solitary cause of my spasms, Dad would tell me to stop smoking rather than allow me to smoke inside. But it would be nice to know.

The whole me being the only one made to sleep outside thing has really put a rift betwen Dad and I and he doesnt even notice. Infact he keeps making the rift wider, not saying anything last night when my sister asked how I can type on my tablet all day but not go to work. He stayed out of it and hasnt brought it up since, either he agrees or he didnt want to get involved. The list goes on though where he either stays out of it or permits/enforces 2 different rules for myselt and the rest of my family. The more he does this the bigger the rift is growing. I mean this morning he asked my sister if she got the $90 out, he had gone and picked up a desk for her and paid for it cause she didnt have the cash. She said no, she didnt know she needed too. He told me that he didnt expect to get the money back and her saying she didnt know she needed too shows she is so used to not having to pay for stuff he has paid for. Me, if that was me, I best have the money out or it would have been organised to go on my bill, because everything I borrow goes on the bill, I dont get away with borrowing or him paying for shit. Then there is he and my sister organising tea for themselves and not seeing if I wanted to have a steak to, Dad pays for it but if he can get out of paying for me as well he will damn well hide that he is getting steak, which he knows I really like and would say yes to. Thats not a once off either, happened a couple times not. He cant have my back with my sister, its not worth the fight or he is not willing to have one, cause he knows what he says or or does to my sister will go to Mum and he doesnt want to deal with that. Im not worth having a argument and stand up to Mum on my behalf. So, yeah there is a rift, which I felt a little bad about, but re-reading that if he doesnt want to have my back, be in anyway a father, a friend or even a decent human being then I cant treat him like one, the rift is there, its wide and Im not sorry its there, its his rift, he made it not me.

There is a rift between each one of my family members and me. Mum doesnt want anything to do with me, like anything at all. If she speaks to me its not motherly, its mean, cruel either towards me or towards my Dad. Im not worth staying down for when my sister fell asleep, there was no point, no point spending time with just me. Being kind, not going to my sister and winging when I say I cant do something, like I took in something to service SA for her but she wanted me to take something else somewhere else, it was too much for me, I didnt know about seating, like if there was any and I couldnt really stay standing for ages that day, or any day to be honest. She went and winged to my sister, from what I can tell the whole lazy, not as bad as I say blah blah blah, I could have done it, I should have done it kinda thing. Even going back to my younger years she made sure she dominneered over me, she favoured my sister, me I was there to do stuff or be out the way. There has been a rift for years, like years and years, she has just made sure Im aware of it, reinforced it, as she told me when I was a kid, I was not expected, my sister was planned. Looking back that was her saying that I wasnt wanted and Im still not, I mean what bitch tells a kid that they werent expected and doesnt think they will view that as not being wanted. She knew what I would think and thats what she intended me to hear. There is a massive rift and that one isnt ever going away.

My sister and I were ok, I dont know how but we had periods where we werent and then we would be good but this time, no we're done. She has completely screwed herself out of one of her biggest supports. Every opportunity she gets to throw me under the bus, to have a go at me, to have an attitude with me, to be mad about something and take that out at me, every opportunity she has to generally treat me like I dont matter, Im in the way, Im useless, not worthy of common decency, she takes it. After months of support, visiting, packing clothes etc. she has decided that I am not worth shit, Im not worth showing any appreciation for I think her and I have the biggest rift. Making up shit to have a go at me now, because I didnt tell her where I was. This is the shortest explaination of the lot because its just not worth it, its not worth talking about.

I was talking to Dad, more so at Dad because he wasnt really engaging, he had a winge and we talked but as soon as I winged he shut down. I said to Dad that I am sick of it, that Im in shit no matter what, like literally every day I succeed in being on the recieving end of some shit, it doesnt matter what, I could work myself out the backyard into needing to go to hospital I was in so much pain and it would still be an issue, even if Dad took me to hospital and they had nothing to do with it there would still be comments, I would probably have done a shit job of something, or missed a spot. Not a day goes by that I wake and go to bed without a cruel word being spoken, some comment being made, being in trouble for something or just generally being treated like I dont matter. So Im done, Im not playing anymore if they have an issue then its their issue to have, Im gonna keep living my life the best way I can, Ill accept my mistakes and take responcibility for them but I wont take the abusive and over the top responces to them. I dont care if they believe me when I say Im in pain, sick or struggling mentally, I seriously dont care. I know whats going on with me medically, I know what is being said by my medical professionals, I know what I am capable of doing given my circumstances and what Im not, they dont, if they dont believe me, dont want to believe me or want to make comments about any of it then thats their opinion, they are cruel and ignorant and thats their problem not mine. Ive been bullied most my life, I know how to take it. Ill take it until I find a way out of here and they can all go screw themselves.

Honestly, if they want a relationship that will be up to them, I wont go seeking it. I forgive them, I already do and I know its going to keep happening. I will likely engage and things will go to shit, while Ill try and shut my mouth, there is an element of me that is of the opinion that I dont, it wont do any good but Ill stick up for myself. While I forgive, that doesnt mean I will allow them in my life to continue being abusive. At the moment, I have no where to live other than home. I dont care about the money I owe, like at all. I will go bankrupt if I have to, I think there would potentially be a role change but the need for that would be minimal as I have no debts with WBC. 3 years of that and I can reset. Actually, that is a very likely scenario, when I leave Ill file for bankruptcy, I dont thinik there will be an issue with work, pretty confident actually. They can try and file a claim under my bankruptcy and if there is a dividend (which I doubt). After 3 years Ill be done, what $80k worth of debt will be dealt with and Ill be free financially. A big part of the reason I havent tried to file for bankruptcy is that I owe money to my family, well I think they have screwed themselves over and out of that, they might just be treated like any other creditor. They cant treat me like Im really part of the family, well bed made, lay in it.

Ive been trying to do a little bit in my room each day or so, none of it is at a good hight for me so its pretty painful to do. The first day all I did was clean up empty water bottles. Today I put the quilt cover and pillow case back on. God Damn my back hurts like crazy after doing the quilt cover, Ive even got a little shake to me but it will make things warmer tonight, its really thick, its like an extra blanket on the bed. My neck is absolutly throbbing.

I just remembered that I need to shower today, which Im gonna do before I feed the dogs. Ill go outside and have a smoke in a minute then have one. A little after that Ill feed the damn dogs, cause I dont want them to go hungry and apparently its just too much work for their owners. When I came back inside from my last smoke my sister was talking to my Mum on the phone, dont know what about I just walked up to my room. When I came back down she was still on the phone and said here he is or something like that and they ended the call. Im assuming that the grumpy mood my sister is in is due to me, probably over the pee thing but who knows it could be anything. I dont actually care but that does mean that when I go to have a shower, I walk past Mum and so Im probably gonna get in shit from her about it, unless Mum decideds to go to Dad in which case he might say something, otherwise if he has been listening to me he will keep it to himself. Though he probably will say something more so he can say he said something when Mum asks.

So I had my shower, 3 days in a row, when I got out I told Mum about last night, I dont think I wrote about it but I bounced around so much last night that I knocked the slates out and collasped my bed. She then talked about how I must have looked like a whale or something, she couldnt say dolphin because you know, ie my weight. Then she slapped the overway and something along the lines of you got to wake me before 11am, I sleep through my alarm blah blah blah. I just said no, Im not an alarm clock and left. Firstly, the way she commanded me too, no, Im not taking that anymore. Secondly, I used to do it, I got sick of it. It was a carry on almost every time, then there was come back in 10 minutes, or half an hour etc. She is hard as hell to wake and seriously its pretty deeming to have to wake someone in the morning, mainly for their medication. Im already responsible for someone elses medication I dont need to be for another persons.

Added to that, I hardly have my shit together, Im not doing my normal tasks. I have a rehab person setting me a goal to shower everyday, that should be enough to realise Im not really the right person to put that on. I have appointments that I have to go to, I dont need to be worrying that I need to wake anyone else up other than me. Its not a huge thing when you say it, but practically there is a bit too it and I dont need that on my plate. I am now wondering when Dad will bring it up, not that it will change my mind. She was carrying on that she doesnt wake up to her alarm, it depends on the night shes had, almost everyone in our society uses an alarm and wakes up to it. She doesnt want to wake up, she doesnt want to be responsible, she wants everyone else to take care of her and take care of the things she doesnt want to do. As for it depends on the night she had. FFS I wake up multiple times a night, I fight to sleep every night, I dont have good nights essentially ever so forgive me when I dont give a shit about your bad night every now and then, or the days where you sleep for days at a time. I still have to wake up for my appointments, I have to wake up to my alarm, I have to be responsible.

Im a little disappointed in myself, I had dropped down to 20 smokes a day but last couple days its increased to 30 and I think I nudged 40. I really want to kick this, I was happy going down, I mean I wanted to stop all together but dropping by half was pretty good start. But going up hasnt made me happy, very much the opposite. I was hoping that it wouldnt be long until I dropped to 10.

So Im back seeing people walking around. I dont think they are the same people I was seeing that were monitoring me. These seem different somehow. I seem to be going into psychotic episodes briefly, like a week or so at a time and then they go away and come back manifesting in a different way. Sometimes new ways for me, ways that I havent experienced before. Im really hopeful that my new psychiatrist can help me with this, I dunno maybe its the medication reduction stuff.

Im finally feeding the dogs, just taking a break. They all have dog roll for tea, some harder than others, theres 2 different styles. Anyhow, trying to cut them up tonight really was hard on my back and my shoulders. My shoulders are really painful today, they kinda feel like they are burning. But cutting the roll went right down my back, like through my shoulder blades. I had to change how I was doing it and use 2 hands because I couldnt hold the handle properly. It was like this weakness in my hand. I got through it but I had to stop for a while, my back was incredibly tight.

Ive finished feeding the dogs, I went outside like I normally do and had a smoke while they ate, I cant stand the sound they make when they're eating. The pain is really intensifying, Im not overly tired but Im going to go have a lay down, which likely means Ill fall asleep for a bit so I have my alarm set for a couple hours time. I think doing my quilt cover was too much for me. Then topping it off with feeding the dogs has pushed me over the edge. Im hoping laying down for a couple hours will calm it all down.

I did lay down for about an hour and a half, I couldnt get comfortable I kept spasming pretty bad, bouncing around like a moron. The back pain is pretty intense, a combination of spinal pain and muscle pain. I couldnt sit still long enough to even doze let alone sleep. The pain in my neck has calmed down so has my headache which is nice. Im not overly tired, kinda awake which is unusual for this time of night, especially given the sleep I had last night. Sitting up seems to be better than laying down was but still pretty damn sore. Im really looking forward to having this procedure and hopefully putting this pain behind me.

When I see my GP next Im going to bring up the issue of my shoulders if we get time. They are bad today, like burning pain and really sharp pain when I move them certain ways. I dont think that its related to my back, I did initially but I think Ive done something to them or they have developed a bursa or something. That said, Im not winging about them and Im pushing through the pain and doing things like normal, well normal with a screwed up back. I dont think anyone but Dad knows about them, I certainly not advertising it.

You know I was thinking in bed that I dont think my family even knows who I am, like they missed a huge part of who I am. For some reason they seem to think Im decietful and underhanded. They think Im lazy, unmotivated, a faker. That I have no integrity. They dont understand or appreciate that i have standards, I expect to be shown resepect and to be listened to, you dont have to agree but hear me out. That I have/had dreams too, that there are things that I want/ed for my life. That I want to do more than work a 9-5 job and come home and do chores and look after people. I didnt chose to be in pain or sick or have mental health problems. Ive done all I can to address them as best I can. I have things I value, things that I appreciate. Im not the kid in the corner, pushed into the background of the family life making coffees for everyone anymore. I grew up and I got some self worth, I found I was good at shit and enjoyed different things. I learnt that I dont have to just follow orders. I learnt, probably most importantly, I can actually survive without the oversight of dear old Mum and sister, I lived alone for like 10 years and if I hadnt gotten sick, I would likely still be living alone. Im better with money than they think, yeah they bailed me out when I was like 19, Im pretty sure Im not the only kid let out of a very strict household on their own to stumble, but we will hold that against me for the rest of my life and yeah bailed me out again when I got really sick. Im pretty sure thats out of my control, the fact that I managed on my own for 10 years that means nothing. Yeah you have had to help me over the past I dont know how long while I dealt with sickness, pain and mental health issues. Again, not exactly in my control and I think ive done pretty well on a limited income, with the debts I have. You know Mum once had a issue with me when I got the tablet Im using as its on a plan with Optus, she said they have always gotten you in trouble. Not once have I defaulted on a plan, just a couple loans when I fell sick. She really does not know what she is talking about, she makes shit up to suit the point she is trying to make even if its completely wrong. They seem to see me differently, they have judged me really poorly.

So apparently Im not worth asking if I want take away anymore, they got fish and chips tonight. That I might have been interested in. Dad was asked but he didnt want any. Mum and my sister obviously talked and made the arrangements. I was up, I was outside when she left, maybe thats the problem I was not in close enough proximity and she really couldnt be stuffed taking a couple steps outside. You know even if I say no 100 times, it would be nice to be asked, to be included and I think its really rude that I wasnt. I dont know what stick is up her arse today but if Dad I were acting like her we would have comments, she most likely would have a go at us. But for her, its fine, shes a I dunno, but can do what she likes, her rules for everyone else do not apply to her.

My headache is coming back, so is the neck pain, Ive just had my night meds, will have my tea shortly and go to bed. Hopefully I have a better sleep tonight than I did last night. Im kinda really sick of pain today, I dont think my family even remotely realise how over being in pain I am, how much it gets me down. I mean Im up for the 5th procedure in something like 8 months for my back alone, Ive got no idea how many Ive done in total in that period. Im pretty willing to do just about anything to resolve, reduce, minimise the pain. Like my pain specialist says I think if we do and Im already saying yes, I dont care what it involves, I dont care about the odds, if there is a chance that it will help I will do it.

With my back pain, walking is an issue, I struggle to lift my feet off the ground much, really lifting my feet takes a lot of concentration and it hurts after doing it for a really short period of time. Again, family has no idea, because so often I get, "Pick your feet up" and then there is a fight, because Ive been through it I dont know how many times. What bakes my noodle, like really does my tiny little mind in, is they leave cords fn everywhere. Use the vacuum, dont put it away, leave it in the hallway. Dont bring in the cable, leave it all over the shop so I can come along and trip on it. I mean seriously, there is a button you press that brings the cable in and stores it neatly and it all works, but no leave it out, let me trip and every single time I hurt myself cause I jar my back.

The back pain is seriously not good, its wrapping around my lower chest and making it painful to breath in deeply. My sister is across from me and falling asleep, she wont do her meds Ill have to rouse her and ask her to do them again and that will probably be an issue. I do not, in the slightest I dont understand why she doesnt take her night meds now and go to bed. Just go to bed. It is seriously not a hard concept, most everyone in the world does it, you're not that special and unique that when you're tired that you need to sleep elsewhere. GO TO BED.

I made my tea and had it outside, its pretty warm inside but more so I dont want to be around her, Im pretty grumpy with her at the moment. Today has been a rough day with her, I do know that Im in pain etc. and thats making it harder to deal with which is why Im pretty much keeping my mouth shut. I ate most my tea but started feeling pretty sick not long into it, it seems that this is pretty common with the level of pain Im dealing with. The worse it is the less I can eat it would seem. Im probably going to have an early morning drive for smokes, Im waiting for them to be an issue. Having tea outside took 20 questions, just Im having tea outside cause I obviously want to. Im going to post this, have a smoke and go to bed. My sister is still sitting dozing off an on, looking like a fair twat to be honest. Im over telling her to go to bed so Im not bothering, though she just about fell off the chair cause she fell asleep and startled herself and then giggled to herself, I just said to her, "would you like to go to bed now?" she just went and got a new drink. I seriously, WTF honestly.

I had a reasonable sleep last night. I woke up at about 2 for a short time then again at 4:30am. I went into town to get smokes and iced coffee, I think Ive nearly had my fill of that stuff. Its 5:30 now and I think Ill do an entry and go back to bed. Im awake but I could do with a couple more hours sleep. My back is sore but not too bad, compared to last night at least. My head hurts, like not a headache or anything just I know one is coming, Im thinking it could be a bad day for it today. I think the stuff I bought OTC for my back works pretty well, it heals a fair bit. Problem is you cant use it ongoing so I am using it sparingly.

Ive gotten migranes for as long as I remember. As a kid my Mum used to try and blame me eating too much chocolate as the reason. I think it was just a way of limiting how much chocolate I ate as Ive never found any evidence to corrolate my chocolate intake to migranes had. I do like chocolate and as a kid I probably did overdo it on more than one occasion, that said she would have had to buy it for me, early on at least. I still enjoy chocolate on occassion now, it doesnt cause migranes. Im absolutly positive that it was a thing to control my chocolate intake and my weight.

For a very over weight woman, who seriously cant manage her weight, food intake, what she eats etc she was and is very controlling and demanding of other peoples weight. The regularity in which she comments on my weight, what Im consuming and the little I do is really frustrating and Ive told her to stop, but she doesnt. The same person that had take away for I dont know how many times this week, that is putting on weight, she goes on about losing weight but its fluid from her legs, I almost guarentee for that 10kg loss there was a 12kg gain before it. She asked if we could notice the weight loss and I said no, my sister said its fluid, no ones gonna notice that. Though I lose a kilo and she thinks Ive put on weight. I base my weight loss on how much I weighed at the start of trying to lose weight, if I gain weight I dont count the subsequent weight loss as lost weight until its below where I was last. Im fat, I know I need to lose weight, reminding me and telling me that I shouldnt drink this or eat that doesnt help, Im likely to always eat or drink something I shouldnt atleast occassionally, I dont think that there is anything wrong with that.

My back isnt bad, bad but its not pleasent, its a bit before 7 and Im gonna lay down again for a while. Its early enough too that there wont be a stink about me going back to bed.

I went back to bed for a couple hours, I was in more pain when I got out than when I went in. Its rapidly getting worse as is the headache. Dad asked me what I was going to do today and I said very, very little. Its hard to do much with the pain Im in, though not understood.

I came down and had a smoke, my meds etc, while Dad is sitting in my seat not moving, he has done this a few times of late, I normally wait until he is ready to move, each time though he waits just a little longer, but this time I asked him to move. Now he called me useless, recently while waiting for the seat he called me not wanted. These are 2 things I have recently said I feel Mum and sister say about me, now he flat out goes and says it to my face.

He said to me a while ago that he feels bad that he didnt protect my sister from my Mum a long time ago before she tried to commit suicide. While Mum was saying things like she is going to have a break down and it was mine and his fault. I have told him that I am not coping with either my Mum or my sister, that their constant abusive behaviour is really getting to me and that I either leave or I end it, he new what I meant. Still he basically said that he didnt know what to do, essentially he wasnt going to do anything, and he hasnt. He has a second opportunity to prevent the hospitalisation of one of his children or potential death (Im ok at the moment) and he has just thrown his hands in the air). Not only that, seriously, you cant make this shit up, he is damn well joining in, making comments like useless and not wanted. Every opportunity he gets he makes my life just a little harder, he shows no respect, I have a drawer in the freezer for my meals, he knows its my drawer. Mum went shopping with him after they went to the doctors. He didnt stop her or minimise what she got and there wasnt enough room in the freezer, so he used my draw, which limits my ability to buy food for the following fortnight, he didnt ask, he didnt say anything to me, I found out when I went to get the next meal. If I get another order it will be my problem where it goes, my problem if there isnt enough room, my money if it spoils. If I dont get the order, Ill have to eat basically mac and cheese most nights, which amazingly I will get in shit for. I havent exactly worked out what Im going to do, but it does show how little he thinks of me. He has been talking to me again, primarily in the morning, but sometimes through out the day. Its all friendly and what not, general chit chat and mainly because he doesnt want to do anything, like work wise, not that he wants to actually talk to me. Im not dumb, they treat me as if I am, but Im not. He has no interest in actually talking to me, hes board, doesnt know what to do and he figures Im there. He wont speak to my sister much, thats more her talking and you listening and there is a good chance it will lead to you getting in shit for something. He knows he wont get in shit for anything he says to me cause I dont rank at all, but there is a good chance I will with what I say to him, so I am being somewhat guarded now. He slots in comments, little digs etc in amoungst that all and as a part of it, like we are friends and chummy chummy, but he is a snake and I know it. He is chosing not to do anything either because he doesnt care/care enough or he agrees. I think its a combination of both, I think he agrees and while its hurting me and causing me mental health issues, he doesnt care enough to step in and atleast try.

Ive been kinda just letting it go, not engaging and I think I will keep with this, if they dont engage me then I essentially wont engage them. I say random stuff, but Ive stopped saying good morning, how are you? etc They dont say those things to me, even when I ask, Im trying not to be overtly disrespectful but I am holding my tounge, if I dont see a point in talking or engaging Im just not. Im being really honest with myself and if I dont want to help, I dont want to do something or it will potentially will then Im not doing it. Mum asked me to wake her in the mornings again, it was a simple no and left sorta thing. Thats how I will handle stuff where I can. My sister was on about me peeing on the toilet floor, I stood up for myself and just didnt accept it. If she continues with it, I will simply not accept it and not engage. I wont have anything to do with it, unless I did or could have but as I say, I check my pee and I check the tablet and floor all by habit. After the carry on last time I was festidious about checking each and every time I went to the loo. I got so anxious about going to the toilet, I almost started permanately going to the toilet outside. I couldnt go to the loo without it being an issue, everytime and Mum was on her side. This time Im just not entering into it, at all. Im not going to feel bad about going to the toilet ever again. I think attacking at this spot is really low. One of the things with my sister is if you do something once, that she doesnt like, you have done it everytime since before you were born and she will keep the narrative going long after there is a problem, seemingly to show her power and ensure you dont forget.

If I am put into a position where I am unable to just walk away, it follows me, they wont stop or it goes through all the people in the house I will stand up for myself but I will try and keep it limited to the topic at hand. I want to stay away from things like them not caring, me feeling like I dont matter, all that sort of stuff. There is no point and will only open things to them denying, them saying how Im being ridiculous, overboard, oversensitive etc. Basically giveing them an opportunity to dismis and deminish my feelings as well. When I leave, if asked, which I may well not be, I will say about how they have done all they can to make me feel like I dont matter and Im just a piece of shit that owes money to them. Realistically, thats what much of me being home is about, that I owe them money, more so in my mind, Dad money, they said it was to help support and care for me but none of that has happened or is likely to happen, I get the opposite in fact, I think overall, it would have been financially unmanageable and I dont know what I would have done, but I think mental health wise I probably would have been better off staying out of home, God some days I think I would have been better off even if it led me to being homeless. I think the question that will be asked when I leave or the statement made more likely and from Mum is you cant leave you owe us money. I owe it to myself to get out of this manipulative house, to protect myself and get better mentally and physically. Currently, I dont have an out, Im effectively a prisioner, Id say stuck but I am being forced to stay here though that leverage is not having the same impact on me anymore. I am very much someone that likes to pay their debts and even after I leave, when I can (if) I will try and do so but Im not intending it to be my primary goal in life along side paying for and attending medical appointments and procedures and work. That isnt fufilling and pretty much what I have going on now. I am also not going to allow myself to be trapt in an abusive house to maybe pay a little more back quicker. If they all had been kinder, more understanding, easier to live with, if they cared for me and when it came to my health problems worked with me rather than try and hinder me or actually try to make it worse and more difficult then staying longer might have been an option, but they have all made the active decision not to do any of that but the opposite so realistically the only ones they can put blame on is themselves. When it comes to an ongoing relationship, the lack of it going forward, the same thing applies. People normally dont act like they act to other people. They dont normally attempt to destroy and tear you down. People who are your family, your parents and sister really shouldnt treat their family, their son, their brother like that and make out like they arent. Its abusive, thats all there is to it and there is nothing worth staying in an abusive situation for.

I never understood why people stay in violent and abusive situations, it didnt make sense to me. But here I am in one for like most of my life and I run away, but willingly or sorta forced to come back. I think growing up in it, I just didnt know any better, it was just how things were. There was home life without people around and home life with people around, each had its down side, life without people around I dont think had much of an upshot. It hasnt really changed since I was young. Now I just avoid being around if other people are here, Ill just be asked to make coffee, family will be different, they act different, its as if they are nice and caring, its an act they put on and I dont want to be involved in that anymore. But growing up thats what we were shown to be normal, I learnt to put on a social face when around people. I still do it, I meet with doctors and support people etc. and I change, Im different, the level of pain is hidden, the sadness I feel, the depression is hidden, especially if I am meeting them for the first time or I am getting used to them. Im kinda feeling pretty comfortable with my GP and starting to let her see the real me but in general there is a face that I learnt to wear when I was young and I still wear it with almost everyone. Im even starting to wear a face at home. This stuff was normal to me, I left home and joined a church, soon going into leadership. That face became more important than ever, when out with church people, at church etc you were who you were expected to be. I think it was when I left the church that my world view, including that of my family and home started to fall apart. When I moved home and the old treatment, the old ways of trying to wear me down etc started again, I knew it wasnt right but I had no other options, I had to live there and just deal with it. I turned a blind eye to what was being done, for the most part, there were outbursts but I accepted that there was nothing I could do, there was no where I could go, no one was going understand me or even believe me. I was trapt physically, mentally and emotionally and I wasnt even conciously aware, I put my head in the sand, there was nothing I could do and who I was became the decision of others. One day I started to wake up, I started to realise then the stuff with my sister happened and I was sucked back in, it didnt take long after she got home for it to be really pushed to the front of my mind, it became a bit of an obsession that turned from thinking to action. Ive reached out to private avenues that I might be able to use to escape. I cant save anything at the moment, Im lucky to make it through the month for the time being. That will change with giving up smoking and going back to work but when those things happen I will be putting money into saving to leave not repay debt. Im pretty certain that I will put a claim into the EAF for me not my sister first, Im hoping I can get a grant for DFV through them, that will really will help me escape.

During this time I will keep in contact with my financial counsillor, we have been in contact with my creditors and have tried to orgnaise something that works but so far moritoriums, that kinda puts off things but gives me a break. Going forward we will tell the creditors about the abuse etc. Ideally, they will waive the debts but I doubt it will happen so I will need to be prepared and work with the financial councillor to apply for bankruptcy, either way I have to resolve, once and for all, my finacial debts.

I decided to have a lay down, again not so much a nap situation, just lay down and have, hopefully, a break from the pain, spasms. Im tired, but not really sleep tired just over it tired, worn out from the daily pain etc. Im feeling pretty down today, I dunno what it is, maybe its thinking about all this shit, maybe its the pain, the spasms, I think its a bit on top of me today. So I wanted to just lay down and have a break, turns out that cant happen, turns out I just spasm and carry on, or the pain increases cause of the way Im laying, or how I end up after a decent spasm. I dont think I lasted long in bed, I changed position a few times and couldnt land a decent spot and I had less spasms sitting up than laying down. Im so frustrated, so annoyed, Im so over the spasms, pain isnt great, pain I dunno I can kinda deal with it better than the spasms. Spasms are just so infuriating and they are painful and they increase your existing pain but you just cant settle, and yes I get twitches, but thats not what Im talking about. This is like Im being hit by lightening in the lumber area (mainly) and the whole body moves, your torso and head lift up, and generally just one of my legs kicks out. You just cant get comfortable, lay in one spot and rest for a bit. I dont know how I end up falling asleep with all the carry on, I think the tiredness overwhelms everything else and I just pass out for a while, however Im laying.

Ive just looked at my account, its like the 12th today and I dont get paid again until the 27th. I have a couple of doctors appointments, a specialist appointment just this week. Ive got another appointment on the 27th, which I can cancel if I have to but kinda need it. Food, fuel etc I dunno how I will do it. I might have to see if Dad will help me out with the specialist, its for my bladder cancer so I suspect he will. Ive only got a couple smokes left and its 3:30pm, given my mood, pain, spasms, just generally how I am today thats not going to be near enough but it will have to be the last pack, I just cant afford it. This getting paid monthly is horrible, additionally the health costs.

I have a telehealth appointment with my pain specialist tomorrow morning, I am really hopeful that he has something helpful to say and can actually do something about the spasms. This stuff I got from the chemist is ok, it helps but its not a long term solution, it can only be used a few days at a time, which given my situation, just isnt long enough, I need something I can take for a couple weeks because Im sure after the next procedure its going to continue to be an issue. Going on track record he will come through with something, only hassle I see is getting the script to me, he might be able to fax it to the chemist or he will send a letter to my GP and get them to prescribe it, which wont be until Thursday, which I probably am ok with tomorrow, but today really shits me off.

The pain is really increasing, its even hurting to breath in. I wanted to pop into the servo, get some smokes. Sister says to see if Mum wants anything, clearly Mum does so why not say that outright but that meant walking all the way down to her room, she wants smokes to so I got her card. I dont seem to be able to just go anywhere without having to get someone something as well. I realised when I was walking to the car I needed fuel as well. So a quick trip turned into a rather big annoyance. Im home, obviously, I got Mums smokes but havent taken them down there yet, I need a rest first. I got to feed the damn dogs as well shortly. We have no dog food, I told Dad we needed more yesterday but I dont think he has. We have chicken necks, like 2 packs and some puppy dry food. I think a mixture of the two will have to do for tonight. Dad goes and gets the dog food generally, I cant, to heavy for me. But that also tells me that he pays for the dog food. So not only doesnt my sister pay board or for most her food, she doesnt even pay for her dog's food. Im not allowed to have a dog, I cant be responsible for a dog. My sister has 2, she doesnt feed them, I do, she doesnt pay for their food, unless its special food, she doesnt take them to the vet, Dad generally does that, there is bugger all training happening. Responcibility, Im not responcible enough and she is. We saw it with the first Dog she got, but still allowed her to get another one, I didnt even know until a day before it arrived. Its almost exactly the same as Mum, except my sister actually spends time with her dogs. Dads pretty sick of the, as am I, but they just came running flat stick in the back door when I came home and ran into what he was doing, he had the mop and bucket out and they knocked everything over, water went everywhere. He was pretty unimpressed.

Mum has apparently organised a heap more stuff to buy, Dad's said he's not doing it, so another fight and shit from/with Mum. My sister is down with Mum at the moment, that could mean that Im about to be in shit for something as well. Im kinda certain Im gonna be told to collect the shit, which will be an emphatic no. I dont have the energy and Im not in the mood for it. Ive told her, very plainly and clearly that everyone is sick of going and picking up stuff from Buy Swap Sell but she persists in buying stuff and telling us to go get it. I really hope, my sister being down there at the moment, that she is not telling Mum that she will go get it.

I can not tell what mood Dad is in, he seems ok but pretty grumpy and quite snappy. Im pretty well keeping clear of him as best I can, I dont know what im gonna get from him today. My sister seems ok, but with her she can go from seeming to be ok to ripping your head off and crapping down you neck in a heart beat. She keeps you on your toes, moods change rapidly and often, its not just happy to killer in seconds, its the reverse, you can still be feeling like she is holding your still beating heart in one hand and chewing on a mouthful, she has changed tracks and is joking and laughing. Seriously I dont know whats wrong with her, how she can change mood so quickly and so often. It amazes me.

Im thinking about taking my night meds shortly and trying to get some sleep or atleast lay down for a while, I dont know if I will get any actual sleep but I really need to lay down for a bit. I dont know if you have ever been that way, that you just need to lay down. Im just need to rest. I kinda figure if I take my night meds and the OTC stuff, I might be able to lay still for an hour or two if not doze off for a bit. Im so worn out today, being in pain is tiring, having spasms almost constantly really wears you down, constant migrane/headache things frustrates you no end. Then add all the family shit, all the comments and attitude and financial issues. Today I am just so I dunno, Im worn out but its more than that. Im not ready to give up, just stop and rest for a long time.

I was gonna stop there and have my night meds, which Ive done, a smoke and then lay down. But as Im getting organised, my sister says do you want anything, I said what and she said Carls. She, and therefore Mum are having Carls Jnr for tea and they actually asked me if I wanted something. But, again another night with fast food. I mean their chelesterol must be going through the roof. I seriouly dont get it, how can you do it, litterally how do you physically eat fast food basically everynight. Its not a recent thing it been going on for ages. Here's the kicker, 3 fridges and 2 freezers and they are full of food that Mum bought and my sister bought that they dont eat.

I did lay down for about about an hour and a half. The night meds have definately kicked in, though not overly tired. But my back spasms have died down a considerable amount, the pain has settled a bit and the pain when breathing heavy has stopped. The pain in breathing isnt my chest it sorta the sides of my lower chest and wrapping around my back.

For a long while I have had a lump, like a size of a small pea, on my scrotum. I went to the doctor to get it checked out ages ago, he said it was a cyst but its steadily been growing, it actually grew a bit more rapidly recently and changed size, kind of like oblong but with more shapped ends. When I see the male doctor I see and have some time available in the appointment Ill have to get it checked again. I dont think its a cycts, its hard but springy, doesnt feel puss filled at all. I dont think its like a tumor or at least if it is it would be benign, most are and I already have cancer and diagnosed recently so it would be so incredibly unfair for me to have another type of cancer already, theres no way.

Ive stopped telling my family about whats going on medically/mental health wise, I said to Dad a couple of days ago, about the wonky, dizzy feeling I was getting and his answer was to keep an eye on it. Now, thats all we could do but it was the way it was said like FFS leave me alone, like he wasnt at all interested. Its no point telling Mum or my sister, they dont believe me, I dont know that Dad even does, he might and probably is in agreement with their way of thinking. So telling anyone isnt really worth it or a ligitament option. So I just dont.

I went back to bed Im not sure what time, but woke up again a bit after 1 in lots of pain again. It had died down a bit from the meds but it didnt last a long time. I dont want to be up too long, just have a drink and go back to bed, but we will see how that goes. I come down though and the kitchen door is open again, I have this feeling that it gets opened not long after Dad goes to bed and the air con is set to 28. Both things we (Dad and I) have said shouldnt happen as it will cause the air con to work to hard for to long and eventually the air con will stop working, but the moment she can get away with it, she does it anyhow. Its actually really cold in the kitchen, no matter what you do or think its not going to heat the whole house. Even with the evidence of it not doing it, ie its cold through out the house now she will persist because how dare you tell me what to do with shit you bought for the family. I keep thinking I dont know why it bugs me so much, I mean it will probably last until after the house is sold so not our problem but if we treated anything she bought the same way there would be all mighty hell to pay. Again it goes back to entitlement, I know better, Ive decided your wrong with essentially no evidence other than I dont want you to be right.

I just got told how about you stop acting like a stoned C word and go to bed. That was because I was dozing a bit. This coming from sleeping beauty across the table day and night. Ive been through it with her before that when I get up at night I need to sit for a bit because of my back but I cant seem to get that through her head. And whats it to her if Im dozing a bit or even a lot, Im not injuring her, like there is no impact on her what so ever. I get grumpy with her because she complains about being exhusted all the time, how she doesnt get any sleep and everyone has to be extra patient what ever with her, she needs help to live blah blah blah.

I just found out how much my Urologist is $220 and I get like $80 back from medicare. I got doctors, normal consult and thats like $90 with $40 back and then another doctors, long consult that will be $140, think I get like $80 back. I havent got near enough money for all that, I thought I did but I spent more than I thought. Thankfully my pain specialist appointment today is bulk billed. Seriously this medical stuff is gonna break me. Im still waiting on a reply from both EAF and Vanessa to my emails last Thursday maybe Friday. I dont know how to make $3300 last a month, not with all the medical costs. Im really trying to quit smoking, that will make a big difference, its so expensive. Ive cut down heaps but I just need to stop. For no other reason than how much its costing me. Stress doesnt help though, I mean the lack of money, Dad is struggling to be able to help, a good reason for that is all the money Mum and my sister are spending. They dont have to pay it back though, they just spend on crap, what ever they want and Dad cops it. Im spending on medical stuff, I know there is other shit, but a lot on medical and Im struggling to get money and I have to pay it back. I didnt ask for this shit, I know its seen as a cop out but I didnt ask to be born, I was not intentional, but still, I didnt ask for any of this, they decided to have sex, they decided to keep me. Now just because Im an "adult" they want to wash their hands clean and its up to me to deal with it all. I mean they are helping but the level of help between members of my family, I am held far more responsible for everything than anyone else, except Dad but he holds me to a higher standard than Mum and my sister. The child that was a "suprise", I really struggle not to make a corrolation between how I am treated and the fact that I wasnt intended to happen. I really dont know why, I was unintentional, why like why did that even happen, they werent trying, they probably were'nt even ready for a kid. But why did the universe decide to go ahead with me, to have me in pain and suffering and broke and treated like shit.

I just got off the phone to my pain specialist, he said nothing they could give me would help before the procedure so there isnt much point to it. So I have 8 days more of spasms almost constantly, more intense pain, seriously, it doesnt sound like a long time but its an eternity when you're in pain. Im tired as shit, just constantly tired, worn out. I dont have anything to compare it too, I dont have an example what its like to be in my body. It strips all feelings of pleasure, anything that makes you feel good. I cant even get excited about the surgery coming up, maybe I will when it gets closer though I didnt last procedure. I really need an end to it all, I mean like procedure.

I mention it here and there but I really struggle with SI. It plays on my mind heaps. Ive learnt that one of my medications, crushed, will have pretty bad consequnces, like enough of it and that will be that. I havent gotten close, Ive had really intense thoughts and mental conversations about it. Ive pretty much figured that if I did it late at night, when I woke up and my sister had gone to bed. We have a morter and pestle thing to do the crushing. But, I suppose I am holding out for the procedure. Im holding out to see if I can escape the pain, the abuse, the BS that I am dealing with. No one sees it, no one understands it. My family, I dont know they, I dont know, ignore, dismiss, diminish, something and its like Im not really in pain, Im not really suffering mentally, they are being abusive, its like everything I feel, all my emotions, they dont count, they dont matter. In the scheme of our household I just dont matter, I dont rate as important. It would be nice to feel like I was important to someone, that how I feel, my pain etc mattered. I kinda feel like I want someone to share in it, someone that I can talk to freely and not feel judged or like its gonna be used against me. Id like someone I can talk to and if I get angry and say something I dont mean or something mean, it is not something held against me for the rest of my life. I cant talk openly with my support people, I dont know them well enough, I dont trust them. I was pretty open with Vanessa in an email last week and I still havent heard back from her. Im not sure if I have over stepped with her but I felt she needed to know the circumstances. We have just had a long weekend so I am hoping thats it.

Every now and then I do get asked how I am but not like you alright? Not like with concern but an accusation, "Whats wrong?" and you know she just wants to put a now on the end. Whats wrong? Like I am impacting her life and making things harder for her. Like I might take some attention away from her. I mean generally Im sitting quietly, I might groan and carry on a bit but Im just quietly on my side. I might go lay down every now and then, not a daily thing anymore but again, its out of the way. Realistically, I am out her way most the time. I get her smokes when she asks, so long as she gives me her card. I feed her dogs. I take out the trash and the recycling. All of which are out her way, most of the time done not even when she is home. So I dont understand why I get "What's wrong" like an accusational thing. I dont get why, after all I did to help her recently, she cant show a tiny bit compassion and care for me. Its almost like I am being blamed for how I am and they feel justified in being arseholes about it because I am the reason for my position.

Dad is getting pretty jack of it all, he still hasnt been paid back the $90 she owes him. He has paid her back like $25k in the past 9 months, 6 of which she was in hospital for. How the hell she spent $25k being in hospital for 6 months of it and not talking to Mum, who she is apparently buying stuff for. I really dont want to believe it or even think it, but there must be something dodgy going on and with Mum behind her she is going to get away with it. Mum is completely blinded by regaining her relationship with my sister, she was previously blinded by maintaining the relationship. In general she is blinded by having and maintaining the relationship with my sister, above and beyond everything else. So for the most part, barring any exceptional circumstances my sister gets her way, complete with the backing of Mum who will put in full swing her brand of torture on Dad until he gives in or starts having goes at me to do as my sister says.

Dad went and picked up cupboards this morning, for my sister. He was in the lounge, sister was in the kitchen, Mum was in her room. Mum rang Dad to tell him to come to her, to tell him that sister wanted the the cupboard. He then had to go back to my sister to get the details etc. who made it as difficult as possible to get that information. Then it was if my sister doesnt use the cupboards, Mum will. I do get the feeling that its a ploy for Mum to get cupboards. Either that its to give Mum more ammunition to use against Dad when he says he wont pick something up for Mum. I wish we would stop picking up stuff for anyone. Why the hell does either of them need new cupboards, why do we need to rearrange everything every couple months, just set up your room, put your shit in it and be done with it. If you have too much stuff, sell it, throw it away, dont put it in communal spaces, dont think you own the whole freaking house, that every space is yours and we are just in the fn way. We are not just here to maintain your lifestyle. To clean the house and yard so you can do what ever it is you are doing. We are not here to serve at your whim, its the same as Mum. Dads down in her room cleaning her room because all the sudden she cant do it herself, though she was doing it herself for a long time. Again, Dad and I are here to serve more than anything else. They can do what they like, when they like but Dad and I are expected to be along side them, supporting and maintaining.

I went into town, I decided on another pack of smokes, I wasnt gonna be able to do today without them. Yesterday I had 1/2 a tacnk of fuel, I get into the car, seats all the way forward and straight upright, fix the seat and turn on the car and I have 1/4 a tank, picking up the cupboard apparently happened in the Rav and Dad didnt see fit to put in some replacement fuel for what he used, doesnt matter that I had put in enough fuel to get me to and from the Urologist, no now I have to come up with some more money for more fuel.

A short while after I got home my sister got home. I didnt say anything, I dont feel the need to say hello, good bye, good morning etc. etc. anymore. I have quieted down a lot, I dont have anything to say to anyone really, so why say anything at all. Then I got hello *my name* in a very abrupt and stern voice. I said Hi. I got the whats wrong with you. I just said nothing. A comment was made about a stick up my arse. I ignored that. She doesnt want me to tell her whats wrong, if she does actually want to tell her, its to tell me Im wrong or minmise, failing that it will be to get over it, something to say or indicate that she has it far worse. She is feeling better obviously, she has been with a support person and they have obviously cheered her up, so I should be happy as well, I shouldnt bring her down. Its not about how I am, its about not impacting her, about me controlling my emotions (where she cant) and just not seeming that I am anything but supportive of how she is at any point in time.

I am really low today, pain is ok, I mean in comparision to normal, but its still sore just not ready to rip my spine out my body. Ive been getting progressively more and more low over the past little while, which probably comes out in my writing. Im finding it hard to deal with the increased constant pain, having a few days off after the past procedure was nice but it made me realise what I dont have and while its only a few weeks between that and the procedure and only a week or so to go its still hard, its still a real struggle. Im tired, Im really tired and worn out, its like a huge weight around my neck, wrists and ankles, dragging behind me, making it so difficult to do anything, to move, to function. Mentally Im drained, my mental health is suffering, its not just about psychotic features, the depression is pretty bad at the moment. I didnt shower yesterday, Im gonna try today. I dare say the tiredness and SI is associated with the depression. My anxiety has its moments, Im a lot calmer in general than I was, but I get sudden rises in anxiety, my heart flips out and goes flat out, breathing becomes rapid, I get warm, slightly hot and a bit weird in the head, like hazy. My mind is slowing down, Ive not go much going on internally. Its like taking a bath, everything just chills out, but what is going on is really negative, I have a very negative skew on life and everything I see and hear. But at the same time, it is quite possible and more than likely that I am not seeing things negatively, they are just shit.

I was contemplating laying down for a bit but got sent into the chemist for scripts for Mum. The amount of time I spend at the chemist you would think they would ask someone else. They won't ask my sister that would be too much for her, besides that she came home from her support person, took the opportunity to kick me while Im down and promptly left without saying anything. I thought she had gone down to Mum. It wasn't until Dad went looking for her I realised she had left. Having a dig at me about saying hello she can't even say that she's leaving.

Im home, I normally feed the dogs at 4, its 3:30 but they might have to wait tonight, I really need to lay down. I just dont have any energy for anything. Im so flat, like coyote under the rock flat.

I laid down for like 45 minutes, my head feels a bit better, like pressure has been released. But I get out of bed and the dogs are wet and dirty and Dad says not to let the dogs out as he is mopping the floor. Like it is my fault and responsibility to manage the dogs coming in and out of the house. Im the only one that brings them in when its raining, my sister just sits there. Then I got from her that I can let them out in the morning but bring them back in and shut the flap if Im going back to bed, I didnt say a word to either. Im sick of the dogs, like seriously sick of the dogs, they arent fn mine, Im about to get up and feed them and now Im supposed to be in charge of them going in and out the house, my sister was home, I was laying down. They can jam it up their collective arses, they can watch the ins and outs of the dogs coming in and out. Ive done it because I go and have a smoke and to be nice about things, but I start getting blamed for dogs acting like dogs and no one else being able to do anything about anything with them, Im done.

Interesting thing, both Dad and I are in pretty lousy moods, Dads just had to clean Mums room which means he just spent a few hours getting told how awful and useless he is, I do feel for him on this stuff. She is down right cruel to him. But my sister is in the best mood she has been in for weeks.

The lay down helped but Im still in pain and it didnt take long for the pressure in my head to return. My back is just on fire, the lower back mainly, Im trying to feed the dogs, Im havinng a break and she asks for a towel to dry her puppy, I was going to the toilet. She couldnt get up and get a towel, she waited until I was going up there, as she knew I would be and asked me to do it. Im struggling with my back, Im clearly not in a good mood, which any person with any understanding and sympathy could assume and be atleast partially correct has something to do with my back, so it would be nice, it would be kind not to add to my movements or things I needed to be involved in, you might even chose to leave me alone as thats clearly what I want tonight. She asked me again what wrong with you? I said to just leave it. There was a bunch of mumbling and I just ignored it and kept doing the dogs.

Thats the thing, my sister feels she has a right to know why Im not in a good mood. Its kinda rare that I show it, most days Im not in a good mood but I just smile and make stupid cracks and talk. Im just over that today, I dont want to talk, I dont want to be involved in anything, I just want to be left alone. I think Ive said like 10 words all day and that seems like too many. I dont know that I will be late out of bed, not sure, if I do its more so because I want to get away from everyone. I would love a space in the house away from everyone where there is a aircon and just left the hell alone. Im so tired of trying to pretend that I am better than I am and when I dont being quizzed multiple times as to why I am not acting like life is roses. I think thats part of the, or most of the reason she has an issue with me writing this. She doesnt know what Im writing and she cant just ask to read it. Sometimes I think that it would be good for them all to read it, but they would have to read the whole thing which they wouldnt, they would get to the first few grrs at one of them and they would be down having a go at me, only having read 1/2 the story, not even 1/2 and flying off the handle and not understanding the full story.

My sister is spending increasing time talking to Mum, they arent fighting, I havent gone down to Mum crying over something my sister has said in quite a while. They seem to be back to their old ways, my sister sees the benefit of having Mum on side more than Dad or I. After the months Dad and I spent with my sister with her saying how much she hated Mum, how she was the cause of her being in hospital and her trying to take her life, that her sending my sister to pick stuff up constantly and demanding so much of her. Smashing her hand(s) into walls and floors, having to have x-rays multiple times, burning her arms, alot of the time Mum was the reason. Now, she spends quite a bit of time with her, buys her meals again, to the best of my knowledge has picked stuff up for her, bringing her stuff you know back to normal. Its kinda a kick in the guts, Mum didnt help at home or come see her, Dad and I did, I busted my balls to be there for my sister and she treats me like crap, Dad like crap and wonders why we are not all over her trying to help her with stuff and telling her how much we love her and how awesome she it. This Family Meeting where everything is supposed to come out is going to be interesting. Mum wants an overview before she goes, wants to know what she is walking into, which is fair enough. Both Dad and I have said that its up to my sister, its her show, she made that clear but now she tells Mum that she doesnt know why Dad or I wont tell her, its a family thing. Im not saying shit to Mum and I have the feeling that Dad is of the same opinion. If my sister doesnt give my sister something I wonder if she will even go. Its pretty telling that my sister wont talk to my Mum before the meeting, if Dad or I go in and say anything, no matter what we will just be stepping on a land mine and it will only get worse at the meeting. Its not going to go well this meeting, I keep changing my mind as to if I go or not, Im going to drive myself, if she starts with word play and backing out of what she has said and saying how she didnt say all the shit she said then I can leave. I dont feel like getting in a fight, to being trodden down on, to being treated like my feelings are just a stepping stone, particularly in front of people. I am almost certain thats the way its gonna go and Im not interested in being there if thats the case. If she does do what I suspect she will it will negate everything me and every other person who has tried to help and support her over the past months. It will mean that me pushing myself to breaking point mentally meant nothing and means nothing to her, though I think thats the case anyhow, it will just solidify my feelings. The only reason I intend on going is to know what happens, not from another person but right in front of me. Part of me wants to be there to defend myself, to correct the lies and BS but at the same time I know that what ever I say wont matter, Mum will take my sisters side pretty much no matter what. Though it will be interesting if my sister goes ahead and actually tells Mum the truth and really lays it on the line. Mum will try and defend herself and she will be really hurt. She may walk out. Im really not sure how its gonna go down but it wont go down well that Im sure of.

If my sister and Dad did the things I started doing a long time ago and what I told them to do, boundries, No and walk out etc. we probably wouldnt have got into this position. Like I dont really think its 100% my Mums fault, sure Mum kept pushing, asking more and more of them, and me but not getting anywhere really. If someone can ask you for something and you do it and then repeatedly do it, they will keep asking and asking more of you. If you are too chicken shit, unable to stand up for yourself, Etc then your kinda needing to take some of the responsibility yourself. I can learn from this too as I should have retreated a long time ago in regards to my sister. As much as she needed me she took advantage of that as well and if she continues down the path she is, she will really be taking advantage of me and the situation. Thing is I dont deal terribly well with being taken advantage of. That might be the nail in the coffin.

Dad said today about my sister getting her stuff for her house so she can get on the list to get a Housing SA house. This really seems a focus for her, which is amazing that she has persisted with it so long. She did get the stuff herself even after going on at Dad to get it. It shows she can actually do it she just doesnt want to. Anyhow, Dad said it was his job to teach us how to do this stuff for ourselves, to live alone. It would seem that Dad's teaching method is to throw you in the deep end, tie a weight to your leg and tell you to swim. He tells you what you need but not how to actually achieve it, like he will even act dumb about where to go to get the stuff. Its like my finances, Im told how bad I am with them but no one shows me another way, the only other way to deal with my finances is for them to take over. Thats what they do, do it right, we wont show you what that is or we will take over. It like when they moved me to their rental place and then moved me home. I didnt get living alone in their house right, they didnt/wouldnt help me even though I was probably incompetent, at least most of the time, so they took over and brought me under their roof so they could "help" me. But again, they didnt, they stuck me in a room 1/2 full of their stuff that was only meant to be a small office, then imposed their way of existing on me and made me pay back what I owed them as quickly as possible, which has been their way of things for the last I dont know how many years. If they had stepped in while I was in their property and helped, actually helped. Talked to me and found out what was going on with me, tried to understand me. If they had done that at anytime, particularly while I was in their property things may have turned out very different. I might not have gotten into debt with them and a cycle of being in debt with them. There again, if at anytime they realised that I was in a cycle of debt with them that was stopping me getting out from underneath them. Ive had a lot of stuff happen over the years, Ive had many things cost me a great deal of money, Ive never been on massive income, enough to get by on but not like massive. Then add massive medical bills and the like and its difficult. Have large debt with parents who arent after a payment plan, they are after every unspent dollar you can pay. I mean I had it in my head to pay as much as possible to get out from under them as quickly as possbile. Problem is at no point did I have the money to put anything behind me, I mean I stuggled to get money together for birthday and Chrismas presents let alone new tech (laptops etc.) for myself even when I did it was a bit of a thing because that money could be used to pay them back a bit more. I swear a big reason why Dad is so keen for me to stop smoking is that I might be able to pay him more. I know Im not talking about small amounts of money and they have their own costs, but if they looked at any of my debts Ive had with them as purely medically based and treated me the same way they do my sister and cut me a break and let me actually get on my feet again and start putting something behind me. I know, at least for Mum but likely for Dad, they see me as blowing my payout. It was a reasonable amount of money and I chose to use it to try and have my dream of my own business, they saw my use of that money as a waste. That I shouldnt have used the money for that and I should have used it for a house deposit of something. I never wanted to own a house, its not my thing. I, especially since my Brief Psychotic Break dont like unwarrented or unneeded responcibility, I dont want marriage or a relationship in general, I dont want to own a house, I really dont want kids, but that partially is for many other reasons. Its not that I dont want responsibility, its just something like a house is a lot of responsibility, renting isnt and I dont see the need to have unneeded responsibility. Its not like even if you buy a house you settle down, I couldnt tell you how many times I have moved.

I will mention that my parents place they moved me too was more in rent than where I was, Mum wanted me closer to them so they could help. She would cook me meals and what not which never happened. Thats not what broke me, being on a huge dose of a particular medication which left me pretty well messed up. I wasnt working, I was on SCI, that was because mentally I wasnt good at all, add the medication, which I needed, I was unable to work out life in general. So when it came to money, I was absolutly hopeless. I didnt have the energy to cook, to do anything so take away was really common. I spent money kinda flipantly, I didnt buy anything of substance that I can think of.

Here's the thing with relationships for me, one Im not interested in sex, most people are, most people like sex and I dont want to be compelled into that. Add to that I am not a romantic person which most women like. I dont like the idea of all the work involved in keeping a relationship, especially when I cant see whats in it for me. I dont think Id make a good partner either, Im to not self involved but Im not, currently at least, interested in taking on the needs, wants and issues of another person. Besides all that, the people I have to base a relationship on are less than stellar models and the relationships I have with them is less than ideal.

The reason I dont want kids, well I dont like the idea of a relationship and additional responsibility is one major thing. But I dont want to do the same thing my parents did to me. Have a kid because its what you do or what ever reason you have, its pretty much a selfish move whatever reason you give. Then you shove them into a world of pain, suffering and heart ache. You watch over them for a few years and then you let them off into this world to suffer for themselves, but you're at home to comfort them. Then next thing, your 18 and ties are cut, you're expected to stand on your own two feet. Your just supposed to know how the world works and where you fit in it. God forbid you get sick and need care. God forbid you need support. After long enough those parents that thrust you into the world they do what they have to but your left swinging as much as anything. Now I would like to think that I would do things different but I dont have the money, the resources to support a child, nor one into adulthood. I dont know what the hell Im doing or where I fit in. How could I impart wisdom on life onto a child when I have none to give.

I will clarify about parents doing the minimum to support thing. Dad has supported as best he can, he has his hands tied by finanaces and Mum/sister spending. Hes no longer working, hes retired, currently has no income until pension or whatever kicks in, I dont understand why but its the case. I cant help but think if the shoes were on my sister, the lending money thing would be different. If the amount of money being spent by Mum/sister was different I might be looked at differently. Finance is a difficult thing, it causes a lot of stress, Dad is directed what to give my sister, if my sister asks or tells him that he owes money to her and he questions it she goes to Mum and Mum tells Dad just to pay it. Dad is left stressed and my sister has a new car but still quite a decent amount of money in her account. Dad then has less expendable money to help me but my sister is pretty set. Dad takes me without question to procedures. Dad is a lot like me or vice versa, he is not great at the emotional support, hes not great at being there for you. Do something yes. He will sit and listen. But he feels trapt too and cant/wont do anything to support me if Mum might be against it and when it comes to money and me she is against me getting even being lent anything. She is of the opinion that I should have so much money behind me, how I dont know, that I should just be able to afford all this medical stuff. You know even if I had money behind me it would be gone dealing with just last year. Mum hardly ventures out her room, she doesnt talk to me about how Im going either pain, mentally, dealing with my sister, anything. Mum is not interested in me in any way, wholly and soley fixated on my sister. My sister, she can be supportive, but its only for a short period of time and its not without conditions. Behind the scenes though and believing that I dont know about it, there is a lot of stabbing me in the back with Mum. Thing is I dont really trust any of them any more and if they did show some compassion and sympathy before or after a procedure then I immediatly think what are they playing at. How am I getting screwed over. Because it doesnt stop when your in pain, suffering, sick whatever. Im pathetic, Im lying, Im just carrying on, etc that doesnt stop for much of anything.

I know Im depressed. Showering is impossible again. Hopefully I will tomorrow. Getting the energy to do anything, OMG. Everything is so hard to do, so hard to get motivated for. Even eating is a chore. I just want to lay down, sleep, ignore everything. SI is full on. I almost dont see the point in the procedure. Its money Im borrowing again, just putting me further in debt just to be out of pain. At the same time, Im pretty sick of the pain and I know thats a big part of the depression. I imagine once the pain is managed that the depression will subside a fair bit.

The pain is intense in different spots my lumbar is really bad, shoulder blades are incredibly painful so are my shoulder, my right one is really bad, moving it in any fashion it kinda sends me through the roof. My back in general hurts but not as intensly as those spots. Clearly my minds not doing well, Im really not sure what to do about it at the moment, Im just trying to steer clear of the SI thoughts. Spasms arent bad but I do expect that they will amp up when I go to bed, which Im doing really soon.

Ive woken up at a bit after 1am, really kinda desperate to pee. Ive been sleeping really light, had a few intense dreams but you know dont remember what they were about anymore. Life is still playing on my mind, dating my ex-girlfriend, where I grew up. Stuff I can not possibly change now and while I should have seen the light mush sooner with my ex, its part of what makes me me now and thats the end of it.

Im still in a fair mood, like when I came down my sister was up again still, I really dont see the point in saying anything, if she wasnt to start a conversation or make a comment then fine but why am I saying hello or similar after sleeping for a few hours? Im probably going to be on the recieving end of words from Mum because Im being rude or Im just not talking to my sister. Truth is Im not really talking to anyone, even when I went to the shops it was enough words to be polite but that was it. And its about all Im doing, enough words to be polite or at least unoffenceive. Talking leads me to trouble and not talking will too shortly Im sure but at least with not talking the ammunition to use against me is limited. I think thats where Im at, limiting the ammunition people have to use against me, while maintaining my personal boundries and what I think is right. I dont know that I have a "code" as such, but I have a pretty refined position as to what I think is right and wrong and that doesnt typically follow social norms. Im very much on the equality thing, men and women should be treated as equals without favouritism to one party or the other however women are favoured in different areas, child custody, divorce etc. where men are favoured in different areas. I dont understand the jobs/promotions favouritism claim myself as Ive never seen or experienced it. Where I work you earn an amount based on the grade you are but packages that go above the grade system I dont know about. I dont think setting goals for a certain number or percentage of women on a board or in certain positions are the way about it, I think thats a form of discrimination given a man might be better suited or qualified than the woman who gets it based upon gender. I dont know what the answer is for equality in that area but men should still be given equal footing to women even if it means corporations dont meet their gender targets.

In my family, it would appear that, you are very much discriminated against based on your gender. Mum is very against the typical gender roles and cant see why males cant help inside the house, which I agree with completely, however I also believe women should work, contribute to the house hold, help outside and the like. Thing is Mum doesnt think men should be only outside but inside as well, so that she does not have to do either. Neither my Mum or my sister work, their contributions are minimal. Mine are too at the moment Im not oblivious to this but I have a particular issue happening and will return to my normal contributions soon. I dont understand if my sister can basically be out every day picking stull up for her and Mum, shopping, driving around etc. how she cant find a suitable job for her to support herself with. Like, I couldnt do what she does and I have a job, granted the conditions in which I work have been tailored to me a bit. But there must be something she can do if she can do what she does and she has the ordacity to question why Im not working because I write this dribble. Atleast I have the goal to return to work, she has given up on that and is content to sit on DSP and support from th government. Then complain that she isnt being given enough support at home, that she hasnt caught enough breaks because she survives on the pension, that doctors dont discount for DSP etc. Yes your on a limited income, you can work atleast a little bit if you chose too and still keep your DSP. You do get a health care card, which if I had it would save thousands a year. I only earn on average $700 more than you a fortnight, which given the benefits from the family and the government you get makes us not that far apart, only I go and put in the hours for what I make. The attitude at home between the pair of us when it comes to money is miles apart and Mum is very much of the opinion that Dad should support you more because you're only on a pension, except new car, and I know you have a considerable amount of money in the bank because I know how much Dad "paid you back" recently. I work and deal with things pretty much on my own, excluding borrowing from Dad to pay back. You are on a pension and have far more than me. You cant convince me that its better financial management because you buy so many nick knacks and trinkets, rings, stationary you name it. The amount of money spent at Drakes to be able to collect water bottles, I know you billed that to Dad, unnessecary purchases to make the $50 amount needed to get a water bottle. You have them now, you have the ones you wanted and yet I dont see you using them, I dont see you enjoying them. You had that, you spent the money for them and billed Dad. What did I have, I was having procedures and borrowing the money from Dad to pay for them. The more you waste money and resources on stupid trival crap like this the harder it is for Dad to help me with actually important things like paying for procedures or hell all the electricity you use. The level of favoritism here is astronomical, you get to muck about financially with Dads money for your own enjoyment, waste it and exploit Dad for what you have done to have him "pay you back" for money that should never have been spent. Then turn around to me and say I dont know how to handle my money, atleast primarily its my money that Im mishandling not Dads.

Dad and I on paper earn very similar amounts (when he was working), he had a benifit that he had a company car which pushed his income much higher than mine. With that income Dad was able to maintain the household on his own. Therefore, what the hell am I doing with my income, how am I not essentially rolling in it. An important point to make is Dad wasnt just using his income to support the family, the proceeds from the sale of their house was also used and eventually, to the best of my understanding, were all but gone.

On the other side, I said that we earnt a simlar amount on paper, but at the end of the year tax time, his earnings and mine were significantly different. I would earn atleast 10k less a year, if not more, than my projected yearly income due to unpaid leave. I normally take more sick leave annually than I am paid for due to my back, mental illness and general illnessess. Doctors and specialist appointment. It adds up and takes away from my on paper income. But the family dont acknowledge this because I shouldnt be taking so much leave anyhow, I mean Im not that sick and I am really just pathetic. Not only is there a significant reduction in income but there is a significant increase in expenses. I dont know if you have had anything done medically recently, but appointments, medication, treatments they cost real money and there is no payment plans etc. they want it now.

So yeah while on paper I earn similar to what Dad did, at the end of the day, when tax time came around, the income was much lower and our expenses were very different. The other side of this, I am trying to enjoy life a little bit, I dont want to watch every singe penny being spent and living my life like you where you cant justify buying clearly worn out and disinergrating clothing because you are willing to be seen in long pants that have less material than boxer shorts so you dont need to buy new pants yet. I dont want to live life not enjoying at least something, working or dealing with medical stuff all day every day, coming home and working some more. I dont find working out in the backyard rewarding, I enjoy my job but its a job. I want more than just a job, more than unrewarding. You do get some reward from both, less so before you retired. You chose to have a family and that meant sacrifice and I appreciate that but I definately didnt chose medical issues, or to be here in general. Turns out that you dont much like how things have turned out, that you wished for different. I dont know if you're paying attention but you're trying to encourage me to walk in your footsteps to work continously, to make life all about working and sacrificing happiness. Is this because you dont want to anymore and you want me to fill your shoes, if so your barking up the wrong tree. If you think this is what I should be doing cause thats what men do, why would you put me through that to end up like you, miserable and defeated. Why would you wish your life on your son?

I went back to bed after this, my head was clearer but still spinning. I was tired though so it didnt take long to fall back asleep. I slept what I think was pretty solidly until a bit after 7am when the need to pee hit me strong. I was freezing, because at some point I had decided to kick my quilt off. Im ice cold sitting here writting this. My head is just noise, its got so much soing on that its just melting into one symphony of noise, it started pretty much as I woke. Im trying to descern one train of thought from another but its like pulling a thread from a pile of thread, its just all intertwined and there are knots everywhere.

I went to leave to get smokes and iced coffee and my sisters alarm was going off so I made sure she woke up and next thing Im getting her Maccas Coke and smokes. I do my best, absolute best to avoid going into the actual town centre. Its busy, almost all the time, its busy. Maccas is like the heart of town and she keeps sending me there for freaking Maccas Coke.

I want to be clear, particularly financially Dad does support me, its that the support I get vs the support I see my sister having gotten and even now getting is miles apart. Dad is backing down on the emotional support, the being there for her as much. He still does as told mainly out of fear of my Mum. She does seem to get an awful amount of money from Dad and it seems to be way more than can actually be spent by her given that she can afford a car and thousands of dollars just sitting waiting for Dad to pay her and be in no rush to get the money I owe her. Yes she sold a house but the amount of money being played with, in my mind it doesnt add up. It also seems that Dad owed quite a bit of money shortly after she bought the car. The amount of money she has spent medically, before NDIS, where the hell did she get that money? and now she is on DSP she relys on the money from the sale of her house. She is buying handbags, rings, all sort of stuff, so she is spending a fair bit of money on random stuff, quite a bit of random stuff, she bought a car, a new car, she has spent thousands for Mum and Dad that she has billed him for, she lent me thousands to come see her in hospital that she still hasnt organised an accounting of so I can claim it. So at one point she would have had like $11k outstanding, if not more. Where is all this money she is playing with coming from.

Money that is billed to Dad is paid without verification, no arguments, its just paid to her. That to me is sus as hell. Im held accountable for every cent I spend. I have to pay it back, every cent. Everything spent by me is recorded and I am expected to repay everything. It would seem to me that everything spent by my sister for my Mum and Dad is worked out after the fact. I have a feeling Mum is telling my sister to add stuff for my sister to the bill and have Dad pay for it. Im pretty sure that that is just a random thousand dollar amount that is unaccounted for that my sister just gets, Im almost 100% sure at least once she has told me that Mum has told her to add a couple grand. Mum would never do that for me, even if its not really her money to do that with.

I dont get it, my sister went to bed at 2am, I know I was awake. She had her alarm set for 7:30, which is when I woke her. She came down and not long later fell asleep at the table. I woke her up around 9:30 and told her she needed to get up as she had an appointment. No thats not until 1:15pm. Asked why she had to be up so early, she didnt want to sleep in. Well go to bed at a reasonable hour. I have no idea what she has against sleeping but she seems to have a real issue with it.

Im still waiting for that lady from work to call me, the one that had been through abuse. I waiting on EAF to respond and for Vanessa to respond. I feel like there is a few thing left undone. Its been near on a week since I sent the emails and Im kinda feeling like they dont value what I have said.

I have incredible pain in my head today thats coming and going. My back isnt great, but not too bad. My joints, particularly my hands ache really bad. Shoulders are sore and my neck is tight as it comes. Im really tired, might go back to bed shortly.

My fn sister, I got a donut this morning, the bag it comes in is exactly the same as previous ones and ones my sister has had. She just asked me what did I have, I told her a donut. She knew damn well that it was a donut, but she wanted me to admit it cause it will go back to Mum, she will tell Mum that I had one and I guarentee Mum will make a comment.

It would also seem we are back to waking Mum, either Dad or my sister is doing it. This after the whole, we shouldnt be doing it, we should be doing it, dont do it. She should be able to wake to an alarm. Bullshit, bullshit. A little while after stopping those two have gone back on it and are waking her again. I dont care so much as Im not doing it, Im waiting to be asked but it will be a flat out no. They are absoulte push overs. The thing that bothers me is they have put me out on my own, they have pushed me out on a ledge and made me the bad guy for saying no more, despite apparetly being completely behind me. Again both Dad and my sister threw me under the bus, they didnt talk to me about any change in their minds. They just happily threw me under the bus with Mum.

I only care because it goes to illustrate how little they think of me, how happily they will turn on what they said and avoid admitting to Mum that they were in agreement with me. Its not a big thing, waking Mum, but it is. I dont need to be responsible for someone else waking up to have their medication, that is their responsibility. I was having to be up at a set time to give my sister her medication. I couldnt sleep in after a bad night, I had to be up and put someone else ahead of me. Keeping in mind the tremendous pain Im in, the mental health conditions I am dealing with and the sleep issues Im facing. Now I am expected to be ensuring someone else is awake to take theirs, most days I am but I want to be free to sleep until what ever time I want, if I get up early and want to go back to bed I dont want to have to factor in waking Mum. Same for appointments. A apparent big reason for needing someone to wake Mum is she sleeps through her alarm, especially if she has a bad night. My bad nights, which she is aware of, my sleeping difficulties, they dont factor in, they dont matter. Mum is notoriously difficult to wake, you often get, "come back in XX minutes" which can be repeated for hours. I dont play that game, you wake when I wake you or you sleep the day, your choice. She sleeps the day and blames me. Even if I do wake her she goes back to sleep and blames me for not waking her. If she doesnt get out of bed, when you wake her its your fault and you're to blame for her not taking her morning medication. When I stopped waking her this was a big reason why, I was sick of being blamed for her inability to take responsibility for her own life.

Im so tired of people not taking responsiblity for their own lives. My sister and Mum really are opposed to doing that. Any responsibility for their lives they can palm off to someone else they do. I have enough trouble with the responsibilities of my own life to deal with without 2 other people trying to share theirs. I have a diary for appointments etc. and that helps me stay on track with them, but you know even showering is an issue. Managing my sleep is an issue. Doing day to day tasks and chores is an issue. I might not be responsible for a child, I may only now be responsible for my sisters daily medications. But I am overwhelmed by the responsiblities of my own life that I have now. I dont share the load to other people because thats not fair, I figure they have enough of their own, but my Mum and sister seem to be of the opinion that they should be allowed to.

So my sister caught me off guard and on a bad day, Im still really down, really tired, Im a bit more vocal today but I dont really want anything to do with anyone. But she asked if I wanted to continue with the Family Therapy. I dont know that I do, but I will continue to support my sister in this. She didnt like it but I reiterated a number of times that so far, it is primarily about her. They are basing the sessions on what she has said during her hospitalisation as far as I can tell. She has done quite a lot of the talking, at least when she has been there. Its been focused around her and Mums relationship. Dad and I have had some input but primarily supporting my sister. They have been on her side significantly and very early on made conclusions as to what/who Mum is and is about. They were not pleasant.

My view is that neither Dad or my sister are implimenting anything they have been told to do, like boundries etc. I mean my sister rang and woke Mum up this morning, Im assuming this was because my Dad was asleep at the time. My sister is spending more and more time with Mum, her apparent abuser, that doesnt make any sense. Then going in to buy stuff for her, fast food, stuff from the shops, returning to old ways much. So I dont really see the point in going if nothings gonna change. They have to change, they have to stick to it, but neither will, as above I am and they throw me under the bus.

Discussion came up with my sister saying that Dad acts like she is home now and she should be better and blah blah blah. I, again not in the best frame of mind and will probably bite me in the arse, replied that I get the same from Dad and her, that I should be doing more, that I should be back at work, etc etc. She was pretty defensive but at no point appologised that I felt that way and that she didnt intend it too. I said about the question, the comments, the glances, she didnt deny any of it. She will probably talk to Mum about it, I dont care, I called her out on her bullshit. She said that she defends me with Dad, I think she does when it serves her interests. It didnt suprise me that Dad had an issue with things, I know he does. I know his little friendly chats and we're pals thing is I dunno, like hollow, I see the undertones of disappointment, the feelings like Im pathetic and should be back to normal.

I think that I am not going to be silent all the time, Im gonna call out the hypocracy and bullshit when it comes up. Dad and I talked, it was much of the same thing. Stuff about the money he has to pay to my sister came up and its really hard to not consider that something dodgy is happening, to have the amount of money outstanding she had, then to buy a car etc. means she must have had around 50-60k in her account at some point, minimum. Then she is able to buy handbags, Pandora jewelry, more fancy stationary than available at Officeworks, heaps of other crap, jumpers and other clothes, all the shit she bought in hospital. Like well off is an understatement, but how. She sold her house a long time ago, shes on DSP, thats not a massive income. How has she bought all this stuff over the years, spend all this money on fuel, all the Buy Swap Sell and still have all this money, so much so that she is comfortable in lending out 20k odd and buy a car and all the rest and still be buying stuff. It doesnt make sense, mathematically it doesnt add up.

The backing that my sister has from my Mum is amazing, she tells Dad just to pay my sister. Apparently, she said he should be paying her fuel, she has all this money and now she shouldnt have to pay for fuel. She doesnt pay board, she doesnt pay food, if she wants something from the shops, she just bills Dad. Me on the other hand, I pay board, I havent recently because of my situation, but that would be being accounted for and Ill have to pay that back. I have to pay for my food, everything I want I have to pay for. I dont get to buy random things to try and put it on Dads tab. If I buy something for someone food wise I actually do, I dont bill Dad so I can seem nice.

I dont talk behind your back and spread rumors, manipulate and twist words so it sounds like others have done something horrible to me, I dont run to Mum every time my sister says no to me or something nasty, something I dont like, I dont tell people how I hate my Mum and she is the reason I tried to commit suicide and then get all chummy with her because it suits me at the time. But if you were to ask anyone in the family Im an arsehole.

Over the next little while Im going to try and document some of the stuff I see happening, the preferential treatment shown to my sister, the abusive and unfair treatment I receive. Not because I want to, I dunno, I want to have a list or something compiled that when I talk to people to get help leaving, when I talk to therapists etc. I have the information available to provide them. Its not that things arent important but I have a really hard time remembering the instances of abuse, the shit that happens, what is said etc. I have so much going on medically that retaining this information doesnt happen. I have heaps to try and maintain, up coming appointments, where we are at, what the plan is, future goals etc. I use a number of apps to help keep track and remind me of what I need to address with doctors and other support people in upcoming appointments. Writing down the things that are happening in one place will help me remember and provide that information to support people.

Dad went down to get the dog that sleeps with Mum out of her room and bring him back down with the others. That was a long time ago, the dog is down but I suspect he is either trying to discuss something with Mum or he is just getting reamed by her, the latter is more likely. He can rarely go down there and not be in shit for something and that lead to being in shit for something he did or didnt do years ago. Mum is not one to let anything go and will bring it up randomly in fights or to start them. I suspect there is stuff I said when talking to Dad that he might try and raise with her, I doubt he will get far, I mean she is fierce about backing my sister.

I was going to have a shower, I really need to, but Im not going to go down there while both of them are in the same room. I probably have a better chance not being spoken to but then I would have to listen to them go on while I have a shower and that doesnt sound like fun. I dont expect that Mum will say much to me, that might depend on what Dad does talk to her about I suppose. I really dont feel like talking to Mum, though I dont like the idea often, I dont want to deal with the BS excuses and the manipulated stories that intertwine with one another until you have no idea what your actually talking about. Im in a very straight forward, tactless mood today, which might be a long term mood. Im pretty sick of having to bite my tounge, politicise what Im saying, just bypassing my thoughts and feelings in conversations so I dont cause a potential issue at the sake of me getting screwed over some more.

MY SISTERS SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Ill say it here because it doesnt matter here, I would never say this to my family etc. for one reason I could be wrong and probably am but I keep thinking about it over and over. The first attempt was not serious in context, but felt like a trial run. She says that she took some tablets and then had to go to the toilet and passed out not able to complete what she was doing, but there were no other boxes of tablets out, no tablets laying around. Also, if your going to do that, wouldnt you go to the toilet first? But the thing that got me the most and its same in the second attempt, her inital response to attempting suicide was amusement, not grief that it didnt work. I mean if I truely intended to commit suicide, like really intended to then I would be incredibly distraught that I survived, not amused.

The second attempt was more serious, but still very much where were all the additional medications, I mean its spoken about as if she passed out part way through taking the medication but I would think the meds would take a bit longer to kick in and allow more time to do it. The only explaination is that she thought what she had taken would be enough or it was the amount she planned to take. Again I would think you would continue to take meds until you passed out leaving untaken meds laying around, but there was none. We had to really search for what she had taken and coudnt find anything, like she had packed them up after taking them. There were a couple OTC pain killers in boxes left, that was it. She also did it with her door open, light on, when everyone was awake.

In both cases it was pretty certain that she would be found by someone within a reasonably short period of time after taking the medications. If I was going to do it, my lights would be off, door shut and when everyone was in bed or out. I would keep stuffing pills down my throat until I couldnt swollow anymore, I wouldnt pack up after me thats for sure. I would spend some time looking into the meds I had and work out which ones were best off to take and how to take them. I know a person who takes a particular common OTC pain medication in abundance once in a while, she has survived every time but its like heaps and heaps of tablets, not a few handfuls.

I dont know whats this all means, it doesnt seem to add up, yet again. It seems like a cry for help far more than a suicide attempt. Like the attempts were some what planned to fail. Im not saying she isnt hurting and doesnt need help, quite the opposite. Its just as far as attempts go these are pretty structured not to work, its a very risky plan if it is the case, but it did work, she got the help she wanted moreso needed. The treatment afterwards wasnt what she expected, especially the first one. But got a better result second time around. She, thankfully, hasnt tried again since coming home this time, I hold onto her medications, but there is a great deal of OTC medication. They way she talks leads me to question why she hasnt gone down this route, again I am thankful for this.

I dont suppose suicide attempts done in the heat of the moment, that arent schedualled and planned will always work and maybe it is just what is put before me, maybe I am reading far more into it than needs be, I just find it curious. The amusement shown after threw me, it still does. Basically any reaction other than that, laughing etc I would have understood but amusement confuses me. She did appologise for the fact that I found her, but it was kinda disingenous, like her eyes were kinda vacant when she said it. Again there was no sadness, remorse anything along those lines. The emotional response towards the attempt, the pain she inflicted on each of us didnt marry up to what I would expect, that doesnt mean it was wrong or any indication of anything at all, it just confuses the hell out of me and makes me examine the circumstances repeatedly.

I would like comment on the above if people feel inclined to comment.

Poor Dad is still down with Mum, I can only imagine whats going on. They have been at it for at least a couple hours now. It must be more than the normal or he would have walked out by now, as thats what he has been doing. He didnt get out of bed until midday which is really late for him, I dont think he is at all in any kinda mood to deal with any of it today. He is very frustrated, financially they are in a really bad situation, he basically has no money now because my sisters bills have drained it all. I have asked for $450 for a couple weeks, which was hard to get. The last bill my sister put in puts them in the red, I imagine this is part of what they are talking about. Mum doesnt listen or Dad doesnt speak, but it has been allowed that they effectively have no money and now that they are in this situation there is a conversation to be had. I am almost certain that I will be asked to help out, I have no idea how, my current income is really quite low and doesnt even cover my costs. Mum has a decent amount of money in her account so I think she should be coughing up. She should contribute to the bills that are effectively for her dear daughter, herself and Dad. Electricity is really the only cost I incur, I pay for most everything else. At very least cough up for the costs of all your smokes Dad has paid for and not been paid back for. Apparently, my sister hasnt paid back the cost of the desk and Dad has since spent another $100 on two shelves for her that she hasnt paid for.

I cant work it out, one of my sisters complaints about Mum is that she had her out all day everyday picking stuff up yet since she has been home, unless she was asleep for the day, she has been out pretty much everyday for most of the day doing God knows what. Like she has an appointment, an hour max, a bit of time for driving there and back but she will be out for the entire day and it happens day after day after day. She comes home with a few bags of more stuff, like how does it take all that time to buy a couple bags of stuff but more importantly why do you need to do that every damn day. Most of all, this was an issue that she had with Mum, she was being made to stay out all day and here she is doing it again but without Mum telling her to do stuff. Then we get how exhusted she is, maybe if she spent some time home, maybe if she just went to the appointment and came home, did what she wants to do during the day then she doesnt have to do it at night when everyone is in bed so she doesnt sleep. Take your meds at night and go to sleep. Go to your appointments and come home. Do the things you want to, help out around the house and go to fn bed. Stop telling me how exhusted she is when she has to do nothing she doesnt want to other than a few appointment, she doesnt want to sleep thats up to her, she needs to take responcibility for how tired she is, we shouldnt need to hold her hand all the time, tip toe around her because she cant or wont be responcible.

My sister has just got home, she unloaded her car assumably straight to Mum or into her room, she hasnt come and seen the dogs who are kinda freaking out. I just dont know what mood I am getting when she does come in. I assume she has gone down to Mum, which means she is walking in on what ever is going on there. I figure at some point, for something I am going to get in shit for something. I half expect a phone call commanding me down to Mums room. I know that at some point me writing is going to become a huge issue, so I am waiting for that.

Im typing a lot today, I have a lot on my mind today, well since last night. I havent done much else, I took the rubbish out and fed the dogs, but thats it. Im cold, really cold and I ache all over. I mean Im in pain, Im always in pain, but my joints ache, Im feeling really worn out today, the depression, the exhustion is following me and I dont have much in the way of any motivation for anything other than writing. I want to get this shit out of my head, try and clear it a bit. Work through some of these thoughts, it seems that its easier to work through things as I type rather than when I think quietly. When I think quietly, well half the time I fall asleep but I get confused, muddled up on things and I cant get my thoughts to run consecutively. But when I write it seems that I work through sections at a time.

Its really frustating, I tend to compartmentalise things in my head there are sections for work, home, etc. but with all this crap its knocking walls down mentally, home is flowing over to every aspect of my mind, its infiltrating everything. Its making things difficult to follow, to concentrate on, to compartmentalise etc. You're always got a little bit of the crap at home going on in your head, regardless of what you're doing. You're always waiting on a call or text because you did or didnt do something you should have. Getting home is nerve racking if you know someone else is home, same goes for people coming home, you never know the mood you're going to get. There is complete uncertainty every where you turn, even sitting still. You are perpetually on edge waiting for the next shit storm.

Finacially Im screwed for this month, well in general but this month is the immediate concern. I have a couple hundred dollars left, I cant afford shit, I suppose that will help me with quiting smoking. Ive now purposly dropped to having tea only, its the only meal that would be noticed by my family if I didnt have it, though they dont notice anyhow half the time. Im really not sure what Im going to do, I dont think there is much I can do.

I just got asked once again, after all the fights and being really firm about not wanting to be involved in it to take Zooper Doopers down to Mum. And Im just going to do it as I am too exhusted to fight about it, I really am. My sister goes on about having boundries, we have to have boundries, Im the only one that has them and she constantly disregards them, asks me to do stuff she know I have said no to. I dont know why, it must be some power thing. Ive kinda given up with some of them, in particular the ones that are there to make sure I am not participating in people hurting themselves, contributing to hospitalisation and death, hell I buy smokes for them because Im a smoker and I feel it would be hypocritical not to but Im trying to quit, Im causing myself harm, I shouldnt be involved in causing others harm, thats kinda a thing for me but no one respects that, cause no one respects me, well screw em, if they want to eat, drink and smoke what is doing them harm, off they go I wont stop them. They can do what ever to themselves and if the ask me to get it for them I will and when they get sick I wont be there for them, Mums legs swell and she gets fluid on her lungs, woop di do, Im going to bed. Dad took the Zooper Doopers down, so I might go back to standing my ground after all, it will depend on the mood Im in on the day. If I continue to be worn out and exhusted like I am then I might give in.

Mum and Dad have stopped having their "discussion". Dad seems ok, but he is putting on a face a lot lately, I think the concept of leaving for the US etc. is keeping him upbeat and when things get tough he turns to that. Mum seems pretty down. I was having a shower and Mum came decided she needed to go into her freezer, it couldnt wait until I was done apparently, I hate when she does that, just let me shower in peace. But Dad was in her room as well, I only heard a few things but it didnt sound like they were pleasant. My sister's mood has soured a lot, she seemed pretty ok earlier but by the time I got out the shower it was icy. Just a second ago Mum rang, she wants something from my sister and my sister said I will in a minute, I just need a minute. It wasnt said nicely. Im not far from calling it quits for the day, I have to be up early for my first appointment tomorrow and Im thinking that might not be a bad idea given the feel of the house.

My pain is escallating, there is the pain in my lumbar but between my lower shoulders is bad today. Head continues to be an issue. Im dealing with it better today than other days. I dont know why though, I wish I did, if I did I could do it more often. My anxiety is pretty high, the tension is really thick I dont do well in this atmospher, I dont suppose many people to. It sits like a anvil in my stomach. Again I am just waiting for shit to hit the fan and for me to wear a fair amount of it. Somethings happening, I just dont know what it is, I do know I need to leave. This place, these people are toxic. I dont know if I am more like them than I think but the longer I stay the more I feel isolated, like I cant connect with them, I dont get their position, why they are how they are, I cant understand their motivation, what I do understand paints them in a bad light, Id like to think that they arent the way they seem to be but I cant get past what I see. Im not like them, I dont understand why, I dont understand why, growing up in the same house I have developed so differently. The only thing I can assume is because I was treated so differently to my sister, I was assulted so regularly at school, I can only figure these things had a profound affect on me and my development.

I dont like to think the way I do about my family, I dont know that its right. There is just so much back biting, so much manipulation and scheming. Mum and my sister join together and seemingly make decisions about stuff and inform Dad and I. That includes how we are not acting the way they believe we should, that our beliefs and feelings are wrong and we should change them. Just the Zooper Dooper thing, I dont want to participate in ending a life early by supplying something that potentially will do that. Smokes is a difficult platform to stand on, how do I say no to buying smokes for them when I smoke myself. I feel that its one thing to harm myself, a different one to aid in harming others. I would have to big of a conflict if I tried to start with that though. And thats my point, I cant decide for myself, my own standards, Mum and my sister determine them for me and impose them on me. They do so many things that can be seen as being dodgy, so many things are said and done with questionable or non-existant reasoning. If you say to them why we cant do something, the roadblocks that are there, the things they need to do then you get a run around explaining how its not their problem or how you have to fix it. Even when it comes to legal things like getting a new medicare card, Mum wont do it, she wants Dad to do it for her, despite the fact they are seperated he doesnt have the legal right to do that, to access her account, to act on her behalf, and he shouldnt they are seperated. Her paying her own way, food etc, she doesnt eventually that is going to catch up with her. Then money, Dad telling Mum they are running out of money she denies it and has this belief that Dad has a bunch of money stashed away.

Apparently the Family Therapy thing coming up is being cancelled. I seriously have my doubts it will be rebooked in the near future.

I talk about Mum and my sister a lot, but Dad is not much better he tells half stories and is very misleading. He doesnt exactly lie but leads you to think one thing while something different is the truth. You never know where you stand with him. He talks to Mum and my sister and says stuff about me, thoughts and stuff and assumes it wont get back to me. He apparently said stuff to my sister about how he thinks I should be doing more, be back at work etc. How true who knows, but wouldnt suprise me either way.

I dunno, with everything that goes on I dont know if I can or should trust any of them. Its not that I dont want to, I mean you should be able to trust your family. You should feel safe with your family and I dont. It goes back to, I have to get out of this place, wether I am right or wrong we have gone to far beyond rebuilding trust. I know Im not trusted and Im not believed. That is evident.

I got into bed tonight and lasted about an hour maybe an hour and a half and gave up. Violent, intense spasms and my mind is going so fast, so very fast. Ive taken meds to calm it down but they arent working enough. Its not coherent, like it doesnt make sense, its incomplete thoughts and just a mish mash thoughts and garbage. I cant even sit here and write anything I was thinking and any outcome from anything I was thinking.

My sister was going to bed early but its 10pm I would have thought she would be in bed by now. She really doesnt seem in a good mood, I have no idea why, I kinda opened the door a few times for her to talk but she shut me down a few times.

Im really feeling the cold tonight, I lasted 2 hours in bed or there abouts when I went back to bed. It wasnt a solid 2 hours though I just kept moving about and carrying on. I got up and was really cold but my hair was all sweaty. Ive come down for a smoke and my sister is still up. I can kinda understand some nights why she sleeps at the table, she has the heater and it gets really cold. My sister feels the cold far more than anyone else in the family. Dad doesnt feel the cold as much due to his cancer and/or the chemo hes had, I can never remember which or if its both. I seem to feel it more since my medications have been stopped/reduced.

I have been stuck wondering how I am going to be able to afford treatments for my spine and bladder cancer, I cant remember the cost of each procedure for the bladder cancer but it wasnt cheap, Dad has helped me so far but how do I afford them going forward? Add to that the cost of psychatric care that I need to start its going to be harder. Im concerned about this more in the idea that I am trying to leave home again and live on my own, then there is trying to repay the debt to Dad, but as Ive said going bankrupt is a very likely outcome coming up. Im not just leaving home because of all the crap going on, but Dad is planning on selling the house I live in with him and the rest of the family and he is going to move to the US for a time, I literally wont have anywhere to live so I have to find somewhere. I cant live with my Mum, sister or both. I have been against sharing a house with strangers, like a share house. They wont understand my pain etc. if I am due to clean then I will be expected to do that regardless of my situation at the time. If I live alone and go through a bad time I can put cleaning and other chores off until I am in a better state mentally and/or physically.

I have my new Urologist tomorrow and Im worried he might want to do something soon, like a cystocopy. There have been a few signs that things arent right, though have calmed down over the past few weeks. If he wants to do anything we will have to put it off for a while as I dont have the money to pay, makes me wonder why Im bothering to see him to be honest.

I just went for a drive at like 2:45am. I was out of smokes so I went and got some and put some fuel in the car while I was at it because people keep using what I put in and not replacing it. I dont understand what these people dont understand about me having no money. Anyhow, the drive was good it sorta settled my mind a bit, though still going pretty fast. I really shouldnt have gotten the smokes, I have very little money and I still need to feed myself etc. Im aiming for a couple scripts tomorrow, one I wont need for over a week so that should be fine but the other Ill need tomorrow. Im basically counting on the medicare rebates for the next couple of appointments to see me through until the rebate from my procedure. Yeah thats how tight it is and I cant ask Dad for anything more cause he hasnt got anything more to give.

I eventually went to sleep for a few hours, this time it was more of less solid. I know I woke a few times assumably from spasms. If I can work it out I intend to have a nap after my GP this morning and before the Urologist.

My sister just asked me what Im doing for my Dad's birthday in like a fortnight, I said that I had no idea and I dont, I dont even know if I am going to be able to afford anything. 2 weeks after my Dad's birthday is my Mum's, so even more money going out, that I have no idea how I can afford it. I am earning a fair bit less than Im used to and my medical costs have sky rocketed. This year it may have to be a card only and not present. That said, we are talking about gifts to people who abuse or permit abuse to occur, makes me wonder wether if I should be bothering with anything at all. Kinda feeling like screw em, they dont like me, why should I buy you a present at all.

I just got home from the GP. He did give me a script for a med to help calm my head and help me sleep. Got another script for my pain medication. We decided to take me off the patch. I suggested it, I didnt think it was doing much and he agreed that with the pain meds Im taking the patch would be fairly ineffective. It saves me $60 a month for the medication, its not a huge amount but its helpful. He cant do anything about the headaches/migranes, hes not sure if it from the back or from the medicaton changes. Essentially just deal with the headache thing, if it turns into a migrane then take my migrane medication. Other than that there is nothing he can do. If its my back then hopefully the procedure will clear it up on the 21st, if its the medication then I have to weather it until I have dealt with the change.

He also did a sick certificate for this month, I did ask for next as well but he only did this month. I doubt Ill return to work next month, if I do it will be towards the end of the month, probably early next month. It really depends on how much they want to have done regarding my Mental Health, its like 5-6 weeks away before I will have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist or Psychologist. Personally I would like to have had atleast 1 or 2 appointments before I try and deal with work, that said I am really keen to get back. I have this feeling that the Psychiatrist is going to make their own medication changes. The last psychiatrist I think rushed through the medication bit and didnt consider things fully and then after the appointment reconsidered but didnt take into account that she took me off an antipsychotic without any replacement, this really affected my sleep and has probably contributed negatively to my state of mind. I think she picked up on the Complex PTSD pretty quickly, Im not sure what possessed her to go down that path so quickly, it feels like we just jumped straight in there and we were off, it was the focus of the appointment, we didnt discuss any of my other diagnoses, which I felt was kinda strange. We rushed through medications, I feel we did anyhow. So I am keen for a Psychiatrist to take some time with me and look at me more holistically and make recommendations from there.

I feel like my life is overwhelmingly complicated at the moment, I have my spinal issues, which Im about to have my fifth procedure for next week. I have my mental health which is a mess, medication changes, new diagnosis, new Psychiatrist and new Psychologist, even a newish doctor. I been having new symptoms, experiencing things I have never experienced before. It has been more intense and longer lasting psychotic episodes. There is so much going on in this space, its hard to remember everything and pass it on to professionals. Bladder cancer is challenging, I mean my old Urologist effectively assulted me during my last procedure, or is it sexual assult? No cant be, it wasnt sexual it just involved my genitals. Now I have a new Urologist that I start seeing today. Then there is all the other medical conditions, I call them minor conditions, in comparison to the ones above they are minor and managed, but they still need monitoring, treatment etc. Then you have work, my major goal in life at the moment is to get back to work, in some capacity at least. Work is really understanding and I do appreciate everything they have been doing. If they didnt provide Salary Continuance Insurance under my employment Id be really screwed. Finances are really up the shit, like I really think they're beyond repair, Ive been fighting against bankruptcy for an incredibly long time, Ive been concerned about Dad being screwed over, but all the debt I have, including theirs is too much for me to cope with. I want a fresh start, I want a chance and in my current position I will never get that. Home is probably the worst of all, probably the most detrimental. I am treated as worthless, meaningless. I am treated differently to others in my family, there are similarities between the way Dad and I are treated but its hard to explain, but he seems to have an authority that he can chose to wield but rarely does. But I am treated very different to my sister, she is treated very preferentially, mainly by the instruction of Mum. Mum is treated differently to everyone. The family is really toxic. Dad and I are the bad guys in every situation. I am not belived or trusted and I dont understand what I have done to give reason for that. However my sister has gone through significant periods of dishonesty, she has been caught out more than once in a lie, like a decent one. But Mum and her have been able to rebuild their trust so much so what my sister says is gospel even if I say something different, generally Im not given a chance though. If I dont follow the instructions of my sister that will cause a major issue. I have no standing in the family or support, financially I get some but strings. I have a very different belief and moral code to the rest of my family. I dont know why thats happened or how, probably because I was treated so differently growing up, the abuse at school and the involvement in church.

I struggle with the stress of all this, its a lot to deal with, it plays on my mind pretty much constantly. I struggle with my mood as a result, Im very often down and depressed however I think in general I handle it well. Family would probably not agree, but I do my best to be decent to be around, I mean I cant say that Im always pleasent, I cant say that Im always upbeat and jovial but how could I be, with this kinda weight on me how could I be anything but drowning. When I am out in public, with doctors, specialist and support persons I have a cheerful way about me, I pull myself together to put others more at ease, most people find it really difficult to work with a person who is super depressed, woe is me etc. so to avoid that and cut through the noise of my dispair I am ok with them and we can start working through things. If Im struggling I can do that at home, its not something I can do for long, holding it together, which is why I dont do it at home, somewhere, sometime I have to be free to feel those feelings. I do think in general I present myself well, even at home. I kinda have too, its not really acceptable for me not to, my sister and Mum would make sure I was aware my "attitude" was unacceptable. Its hard because most the time I just want to break down in tears, I want to tell someone how hard and unfair it all is, how much it costs and I cant bear the costs of it all, I want someone to understand the pressure Im under, someone to appreciate it and in turn me.

I now have a person who is looking at my situation more holistically, my rehab coordinator is aware of the medical and mental issues and is working with others and overseeing my whole support system to ensure I am getting adequate help. She obviously cant influence them but she can add to them to make it more well rounded. She is also somewhat aware of the financial burden and is pretty aware of my home situation, as is the EAF. Its nice though to have someone aware of the whole, or majority of the situation, it makes me feel like I can talk to her more freely.

Today is a day where I am putting on a pretty good face considering the level of pain I am in. I spent most of last night in and out of bed, even going for a drive at like 2:30am as I was out of smokes because I had been up more than normal. When I was in bed I was having really violent spasms that were kinda regular, just really intense. It kept me awake through out the night, I managed to fall asleep for short periods, a couple hours at best. Most the time I was asleep, it was really light because smaller spasms were happening almost continously and keeping me from falling to asleep properly. It was one of the worst nights in regards to spasms, they seem to be getting worse not better. I am really waiting and holding out for the procedure, I am really hopeful that it will resolve the pain and the spasms. The spasms were so bad that they have left my back in a shocking painful state, but not only my back but my thighs as well, they are rock hard and so painful. Walking is a challenge, its really painful doing it and I have a fair bit to do this afternoon. My shoulders hurt, as does my neck, I keep getting those headache things, though they dont last long. Ive been getting a fair number of spasms last night and today in my shoulders, though not as severe as in my back. Its where the shoulder and neck pain is coming from. My sister asked me what is wrong, I know Im making faces as I walk, I cant help it or fight it which is giving me away. I hate my sister asking that, I never feel like its from actual concern but what I say may and will be used against you. Its like an opportunity to judge and you know that in her mind its not an appreciation for your situation but a dismissal or she is so much worse. I said I was in a lot of pain and that Im kinda over it. Im sure she acknowledged what I said but there was nothing to show empathy, nothing was said to indicate she was willing to help, like she didnt say is there anything I can do to help you? or if I can help or do anything let me know. There wasnt even the offer to feed her dogs tonight for me and I can almost guarenntee that they wont be fed by anyone while Im at my appointmet. It was an acknowledgement with no meaning, no appreciation of the pain or my situation, it was in itself a dismissal, like oh is that all, well that doesnt matter. Which is how I am made to feel all the time. *EDIT* She just told me that I, I cant leave cords out to the printer she is using and got me to pack the cord up, I dont know how many times Ive told her I cant really deal with things on the ground, under the table, Ive told her Im in a lot of pain today and still she gets me to pack up the cord and throw it out, simply because its on my side of the table. I really dont understand how it becomes my responsibility, especially today, just leave me be, Im struggling, you know Im struggling, how about you show just a little compassion.

I struggle to accept that my family, people who are supposed to love and care for me, have such disregard for my feelings, for the pain Im in, for my emotional state and my well know poor financial state. They really do their best to show me how much they dont care for me, I feel like Im like a rock in their collective shoe, that they just want to get rid of but cant. Like they feel obligated to allow me to survive but beyond that they dont want to be involved. Dad and my sister have both lent me money. The money my sister lent me was primarily used to come and support her, she was of the opinion that she has come down day after day to people in the family in hospital and she paid for that so why should she pay for me to do the same. She doesnt take into account there was nearly 6 months of coming down which is a great strain on your finances. She also doesnt take into account that I was on a reduced income and eventually was not earning an income at all. Im also pretty sure if my sister was driving down for me like I was her Mum would tell Dad to help her financially. Then there is that she shows no appreciation for what I did and acts the way she does towards me, its a real kick in the guts. While I said in hospital I would pay her back, I dont think its fair that I wear the costs, at least all the costs involved in being her carer and having to attend to her as much as she wanted. Mum did not go down to my sister at all while in hospital, Mum put nothing into helping at home, no help into helping me, supporting me so I can support my sister. She hasnt offered anything financial to help me with paying for everything, eventhough she knew I had was out of financial support for myself. It really bugs me that everyone knows I've struggled for years and are quite happy for me to put my hands in my pocket and pay for things and/or lend me money to pay for things for them.

There was an error and I deleted the remaining part of my post. Ill add what later.