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Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Mar 2023, 7:22 am AEDT

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

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In response to: Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor02 May 2023, 8:17 pm AEST

Its a long one

@Gillie @Former-Member @Former-Member @Owlunar @Historylover @ArraDreaming @Oaktree @justanotherguy @Dimity @FloatingFeather

Sorry, this is a really long one. Its been a day

Ive been open that I am on quite strong pain medication, its monitored heavily, they make sure I am only being provided enough to get to my next appointment. I have to be accountable for what I have left over at the end of the period. Its strict.

I am an ex-alcoholic, a big part of the concern. I stopped drinking 1/11/2021 but still its a concern and something thats come up with the pain killers.

My sister is worried that Im going to get addicted. To my real irritation apparently it was discussed in her psychiatric appointment, thats fine but the psychiatrist is the same one as I had, both just once off and she told my sister that she had recommended the dose be reduced. Its not a huge thing, but that shouldnt have been discussed with anyone outside my medical team and makes me wonder what else was said.

To be honest I am worried about getting addicted to it, Ive been through rehab once before and dont love the idea of going through it again. At the same time I wonder what would be done pain management wise. Im in pain and I need something to manage that pain. I dont like the medication Im on, the patch is fine but the tablets Im not fond of but I need something. Even with both the patch and pills Im in pain, if they reduce the pills I dont know how I will cope. Its not like I am counting the minutes for my next dose, its all roughly timed so that I have at least the 4 hrs between dose but generally its more than that, if Im not in as much pain I dont take the pills. Im allowed up to 5 a day, most days I take 4.

I get the concern because of my past with drinking but surely that shouldnt mean I have to be in pain. I dont want to get addicted but I dont want to be in pain either.

I think Dad is getting sick of me not doing anything, I mean Ive done a little more than usual of late but its been like today, I went and orgnaised new glasses. I needed them, mine are scratched and really annoying to use, they have been scratched for ages I just havent been up to doing it. Today I did it and Im paying the price. Yesterday it was haircut. I was weeks overdue again I paid the price. I do bits and pieces around the house, nothing regular but its when I am up to it, when I am up to paying the price. Thats a big part of it, things happen when I have the mental capacity to deal with the consequences, its not always about the pain but the perception of the pain and our ability to deal with the pain. I cant reliably commit to doing certain tasks daily or even weekly. Every task I take on limits other tasks need to do. Like today, Ive got doctors so it was a push to squeeze in getting the glasses. There is a large gap between the glasses and the doctors, of course its compliccated by my sister, not on purpose but she wanted flowers for her doctor, so dropped her off there and did my glasses and collected her. When it comes to doctors her appt is 2:45 and mine is 3:15 so I have to get there early and wait for my appointment so she can have hers first. She was talking about me going into hers for a bit to discuss stuff with her GP. I dont want to stop supporting her but I dont have the mentality for it, like Im struggling with just me. I dont think its being understood how much Im struggling and msgs saying "its cold" while small, its like there is a problem that I am supposed to address. I dunno put on a *expletive* oodie. I dont need to be told its cold, Im cold, I put the heater on. I know its not big but thats how little Im coping with. Just then I put my headphones on and she started talking and then asks why I have my headphones on, she had her phone playing and asleep so headphones were it. But what does it matter, there is a big part of me that just wants them on to isolate myself a bit. Then Im listening to my show and typing and she just randomly starts talking about some BS that will likely never happen and if it does has no bearing on me. Theres no excuse me, theres no introduction that shes wants to speak about something, she just launches in on the conversation no matter what your doing.

That turned out to be about my sister, Dad just seems to be getting grumpy with me, again its like Im the easiest to bully into doing what he wants. He wont do it to my sister for a range of reasons and there is no point with Mum. He knows with enough pressure and raising his voice Ill generally cave. I stand up to him but he can wear me down and make me feel guilty. I have issues with men, I feel intimidated by them, my Dad included. Dad is a MAN, where as I am a man, I wouldnt have a hope in a fight or any challenge of mascalinity. If to be a MAN is to be a person like my Dad though its not something I aspire to be. Dont get me wrong he is not cruel, abusive or anything he is just so detached from his emations, he is so distant from all of us and I would not want that for my family, if I actually wanted one. He came home from the doctors talking about things needing to change or he is going to end up on the little blue pills, Im not sure what they are but it seems like its something to treat some mental health crisis. Thing is I have been on at him about changing stuff for ages for the very same reason. And here he is acting like the mental health crisis looming is my fault. He needs to get more help to prevent it happening, speak to a psychologist/psychiatrist even a councillor. Ive suggested contacting SANE. He has a lot on his shoulders, he had a lot and now all the stuff that was on mine and now all my stuff, he needs to talk to someone, he needs medication, he needs to make some decisions which will help him and the family manage all this crap.

I just got the acusational "are you showering today?" from my sister. I said no, Im not sure when I last had a shower, bit over a week ago now I suppose but there is nothing in me that wants to shower. Its so much work, I mean its not but it is. I got to get undressed, actually shower and then dressed again. Getting undressed hurts a little, getting dressed hurts more. But the big thing is I really dont want to and I dont care. I do change clothes every few days but the actual shower part I dont like. Now my Mum has decided she doesnt like my shower gel, the smell. Its hard for me to shower so lets have a dig at a big part of it. I dont know why she cares, its not like Im down with her much. The shower I use is in her area, its bigger and fits my shower chair.

I posted yesterday about my weight and I did mention some of it to my sister. Today she has been on about my weight, calling me fat etc. I really didnt need it even if in jest. She goes on about her appearance and I always say how beautiful she is. But me she sticks the heel in and makes me feel as shit as possible about my weight and my looks in general. I have a history of making fun of myself, of my weight and my looks but it kinda protected me, it was kinda like a shield because people can be really hurtful, but it is very hurtful when you have to do it with your own family.

I dont think this is fair, my sister, Mum and I all smoke, Dad doesnt. Mum has a large bedroom and ensuite to herself, she smokes inside, no point arguing that even though she made a rule we all smoke outside, she didnt keep to it. Eventually I didnt either. Recently Dad said no more smoking inside, my sister has asthma and is coming home and it wass too much for him. Sister comes home and shes smoking again and apparantly, its ok for her to smoke inside. I had a bad couple days and with my sister smoking inside I thought it was only fair. After a couple days Dad cracked the shits with me. I had to go outside but its still ok for my sister to smoke inside. I dont see how thats fair, if one has to go outside both should have to.

I saw my doctor doing my pain meds today, I have one doing them and the other doing the rest because I couldnt get into mine on a regular basis and they have an issue with multiple doctors prescribing this medication. Turns out they have decided that they dont like the amount Im being prescribed anyhow so they have changed the med slightly, it lasts longer but has a bit that stops some of the side effects. I was a bit annoyed because I was after a drug like this origionally and got the one Ive been on.

We get home and I rang to find out the time of a long standing appointment I had, my sister who has been making appointments as she sees fit decides to have a dig at me over it because she needs to know when the appointments are so she knows when she can make appointments, it goes both ways. We are sharing a car, Ive had 100% use of it for the past 5 or so months, now she has come back on the scene she feels like its hers to use primarily. She needs to get on board of the sharing thing. She can aafford a car of her own but its a bit early for her to go off buying one. That said, Im the one primarily putting fuel in the car. Ive suggested an app that both her and my phone can work between, shes apple, Im android. She seems completely uninterested. Its like the whole grant I can get on her behalf, Ive asked for the information a number of times cause I want it done but she still hasnt done it, in fact asks when she will get the money. There is only so much I can do.

I do get that my sister has some serious mental health issues going on at the moment, I do get that but that doesnt make mine any less difficult to deal with and I am really struggling with thinking, planning, its like trying to drive a tank with a car engine, theres just not enough grunt mentally to do what Im trying to do. I dont think of things like I would normally, it just doesnt happen. I do remember stuff though, which is causing an issue. My sister has a tendancy to have a conversation in her head and then randomly invite you into that converstation a) expecting you to know what she is on about and b) be aware of what transpired in her head. So if she said something internally she thinks you should know what it was and act accordingly, ie telling you a key piece of information and later in the day referring back to it like, "why didnt you do such and such", she never told me, she thought she had but never actually said it. Then she denies it and there is an argument, though admits she does it.

My anxiety has been off the charts today, I mean I have all the above going on, but not sure what triggered the anxiety to this extent today. I got to the doctors clinic and it was quite busy, like 2/3s full. It was too much for me, I almost considered bailing but I needed the pain meds. I went to the counter and asked if the doctor could call me when ready and I would wait in the car, which they were happy to do. My anxiety seems to be increasing rapidly, like each day its worse than the next day and its compounding. My methods to maintain it are not working. I had organised everything so that I wouldnt need to go out tomorrow but I need to get the new script filled. I have enough meds to get through tomorrow and could put off starting the new ones a day, I might do that, Im not sure. Its weird most my anxiety comes from home and the people in it but to manage my anxiety I want to stay home and not need to go out. I think its my anxiety driving all the writing, like I need to get what Im thinking out of my brain, I need to get it out somehow to make sense of what I am thinking, to process it.

My depression is also getting worse, just my in ability to process things, its just I dunno, Im not myself. My brain seems to move slowly and comprehend anything.

My Dad, seriously, he just came up and asked if I am going to the major city soon, I said I wasnt but asked why and he said he wants to buy something but doesnt want to drive down. He knows about my back, he knows that I go down do the appointment and come back because Im in so much pain, but no lets see if we can add to the trip. I dont know what he is thinking, I dont get him. I am going out doing exactly what I have to and coming home, not looking about, not adding to the trip, not something I want to do, exatly what needs to be done. Why would I add to it for him, I dont need the additional pain for fun of it.

In response to: Its a long one

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor02 May 2023, 8:27 pm AEST

Re: Its a long one

Write whatever you want but don’t tag me in if i feel like reading I will but don’t tag me in posts like this

In response to: Re: Its a long one

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 May 2023, 7:39 pm AEST

Re: Its a long one

@ArraDreaming

All good mate. I got the request after I posted. I have no problem not tagging you. Sorry

In response to: Re: Its a long one

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 May 2023, 7:44 pm AEST

TW Suicide

@Gillie @Former-Member @Former-Member @Owlunar @Historylover @Oaktree @justanotherguy @Dimity @FloatingFeather

I dont know why I need to be the one in the family that everyone comes to with their mental health issues. Dad just said about there being two people committing suicide themselves maybe 3. My sister has tried, so thats 1, Dad is the other and the maybe is me, I shouldnt read into it but why he minimises my mental health issues, Ive told him that I want to commit suicide myself, the only thing holding me back is not wanting my sister to grow old alone. But that doesnt mean that if the situation arises that I am in a really bad place and I cant control my urge the not wanting my sister to grow old alone reasoninng may not be enough. Thats not to indicate I am in that position now, just he assumes Im far better off than I am. I think its because I have this policy with Mum, basically say No and shut the door. If Mum is overstepping her mark, trying to make me do stuff she should be doing for herself etc. I say no and I walk out. It does mean that my Dad cops the winging from Mum but he needs to do the same. For a long time I had to wake my Mum in the morning for her medication because for some reason the phone ringing and the phone alarm are different. I kept doing it because it was something my sister was doing and I didnt want to rock the boat while my sister was in hospital, my sister came out and was in agreeance and it was stopped so I told Mum no more. Now every opportunity she gets she winges about it cause she is missing her medication. Its not hard, take responcibility and wake up. Everyone else in the world wakes up to an alarm.

Last night we had an issue where Mum had/was running out of smokes, Dad often has a spare pack for moments where she runs out late at night. Last night he didnt and the expectation was that Dad would go into town and buy her a pack of smokes, late at night after multiple trips from the rest of us during the day. No one went in, my sister reached out later with the intent that she would go get them if its a major issue (I dont agree with this) and that ended up in a fight, Mum being a bitch to my sister, who doesnt need it when she was trying to be nice. Much nicer than I would have been or was about the situation. Seriously, you have nothing to worry about during the day, surely you can work out that you need smokes or medication during the day not at 8pm. We live 20min from the chemist they use so its a bit of a trip. I use one thats closer, about 10min but shuts earlier, its a little more expensive with some stuff, but they really look after me and for the life of me I dont know why the rest of the family dont use them. We want to get Mum on a Webster pack but she refuses. She takes the hardest route possible and drags everyone else into it, she has some rude awakingings coming because we arent doing most of the stuff she is expecting everyone do for her.

I manage my suicidal ideation and mental health by writing on here, speaking to SANE on the phone. Ive seen a couple psychiatrists and psychologists, trying to get an ongoing psychiatrist at the moment and a referral to a better psychologist. Im on the wait list for guided services and Im working with Country and Outback Health. I know none or all combined are the answer to everything but it will provide the support I need while I get through the worst of it.

My Dad however seems to be of the opinion that someone should just come in and fix it. That the services being offered dont solve the issue. We recently got offered the services of Bower Place to help our family get sorted, more so for everyone except my Mum to begin with. The idea being that they will give us some skills to deal with the situation at home. Dad is dubious of the program because it doesnt fix the problem he doesnt get that its supposed to build skills, we cant change Mum we can only change ourselves. I think towards the end of the program Mum will be brought in and be informed of the family situation and changes that are coming up, some have already happened. We keep telling Dad how to go about things, the boundries to put in place, how to word it, to get supports etc but he wont do it he just gets made that its not fixed. I said to him that he is trying to go from A-Z and skipping all the steps in between, he said there isnt time for all the steps, we need something now. I just cant get through to him that there is no now step, its a process. If we ddont address our issues and Mums we are just going to fall back into the same rut we are now.

Im looking after my sisters medication in my lock box, mine was bought big enough for both. She has 3 regular doses of medication a day but then she asks for pain relief and you have to coax out of her what combination of over the counter meds she wants, if she wants prescription pain relief as well and that can be at any old time. Sure as shit will be 5 minutes after I have been to the lock box for myself. I would rather this than her try to take her life again but it would be great if she could show some consideration, ask what you want, and if you see me go down that end of the house ask, dont wait until Im coming back. Walking hurts, walking up and down for no reason is both painful and irritating.

I started my new pain killer today, pain wise its manageable so far but I have a killer headache, think its withdrawals from the old ones. Got some weird aches and groans not related to my back pain. He gave me a pack worth of my old pain killers the idea being for breakthrough pain but I may have to use a few to deal with the withdrawals. Part of the new meds will stop certain functions of the old one so am wondering if that would even work. Im glad they didnt keep me on the old meds for any longer Im clearly starting to have addiction problems. This is the one time Id like SANE to allow medication names so I could talk about the medication and withdrawals from it. The only site I can find to deal is reachout which is awesome but Im too old for them, if anyone has any information relating to addiction withdrawals etc Id appreciate it. I just realised that the new medication would affect my patch, part of the new med affects parts of my old meds which includes my patch so that might be part of the reason I feel so lousy at the moment. Sorry for the cryptic, just trying to keep to SANE rules but anyone thats been on decent pain meds for any length of time will likely know what I am on about.

I talked about the whole smokes thing with Dad and I think that is part of the problem he has at the moment. He said no to getting the smokes late last night and then my sister brought it up again with Mum and started a fight. But she brought it up because she doesnt think he went around it in the right way. He should have set a boundry of a certain time that he wont go into town and told Mum that before saying no. I dont agree, I think there should be some kinda thing in place where the night before she says what she want the following day and then whoever goes into town can get it. I think if we set a time for her to be able to place orders too she will ask Dad to go into town right to the knock off time or push it 15min or even 30min after. She will push it, shes entitled to have Dad go into town up to 7pm or what ever so she will make him.

In response to: TW Suicide

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 May 2023, 9:22 pm AEST

There must be something wrong with me

The more I think about things the more I figure Im at fault. Like my folks go on about my money management or lack there of and Ive explained the whole medical cost, but they dont seem to think that this is good enough reasoning, somehow I should just be able to manage life, medical and everything else because Im old enough now. Granted I smoke heavily and I like Iced Coffee/Mother drinks but I dont go out, I have no social life anything else but I think I am going to have to give them up.

Im just going to have to suck up the whole pain thing, somehow I have to ignore it and do stuff around the house again, the family seems to be over their caring period and expectations of doing stuff are back. I dunno, Im walking better but Im still in pain. Ive started a new pain medication which is making me really crook but thats besides the point. The new pain medications Ive started are strong, like Im on really strong pain meds, 2 different types. So much so PBS have been involved but I should really just get over it.

While Im at it I should just stop having symptoms of mental illness, if I do I should just push them down deep. Keep going to the psychiatrist and just get more pills to numb me out and make me compliant at home, just the family failure, not suitable for anything other than serving others and staying out the way. Im clearly to much of a screw up to have any input or any life outside doing household chores and going to work so I can pay back what Ive borrowed funding my stupidty of mental and physical issues cause none of it was anywhere near as bad as I made it out to be, I exaggerated everything.

In response to: There must be something wrong with me

tymeModerator03 May 2023, 9:44 pm AEST

Re: There must be something wrong with me

How is your back now? @ClockFace

In response to: Re: There must be something wrong with me

ClockFaceSenior Contributor04 May 2023, 1:48 am AEST

Re: There must be something wrong with me

@tyme

Pain is better on new meds I think. Just feeling real crap. Hopefully wont last long

In response to: Re: There must be something wrong with me

ClockFaceSenior Contributor04 May 2023, 10:57 am AEST

Addiction

Ive struggled with addiction on and off since I was old enough to drink. Soon after leaving home I started to drink heavily. I got into drugs as well. My parents found out and came down (Id moved an hour away) and packed everything up and brought me home and they got me clean.

I continued to drink but not heavily then a couple decades later my Dad was diagnosed with Non-hodgkins Lymphoma. My Mum and I started to drink together, at some point Mum backed off and I steamed ahead. I was drinking a considerable amount every night, then in addition I was taking mental and physical health medication. By the end of the night I was well and truely shit faced, the combination of alcohol and medication, I could barely keep my eyes open let alone walk. My primary focus in life was my next drink, making sure I had enough to get me hammered and I somehow budgetted well enough to make sure I had enough for the week. The amount of money I must have spent on this is mind boggling.

I have to get a certificate of fitness to drive every year and it had come up in conversation with my GP that I was drinking a lot. I cant ever remember being asked in previous fitness to drives but one of the questions was about substances of addiction, my GP marked Y next to a couple (pain meds etc) but also alcohol. It came to a position that I had to give up drinking or lose my license, which where I live no license I cant go anywhere. There is no public transport and work was 45min drive away, let alone get to the nearest bottle shop. No license no drinking. So, very quickly I was set up is an AOD psychiatrist who had me admitted to rehab. I underwent their inhouse rehab program and then I had to do another program called the new ways program, all the while my license hung in the balance and the psychiatrist wouldnt give his ok that I was sober until the program had been completed and they were satisfied with my involvement etc. Eventually I was given the OK for my license and was now sober.

It would have been nice if Mum agreed to and stuck too keeping alcohol out of the house, but she decided that she wanted to continue to drink during my rehab process. She wasnt a heavy drinker, occassionally get a bit overboard, but keeping that temptation so close was not ideal. No one was happy about her doing it but they still went and bought it for her, which I dont understand.

Ive been sober since 1/11/2021 but I was still on pain meds, there was no addiction issues as far as anyone was telling me but then they had to be increased. Eventually, PBS stepped in and said that I was being prescribed too much and that things needed to be changed. So recently I changed from one pain med to another, the difference between the two is another drug that stops some of the side affects of the first. It must do something to how the first is absobed and body handles it or something. Because a) PBS wouldnt be ok with just a modified medication but b) I feel like shit. I feel similar to when I was giving up alcohol, headaches, body aches, loss of appitite, tired. Now it could be just the new med and hopefully my body getting used to it, the alternative and what I think more likely is I am addicted to the first medication and having some of the reatures stripped from the medication is messing with me. The second med is used to stop things if too much of the first is taken so combining the two makes of a pain killer with less side affects but the addiction side in mu understanding, is being stopped by the second drug. Any which way I feel like a shit sandwich and I am hoping that it doesnt last long.

I do feel like I have to say that I wasnt abusing the meds, I was taking them as directed and often less so. I have on multiple occassions asked for something different as I dont like the meds they are prescribing, though looking into the patch there is little difference its just one has a better reputation than the other. I dont feel like I can talk to my family about potentially being addicted to them because of my past and it will be viewed as another failure on my part. Like drinking was pretty much me, I allowed myself to get sucked into that, I allowed myself to abuse that substance. With the med I was taking as directed, I wasnt doing anything wrong. I was seeking help for ligitament pain and this was what they provided. They have now changed what they are doing and I am wearing the cost of the side affect of the med. But I dont think my family will see it that way

In response to: Addiction

ClockFaceSenior Contributor04 May 2023, 5:16 pm AEST

Appointment for Mum today

Sitting waiting for my Mum. She has a doctors appointment at 11:30 it's now 12:45. I spend so much time at doctors waiting not too happy with this. I imagine a lot of this is her arguing with the doc to keep her licence and/or her pain killers. She's on the same stuff I was but a much lower dose but she does what she likes dosage wise. So me days it's a lot some days not so much she just makes it up as she goes along. She goes on about how hard it is for her to walk up to our end of the house or in general but she's walking fine today but when she gets to the doctor on her frame she goes. Straight after doctor she's walking without her frame in the shops. She's so full of shit and it's not that that bothers. I dunno maybe she is in pain and I'm catching her on good days. The bad days tend to mean she sleeps the whole thing. But there's never a good day where she says ill come down and help or I can't do these things so I'll help here where I can.

I get the pain thing, better than most. But I can drive so ill take Mum to the docs. Saves Dad a job. I'll do same for my sister if need be. Again saves Dad a job. I still do my washing if I can and generally tidy up after myself and I'm on much more pain relief than she is. She does NOTHING. She sits in her room winging about how bad she's got it. While the rest of the family is pushing themselves and struggling to keep shit afloat.

It really grinds on me because I am walking better for the most part but I'm still slow and its still a bit of a shuffle but it's improvement therefore I should be doing more and she's the main one with the expectation. Today she got in the car and said it can't be too much to ask that someone clean this car out. Given my sister has been in hospital for past 5 month. Dad doesnt drive it that would mean me. So apparently dealing with all my sisters stuff and my own and now extra pain I should have fit in a car detailing. Theres no gratitude for what is being done, just having a go at what hasnt been done.

We ended up being out until 3 or 3:30pm, after the doctors we had to get her scripts filled, she was just going to go home and get Dad to go in and do it, I said that wasnt right. So we went and put in the scripts and Mum went off to get smokes and some cash out. 45-1hr later she comes back. The chemist hadnt done her script so she still had to wait, then turns out they didnt have one of the meds at the pharmacy we were at so we got sent to the store in town which turned out a 45min wait for the script so it was a very very long doctors appointment. I was in so much pain when I got home, but despite everything I had done not even a thanks.

In response to: Appointment for Mum today

ClockFaceSenior Contributor04 May 2023, 6:28 pm AEST

Some good news today

So there was some concern about the ol ticker. I was getting intense pain in the middle of my chest that would last like 10 min. First off everyone was checking me for heart attacks etc. Very quickly was ruled out. Then it was blockages in the heart so I had an angiogram. Just got the reesults and there is no calcium build up or anything so heart is fine. Goes back to my original thought, panic attacks.

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