Malens Babble

My pain has been weird, its constant but coming and going at the same time. Moving can be a challenge, even my arms. Im not enjoying it, I have less than 3 weeks to wait for my procedure and then, hopefully, a new chapter begins.

I woke up this morning to most of the table cloth being pushed up against all my stuff, some of my stuff had been moved closer to me to allow more of the table cloth to be moved. Its all smooshed up around me, makes me feel I dunno, like Im walled in, like everything is on top of me. I dont know if this is because, yet again, she isnt happy with the table cloth and we are supposed to be changing it again or she was colouring in or doing a puzzle. Im going to assume its to do with the table cloth and Im gonna take the damn thing off and be done with it. It was off for months without an issue and we are going back again. Its frustrating but its more, its painful, moving my stuff is painful, its back and forward with stuff. Its not far but its turning around etc.

I decided a couple days ago that I was going to quit smoking, its not going to be easy, Im a very heavy smoker, 40 a day. I set the date to give up as 6/6/23 primarily because its an easy date for me to remember. It panned out well when I gave up drinking as I was admitted into rehab on the 1/1/21 which is another easy day for me to remember. Im not overly good with dates, I still struggle to remember family members birthdays and their age. Its not that I dont care, I just struggle to remember. I have to calculate my age, I was born in 1980 so its easy to work out how old I am. Anyhow, Im actually looking forward to giving up, Ive pretty well lost the taste for it, I dont know what it is but they dont taste good anymore, I get a really dry mouth from smoking them, well dryer that it is normally. I smoke a couple and my mouth just tastes like I ate an ashtray. Added to which, its a huge financial stumbling block, it costs me so much, I mean 40 a day really adds up.

I am very keen to get on top of my debts, but more so I am keen to leave home. For me to do either I have to give up other stuff and concentrate on the important goals not the short term pleasure. Market wise Im probably gonna find it hard to get a rental, they are all in really high demand, that said friends got into the wrong sort of things and were able to get rental after rental even after being removed from them, I dont know how but they did so while I dont have a recent rental history etc hopefully I should be ok. It might be hard, they might want to contact my parents and I think Dad would help but Im trying to leave an abusive situation which Dad is a party of. I was going to say that Dad isnt directly abusive but indirectly by not defending me, by not telling my sister or Mum to stop, that they are wrong. By doing so he is saying to me that they are right, that I am not worth defending, Im not worth telling them to stop. I have such little value in his eyes that doing anything is too much effort. Not only that but he has followed instructions and rang and yelled at me over Coke. He has goes at me because Mum and/of my sister tell him to deal with it. Again, instead of saying that there is nothing to deal with or your wrong he comes at me and tells me to change to conform to the wishes of my Mum and sister even if they are wrong, even if they have no right, no justification to demand what they are demanding.

Sorry got side track, my focus needs to be on my debts and leaving here, I was going to say home, but home is where you feel safe and I dont. The other side of this is that it will help my health, I might not be suffering from the effects of smoking now but if I keep going the way I am going to feel it. I have bladder cancer and smoking is really not good for it so I should really keep that in mind when I am going through withdrawals. Something about the chemicals building up in your bladder and encouraging new growth. There are a lot of other illnesses that I am prone to more so because of the bladder cancer, having one kind of cancer opens you up to increased risk of others.

Ive become much more mindful of my health, I am not a well guy as you can probably tell, Im massively over weight, I, somewhat due to disability, dont excersise, I drink too much iced coffee, my diet is ok, but not substantial enough, in that most the time I have one meal a day, sometimes 2. Ive been down this road a bit before, I went to a nutritionist and got onto a diet, this was a little before my sister had issues. I want to get back to that, but at the same time I will have to watch the costs, what the nutritionist had me on was rather expensive. If I can get onto NDIS they will help me with the cost of meals and that which will free up some finances for me. Once the procedure has been done and the after effects and pain have subsided I aim to walk, increase my muscle strength and walk further. Get into some conditioning program and get a bit fitter, get back into the gym and try and not lose weight, just be healthier. Ive resisted most of the offers for fast food, opting for Lite n Easy meals. Ive in general stayed away from snack foods and the like. Most my drinks are no sugar, except the iced coffee of course. I need to start using MyNetDiary and monitoring my intake and outake. I dont know if I will actually manage to end up in a health weight range or if I will become a healthy version of myself. Ive always been a bigger boy, Ive always struggled. That said, so has Mum and she sorta passed that on to me and my sister, I cant think we have that unhealthier meals but serving sizes were probably much larger than they should have been. Meals werent so much on nutrition but on cost, so from memory there was a lot of pasta. We always had food to eat, we never went without. But again, I think the serving sizes were bigger than they should have been, so we were essentially eating more food than we needed to. On top of that we werent brought up or had interest in sports and exercise. It was always considered a chore, an optional chore. Mum and Dad were not into excersise, into sports either. Dad managed things weight wise by being really active, renovating houses etc. But he will often just eat an incredibly large amount of food, normally high carb/sweet food.

Looking at our eating habits growing up and even now show where we put our values as a family. Money was put into renovating the house, that was the primary focus along with that, church. They were the things that were valued, both took Dad away from being a father. As a result of these values work was a massive focus as it funded the two main values. If work could be had, then it was taken. Dad would, if Iremember correctly, take time off work, his holidays and go help harvest potatoes, if he didnt go work elsewhere he would work on the house. When he could he would get paid out for leave. Dad, growing up, worked either on the house, at church or at a job.

The focus was never on us kids, we were cared for, we had what we needed we just werent a priority. Food was bought in bulk, we were about 100km from a Woolies and the cost of food was high at the local supermarket. So every now and then Mum would pack my sister and I into the car and make the trip where we would very much fill the car, like shopping would be packed around us, I remember more than once being packed in so tight we couldnt move. Literally, we would sit in the car and Mum would load shopping around us. Think that amazez me now is how proud Mum was that she had got so much in the car with us kids, like it was a competition. It didnt matter that for an hour or so my sister and I couldnt move or at least move freely, I mean she was the driver, there was nothing around her so it didnt bother her.

That would be out main source of food for the next 3 or 4 weeks, lots of frozen and long life foods, hell our milk was powdered (cheaper). A lot of it was finance based, how much we could get for as little as could be spent, so cheap meats, meats on special etc. As I said, large servings but it was cheap. There is nothing wrong with cheap and Im not saying it wasnt nutritional, but it indicates that food, nutrition etc were not a priority. Just fill you up, a lot of comfort food, easy to make food. Im not suggesting that you have to spend a lot on food for it to be a value, but the goal of food shopping shouldnt be getting as much crap as you can for a little as you can. It should be to get the most nutritionally packed food, healthy well rounded food. Hell now days we put more effort into the nutritional value of the food we feed my sisters dogs than we do on our own, then or now. My Mums dogs get what ever is cheap, best value and they will eat. Currently rolls, I hate rolls for dog food. We were doing cans and it was so much easier. Really my sister researched diets for dogs and got into nutritional suppliments for them etc. for her dog. When it came to giving the dogs all this crap it was up to me. Then she would go and eat Hungry Jacks. We as a family have an affection for food, a love, but its food that is of little nutritional value. Ive moved to eating and really only eating Lite n Easy. The food is good, but the variety of the food available, that I like, is limited and I get basically the same meals fortnight to fortnight, so its getting a bit boring. But its kinda like breaking this affection for food, looking it at a source of energy not pleasure, thats what it is please, eating, very much for Mum is a pleasurable event, like I think endorphines are released and she gets a high gorging on massive amounts of fast food. I was the same, most my life, I have to break that for myself.

If I can break the pleasure attachement to food, the next thing would to get pleasure from excersise. I used to really enjoy it, Ive pre-back got into weights, post back Ive tried a few times to lose weight and get some muscle strength to help my back pain. I was really forcing myself at times post-back. I spoke as if I was loving it, I tried to pump it up for myself. This time, no pain and I can focus on enjoying my workout. No pressure on how many reps, how far on the bike, how far walking etc. It wont be so much about weightloss or anything like that. At the begining, I want it to be about me enjoying the experience. When ever Ive been Ive never used a personal trainer, that has always seem decetant or a waste of money but this time I might invest in one if I can justify the expense, just to get movements right etc. I dont think a personal trainer is a requirement but help with form, movement etc. making sure I get these right and reduce my risk of hurting myself, Ive experienced enough back pain in my life, I dont need to be the cause of it.

I think if Dad follows through with his plans and moves to America that will be it for our family unit, like permanatly. My sister might still move out of home, I dunno but she will probably look after Mum. I cant, I get that my sister feels abused by her, but my Mum doesnt want a relationship with me, she doesnt want anything to do with me, other than to force me to do the will of my sister, to instruct me to do things for her, to be obiedient and it would only get worse if we lived together or I was her care giver, added to which she can do majority of things herself, she just choses not to and force others into obedience. Mum would feel that she was justified in resenting me, my sister would be angry with me for not doing more with Mum, even if I were to do 1/2 the workload of looking after Mum it wouldnt be enough and she would be angry. There is a good chance that I would lose contact with Dad, I actually think that might happen. Depending on how my sister takes his decision, they too might lose contact. Mum and Dad most certainly will. They will try for some family thing, try to get everyone back together but I think that will only occur at funerals.

Dad has decided to get involved in a local church again, not an overly big one but he likes it. He always liked church and I think has regretted not participating in one for many years. He goes to services, prayer meetings, clean ups and has meetings with the pastor. I think Ive mentioned it before but he and the pastor did this breaking soul ties thing and since he has been more accepting that Mum has seperated from him. He is more open to the idea of divorce. He walks out while Mum is being abusive to him and carrying. He isnt taking to heart and worried as much about what Mum says.

Thing is he is doing the same to me and my sister, he has kinda thrown his hands up on all of us to a degree. He isnt gonna leave until everything has settled down medically etc, if he had been paying attention to the last several years, thats unlikely, so he will go anyhow Im sure. This attitude of I dont know what to do, regarding me and Mum, so he choses to do nothing, not even try. I talk to him and I get more out of speaking to one of our dogs, he just sits there, moves about and well, I dunno and thats it. He is pretty focused on church and getting the house in a position to be sold. He isnt spending time with my sister at all as far as Ive seen, he doesnt even bother acknowleging me in the morning. He's kinda going through the motions at home, like doing the basics of what he needs to, nothing he doesnt want to, its like he did the breaking of the soul ties with my sister and I.

The only thing else is that he has been given "permision" by the pastor to walk away from Mum. Both my sister and I are adults so he isnt really responsible for us anymore. He has lost his attachment to Mum who enforced the attachment to us kids, its not there anymore so he can act how he has felt all along and drop us, he doesnt really consider the situation that both my sister and I are in, we are both unwell but we are over 18 so we can take care of ourselves. I am and not just because of what is going on, but Im over 18 so its time to stop relying on my parents, him in particular and deal with life on my own, just like he had to. I mean I did, but then I got sick, even then he kept me at hands length and didnt help until it was costing him too much money. That is the way to my Dads heart, money. If you cost him, if your a burden, regardless of the situation, wether its medically induced or not then your a problem. You should have had the money behind you to deal with it, your an adult you just automatically should JUST have the money. Dad wont help explain how to have the money, how you go from being in debt to having a huge excess. He wont offer or sit down with you to work through your finances. You should somehow just know how to deal with medical bills that take up a huge percentage of you finances, how to manage the debt incured by a bipolar episode. What he will do is add to your debt, he will lend money for essential things, like medical procedures, because again your over 18. He will accept you paying huge amounts of your income to him to pay him back, because he wants the money far more than your health and happiness, it doesnt matter that you are in incredible financal difficulty trying to keep up with his passive aggressive demands. I know he needs the money too, I know that he's not rich or anything. But you would think parents would be there no matter what for their sick kids and make sure they get the medical attention they need. I get that not everything was medical, Ive made mistakes but alot of it is underpinned by medical issues. He has this "permission" from the pastor so Dad is pretty much running away from everything. It might be a long time dream for him to go to this particual bible college in another freaking country, but it does look very much look like running away. He doesnt have to worry about any of us anymore. That said, I am all for it, he deserves to have his dream fufilled, he deserves to be happy after years of abuse. I am all for him moving on.

On the parents front, Dad has helped me financially but not once has my Mum put her hand in her pocket. I know she has a significant amount of money behind her and its behind her. She makes Dad pay for everything she can, like she pushes everything over to him, despite having a, granted small, income and them being seperated. She just gets the cash and none of the responcility. She told me the other day that the money she has and is saving up is to help my sister with IVF. Its been an on again, off again thing but Mums pretty invested in it. Im all for Mum helping my sister with that, but I dont know how many procedures Ive had over the past 12 months, stopping my chronic pain, dealing with my bladder cancer. Not once was there, let me help you out. Its clear Mum doesnt expect the money if it went to IVF. I tell you, every cent, Id have to pay every cent back and she would tell me what I can and cant do with my salary.

The very frustating thing going on is Mum is getting what she wants again, even if there has been boundry set that we arent buying these things etc. Zooper Doopers, my sister started, my Dad followed, we are buying them again. I still refuse to have any involvement. We are back taking tea to her, not always but regularly. Its small things but gives me no hope that this Family Therapy thing isnt going to work. My sister is clearly not that invested, Dad is all about stopping my sister from killing herself, thats all he cares about, me I want everyone to learn how to make boundries and damn well stick to them. Thats the place where my sister and Dad get undone, they dont stick to them. It gets a bit tough, I mean saying no and ignoring text is a hard job, so they buckle. They find reasons to give in, to make it "easier" on themselves. Eventually, they just go back to doing what Mum commands and getting mad at me that I stick to my guns.

The thing is that its all for Mums good that these boundries are put in place. I mean the Zooper Doopers, she has fluid restrictions and she eats a full pack of these in 24hrs, thats basically her fluid allotment done and then some. Then, because shes consuming too much liquid her legs swell, then she cant walk, then the fluid gets onto her chest and we have another hospital visit. Im not participating in this, I dont want her to be sick or die and me be the one or one of the people who contributed to her death, because it was easier to do what she said. Its the same with picking things up from buy, swap, sell. We are frustrated by all the crap we have, now she wants more stuff, so we say no. Mum cries, threatens to take herself blah blah blah, eventually, after lots of pestering, mainly by the very imposing text kind, one of them gives in and goes and gets the crap. So now we all have more crap to deal with, we are mad that we had to go and get it, we are grumpy with Mum. But it was easier to give in and do what Mum said. It doesnt seem that much easier to me, it seems stupid and irresponsible to me. What ticks me off more is I get in shit because I dont do these things, I dont contribute to making my life and the life of those around me suck even harder than it already does by giving in to Mum. What really grates at me, is we collect this stuff, we dont use it, we dont upcycle and make our fortune, we collect.

Ive said before that my sister burns, I wont go into detail because it would probably be frowned on here, but not like fire to skin. I had this thought a moment ago, my sister and I have butted heads a lot recently, as you can tell from my writing Im struggling with her at the moment. But it occurred to me that I am quite likely the "cause" of a few burns. I was so mindful for so long not to upset her etc. I walked on egg shells, I couldnt do anything right, soon enough, I didnt "think" about her. Ive got to a point where I might be the cause in her mind but I am not responcible for her actions. At some point I have to have a life again, not everything can be or should be about her. You dont like the table cloth, change it. You can pick my stuff up as easily as I can pick up yours, difference is I dont care about the table cloth or lack of. Im very happy with the glass topper thing we have. If your not do something about it but leave me out of it. Thats just one example, more and more the things she wants to do, thats fine, just keep me out of it.

I dont need my family to give me tasks to occupy my time. I dont care if you dont see what I am doing as valuable, I dont see what your doing as valuable most the time. I mean taking up half the kitchen to upcycle a cabnett, there are sheds for that, I dont care if you dont like the cold, get over the 2 steps to go out the back, you'll go down the steps to Mums room, walk around shops all day and Im expected to everytime I want a smoke. For weeks we had that cabnett in the kitchen, in the way and its just accepted, not an isolated circumstance. I dont see value in that, yes it looks nicer when finished etc. but was it worth the disruption to everyone else? Then it was used for stuff all time and put out the back. Thats fine, if gave you something to do and a way to waste your money. But I dont want to do things like that, I dont want to do little projects etc. I guarentee you that if I wanted to upcycle a tiny side table I would be put out to the shed, even if it were snowing. I dont need you to find things for me to do, I dont need a heap of chores because I "have the time". Just because we spend our time differently doesnt make ones method more ligitament than the other.

I always say good morning to everyone when I/they wake up. Today I did a little experiment, I didnt say shit and funnily enough, neither did they. Neither my Dad or my sister said good morning, my Dad did talk about something but my sister just asked where her Dog was and what Dad was doing. Then she decided to go out, not a word said. If I was going out and they were here I would say good bye or something but not a thing. I get we are not on good terms but you can atleast be polite. But ofcourse it will be my fault. I didnt say anything either or I said something nasty the other day or some shit.

I dont have any responcibilities as such, I have my chores, work, medical stuff, thats about it. My sister and Mum both decided to get dogs, 2 each eventually, my sister got her puppy like 6 months ago. Responcibilities, you decided to get them but I have to feed them, so they have partially become my responcibility, one of my chores. But my sister would winge that Mum didnt train her dogs and she didnt. My sister 1/2 trained her older dog but it was too hard to train him because of the two other dogs. He was supposed to be a support dog but got too old to get certified and trained. So the answer is, get another dog to be you're emotional support dog, I will say for the first few months you were in hospital but Ive seen no training happening with him at all, is it the same problem but now you have 3 dogs to deal with while training the puppy? So not training either dog, they are actually my responcibility to feed, nothing else happens with them but they are my Mum and sister's dogs.

My back is spasming alot this afternoon and Im twitching like crazy, if anyone noticed me or paid me any attention they would see this, they might even ask whats going on or if Im ok. You know show a little bit of compassion but that would be too much, it might take away from my sister's spotlight. I got the most incredible pain just below the bottom of my shoulder blades, an intense piercing pain right into my spine, I dont have words for it.

Im over being blamed for everything that goes wrong, the switch on an old as shit oven was broken off, both my sister were around it etc at the time but I was there so I must have done it. The clothes dryer again old as shit, is coming to the end of its life, one of the belts on it has stretched and there are no replacement parts anymore, its that old. But, I didnt clean the filter several times and apparently I put too much in on a load all the time so its my fault that the dryer is broken. Im not going to defend myself, I have never been instructed as to how much should go in it, I just put some in and obviously didnt think that they were too large. Mum slipped in the bathroom and banged her head some time ago, I had had a shower not long before, it was determined that I was the cause of her slipping because I clearly dont know how to dry myself after having a shower. The idea that Mum had been having falls before and since, not so much falls but she just drops, that idea couldnt possibly be the reason she fell, no its an opportunity to blame me for something and continue to do so because that fall is being blamed for all her falls since and made things so much worse. So Im to blame for the way things are for her now. Something came up about the fall the other day and my sister made sure to loudly make sure that that was the fall that I caused, I mean we better remember where the blame lies.

It seems to be a common thing that I should be blamed for much of what goes wrong in the family, I know full well that this issue between my sister and I will 100% be my fault, my sister will not be held accountable for any of it, if she is Mum will say that she has spoken to her privately, she might go off at me in front of people if she comes done over it. But at the end of the day I will be the one that is in the wrong, my feelings will be dismissed and my sister will be protected from having any accountability for her actions, Mum will see absolutly nothing wrong with the way she has treated me and that she was completly in the right for acting the way she did and demanding the things she has. I know this because it happens every single time. Its alot easier to blame me and demonise me than to tell my sister that shes in the wrong, it might impact your ability to get your relationship back.

The thing is desite whatever my Dad decides and my Mum does, they are going to pass away and my sister is going to be left without either of them protecting her, covering for her and she is going to have to stand on her own two feet and stand or fall on her own. I dont know that I will be there for her anymore. I dont know why I should protect and defend people who wont do the same for me and more than that, they will throw me under the bus, not just to save themselves but to see me in trouble.

Since I spoke to Dad quite firmly, he has hardly said a word to me, he is seemingly doing his best to avoid me. I suppose he has made it clear that his only priority is to stop my sister ending her life. It would appear that he is making it clear that he wont do anything for me and Im not a priority. Apparently he cant have two children as priorities, maybe because shes a girl and Im a guy, I should be the man of a family by now and not his concern. My sister is unmarried, so he has some responcibility to her. Maybe its something along those lines, the interpretation of the Bible that he takes.

It wont be taken into account that I am going through a range of medication changes as well, which will affect me. It seems that my tolerance and willingness to lay down and just take the shit sandwich being forced down my thoat. Im just not willing to take the abuse and double sidedness anymore. I seriously have enough to contend with without my sisters attitude and decietfullness. Ive got enough to contend with without my Mum being so biased and focused on regaining her relationship with my sister that I am discarded in the process and Ive got enough to contend with without not being able to rely on my Dad to be a Father and tell my Mum and sister to settle and they are wrong. Ive got enough on my plate that I dont need to deal with not mattering and only being a burden. If I am such a burden, if I dont live up to your standards, if Im not worth loving help me leave or is it too much fun to torment me.

The annoying thing is that I re-read alot of what I write and I wonder am I going overboard, is it the medications messing with me, am I as they say and I am wrong, should I just deal with it all and accept my lot in life. I dunno, part of writing everything like this is I can look back in a week or two and see how Ive changed, if Ive changed. I have to consider that I am out of line and its not as bad as Im making it out to be. It does feel like I go in circles though, things go well for a while, then for what ever reason they turn to shit and I feel like this. It does feel that this circle is getting smaller, like the good times are less and less.

Im finding that my pain is increasingly frustrating me. I thought that it would be different, I thought I dunno what I thought but it would be different. Like I would be excited by the upcoming procedure and that would help me deal with the lows I get with the pain. I imagined that I would feel better not worse about my pain as I got closer to the procedure date. Maybe when it gets a lot closer things will change, maybe I wont feel so frustrated by the pain. I also wonder how I will go with my depression when the pain is sorted, I would get really depressed and for long times because of my pain, because of how I was treated due to my pain. When the pain is gone, will my depression subside, will it just improve or will it stay the same. Will there just be another reason found for my depression to rise up again?

I dont know why its so wrong for Dad and I to show any negative emotions or to challenge the rulings of Mum and my sister. Like how is it that what they say is always right and cant be challenged. Even if they're not wrong, we dont agree with what they say, we should have an equal say and decide together, make comprimises etc. Dad says its cause we dont have boobs. Mum is very much that she should be the head of the house and its her rule, its not a Mum and Dad thing its a she says, we do situation. When she cant be in charge it flows to my sister. My Dad is never in charge and hell they would get a house sitter to run the show before it was left to me. That said, they were fine with me running around for my sister while she was in hospital. Its like its already been decided that we, Dad and I, cant be trusted to make the correct decision. Even when we are left to make a decision or do something without overbearing guidance we will definately do it or something wrong. Dad gets in trouble for doing things without asking her first, even if she had told him to do it previously. He has all these jobs to do that Mum has set for him, he is getting through them, they are mainly outside jobs but he regularly gets in trouble because he didnt ask her something, he did it different to what was expected etc. or God forbid he does something off his own back like remove some posts from the back yard that were in the way.

My sister is a bit the same way with me thinking she can give me jobs to do, like change the tablecloth. I dont know what tablecloth you want or even where they are, I know they are in the hallway cupboard somewhere, but last time I looked in there it was a shit show. Also I have been clear at how much pain Im in, and moving everything off the table will cause me to be in a great deal of pain. Ill help but I cant do it alone. But she thinks shes my version of Mum, well Im not and unlike Dad I will fight it, even if you run to Mum everytime you dont get your way.

Im getting really tired, my pain is pretty high though the spasms have calmed somewhat. I have a raging headache, Ive had heaps of headaches and migrany things since the procedure. If it doesnt go away Im hoping that the next procedure will resolve things. My legs ache but not as bad as they have been. Its difficult to put into words how much pain and how sore and achy I am. Some parts of my body are in pain, pain is not the right word for it, there has to be another word that describes the level of pain I feel. I get that I havent just had my leg amputated on a battlefield with nothing but a stick to bite down on. But I am in a great deal of pain. The rest of my body is sore, achy and uncomfortable. Sometimes its incredibly difficult to be stuck inside my body. I was laying down in bed this morning and I just couldnt find a spot that I was comfortable in. I must have eventually found a spot because I woke up an hour or so later when my alarm went off. But its not uncommon for me to be in that position, even awake. So often Im sitting down at the table or outside and I am just moving from one spot to another to another, just constantly moving positions trying to find a spot that I can sit still in for a while.

Then you add the head stuff, feeling uncomfortable in myself, I mean my inner self is basically the norm. If I could bounce around mentally trying to find a comfortable spot I imagine Id never stop. My mind goes flat out pretty much constantly as you can probaly tell by the length of these posts. They go on and on, and its like nothing in comparison to the thoughts that are flying in my head. Though this writing thing does slow the thoughts down for a while. While Im concentrating on typing it slows and focuses. My anxiety kinda rules the roost, it dictates alot of what I do and dont do. My family doesnt appreciate how much it influences my life. What I can and cant do. Its not that I dont want to go to the shops in the evening, I cant. I mean if I really work at it, If Im willing to put up with the consequences, Im able to do it but most the time, no. Rarely would I be willing to put up with the consequences. I dont like the feeling, I dont like the discomfort or the mental pain. I dont see whats so wrong with avoiding pain, mental and physical, I mean some pain you have to deal with but avoiding extreme pain, why would you walk into that willingly.

You know the funny thing is Mum is the biggest sook of all, even something minor like a cold and its the end of the world. She is overboard with most things uncomfortable, if it serves her purpose, an excuse to stay in bed. I get the back pain, that sucks and I understand, I would think her being in a level of spinal pain, having some experience with it and being able to comprehend that its happening in two spots in my back etc etc. that she would appreciate my pain and what I do regardless.

I feel like Im doing better mentally because Im not currently hallucinating, I feel like thats a major issue, like its a step away from hospital. Which makes me feel like they missed the window with the whole psychiatrist thing, you know all the mucking around. Like its taken months to get a referral and start moving on with this process and in the mean time, the crital issues have resolved themselves. Though I am really stuggling with depression, again you would think that given I have a procedure to resolve my pain I would be doing well in that regard. But Im not getting my hopes up, Ive been down this road before I wound up in more pain than before. So, until its all settled the jury is out.

You know it would be great to find a psychiatrist who would take the time and read all this crap I write. Im sure it would give them better insight into my world and show them whats going on. It would be much easier than talking to them week after week. Talking, Im not a fan of it really. I find writing so much easier. I can take my time, I can consider what Im writing, I can rewrite it if I change my mind, add to it what Ive misssed. Talking its just what you say theres no backspace, no do over. When you leave the office what you have said is it, if you remember something you cant call and add to it. Writing is impersonal accoring to some, but I think you get a more honest information. What people say is tainted, stories are passed down over generations and over being repeated and little things are changed, small lies and imbellisments are added and eventually become fact. We say stuff in the heat of the moment that we dont mean, we havent thought through. Some people would say thats our true and honest self but I think the true and honest self is the one that is thought through. Most of the time we dont act on impulse, in the heat of the moment. Most the time we think, we consider and evaluate then act, even if it happens remarkedly fast, that process happens. But in an emotional environment, with mental health issues in the mix we can say things we dont mean which could have a profound influence on the thought process of the psychiatrist. All that to say, it would be cool if a psych would read my crap.

There is so much more going on in my head but thats it, Im going to bed. Part of me wouldnt be suprised if I start at it again during the night.

My family has this thing where I should be appear normal despite not being normal. I have serious mental health issues which mean that acting and responding like others doesnt always happen. Which leads to the other thing, dont show or complain about symptoms even if you're being affected by them. So with my back, even if Im in agony I cant show it, I cant complain about it and be limited by it. Same with my mental health.

This concept of me just being normal regardless of my circumstances serves to push me to be more active around the house etc without guilt. They can put my pain both mental and physical to me being pathetic and not knowing what real pain is. My sister is the only one that can really say what real pain is, again both physical and mental. Allowing themselves to consider me pathetic and not really knowing what pain is allows them to try and enforce the concept of me just being normal regardles of anything.

I am very capable of ignoring and carrying on as best I can. No matter what I do Im never going to convince either my sister and my Mum that Im actually in significant pain, mentally and physically and that the treatment/medication Im getting and am on is actually warranted. I mean, doctors and specialists arent going to do mutilple procedures, prescribe serious medication, medication my sister cant get anymore, work on urgent medical care, even prioritising me over my sister for an appointment with the psychiatrist, they arent going to do these things if there wasnt seriously concerning. I know full well that I am justified to take a step back both physically and mentally and deal with my medical and mental issues. So, I dont really engage in the, for lack of a better word, attacks. The digs, the grumps, the outright goes at me, dont change what Im doing and dont improve their chances in me doing more than what I can.

It would be so much more understanding of them, dare I say loving if they were to just believe me, believe what the doctors and specialist said and work with me to help me to get better. To maintain my situations until they can be dealt with. Like how hard would it be to not try and make me feel like shit because I cant do stuff, rather get behind me and understand the situation. With my finances, actually believe that there was a mental health issue at play that caused the initial of my troubles and have contributed since. Being appreciated for what I can do and the fact that I do push myself to do things that hurt, that cause pain would be wonderful. Not being made to feel guilty, lazy and useless because of disabilities would really mean the world to me. That said, if they did ligitamently realised they were wrong I would still find it hard not to find it as disengenuis.

I didnt include Dad in the above much because he just does whatever he is instructed, to a degree, I mean he isnt understanding at all, he's in pain and pushes through so why cant I. I mean the pain is different between the two of us, I cant understand the pain he's in or how he can just keep going making it worse. Because if I do the same, Im crippled, I cant move and thats after a short amount of time.

Heres something unbelivable, my support people suggested that I go to GROW meetings locally, as did my sisters. I had planned to ring grow today but found out that my sister was starting today so I waited to talk to her. I suggested that we do a one week on one week off kinda thing as my support people want us seperated and honestly so do it. We are so intertwined etc I want to have something like this thats mine, people who dont know that we are related, not because I have a problem with people knowing or am ashamed, I just want something seperate. Well my sister cant understand so too bad, rather than allowing us to share it and just being ok with not understanding but my support people say its not a good idea and coming to a comprimise she is just going to do what she wants, screw my mental health, hers is so much more important. I just said that if its too hard, then Ill find another group to attend and I think thats what Ill do. Its too hard and if I push the issue it will be woe is me and Ill have a fight with Mum who will instantly take my sisters side.

I think what ever I do, GROW wise, I will start after the procedure. Things like that tend to involve a fair bit of standing and walking around while you interact with people, which I cant do. Once Ive had the procedure, all going well, I will be able to do a lot more, I will not be so restricted by pain. Ive been thinking about life after the procedure, I will have so much more freedom, I wont be so limited and restricted. Of course there is a period of time where I will have to recondition my body, I will have to work at increasing range and mobility, its not going to come back over night with the procedure, it will take time. But it will come back. I know my Dad is very keen on the procedure, partly because he wants me out of pain, but also because I will be able to do more. I do intend to take on my chores from before, but if he thinks that I am going to stay house bound cleaning and helping and shit thats not going to happen. Im not getting out of pain to be a servant. I want to do stuff, I want to meet people, I want to go to the gym, I want to have a go at lawn bowls, I want to find ways to enjoy my life. I know he wants me and so does Mum to be a little version of him, subserviant, meek, obediant, just living life to do work, but thats certainly not me. Its not so much that I dont want to help, but more so that there is more to life than going from one task to another. Waking up in the morning to go to work to get home in time to dig a stump, move furniture, paint the house etc. and doing the same on weekends. If you want to see my mental health go really off the rails then that would be one way to do it. I also enjoy writing, playing on my tablet, watching TV those things wont stop and I dont want to be made to feel guilty about enjoying those things.

There is a really big issue surrounding sleep in our family. My Mum sleeps like heaps, days at a time. For some reason and I have been guilty of this, there is a big issue, primarily from Dad and my sister. Mum doesnt really come out of her room, she doesnt really participate in the household, like she doesnt cook or clean or spend time with anyone other than my sister. If she spends time with my Dad its normally telling him how useless, horrible etc he is. If shes awake shes watching TV, she might do a bit in her room, but generally she isnt doing much. So why not sleep, if she is tired be it from her heart or from depression, shes tired. Let her sleep.

My sister irritates me, she will go days with out sleep, skip one of her medications so she is less likely to sleep, you know the one that helps you sleep, slows down your mind and allows you to have a break. But instead of taking it and having a break, going to sleep, she stays up all night. A lot of the time she falls asleep at the table, she is that tired, but that stubborn that she calls asleep at the table instead of going to bed. No matter how many people tell her, me included, she will not establish and adhere to a regular sleep cycle. Then after a few days, she crashes out and sleeps, in her bed, all night, then half the day at the table. We are supposed to tip toe around her asleep on the table or in her bed if shes slept all day too. Dad tells me to turn down my tablet, in the kitchen quite a distance from my sister (when shes in bed), though she sleeps through it at the table. I really get grumpy with sleeping at the table, again if your tired sleep, but do it in your bed, have some respect for those you live with. But just as much, get your shit together and just go to bed at night, its not hard.

My sleep shits me to tears. I used to have pretty well defined bedtime and wake time but since the whole back thing and the pain meds its been well out of wack. I go to bed around 7-8pm sometimes a little later but not often. I wake, when I wake. Anywhere from 5-11am. I often have a nap at some point during the day. Over the couse of my time in bed I will wake up 3-5 times and be up for atleast an hour. Its worse at the moment cause I have stopped the meds that slow your mind and help you sleep. I am pretty well constantly tired, no matter how long I stay in bed it never seems enough. I get a lot of gruff from my sister about my sleep, I go to bed to early (a long standing problem for her), I currently get up too late and I shouldnt need the naps. Again, what am I doing at 8pm, watching TV, no one is doing much, we have generally all had tea, if not I have. So why not go to bed, Im tired stuff it. Also, I was on medication that required me to eat after taking them, so I would take my meds which involved a fair number of sedatives so by the time I had my meds and had tea it was around 8pm, I sorta got into a pattern. She would be annoyed with the time I get up, I shouldnt need that much sleep, but if you take out all the breaks from sleeping it works out to normally 7-8hrs. And the nap, its medication based so I should just get over that.

As Ive said I watch a fair amount of TV and FB watch, normally FB watch is watched when Im having a smoke, but as Im giving that up tomorrow that will stop. But what Ive found is that I am increasingly finding it harder to watch anything where there is arguments and violence, mainly where its real but if its convincing I will struggle with anything argumentative on TV. It just grates at me, especially argumentitive stuff, anything where there is manipulation and disrespect does me in. Like in the 1st Admentment Auditors where they are doing everything to start an argument or someone is pulled over and just off the bad are argumentative. I used to enjoy watching this but I cant handle it anymore. Im finding anything to do with manipulation and degradation of others hard, I can deal with small amounts but not much.

I just dont think that there is any reason to treat others, be it family members or not, as if they are beneath you, I never have, its not part of my DNA. Just treat people fairly and well, like you want to be treated. It sounds like what all people want, who wouldnt, your not a horrible person. But it seems to me that its become normalised, as Ive stated my family do not treat me this way, I am not treated fairly, I am treated as if I am beneath them. But we promote it on TV, reality TV is horrible for that. House wifes of whatever that sorta shit. You know, the these sorta shows thrive off conflict between parties, they thrive off people belittling others. Our society has this thing that unless you have certain things you are not worth the dignity afforded to different social classes. You know unless you have a nice house, great furniture, flash car, wife/husband and a kid or two, you havnt made it, you havent risen to a place where you mean as much as those who have. We pit person against person, conflicts in the workplace, people stiving for a promotion, you deserve it not the other person. You're better than them. Gossip, gossips great, letting others know how you dont think another did this right, did you hear this about so and so, blah blah blah. Between my Mum and sister, this is huge, how Dad and/or I did this or that, didnt do this or that. Said this, didnt say that etc.

Mum's sole (pretty well) source of information about whats going on down in the rest of the house is my sister. Dad tells her bits and pieces. Im not exactly like that, Im not one to go down and say my sister this, or my sister that. I never have been, but at our age I dont think its warranted. But Mum believes everything my sister says, she says she doesnt but her actions say otherwise. She takes what my sister says as gospel, both Dad and I have been on the receiving of Mum going off based on what my sister has said, when what my sister has said had been manipulated to make us look worse than we were and her not to seem quite as bad. Because what my sister says is gospel neither Dad or I have the right to tell our side, to defend ourselves, the decision has already been made so it wouldnt matter if we did.

I dont know if Mum realises that she is being so one sided, that there is so much manipulation going on, I mean from my sister and from my Mum, because I know for sure she adds her little twist to things. My sister and Mum talk and go back and forward adding to the story as they go along. Not only is manipulation between them but Mum and my sister manipulate what happened etc to suit their agenda. The view my Mum has of my Dad, some of which is deserved, is well off mark with things. I mean I grew up with the attitude that Dad didnt want to spend time with us kids growing up, that she would beg him to, but on the other hand giving him things to do, like renovating the house, Dad wouldnt have come up with alot of that off his own back but would be driven by Mum to finish tasks because she didnt like the house the way it was, ie a ceiling down, get a new one up it doesnt look right. We went from house to house, time spent on renovating and building houses, she drove a lot of that, but it took Dad away from us kids. Not to say he wouldnt have found something else to do but given the opportunity it might have been us kids. But thats not the point, dont manipulate the story to make Dad into this horrible father, when omitting the part where you pushed him to do more stuff that took him away from us. Then there just the way he treats her, I dont know one way or the other if its all true but the way its told you were meek and mild, completely obedient. Yet now days, he is the one feeling abused, he is the one feeling like he is made to work all the time, he is the one scared to say anying back to you or say anything you might not want to hear. How does such a major polar change occur where the oppressor becomes the oppressed. I cant see it, I cant see how my Dad that is not at all assertive or demanding was so just with Mum, then to all the sudden Mum to turn around and do it to him.

It makes me feel like so much of my life and whats going on around me is a lie, thats what manipulation is its lying. Im not much a fan of Lying, Im sure Ive done it, be it knowingly or not, we all do it. But habitually doing it, making it your companion, doing it within your family to turn one against another. I really have an issue with that. My sister and Mum appear to be absolute experts at that, even if they are wrong and are caught out they just argue and repeat there stance, join together and winge and go on and on until you give in.

You know other than the medical people, doctors and specialist deciding that Im in a great deal of pain and putting me on a really high dose of pain killer. Other than medical people like doctors and psychiatrists stating I have severe mental health issues and medicating me as such. They have all agreed that I cant work. While I understand that you havent spoken to them directly and I cant be trusted to provide you a ligitament report of what they have said. I have been signed off work, basically indefinately, which should give you a decent indication that Im not supposed to be doing a whole heap, like say spending the day doing housework or out the back cleaning up. It might indicate that something is wrong. I wouldnt think that doctors etc. would prescribe incredibly strong pain medication, a whole range of medications for medical and mental reasons, I have rehab workers, I have a support worker, Im off work and on SCI. You would think, you would have to consider that there is something substantial wrong and maybe Im not putting it on.

I feel like such a failure, nothing in my life is the way it should be. Which really means Im not what I should be. The only thing Ive got going for me is my job and my medical and mental health is likely pushing that. My employer is good to me but they have been having to look after me in my hobbled state for a long time. I have nothing of worth of my own, not even a car. Financially Im in ruins. I dont want a relationship and I am supposed to. I dont want kids and Im supposed to. I dont have any hobbies. I dont have a place of my own. I dont even have my health. Whats the point, I mean seriously, its overwhelming to consider actually achieving any of the above, how I even go from where I am to having a place of my own, escaping this place.

My sister has decided to do a walk thing to raise money for medical research, which is fine. Shes seeking donations and ofcourse came to me, I said that I doubt it, honestly I cant afford to donate, I give enough money to medical things, I dont need to actually give it away. I dont know how I am going to make it to my next pay, its like 22 days away and Ive got like a grand. Much of my pay went to paying for a procedure and other medical cost. Ive still got to buy this months medication, I think Im on top of bills so I might scrape through. I am waiting for Mum or Dad to have a go at me and tell me that I need to "donate" something, because my sister winged that I said I wasnt.

Shes also asked Dad, he retrired and for some reason doesnt see any of his pension for another 2 months. He has helped me out with my upcoming procedure and has been hammered to pay my sister back money he apparently owes her. The last bill he said today, that he cant pay it, he doesnt have the money. He doesnt know how he will make it to when he gets any income. I honestly think that the family is gonna hit a difficult period. Mum might have to pull her finger out and pay what she owes and contribute to the household, I have a feeling though somehow its going to be me that Mum will look too to "help".

I want to go to bed, Ive had enough of today, like it hasnt been a bad day but Ive had enough. I had to fill in my paperwork for the procedure which took longer than normal as I had to find an app to do it with as I have lost my stylus. I also had to pay for it, which means spending more of Dads money. As said he doesnt have the money and it puts me more in debt. I want to go to bed but I cant. When I started getting ready I gave my sister her medication, typically that is enough for her to do it soon but tonight she decides not to do it, she spends some time picking her face and now has gone down to Mum, which could be quite a while. Dads on the phone, he should be off soonish (I hope) so Im gonna ask him to deal with the medication. I havent felt terribly well today. I had really bad stomach ache this morning and ended up going back to bed. It settled a bit but has been persistant through out the day. Now I feel all blah in the head and I have a massive headache that OTC and prescription pain killers arent touching. Added to that my back has decided that big spasms is the way of it, they arent regular/often but its like they are building up into intense spasms that rock me. Thats around my lumbar, my shoulders and arms are spasming away but more minor spasms. I just want to go to bed and sleep through the crap.

Tomorrow I start the SANE Guided program, Im looking forward to it but at the same time a bit mute, I dont know what to talk about or if what Im now going through is worth their time, I mean at the time I was having a range of hallucinations which have stopped. That said, I tend to feel like muted just before an appointment like this, I dont know why but I lose all thought of what to say but come to the meeting and Im all good.

Today is going to be pretty emotionally charged, I contacted my team manager about support from the DAFV people, but its just an EAG and they dont actually provide support however they have contacted HR and someone from there is gonna give me a call. Also one of my old team leaders escaped DV is gonna call me and have a chat. Then I have the SANE Guided Services calling whichis alot for one day for me, if they all call tomorrow that is. So, I dont think Im gonna stop smoking tomorrow morning, I think Ill put it off a day, I dont really want to, I cant afford to but I dont think that Ill cope otherwise.

I went to bed at 8 and by 1am I am up for the second time but this time Im well awake. This no sedatives thing is really hard. I mean I always used to wake up a few times and Id be up for a while but I was tired. I mean Id often doze off sitting at the table for a few seconds, now Im awake awake. I think in a moment Ill pop into BP and get smokes and some iced coffee, maybe something to munch on, for some reason Im pretty hungry. I dont have an appointment with a GP until the 15th so like 9 days, so maybe by then Ill have dealt with the affects of not having them anymore but if Im still not sleeping I might have to talk to him about doing something. If he's not willing too 5 days later I have my main GP so I will have a chat to her.

Man, getting old sucks. I mean I get some of the aches and pains I have is age related. Im a big guy so leg and knee pain after this many years of abuse to my body its too be expected that I will ache etc the worst is hair tho. Ear hair and incredibly long eye brows. Im forever pulling out ear hair, like a dumb arse I use a lighter, fill my ear with gas and set it alight, not flicking the lighter on like Im lighting a smoke just brifly to set the gas alight and burn the hair. My eyebrows I tend to pull out, but eventually I get a hair cut and that deals with that, that usually occurs when my head hair or more so my side burns curl into my ears. It drives me nuts.

I really dont know if the shit thats going on at home constitutes abuse or how to articulate whats happening, I mean some of it sounds so petty but combined and as a pattern of actions that adds up to what seems to be to me is to torment me.

What I have noticed with this waking every couple hours, other than sitting up for an hour or two each time, is I really have to pee every time. Like Im desperate. I cant see how this would have anything to do with reducing meds but it started at the same time.

When I move I tend to groan a bit, anything from moving around in my seat, getting up/down and walking. I wouldnt think I do it heaps but apparently enough to annoy my sister. My Dad is 64 years old and he has been really rough on his body through out his life, he's the same but worse and really bugs my sister, like she winges about it and calls him out on it. I dont know why my sister has such a problem with either my Dad or I expressing discomfort, either of us expressing or be in pain. I mean my Dad has Non-Hodkins Lymphoma, he's in pain. He has worked incredibly physically all his life at home and often at work and not taken care of his body in the process (something Im not willing to do). So he is in alot of pain and discomfort. You know my reason. My sister will pull this out as a pity card infront of therapists etc but at home its like a switch, having any appreciation for that pain and discomfort is completely out the window. In fact she will ask Dad to do stuff that he clearly shouldnt be doing. Moving furniture and what not, he does that shit anyhow but I dont think he needs engouragement or the expectation to do these things. Mums the same, this expectation to be as physical active as he was when he was 25. He is gonna be active, he will keep going until he physically can not do it and mentally cant push through the pain. Both have the same expectation of me, to be active, to help move things and lift heavy things and its primarily based on us being male and we should do these things. Even as a kid I wasnt that way, I wasnt outside climbing trees etc that was my sister. Even now she is more likely to be moving furniture etc than me. Shes forever changing stuff around and does it at night on her own often enough. Shes in pain and gets it in her head something HAS to be done and cant get help so she does it herself. Like I dont have this drive that her room needs to be changed for the umpteen time, so I dont have the same motivation to deal with the pain moving furniture would bring. Its like me getting drinks and smokes, Im willing to deal with the pain, I dont have an expectation that either my sister or Dad would get it for me, but that doesnt mean I can come home and stack the dishwasher.

I was thinking about it last night, she does it with hearing, smell and to an extent eyesight. She is blessed/cursed with really good smell, hearing and to an extent vision. Her vision is a little less so as she has an issue which causes her to go double sighted, but to the best of my knowledge she does nothing about it, shes supposed to do excercises but I never see her do them, unless they have gotten better on their own, but when she was in hospital it was a massive issue. But apart from that perfect vision. Ive been wearing glasses since I was like 11 years old. My eyes have slowly gotten worse since then, though more slowly as I get older. Without my glasses on I can hardly see, like I dont take them off until I get on the bed for surgery as I cant get around confidently. But the few times that Ive been up without my glasses and she goes to show me something and I cant see its not like oh yeah, its like Im faking it for some reason.

Smell is a weird one, hers is either fictional or incredible, no one in the family can smell what she does. She goes into the fridge and OMG it stinks, some rooms the same. No one else can smell it but she can and its often so gross that she cant go in the room, use the fridge etc. I mean, she smells something in the fridge and tells someone else to clean it, cause she cant stand the smell.

I have two things with hearing, I have lousy hearing, I like things to be louder than others so I can hear it and understand it. I find it hard to understand people who speak softly, like if they are soft on the phone or their mic is too far away, even if they are on speaker phone sometimes I struggle and have hung up because its not worth it. I also have this thing where I am concentrating on something, everything around me just disappears, its drowned out. Ive had this thing since I was young, the number of times my parents and sister have scared the absolute crap out of me trying to getmy attention when I am doing this is beyond count. My sister on the other hand has phenominal hearing, she can hear a fly fart outside. She can hear my music playing on my phone at night even if its as low as I can hear sitting next to it. I have it on a 45 min timer but there is still issues even though she rarely sleeps in her damn bed and I go to bed several hours before her. Shes not convinced on the concentration thing, if it happens now she gets mad with me now.

So I just got told "You can have the GROW group". My sister didnt like it so with her entitled attitude she said I can have her scraps. Im happy about it, I think it will be good and Im not suprised she didnt like it. The time is far better for me than the other one I was looking at but it was just this I dont want it you have it, like her with food she doesnt like she gives it to Dad, like she is being generous but she really isnt.

I coughed yesterday, like proper cough. I dont have a cold or anything, I just well its probably smoking in reality but every now and then I cough a bit. But my sisters attitude about me being sick or anyone other than her, because she has an attitude about it with everyone, apparently she is the only one that can be sick etc. or maybe its just no one is as bad as her so its irrelevant. Anyhow I coughed a few times and I got "Wah, wah, get over it".

My Dad is clearly in a bad way today, best Ive got out of him is that he is in pain, he looks it. He doesnt appear right today. Ill keep a bit of an eye on him but my sister is complaining about the pots and pans on the counter near the kettle, apparently for the one or 2 hot drinks she will make this is an issue. He said that he will get to them later because he has to rearrange where they are stored. I cant do it cause I cant crouch down as I would need to and its made harder because even when Im not in huge amount of pain, the way it opens, its on a corner and one door doesnt open fully so me being the size I am, I dont really fit well, Im always worried that Im gonna break the door, the one that doesnt open well, trying to access that area. What gets me is, I mean Im not the most observant person but I can tell he's struggling, why cant she.

See she is observant, she notices pretty much everything that happens, the way people look, etc. Ever since she got home from hospital she has been less observant, its either that or she is noticing and not caring. Because she doesnt notice or show care when people are clearly in pain, sick etc. In so many ways it comes across that if its not about her she isnt interested. This thing that her pain, mental and physical, no one can come close to, its so much worse than anyone elses so no one elses matters, she can keep doing stuff so others can. She is not interested in listening to what is being said, its just what she thinks that matters.

Pain wise Im having a pretty ok day, Im spasming a bit but less than I have been. Im doing a couple loads of washing, which will probably agrivate things a little. I need to go to the chemist to get my next months meds and then into town to get some shopping, the chemist is local they look after me, they might be a tad more expensive but the services are far better than elsewhere. Anyhow, there isnt a grocery store local, like a Woolies so I have to go into town for that. Im getting my next lot of drinks, Im drinking 1.25 soft drinks now rather than 4 packs of Mother. Its cheaper and I like the taste. I get like 8 bottles of Vanilla Coke Zero and the same for Sunkist Zero for some variety. I very much expect that doing that will amp up the pain a fair bit, but at the level I am now I thiink I will manage. Id like to get into my room at some point but I think that wont be until tomorrow, it needs a decent clean but I think with 2 more phone calls that will be an hour each I imagine I will run out of time. I have done a couple loads of washing as I still do my own washing and hang it out, its hard and painful. The washing part if fine but hanging it out is a real challenge. Each load goes out on the line in two groups because I cant manage to do it in one hit. I have to have a break half way through, even then Im left in quite a lot of pain. Asking for help is no good, my sister doesnt even do her own and my Dad is lumped with hers, his and Mums so he doesnt want to do mine.

Im having a good pain day and I know if I told family then it would be put me to work day. They would probably not have considered the amount that they expected me to do and what I need to do wouldnt really rate as being important. They will probably see me moving bottles of drink in as another example of me being capable, therefore I should do more around the house but they are not seeing this as a rare activity and that I am pacing myself and that its important to me therefore Im willing to take on some more short term pain. Doing housework however on a daily basis, trying to pace myself through out the day, not spending time journaling etc, that isnt the same and its not something that can be maintained. I will get into pain, it will last an increasingly longer period of time until I am unable to do anything, including what I want to do, for an extended period of time.

Thats the thing thats not being seen, all the stuff that I am not doing, I dont mean housework, I mean stuff I want to and stuff I need to do. I am prioritising medical appointments and needs, even financially, shopping is on an as ability basis. Thats the main reason I was drinking Mother, it was easy to get. Its much more of a walk to get into a shop and get the soft drink. I also had to wait to go to the shops because my disability permit strangely disappeared, I have my suspisions that it went out the window at the hands of my sister. I had to wait until a replacement arrived. Im not going off and doing anything at the shops that isnt actually vital. I eat primarily Lite n Easy because its good for you, but its delivered and theres no cooking and washing up. I couldnt stand and cook a meal even if I desperately wanted too, that would be impossible at the moment. It kinda bugs me my two main chores are to feed the dogs, which arent mine and to do the dishes, which I dont really make any most the time. Occassionally Ill have cereal, but that isvery dependant on my ability to go to the shops and include that in the shopping, its not going to be a massive walk when I go grocery shopping, but other things are generally the priority and once I get them that little bit extra is just to painful to warrant. Hell I dont even where shoes anymore, between being a big guy and my back pain, managing to hold my leg in place to put on and tie up my shoes is just going to stir up the pain to the point that I wouldnt be able to go where I was intending by wearing the shoes.

Its amazing how little things can have such a large impact on pain, I mean a few more meters walking could mean being in pain for an hour or so or having to go lay down in agony. They also add up, doing little job one after the other might sound doable but without pacing, regular decent breaks its just like one big job according to the body. It also depends on the little job, I mean repeatedly bending over and up again to load and unload the dish washer is going to flare things up significantly, though this seems hard for my sister to grasp. You can help, but you have to be smart how you help and how much you help. I really struggle to take the rubbish out of the front seat of the car, bending over like that really bugs my back, bending over in general is not a great experience. Everytime, no matter how much stuff I get out of the car, complains that the car isnt clean enough. My sister trashed it while she was driving it, I dont know if that was ever an issue, but didnt clean it or anything when she stopped and bought her new car. So somehow its supposed to be my job to clean the car, I think like clean it, clean it. Once Ive had the procedure and recovered, I might be up to it but I dont know how she expects me to do it in my current condition.

It would seem that my continued use of Mums car is tied to my obedience to her and my sister. Not so much Mum but its been thown around a couple times that Im losing the car because I didnt do something or if I do do something. Its not just losing a car, its losing freedom and the ability to access medical care. Last time I heard and understood Dad was buying me a car but based on his financial position I doubt he can afford too, I might have spent the car money on my procedure. Even if I leave home, I dont know how I will do public transport, but I might be able too with the procedure coming up.

Thats something that is on my mind, how I am going to afford future procedures, there wont be so many but I will need to put aside several thousand dollars a year for the spinal procedures, as they will be common and the procedures for my bladder cancer. I havent been able to save this sorta money in my life but I am going to have to work a way where I do it or I am going to be in extreme pain and not getting treated for bladder cancer. Its really on my mind trying to work a way I do that. Quiting smoking is a big part, if I can get on NDIS that will help with a range of things, least of all my food, but its getting to that point.

I went to the shops and to the chemist. I managed to get what I needed at the shops but I cant bring in the drinks, thats too much today, they will have to sit there until tomorrow and Ill try then. I went to the chemist and got my Webster Packs and 2 other prescriptions, I was hoping for a small bill given my immediate financial position but $220, there will be plenty more prescriptions to put in this month. Each month I generally hit about $500 at the chemist. I asked how close to my Safety Net I am, I should be another 2 or so months based on history but $120 left to go, Ill probably clear that up in the next month, before my next pack, if not definately with my next pack. That will make a massive difference to how much Im paying at the chemist each month, it will still be a fair bit as 2 scripts are not on PBS so they cost $80 or $90 each which sucks. One of the medications I dont think is working anymore, Im gonna ask to trial going off it and see if there is a difference, it might save me a bit of money. The other one, well it works but not very consistantly so sometimes even though Im on it I end up quite wet other days nothing. The alternative medicine has some major side affects and wasnt at all recommeded by my GP at the time. Thats the one they chose to put on PBS.

I just had my Guide Service with SANE appointment, basically an intro into the program and setting up goals. It sounds really good, I think it will be good for me. Ive never spoken to a councillor before and if things go as stated, I think I might have missed out on a good service. Ive still got the phone call from one of the team leaders from work who escaped DFV at 5:30

Ive done a fair bit today, it started off with low pain, but Ive ended the day in a decent amount of pain. Im having intense spasms. I didnt even bring out the bottles of soft drink from the car. When I say that Ive done a fair bit, a fair bit for me currently, a couple loads of washing, some shopping, chemist and bringing in washing, thats not a huge amount. Theres a few appointments and writing in here thrown in but still its not much. But given how things are at the moment then its a lot and Im feeling it now. I still got to feed the dogs which will be a challenge tonight, but once thats done and my other appointment is done that will be the end of me today.

The appointment this evening was reshedualled as the office is really quiet and they were worried about being overheard. So we will do it at some stage tomorrow. Its one of the team leaders from my workplace who has been through DFV, so she would be worried about her own privacy as well.

Ive been sitting down for a while and the pain has settled into a dull roar, Ill be glad to get into bed and lay down tonight but if I spasm like I did the last couple nights when I laid down it will take a while to actually get asleep. Its something about laying down, it sets the spasms off more than being upright or seated and they are intense, lifting my head off the pillow is common, hence the difficulty sleeping.

Something was brought up in a post about being bullied and the link to mental health. I commented back but as you know my schooling years were quite violent I was attacked regularly. It came up in converstation recently and my sister recons it wasnt as bad as I make it out to be, that said my spinal pain and mental health is the same. I dont know how she determined this because we were in different grades and didnt really associate at school. My parents seem to be of the same opinion. As I said in my reply, I sought help with the school and my parents but got no where. I vaguely remember being made to see the school guideance councillor who I have a feeling made me feel like I was to blame for the others actions. The school acknowledged that it was happening but either couldnt or wouldnt take steps to stop it. My parents knew but I dont know what they did, if anything but at some point I stopped telling them that it was still happening. Even the final attack on the last day of school where I was knocked out went unremarked because whats the point, I wouldnt have to deal with them again.

I think I hold a grudge against more so my Dad because he should have done something, he was my Dad, I was a kid and he let them get away with attacking me over and over again. Its not like a "active" grudge more subconcious but its there. I dont think I hold Mum as accountable because she wasnt there for anyone for a number of years due to depression, I dont really feel like I felt like Mum was reliable growing up and besides I was scared of her, she'd yell and scream at the drop of a hat at you for just about anything. She wasnt afraid of "discipline" and I was made to be pretty self reliant, from a young age participating in maintaining the house was expected, more than chores I feel but maybe I have an incorrect recollection of my home life.

Very little is said about my assults at school now days, though it still affects me greatly. Even when I said that I had been diagnosed with Complex PTSD as a result of my schooling it was either barely responded to or dismissed entirely. But it has been mentioned a number of times how cruel the kids were at school because they barked at my sister. Im not disputing that it was cruel, not at all but it when you were also bullied and horrible things done to you but that is dismissed or minimised while anothers is recognised, its quite hurtful.

So apparently actually lifting my feet while I walk is rather difficult tonight. I just walked into the laundry fine and stepped over the vacuum shaft without issue, but turn around to get out and I kicked it a number of times, eventually I kicked it out the way and got out that way but completely unintentional. I have got a bit of a shuffle on tonight, not as bad as I used to have but Im sure its annoying my sister, we have had many words over me picking up my feet, which sometimes I just cant do at all. For some reason it drives both my sister and Mum up the wall.

Dad has had a rough day, he looks very much in pain. Mum wanted chicken, chips and salad for tea, which would have meant he, or I, would have to drive into town to get it, I dont know what happened but he is now cooking fish and veg for their tea. Which still, look at him, give him a break. I dont know why of all nights it cant be a night for frozen meals, like so many other nights are and just let him sit and recouperate but she has to push him when he is struggling. Its always nights that he is visably in pain or sick that she pushes the hardest. My sister wont get up and cook, she goes in and gets Maccas and that for Mum but something like chicken and chips, you know get out the car and get, drive thru is fine. I cant remember the last time she cooked, on this occassion it could be nice. I cant do it, Im in a lot of pain tonight and spasming, that said I very rarely cook because standing that long is too painful. I do on occassion help Dad and finish off something or look after it for a while, something that would never be asked of the sister, especially if Im around. Its something that Im kinda looking forward to is cooking a meal, what Ill cook I dont know, I may do a steak the way I like them, with mash. By the way I like them means medium rare, the way my Mum cooks them, which of course is the only way to cook them so everyone does it that way is to slow cook them for like an hour or so. Its nice but every now and then a medium rare steak is what I feel like, so yeah that may be it.

Im assuming its from stopping or reducing one of my meds but randomly my ear lobes heat up like really hot for a while and then they are fine again. Happens like 6-8 times a day for the past few days. Not hurting me so not worried but weird.

Just before I go to bed, I will say that I have noticed that my spasms occur primarily when Im resting or doing something that doesnt really involve much in the way of activity. It sorta dawned on my that when I go to the loo I dont spasm, then I realised when Im doing stuff in general they dont happen. But when I sit down to write, smoke (last day today) or go to bed, its on. I suppose their engaged or something when active and not when not and freak out somewhat.

Im not feeling very well today, I have a really upset stomach and keep getting really hot, like sweating hot, while doing nothing, on a cool day. I woke up in a pile of sweat. I had a pretty average sleep, I woke up 5 or 6 times, a few times it was after only like an hour in bed. I Went to bed at 9 and gave up at 11am the next day. I did have like 11 hours in bed but much of that was trying to get to sleep, spasms and carrying on. This seems to be the norm at the moment, I just cant settle and get a few hours sleep at a time. Its really frustrating as my Dad and to an extent or atleast she plays to it, my sister dont see all the time up, all the flailing about, the time trying to sleep etc. and that while Im in bed for a long time there is little restoritive sleep happening. But my sister doesnt sleep for a few days, or sleeps at the table and then crashes out and we all have to be super understanding etc cause she is so tired. But apparently my sleep disturbances dont warrant the same care and understanding.

I woke up at 9ish and really didnt feel great so i went back to bed and got up at a bit after 11. Dad had been cleaning inside and didnt appear to be in a great mood. He had been cleaning up my sisters puppys pee and poo stains on the carpet, because they are basically left there, like the poo is cleaned up but I dont think the carpet is cleaned after. Pee is basically left there, it might be mopped up a bit but again, not cleaned. There are stains all over the hallway. But ofcourse my sister cant clean it up, either properly when it happens or after, that would be taking responcibility for her dog. I can guarentee if it were my dog I would be cleaning it up, regardless of my back, Mum would make sure of that or I would be getting rid of the dog.

But my sister does tend to get preferential treatment, I mean she said about a bench seat out the front for when she waits for her support people. Next thing Dad has restored a bench seat and put it out the front, even though he was clearly struggling to carry it out there. But it might make my sister a bit happier, win some points. Dad bought her a glass house for her plants while she was in hospital, moved all her plants out there to save them. He organised and paid someone to help put it up. Like it would have been a grand or so spent trying to save her plants, hes not lending that money to her, but did it anyhow. Now he is being told he has to pay for the plants that died. My sister doesnt like the green house. He pulled down trees to put it where she had said that she would want one FFS. I mean he put a huge amount of effort into it, it wasnt enough, it wasnt the right glass house to begin with. She got the largest room in the house, except Mums, no questions asked, it was hers. She doesnt pay board, food anything like that. She smokes inside, Im forced outside regardless of the weather. She leaves Macca's Coke containers in the front yard and Dad just cleans it up for her. I would not get away with any of that, not for a moment, again regardless of my spinal situation. I am expected to look after my own shit, deal with things myself.

My Dad has helped my, and my sister, finacially a fair bit over the years. Finance is a bit of an issue within our family, Dad is treated like he is a never ending spring of cash. Mum buys what ever she wants or gets my sister to and just bills it to Dad. Like tens of thousands of dollars in less than a year. Thats just accepted, no one has to show any accountablity for this money. Im borrowing money, primarily for medical needs and that is a loan, with interest and a bit of a challenge to actually get. I very much doubt I will get another loan for a procedure etc. Im pretty much on my own here on medically. But when Dad is unable to pay my sister back, I guarentee all hell will break loose. Dad is focused on his next steps and that is somewhat a priority, but as I am the only one that knows I am the only one thats really being held to it. Nothings changed for my sister and Mum, but I feel like Ive been cut off.

I dont know if Im right or wrong but I believe that Dad is of the opinion that at a certain age I was expected to be a "man" and deal with my life, everything on my own. It doesnt apply to my sister because she is a girl, he is essentially responcible for her until she is married where as in his mind this doesnt apply to me because Im male. Mum has encouraged the thing of helping me regardless, I think, or Dad did it regardless but my need for financial help has always disappointed him. I should know how to deal with my finances and medical issues with very little teaching how to do that. I dont remember sitting down with Mum and/or Dad and learning how they managed to live of bugger all for a family of 4. I mean the family income was pretty average/low for many years and they still managed to get through. Ive not had in my adult life my Dad or Mum sit down with me and help me work out a budget of any kind, help me work out how to pay my debts and save money for future procedures etc. When I was released from hospital 10 years ago I lived in one of their investment properties. I lived off my face on medication, I didnt work, I didnt really do anything. I was supposed to pay rent, which apparently I wasnt, I was on a lower income etc. but at no point was there an intervention to actually help me, to help me manage things while an absolute space cadet, they allowed me to increase my debt and then made me to live with them.

Im trying to give up smoking, yesterday was a complete flop today Ive had like 5 so far which is pretty good, by now Id normally have had like 20. It is amazing how much of a grip smoking has on a person, its like something violently lays hands on you and makes you smoke, almost forces a smoke in your mouth.

I tend to go to bed pretty early, 7/8pm at night I think that is partly because I dont sleep well and that way I have a chance at getting a reasonable amount of sleep before I have to deal with another day. But there is a large amount that its because Im essentially bored, like for most the day Ive been watching TV and writing, if Ive run out of things to say for the day then whats the point. I dont want to just sit watching TV, being interupted by my sister randomly, leaving the opportunity for someone to have an issue with me over something. Wating for someone or people to have an argument about something. I dont know why but its almost always that arguments, people having digs at others etc happens at night.

For some reason my sister feels the need to spend the entire day out. I dont know what she finds to do the whole time but I suppose her goal of not being home is met. I dont get that either, 1/2 the time when she gets home she goes directly to see Mum and she spends time out txting her. She is supposed to be the main one that is causing her issues according to her so I dont know why she engages with her as much as she does. I do know that when she does I get worried/scared of the bullshit that I am about to be dumped into. I dont know how someone who is able to do as little as I can and realistically tries to keep to himself can get in so much trouble so regularly. I understand that doing the little I do is an issue, but keeping to myself, just let me be, you are gonna do your best to have an issue with what I say as often as you can and then take it to Mum to blow it up into a huge deal.

I dont get my sister, not a dig, maybe it is. Anyhow, she is starting a new diet, she doesnt really eat and when she does its not healthy so she saw a dietitian who put her on a plan. Awesome. But it involves yougurt at lunch time, so she bought a container that keeps it cool, but there is other stuff to keep cool. Rather than getting a cooler bag or something that will do the lot she appears to be getting individual cooler containers for the things she needs. Like the most expensive way around doing it you can. She needs ice packs for some DBT thing, well her 'color' for all that is purple which means she had to get a towel thing that is pink rather than use any old one from home. She gets all this stuff without seeing how she goes with the program etc first and see if she is going to be able to stick with it long term before she goes buying all this crap. She does this sorta thing all the time and then doesnt follow through with it. She must waste so much money trying to keep different things to a color and containers to the same kind etc. then not to use them or change her mind and return them, which happens just about all the time. Everything has to be the "right" thing, not always the most expensive but the best in her eyes. Then always lots of them, I mean its enough to do the job but theres almost always multiple of the item.

I dont have that kinda money to throw about, I use as much as I can from home and if I have to buy something its good but just good. Somethings I go all out on, my phone is the top of the line because I dont want to have limitations on something Ill use so much. If I can get an app, preferably free, to do the job thats what I do. I will find the cheapest route to get the desired outcome. Even then I get grief for "wasting" money. Im not really supposed to spend money that doesnt HAVE to be spent, all that money is supposed to go to Dad. Which is where things will be difficult putting money aside for the escape.

I slept in, not having had a good night sleep. My mind really didnt engage today until late afternoon. Like I had really no idea what was going on, I couldnt even write for most the day because I just wasnt switched on. I think thats probably due to not having my medication early enough, probably the Targen and that probably has something to do with why I dont feel well today. I cant say even at this time of night, Im still struggling to feel like Ive woken up. Because I slept in and had my meds later than normal, quite a bit later, Ill have to have my meds later tonight and later tomorrow to get back into rhythem.

The lady from work must have got caught up, its 5:30pm and I havent heard from her so Im assuming I wont today. Work can take over, It can get hectic quick and not stop for the day so Im not suprised. Turns out son with Chicken Pox and a busy day.

Mothers are supposed to be comforting, you know you go to them for hugs, advise, reassurance etc. I remember Mum as a kid gave great hugs. I know that she and Dad used to be sought after for advise, but I dont remember really seeking advise and I dont ever really remember feeling reassured by my Mum, like you got the truth and generally pretty frankly put, rare that there was anything that could be considered sugar coating. There was a big thing growing up that you showed Mum, and Dad, respect, that was a big thing, a way that respect was shown was obediance. It was immediate obediance that wasnt questioned, you did as you were told, when you were told and how you were told. Mum had a way about doing just about everything and you best do it the exact way she would do it, because that was the right way to do things or more so the only way to do those things. While Mum gave great hugs, that was between very ridged and demanding periods where you did the things she wanted you to do, how she wanted them done and when she told you to do it, if you got that right you probably would have gotten a hug, if you didnt, you might have had to redo the job right, if you took too long to start then likely you were yelled at, if you spoke back then that would generally be a more serious offence, that might have resulted in some form of discipline.

Mum doesnt believe that it was a significant part of our lifes but as I remember discipline was significant, not neccessarily being smacked, wooden spoon or belt, though that happened, more so to my sister than I. I was very much that if it seemed I was getting in trouble I would be in tears. What was not understood and still to this day its not understood that I was scared. I loved Mum terribly but at the same time I was very scared of her, Dad as well. Though he didnt really hit us etc. but Mum made him out to be this big scary man that will get me if I did something really wrong and given what Mum was capable of and she was referring to Dad for further "discipline" that was terrifying. To a kid that broke down over more minor disciplinary threats Mum yelling and screaming, even when it wasnt directed at me was terrifying. It didnt take much for me, when young, to break down. I was rather timid and Mum and Dad will agree to that so it stands to reason that yelling and screaming, which Mum was known for, threats of violence under the guise of discipline and the like would make me very scared and as such I became scared of the primary source of that.

I dont know exactly when but after years of abuse at home and at school there was a point in my mid-late teens where I started to challenge things much more, including Mum and taking her shit was less of an option. It didnt sit well and things between us changed. They have steadily decreased over the years. When I got into things that I cant mention here and they found out, that stuck with Mum I think and even once I recovered I wasnt forgiven, it has remained an issue to this day. When spoken about, its not spoke as just an experience or a point of my life, its spoken as if it were still alive, recent.

Now days I respect my Mum and Dad but Im not subserviant and blindly obediant, I still get made to do stuff that I dont want to do. Like this thing with making an appointment for the Family Therapy, its now been made on me to deal with, because my sister doesnt want to do it and has gone to Mum and got her on board and pushed until she has said in front of Mum for me to do it. Mum still has goes at me, but I tend to walk away. I stand my ground. Being respectful doesnt mean being a push over, it doesnt mean allowing yourself to be abused, it doesnt mean that you have to be obediant. Mum and I, I wouldnt say get on well. I just nodded my head in response to something and got in trouble for that because she cant hear that. I responded but not in a satisfactory way for her. Recently, she was down and my sister fell asleep, so Mum left because there was no point being down. I dont go out my way to engage her either, it never works out well, it always ends up her having a go at me or having a dig about Dad. She appears to be quite abusive towards Dad as well.

I dont really have much time for my family anymore in general. My sister follows in my Mums foot steps and just pushes and pushes until she gets her way because shes right and cant see someone elses point of view, if she can and doesnt agree with it then your just wrong and should be made to do as she says. If she doesnt understand then you're wrong. If you just plain dont want to do something, you never do anything and you should be made to do as commanded. Its like the appointment above, I dont do anything all day, even if Im doing what I can, Im sitting down and therefore should just make the appointment. Most of my appointments are on phone/video at the moment so I dont go out much. She spent the entire day today shopping. But she does everything if you ask her. We have similar number of appointments. But seriously she screwed us (Dad and I) over with the last appointment, so Im not overly engaged to do anything about it.

Mum, well see above. Dad, Ive lost time for him recently, because he and I talked and his response about everything was too bad, I cant or wont even try, to do anything. Reading into it, Im leaving as soon as I can, Ive checked out, Im just looking for a smooth exit.

I absoultly pounded out the hourss of sleep last night. I went to bed to lay down at 9pm, the next thing I knew it was 7 or 7:30. I went back to bed after a smoke and my alarm woke me at 9:30. I had a fair bit to do today along with an appointment at 11am. Its 2:30pm and I have finished the last of what I need to do. The only outstanding thing is the phone call from a Team Leader at work which I am waiting on. I dont know when that will be.

My sister just got home and I got that this house stinks, its me and my room, the door to my room is shut the whole time, I shower every couple days lately, though a new goal from my rehab person is daily. But apparently I alone stink out the house, I mean there is a wet dog smell but that seems to be not as bad as my stench. Lovely way to be greeted when she gets home, all going well it wont be that long and she wont have that issue anymore.

I had a meeting from my rehab coordinator this morning, went through plans for stuff. They were in place via doctors etc. She was impressed that I was across them all and thought they were good and well thought out. We had a general chat but couldnt be totally honest because as we were talking my sister came in shortly followed by my Dad. Neither were staying long, as I was told when I went to leave, but yeah they did and they decided to have a discussion from one end of the room to the other. Thankfully things were finishing up by that stage. She was impressed that I had dropped by half the number of smokes Im smoking. Despite how my family feels and acts, she was impressed by some of what I called small wins through out the last week and she was impressed by the number of steps I am still managing to take.

After our appointment I sent her a shortish email sorta outlining the environment Im in and my desire to leave once Im in a position to be able to.

The EAF asked for more context and information relating to the claim Im wanting to make. That was yesterday but it took until today for me to be up to doing it. That was a long email. I dont know what they will make of. Its hard to convey whats happenning and the effect that its having on me. To show how I view this as an abusive situation. I mean to an extent this is the only form of family Ive known so I dont really understand what a "normal" family looks like. But from what I understand, its not remotely normal and very much could be seen as abusive.

Rang Psych2U and got told the wait time is 4-6 weeks, so I have a fair wait ahead of me before I get a psychiatrist or a psychologist, which really sucks. Hopefully Ill have started my return to work by then and that this doesnt delay that.

Me doing this writing thing is apparently causing an issue, well at least my sister has an issue with it, if my sister has an issue with it then so does my Mum. I only write when I have nothing more vital to do, which is why I only started a little while ago. In her mind I should be doing so much more, I dont have any therapies, I dont have people I am speaking to regularly. This is as good as it gets for councilling for me at the momment. Even when I start therapies, Ill still use this as its a great way to get whats in my head out. Again, it doesnt matter what I need to do, its what Mum and sister think I should and should be able to do.

Its like its a competition for who's sickest, the only thing is Im not playing. She goes on about the number of appointments she has and how busy she is with them and then doing everything when shes home. What that everything is I have no idea but anyhow. I have my share of appointments as well, I do a lot via phone calls at the moment and emails not a huge amount face to face. It suits me fine but it would appear that they dont count as appointments or something. Maybe its because its thought that my appointments arent so emotional as my sisters, you know because its back stuff. She doesnt realise that there is a bit of mental stuff happening and the two dove tail together a lot.

Here's the thing she is in pain, mentally and physically and it might be the worst she has ever experienced, it might just be really bad for her. The same goes for me. Her pain is validated though, where mine isnt which automatically makes her pain worse. Id like to say that thats fine, they can think that way, just leave me alone. But its hurtful that the same validation for her pain and mental health issues isnt afforded to me. I dont care if they think she is in more pain than me or vice versa but at least believe what Im telling them, dont dismiss or deminish it. The pain is real and Im being truthful about the amount Im in. I still dont understand how they are judging the amount of pain its in, like deciding that the pain isnt as bad as I say, how are they determining that. I can barely express to the doctor how much pain Im in, let alone someone else judge me to determine the amount they believe me to be in.

Pain is bad today, I woke up pretty sore and its just built up through out the day. Spasms have started but not to severe. Im pretty worn out, bed even for a lay down is calling. Its been a pretty emotional day, add the increased pain and it makes me a pretty tired pretty quickly. I still got to feed the dogs but no one has bought food, which I said we were out of again last night. The buying them food part is not my responcibility. Dad didnt go in today, he took Mum in for her appointment and I sent him a message reminding him, he rang and in the end it was that he will have to bring Mum home and go back in, like he was waiting for me to offer. God knows how I would do it, especially today. Im annoyed enough that Im feeding them, let alone going in and buying them their food. Im not really eating at the moment, small amounts here and there but the idea of a meal makes me nauses so once the dogs are fed, I think Ill go to bed. If I wake up later tonight and Im feeling up to it Ill have something to eat. Im pretty sure that its related to medication changes.

My sister said today that her DBT psychologist had encouraged her to go to group to help speed things up. He wants her to get to a point where she not only wants to live but has a reason to live. Which I completely understand, Im looking for the same thing. Im looking for a reason to live and a desire to do the same. I mean I have my job and my debt, whats the point in that and my debt grows not reduces. In addition to all my debt I have all my medical issues, I live with family that who know, seems to be doing what they feel they have to but no more. If this is what I have to look forward to, even if Mum and Dad pass away, it probably wont improve much. My only way that I see improving things for me is not to be here either one way or the other so Im looking into how I can move successfully. My sister has a lot more support in her endevour. Dad says his only priority is making sure shes ok. Mum wants to be best friends with her again. Then she has the external supports. Me, maybe its because I havent attempted but Dad does help financially, though a loan I know he cant afford to give it but it becomes a burden that I have to carry on top of everything else. Mum, shes only interested in what I can do for her or how she can berate Dad, or me for a while. An actual relationship, supporting me etc. that shes not interested in. Though support wise she doesnt do much for my sister either. Maybe I am just looking for understanding and support in the wrong place. But I keep thinking, if you cant get understanding and support at home where can you?

I wonder how much my weight comes into it, like how much they blame me for my spinal issues because of how heavy I am. I agree Im a heavy guy and while my Pain Specialist is of the opinion that weight does not impact your spine as there is no evidence that it does. Knees, yes there is evidence, but none for backs. I kinda think that it has to play a part, I mean you cant be carrying 70kg extra and it not impact your body including your spine. So, I wonder how much blame my family puts on me for my spinal pain because of my weight. So, if Im to blame, there is no need to be empathetic etc. I think that while the issues with my spine arent from injury etc, but the issue and then the pain are different. If I was thinner, then I could have the same issue just with less pain.

A lot of my supports are postponing my next appointments until after my procedure, they want to see how that goes before next steps. Which makes sense, Im realistically on a holding pattern until that happens. As I think I said earlier, its going to be 4-6 weeks for me to make an appointment with the psychologist or psychiatrist so nothings really happening currently.

Sister asked earlier what was wrong and I told her I was sore, I mean it really goes without saying, but its a bit more than normal. So, whats the bet she is gonna make a comment or start something tonight. My Dad rang her about the dog food as he wasnt sure which one to get, shes the one that started them on this stuff. She had a fit, trying to get him to ring me, I got no idea what I feed them, Ive never looked at the name, just the amount to cut. Why would I dont get the stuff, I just feed it too them. She was splitting hairs as he didnt specify which dog's dog food, she was just being difficult. Then she rang Mum, who was with Dad, the person she just spoke to. To ask for them to get some certain frozen vegetables, because Dad keeps using hers and now she hardly has any left. An opportunity to throw Dad under the bus, cause now that will be an issue between Mum and Dad tonight, it will blow out to how he always does this etc. etc. Any time she can do that to Dad and I she will. Any time she can point out how either of us are at fault for something or are the ones behind something starting/happening she will make sure she points that out to Mum every opportunity she can. Anything she can do to make herself look better she will do, no matter the consequences for those who she is throwing under the bus.

She washed a bunch of new stuff that she bought for her meals and left it on the bench. I asked her to pack them up in preparation for feeding the dogs, she started with its not hard then nevermind. It wouldnt be hard, but its not mine to clean up, added to which I didnt want to break anything etc. I dont really want to touch anything of hers cause sure as shit, 5 years down the track something goes wrong with it, it will be my fault. She then complained that her bath towels arent drying over night cause its too cold so she has to use a new towel every day. Seriously, a new towel every day. Thats just, she doesnt do the washing etc so she doesnt care but for crying out loud, you dont need a new towel everyday. Now its on about her having a tick, FFS. Have I seen it, cause im just sitting watching her. Im having full on spasms, big enough to wake me, big enough to knock my chest and head off the bed, that come with a sharp pain. Have you noticed them?

Im clearly quite sick of it all, Im sick of the games, especially the ones my sister plays. Im not a game person, I tell people what I think more often than not, not going to others to get a person in trouble. Going to Dad wasnt about getting anyone in trouble but to prevent minor issues escallating into big issues for no reason. For there to be some understanding and compassion from Mum and my sister as to the pain (physicala and mental) Im in. Same regarding the medication reductions. Games irritate me, its dishonest and manipulative and I dont like either of those things. I like straight forward, I like simple, I like honest and integrity and I dont think those things are hard to do. They dont always get your way but your way is not always right.

My sister brought a new car a few weeks ago, Mum and I still havent been for a ride, Im worried that I wont fit, that the seat belt wont get around me, and this will be used as ammo against me by Mum and sister. My Mum is up and out at the moment, so my sister has offered to take her for a drive while shes up. Sounds nice enough, it just makes me wonder and get quite anxious about what they will talk about and how much more shit Ill be in when they get back. Because its either me, Dad or both of us that will end up in more shit. Every time I know they talk I get worried, its such a regular occurance that one of us end up in more shit after they talk.

Dad got home and Mum got into my sisters car, as soon as he saw me he asked what I had done wrong, that goes to show the concern both of us have when they are together. If I did something wrong, that means he isnt getting trouble. He wasnt joking either, he was serious, he listed off a number of things that I may or may not have done to cause an issue. It wasnt to preemt the fight etc either, it was to get ahead of it, to have a go at me for even causing a potential issue. While Dad and I share some of the same abuse, he hands it down to me by being mad at me for causing an issue, even if he knows it wasnt my intention, it wasnt my fault and it is all bullshit. Im still gonna have him mad at me because he has to be involved in another issue and its easier to have an issue with me than to stand up and say that its a crock of shit and protect me. The only thing he is doing is trying to protect himself, minimise the torrent of shit he gets in and has to deal with and stay out of it. Even if that mean beating me down as well.

Its very obvious that I cant depend on anyone in my family unless it suits their purposes. I definately cant trust them, anything I say will be used against me.

My sister is trying to set up the printer and she started with trying to get me to help, other than I am struggling to move, my whole back is in a huge amount of pain. I havent set up a printer in like 10 years, Ive got no idea now, technology has moved forward and left me behind. She said that she doesnt understand whats on the instructions and she needs help, turned out she hadnt even opened them. She doesnt want to do it, its boring stuff or whatever, she wants to palm it off to me so she will play dumb. The instructions are written so anyone can set it up at home, its basic and easy to follow. I am no more suited to do it than her. Im not up to doing it, again pain, bending over and mucking around is not high on my to do list. For once she is going to have to work it out herself added to which, its this time of night my spasms get worse. But seriously, the instructions are for everyday person, not a tech genius.

Im so sick of hearing how exhusted my sister is, like no one else in the family is exhusted. Generally I sleep in 1-2hr blocks with a break inbetween, I dont really sleep, like I sleep but I dont often get enough time with eyes closed to get into REM sleep. I always tired. My sister doesnt go to bed for days at a time, I get that there is an issue there but seriously go to bed if your tired. I go to bed early each night, which I get shit for, to try and make up for the poor sleep Im about to have. But Dad and I should be running around after my sister because of how "exhusted" she is. There is an element of doing it to yourself if you wont even go to bed. Dad, he doesnt sleep much because of anxiety etc. I mean none of us are sleeping well, properly or at all why should my sisters lack of sleep (discipline) be singled out.

This drives a lot of the do things so she doesnt have to, all I see her doing is going to appointments and shopping, a fair bit of picking her face. She doesnt cook, she isnt doing the lounge room, I dunno. But Im not doing anything, Im just writing on my tablet for hours at a time and no one really understands why so there is an issue with me doing, they will say there isnt an issue, just I need to help besides writing, well I do and how exactly is my sister contributing so greatly that no one knows how. I do my jobs, I make my targets and wins, I do what I am capable of on any given day, then or as I do it I write. I dont seee whats so wrong with that. But I have found something that helps and I kinda enjoy, so ofcourse someone has to come and try and screw that up.

I like this writing thing, I know what I say in here is private so I can say what I want without being told off for feeling the way I do. I know its the way I feel and that its not always factual. I know that changing up my meds has an influence on how I feel and its probably skewing my thinking. That is understood her and Im not judged or punished for it. I know its my feelings and my feelings are subjective to how I view things and that others will have a different view and different feeling and feel justified by what they say and do. But in here none of that matters, I can let it out however I see it however I view the situations. It feels nice.