Malens Babble

I feel like I winge about my family alot and I dont mean to. I am very aware that I do shit that annoys them, I mean they make that clear. Some I agree is justified, some not so much. The thing I realise about my family is it is very judgemental of each other, and others I suppose the few family friends they have Mum is forever judging. But we all do it to each other but its rare that anyone says any of it to the other persons face. Like I bought some chips today, just felt like something to nibble on and its not a daily thing. Dad saw them while I was out with Mum and said something to her about me not needing them, Im a big bloke, hes right but no one does we buy them not because we need them but we want them. Its no real difference with smoking, you really dont need them, you feel like you do but you want them. Anyhow, Dad has never said anything like that to me, he would never say anything like that to me. And that sorta stuff is pretty common, someone has an issue with someone else, they dont approach the person who they have an issue with they talk to someone else, often me. I get if they are after advise on how to approach the situation, but it rarely is its bitching.

What I find infuriating is one person will winge about the actions of the other and then and go and do it themselves. Mum was complaining that my sister had decided what she meant by a message she sent, how dare she, its up to Mum to know what she meant. That was 30sec after winging about the meaning of a message my sister sent. Heres the difference between me and the rest of them, I will address things and I did today, I said to Mum she just did the same thing. Its never well received, which always confuses me that they come to me, I dont coddle, I dont bullshit, if I think that there is an issue or someone is out of order Ill generally say something. I dont go looking for a fight, I dont get involved unless Im "invited". I would be more than happy to stay well out of it. I would love it if one would speak with the other, with respect. Most the time it boils and boils and explodes and the message is lost in the delivery. I do have a tendancy to this, I just get so sick of being the one to quell arguments etc that standing up for myself is a bit much and I dont have it in me.

I get I kinda bitch on here, I see it more as venting or working through the problem/situation. As Ive said previously, I dont really trust my family, you know I talk to Dad about how to address issues with my sister and Mum, its not being judgemental but discussing an issue and to my sister to a lesser extent. Generally I let them bring the subject up or I correct a way of handling something, I should say correct I challange what they are thinking of doing. Its not that I am perfect at this or know the right way to do things, I just tend (oddly) to be more level headed and not to go at things with such an emotional bias.

Im kinda careful to think through things and not to react purely based on emotional thought, I mean I dont always win I have the occassional screaming match but its generally based on previously thought about issues. Like Im not flying off my handle without good thought behind it. Thats part of what Im doing here, is getting good thought. Dad and sister then to react emotionally or not at all. They will think about stuff but then something sets them off and all the rational goes out the window and they end up making things worse because they want to fight all the fights at once and end up digging themselves a hole and giving ammo to whoever (normally Mum) to use against them in a manipulation after party.

Communication is not really the best with our family, me included, I tend to stay quiet and out of it until I have to step in. We cant sit down and have a civil conversation about issues, we cant quietly just address thing and agree to actions to improve the household dynamic. No one feels like they are being heard, but the ones feeling that way (Mum and sister) are the ones screaming at everyone. My sister hates the idea but she is very similar to my Mum and they fight a lot at the moment. Some of Mums traits that my sister complains about she also has and Dad and I complain about them. They are both very much my way or arguement until I get my way. Dad and I cant seem to get through to my sister that we have managed the house without any issues, no deaths or preventable illnesses for 5 months while she was in hospital at a far lower cost. Like there is no need to spend $50 a day on shopping just to get a chance of getting the drink bottle you want, especially when the price of food etc is more expensive than where we normally shop. Im a dumb arse I buy 2ltrs of Iced Coffee, a pack of smokes and a 4 pack of Monster a day. I buy it at the same place, around the same time, its enough drink etc for me for the day. Id save a fair bit of money if I stopped this but its a habit thats long standing. To go shopping for things that are not needed, will likely go off just to make up $50 shopping for a cheap water bottle, you cant chose the one you get so she is after 3 and keeps going back daily.

Im not perfect, I dont have it all down pat and I dont know if the way I do it is correct but I do know that the way its being done isnt working either. Ive sat back for most my life and watched the bullshit that my family carry on with and I can see its really not right, I cant work out how they cant see what they are doing isnt working. But they each seem to want to be right, their way is the right way and will push forward with their method regardless of the expense. I dont push my way, I let them go and when I get the opportunity I put my 2 cents in and watch them ignore it and keep doing the same thing over and over. I dont want the responcibility of guiding the family as to how we should interact, I am not a person that seeks responcibility I probably am responcibility adverse. Im glad that we have a family councilling program coming up, it will be up to someone else to correct the way things are done. I dont have a standing in the family to push my way, it would be worthless me trying to push my way of thinking and again I might be wrong, I might get to this program and find I am completely wrong, but I am sure that what is happening now is wrong and Im willing to change but I dont know about my Dad and sister. I dont know, and this is evidence backed, I dont know that they are capable of actually making the changes. Some of the things we have already been told to do is to make boundries but my sister pushes that onto me and Dad and winges when Dad doesnt do it or does it differently to how she interprets the making boundries and enforcing them. Dad doesnt want to do either, he just wants it fixed, he doesnt have it in him to work for it, like everyone he is worn out and tired. But the realitiy is he either puts in the work or he makes the really difficult decision to kick Mum out. They are seperated and he could push that, but it would be very expensive for him and I dont know how that would turn out for my sister. I wouldnt follow thats for sure.a

Today hasnt been a good day. It started off with me feeling lousy, my mental health wasnt flash. Really struggling with the whole "Why Bother?" question. Why botherr fighting, why bother caring, why bother tyring to go back to work, why bother with anything because everything just turns to shit and its not going to make my life any better.

My sister then got a call from her doctor, who was passed on to me to let me know that my sister was stashing one of her meds, trying to build up enough for yet another attempt at taking her life. She was taking it from her night meds because I was a bit more lax on watching her take them, because my meds make me pretty drowsy.

I handed the phone back to my sister and finished my smoke and came inside and demanded the stash. I was fuming mad and she carried on that she needed a minute, I didnt give her anything, I kept demanding the stash, it wasnt an option. She was laughing when she gave me the phone and when she took it back. She thought all this was funny. She gave me the stash and they have been put in the safe along with hers and mine.

A short while later she told me that what I had done was not very nice, I hit back with that she had no idea what Ive been put through over the past 5.5 months. She wasnt the only one struggling and that I have been incredible nice over the past months and Ive had enough. I kinda went bunta but held it together at the same time.

Heres the thing I have been by her side as much as I can be for the past 5.5 months, I stopped working to be there for her and to deal with my mental health. I have inclurred around $20,000 debt to finance being with her and to pay my medical accounts during this time. Ive been diagnosed with CPTSD recently, I have a range of mental health issues prior to this. Ive tried different medications. Ive had 4 different procedures, one was supposed to stop my spinal pain but actually revealed a different source of pain and we are now investigating that, just so happens that this source of pain is worse than the origional and I have been put on additional pain medication, Im on heaps before that and now really high dose. My mental health has degraded significantly, I struggle with suicidal ideation which just seems to be intensifying. The only reason I dont is that I dont want my sister to grow old alone. Ive had a psychotic break. The list goes on. The amount of stress and lack of support Ive had, even today Dad was questioning me as to why the doctor spoke to me and I said they always do, Im her second on everything. My sister took off in the car a couple hours ago and hasnt returned or gotten in contact, Dad just asked if I had heard anything and I said no, no point me ringing she wont answer, maybe you should ring her and he promptly took a ladder outside. I cant have him as second as he just doesnt engage. Yet he is on my case about returning to work, which I am keen on but how do I just go back and leave my sister to him when he cant help while Im around?

My sister started having issues 5.5 months ago and over the course of several months went between medical and psychatric facilities, eventually she came home where she attempted to take her life, she went back to hospital for a while and then back home, again she attempted to take her life, this time though it was more serious, I found her unresponsive, something that has haunted me since. Part of the reason Im so mad about this hoarding meds, she said she was sorry and now she is planning, like future planning to do it again. Shes not sorry. I cant help but think she is selfish. I have SI, I get it but I stop myself because of others. She is just worried about herself and is only interested in how she is feeling.

I do get that suicial ideation etc is an illness and she is not 100% incontrol, but there has to be some effort to curb the action and some understanding that people who love you are going to get mad by continued actions. There is only so much I can bottle in, she wonders around like she can do whatever she wants and no one is going to say anything. Opening packs of stuff and just leaving it there, taking stuff out the pantry and not putting it back. She has, for a long time, taken over the lounge with her stuff because she wanted to revamp her room, that was over a year ago. She has the bigger bedroom of the house, yet still needs the entire lounge plus a bunch of room in the dining area, leaving me a small space to use and for Dad to get behind me for him to sit down.

Ive run out of something, I was all understanding and patient but Ive run out of this, she needs to start making an effort and she has to realise that other people are in pain, both mentally and physically and its not a competition. Understanding and patience goes both ways, there has to be appreciation of how difficult it is to try and support the mental wellbeing of another while theirs is crumbling and doing that for months on end. This isnt to mention that neither parent (which we live with) are any good with mental health. Mum essentially does nothing to support anything, she is more interested in herself and her issues. Demanding Dad and I do stuff for her claiming she cant do it because her medical issues. She has even apparently stated that maybe we should just let her do it. Dad shows up, but when it comes to dealing with the mental health stuff hes a lost cause. He has major issues himself that he just wont address.

Everyone in our family have mental health issues, my sister is newish to confronting hers, shes had psychology in the past but not a great experience. Mum saw the same psychologist and similar experience. I saw her briefly as did my Dad but not ideal so we left. Dad basically ignores his flat out. He is aware of an issue but wont address it. Mum is aware of depression but refuses to see a psychiatrist for a full diagnosis and therefore is untreated. I am quite active, Im aware of multiple illnesses and am working to get a new psychatrist and psychologist and other supports. It does make a hotbed at home with tempers, attitudes, moods etc being chaotic. There is a lot of pain in the house as well, so working out who and what each person can do to contribute, but its hard when one or more cant or wont. Its also hard when Dad says one thing to my sister and another to me about the same thing. Like she has as much time as she needs to clean up lounge, but to me he complains its not happening fast enough. Or sister can smoke inside, while I have to go outside, that just insites issues.

Im in a lot of pain today and mentally Im not coping so I think its an early night. My sister went for a drive and after 2 hours came back. She hasnt said much to me so she still feels that I was out of line and cant see why I was the way I was which is kinda good cause Im not in the mood for the BS she will come up with anyhow.

I know these have been even longer than usual. Im sorta writing through out the day and then posting as a whole piece before bed. I appreciate that its a significant investment of your time to read them so if you are I do appreciate it, if not I understand. If you think it would be better for me to make multiple posts through out the day let me know.

This one does jump around a fair bit my mind is a bit all over the joint today and it reflects below.

I rang Health Direct last night, they decided that I am having a combination of side affects from the new medication and chronic anxiety. I need to see my doctor who does my pain medication and discuss the side affects and I might have to discuss my anxiety with him as I cant get into my normal GP for another few weeks. Ive been saying to psychiatrist, doctors etc that my anxiety is getting away from me but little seems to be getting done about it. Recommendations have been made as far as I know but as I cant get into my normal GP its not getting followed up.

I told Mum that my sister had a stash, Mum wanted me to take the keys away from her (to the car). She told Dad to take her money off her. Basically lock her up at home. We are far more than walking distance from anywhere so it would basically be imprisioning her. I said we cant do that. She wanted her in a facility that was like this, but they dont really have them anymore, except for really severe psychotic cases as far as I can tell.

Mums position is if she can go out she can buy OTC pain killers, which she has used in her previous cocktails, however when she was in any facility she could do the same. Im not going to start inspecting her bags when she gets home. There is only so much I can do or more so how much I am willing to do, I cant go invading her privacy.

Mum was then on about her missing her morning medication because Ive stopped waking her up in the morning. I would literally ring her until she answered the phone and get her to get up to take her meds. This was at 10am. I really couldnt keep doing it, I couldnt handle the responcibility of making sure she took her med, as well as my sister taking her meds and convincing myself to take my own. If she didnt wake up properly and went back to sleep it was my fault. If I forgot again my fault. She had no responcibility to take her meds, despite having the latest phone, with alarm clock(s) she still cant do it. Now shes winging someone needs to make sure she has had her meds. She wanted Dad to do it, that was never gonna work, he will never remember and at that time he is pretty occupied. I should mention that I was having to wake her while I was working for a while there. She has now roped in a family friend to do it, basically Mums only friend. Shes gonna burn bridges, she uses people and when they stop or complain she has an attitude or cuts ties. I hardly speak to her now that Im not waking her. She doesnt initiate conversation and I only do to update her on my sister now. I engage as little as possible, it always turns out bad and generally something I should or should be doing. Half the time a comment about my size is thrown in, always negative, even if Ive lost I can lose more.

My sister is still pretty grumpy over my outburst yesterday. Dad and I talked and she does so many things like Mum, there are so many similarities between the two and it amazes me how often my sister winges about my Mum doing something and 5 minutes later goes and does basically the same thing. When my sister was in hospital the house was pretty well clean and tidy all the time, its just a mess now. She starts something and then 5 sec later off doing something else or she falls asleep at the table and wakes up feeling like she wants to do something else. She is in and out to the shops buying more stuff that ends up on the bench or laying around. Then theres the lounge, I spoke about this, its a mess. My Dad for some reason put my sachel bag in there. Well that was a deal for my sister, it had to be moved. I mean theres 10000 things of hers and 1 of mine and the world comes to an end.

Im not backing down on what I said last night, Im not apologising. There is only so much BS I can cope with, only so much attitude, ungratefulness. I can only deal with my circumstances, my illnesses being ignored or forced to take a back seat for others, constantly being made to feel that I will have to wait until later to address things in my life. I get she isnt in a good place but I can only be dragged down into that deep so far before I have to kick and punch my way up again and I certainly need to start doing that, it seems on all fronts. Dad isnt being too bad but he doesnt understand and he is almost completely focused on my sister so there is little room for me and he doesnt seem to get that I need his attention too. Mum doesnt really give anyone any real attention and my sister isnt in a position to do anything. So I am left trying to support my sister, help her as much as I can. Dad is in a bad way so Im doing the same there. Mum doesnt think she has an issue so not much issue there, but then I somehow have to fit myself in and I am the only one supporting me. I dont have someone in my corner. I dont have anyone making sure I take my meds, talking to me about my appointments, talking through difficulties and my anxieties. Im giving all this out and not getting anything in return, Im just left to my own devices and hopefully it works out.

As many know Im on a number of medications, I think Im down to 18 prescription medications. I have some side affects from the medications one of the worst is dry mouth. I drink a fair bit as a result but its causing serious dental decay, I am more filling and broken teeth than I am original now, a small chip from my front teeth fell out today. Not uncommon. It doesnt help that I struggle with self care and brushing my teeth falls in this. While I had my routine going I was doing my self care, but I cant seem to get back into my routine, even the modified one, so brushing my teeth (and showering) isnt happening. So not brushing my teeth and dry mouth is destroying my mouth.

I dont know how much louder I can yell, scream, shout that I need help. I suppose Im a little different, I dont actually scream, Im generally a much more controlled person. I dont like to be out of control of my emotions etc. It comes across as more relaxed, calm, I dont draw attention to myself. My sister is the opposite of that, she craves attention. Shes like Mum in that way where as Im like Dad. But I have been clear with everyone I have engaged in regards to my mental health, along with family, that I am not coping and that I need help. My delivery shouldnt dictate the urgency or severity of my situation. The company that is going to be providing support has put me off another week, however my insurance company that are providing my income protection have a rehabilitation program that they have signed me up for are going to get some supports in place during a meeting next week. They at this stage arent looking at the return to work program but getting support in place to help me and aid in my return to work.

What I really need is an ongoing psychiatrist, someone that can engage me regularly and see how I am and make changes to meds, add and remove, increase or decrease, develop a combination that works for me. The one off sessions have helped but thats a snap shot of my life and a response of medication based on a 1hr session. I said in my last one that one of my medications have stopped working, they said that can happen but to the best of my knowledge made no recommendations for a different one. Its also recommendations, I then have to wait to see my GP to impliment those recomendations. If it were an ongoing psychiatrist I would get a prescription and it would be implimented. I need a GOOD psychologist who again Ill see regularly and we can talk, work through issues, develope coping strategies etc. I need more than talk therapy, I need skills. The thing is I need them soon, like real soon but I have 6weeks or more before I will be lucky to have my first session with either.

Sadly the highlight of my day is when I go get my smokes and drinks and there is one of a handful of staff on where I go and I just ask for smokes and they know the ones I want. There is one girl who grabs them when she sees me come in unless she is making a coffee for another customer then she makes sure that she says hello. Its like someone remembers me enough to get my smokes or acknowledge that I exist. It's nice.

My anxiety is really bad today, feels like I am shaking from the inside out. I have medication to help but its not really working anymore. I took double to see if that did anything and not a thing. Its just stopped working. Dad asked me to do something on his phone for him, he's not tech savvy. I was shaking so much that I had to walk him through it. I kept making mistakes and screwing it up I was shaking so bad. Its incredibly frustrating, even typing I am making mistakes. I ended up taking one of the break through pain killers today, made me super drowsy, has helped me with the pain though. Im really not sure why I am in more pain than usual and anxiety is high, is there a corrolation between the 2? I dont know at what point it is something that you go to ER for or if you do, is it just something you have to accept?

Im really glad I found SANE, the drop in line is great but being able to write through my thoughts, get it out visually in front of me, know others are reading it and there is a level of care. I probably go to hard core at it and I dont expect that heaps of people are going to sit and read my bable but it is very theraputic to get it down. Its amazing how often I learn something about myself of my thoughts/thought process. Its really revealing to assumably the reader but also to me as the author.

Ended up laying down for a couple hours, not so much sleep but my back hurt a lot and the shaking was frustrating the shit out of me. I just needed a break, try and clam myself somewhat. Dont think it really helped but it did get me away from everyone for a couple hours.

Its a hard thing living with your sister and parents. Your never really alone, I mean I drive into town once a day so I get 30min or so away from everyone, but that doesnt really count. My sister goes out most days and Dad is outside most of the day so I get a little quiet but its not the same as everyone nicking off for a few hours and leaving me completly alone. Occassionally I get lucky and Dad goes to church on a Sunday morning and my sister goes out. As mum doesnt really leave her room, its like she isnt here anyhow, so on occassion I get a make shift few hours alone. Its a few hours of peace, not peace and quiet, well that, but peace in the respect of less anxiety, calm, like a ceasefire, its not 100 weapons down and withdraw but its peace for a while.

I did aim for an early night last night but got caught on the phone with HealthDirect and then Mum. So Im going to try again tonight. I aim to wake around the same time every day for my sisters meds, Im happy to take mine a little later or at night a little earlier but I try to make sure hers are done on or as close to on time as possible. So the only way to get a sleep in now is to go to bed early. Ive spoken about it before but sleep and me dont really get on well. Generally Im in bed by 8/9pm but wake around 1/2am then go back to sleep until 7/8am. This seems to be the current patter. Id like to get back to my old pattern of bed by 9pm and wake at 6am but these pain meds really make the sleepy time go on for a while..

Heres a weird thought that I have never expressed to anyone because it makes no sense. I dont want to get married, I dont want children, I dont want any of it but it really upsets me that I wouldnt be able to carry my wife over the threshold and if I had kids they would be quite young when I would no longer be able to pick them up. I dont know why it bothers me but it makes me feel like a failure from the begining of two relationships, but neither would happen. I dont want a girlfriend/wife as I would make a horrible boyfriend/husband. The way my mental illness affects me just makes me not suitable, it wouldnt be fair on someone I supposably love to put them through life with me. Its hard enough with my own family, neither of us have a choice but to have a choice and do that to them, I couldnt do it. Not to say people with mental illness cant have relationships, I just cant see it for myself. For the same reason Id suck as a Dad, added to not wanting more responcibility. Also, my mental illnesses can be passed down and can affect how I treat my children. I would be terrified that I would pass it on to any potential kids or because of the mental illnesses I would be a poor father. This is not to say I wouldnt love them dearly but I can just see that I would need a great deal of help to manage parenting and to even get to the place where I would be able to parent a child.

Its funny each day I wonder what on Earth is left for me to talk about in these posts and each day I write an essay or 2. Kinda getting annoyed, as stated previously, I have to smoke outside. Ive taken to watching Facebook Watch, cop shows. I sit out in the freezing cold and watch for a bit while I have a couple smokes and take 15 minutes out. Everyone knows its my time, I get interupted most the day but out having a smoke its just me. But now out of nowhere Im getting txt from my sister and just then Dad came and hunted me down to ask me a question. I really just want to be left alone, like more than normal and for longer than normal. I just, I dunno, want out for a while, I want to be free from everything for a while but I cant even get 15 minutes.

Tomorrow Im planning on trying to get some sorta budget in place, I had one for a while but when my sister got sick I just spent on her. I know how much Im going to get from my income protection. I know most my bills the psychologist and psychiatrist are costs I am not sure on, but I can make an educated guess. I dont see that I am going to have enough money coming in for what would be going out but Im seeing my Financial Councillor Wednesday next week and hopefully he has some brilliant ideas.

I tried to have tea again tonight, I havent been able to manage much in the way of food since I started the new med. I got maybe a 1/4 of a lite n' easy meal down. I had some chips durning the day but that was it today. Eating the chips was ok, but didnt eat many having tea was far more difficult, I was forcing it down, I was really struggling. It was as if I was eating clag mixed with rancid offal

I know Im not the most positive in my posts, theres a lot on and not much is positive. But where you can stay positive and find joy in the little things.

Issues relating to my financial position

Sister

A range of disabilities

5 months of being in a range of general and mental health facilities

During this time I was primary carer - this involved being at the hospitals a lot for meeting etc.

Sister was unable to comprehend or retain information provided by doctors, this fell to me

Last 2 admissions were due to suicide attempts. Last requiring a week in ICU and several weeks in G*** [location removed by moderators]

I found sister the second attempt unresponsive, I had reoccuring flashbacks that would wake me at night and disrupt me during the day

There was a lot of travel during this time as hospitals were 45min-1hr away in general.

Spent a lot of time on the phone when not there

Limited support provided by father during this time, mainly after work visits

No visits made my mother

Mother

Is in heart failure

Has aquired brain injury

Doesnt participate in maintaining the house, cooking, cleaning etc.

Requires tea to be brought down to her along with any other items

Very demanding and abusive

We are jointly (Sister, Me and Father) trying to curb this behaviour and have support services in place to assist with that.

Father

Stage 4 non-hodkins lymphoma

Recently retired

Has assisted financially for my time off unpaid and for medical procedures that have been required

Will not be able to continue to do this now that he is retired.

Me

Im diagnosed with Bipolar 2 with psychotic features

Psychotic features have been hard to deal with recently

I also am diagnosed with Anxiety

This is severe and medication has been prescribed with indication of increasing this

I am diagnosed with Depression

This is severe at the moment, suicidal ideation is high, I have a plan and means, I dont follow through because I dont want my sister to grow old alone

I have OCD but minimal impact currently

I have just been diagnosed with Complex PTSD

This has caused my childhood experiences to resurface and aspects of my home life as a child has also been pushed to the forefront of my mind and is causing many issues

I have not had ongoing psychatric treatment and I have tried psychology that was bulk billed however I am now in a position that I require ongoing psychiatric treatment and a particular psychologist has been recommended based on my mental health needs, these will be significant financial burdens

I will be working with a community mental health organisation, this will mean time off work for this but it is important for my mental well being, one of the goals will be getting onto the NDIS

I have regular GP visits, at least weekly if not twice a week. My pain medication requires regular appointments for scripts as both can only be prescribed in fortnightly supplies. I also have to see them for other medical needs, I keep a list of items to be addressed and slowly work my way through that list. Most appointments are now doubles, increasing the cost

I am on 18 different medications daily plus 3 or 4 suppliments. There are appointments for this, however my chemist holds on to my scripts and makes me aware when I a running low. 2 medications are not on the PBS so quite expensive

I have a pain specialist, appointments are kept minimal but I have procedures with him quite regularly. Depending on the procedure the price varies but there is always a cost not covered by medicare.

Recently we did a procedure which has revealed an additional pain source which is causing more pain than original treated. More procedures to follow for investigation and potential treatment. Pain medication has significantly been increased as a result.

I have bladder cancer and see a urologist regularly. I am changing urologist at the moment as my previous one did not wait sufficient time for the gel to work leading to a very painful procedure. How often I will see my new one I am unsure.

I am now, after a very long wait on Salary Continuance Payments. As I was on reduced hours prior to going on this and significant medical leave the payments are a lot less than my normal income.

Payments are now monthly in the amount of $3388.57

Even with normal income and taking into account leave for medical reasons financially I can not support my debts, medical costs and everyday costs

It has been suggested that I look into Disability Support Pension given my medical position

I live with my parents and sister, financially I am unable to live on my own nor medically

I do not own a car, I have the use of my Mums car as she doesnt drive. There is no public transport services where I live, Uber (if serviced) and/or taxi would be cost prohibitive

Due to not having an income for over 10 weeks, additionally costs of going to my sister in hospital and medical, including procedures I have accumulated further debt, around $20k.

I have little in the way of assets. I have my phone, under contract. A tablet, also under contract and a mid range tablet owned outright. There are my clothes and some fishing equipment but thats it.

I dont know why my Dad does it, we are selling stuff on Buy Swap Sell which is fine. Dad goes to church on Sunday mornings and then make time for people to pick stuff up. Im not a fan of it but I do it. Its the stuff that needs 2 people to lift, I can only assume there are 2 people coming cause he never knows and leaves it to me. If they need a second person then one day its going to land on me to be that second person and with my back its ideal, I mean it can be really bad, really painful and he just doesnt seem to get that selling some shit isnt worth it if its going to cause me issues. Surely he can talk to them and make the time in the afternoon or ensure there are 2 people coming.

It sucks as well because hes gone out but so has my sister, so the rare chance I have to be home alone (Mum doesnt count) is ruined by people coming over, I dont know exactly when so I am just waiting on them to rock up. Though that said I dont know how long my sister is going to be out for, so its not like I can completely relax. Its not like I want to do something wrong or anything, its just some time where there is lesss chance of World War 3 breaking out.

The first person came and I basically had to move the gate myself, I got a litle help to lay it flat into the back of the 4X4. The person was an older woman, who was significantly over weight so I couldnt leave it to her to move it. I feel bad not helping but in this situation I felt I had no choice. Once again Dad had backed me into a corner where I would have to go beyond my capacity and once again it was over money, that does seem the be Dad's driving force, Money. That is more important than the health and wellbeing of his family, that includes himself. If he can get treatment for less or free he will tend to do it. He will go to bulk billed and low charge doctor over his regular because its cheaper. There is a bulk billed x-ray etc place that has a bad reputation, thats where Dad goes, its free. Ive had to have mine redone as they are not trusted or the image isnt clear. There is family therapy coming up and he was getting everyone to do a mental health plan etc as he was going to get everyone to go thirds in the cost. Its over his screwed up wife mainly, my sister and I shouldnt be paying for it yet again, surely we are paying enough for our childhood and for her actions now days. He's not helping me at all when it comes to looking after my sister, Im paying for everything, I mean he is paying initially but I have to repay him. But me doing all the support, dealing with doctors etc. while he worked that wasnt worth any help. I bet he has kept a tally of the board I missed.

Mum is different, she wastes money. She will spend money for medical but if she can buy something, do groceries that we dont need, buy swap sell etc she will. My sister is a bit on the side of Mum but will use everything she buys. Most my money goes to medical costs, I am a bit of a consumer so I buy the same crap to consume daily, I get into patterns really easily but real hard to break. I go ok money wise for a while, then something happens and I go down hill, Im so in debt that I kinda given up trying to resolve it, like I dont see that I will ever repay what I owe, I am completely overwhelmed by debt. Most of its from medical costs, a lot from consumption, smokes, drinks etc and then old debt from trying to make it on my own for about 10 years. I fluctuate a fair bit but its always on my mind, normally I am pretty stressed about it. I think Im a mixture of responcible and then stupid cause of the smoking etc. But I have nothing else I spend my money on. Occassionally Ill get some tech stuff but thats rare.

We grew up verry frugal, I dont know if we were poor or middle class, I would say probaably say on the poorer side. Most our money was invested into renovating the house. Everything was done on an extremely tight budget and Op Shops were a staple for our clothes. Most stuff was second hand. Dad is still very frugal, he seems to think everything costs how much it did 30 years ago. Mum is still a huge fan of second hand, she loves buy swap sell, its more about the bargin than the use though. My sister will use Buy Swap Sell but she is after near new, hard to find etc. Shes more tacticle about it than Mum. She will also look at the full cost, like how much its going to cost to get it, as well as the cost of what she wants, then she decides if its worth it.

Me Im different to all of them, Im more into techy stuff firstly. So new is the only way to go there. But clothes etc I prefer new, doesnt have to be branded but new, I dont like the idea of other people having worn what I am. Im also big so its hard to find second hand in my size. I dont think there is anything that second hand is going to be ok by my, I just prefer new. I had enough second hand stuff as a kid, now days I feel Im worth cheap new over ultra cheap second hand. There are enough "brands" around that are pretty cost effective that they put some competition to the second hand market. I would also rather save up a bit longer and get the product I want, with the specs I want etc than to settle. I suppose thats a thing for me, I dont like to settle for acceptable when there is better that will do a better job and be more effective.

I have been doing little for hours, I cant, I hurt myself moving that damn gate. I decided to make my lunch and Im part way into and my sister asks for her old Webster Pack cause she wants to take out one of the meds, that I know she can have more if needed. I finished making my lunch and had it and then out for my customary smokes and by the time I came back she was snootie, I think laying down and I went to the loo and she said "Dont worry about it". Im not here for her meds exactly when she wants them, she has lost her privilages surrounding her meds by her actions. If she didnt try keeping a stash and lie to me about it then I might have been a bit more tolerant, but I would have to sit and watch everything she did with the meds, not just hand the pack to her and let her do what she wanted. I was going to get into a position that I was ready to do that. Its in my time, not when you demand. Keep in mind, she is aware I am having pretty crappy side affects from my new pain killer and feel like shit.

This was after this morning when Mum (for some reason) texted everyone asking for a inhaler. Both Dad and I were asleep and didnt have one anyhow. My sister has 2 but ignored the text because if she really needed it she could ring or come down. If she is having trouble breathing coming down would have been a real trouble especially that she is in heart failure. Someone asking for an asthma inhaler you just provide it, not sit and ignore it.

The side affects are pretty bad today. Headache is ok, but I had lunch and my stomach ache went from average to extreme pretty quickly, Im feeling pretty drowsy/tired, Im assuming thats because Ive had additional pain killers (its prescribed). Got a runny nose thats also kinda blocked which is driving me a bit batty. Ive been pretty cold today, been in my Oodie on all day, then after lunch got really hot.

I said to Dad today about the wanting old meds thing and then I said that I didnt think that it was fair that she was still allowed to smoke inside and I wasnt and that she is smoking a fair bit, its not like one or 2. He said it was gonna stop, I think there are a few things that are gonna be addressed soon, which is about time because there is a lot going on that just isnt fair. I get she is sick but its not like the rest of the house is healthy. Its not fair for her to use her mental health issues and the fact that she has attempted suicide twice to drive others to be pushed further in the same direction. Its small things like clean and put your cups away, there is no reason she cant do that. Having a constant attitude because she doesnt like this or that. She acts like her feelings, her illness is so much worse and therefore so much more important than anyone elses, she doesnt take into consideration that others are struggling, it doesnt even seem to register that others are sick and what she is doing is making them worse, its not just about her. Dad said about medication she is pushing and pushing to the point that he is about to give in and let her do what she wants and to be honest I understand and almost said lets do it. Its almost like she doesnt want the help, she is fighting against it so why force it.

My sister huffed herself into bed about 4 hours ago and I have just noticed that my anxiety has been much lower. Like Ive been able to chill out and relax with her not around. Im not on edge or anything. That calm just shattered as she came back down. Its weird, she came back down and almost instantly I was overwhelmed by the need to sleep and am planning that Ill have tea shortly and go to bed. I cant believe the effect she is having on me.

I sent an email to my Financial Coucillor last night, basically laying out everything thats going on in my family and myself. I put together a basic budget based on what I have going out at the moment, inc average cost of Psychcologist and Psychiatrist once a fortnight. We have a meeting coming up on Wednesday so figured this will give him an up to date idea as to how things are, as they have worsened since our last appointment.

He rang this morning cause he was so concerned, the fact that I sat down and wrote down everything shows its playing on my mind and I was obviously quite down. My Financial Councillor is an ex-ambo so he gets a lot of my medical stuff and the mental health stuff he gets but pickss up on without having to have it spelled out to him. Its really good in that respect I can talk to him about the non-financial stuff as easily as talking to him about the financial stuff. Financially, we talk reasonably easily too because we are both in the industry. I might not be great at managing my money, I dunno anymore wether I am bad at it, I am in a bad medical position causing financial difficulties or I never got a chance to get ahead, like Ive always been a financial step behind. I think its a mixture of all of the above. But I can make a budget it rarely works out that I have sufficient income to cover my debts.

Im really happy that I have this guy as my Financial Councillor, he gives a shit and he knows the stuff he needs to to be able to help me. Im sure he helps others but my particular case he is really good.

Im in a reasonably good mood, I went to be at like 7, slept until 9 with 2 hours up in the middle of the night. I forgot that my sister needed the car in the morning, so it was a quick trip into a local town to get essentials until she gets home and then Ill have to go get my normal stufff. We share the car and have started a shared calandar but Im finding it hard to keep up with both mine and her appointments. Its well known that I go into town first thing in the morning, so knowing I was asleep and she was going to need the car she could have woken me a bit earlier so I could go into town, but her response to me needing the car was "I did my bit" in a joyvial tone. Like a big middle finger. She did let me go into the local town, its more expensive but will get me by.

I dont know whats up Dads arse. He has said less than 5 words to me today. He is laying down slate out the front, so he is pretty sore. I went out to see if he was ok and he hardly said a word, its like he is pissed with me for something but I have no idea what I have done. That said he has been in a foul mood for ages and he holds it together around my sister but no one else. He really needs to talk to someone and get some of this hostility off his chest. He wont, which I cant understand, its like the only thing I can think of is that its just not manly to be open with someone about how you feel. Which kinda gets me because in one sentance he is on about me talking to someone and the next its like I shouldnt be, I mean when he realises the costs involved in me seeing the psychs it will definately be a different story.

I write pretty lengthy posts, I think its what I would like to speak to someone about but I have no one to actually talk to about any of it. I also like responding to posts, if I think my experience lends anything that I can actually share. I dont know how much help I am to people, I dont know if I am providing any benefit but I like people responding to my posts, though rare, but if I like it I know others do so if I can then I should.

This not having a car thing is really frustrating. We have 2 cars, 4 people. Mum doesnt drive, Dad basically doesnt give his car up, though he might to my sister on occassion but there is always a reason I cant use his. My sister share the other car, she had an appointment this morning, which I forgot about but I was able to get some essentials before she left, which is lucky because as so often happens, she has buggered off somewhere else after her appointment, wouldnt suprise me if she doesnt come home until late afternoon. Me I take the car for like 30min normally unless I have an appointment and then its a little longer but its pretty much there and back. For some reason she seems to need to go shopping somewhere for some shit everytime.

I watch FB Watch alot, mainly old cop shows from America it amazes me what happens but it does help me realise that there is so many things worse that I could be going through. I mean I cant say that as bad as home is its not violent. I dont have people coming around trying to attack me, dealing with drugs and other crap. Well I suppose a little on the addiction side but it was legal. Theres no violence but plenty of mental stuff, plenty of manipulation etc but there is no police call to be made for that. But you know Dad can be a jerk but he isnt hitting me. Theres plenty more that could be happening in my life. Its horrible but it is an amazing view into a world/life I hope I never find myself in but it just doesnt happen where I live. Maybe down in the city and a tiny percentage in town but as a rule there is none of this. We have never lived in a high crime area. Thats not to be offensive, most of my life I have lived in rural areas where everyone knew everyone. I hated being that close to people. We currently live in a rural area but there are like no one around. We have neighbours but dont really know them and dont mix business. I suppose I did live in a major town/minor city and got involved in drugs etc but there was no cops etc.

As I said my sister is out, shes been gone for hours. I dont like her driving, one her eyes are no good and to the best of my knowledge she isnt doing her excersises and she gets double vision so I dont think she should be driving. But there is also this thing that she is going to take the opportunity to buy OTC meds and take them in the car somewhere secretively. From what I can tell she can only get enough down to make her sick, she had a gastric bypass years ago and she cant actually hold a lot down, so meds and drink it would fill quickly, which I think has been our saving grace in the past. But it still worries me that she will try.

I dont know how to relate to her at the moment because she seems determined to end her life and that seems to be her primary driving force. She doesnt care about anyone elses feeling or what they want to do. Its all about her, what she wants, when she wants it. She is increasingly angry with my Mum, which I understand but some of it is unreasonable and some of what she is doing is just cruel. She doesnt take anyone else into account in her decisions she just does what she wants. The car is an example, she never told me that she is going to be taking it for hours at a time, I wouldnt have argued but I would have taken that into consideration. TBH I should have known that is what was going to happen. I dunno the girl we have is very different to the girl 6 months ago. After everything I did for her while in hospital etc I would have thought Id get a bit of a break and some credit now that shes home and she would think of my situation a little now that she has seen whats going on in my life. She just got home and walked in and just started talking over Dad and my conversation, all about her.

Its been over 2 weeks now since I had a shower, I just cant bring myself to do it. Like I wake up and Im like today's the day but it doesnt eventuate. Ive changed clothes a few times but still and its not like strip off and change its change a shirt and a few days (or longer) pants. Might add a jumper or my oodie. But I dont actually get myself to shower, I just dont see the point, its not like Im ipressing anyone and I hardly see anyone to care. And its kinda the same with all my selfcare, who am I doing it for. I dont care, My family doesnt give a shit and I see no one of consequence. If I have an appointment then I might do something, like I know I will before I see the Financial Councillor but I dont see a point prior to that. I kinda think its dishonest before a doctors appointment, I mean I do it but they are not getting a real view of what your going through, on the flip side you dont want to stink at the doctors etc. though more and more Im caring less and less.

She got home andd I asked for the car to drive in and get my stuff, this was a big deal as she was just in town and could have gotten it. I like the short drive to the servo, see one of the attendants I like and drive home. I listen to some music, at the moment 80's play list. I dont know I find the whole thing calming and enjoy getting out of the house briefly.

I have a bit of a problem, its bad today and I have never spoken about it more than outside the doctors office. I have Overactive Bladder (OAB). So after I pee I pee a little later, in my case just a dribble most the time. Today, its happening pretty regularly, when I get up or move it happens. Again its a small amount but its pretty embarrasing and uncomfortable to walk around with a wet groin. It does encourage the idea of having a shower and changing, but at the same time why bother, its likely to happen again and Im just going to wet myself again. I find this issue really embarassing. Im on medication to control it, normally it works well but today its not doing a good job. If it continues I might have to see if I can find the nappy thing I get when I was using before I went onto the medication. I think I have a couple around the place.

Somehow I have to give up smoking and iced coffee. I really enjoy both which makes it really hard. I cant afford to continue to smoke, its just so expensive. The iced coffee is just no good for my weight, Im not eating much at the moment, but it shouldnt be an excuse to drink crap or crap food. I buy Lite n' Easy so I have healthy food to eat, though as I say at the moment Im eating like 1 meal a day, occassionly I have breakfast but not a healthy one, like Coco Pops or Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. Some of my dietry decisions need to be improved and I have to stop smoking, financially I cant continue to afford it but health wise I need to stop. But its kinda like the whole selfcare thing, why bother. I mean, if I had my way I wouldnt wake up tomorrow so why would I care about my health, for that matter why care about my finances, I want out, if that happens then no more finance problems.

For most the day I have felt kinda lousy, my stomach has really been out of sorts. Ive started getting a monster headache again and just feeling horrible. The side affects, if thats what they are, are long lasting they just wont give in. I get real tired around this time of the day, Im assuming its medication related but it could be that I dont/cant do anything, like I am basically stuck watching telly. I had plannned to do a bit in my bedroom but that didnt happen, I felt too crappy. Ive been really cold lately, I mean it has been cold weather but Im feeling it far more than normal. I almost always wear my Oodie.

The thing I dont understand is my sister cant comprehend that for 5 and 1/2 months Dad and I ran the house, it survived. I mean we managed food, cleaning, dogs, everything, on top of visiting her at least 1 of us daily. Dad worked out shopping, I deal with myself, given that my sister doesnt pay board or anything like that I dont think she should get any say in what is bought for food, but she has come home and trying to do things the way she likes to again, while Dad is trying to do things the way he has been. She doesnt do any cleaning, we have left that so she can do her room/lounge but she keeps buying stuff and avoiding the lounge, which really needs to be done. I feel bad that I cant help and she has spent 1/2 day shopping and then just lumped it on the kitchen counter when Dad needs to feed the dogs shortly. It would be good if she could get on with the program that we have put in place because it is working and it takes a lot of stress off her. She decided to get some pain killers, prescription but not really strong. She let me know that she got them, but rather than demand them like last time Im leaving it to her, I am going to try and help but I dont have it in me to fight for her to do the right thing, she needs to start taking responcibility. I dont have it in me anymore to try and make her do the right thing or for Mum to for that matter. Ill keep giving meds but if she wants to do dumb things shes on her own.

I feel really guilty that I am not able to help at home. What I can physically do is really limited. Dad is spending the entire day outside doing stuff until the sun goes down, then comes in a feeds the dogs and worries about the dishes etc. I cant do either cause I cant bend over multiple times so I cant feed 4 dogs and I cant load and unload the dish washer. Ive been managing my own stuff, like doing my washing etc. but helping I cant. There is the aspect that Dad could stop an hour earlier and come in and do the things that I normally do. I feel like Dad is getting a bit shitty with me because Im not helping, I mean I can see his position, I look like Im walking fine, when a few weeks ago I was suffling, but it still hurts to walk it just doesnt help to shuffle. Hell 1/2 the time it hurts a fair bit to sit. I just dont show it or winge about it constantly. I will say the pain meds have helped while making me feel pretty shit house, Im hoping there is something my GP can do on Wednesday. Dads in pain, he doesnt feel like he has a choice but to keep going but while I am waiting on my procedure he could take a step back outside and do what he needs to do inside. But he doesnt need to try and take on everything, like make some modifications. The thing people dont seem to understand with chronic pain I wake up in pain, I wake up in pain, if I do anything the pain escallates incredibly quickly and takes a long time to settle and while I have medication for break through pain but I am supposed to avoid the situation of needing it, so going off and doing things that exagerate the situation is a dumb move. People with normal pain start off in little or no pain and though out the day it worsens, if they are smart they slow it down or stop when its getting too bad. Dad is a bit odd in that he is in chronic pain due to non-hodgkins lymphoma but as best I know it builds slowly though out the day.

Seriously, Mum is banging on about picking stuff up nearby, we have all said no more picking stuff up so she then rang me because she couldnt get hold of Dad. I was not unpleasent but very frustrated and that came out in my tone. I made it really clear that no one was going to go get it or anything else. The only time I speak to her is when she is saying gimme, nothing about any of us being sick/in pain.

I get inside, tell Dad and then tell my sister to ignore the message. I decided to organise meds and my sister says can I have my meds, I asked if she was going to take them straight away, no, she will take them later. I said no, they will go to Dad then. Dad does the night meds to make sure she takes them as she was stashing some away. Then it was can I have my Webster Pack and I said no. Then I said she can have everything cause Im sick of the arguments. I said I was doing this because her Doctor and Suicide Prevention person had asked me to, not because I want to, cause Im sick of the arguments about it.

In general I am sick of arguing with people, Mum and sister. Just listen and stick to what has been said and/or agreed to. Its the same bloody arguments. No more picking stuff up, we're done, no more cant make it clearer. Yes I am going to have an attitude if you keep going on about it. The same for my sister, stop buying medication, stop trying to get greater control when every time you have gotten it you have abused it, Im not an idiot dont treat me like one. I feel like shit, Im tired, Im in pain and mentally Im not well. Give me a break.