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Something’s not right

Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

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In response to: Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Re: Its really long. Lots went on. get no one reading it

@Paperdaisy

Nah I have no one to talk to at the moment. Waiting on report from an assessment by a psychiatrist who is recommending someone for me to see and Ill be seeing a psychiatrist after that. Its been a long journey.

I speak to the drop in service and waiting for the guided service.

Ill have a look at the peer care line, thanks for that.

I generally write over the course of the day, there is a lot going on. I kinda dont know how to cope with it all.

In response to: Re: Its really long. Lots went on. get no one reading it

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Unappreciated, dont know why I bothered

I woke up feeling incredibly sick, my stomach is really painful, headache, blocked nose and sore eyes, I still cant eat much and now Im having issues drinking. The more Im on these meds the worse I feel, thankfully I have my GP tomorrow and hopefully we can work something out. I am going to have a shower shortly, see if that makes me feel any better. I think that there will be a nap in the near future too, feeling very tired and out of energy. Im sorry I sound reallly pathetic, I feel like Im being pathetic but Im really drained, what ever is going on since I started this new med is really messing with me.
The back was really sore as well, still is, Im have no idea why, normally its the best first thing in the morning, which is part of the reason Im going in to the servo pretty soon after waking up. I mean normally I do shopping early morning because there's less people but at the moment its the best tme for me to drive. That is a bonus with the new meds, Im not drowsy in the afternoon which makes going to appointments etc much easier, I dont need Dad to take me anywhere.
The stuff with my sisters medication and just her in general is playing on my mind. I dont think Im cut out for this but its been lumped on me to deal with, making sure she has her meds, making sure she doesnt stash them, making sure she doesnt try anything in general. I have no training as to how to deal with this, I am emotionally attached so its not like a nurse or someone medically trained that if she does something or I have to do things I am emotionally invested and react as such. I dont always do or say the right thing in a given circumstance and thats held over me. She gives me no grace for mistakes or misunderstandings in the heat of the moment. I really just want her to take her meds and be quiet about it, not winge or change when she is gonna take them. I mean this morning, I woke up and it was a urgency that I gave her her meds right away, I said Id get her cup and no right into hand, right now, couldnt wait a few minutes. I have no idea why. Her night meds are supposed to be 8pm but she has now changed that to 10:30/11pm so Dad is giving her her night meds, as Im normally asleep. I dont know if that the right thing to do but she isnt going to listen to me and do what I say, the basics are a fight. She is however very demanding when she wants her meds, if she has determined that now, right now, is the time for them.
She was asking last night for more control over her medication, this is a week after she admitted to having a stash. I dont understand how she thinks thats going to happen. She carries on about being honest, when your not doing it and your able to be trusted not to do things like make a stash, then we can talk. You know, one week after saying I have a stash, oh Ive been honest, I dont think thats good enough, I dont trust you with your meds. You have given me no evidence that I should trust you. Now if her suicide prevention guy or Doctor says to me to loosen the grip and we have a chat and I know what to do going forward then yeah no prob. Honestly, I dont want to be doing any of this, I dont want to be handling her medication but I will if it means she stays alive.
The thing that she needs to wake up and realise is she isnt in this boat alone, like the rest of the family havent been in hospital recently but we are all struggling with our own serious battles at the moment. I do kinda feel for Mum, she has no idea why my sister is so mad with her, she has lost her relationship with her and has no idea why, I dont understand why she doesnt get it but my sister hasnt yet told her what she has done, she isnt ready to tell her which is fine, but it leaves Mum in a crappy position too. Which doesnt aid Mums mental illness, that said Mum does plenty to antagonise this. Just last night she was on about people collecting stuff for her, when we have all said that we are not collecting any more. I mean she rang me, cause she couldnt get hold of my Dad, then she got mad because I spoke poorly to her when she was asking me to pick shit up, when I have very clearly stated on more than, I have lost count occassions, that I will not be picking stuff up, not at all, no more. My Dad has made it clear as well and we have told her to leave my sister out of it but she keeps going and going, and I dont have much tolerance for any of it, like anyone, about anything, my tolerance is really low.
Dad isnt doing well, he seems angry pretty much all the time and you cant talk to him. I do know from what he says that he is struggling for SI. He interacts ok with my sister as far as I can tell. He seems to pull himself together to talk to her but Mum and I seem to be on the outs. He really needs to get some help, he needs to talk to someone and probably take some medication to help him but he is a very typical older male that has it in his head that he just has to tough it out on his own and he just isnt winning it and the rest of the family is suffering. He doesnt see the point in talking about it, its not a solution so why bother. He just wants things fixed, things the way he wants it and he doesnt understand that its not going to happen that way and the talking to professionals is to help him process whats going on and how to better manage his reaction to it. Its not about fixing the situation, its about helping you manage you and your relation with the situation, which in the long term helps resolve or add to the resolution of the problem. But he is stuck on, I want it fixed and fixed now. We have beeen given the opportunity to work with a place that helps with our kinds of situation. When presented with the opportunity, it was while my sister was still in hospital and Dad was enthusiastic about going, now he doesnt see the point, again its not the answer. The thing is he knows what needs to be done, its hard, its a fight, but thats not the answer he wants, he wants people to just be compliant with how he sees things, just live as he says and not argue.
Im clearly not doing well, I mean thats pretty clear from my past posts. Im struggling with SI in a very strong way. I have a range of MH issues happening, severe chronic pain. I have a heap of doctors appointments and at least 2 more procedures planned for the year. Im off work at the moment cause my MH is so bad and now my pain. Im working through the processes to get a ongoing psychiatrist and psychologist. Im on the wait list for guided services through SANE. I have a support person, though pretty unreliable, the appointments seem to change a lot. Im hoping that once Ive seen the Psychiatrist and we know whats causing the spinal pain that I will be able to re-appy for the NDIS and get some additional support. I mean, I need support for the MH stuff and more than I am getting now. I need to work on this new diagnosis of CPTSD, that has triggered a lot of stuff from my past. So I dont know how I am going to do that and deal with all my other crap. I have a suspicion that I will see a psychologist for the CPTSD who does a certain treatment style (CBT/DBT) and then maybe another psychologist or therapist to deal with the other MH issues. Who knows maybe they will roll into one psychologist and it will take a long time to deal with everything. Amoungst all this I need to get my shit together and get back to work. Ill be on reduced hours for a while, there will be a bit of time set to appointments etc.
So my sister needs to realise that all of us are struggling, not just her. She needs to understand that people are not firing on all cyclinders, Im not going to remember every appointment she has, who her people are and who she goes to and who picks her up. I dont expect her to remember all her appointments, we have a shared calandar but its new and Im getting my head around it, instead of using my normal calandar, my preferred calandar but Im trying for her sake. Just a bit of understanding and effort on her part would be appreciated.
Im really shaky today, I feel really anxious, Im not sure the reason. I mean I dont feel well and Im still in pain, but I wouldnt think enough for the shakiness. I have a few things to do this afternoon/night but nothing anxiety provoking. Im trying to keep things as calm as possible, my sister is out at the moment, Dad was with me for a bit and he makes me anxious at the moment but not like this. I suppose its just one of those days when the anxiety has decided that it wants to roar a bit more than normal.
Its an odd thing, Im 42, I work in a bank dealing with Bankruptcies. Ive worked for the bank for nearly 15 years. I like it, its a good job and all, best one Ive ever had. But I have no idea what I actually want to do, you know if I had an option to do what ever I wanted I have no idea what I would actually do. I think I might like to do something in the mental health field, I dunno. Financially it would be a fair drop financially I would think, which shouldnt be a driving factor but my life, medical etc. costs a lot and so Id need a job that would pay enough to cover that. If I didnt have the medical costs, I probably wouldnt have such a drive financially. I might like to do something in supporting people, but maybe more around getting greater supports and funding in general. I dont know much about those roles but something where I am working in the bigger picture, where I am trying to get psychology Medicare subsidised without restriction, not 10 or 20 sessions. Treatment for mental illness, any illness shouldnt be limited in its subsidies. Increasing rebate on psychiciatrists. Greater community supports, programs that benefit those with mental illness to improve their lives. But I know ideals, isnt limited to the most serious cases, that there is the ability to intervene at earlier stages to prevent the escallation of MH. For instance, my sister was sent home from hospital and other services when she was desperately looking for help. There should be an avenue for a person who has SI, who hasnt attempted, to get intervention assisstance so they dont progress to an attempt or a success because there is no where for them to go immediately. That would be the difficulty if I went into that field, Id want to bit into the apple real big and get the whole thing, not tacticle advances like, getting 20 psychologist visits, I think thats pathetic but I understand you cant fight for everything at once, though I dont always believe we shouldnt try.
I did manage to shower today which Im happy with. I made sure I got Dr Appointments coming up for a while and I set my other small tablet up and setup the shared calandar on that so I can see whats going on. I got a few appointments in next couple days. I got one on Thursday with the Insurance Company where we will look at supports that I might need and find helpful. Im looking forward to that one because any additional support I can get is a good thing. I forgot to go get my Webster Packs while my sister was out, I got enough for tomorrow and I got a doctors appointment tomorrow so whats the bet that Ill have more meds anyhow so ill have to grab them tomorrow, but I will have to remember, I dont like to be down to the bone on my meds.
I know I kinda dribble shit at times, I mean it is called Malen's Babble for a reason. By this time of the post Im reasonably confident no one is reading, this is for me more than the reader. I mean of course I want to make it worth reading but I just doubt anyones going to get this far. Shout out if you did lol. I dribble at times, I dunno its whats stuck in my head at the time Im writing. Some stuff just plays on my mind, no matter how mundane and getting it down on paper seems to help clear my mind of that particular thought process, its just sometimes really mundane and would put readers off.
While Im not terribly interested in friends and the like, people themselves are interesting, why we do what we do. I have been watching YouTube and Facebook Watch cop/jail shows. I know its only a very narrow view of society and its a limited view of each situation but it facinates me why someone chooses to go on a highspeed chase with cops, why they keep doing the same thing (selling drugs/taking drugs) over and over again and getting caught repeatedly. Like prostitutes, litterally get caught and as soon as they are released are back at it, I get they might have a people forcing them etc, but it amazes me the turn around time between jail and repeat. I suppose there is the aspect of wanting more for MH. I would want more for the jail system, Im not saying for the arresting and lock up process but there must be something that can be done with the data available to reduce the criminal behaviour. Money seems to be spent willingly on jails, prisons and officers but if some of that was redirected into community programs, employment programs, going after the higher levels for being arrested but lower moving into community programs that take them out of their lifestyle. So drug dealers would be helped to find a better way but suppliers and the like are off to jail. Ofcourse repeat offenders would have to go the jail route but best I can tell the low level people are coerced into it or know no better. I agree Im a bit of an idealist, but with the data available and people with impressive minds should be able to get together and find a system thats better than what we have. I think there is an opportunity to rescue people from a life of crime and give them a stable, healthy life. I think there is an opportunity to minimise the impact crime has on impressionable and vunerable kids getting groomed into crime at an early stage.
I really dont understand why I have been given so much responcibility regarding my sister. Everyone tells me how much of a screw up I am, how I have screwed up my own life so why make me as responsible for another person as they have. It doesnt make sense. Ill admit that in a lot of ways my life is messed up, financially Im screwed, unless my financial lenders were to really step up, as in waive the debt or significant part of it to make the repayments really low then Im gonna have to let the debts be onsold and see if I can get a better repayment deal with the debt purchaser, if thats the way they go. They have been giving me moros but it only delays the inevitable, my situation isnt improving, its getting worse and I dont forsee a time where I will financially be in a position to now afford my debts. MH wise Im screwed up. Medically Im screwed. I have no partner. I live with my parents and Im like 43. I dont even have a car, or the funds to get one. I have relied regularly on my sister and/or Dad for things financially related. Now tell me how I should be looking after anyones welfare, looking after anyone's anything. On a positive side I havent been given any ownership of her finances and going by history thats probably a good idea
Lovely dig by my sister that Dad will do this and she will do that and Ill do nothing. Because Im loving not being able to do anything, and really she hasnt done shit (for the family) since she got home. Shes messed around with some of her crap but spent plenty of time driving about. If it wasnt for the pain Id be doing much more, I was doing much more. I dunno maybe they will increase my meds and allow me to do more.
Its amazing how unappreciated you can be made to feel. I travelled hours upon hours, hundreds of kilometers for months on end to make sure my sister was ok and so she had someone there with her. I trashed my own mental health and finances more by going on unpaid leave because she needed me and all I have had is how I owe her money, because I kept running out, a wage and borrowed money from Dad only goes so far. So I borrowed money from her to make ends meet and to be able to continue coming down to see her. I then started borrowing money from my Dad as I had no income again to help her primarily. I didnt want her alone, she didnt want to be alone. Someone had to deal with doctors etc for her cause she couldnt. When I wasnt travelling to her, with her or with my doctors I was at home cleaning or preparing her next bag to be taken down. I completely wore myself out, I wasnt buuring the candle at both ends, I was burning it in the middle and there is no appreciation, not even acknologment of what you have done or the sacrifices you made.
I would like to say that if I were to do it again I would do it the same but I dont think I would. I think I would be much more conservative financially. I think I would have had boundries in place and wouldnt have allowed her to encroach upon my work life, I would have told her that she would have to wait until I was finished for the day.
I dont think she realises how demanding of my time she was, how irratic her behaviour was. How intense and angry she was. She felt like all the doctors and nurses were against her. There was an amazing dose of paranoia and aggressive behaviour. It wasnt something I have seen from her before, or anyone directly before. I would go down and I felt like I was half giving support and half bouncer. Even then she was still hurting herself when I wasnt there or she would call in a tirade, often with me having no idea what was going on, a few times for the entire call it was yelling and screaming and then the call would end. I dealt with a lot and most of it on my own without anyones real knowledge. I doubt she even realises the hell she put me through.
I woke up feeling incredibly sick, my stomach is really painful, headache, blocked nose and sore eyes, I still cant eat much and now Im having issues drinking. The more Im on these meds the worse I feel, thankfully I have my GP tomorrow and hopefully we can work something out. I am going to have a shower shortly, see if that makes me feel any better. I think that there will be a nap in the near future too, feeling very tired and out of energy. Im sorry I sound reallly pathetic, I feel like Im being pathetic but Im really drained, what ever is going on since I started this new med is really messing with me.
The back was really sore as well, still is, Im have no idea why, normally its the best first thing in the morning, which is part of the reason Im going in to the servo pretty soon after waking up. I mean normally I do shopping early morning because there's less people but at the moment its the best tme for me to drive. That is a bonus with the new meds, Im not drowsy in the afternoon which makes going to appointments etc much easier, I dont need Dad to take me anywhere.
The stuff with my sisters medication and just her in general is playing on my mind. I dont think Im cut out for this but its been lumped on me to deal with, making sure she has her meds, making sure she doesnt stash them, making sure she doesnt try anything in general. I have no training as to how to deal with this, I am emotionally attached so its not like a nurse or someone medically trained that if she does something or I have to do things I am emotionally invested and react as such. I dont always do or say the right thing in a given circumstance and thats held over me. She gives me no grace for mistakes or misunderstandings in the heat of the moment. I really just want her to take her meds and be quiet about it, not winge or change when she is gonna take them. I mean this morning, I woke up and it was a urgency that I gave her her meds right away, I said Id get her cup and no right into hand, right now, couldnt wait a few minutes. I have no idea why. Her night meds are supposed to be 8pm but she has now changed that to 10:30/11pm so Dad is giving her her night meds, as Im normally asleep. I dont know if that the right thing to do but she isnt going to listen to me and do what I say, the basics are a fight. She is however very demanding when she wants her meds, if she has determined that now, right now, is the time for them.
She was asking last night for more control over her medication, this is a week after she admitted to having a stash. I dont understand how she thinks thats going to happen. She carries on about being honest, when your not doing it and your able to be trusted not to do things like make a stash, then we can talk. You know, one week after saying I have a stash, oh Ive been honest, I dont think thats good enough, I dont trust you with your meds. You have given me no evidence that I should trust you. Now if her suicide prevention guy or Doctor says to me to loosen the grip and we have a chat and I know what to do going forward then yeah no prob. Honestly, I dont want to be doing any of this, I dont want to be handling her medication but I will if it means she stays alive.
The thing that she needs to wake up and realise is she isnt in this boat alone, like the rest of the family havent been in hospital recently but we are all struggling with our own serious battles at the moment. I do kinda feel for Mum, she has no idea why my sister is so mad with her, she has lost her relationship with her and has no idea why, I dont understand why she doesnt get it but my sister hasnt yet told her what she has done, she isnt ready to tell her which is fine, but it leaves Mum in a crappy position too. Which doesnt aid Mums mental illness, that said Mum does plenty to antagonise this. Just last night she was on about people collecting stuff for her, when we have all said that we are not collecting any more. I mean she rang me, cause she couldnt get hold of my Dad, then she got mad because I spoke poorly to her when she was asking me to pick shit up, when I have very clearly stated on more than, I have lost count occassions, that I will not be picking stuff up, not at all, no more. My Dad has made it clear as well and we have told her to leave my sister out of it but she keeps going and going, and I dont have much tolerance for any of it, like anyone, about anything, my tolerance is really low.
Dad isnt doing well, he seems angry pretty much all the time and you cant talk to him. I do know from what he says that he is struggling for SI. He interacts ok with my sister as far as I can tell. He seems to pull himself together to talk to her but Mum and I seem to be on the outs. He really needs to get some help, he needs to talk to someone and probably take some medication to help him but he is a very typical older male that has it in his head that he just has to tough it out on his own and he just isnt winning it and the rest of the family is suffering. He doesnt see the point in talking about it, its not a solution so why bother. He just wants things fixed, things the way he wants it and he doesnt understand that its not going to happen that way and the talking to professionals is to help him process whats going on and how to better manage his reaction to it. Its not about fixing the situation, its about helping you manage you and your relation with the situation, which in the long term helps resolve or add to the resolution of the problem. But he is stuck on, I want it fixed and fixed now. We have beeen given the opportunity to work with a place that helps with our kinds of situation. When presented with the opportunity, it was while my sister was still in hospital and Dad was enthusiastic about going, now he doesnt see the point, again its not the answer. The thing is he knows what needs to be done, its hard, its a fight, but thats not the answer he wants, he wants people to just be compliant with how he sees things, just live as he says and not argue.
Im clearly not doing well, I mean thats pretty clear from my past posts. Im struggling with SI in a very strong way. I have a range of MH issues happening, severe chronic pain. I have a heap of doctors appointments and at least 2 more procedures planned for the year. Im off work at the moment cause my MH is so bad and now my pain. Im working through the processes to get a ongoing psychiatrist and psychologist. Im on the wait list for guided services through SANE. I have a support person, though pretty unreliable, the appointments seem to change a lot. Im hoping that once Ive seen the Psychiatrist and we know whats causing the spinal pain that I will be able to re-appy for the NDIS and get some additional support. I mean, I need support for the MH stuff and more than I am getting now. I need to work on this new diagnosis of CPTSD, that has triggered a lot of stuff from my past. So I dont know how I am going to do that and deal with all my other crap. I have a suspicion that I will see a psychologist for the CPTSD who does a certain treatment style (CBT/DBT) and then maybe another psychologist or therapist to deal with the other MH issues. Who knows maybe they will roll into one psychologist and it will take a long time to deal with everything. Amoungst all this I need to get my shit together and get back to work. Ill be on reduced hours for a while, there will be a bit of time set to appointments etc.
So my sister needs to realise that all of us are struggling, not just her. She needs to understand that people are not firing on all cyclinders, Im not going to remember every appointment she has, who her people are and who she goes to and who picks her up. I dont expect her to remember all her appointments, we have a shared calandar but its new and Im getting my head around it, instead of using my normal calandar, my preferred calandar but Im trying for her sake. Just a bit of understanding and effort on her part would be appreciated.
Im really shaky today, I feel really anxious, Im not sure the reason. I mean I dont feel well and Im still in pain, but I wouldnt think enough for the shakiness. I have a few things to do this afternoon/night but nothing anxiety provoking. Im trying to keep things as calm as possible, my sister is out at the moment, Dad was with me for a bit and he makes me anxious at the moment but not like this. I suppose its just one of those days when the anxiety has decided that it wants to roar a bit more than normal.
Its an odd thing, Im 42, I work in a bank dealing with Bankruptcies. Ive worked for the bank for nearly 15 years. I like it, its a good job and all, best one Ive ever had. But I have no idea what I actually want to do, you know if I had an option to do what ever I wanted I have no idea what I would actually do. I think I might like to do something in the mental health field, I dunno. Financially it would be a fair drop financially I would think, which shouldnt be a driving factor but my life, medical etc. costs a lot and so Id need a job that would pay enough to cover that. If I didnt have the medical costs, I probably wouldnt have such a drive financially. I might like to do something in supporting people, but maybe more around getting greater supports and funding in general. I dont know much about those roles but something where I am working in the bigger picture, where I am trying to get psychology Medicare subsidised without restriction, not 10 or 20 sessions. Treatment for mental illness, any illness shouldnt be limited in its subsidies. Increasing rebate on psychiciatrists. Greater community supports, programs that benefit those with mental illness to improve their lives. But I know ideals, isnt limited to the most serious cases, that there is the ability to intervene at earlier stages to prevent the escallation of MH. For instance, my sister was sent home from hospital and other services when she was desperately looking for help. There should be an avenue for a person who has SI, who hasnt attempted, to get intervention assisstance so they dont progress to an attempt or a success because there is no where for them to go immediately. That would be the difficulty if I went into that field, Id want to bit into the apple real big and get the whole thing, not tacticle advances like, getting 20 psychologist visits, I think thats pathetic but I understand you cant fight for everything at once, though I dont always believe we shouldnt try.
I did manage to shower today which Im happy with. I made sure I got Dr Appointments coming up for a while and I set my other small tablet up and setup the shared calandar on that so I can see whats going on. I got a few appointments in next couple days. I got one on Thursday with the Insurance Company where we will look at supports that I might need and find helpful. Im looking forward to that one because any additional support I can get is a good thing. I forgot to go get my Webster Packs while my sister was out, I got enough for tomorrow and I got a doctors appointment tomorrow so whats the bet that Ill have more meds anyhow so ill have to grab them tomorrow, but I will have to remember, I dont like to be down to the bone on my meds.
I know I kinda dribble shit at times, I mean it is called Malen's Babble for a reason. By this time of the post Im reasonably confident no one is reading, this is for me more than the reader. I mean of course I want to make it worth reading but I just doubt anyones going to get this far. Shout out if you did lol. I dribble at times, I dunno its whats stuck in my head at the time Im writing. Some stuff just plays on my mind, no matter how mundane and getting it down on paper seems to help clear my mind of that particular thought process, its just sometimes really mundane and would put readers off.
While Im not terribly interested in friends and the like, people themselves are interesting, why we do what we do. I have been watching YouTube and Facebook Watch cop/jail shows. I know its only a very narrow view of society and its a limited view of each situation but it facinates me why someone chooses to go on a highspeed chase with cops, why they keep doing the same thing (selling drugs/taking drugs) over and over again and getting caught repeatedly. Like prostitutes, litterally get caught and as soon as they are released are back at it, I get they might have a someone forcing them etc, but it amazes me the turn around time between jail and repeat. I suppose there is the aspect of wanting more for MH. I would want more for the jail system, Im not saying for the arresting and lock up process but there must be something that can be done with the data available to reduce the criminal behaviour. Money seems to be spent willingly on jails, prisons and officers but if some of that was redirected into community programs, employment programs, going after the higher levels for being arrested but lower moving into community programs that take them out of their lifestyle. So drug dealers would be helped to find a better way but suppliers and the like are off to jail. Ofcourse repeat offenders would have to go the jail route but best I can tell the low level people are coerced into it or know no better. I agree Im a bit of an idealist, but with the data available and people with impressive minds should be able to get together and find a system thats better than what we have. I think there is an opportunity to rescue people from a life of crime and give them a stable, healthy life. I think there is an opportunity to minimise the impact crime has on impressionable and vunerable kids getting groomed into crime at an early stage.
I really dont understand why I have been given so much responcibility regarding my sister. Everyone tells me how much of a screw up I am, how I have screwed up my own life so why make me as responsible for another person as they have. It doesnt make sense. Ill admit that in a lot of ways my life is messed up, financially Im screwed, unless my financial lenders were to really step up, as in waive the debt or significant part of it to make the repayments really low then Im gonna have to let the debts be onsold and see if I can get a better repayment deal with the debt purchaser, if thats the way they go. They have been giving me moros but it only delays the inevitable, my situation isnt improving, its getting worse and I dont forsee a time where I will financially be in a position to now afford my debts. MH wise Im screwed up. Medically Im screwed. I have no partner. I live with my parents and Im like 43. I dont even have a car, or the funds to get one. I have relied regularly on my sister and/or Dad for things financially related. Now tell me how I should be looking after anyones welfare, looking after anyone's anything. On a positive side I havent been given any ownership of her finances and going by history thats probably a good idea
Lovely dig by my sister that Dad will do this and she will do that and Ill do nothing. Because Im loving not being able to do anything, and really she hasnt done shit (for the family) since she got home. Shes messed around with some of her crap but spent plenty of time driving about. If it wasnt for the pain Id be doing much more, I was doing much more. I dunno maybe they will increase my meds and allow me to do more.
Its amazing how unappreciated you can be made to feel. I travelled hours upon hours, hundreds of kilometers for months on end to make sure my sister was ok and so she had someone there with her. I trashed my own mental health and finances more by going on unpaid leave because she needed me and all I have had is how I owe her money, because I kept running out, a wage and borrowed money from Dad only goes so far. So I borrowed money from her to make ends meet and to be able to continue coming down to see her. I then started borrowing money from my Dad as I had no income again to help her primarily. I didnt want her alone, she didnt want to be alone. Someone had to deal with doctors etc for her cause she couldnt. When I wasnt travelling to her, with her or with my doctors I was at home cleaning or preparing her next bag to be taken down. I completely wore myself out, I wasnt buuring the candle at both ends, I was burning it in the middle and there is no appreciation, not even acknologment of what you have done or the sacrifices you made.
I would like to say that if I were to do it again I would do it the same but I dont think I would. I think I would be much more conservative financially. I think I would have had boundries in place and wouldnt have allowed her to encroach upon my work life, I would have told her that she would have to wait until I was finished for the day.
I dont think she realises how demanding of my time she was, how irratic her behaviour was. How intense and angry she was. She felt like all the doctors and nurses were against her. There was an amazing dose of paranoia and aggressive behaviour. It wasnt something I have seen from her before, or anyone directly before. I would go down and I felt like I was half giving support and half bouncer. Even then she was still hurting herself when I wasnt there or she would call in a tirade, often with me having no idea what was going on, a few times for the entire call it was yelling and screaming and then the call would end. I dealt with a lot and most of it on my own without anyones real knowledge. I doubt she even realises the hell she put me through.

In response to: Unappreciated, dont know why I bothered

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Another Day

I woke up at 3 in a fair bit of pain, I went back to bed and woke up at 7:30am for an appointment and was still in a lot of pain, I took my normal pain meds along with my break through pain killers. Im still in a fair bit of pain, Im able to get around but its difficult. I have my pain GP today so will be talking to him about the new meds. If they are going to make me feel like shit they might as well work enough that I can do shit.
I went to see my financial councillor this morning, was a really quick meeting, which I expected. We talked earlier this week and I sent an email with a bunch of information for him. I have 2 really old debts that with third parties, they have given me 12 month moritoriums which end in like December. The 2 other debts are still with the original lender and they are being hard to work with, short term moritoriums like 2 and 3 months. We are going to write to them and explain that I wont know anything about my back until August/September and ask for a moritorium until then at the earliest then we will have soome indication as to what is going on.
My sister was all into plants and when she went into hospital Dad was left to look after them. Im not talking about a few here and there, but a couple hundred. It would take an etire weekend to water them and that would have to happen every second weekend. Dad was working still at the time and goinig to see my sister in hospital. My sister had told him to just let them die but he didnt want to do that in case she wanted to get into it again. He had bought her a greenhouse, which of course wasnt the one she wanted but it was the one Dad could afford etc. He spent a lot of money on it and then paid for another person to help him put it up, as I couldnt help.
While she was in hospital Dad and this guy put it up and Dad set up a watering system. Dad moved all the plants in there and did his best to look after them, we had some really scortching days which affected the plants. But Dad did try. My sister says that she has thanked him and appreciates it but every opportunity she has she winges about how many died, she says a lot more than both Dad and I can think they have. Dad doesnt feel appreciated, Mum decided to make comments and rolled eyes when individual plants had died and the amount of money lost which didnt help.
This is pretty common and neither Dad or I are feeling that what we did while she was in hospital is completely unapprecitated. So much comes down to how much money she has lost/spent over being hospitalised. Like there was a very structured and pointed go at me as I apparently had her debit card at some point, I dont remember but not disputing. I only earn so much money, I have nothing behind me, Im pretty well broke and live pay cheque to pay cheque which is well known. So while she was in hospital I was borrowing money towards the end of my pay cycle to keep coming to see her and do everything I was to help her. So at some point yeah I might have taken the card. That said I am waiting for her to give me information from her statement to put a claim in at work for a grant that we should be eligible, which would cover most, if not all the debt incurred. But again, no appreciation for what I was doing, there is no appreciation for everything I did, went through and put up with while she was in hospital. She says there is but then she winges about how we managed to fund that, how I went about doing it, etc. If you appreciate what was done for you, if you appreciate the person there is no but, there is no correction of how it was done. You know there was a dig that we should have taken her debt cards and restricted access to her accounts. She needed to have access to funds, we have no way to stop her accessing her accounts, we had a lot of other things that we were dealing with, with her and they were hard enough. No matter what we did, she could have found ways to get into her account and spend money. I get that she was sick but seriously how much more responcibility did she want us to take for her life, while dealing with our own issue. I mean simply doing everything I was doing for her, I was exhusted. Then I had to clean the house, etc. Deal with my medical and mental issues. Talk with the family. I was exhusted, beyond exhusted.
I was speaking to Dad about all of this, not feeling appreciated, that we just didnt do enough or good enough and both of us feel the same that we wouldnt do it again. I would go see her, outside work, if I could afford it then I would go see her. It wouldnt be every day of even every second day. I would be as I feel up to it and I think Dad would be the same. The carry on with clothing definately wouldnt happen, I mean she would winge about the clothes brought down, even if and yes this is true, she would select what she wanted via Facetime. I literally had to go through her wardrobe with Facetime on a phone in one hand selecting with the other, her winging every time I would put the phone down to pick something up, she would winge that she couldnt see. I mean it was clothes and certain toiletries, everything was a particular item and she would select each thing, including the bag to be used to bring it down in. Her clothes have to be washed in a certain way, they have to be washed again if they are out in the rain (trying to dry and it rains), there is a heap of rules around washing and drying her clothes and she doesnt even do it, normally. The amount of clothes we would bring down, like days worth each day. I think she can jam that up her arse going forward, it would take so long, on top of actually going down to see her/drop off clothes. Quite a number of times it was just bring my stuff down, she wasnt interested in seeing us, she was worried about how much time and how tired we looked, but still wanted her stuff.
She keeps saying things along that its not about Mum, its about her. She hasnt been straight with Mum as to what her problem with her is, she keeps skirting around the edges, which I understand but she has to understand how that makes Mum feel and that Mum is going to react in a certain way not knowing the full story. But its this attitude that its about her and only her, she doesnt care how it impacts others, she doesnt care that others are having issues, just how its affecting her. Ive had a couple digs about medication lately, I mean she keeps trying to use it to commit suicide so no Im not going to give her free reign, or even a little control over her meds. It was only a week ago she was stashing meds. But last night it was that my goes werent helping her, I mean its shit she needs to hear so get over it but secondly getting to the point that I have to have a go because we keep going at that particular pain point, I dont need it and I said to her that all her shit I isnt helping me.
So I had my doctors appointment, he was also of the opinion that I was going through withdrawal and thats why I felt so sick etc. He also decided to double my dose of my new pain killer. We are both hoping that that will relieve the pain and stop me needing to use the breakthrough medication. Also, I might be able to do stuff at home.
When I told my sister about the increase I got a smart arse comment, that I didnt catch and ignored. When I said about the withdrawals I got "would that make you an arse" I said probably. She just isnt getting that Im not doing well, I need her to pull her head in and give me a break and Im sure Dad would appreciate one too. Listen to what Im saying, what Im trying to convey, ignore the tone, I know you noticed I was shaking, realise that Im human and I am not perfect (which I have admitted) and that I dont know how to handle every situation presented. Id really like to hand the medication BS to someone else. Im hoping the family councilling thing will be able to settle some of this shit.
I have no idea whats up Dads arse, he really seems to have got his grump on since I left. Slamming doors and talking with a real attitude, I dont know if he has been down with Mum, if my sister has decided to have a word with him or if I have done something. He and my sister are having a silent war over the air con. Dad feels the heat so he wants it colder, my sister feels the cold and wants it hotter. Dad wants it like 22 and my sister wants it 28, both on different extremes. Me I think 22 is too cold but 28 is too high. I think 24-25 is reasonable but neither will budge.
It does look like he has been/is with Mum, which never makes for a good day. They cant have a quiet conversation, they just always have an issue over something. Apparently it was her having goes about each family member. Shes not happy with me cause I have no respect for her. Honestly, I have lost a lot of respect for her because of how she acts towards the rest of us. The way she interacts with me and how dismissive of me she is shits me. Why should I respect that, just because you're my Mum doesnt mean that respect is automatically and unconditionally give. But its not that, I say no to her and I dont give in to being bullied into doing something I dont want any part of. I mean if it was something reasonable, important etc then of course I would help, but buying more crap off buy swap sell, I have said no more to that many, many times over a long period of time, so it should come as a shock when I say no, even laugh as I do it because I am amazed that she will perservere and perservere. But only on things that are unimportant. She wont put this effort into getting friends, and she wants friends, but it seems more that she wants to share Dads friends, and he needs to make better friends. She doesnt actually want to make friends of her own
My back has been really bad today, hasnt calmed down at all, even after 2 lots of break through pain killers. It just been a real bad day since like 3 am. It will be interesting to see how the new strength of pain killer goes, if they help. I cant see why not, Im more interested in how Im going to go with any side affects or if its going to make the withdrawals worse. Im figuring the withdrawals will be worse. Having had the extra pain killers today has made me really tired, not drowsy, just tired.
Im looking at doing a goals list or something. Ive downloaded a couple apps to look at. My main goal is to give up smoking, I really need too but I want to add some goals I can achieve soon so I dont get disheartened.
You know the idea of jail has been appealing of late. Like other than the violence and you know unwanted sexy time, gangs all that crap. I would stuggle with all the people as well, so yeah has some draw backs and Im sure there's others Im not thinking of but the structure, the minimal financial aspects, the potential for solitude confinement, etc is appealing. Its got to be the next best thing to ending life all together. I really wish I didnt have to deal with a lot of this crap in life, deal with financial things, budget for all my medical costs, family dynamics, social dynamics. Really I just want to have the money to pay for life, my tablets, food, drink and quiet, like lots of quiet. Im really stuggling with someone, anyone, constantly around all the time. I mean at the moment, Dad can come and go as he pleases, you dont know when he is gonna come inside or go back out. My sister is asleep at the table, because for some reason going to sleep in her bed is such a stupid idea. I really dont get it, this sleeping at the table thing is stupid, its not healthy or actually restful.
I got the meeting with the lady from the insurance mob thats dealing with my return to work etc. Im a little nervous about it, one we are going to a cafe and I dont know how I will go with all the people, there might not be many, its not like a massive town. Im also nervous because you know its on behalf of an insurance agency that is paying my wages while Im sick, so they will have a primary focus of reducing the payments to me, so like finding a way to not pay anymore because Im not doing something with rehab or I say something they think they can use to exclude me from payments. So Im nervous that I will put my foot in it, by nature Im pretty open in pretty much every situation, especially where I feel them to be an authority figure.
Early night tonight, its 6:30pm and Im having tea and then gettting organised for bed. Im exhusted, I got up early this morning well not early but earlier than I have been getting up. I was doing well with my bed time and wake time, bed at 8/9pm and wake at 6am and into the day now Im in bed like 7/730pm most days and getting up 8:30/9am. I wake part way through the night for an hour or so but I seem to just be tired all the time.

In response to: Another Day

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Dangerous Medication

I started the increased dose of my pain med last night, crazy itchy, hot and cold flushes. I was in bed when it started the itciness was frustrating as hell, I suppose the hot and cold was too. I couldnt settle, it lasted about an hour then was ok. Not the worst thing but would be nice if that wasnt a permanant thing.
I had my second dose in the morning and went about my day with little issue. I had to walk a fair bit for an appointment and I did have to have a break, I was going uphill and found it pretty difficult. On the way back it was downhill so not nearly as difficult and managed it in one hit. However, at about 2:30pm I started getting really tired, like Im almost considering a nap Im that tired.
The meeting I had was with a person looking at supports they can provide to aide in my well being, leading up to a return to work program. We went through the ins and outs of my situation including family stuff. She said her heart broke over all the family issues and I really didnt go into things overly deaply. She asked for some information to be emailed, which I did when I got home. I had a list of issues, medical conditions etc on my tablet which I provided her. She is doing a report, she decided to do that today, she was going to have it done by Monday but decided that she would get is ASAP to get some supports. I know she is trying to get an exercise physiologist for me, try and get me moving, which might help my back or not but Ill give it a go. She said that its probably 4-6 weeks before she would be happy for me to start a return to work program, which kinda sucks, I was hoping to start returning to work before then. Im getting really eager to start getting back to work, it might sound weird but I like work and work is good for you, it helps keeps you healthy, it provides stability and regularity to your week.
I soke to Mum today and its interesting how my sister tells her one story and me another or I was there and it happened so different to what she is saying. I told Mum a few things and corrected what was actually said and why I said what I did, and Mum actually seemed to believe me and understand what I was saying. Like things to do with its not just about my sister, her situation, her actions and what she says/doesnt say has an impact on the rest off us. You know this stuff with her medication, she is doing everything she can to get control of her night meds, thats the one that contain the most meds that if she put them to the side for a while she could be successful this time. There have been a few fights over this and she said that my goes at her werent helping her. I replied that the carry on wasnt helping me. Mum said she doesnt think my sister is taking into account just how sick I am, which I think is a first that Mum has said anything like that. Mum actually realised that I am quite unwell, I dont know in what regard she was directing that, maybe all but it was nice, even if it was trying to get me on her side that she acknowledged I was not well.
I was about to go to bed for a bit when my sister got home from her appointment, so stayed with her a bit. Turns out she has put in for housing, Im assuming with housing SA. Shes on a DSP, she would get rental assist but I have no idea how she will afford to live on her own. There was words and thoughts at one point about me going with her, I dont know if they are current but I dont think I would. Not that I love living with my parents but I think Id love living in her house less. I have no idea how she will go around her medication either.
Then Mum came down and was acting really weird. I have no idea why she came down. Sister was on about Mum having an attitude, I didnt see it, I just saw weird. But she wasnt down long so I went to bed, took a little bit but I crashed out hard. Think its the increase in the new pain killer. That increase seemed to work alright, I had a few painful moments but I was more active than I have been so I think it will work, I might be able to do some stuff around the house.
I learnt something that I didnt want to with my new pain meds. If crushed, they have can have a really serious outcome. I get a 2 week supply at quite a high strength so the potential for a really bad outcome is there. My mind has gone pretty well off the deep end, because those along with my other meds would make a certain outcome and its just had my mind deep diving on a more certain outcome if I went that way. Im still on the thing that I dont want my sister to grow old alone so thats stopping me doing anything but its weird how your brain goes to the darkest corner it can with any new information. I will say that I am safe and have no immediate intentions, its just amazing how dark your brain can go so quickly.
There isnt much else in options, I need the medication to deal with my pain. Other medications Im on would also be quite dangerous if my mindset turned that way so its not like the only one that has grave potential. If I was honest about it I am probably near needing someone to give me my meds but I dont have anyone to do that. Everyone in the family is on the edge so I would be putting added stress and responcibility onto others in the same position as me. Me, Dad and Mum all have safes in our rooms for medication, mine has my sisters in it as I manage hers. Which is a bit stupid given my situation but her meds are like tic tacs compared to mine, but the added responcibility of my sisters medication is difficult especially when she is so defiant about them.
My sister is very much on this thing about how it impacts her, its all about how it makes her feel, how it helps her get better. It is very one sided. I agree with the aspects of how it helps her grow and get better but she doesnt seem to look at the other side as to how her actions impact upon others. There is a balancing act, having boundries is good, looking after yourself and not being used is good but doing that at the detriment of others is wrong, its doing exactly what your complaining others have done to youto others. My sister seems hell bent to punish Mum, she has caused a lot of hurt but taking every opportunity to stick the boot in and to have no understanding isnt right. Then there is Dad and I, we did heaps to help her while in hospital etc. I gave up heaps and took on significant debt and unless I tow the line my sister has an issue. She doesnt care that Im going through withdrawals, that Im in huge amounts of pain etc. Dont put a foot out of place, not a singular word wrong in a sentance or there are real issues.

In response to: Dangerous Medication

tymeModerator

Re: Dangerous Medication

Hey @ClockFace ,

The effects of the new med sounds worrying. Is this something you will speak to your dr about?

Also, I was pleasantly surprised when you said your sister applied for housing. I think this is the best thing for her. You'll be surprise how capable someone with BPD can be when they want to be. I hear how you have a lot of thoughts about how she will survive etc, but sometimes, even if it doesn't work, it is good to give it a go - just so they know they have tried that. Anyway, it may be years before she hears back about her application.

Please hang in there @ClockFace - it does sound tough for now. But finger crossed that the sunshine is just around the corner.

In response to: Re: Dangerous Medication

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Re: Dangerous Medication

@tyme

I wasnt so bad last night. Really tired early in the afternoon. But Im sure that will wear off.

The diagnosis of BPD was revoked and she now diagnosed adjustment disorder. Regardless of disorder I think people can live how they want. I can just see her spending a lot of money in a short period of time, ie her savings, to live alone for a short period of time. With my job I see how expensive it is to rent etc and I would think it hard to survive on her DSP. I think it would be hard for her to do everything for herself, she goes on about how much she does but there is a lot done for her.

She asked me her thoughts and I said it wasnt up to me and that it was her call. I dont want to get involved, it never works out well.

In response to: Re: Dangerous Medication

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Mainly abouut my sister

I feel unbelievalbly shit house today. I started the new dose of my new med about a day or so ago and it is really starting to take an affect. The pain has reduced again but the how I feel has steadily gotten worse. My stomach is incredibly sore, I wont go into the gross stuff. Im absolutly exhusted all the time. Like Im up for a few hours and I just want to go back to bed. The headache doesnt seem to be as bad this time around but the stuffy nose is worse so are the sore eyes. There is a fair bit of anxiety, which is probably part of why Im so tired. I thought I had gotten past the withdrawals and you know a day or 2 on the higher dose I thought cool but no, its like it was building up and then bam.
My sister is 41 and single and quite keen on having a child however isnt sure if this is for Mum or for her. I had words with Mum about my sister and having a child, I didnt bring it up. I apparently said that she wasnt doing it any more, I thought that was the path my sister was on but the number of times that has changed is uncountable. Anyhow that became a deal last night because Mum wasnt aware that she wasnt doing it. Im confident that the point I was trying to get across to Mum was to back off on the baby thing, because she is on about it quite a bit. Realistically, my point in most my conversations with Mum is for her to stop pestering my sister about things she should be doing (having a child), its to realise that the important thing at the moment is to make sure my sister survives her current situation.
My sister is looking at moving out and then Mum (and sister) have the whole baby idea. I think thats a lot, seperately and jointly. I try not to give too much of my opinion on either because its too often twisted later and I really have no right, I know a bit about your life, I know what you have told me, I dont know the full extent of your life and what you're willing to do or give up to achieve what you want.
Personally, I dont think moving out is the answer. If you want to do it then off you go but there is a part of this which is running away and not addressing the stuff with the family, particularly Mum. You are arguing with Mum while Mum doesnt understand what she has done, why things have gone the way they have. I mean often I am in the same boat with the way I am treated. I think an effort for the family therapy to be done and their recommendations given a chance to work. Sister needs to have some time with her own therapy and to grow for herself.
Moving out gives a break from sister and family, I get that. But the financial burden of your own home, even with state help is going to be intense. She doesnt work, she is on DSP. She has a lot of medical expenses this is going to add up and I dont want to see her making choices between food and treatment. I also dont want her using all her savings to make this work and ending up having to move home again, now with no money left.
I do understand that desire to move out, I mean if I could afford it I would. I get what some of her support people are saying that she should move out and that they are worried that staying where she is would almost guarentee her death if she were to stay. I have concerns with them using that kinda terminology and those statements but her support workers without the financial support backing to give what really is financial advise. Ignore your financial position and the costs and just do it is a bit over stepping your boundries. But I do understand their role is to prevent further attempts and they see this as the most viable way to do that.
If she moves out I cant see that she can also do the baby thing. I think the pressure of a baby would be immense, like moving out I think the financial implications are being underestimated, but I also think the stress is being underestimated. Kids are hard work and you cant just farm it out to others because its too much on you, like with her dogs, we have to feed the other dogs so we might as well feed her dogs, well the reverse works just as well.
I think she would be a great Mum, with the right support. I think, esepcially if she moved out, it would be too much for her. I think the effort and risks in just getting preganant at her age are high. Its going to cost her a lot of money, money to the best of my knowledge she doesnt have and neither does the rest of the family. I would like to see her as a Mum but I think sadly her time has gone by.
Id like to see Mum pull her head in, sister has stated to Mum that she wont help as she doesnt do stuff now. Mum said to me that it would give her purpose, I dont think that is a good enough reason for my sister to have a kid. I think that will just open up a bad can of worms and Mum should know better
In short I dont like the idea of her moving out, I think there is a lot of risk, I mean Im currently managing her medication so she would need to be in a far better place before she could move out. I think, financially its a big risk and I should know, financially Im screwed.
With a kid, I know its a dream of hers and I would like her to have that dream, but some dreams just dont happen and I think this is one of them. Ive been clear that I dont want kids, so Im bias. Of course I would help but it would be limited. There is nothing about a baby that is appealing to me. I dont want to feed, def dont want to change nappies, Id be scared of watching for a while. Kids in general are not my thing, my sisters kid I would love but my sister will be really pedantic and I dont know that I would cope with that at all.
Heres my thought, people are wanting this child to fufil their own needs and there is a push for that to happen regardless of concerns about this. I dont know if there is a right time to have a kid but as a motivation tool thats not it.
Moving out should be done after a lot of thought and planning. I dont think she realises how much things costs, like utilities etc. I have no objection to her moving out but under the right conditions and I dont think these are it.
Am I going to voice any of this, probably not. I might, if backed into a corner chose what I say as wisely as possible but to the best of my ability Im staying out of these conversations, actually in general I am going to avoid giving my opinion it rarely works well with either sister or Mum. Its too often manipulated to suit their purpose, to make me the bad guy, etc. Im stuck looking after the medication so what I say goes there and Ill keep talking with doctors etc but you know should I have a baby, should I move out, what car should I buy. Nope, nope Im out.
I meant to say yesterday that the lady I saw was suprised that I wasnt on the NDIS, most people Ive seen recently have been suprised that Im not. Ive tried but they rejected saying there was more I could do (Paraphrasing). My plan is once I have something kinda concrete with my back and Ive been seeing the Psychiatrist and Psychologist for a while Ill have another crack. Im tempted to just apply based on the mental health aspect alone. At least if I can get my foot in the door I can grow it from there, as far as I know.
I dont really know what I expect funding wise from the NDIS, I mean they could help with psychiatrist/psychologist appointments. If I could get some help with like doing my room, dishes and dogs that would be good but I doubt they'd send someone every night. Most the equipment I need has been bought for me and allowances made, like I have a shower chair in Mums shower, as its the only one that fits it.
I used to live on my own before I got sick, a 2 bedroom flat on the 1st floor. It wasnt much, Mum thought it was drab and depressing, but I think that was more of an attempt to make me feel like I had failed or I needed to come home. I liked that place, it was mine, it was affordable and the land agent was good to work with. I had refreshed my place not long before my diagnosis, everything was pretty much new, but I had got myself in a lot of debt doing it. I miss that place, its the last time I actually felt safe. The apartments were surrounded buy high fencing which you needed a key to gain access too and downstairs was a lovely yard with plants etc. It was one of the first things that drew me to the place. The neighbours were all pretty nice and got on well. There was only 8 flats, 2 owner occupied but rest were rented.
I really liked that I had my own space that I could setup the way I wanted it, things were where I wanted them to be and they just stayed that way. I was responsible for myself and that was it. I went through a lot there, I had a lot of memories. I started a business living there and eventually closed it cause I started getting sick, pre-diagnosis. I really liked that place. When I got sick, my Dad had to come pick me up and take me to ER and that was the last time I saw that place. I couldnt face it again. What happened when I got sick had trumatised me and I could barely drive past it. But for 8 or 9 years, it was my home, my safe space and I miss that. In that I get my sisters desire to move out.
Just crashed out at like 2:30 and woke up again at 4. Kept going from hot to cold. Felt really aweful, stomach was churning really bad, I started to wonder at what point I have to get taken into ER. I really felt that unwell. I couldnt lay still for a while, going from quilt on to quilt off but eventually I settled. Now Im just ice cold. Its a common thing for me with this. I currently have a shirt, a hoodie and a Oodie on and Im still cold. Though give it a little while and Ill prob have my shirt on or hoodie with sleeves up. Its a bit unusual for me to feel the cold this much, some of the meds Im on have a side affect of warming you up some. I really feel the heat normally, but the cold I dont really feel intensily, not in comparison to my sister, she really feels the cold. Anyhow I feel a lot better after a lay down, I could easily do with another one but I dont like to sleep a huge part of the day away even if Im not doing much Id rather be awake and not doing much than asleep. Mum kinda ruined that for everyone with the amount of time she sleeps, no one wants to be compared to her.
My sister went out today with her peer support worker and came home with a new car. Well she picks it up next week. Its a car she has been looking at for a while so Im not overly suprised she got the car but a bit suprised that it was a trip to town and a few minutes later she has a new car. I try not to be but I am somewhat jelous of her financial position. She doesnt realise, I mean she looks after her money well but she has caught a lot of breaks. Well it feels like it outside looking in. She doesnt have some of the expenses I have because she has different subsidies etc and cause I earn $700 a fortnight more than her I miss out. That includes costs at home. But if she moves out she will learn about these costs. I am really happy for her getting a new car, it does mean the trying to sort out who can have the shared car and when is over. I dont have to keep getting shitty about putting fuel in it for her to use it.
You know my sister doesnt really get how "privilaged" she is in this house. She has the most amount of stuff outside her room, she has stuff in the kitchen and more space on her side. She still smokes inside. She doesnt pay board, or food. She does shopping and bills it to Dad. I mean as far as I know stuff just for her she pays for. She gets away with a lot more. On the flip side she is very generous and she doesnt rub stuff in your face. I mean she has, in the past, made sure I was aware how much I have failed at life but in general she doesnt it there and ner ner things or I got this and you didnt.
There is a big part of me that does kinda hope she moves out, I dont think she will get the help she did the first time, stuff I didnt, but it might just give her an indication of the costs involved in running a home. Its been a decade since I did and I tend to forget but I know that we spend an aweful lot on electricity and a fair bit of that is my sister, the way she runs her life is very power hungry. I have 3 tablets, overgrown phones, low consumption that I use all the time. She however has the heater on, really high, all the time and then sleeps at the kitchen table with it on all night. Yet Im the one that gets in shit for leaving my tables on power saving mode. I do because Im up and down at night so I use them randomly, they rarely go 4 hours without use. Added to which power saving uses so little power that it hardly matters.
She really doesnt get how many breaks she has gotten over the years because she was Mum's best friend. Mum would stop Dad doing a lot of stuff or treating her the same as me, she was special. She was held less accountable because of the Mum thing and because of her past, trying to attone for what happened. Me I was held accountable for everything, anything I did, every cent I borrowed, everything was in a ledger and I have to work that off. Sister, its worked off and she is generous so appears so much better than me, if that makes sense.
Ive made lots of mistakes in my life and I should be held accountable for them, Ive done a lot of dumb things, Ive done things with the right intention that didnt work out and I have faced a lot of illness. I dont agree with how Ive always been treated, Ive been set up to fail, Ive been left to fail on my own and Ive always had to pay the price for that. For instance, I was moved from my flat to one of my parents rental properties when I was released from a mental health facility. I was on an extremely high dose of an antipsychotic and really had little idea what was going on. I was severly depressed. I was off work on Salary Continuance and I was hardly making ends meet, for a lot of reasons, many of them dumb choices I was making. Instead of coming in and helping me is a mentally unstable situation, my Dad waited until I owed $10000 in rent and moved me home with them. Mum was the same, she said that she told Dad to come over, but she chose not to as well. They both left me to struggle on my own while sick and racking up debt and then I had to pay themback. Its like the borrowing money to go look after my sister, he hasnt supported that at all and Mum has chosen not to speak up in my defence.
Dad will bill every cent he can to me, Im over 18 so I should be a man, I should take care of myself, I should no longer be his issue. It hasnt worked out that way. Mum stood in front of my sister somewhat with this, me not so much. And then Im called a failure.
The alcoholic period of my life has been weighing on me lately, its just another example of me failing and again why am I left in charge of the well being of another person. I struggle to forgive myself for this and other things Ive done because partly, I dont feel like they are forgiven by others. I mean randomly, with absolute precision, is fired off at me as a weapon. Again, Im the one left looking after someone elses medication, making sure she lives, Dad hides away except for the good bits but the hard stuff the difficult work, the areas that he didnt do anything for me, they are left to me to deal with and I dont know why.
Mum sent Dad a msg asking for food and zooper doopers. That came to me to do, which I dont get as I have had plenty of fights and made my position clear regarding zooper doopers. I will not take them to her. She is on a fluid limit and zooper doopers are just water and flavoured sugar, she was eating a whole packet a day and going over her fluid limit, then adding cups of tea on top. Going over her fluid limit means she retains fluid and eventually she will find herself in hospital again. So for her own well being, Im not giving her zooper doopers. When I was drinking, I dont expect that anyone would have gone and gotten me another bottle if I had run out or didnt want to drive in. I would have been on my own and I dont see this as any different.
The thing is I was of the opinion that we had stopped taking meals down to her too. Dad goes on about Mum putting my sister in the middle and she shouldnt do that etc etc. and then he goes and does this to me. Putting me in the middle, making me the bad guy again. I really hope this Bower Place mob can sort him out, he goes on about protecting my sister, noticably not me and then doesnt change, doesnt address the issues. He has had plenty of people tell him that he needs to stop doing all the things Mum commands of him and in turn of me and my sister. My sister and I have said and are behind him in not doing all these things, like taking tea down, and he continues and then asks me to do it, when I have been saying no to doing this stuff for the longest time out of everyone.
It really annoys me off, I really feel lousy, the withdrawals are bad today. Im doing them alone, not in a hospital setting or anything, just sheer force of will and then he does this. Im too sick and too tired to have that fight. I said to Mum that we have had this fight and Im not doing it again, but ofcourse we had to do it again. I almost guarentee part of the reason moving out is on the cards is because Dad wont stop pandering to Mum and her demands and is just leaving the door open for her to have goes at my sister. I mean shit, he is getting messages from Mum abusing him over something that happened involving my sisteer, everytime, my sister is getting messages too. He thinks I wont speak to my sister about this in case she isnt getting them, everytime she is getting them and Dad just sits back and allows it to happen, rather than doing what he said and getting up and having a go at my Mum. I dont get the messages, so Im not involved until the following day, but Dad said he would protect her and again is failing her, moving out makes sense.
I dont want to bang on about it too much, but the withrawals are the worst Ive had today. I really feel horrible. Its coming up to my night meds, which means I need to eat and I have barely done that today and when I did it didnt improve the way I felt. I drink a mixture of Mother and Iced Coffee, I know neither of which is good for me but at least the mother is no sugar. Oddly the iced coffee goes down easier than the mother but I cant drink a heap of iced coffee in one sitting. Im finding the mother a bit rough today, Im assuming because of the carbination. I had that nap and Im really keen to go to bed now, I woke up at 4pm, its just after 7pm now, so not a huge amount of time but yeah bed is calling. Im all itchy again, its just my face, my stomach feels like I swollowed a feral cat thats crapped everywhere. Im still incredibly cold, I know its not cold because my sister who feels the cold is sitting in just a jumperr and not winging how cold it is. A bit gross but I feel like I got to go bad but its empty. I seriously ache, my head ache is the only thing thats not too bad. My joints keep doing that thing where they lock up/sieze and crack but with a bit of pain in it. My eyes ache, I rub them so much they are dry and the lids are sore.
I dont blame the doctors, they prescribed what they thought was best, I needed a high dose to combat the pain and I was already on a pain patch. I dont know why they didnt put me on this new stuff earlier, the doctor has said nothing but great things about it, so I dont know why they didnt chose to put me on it earliers. Maybe if they did I could have avoided the withdrawals I am having. What concerns me is that these arent full on withdrawals, its only a percentage of what full on withdrawals would be as Im still having a significant amount of the drug. Im worried what I am going to be like when I have to stop taking this stuff as well.

In response to: Mainly abouut my sister

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

God I seem to have a lot to say.

My mind is racing with thoughts today, cant really keep track of them so this one is probably gonna be pretty messy.
Firstly Im not feeling as bad as ysterday, but I am really tired, like its 10am and I am close to going back to bed. Ive decided that Im going to have a go at quitting smoking again. Financially I cant keep doing it and I feel pretty rat shit already so whats a little more?
Im watching a show that has started off in an addiction centre, them doing group. It made me think of my own battles wiith addiction and the current withdrawals have amplified that. I dont see the current addiction as a "my fault" thing, I took what was prescribed, I didnt take more than was prescribed, in fact I took less most the time. I dont blame the doctors either, its just the nature of the drug I was on, its addictive and I unfortunately became addicted.
The drinking however, that was a choice I made. At the begining it was innocent enough, a few drinks to calm me down when we found out about Dad. That few drinks turned out to getting hammered regularly and then everything was about my next drink. As soon as work finished I started. Weekends I would try and hold out to 3pm (thats what the mother wanted) but often by midday I had started. Life revolved around drinking and I would go until I couldnt handle anymore, which generally meant medication and bed. By that stage I could barely hold my head up, keep my eyes open, I was just a waste of space, a drunken mess. Would drive my sister round the twist, I could never understand why, I mean I was doing it to me, I wasnt causing her any harm. But after dealing with Mum in a similar state I kinda get it, but at the time I just wanted to be left alone.
I wondered how long it had been since I stopped, I know the date so I looked and turns out 18months and 12 days sober, It feels so much longer than that, 18 months doesnt sound like a huge amount of time. But that said for the first time at giving up, that is a decent length, not that I have any intentions starting again. I dont think I would have lasted so long if I wasnt living at home. If I lived alone Im pretty sure I would have started again a long time ago. If it werent for the intervention of my GP I probably would have countinued drinking for much longer.
The consideration of what do I believe in has been on my mind today, as many of you know I have a very religious background. Its hard to shed that, its driven into you. It started when I was young, it was part of everyday life, the only escape from it was school, and we know what that was like, home centred around church and religious thought. There was often a religious exxplaination as to why something was done, like hitting us with the wooden spoon, spare the rod, spoil the child. There was many more. Then came the twisted preaching of the church I joined later in life, the intertwined social and religious aspects. The very strong financial preaching, essentially the more you give, the more you get. God rewards those who give. Basically an investement program based on religion.
It came up as a thought because I couldnt understand why the universe had it out for me. Then my thought was do I believe the universe is to blame for my situation, do I believe that the universe is all powerful. Do I think that the universe has it out for me?
Part of me still believes in God, then the whole universe thing comes in. I feel guilty for not believing when i dont or when I do things that are against what I was taught. I often feel a lot of guilt and shame for things that I religiously have been taught. Its hard because in many respects I dont believe in the religious aspect of biblical teaching, I would say I believe in God but in God how I perceive Him to be, not the twisted version I have been indoctronated with since a kid. But at the same time, how do I know my understanding of God isnt twisted.
Its hard to convey how much of a lingering impact my religious upbringing and ofcourse the return to Church in later life. It is acceptable brain washing of a child that knows no better. We are forced to believe that more than displeasing our parents we are displeasing God and if we were to question any of it we are sinning again. So its not just discipline from our parents to worry about but its being worried about and all powerful, all seeing diety thats (we got told this) going to tell our parents on us. Being taught to believe that God was on our parents side, that we were the enemy of both parents and God to be controlled and forced into submission. It worked really well for my Mum to use her version of God and how we as children are to be treated.
We then had all the typical teachings and expectations and from an early age we were expected to learn these and live by them. We could discuss them at times but they werent to be questioned, if that makes sense. These teachings were reinforced over and over again. Leaving church was hard, Mum and my sister had left already but Mum continued with her version of Christianity which did still solidify Mum (more than Dad by then) as being the boss under God. Its almost like God being the head and the King being the ruler, that was the sorta feeling at home. Though Dad wasnt the ruler, it was Mum. Leaving church was hard but it was intertwined in home life. Leaving that was harder. There was a lot of guilt etc and there still is today, even with the break down in the heirachy at home now and I stand up against things, I feel guilty, I feel like I am doing the wrong thing against Mum and against God.
Women rule the roost in our family, Dad and I are really the lowest on the pole. Mum is top, or more so was, then it was my sister, she kinda took over when Mum started to fall over. My sister and Mum are kinda battling it out for who's in charge, Dad is pretty much doing his own thing regardless of the impact on the family. He makes stuff up as he goes along, mainly about outside, doing stuff without talking to Mum, which is fair enough because talking to Mum is the equivelent of getting instructions as to what and how to do everything. Me, Ive been doing my own thing for ages, I am really only interested in my own thing, Im not interested in being in charge and everyone having to do what I say. Im not involved in this power struggle that seems to be happening. I am about doing what I think is right, on the provision it doesnt hurt anyone else, and I mean hurt not be used as a form of control or manipulation.
Mum and my sister see alot of things that Dad especially or I do as being sexist, just cause we are males we shouldnt be in charge. They think that because they are women they should be treated differently, that being a woman is a good enough reason to have an overabundance of clothes and shoes and where possible Dad should pay for them. They should also be treated special in grocery shopping and what they do around the house. Its this thing that just cause they are women doesnt mean they should have to clean, but the reverse doesnt happen that they should be outside working instead of Dad. The list goes on, but what ends up happening in the end is Dad is piled with work, because he just takes it he doesnt say no, and they have little to do because they are women. It even comes to work, my sister is on a DSP, which is fair enough. I have a fair bit of time off work because of being sick or in pain and there is an issue, I should push through, Im also not allowed to go on a DSP, no matter how bad I am and the number of recommendations I have from support people, Im not allowed to. I get there is a financial component to that.
Actually on that, (I did say my mind is racing) the financial position is almost the first consideration to anything, especially my financial position. You know Dad will help me out with medical costs, generally leaving it as long as possible before committing and making the transfer. He does help financially with time off lately. But it wasnt without conversations as to how I am going to repay it. As much as he will help financially and always have there is always words had about that assistance as if I am unaware of the position Im in, I know better than him. But he is almost always grumpy, has a mood etc when it comes to actually doing the actions to help. Like I should have funds in reserve to pay for all these procedure, I should just have all this money available, but I have been on the back foot for most my life. Even when I am in a good position, it doesnt last long, something comes up and that money is needed for something.
The whole family is finance centric, like that is the first thing that comes to mind in every circumstance, me included. I see the cost of a procedure before anything else, regardless of how much I need it. But when you have no money, that is pretty important. But while we talk the talk we dont go into things with a health focus, its a finance focus and how we can reduce the cost. The amount it costs is the first thing any of us say and there is almost a need to justify that cost. It is understandable because of the amount we do spend on medical costs but at the same time it would be good if the health of each person was the primary focus.
When the amount of pain and how sick you are is questioned, its is not suprising the cost of procedures etc have to be justified. I mean, I know that my sister has an issue believing the amount of pain I say I am in. I had an increase in pain meds recently and I told her and I got FFS under her breath. If I wasnt in the pain I am saying and doctors werent agreeing with it, reading reports about my pain, getting information from a pain specialist then yeah, FFS might be warranted but doctors etc arent idiots and wouldnt have me on the strength of pain killer I am without being able to justify it. Its like, according to her and others in the family I dont look like I am in enough pain to warrant such high dose, its like she wants to be the one in the most pain, like its a competition or something.
So much health wise is treated competitively, look my legs are swollen, mine are more swollen than hers. I dont feel well, well I have this, this and this wrong. Its like there is some sympathy card to collect. I dont get it. Other people can be sick/in pain etc and its neither worse or better than someone else, they just also happen to be sick/in pain too. Even if you are worse than someone else it doesnt negate their sickness/pain. It doesnt mean that they can all the sudden they can live life like they arent sick/in pain. In a family where everyone is sick/in pain its difficult, some can do some things some can do others, some cant do much, some can do a lot. So long as each person does what they can. Mum has given up, she doesnt seem to want to participate in any way. I do the things I can, limited as they are. With the increase in pain med dose I think Im going to be able to do more, once I get over the worst of the withdrawals. Sister is concentrating on random stuff, sometimes she gets into the lounge and a bit more gets cleaned up. Dad he does a lot, he spends most his day outside and then comes in and organises the kitchen and often cooks. A lot gets left to him at the moment, Im looking forward to actually being able to help him. Today I did take out the rubbish, cans and recycling so I managed something.
I got my new glasses today, a pair of normal ones and a pair of sunglasses. Im getting the lenses replaced on the old ones. With my health insurance it cost a whopping $9. Its really good to have a pair of glasses that arent scratched to shit, its making typing this so much easier. But going in and getting them etc has really worn me out. I exhusted. I tried having something to eat before I left and just felt aweful since. I dont know how long the withdrawals last but it would be really good if they stopped, like now.
Im really tempted to go to bed and have a rest, Ive been doing it but I feel like its an issue that I do it, mainly because Mum does so much of it, like she is asleep so much, sometimes for days at a time. So when your sick and need to sleep you feel bad because you dont want to be like Mum. So much you dont do because you dont want to be like Mum. She goes to extremes but you dont want anyone to reference you in regards to Mum.
My sister has told my Mum that she is trying to move out, I told Mum that there was no baby, last I knew that was the case. Mum is cracking the shits over it, daily sister is getting text about it, they are not pleasent and they are just crap. Basically throwing stuff at her from years ago, saying how shes changed (no one has noticed), that she said if she starts crying then she wont stop and that was directed at sister as if her fault, the list goes on. I havent really given my opinion on moving out, it wont be for a long time I imagine, she could change her mind, her application might not even be accepted. I think moving out right now would be ill advised but who knows in a few months. The baby thing, I have said I dont want a kid, so if Im honest I dont want my sister to have a kid in the same house as me. But thats not fair. Mum said about sister having kid as motivation for Mum to do stuff and I dont think thats fair or a good reason for sister to have one, or to encourage it. Sister bought a car, eliminates the whole sharing a car thing, might make the fuel thig fairer as well, as I keep getting left a car with an empty tank which I dont think is fair. There is no point arguing about this, because she will feel completely justified in what she is doing and force that upon the situation, in that she shares similarities with Mum.
My mind has slowed down a lot but still feels absolutly full, my headache has worsened over the day which isnt uncommon, Im itchy most the day now. I got just shy of a fortnight until my next appointment with the GP. Im hoping that the symptoms dont last that long, if they continue for much longer I will prob make an earlier appointment, some indication as to how long this is going to last would be good. All that said, I was on a decent dose of the med and now Im on half the maximum dose, its a mixture of 2 drugs, one that has a bad rap, quite common for severe pain and another that stops things going real bad if you have too much. What I dont understand I was on the one that has a bad rap, I was on about half of what I am on now with this mixture drug. But there was a big deal about me being on the lower dose without the bit that stops things going bad. Im hoping you were able to follow that and you should have worked out the painkiller part easy enough. I sorta realised yesterday, quite how much of the pain killer side of things Im on. I can go higher but I dont think I even want to, even if the pain was sufficient to warrant it, I dont think it is at the moment. It makes me wonder what kinda withdrawals Im heading for when I no longer need the meds, that kinda scares me.
I did finally go to bed for a few hours, wasnt great sleep but a good rest. I dont normally nap well because without my medications I dont normally sleep well, even with my meds Im up and down a couple times a night atleast for an hour each time. Ive tried so many remedies, etc. I do better now than I used to, I used to be up every couple hours and even more often than that. But the night meds Im on now do a good job of helping me sleep. I woke up feeling worse than I did before I went to bed, really nauseas. I had my meds shortly after waking up just because it was time, Im supposed to have food after my meds but I cant tonight, I think if I eat anything then I will most likely hurl, I figure keeping my tablets down is more important than trying to eat and throwing them up.
Im very much a person of routine, but that has been trashed by this pain and mental health stuff. I do have things for a purpose like my tablets I have one for showing my current calandar, not being used properly at the moment as it should have my routines displayed but the most its displaying is my and my sisters appointments. When she gets her car that will stop. I have my main tablet that I write on, do emails etc. I have my TV tablet, that does spotify in the lounge but thats rare. Then I have my mobile. That is typically set up for media as well but for outside or in the car and ofcourse phone calls. I dont do much texting on my phone, its only if Im out, most my texting is done on the main tablet, its much easier with a keyboard. I can get emails on my phone but unless its urgent its normally dealt with on the main tablet. I like my bedding, its kinda fluffy so it gets washed and put back on that night. I write every day now because thats something I do, regardless of whoever is reading its a thing I do. I have certain types of cloths and thats all I wear because I dont like a lot of different fabrics, my sister is remarkable at getting the right fabric. Mum would continually try and get me in wool and I hate the feeling of wool but that never mattered. Certain things have remained constant but many things I just cant continue with.
I dont understand why I cant get back into my normal routine where Im showering and brushing teeth again, even taking my medication at the set times and going to bed and waking up like Im supposed to. That one really messes me up, I cant start the day at the right time because I sleep through, 6am is when I am supposed to get up, Im currently waking anytime between 7:30 and 9am. But then Im napping through the day and then going to bed at like 7:30-9pm. I cant get into a regular sleep cycle, where as not so long ago it was just what I did and my day flowed from there. I woke up, I had breakfast, I had medication blah blah blah and its not like I have a huge list of things to do, I mean I am not a soccer Mum with 3 brats and a part time job. Its really not that much, but I just cant seem to get my day into swing from the outset and it flows on from there. The lady from the insurance place said that she was going to do a routine thing for me, I gave her a copy of mine and she is going to sort something out, she knows Im not following any of it. See what she comes up with.
Its dawned on me that I am a pretty quiet person at home, like I answer questions and what not but I dont really start conversations or talk about much, not the stuff I write in here for the most part. But it does seem I have a fair bit to say judging by the length of the posts I am making. It would be nice if I felt comfortable to talk like I do here. Its like I have years of pent up conversation, stuff I wanted to say but am not in an environment that I can or at least feel like I can, like it wouldnt be receptive, like people dont have time for me. Thats the big one, I dont think, I dont feel that people have time for me and what I have to say unless it benefits them. I say something to Mum she doesnt like, as calmly as possible and I still have attitude according to her. My sister is generally combative if I say something she doesnt agree with or tried to justify her position without taking into account how I feel about it. Dad and I just dont talk much and if we do its on topics that we both agree with, if something comes up where Im telling him he has acted in the wrong he shuts down and ignores it or just tried to let it slide. When people talk to me about stuff its rarely taking my feelings, my position into account its just demanding from me that I do things the way they say. I mean even with making coffee. I used to really enjoy making coffee, I would brew cold brew and other syles of coffee. My main style was areopress, it was really calming, it was involved and you had to pay attention to what you were doing, without realising it you were practicing mindfullness. It was a fantastic way for me to find peace for a while.
At some point my Mum decided to try some, she used to be a coffee drinker but had moved to tea but really enjoyed what I had made. This started to develop into a regular coffee for Mum, which I had to walk down to her room to deliver. The joy was being sucked from me doing it, I argued against it and had many fights, but everyone else argued back and it was basically do what Mum wants and ignore how it makes me feel. I did find out later that it was just easier to give in to Mum and basically Fk me, which is a pretty stock standard thing. In the end I lost the taste for brewed coffee altogther and was essentially just making it for Mum. By then Dad was making them as well and he lost/destroyed a part of the Aeropress which meant no more could be made. There was a bit of a grumble by Mum over that but eventually she accepted it. so I thought, not long ago she asked if I had replaced the part yet and I said Id have to buy the whole thing again and I wasnt doing that. I mean why would I, why would I buy a device to make coffee that I no longer enjoy because you are so self important that you cant leave me with one thing I really enjoy and helped me mentally. To buy a device to make you coffee, an activity I now resent and a big part of my resentment to you, Dad and sister, because you couldnt see how much it helped me, how much I enjoyed it and because it made your lifes easier you stripped me of that to please Mum.
With the new car coming Im assuming that I am able to keep driving the Rav4, nothing different has been said. Ill be reverting back to my standard calandar, which is set up on my 1st tablet but not showing everything. I think one of the calander, the medical one isnt showing, so I want to fix that. I want to sort the calandar out a bit more. With the 1st tablet now properly setup how I like it, it was just sitting unused, Im hoping that it might encourage me to start doing my routine again. Thats my goal for tomorrow. Im about to go to bed, I feel more sick than tired at the moment. My sister just had her tea and the smell has made my stomach churn. If I wake during the night I might have a play and see if I can start sorting it out.

In response to: God I seem to have a lot to say.

ClockFaceSenior Contributor

Sick of the drama

Apparently I look better today, I still feel pretty aweful but probably a litttle better than I have. I tired, very tired, again Im tempted to go back to bed for a while.
Its unbelievable that pretty much every day there is some drama, today Mum sent a text to my sister asking if she was awake, shortly after sent a msg to Dad asking if sister was awake. Dad went to find out and in the process woke sister. Sister was mad as only day to sleep in and had apparently told everyone thats what she was doing, first Ive heard of it but regardless, thats not the point, there is no need to msg Dad after msging her. And its all because my Mum has decided she wants to talk to her, I mean there is no rush on that, there is no need to have that immediately just have some patience.
Thats something that Mum (and my sister) lack, I mean they can bide their time, stew etc but if they want something they want it now, not in a minute. Mum is particularly bad for this, she is extremely demanding and its right now. She has asked for it and we should stop what ever we are doing and do what she asked for right now, no delay. It like your not doing anything, ever, just sitting waiting for instructions.
The thing that my Mum and again to a degree my sister seem to grasp, they can have their opinion, they can believe with what they want and do or not do but all these things have concequenses. It could be a positive or a negative consequence, we all wear them. But they seem to think that they are immune to negative consequenses. If you have an opinion or a feeling and you share them and others do not see things the same way and they share their feeling about it and the conflict with yours then you have to accept that. Just because you have that opinion/feeling doesnt make it right nor does it mean that others have to share and abide by those opinion/feeling.
Both my Mum and Sister are really good at having an opionion/feeling about different things and they expect that I will just jump on board or change mine to meet theirs. There are a lot of things I dont agree with, like just bowing down to Mum's demands. I was, still am, against doing that. For a long time my sister was of the opinion that we should do so, particularly if she wasnt involved in doing these things, that said she was driving all accross the country picking shit up. That caused a lot of fights, Dad would do alot of stuff but I would argue the point. Now opinions/feelings have changed and we shouldnt be doing anything, Mum should be doing things for herself. But it does seem to appear to be around emotions rather than whats right. My sister is angry with Mum and from my point of view is trying to make her suffer, she is doing that to most in the family at some point. So I question how much is anger and how much is it is right for my Mum to be doing these things. But opinions/feelings are not always thought through, they should be, they should be examined. At the time I think it was more the easy way out, just give her what she wants and maybe she will shut up, now, though I agree with the outcome I think its about making her suffer, release some rage. Neither is the right basis. Mum should be doing these things because she should be looking after herself and the burden of her care when unwarranted shouldnt be on family members but on herself.
There has been a lot of crap going on today, a lot of it happened while I was asleep, its mainly crap between Mum and sister and Im doing my best to stay out of it. Its not that I dont care but I dont have the capacity to deal with it. Added to which there is dumb on both sides, primarily my Mums side lots of issues there but neither side is without fault. But neither side will admit any fault. When it comes to Mum, for good reason, sister is tightly wound, so anything Mum does sets her off. On the flip side Mum is so intent on making her point and having her way that she cant see how much damage she is doing to sister and family. There is a lot of damage happening at the moment and Mum keeps digging her heels in trying to make some kinda point, most the time its the point that she is tyranical. Shes currently banging on about there not being any discussions about stuff, which is code for her having an opportunity to demand how something happens.
Sister realised recently how disfunctional the family is, Ive known for a long time. Mum thinks she is this all powerful being that has every right to instruct everyone how they should act and how they should feel. Seriously, if you have a feeling about a situation that she doesnt agree with she will want you to change that feeling to one that agrees with hers. Thing is my sister, while not as bad, is very similar. She has a tendancy to not understand that other people are affected differently than her. Dad is very, lay down and let her win, hes had years of fighting and he doesnt like confruntation, he goes outside and does crap out there and ignores everything going on. He recently said that we dont understand that he has been fighting for 50 years. My sister rightly replied that we have for 40 years. Its all we have known, Mum getting her way above all else and Dad just doing as he's told. I asked Dad the other day if it was normal for the wife to make demands and the husband just does as told, then there is the complaints as not done exactly right. Apparently its not. Im very different to the rest of my family, I moved out for 10 years, I also did assertive training and have been through a bit more psychology and realised sooner that the shit going on wasnt right and that I didnt have to accept Mums way, which was in turn the way of the family, so for many years I was on the outs because I wouldnt just bow down to the demands of Mum, even if Dad and/or sister were engaged to enforce things. They are slowly waking up to it, Dad is the slowest with it, he seems to be struggling the most, he doesnt want the fight, which ticks me off because he is putting not wanting the fight above protecting sister and I.
Im not going to get involved in much stuff anymore, I mean I wasnt to begin with but even less now. The first second people get they throw you under the bus. If I said that the last I heard there was no more on the kid front from my sister, thats probably because the last couple times she has said she cant do it, I wasnt aware that still meant maybe. But on the flip side my sister has corrected that position with Mum and she is still holding on to what I said as if its gospel. Big shock Im not always right, sometimes I misunderstand or dont have the most up to date information so if the person that knows for sure whats happening, the person who is making the actual decision is in a better place to tell you whats going on. I keep getting told what I should do about sister, I should have taken card from her in hospital, I should have done this, I should have done that not you did a really good job considering the situation and its carrying on now, Mum sitting there saying what should have been done, particularly in retrospect, but also leaving it up to me to deal with, not helping, instructing. Im overly too tired to deal with all this anymore on my own. My sister is trying to regain some independance so wether its smart or not she is pushing back on me and in general. She really wants to regain control of her medication, any kind of control, which I think is a really bad idea, Ive said that when her suicide prevention councillor says its ok, Im fine with it. The honest thing is I dont want to be in charge of her medication, its not a lazy thing but its a responsiblity thing. I am having enough trouble with the responsibilities of my own life let alone someone else.
Thats the big thing why Im backing off, I dont feel appreciated for what I have and am doing, like what I have to say doesnt count for anything anymore and I just dont have the strength to be as involved where Im not wanted to be, this may be of my own doing with things Ive said about honesty not mattering as much as follow through, at the time that was true. Why keep buying lighters and stashing medication etc. to then tell someone, just dont do it, just stop doing it. Theres only so many times where honesty is rewardable before it just becomes I dunno, frustrating cause it means I have to collect stuff, I have to take stuff away from you, I have to be the bad guy yet again, sorta disciplining my sister and stopping her from collecting enough to have another go at things. And when I get angry about it, when Im hurt, its sister that takes offence, tries to take moral high ground. I will do what I can to avoid her taking things too far, I will do what I can to protect her, even from herself. But even more than I have been I need to protect me. Im too tired, Im worn out, Im too sick and Im in too much pain.
I did have a nap late morning, early afternoon today. Its 5:30pm and Im already for another nap. Im exhusted, but given the amount of medication Im on I shouldnt be suprised. I dont know if I was doing more if I would be less tired, but as we well know I cant really do a hell of a lot more. I again am left feeling like Dad has an issue with all this because of the way he's acting but my sister says he's all "thingy" in general. I cant help but feel that has something to do with me, though it could be an issue with Mum because he refused to go to her room tonight to collect rubbish, yes thats a thing in our house, it could also be that he's sore because he has been spray painting sheets of metal this afternoon.
My sister is on about going to have Carl's Jnr for tea tonight, as Mum doesnt want to celebrate mothers day but sister thinks she still has one due fur babies. I highly doubt Ill go, I didnt have tea last night, I had something early morning but thats all Ive had in past 24hrs. The idea of eating makes my stomach churn, its really not appealing to me. I am managing to drink alright, probably not enough but Im drinking. So there isnt much point me going out for tea when I dont want to eat, added to which I just want to sleep not go out in public. I mean I dont like that at the best of times, when I feel like I do I like it even less.
I said yesterday that I was a person of routines and while true that is not exactly correct. Its patterns I like, things that are regular. I find comfort in things being the same, things being repeatable, being predictable. There is security in knowning that if one thing happens the next thing happens. That I use one thing for this and another for that. There is security in routines, that I go to bed at a set time and wake at a set time, though Im not managing that at the moment, because the medication Im on especially means I sleep at weird hours which makes for difficuly getting into a rythem. There is security in patterns of behaviour.
My sister and Dad have gone to Carl's Jnr and my Mum is down her end, she wont come up so Im effectively on my own for atleast an hour or so and all I want to do is go to bed, Im basically waiting until its late enough for me to take my meds. My pain meds are every 12 hours so I sleep in I have to stay up a little later to get to atleast 11 hours. I just want to sleep though and I am really tempted just to take everything and deal with it. The new meds are really messing up my life, its causing sleep issue, I mean my whole day centres around sleeping, when I can, when it doesnt seem 'wrong' to take a nap. Im still in pain, Im not increasing the dose any more though, this is enough to deal with. I can do a bit more than I was before the meds but Im still really restricted. I cant eat. Im hoping that all this eventually subsides, that if its withdrawals I get over it soon, my sister said I looked better this morning, didnt feel it. If its side affects then I hope they can determine that and do something about it.

In response to: Sick of the drama

tymeModerator

Re: Sick of the drama

Hey @ClockFace ,

Do you think your family is quite comfortable living in their little dysfunctional unit? If they are, maybe it's about you doing what you need to and just leave them to be?

It just doesn't sound like it's worth the stress as it's really wearing you out mentally and physically. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Also, would you consider moving out?

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