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Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Mar 2023, 7:22 am AEDT

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

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In response to: Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor14 May 2023, 8:36 pm AEST

Re: Sick of the drama

@tyme

Ive basically come to that conclusion that Im staying out of the crap. Mum just came down and was crying and carrying on telling 1/2 truths and winging about the stuff my sister has been doing. I snapped at her that they were both having goes at each other. Which is true, my sister could just stop but she keeps the fight between them going, while my Mum eggs her on and causes fights. The situation between them is frustrating. I do feel for my Mum because she hasnt been told everything thats going on, why my sister is so mad and hurt by her. But I get why my sister isnt doing that at the moment, she needs to be in a position where she is ready.

The thing my sister is not realising what the affect of how she is going about things on the rest of the family, she has it in her head that its about her and it is but she also has to realise the pain she is causing others. Thats not to say stop, but there has to be a way where she can heal and move forward without destroying others in the process.

But thats my opinion and I share it on here but Im not voicing my opinions, Im not engaging in the crap. I will be there, I will go to family therapy where it is safe to voice things but Im going to be a lot more guarded and cautious what I say. Im either not being listened too, misconstrued, taken out of context or just get it wrong. Ive done my time trying to play mediator, trying to be the middle man to get both parties in the same book let alone the same page.

My sister has applied to something to move out. Given how things worked while she was in hospital for several months, I think it can be managed if she does. And who knows it might be good for her, it was good for me moving out, that seperation helped me grow as a person.

As for me moving out, Im so far beyond being in debt that Im 100% trapped here. Additionally given my medical costs I couldnt afford rent etc. I have my costs living at home but they are far less than what I would have living out of home. Plus there is far less responsibility living home. If the grrr between family members stopped, if there was some distance between my sister and Mum while they sorted their shit out, if there was a bit of understanding, a bit of compassion, a bit of respect things would be a lot better.

Im trapt, all I can do is withdraw from the carry on, try and protect my mental health, engage in healthy activities and better myself. I need to focus on me, while having others in the periferals (however you spell it) to make sure I am not hurting them or if I can help them, without hurting myself.

In response to: Re: Sick of the drama

tymeModerator14 May 2023, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: Sick of the drama

It sounds like staying out of it is all you can really do right now @ClockFace - for your own sake. Otherwise it'll not be good for anyone.

This is only my thinking.

In response to: Re: Sick of the drama

ClockFaceSenior Contributor15 May 2023, 6:59 pm AEST

Needing help isnt a sign of weakness

I surrender, Im not doing this anymore. If Mum and sister want to carry on and neither actually speak to each other but keep taking side shots and complaining to other family members about how horrible each other is then they can count me out. Mum tonight pushed me over the edge, coming down crying and carrying on like she is some kind of victim and completely innocent of any wrong doing just no. You made your bed lie in it. On the flip side my sister seems to be giving her bits and pieces of information, like you abused me, but it doesnt sound like any context, though that could be Mum mudding the waters. If your not going to tell her the full story yet then dont and dont give out bits of information, especially without context. At the moment both should go back to the respective corners and just wait, shut up, sit down and wait. Allow my sister to a) process everything and b) have some councilling, in general and regarding how to approach the situation with Mum. At the same time, Mum just needs to be patience and respectful that my sister is in a situation and needs some time. She could take the opportunity to get some councilling herself, but I highly doubt she would do that because a) she has nothing to need councilling over and b) how dare someone presume to challange Mum on any level. But instead we have two people that are sending text messages to one another, each having a go at the other in their own way and each complaining to me and Dad how bad the other is and how they arent coping etc. etc. It is a simple answer, stop texting one another, it goes away then, like everything, if one doesnt engage and simply says Im not engaging and leave it at that but no, for some reason they both have to be in it, as if its their sacred duty to fight this holy war.

Me, Ive tried to mitigate, Ive tried to understand and be understanding, Ive been on the fence and Ive been in one camp. Ive tried to make Mum understand that at the moment its about my sisters survival, not taking sides but encouring that we take a step back and look at the big picture. Now its time that I step aside and allow them to duke it out and I will have to just be ok with that. I have to be ok with them taking their path despite how destructive that path seems to be. I need to be looking out for my own well being, trying to reduce the damage being done from each party is causing me to have a great deal of stress and anxiety. My well being needs to become the focus for me, no one else is making it a priority. That doesnt mean I completely throw my hands up, I will still help, I will still look after my sister but I wont be allowing myself to be stuck in the middle or to be used. We have family councilling today and I am attending, I will participate and I will take home what they have to say but I wont be the driving factor in the process, my sister needs to step up a bit and my Dad a lot. Stop winging about how hard it is to stand up to Mum and just do it, stop lumping it on me and my sister to do it in hopes Mum will leave you alone in the process.

After all the BS yesterday my sister had a bad night and has ended up taking herself to hospital. I woke up at about 3 and she was in a bad way but didnt want to speak about anything. I sat with her a bit, actually felt hungry so decided to have something to eat but shortly after I finished I went to bed. I felt bad, like I should do something, I had no idea what, but I was tired, it was the middle of the night so my medications were definately kicking in and she didnt want my help so I went back to bed. Again I felt bad but what was I going to do? She was on the phone to lifeline, she was seeking help and she needs to work out how to get help, external to me. Again, Im not giving up on her, but I cant be her only source of support, though she has been finding different sources of support which has reduced the stress on me. I can now turn to my own wellbeing and hopefully improving the conditions at home.

I dont know whats up Dads arse today, he is in a foul mood. The only thing I can think of is the family councilling we have today. I know he is less than keen, Im assuming because they are, once again, going to be on about setting and keeping boundries, which Dad is not good with. He would rather take the easy way of doing what Mum says and then complaining about it to my sister and I, which doesnt help us. We are trying to put boundries in place, we are trying to reduce things in the house then Dad goes and does the stuff we have said no to, or worse still ask me to do it. The other day Mum asked Dad for some tea and zooper doopers. Dad askes me to do it, now I have had enough arguments about zooper doopers that everyone know I will not supply them to her, both sister and I have said to stop buying them. But no he buys them and then tells me to take them to her, so we can have an argument about it again. Not to mention the whole bringing tea to her, which we have said to stop. So I dare say that seeing people who will likely say do the things your kids and everyone else have been saying is probably stressing him out. Then there will be the accountability from prolonged appointments, someone other than us kids will be holding him to what he says he will do.

It doesnt help that my sister went to hospital this morning and he is freaking out about just getting there and how much it will cost if she doesnt come. There has been a few comments about the cost of it, its expensive but if she is needing hospital then that is far more important than going to therapy. She handed in medication, got burns dressed, had her hand/wrist x-ray, etc. so it was important she went. I just wish it would stop, the whole lot, though as I said, she is taking herself in which is a big step. I get that we arent rich, but again its the finances above the medical/mental needs . If it keeps her alive $500 is nothing, we could probably have it cancelled at no cost due to the circumstances.

We have a family therapy thing today that excludes Mum. Dad drove us down in his car, he seems to think that speed limits are the minimum speeds to drive at regardless of bends and curves in the road. So most the drive is just being thrown from one side to the other which is murder on my back. For some reason Dad doesnt click that it would be an issue. My sister realised the problem and told him to calm down, which he didn't understand why or what the problem was. He said that he was only doing 80km.

Eventually he calmed down, I was already quite sore. It stopped it getting worse but thinking it through earlier would have helped. The length of the drive hurts enough. He was a lot better on way home, pain was getting up there, driving or even being driven long distances causes issues.

Dad then dropped me off nearby where we were going and said for me to find the place. Again, i cant walk much so it was missing the point. I cant just wonder around thankfully it was easy to find. Turned out that where they parked was closer than where they dropped me off, which is good because the next time we come down I will likely have to drive myself as Ill be going to an appointment for myself before hand.

For some reason Ive once again become the contact for Mum. My sister for obvious reasons cant be the one who is ringing Mum etc. But Dad is now lumping whatever he can on me in regards to Mum. I know nobody wants to deal with her but her and I just fight, proper fight. I'm sick of defending others and ending up in the shit for it. Im kinda sick of someone wanting Mum contacted and them not wanting to do it and it being dumped on me to call her. I dont want to deal with her as much as anyone else, I want to avoid the fight that inevitably comes with contacting Mum.

We are in the waiting area and sister asks if I brought her afternoon meds. I said no. She had a crack at me that Im supposed to be looking after her medication, which is not true. Her medication is held in my lock box and its up to me to give her, her meds not take control of everything surrounding her meds, I cant do that. I will forget and forget regularly her afternoon meds. She is still responcibile for her medication, doses etc. I am here to protectt her from using her meds to harm herself.

I again got questioned as to what I was doing on my phone/tablet when writing something for SANE. We were waiting for our appointment and I was pretty anxious, so I took to writing on my phone part of the above. Apparently this was a deal, I told her what I was doing, then it was why, which again I explained, eyes rolled etc. I find writing very theraputic, Im not a creative writer, but I write about my experiences, feelings etc. I am always truthful from my perspective, others will have a different view and their truth will be different which is fine and normal. My feelings are my feelings and no one can deny them or tell me I am wrong to have the feelings I do. Writing on SANE means that someone might read it, there might be an audience, or there might not be but I can be really honest in what I write, Im not trying to prove anything, Im not winning peoples votes, its just me writing and expressing stuff that happened and how I feel about it. Very honestly, its the thing thats been keeping me sane over the past few months. Its been the best thing for my mental health in a long time. Its also safe, no one knows who I am, who my family is so I can be open, I feel that I am probably more open on here than I have been with psychiatrists/psychologists in the past. I can also consider what I am writing, think about it and change it. Sometimes Im wrong in what I have said, my emotions have gotten the better of me and I havent considered all the angles, there is no judgement of this. I can correct later, I can consider something differently, you know I am not trying to prove anything, there isnt any ego, its just my mind set at the time.

I might be selfish, I could be really wrong but I feel like my mental health is being ignored. I get it with my sister to a degree, she has a lot going on but it would be nice if she realised how serious my situation is, I may not have attempted anything but it doesnt mean its non-existant or I can just put it to the side while her situation is dealt with, I cant just put a hold on things, Im a fair bit messed up and sometimes Im not going to be able to control it and its going to spill over and if your in the way of that, Im sorry but its no different to when yours spill over to me and I am expected just to deal with it. But as I say to a degree I get that my sister is going to be a bit more rough edged and by the nature of both of us having serious mental health issues we are going to butt heads reasonable regularly.

I dont expect anything from Mum, I mean she is a magor trigger for each of us so how is she going to be of any assistance to any of us.

My Dad, probably because he is my Dad, he is the parent. He seems soley focused on my sister, stopping her from doing anything, and as I write that it dawned on me, he is focused on stopping the attempts. When we were at the family thing today that is what he wrote as his primary goal, both sister and I said about boundries. I was thinking that Dad was focused only on my sisters mental health and not mine and I was annoyed that he couldnt see that just because I havent attempted anything that I was in a seriously bad way as well. But and I could be wrong, I am thinking its just about the attempts not about the actual mental health, that can be dealt with by others, he just needs to make sure she lives.

The mental health component for both my sister is serious and that needs to be addressed and Dad needs to be involved in this and provide support to both of us. We are both being treated by teams of people, mine a bit smaller because I dont have NDIS supports that I can access. Its also taking longer to get my team in place because I am seeking a different team, Im focused on psychiatrist and psychologist, my sister has other supports, but they are two different mental health issues so they are treated differently. The problem is that Dad has his own mental health issues that he is essentially putting his head in the sand about. We were talking today and he is still having difficulty accepting that his wife has been abusive for the better part of their marrriage. I feel bad for Dad, he hurts so much but for one reason or another wont go and get help. Im sure if he got the right kinda help he could be so much happier, so much more at peace but there is something stopping him.

There seems to be a disconnect in our family between having mental health issues and seeking help. I mean Mum clearly needs psychiatric help, she has issues, that now everyone in the family can clearly see. She has hurts, unresolved issues and potentially mental health issues beyond Depression. But she will not see a psychiatrist, she used to see a psychologist, but my sister and Dad saw the same one and Mum essentially twisted everything to be about her and how she was being abused and that she did nothing wrong but everyone was against her. Now there might be some truth to some of what she said, I have no idea what happened behind closed doors between my Mum and my Dad. I do know that now and looking back Mum demanded a lot of Dad, she made plans for this and that and he was just supposed to carry them out, he was essentially the hired help but without pay. I know that he is berrated for not doing things exactly as instructed or how Mum expected them to be, regardless of her telling him or not. He wasnt permitted to make decisions on his own or for himself. I mean he is still worried about getting his hair cut by someone other than Mum because Mum wouldnt approve, Mum used to cut his and my hair, I stopped years ago, he continued I think primarily out of fear but not wanting to have a fight.

Mum could do with seeing a good psychiatrist and speaking to a good psychcologist, one that will listen to her but not just believe her at face value and get sucked into Mums false perceptions of the world.

Dad, I dont think needs to see a psychiatrist but does need some kinda therapy. He needs to accept the world for what it is and that he has alot of Trauma that he needs to work through. For that, maybe he does need to speak to a Psychiatrist and get a diagnosis of PTSD or CPTSD or what ever. He needs to work through issues and not pray about them or speak to a pastor, they are ok but he needs professional help, real help. Not saying a pastor cant provide help but not all pastors are councillors or even should be and a quick chat after church isnt the same as sitting down in a quiet room for 50min and really talking stuff through on a regular and consistant schedual.

Its really hard to be sick and try and take care of someone else who is sick. Im trying to make sure she doesnt do the things I want to. Im looking after the stuff that I would use myself. She sees her sickness and it takes alot for her to see past that, though I think she is more so now but I know when she is really sick she is not going to see the sickness in me and vice versa.

In response to: Malens Babble

justanotherguySenior Contributor15 May 2023, 7:32 pm AEST

Re: Check In

@tyme @ClockFace ,

Thanks for the mention. As alluded to in previous posts, my underlying 'mental health problems' mainly stem from other people, so I have been just dealing with things as best I can. Not sure if you or anyone else can relate, but people often talk of 'dealing with their demons'. In the modern world I seem to be endlessly dealing with other people's 'demons'. The media is just an endless torrent of human problems lately.

In response to: Re: Check In

ClockFaceSenior Contributor16 May 2023, 8:30 pm AEST

Re: Check In

@justanotherguy

The media is a torrent of wrong and hatred, I avoid most of it. I select what I watch carefully and stick to media streaming.

I get it many of my issues are founded in other people or influenced by others. I try and focus on my reaction to those people and events. I can control others, but I can control me. Thats part of why I like the forums so much, I can react and reply how I want and get it off my chest allowing me to react etc IRL the best I can.

In response to: Re: Check In

ClockFaceSenior Contributor16 May 2023, 8:49 pm AEST

Family meeting -1

Yesterday we went to the family meeting thing. It was alright, like its very structured, everything is mapped and noted. It was much more documented than I had anticipated anexperienced. It was a typical first appointment, just gathering information about what is going on. They looked at my sisters supports and ilnesses, they did the same for my Dad but primarily because they got side tracked and raan out of time, mine was completely missed. There was a lot of talk about Mum, she is the primary antaganist for each of us so it wasnt suprising to me that this was the case, my sister however was a bit suprised, she expected that it would be more about her. I think that there are a lot of supports that are centred around her primarily and lots of supports that are looking at things like Mum. I dont think every support can just be ablout sister, it would make her to self centred treatment wise, but its the same for the Mum stuff, if its all about Mum, sister would lose sight of herself in the issues.

We discussed a timeline of sorts and we all realised that this stuff has been going on for a lot of years prior to sisters stress related illness. I suppose this is something I was aware of prior to the meeting, I have distinct memories of saying Mum was controlling etc. as a child. I was aware from a young age that things werent right and that the family dynamic was off kilter. I think it settled for Dad that he has been in an abusive relationship for a significant part, if not all of their relationship. They have this relationship where Mum says this is whats happening, how its happening and when its happening and Dad obeys. They dont discuss things, Mum dictates and Dad does it, it seems in her mind thats discussing where no one else would. I mean it comes to color of the house and Mum goes through the selections, makes a decision and tells Dad what that is, if there is a choice given its not a choice from a range its a choice between 2 or 3 almost identical or 2 or 3 and he has to make the right choice. He doesnt have a choice, he has the chance to make the right selection.

On a side note sister is a bit the same with this, she gives opportunity to help make a choice but your supposed to make the right choice. It is this fake input into her life by aksing for input on different things, that arent really important but you are involved. I dunno if thats true but thats how it feels. Sister asks a lot of questions, she asks about how she looks, my opinion on a wide range of topics, but I dunno its stuff that I dont feel like I need to be involved in but if I told her any of that she would go to extreme and not ask anything. She just needs answer some of the simple questions for herself and have confident that she is ok. Like a simple thing, does what she is wearing look ok, both Dad and I will say yes pretty much every time, we dont know one way or the other. Its not that we dont care, its that we dont understand the question and we are going to answer how we assume we should. We dont want to upset her, or say the wrong thing. Added to which, I cant remember a time where she didnt get dressed and look good.

Sister doesnt remember much of our childhood, but she has realised sometime ago that the way Mum was treating her wasnt the right way, not one a parent has with a child or a friend as she claimed to be. This has been the basis of the many of the text message fights between my sister and I.

I have had an understanding, while somewhat limited, since when I was young that things werent right. They way I was treated was wrong and continued as I grew older so I was already on the page that Mum was treating us badly and abusively sine we were young.

The only person who seems completely unaware that their treatment of other family members is wrong and abusive is my Mum. My sister has told Mum that she has been abusive, they way Mum explains it, there was no context to this but Im sure there was, but Mum cant understand how she has been abusive. Thing with Mum though is she will talk like that, but will do it to me about stuff Ive said to her or that I have elaborated on for her but she will act dumb. You call her out on it and there is a moment that she stops and you can see she doesnt know what to say, but then she is on about something different, like change subject or she will double down on her story.

Again there was no discussion with me about any of the above. I felt like a bit of a dead weight in the meeting. I made a few contributions but I dont think I was of much benefit being there or that they really wanted to hear from me. That said, it was the first appointment and a lot of information was being flung around, Ill see what the next appointment is like. Id like to say that if Im not involved next meeting I might just not go but I need to be there for the information as to what we as a unit are to do about Mum. They do want to speak to Mum, which made us all concerned. There were a few options as to her attending but of course she wants to attend in person, which will mean either Dad or I will be taking her, likely me at this stage.

Driving down yesterday and the way Dad drove most the way down, along with the walking I did has really aggrivated my back, its really sore. It woke me up a couple times last night. In a minute Im going to take some breakthrough pain medication, Im pretty groggy as it is today so I imagine that extra pain killers are going put me over the edge and that will be it. scratch all that, I now have to go get scripts done for mother.

I just get home after over 1/2 an hr driving and waiting for Mum to say there are 2 more she needs, but I dont think she has scripts for. Im not going back in and im cerrtainly not driving in if there is no script, Im not doing 1 slip in advance, especially at my chemist who do so well by me. Heres the thing that pushes me over the edge, Mum goes on about not being allowed to drive. We are happy for her to drive, she can drive into the chemist and deal with her medications herself and she leaves it to the last minute, when she has run out and needs the next dose. But she puts that responcibility of ensuring she has medication no matter how close to wire she leaves it, when the reality is she can do it herself and be reponcibile for it.

Then Dad encourages it, instead of when he is contacted to get the meds he doesnt say he cant and she can go in herself, he palms it off to me and makes me do it, because everytime he palms shit off to me, he does it angrily and with a massive attiude so I feel forced to do stuff that Ive said I dont want to be apart of anymore. It shits me off, he has no respect for me, neither does Mum but he goes a step further. He knows I wont take Mum demanding it of me but that if he commands me then he has a better chance cause you dont want to piss Dad off. Your not given the option to be sick anymore, its a do it or else kinda thing. Its not often done, though more often lately. He clearly doesnt want to go down to see her so its up to me, even if its something Dad knows Im against, he doesnt care, so long as he doenst have to go down.

Dad does have an attitude towards me lately more and more, Im unable to do pretty much anything and its not getting "better" but in his mind it should be. Its been enough time that I should be "better" by now. He doesnt seem to get that its not something that will heal on its own, it needs a procedure at least if not more as they dont know exactly what is wrong. There hasnt even been an indication that they can fix it. My procedure isnt until August at this stage so Dad is really going to have to work out a way to deal with me being in lots of pain and incapable of doing many of the things that I used to do and be happy when I do things I normally am not doing. Because if I have a good day I do stuff. He is going to have to understand that I need to sleep during the day because of the pain killers, especially if I have a bad day and need to take breakthrough pain killers, Im going to be asleep a short time after.

I think cause Dad is in pain and my sister is in pain, so is my Mum but because Dad and sister are in pain and keep pushing forward that Dad gets irritated with me. He doesnt seem to understand the level of pain I am in, Im not on a small amount of pain medication, Im on incredibly high amounts, I have PBS involved in my medication because its so high. Im not proud of this but its the reality I have. I cant push through with the amount of pain Im in, its not like a stubbed to, its litterally something to do with the facet joints of my spine, thats pretty serious. So when I say Im in pain, Im really in pain and if I cant do something, its for a good damn reason.

He treats me the same when it comes to my mental health, just cause Im not trying to commit suicide doesnt mean Im not struggling, that I dont need help. But Im put to the side as if my needs are just not important enough, that Im not important enough. Thats the way that Dad makes me feel so often, that I am just not nearly as important enough.

He just came in and asked if someone else can feed the dogs tonight, he cant move his hands, which given his activities today I understand, my sister immediatly turns to me and tells me to do it. I havent been doing it because its painful, the whole process, picking up the bowls (which Dad did for me) to emptying the tin, or as now even worse cutting up roll, but its the standing for the period of time doing it, its too much. My sister didnt want to do it, so again its lumped on me. None of the dogs are mine, 1/2 are my sisters but like so much that is her responncility she tries to palm it off to someone else. So Ive done it and Im back in the amount of pain I was earlier today, I dont know if I can have a second breakthrough pain killer but we gonna find out I think.

With all the walking, driving, sitting in uncomfortable seats etc yesterday my back has really flared up and I know that I am going to be in that position regularly for the foreseeable future. It means two days a week Im going to struggle.

I dont know why my sister tries to start fights. Dad has been giving her night meds, multiple of her team have said we should watch her take it and she fights it continuosly. I give up, she can have them when she wants. Im sick of fighting, she is so much like her Mum in this regards. Last night Mum came down and she decided to tell her that I had eaten a meal early morning, she is aware Im having issues eating and that the day prior I hadnt eaten, but I had an issue, which I believe to be medication based, where I would eat night/morning. So this was an attempt to start something. I said that I had barely eaten and Mum huffed, I ignored, my sister tried again to start something. I dont know why she cant just leave well enough alone, why she has to try and have a fight over minor things. She does, when she feels like it, enjoy dumping me and Dad in it, we dont do it to her but she loves doing it to us.

I had a 3 hour nap today but Im really tired, I dont have any patience, Im in a lot of pain and its got me off my food again. I think its time for a smoke (No I havent stopped yet) and bed.

In response to: Family meeting -1

ClockFaceSenior Contributor17 May 2023, 7:02 pm AEST

A lot about family

Im so sick of hearing from my sister that she is so fn tired "I have no idea". Firstly you are not the only person who is tired or has been. YOU have no idea how tired I was when I was looking after you in hospital. You dont have exlusivity on tired, because for whatever reason you sleep at the table or not at all for night after night. Everyone has tried to get you to go to actual bed and you refuse. If you were to get into a routine where you went to bed and got up around the same time each day and night you wouldnt feel so tired, so often.

I go to bed early and am sleeping in a bit at the moment, with often having naps inbetween because of medication but normally I go to bed at a certain time and wake up at a certain time and often that is early on both but I get the sleep I need, sister thinks/acts that I get too much sleep. I take into account the number of times and how long I will wake during the night, also I seem to need more sleep than most but that said she doesnt get enough and has issues with undersleeping so she isnt in a position to say I sleep too much.

She needs to get her shit together regarding sleep, it will help her manage things so much better. I dont understand how hard it is to take your meds and then go to bed. I know one of the medications shes on quite well and the dose shes on will definately help her sleep but she has to make the choice to get into bed and work with the medication but instead she gets drowsy at the table and eventually the meds and how tired she is win and she falls asleep at the table, which is less than ideal.

She made another comment this morning, that she has made before and annoys the shit out of me. She had an appointment this morning but had put it under the name of the hairdresser, which is fine but I didnt know who that was in relation to what she did. So I asked and I was again grumped at that I didnt know that, that was her hairdresser. She hasnt had any new people join so I should have no excuse as to not remembering who people are in relation to what they do.

I dont remember my people, I keep notes or messages or have someway to identify who I am seeing for what purpose and company. I was doing ok with my sisters doctors etc when she was in hospital, but circumstances are different, I had met many of them, I had regular contact with them, I had a relationship with them. The ones she is talking about now, most I havent met, let alone had a conversation with or developed any kind of relationship. But mainly, I have no need to know each persons names and details, my sister is dealing with most of it on her own and I honestly dont have the mental capacity to retain anymore information like that, as I said Im forgetting my own and I have quite a few and a few that are new, hell I still get mixed up on my GP's name and Ive been seeing her for a long time.

Sister goes on about having givven me a couple weeks to remember, like she is oh so generous. Why should I remember them, I dont interact with most of them, the big one, they arent my support people.

My sister and I have been sharing a car, shes bought a new one which means no working out who has the car etc. The thing that has been a problem that I have kept my mouth shut on is she uses the car a lot more than me and regularly leaves it almost empty or of the red when I get it and I end up putting fuel in it. She has been winging to Dad that I have been doing this to her, not once have I left it on the red. I drive into town once a day and come home, Im usually gone 45min. She takes off in the car and can be gone the whole day or for a few hours. I dont mess about, I might have an appointment as well, but have far less than her. Im not saying either one of us does the wrong thing, I dont think she should leave the tank on empty. But we have probably got it ok overall. I dont think she has paid more or less and Im gonna call it even, regardless she gets a new car tomorrow so what does it matter.

What really bugged me is Dad immediately took her side, had a go at me about the fuel, I said about driving it home empty etc and the justified the little fuel I put in being the little driving I do. He said he didnt care, he pays for everything and doesnt get to use it, which is BS because my hands in my pocket quite a bit and so is my sisters. But, like normal, Dad immediately sided with my sister. She is still smoking inside etc. because he wont say shit to her but me, no problem.

Out of the blue I got a call from the Medical Association of Australia or something like that. Basically a couple months back I reported my then Urologist because he didnt leave any time between applying the gel and inserting the scope causing me a great deal of pain. I figured that it had been so long that they had ignored it or missed it and I gave up. But they called and they said the consultation period was longer than normal. They had split the complaint in two and another mob was going to investigate what he did, the ethics etc and they would continue to investigate the financial side. It was a suprise, a pleasent one. I dont care if I get any money out of it, I just want him repremanded or something because it was incredibly painful and a bit of patience would have stopped it being so.

Sister has so many issues with me that I hear about later that instead of poliely and civilily adressing them with me and talking them through she runs to Dad and winges and makes him have a go at me. I then defend my position, Dad ignores it and winges about his position and just tries to guilt me into doing what my sister has said which is not fair. Its no different when my Mum tries to manipulate my sister or Dad or guilts them. The difference is I take no notice. What bothers me the most is my sister a) thinks she has won, it doesnt bother that much I dont really care. but b)she treats me like there is no problem between us, she acts like she hasnt just used Dad to stick it in.

Im so sick of her asking me what I would do, what my thoughts are for just about any. Shes getting a new car, now she is trying to work out insurnace on it, shes got some quotes but doesnt know which one to go with, she asks me. I dont know what each policy covers, other than the cost of each I know nothing. I dont have enough information to make a decision, added to which my brain doesnt want to make decisions at the moment. She has asked a few things of late and my answer is, "I dont know" because I don't. I cant get myself to a position mentally to make a decision for you, I can barely get it to a position to make decisions about me. Mentally I am struggling, Im not computing things, she talks about conversations we have had and I remember having them when reminded but without that external kick start, not a chance, which means the actions I supposed to take from conversation dont happen. I just dont remember, I cant think right. Its worse in the afternoon when I start getting tired from the pain killers. I mean I make notes about this writing Im doing about topics I want to write about later or Ill forget it. I dont do anything mentally intensive or even a bit heavier load because I just cant sort it out. I watch FB Watch most the time. I attend my appointments and I sleep. But thats about it. When I start returning to work, it will be light load to begin with but I know it will be a challenge that I will have to build up but at the moment people just want me to go to full on from nothing, I really dont get how they think its possible. The biggest challenge in my life at the moment is writing this crap.

There is this thing that I should make phone calls like for take away etc. I dont know why, I hate doing it, I dont like dealing with getting the order right and then also talking to someone on the phone. I got to do it at work I dont need to do it at home. But then my sister is supposed to be touching base with one of the therapyist a couple times a day. Dad hasnt handed the info over so I said that to email them or call them to get the details. Next thing she was asking me to call them. I said no, sorry. I was not in the mood to call, to deal with her stuff again. She can make the call, I didnt feel up to calling anything. Im to tired, Im too worn out and Im too sore to make a call for her.

Since I took a step back my sister has had an attitude with me, she ignores my issues and limitations unless she can use them to make a point or get something she wants. She treats me like Im not in as much pain as I say I am, I mean the meds Im on would indicate that I am. The fact that I have at least 1 procedure coming up would indicate that I am. Just because some time has passed doesnt mean I have got better. And its the same with my mental health, just cause your getting help or I havent tried to commit suicide doesnt mean my issues arent as real as yours. She can dial in the attiude. I mean there is an attitude about me writing on here, whats it to her. No one knows who I am, no one knows who anyone is but it helps me. It is my only outlet that I can be completly open.

While she is at it, she can adopt some of the things we started while she was in hospital. One of the big ones is shutting the hallway door, it warms up the kitchen/dining quicker but the hallway etc doesnt get warmed up so it just means the kitchen/lounge stays cooler. But it keeps the dogs calmer, they dont play inside as much and its just a lot quieter.

I did feed the dogs for Dad again tonight, he has swollen hands and buggered knuckles, along with knees from putting in grout into slate pavers. It didnt hurt quite so much tonight, I didnt have the pain from our trip etc. but I did part of it and then stopped and had a break before doing the rest. It drove the dogs mental but I think thats the way Im going to have to do it if I need to do it. Im still sore but I dont think Im needing breakthrough pain relief.

Ive been very irritable of late, its getting worse. A big part of it is being itchy, which Ive worked out is from the new pain relief, the dose is high enough now that it is getting really annoying, it gets worse with heat, so if I warm up in bed I wake up itching like crazy, its worse again if I have to take break through medications, it gets worse.

I been really irritable with both my Dad and my sister. Dad just annoys me, he takes my sisters side without talking to me pretty much everytime. My sister is just getting on my nerves, she fights about her meds, she doesnt seem to get the seriousness of what she did and that I along with her GP and Suicide Prevention person are trying to stop it happening again and she just needs to do what shes told. Ive gotten over the fight and given in. If the GP and Suicide Prevention Person wants to do it then they can come out and get it done right. As I said, Im done. This is her attitude to alot of stuff, its all about her. Even the Family Councilling, she was suprised that there wasnt more about her, its about the family, and then she doesnt even comply with the request made to her by the person running the show there. She was more intent in getting the best deal on her insurance for her new car, which I get but which is more important, saving a few $ on insurance or save your life?

There is no allowance for others for there issues, your just supposed to be on your best at all times. Im at a point where Im ready to throw in the towel, hand over sisters meds to her or Dad and if there are so many issues with my money handling Dad can take it over and he can work out how I make ends meet. He can deal with it and leave me the hell alone.

In response to: A lot about family

tymeModerator17 May 2023, 7:26 pm AEST

Re: A lot about family

@ClockFace ,

Sounds like so much is going on. It sounds tough every way you turn.

I hope your sister will be able to access the support she needs so that you can be a little freer and be able to take care see to your own needs.

You have a big heart, and it seems like you are doing your best to support everybody.

Please remember your own self care.

In response to: Re: A lot about family

ClockFaceSenior Contributor18 May 2023, 8:49 pm AEST

Lots of stuff.

Im really not feeling it today, I dunno, I just fall over from last night. I just feel like I need to give in, Im sick of fighting with my sister, both direct and through Dad and Im sick of the firghts with my Mum. I mean they are not continous with Mum they are just everytime you have anything to do with her and if your not engaged directly in a fight its hearing the fights she is having with others and the issues she has with you via other people. There is nothing nice coming from her, Im always some kind of problem, but so is sister and Dad.

Sister does indeed have an issue with me, she has a meeting tomorrow, a case management meeting which she does not want me to attend because Im a dofus etc. All the sudden, after months of helping etc she doesnt want me involved because I am struggling to keep up with who is who in her management team, Im struggling to keep up with my own team, God I just got off the phone with her and she said about Mum and Dad leaving and I realised then why Dads car isnt out the front, I forgot that they had an appointment and it was talked about this morning. That said I get what is going on with sister, I remember most of what has and is happening but its not about knowing the ins and outs of of a ducks bum its about being there to support her. If she wants to push on ahead doing it alone, as she seems to want to, she is trying to force her own control of her medications, no matter how small amount she wants to be in charge of it. I dont honestly know how to deal with that.

The thing is, she keeps doing dodgy shit with medication. Not long ago she was keeping hold of one of her meds that she wasnt using at night, combined with OTC medication could have caused a big issue. There was fights about it and different stories the doctor told me one thing some time later sister told me another. Then she took herself to hospital a few nights ago, said she handed them the meds that she had found to the hospital. Last night she hands me more of the meds that she "forgot" about and said she had kept in case she needed them. there was enought there again, combined with OTC medication to cause a real problem and she wonders why I dont want her having any control over her medicatiion, because she cant be trusted with what she can get her hands on. Im not saying she as a person generally cant be trusted, or she is not trustworthy. What I am saying is its like being an addict, she will do anything to get what she needs to attempt to take her life. Wether she is actually wanting to do it or is just being prepared. I told my Dad today that we have to be more vigilant I suppose. Mum said after the fact that she had a feeling something was going to happen before her last attempt. I told Dad today that I have a feeling something is coming up, when my sister says she doesnt have anything to do anything I dont know I fully believe her, or that she isnt aware of a method for her to get what she would want to take to have another attempt.

All that kinda stuff I dont think is actually making it to her care team and if it is she is preventing it making it back to us. I think there is a deliberate disconnect being made between the care team and her family and that concerns me. I mean I wont force my way into things, she doesnt want all the help she can get, she thinks she knows better or that she can do it without us. I mean I get part of it might be her trying to protect me and the family from everything because we are all tired etc. I dont think thats a smart move. there are plenty of other ways she could do that that dont put her into jepordy.

Sister did decide to have a direct go at me last night about not doing enough at home. It gets me one minute she is trying to protect me from Dad's violent driving the next she is digging because I cant do stuff at home, when in fact Ive been doing more because Dad has hurt himself. She on the other hand isnt doing much, shes not even in the damn lounge fixing that up. She could empty and stack the dishwasher, neither Dad and I can do that. If I could be doing these things I would be, I was doing them all up until the procedure that initiated all the pain. Its not like I get a break from the pain, sitting down is painful, its just the least painful thing I can do bar laying down but I can only do either of those things for short periods. The pain killers arent eliminating the pain, they are making them tolerable for little activity, not for actually doing anything. If I do much above being sedative I end up needing more pain killers, which I dont like they make me itch and drowsy which isnt a great combination.

Its actually pretty hurtful people having a go or givving attitude because I cant do things, its like they think I dont want to but I have done everything to get pain relief sufficient to help at home, more so than deal with the pain for me. I mean, yes the procedure was a big part to be out of pain for me, but it would have allowed me to do so much more for my family. It might not be my primary motive but it has been a significant reason for the things Ive been doing pain management, and mental management because the healthier I am the more I can do.

Mentally Im a bit all over the place. I kinda want to give everything up and give it to someone else to deal with, Im clearly making a complete mess of everything according to everyone around me, so I feel like they can have a go and leave me alone. I went into this a bit more detail last night but yeah if I hand my finances etc to someone else then I dont have to try and to work it out anymore. Honestly, I want to concentrate on returning to work and dealing with my mental health, thats it. I dont want to worry about how I afford all my doctors appointments, food, bills etc. I cant focus on my back other than to protect it because I am just waiting on another procedure. So all I can concentrate on is my mental health.

My depression is really bad, I went 2 weeks without showering, though I think I will shower in the coming days which will be less than 2 weeks this time. My sleep is really broken. My mood is really low, I dont feel like I matter and that I am more a problem than anything else. Like I am an inconvienience and that now that my sister is pulling away from me, that I dont mean anything to her and she just wants to engage Dad as much as possible and winge to him to get her way. Dad is just seeing me as a challenge, I cant do anything, Im not able to help him. It just makes me feel like shit. Its not just them, its me, I cant do anything except the stuff on my tablet, I just consume and dont produce. So that makes my mood low, Id like to be doing more, just in general, Id like to be able to do something, non-work(housework) and enjoy something in my life. But I know I need to do the work thing before I can enjoy life. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy my job but there has to be more than just such a vanilla life, of work, pay bills and a bit of writing.

All my medical issues are getting me down. I have the new Urologist on Monday, which is pretty good timing because my pee has turned brown. I have my GP a couple times too, which again is good as I get the results of my pssychiatric assessment and can lodge my referrals for my Psychiatrist and Psychologist, but thats the high light of the week, doctors appointments and the opportunity to bring on more doctors. And its never simple, I saw Vanessa the other day and got an email from her today, Im getting a excersise physiologist so theres another medical person. I was excited that I have this person coming on board and then I was like, its good news but its medical stuff you dont get excited over medical things, not when you have as much going on as I do or should you say you shouldnt, new car yes excitement, new psychiatrist not so much.

My anxiety has calmed down but Im still shaking a fair bit, its pretty annoying. I get this feeling of doom quite a bit, just like a one of those big cement mixers dumping a load in my guts. Like the whole world is about to end and Im the only one who can stop it.

Having taken a step back in regards to my sister has helped a lot, the stress has reduced greatly. I mean now that she is home and driving there isnt much for me to do. The medication stuff stresses me out, I wish she would just pull her head in and accept the rules instead of fighting over each dose. I worry that she is going to try something again. Its a regular concern which she amps up with these "found" medications and filling in old scripts. But in general the not being intensily involved in everything and being able to concentrate on my own medical and mental health issues. Im still there for her but she doesnt need me at everything and making decisions for her. Though, being pushed aside like I did nothing for several months is pretty hurtful.

I'm really tired all the time. I don't know if it's the meds or depression to be honest. But I just want to be in bed all the time, it's not just sleep but it's comforting. I think that's why I'm wearing my Oodie as much, I mean it's cold but it's very comforting and calming. If I was just watching TV I'd have scooby my pillow pet. I just want the comforting feeling at the moment.

Psychotic symptoms have stopped which is nice. My mood just fluctuates between different levels of depressed. There isn't any jumping to really happy etc. It makes me wonder if I do actually have Bipolar if it's something else or is my medications really working that well? I wish my antidepressants worked that well.

My pain is really getting to me, ever since we went to the family therapy -1 my pain has been worse, not like by enough that I need breakthrough meds just enough that im more aware of it and limited by it. The pain and itching are waking me at night, the itching seems to be worse if I get too hot. Im much more sore just sitting and the pain above the butt crack is worse, sometimes sitting, especially in the car, is pretty painful. Lately Ive been getting a numb feeling coming up my spine to the back and top of my head. Its making me really irritable, I mean Im itchy half the time, then trying to sleep with that but I dont know what else to do, I mean I need the pain killers, its not the worse side affect but its frustrating as hell. I admit that I dont always cope the best with it, I dont know how to deal with the irritability. Family seem to be missing this, that the pain is causing more than just pain issues. That said they arent getting the level of pain I am in daily, that its painful for me to go from one end of the house to another and back again. Thats not a huge walk. Again sitting is painful, just sitting, Im moving 1/2 the time because I cant get comfortable. Driving is increasingly getting difficult, well painful. Its not that I am unable to or a danger, I can move, I can twist etc. its just more and more painful just to do it. I keep driving to a minimum, generally its one trip a day into town to collect supplies and my appointments, though I prefer them over skype type thing.

Eating continues to be an issue, I cant get much down. Ive had a couple nights where Ive eaten a full meal but it would be exceptionally rare that I have breakfast or lunch. Im still drinking, I generally drink 2ltrs of iced coffee and 4 cans of Mother. Not ideal but thats what Im doing at the moment. Generally I am very much a person of patterns and what I drink shows that as I know day to day thats what Im going to need and I will repeat that daily. Its the same with smoking, I smoke 40 a day, its not that I have it schedualled out etc, its just am so regular with when I go out for one or two, normally 2 that I can comfortably predict what I will drink, smoke and normally eat because its all the same. I eat lite n easy so my meals are the same amount each meal.

I worked it out about my sister thats actually bugging me, its not that I cant trust her or anything its that she is disrepectful to the rest of the family since coming home, its this attitude of entitlement, that she should have the things she is demanding. That she should have preferential treatment. That we dont matter if we get in the way of what she wanted. I mean she can be nice and generous but she can be demanding and me centred. What gets me is for several months I have been looking after her, I have been with her as much as possible, I have spent most my wage on fuel and maccas for her, I put my life on hold and made it all about her for months. But she only sees the money I owe her, most of which Im hoping will be covered by a grant, she can only see me having goes at her when she is acting out of her own best interests, she can only see the 'negatives' and when I have 'stuffed up' not all the times I have done everything I can to do/get what she wants. And I feel like my back issue arose and I was no longer as much or any use to her so she has just pushed me aside.

It was not long ago that she was having a go at Dad for making me smoke outside if Mum could smoke inside, now my sister is doing the exact same thing. Dad obviously hasnt done anything about me saying that its not fair, he has no respect or time for me. I say something that my sister is doing wrong or unfairly and nothing happens, nothing ever happens. My sister does the same thing and he has a crack at me. Again bottom of the pole, Mum complains, world spins, then if sister complains Dad spins. Mum, sister and Dad happily shit on me and dont listen to me or respect me at all. Really goes towards my depression and self worth, when my Dad cant even respect me and show me I have any worth and sure as hell my Mum isnt going to, where do I get my self worth? How do I feel I matter?

I dont know why but my back has been getting increasingly painful. Ive had to take some breakthrough pain relief. Ive yet to feed the dogs, which Ill have to because Dad has hurt himself and for some reason unknown to me sister is unable to do it. I dont like taking the extra pain killers, again I get itchy but also drowsy and I cant go to sleep as again, Ive got dogs to feed etc. I fed the dogs which was incredibly painful. I put the bowl down for one of my sisters dogs and she piped up that he didnt sit. She decides too do this on occassion but this time she was right, all I wanted to do was sit, so I didnt care if the dog sat or not I was giving it its food as quickly as possible and moving on. All I said was *Sisters Name* something along the lines of I cant.

For some reason she has decided that she is going to push the limits of what I can do pain wise and then bitch that Im not doing enough. Its kinda like that, its like she has decided enough of this pain shit time to move on, without taking into consideration how much pain I am in, doing anything. I went to this family thing for her and it was a big walk, Ive been in pain ever since, I mean it really caused me issues and she doesnt seem to get that or care Im not sure which. I mean Im sorry that my issue is having such an affect on you but seriously there isnt much I can do about it and its not like you havent just had a major issue that had a huge affect on me but I didnt sit there and tell you to get over it. Pain, mental health, sick, you cant always just get over it. They always have the opinion that I am being pathetic, overboard or something when it comes to pain, mental health and sickness. It like Im a liar or looking for excuses to do less or avoid doing stuff. The truth is Im trying to do what I can, Im working with medical people to be able to do stuff, I spend a lot of money on medical to be better. The mental health stuff I spend so Im not off my rocker completely. But as much as I spend Im not healthy, Im just a little less sick. Its the same with the pain meds, Im taking as much as I can, but Im not out of pain its just not as noticable but if I do something, not much all that pain comes flooding in.

Sister picked up new car today, spent the afternoon driving around by the sounds of it which is fair enough. I dont know what I think about her buying the car, shes been playing with the idea for a long time so its not impulsive. It will help home out with appointments etc. Its gonna be an issue when my Mum finds out, like a big issue. At some point my sister will regret buying it, I know through out this, her talking to Dad about it, the issue bound to happen with my Mum and her actually buying it I will be atleast part of the reason why she bought it. It was too much to share the car we had been between appointments and fuel, she, she complained that I wasnt paying my share of the fuel. Im not the one that brought it home on empty 3 times, I was putting fuel in it and the next day it was needing fuel again. I dont drive much, she does. I didnt argue that much, there really isnt any point her side will be taken over mine every time. But she has bought the car and that was her decision and at some point Ill wear the blame for that too and I dont think I care that much anymore. Dad and I get blamed for so much from Mum and sister, their decisions are our fault, they cant just accept they made a decision and wear the consequences, we never get the credit when its our fault and it works out well.

I over heard bits and pieces but there is stuff going on regarding my sisters medication and how they are handled. Ive made it as clear that Im quite happy not to do them, not to be involved at all. I got dumped the bigger safe and just expected that I would do the medication, while Dad says he has retired and can help more so I can go back to work. Im doing what I have been led to believe is the right thing as best I can, Ive admitted Im not a professional, Ive got no training, Ive got no experience. My only goal is to make sure my sister survives. Ive said very clearly, if her Suicide Prevention guy says she can have full time access to anything, any meds, her webster pack what ever I will do it. It will save me so much stress, Im looking forward to being able to hand it back. I dont know why a big deal needs to be made of it, just have him tell me what needs to change and off Ill go. I think it would be dumb to go off the word of someone trying to commit suicide.

Something that seems to be missed by my parents is I rarely come down to either and winge about my sister and what she is doing or not doing, but she does that to them about me what seems like an aweful lot of the time. She quite happily runs to Mum and Dad about every little thing while I just let it go, I just dont generally involve my parents, if I cant discuss it with my sister then it cant be that important. The only time I really go to one or the other is if they have made an unfair ruling, like with the smoking, but you see how far that gets me. Both Mum and sister are down smoking in the dinning room but if I want one Ill have to go outside. It one amazing way to make a person feel like they dont matter, not nearly as much as others. I mean its because its too cold/hot they dont want to smoke outside and its an inconvience but its too cold for them (at the moment) but screw you, you can deal with it, there is enough smoke in the house and you smoke the most so out you go.

My family makes me feel like some kind of criminal, like Im an inconvienence that they have to deal with because Im son/brother. The only time they seem to be ok with me is when Ive looked after one of them. It doesnt matter how or what I do then its ok, its not until the other side that they start having an issue with it and then it becomes my issue and Im the bad guy for doing what I did.

In response to: Lots of stuff.

DimitySenior Contributor19 May 2023, 10:49 am AEST

Re: Lots of stuff.

Just sending you best wishes for a better day @ClockFace

I'm close to someone with complex health issues that parallel yours and it's hard to see their pain

In my parents' lifetimes I was trapped in a dysfunctional dynamic and I still wrestle with its legacy, I'm stuck

You do you and don't give up

One day you might find diet and choice of shower products can help your different skin conditions but I totally get that at the moment you're just getting by

Anyway just wanted to cheer you on

Dimity

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