Malens Babble

I feel like I am stuck down a very deep, dark well. I cant see a way out, I can see storm clouds above me and given where Im trapped they seem appealing. Ive lost everything, as many would know my health, both mental and physically are destroyed. Ive never had a real go at the money thing, Ive always been behind the 8 ball. I started working, I immediately started paying board. Things like I wanted a guitar when I was young, I had to work my school holidays to save for it. I never got a leg up at the beginining. When I have needed money Dad has helped me but always as a loan, even for medical costs and recently when I was looking after my sister as carer, I have built up a debt with him rather than him sharing some of the costs associated to helping support my sister.

My engine siezed in my old car suddenly so I have been driving my Mums car (she doesnt drive). Now my sister is home she is wanting to use my Mums car as well ash she doesnt have a car either but has the money for a new one. Its really emasculating not having a car of your own, more than driving your Mums car. I dont drive much except to doctors appointment and a bit of shopping my sisters a bit the same but likes to go off for longer periods than me, Im in and out. At some point we are going to have important meetings overlap, I had already planned to have my hair cut but my sister had an appointment.

I have a room big enough for my bed and cupoards, my tablets are on the kitchen table and can be ordered to pack them up at any stage. Dad was on about cleaning off the table to make it more inviting for Mum, I arked up with that. We can make room if she comes down but not gonna sit with my thumb in my arse on the off chance she might come down.

My sister has what was the master bedroom, built in wardrobes and much more room. She has a heap of stuff in the dining room (cabinets etc) with stuff. The lounge is well full of her stuff. She doesnt do her own washing, doesnt pay board and doesnt pay for a lot of her food, Dad was asking if she wants anything when he was doing shopping.

Me I have a few things on the diring room table. I have headphones so I dont interrupt anyone (and I get a break). I pay board, do my own washing, far less than what she creates. I pay for my all my own food, Dad will occassionally buy me take out if the family is doing it, but tries to avoid offering, he will be planning it and he will ask me if I am having my lite n' easy, its then I know its a fast food night.

Financially, I am in a huge hole and I am not seeming to be able to get any help in digging out of that hole. I have a finacial councillor but there doesnt seem to be anything they can do either. Ive had moro's on my accounts but that just delaying the problem. I dont earn enough and spend too much on medical costs, but there isnt much I can do about that. I will likely just have to default on them and wear the consequences.

I work, I like my job but its going to be a long while before I am back to doing fulltime hours again. I am hoping they will allow me to continue to work from home when I return and retain the same role I had. I have nothing much else other than my job but I dont think it will be suffiecient. Like if all I can do is work, but then unable todo things like write on SANE etc that will be really hard. Work and pain isnt a satisfying life.

I have more mental illnesses and physical illnesses than one person should have. I have constant doctors and specialist appointments. More procedures are coming, Im at number 4, I have atleast 1 more and then we have to go from there for future ones. Im sick of being sick and sick of paying so much for it. I dont think my family comprehends just how much of my income goes to paying medically related bills. Like its phenominal how much money I go through on monthly basis for my basics, not mentioning specialists and procedures. I mean I dont earn huge money, I rarely work full hours because of appointments and illness so Im on reduced income. So they all seem to think Im on similar income to Dad, though Dad had a company car for a long time and I was paying for mine. Then there is less money due to medical which they dont think is nesseccary. They dont get the pre-surgery pain and treated me like I need to toughen up. Since surgery they have been better with it, which doesnt make sense to me, I mean they increased pain meds but I was on pretty strong stuff before hand.

I know I havent got it as bad as a lot of people but that doesnt make what Im going through any easier to deal with. I try and remain positive but I just dont have it in me today. My life sucks and there isnt 2 ways about that

Hi @ClockFace

I just wanted to let you know that I have started reading through your thread. I am up to the end of page 2. Boy you have a lot going on.

I am sorry that it was you that found your sister, that must have been so traumatic. At least you found her in time and you can try and be grateful for that.

I also have Bipolar but I think mine is type 1, I have the worse kind whichever that is. I always get mixed up with that. I get psychotic episodes so I can really relate to you. Just the idea if having another psychotic episode terrifies me. I always get so traumatised after having yet another one. I am finally on a good medication that is working for me and I have been well for two years, maybe a bit more. My last major manic episode was December 2020. There definitely is hope!

Sorry to hear of the bladder cancer. Did you manage to get an earlier appointment with the urologist or are you still waiting?

Those boils on the back of your legs sound really painful. I wondered if that is linked to a lack of something in your diet? Maybe a multivitamin would help? I don’t really know, maybe something to discuss with your doctor.

It sounds like you are being dismissed in your family as not very important. All whilst you are taking on the medical responsibility for your sister. Doesn’t sound very fair to me. You are important, you are special and unique. You are good enough. Believe it!

I can’t think what else to comment on right now. I will come back and read some more in a while.

Have a great day.

Meggle

@Oaktree

No the appointment stands in May but things have settled so not as concerned

Yeah Ive come to the realisation that my family doesnt consider me to be that important, I go into that more later in the thread but they never have and likely never will. I just have to be assertive, especially when it comes to my illnesses and protecting myself from making things worse to please my family, which would never happen anyhow.

Finding her unresponsive was really hard, I still have flash backs just not as often. Shes home now and doing better so thats helped.

The boils hurts like hell, one GP has said its to do with my weight, Im a big fella but I am going to talk to my normal GP to see if there is anything they can do

@ClockFace

I am really glad to hear that your sister is back at home and doing better. That’s great news. How are you doing now? I just read page 3 where you didn’t want to try but could see your sister’s point. I hope that you are feeling better now that things have hopefully returned to semi normal!

Meggle

@Gillie @Former-Member @Former-Member @Owlunar @Historylover @ArraDreaming @Oaktree @justanotherguy @Dimity

I have been trying to get a hair cut for a while. Between having access to the shared car and getting there early enough that Im not waiting hours I havent been able to get it done. I cant sit and wait long because of my back so I need to be early on in the day.

So I tried again today and they weren't open. There is another barber in town but I havent gone there because I like the barber I go to, they are all good and pricing is ok. Im comfortable there but I really needed my hair cut done so I went to the other place.

Here's the thing, I dont particularly care about the hair cut itself, so long as its short and easily manageable then Im happy. Long hair ticks me off, same with my beard. Short, neat and managable thats it. What I do have an issue with with a hair cut is the hairdresser being overly close, especially the groin region, there, in my mind, is no need for that to be pressed up against me. I shouldnt get more human contact from a hair cut than I do in normal life in the 6 weeks leading up to the cut.

Ive gotten used to the same with Doctors. I stick to the ones I know, its a regular thing that I have to have my pants down as I have bladder cancer, so its common that things are being checked out more often than I would like, its the same with procedures, rarely do the gowns fit so its multiple layers but 1/2 them come off for the procedure. Im not overly comfortable with the way I look. I am a very big guy, I have acne over my body and I get really bad boils, they scar badly and look terrible. I had an angiogram a day or two ago, the gown was miles too small and I had a boil on my stomach, it looked, I looked disgusting. So many medical things require me to have my clothes off and it is so embarrassing.

Then it comes to doctor/CT/MRI beds. I mean why, why, why do they have to be so small. Get on the bed, a little bit of an issue, roll over, its like a seal trying to move. Get off any of the beds is a challenge, at least with the GP beds, you can put your foot under the bed and use it as leverage to get up but CT/MRI there is nothing. Again, its like trying to get a seal to sit up. I hate the way I must look, the way I feel moving around, getting on and off the beds. The nurses/doctors must just be thinking in their head how fat I am, how ugly I look doing these tasks etc.

Im not a fan of people touching me, I mean I hug my sister occassionally but thats about it. Next that would regularly touch me is doctors and then hairdressers. Hairdressers make me really uncomfortable, its a stranger getting very close.

Im not a fan of being seen in general, I really dont like being seen with my top off or pants off in any situation. Im not even keen on shorts or swimming. My sister has offered to scrub my back in the shower to get acne off and Im not keen on that, that is way too intense for me. Im not really a fan of seeing others in states of undress, my sister will happily walk around without a top on, I make stupid comments but Id rather not see it. Mums not much different, happy to walk in to the bathroom while Im in it, I hate it and Ive told her. Overall I dont want to see other peoples bits and bobs and I dont like them to see mine.

@Oaktree

Essentially I have the means and a plan but not the intent. I dont want my sister to grow old alone, we are all each other has once Mum and Dad die. If she were married etc, I think it might be a different story.

Its hard, I dont want to feel like that but my life consists of working enough to pay for medical costs so i can work enough and around we go. There isnt really an upside to my life, no positives other than my sister

@ClockFace

I promise life does get better. I am glad that you don’t have the intent. That option is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You just have to stick in long enough for things to change.

When I was super depressed I thought it would never end! However, here I am having a really happy and settled time in my life. Suddenly everything is going well. It can happen for you too.

Sending you good vibes.

Meggle

Hello @ClockFace thanks for the tag. I sometimes follow your story but it's not so easy now you have two different threads both called Malens Babble.

It's tough feeling body shame. I'm glad you've found a barber you're comfortable with. I've had boils, usually when I've been very run down. Perhaps you could ask to have them lanced before they burst. I've had a couple of cysts dealt with at a skin cancer clinic... the dermatologist did a good job. These days I use a back brush to scrub my back in the shower. Maybe you could put a privacy latch on the bathroom door?

I feel for you and wonder "who takes care of the carer". You're doing an awesome job. It sounds as though your dad does his best too in his limited way, the security of a home being so important to all four of your family. It sounds as though a lot of childhood stuff has been resurfacing for you, when you're already stressed and vulnerable... I know that sort of timing. It's good you have an outlet here and maybe with your team.

Hope you enjoy your day.

Dimity

@Gillie @FloatingFeather @Former-Member @Former-Member @Owlunar @Historylover @ArraDreaming @Oaktree @justanotherguy @Dimity

For those who dont know I am on a considerable amount of pain medicatiion. I am on a pain patch changed weekly. I also take a lot of a very strong pain medicatiion. With this medication they are being very watchful of how much I use and I get basically enough to make it to my next appointment. Im given an allowance each day and if I use more that his thenI either dont use as much the next day to make it up or it comes out during my next appointmeent, which could affect me getting more or mean I get less and have to have more regular appointments.

Both my Mum and sister are on the same stuff but much lower dose. Mum has clearly rang out as she asked for a sleeve (10) of mine, at my dose thats a lotof medication and impossible for me to hide from my doctor tomorrow when I see him. I have asked for one or 2 before from my Mum but a full sleeve is a lot.

I told her to ring and try and get an urgent appointment for some more meds. But, she would have known a few days ago she was running out and needed an appointment to cover her. Its so common that she runs out and steals from someone else, though we are all moving to Webster Packs which is stopping that.

The big thing here, and this kinda confirms it, we all think Mum is overusing the prescribed pain medicatiion causing her to collasp and fall out of bed etcc. Why would I then give her more medcation to support this.

So Mum is mad with me, whats new. I cant just hand over the medication. She needs to start planning her meds ahead of tim. Even to the point of telling Dad she needs a script fillled a day or 2 before its due not just on closing time. The rest off us manage to maintain our medication needs, I have help though, the chemist I use manages all my scripts, if I need a new script some are provided by my doctor automaticlly, the rest they let me know what I need and I get a new script. Still up to me to organise an appointment and get a new one, but that can be as simple as a phone call and a escript. Thereis no reason Mum cant do the same. Then let Dad or I know and we will pick it up.

She may be in pain, but its a decision she has made. I need ar more medication than her, my pain is greater, Im on all this pain meds and still Im in pain so Im not willing to hand over pills and be out of them for myself.