Something I try to do is to not blame my feelings on others, I mean in the initial moments your going to react and generally in the direction of who or whatever caused the pain. The idea is for the pain to not to be all encompassing over the longer term. I try to forgive easily, I may lose trust, I mightpull away from the person. I dont always succeed in this. I mean Complex PTSD would indicate that I dont always manage it, though I was much younger when this formed. The people at the centre of this I am finding hard not to have issue with. Oddly, I have more issue with the teachers and my parents than I do the kids that actually did the actions. The kids, I mean they were young adults by the end, they should have known better, shouldnt have done what they did but the teachers should have protected me, they knew full well what was happening, they would have heard the rumors and seen it, they activily chose not to intervene. My parents however are my parents, I told them what was happening, they saw the bruises, they saw how miserable I was and how much pain I was in. They must have chosen not to take action, to push when told there was nothing that could be done, not to move me to a different school anything but they chose not to do anything or didnt try hard enough.
Im finding this incredibly hard to forgive and to not blame the pain Im in on my parents. Its not what I want but they seem to say and do things which drives the point in. Today dad said that he thinks being a support worker would be interesting, like taking people oout for lunch and taking with them. Thing is he cant even be bothered doing it with me, not taking me out for lunch, not talking to me about whats going on. He didnt even ask a thing about the Complex PTSD when I told him, not what did it mean, he knows what PTSD is (my sister has it) so he knows theres a cause, he didnt ask though. So yeah go be a father figure to others and ignore me.
I dont remember ever having a relationship with my Dad, when we were young Dad worked normal hours, but when he wasnt working he was renovating the house we lived in. Like the majority of the house found its way to the dump, theres a story of us watching the Simpsons and Dad getting up to go to the loo. Sometime later a big plume of dust came down the hallway. Dad had looked at my ceiling which was wavy and decided to pull it down. No concern for where I would sleep, my stuff anything. Chalked up to another dumb thing Dad did, feels more like not caring about me and my stuff.
As we got older Dad got promoted and would go to field days for work, he was away weeks of the year, when he was home he was back to working on the house, or building a new house and looking after land. There was always work that needed to be done and little time for me and my sister. So, its unsuprising that there is little relationship now. I thought we were building one when my sister was in hospital but now shes back thats gone, unless like today she had gone out so he talked with me, well more at me. His primary topic of conversation lately is Mum. He just needs to sack up and start saying no to her, actually do what everyone is telling him to do. They are now trying to find my sister somewhere else to live, Dad doesnt want it and we have all told him what he needs to do to stop it and still he resist.
We have been given the opportunity to get family councilling through a really good company for Me, my sister and Dad only. Dad says to me that now he doesnt understand what it will do. I mean we have been through it, a big part is to build boundries, things that protect my sister and Dad and I in turn. Dad doesnt want to have the fight, he doesnt want the confruntation, he just wants Mum to stop, my sister to stay and for me, I dunno, probably work and pay him back but he doesnt want to lift a finger in seeing that happen, it should just happen.
Mum and my relationship has always been a one way street, I get or give her stuff, she demands stuff. Coffee was a big thing growing up, she would get me to make every cup of coffee she wanted when I wasnt at school and it wasnt one or 2 it was tens of cups. Horrible international roast that we would buy in the largest tins possible. Ive spoken about Mum and me a fair bit but the thing that hurt me the most is she would take my sister on regular girls trips to a hotel in town just the two of them. Dad didnt do the same for me, we went away a few times, to a shack for fishing which neither of us could really do. Once we went on a fishing charter, I loved it, it happened once. Mum and my sister far more often. Not once did Mum think to take me instead and have a Mum and son weekend. I was Dads job, one he didnt really do well at. Either that or the idea of spending a weekend just Mum and I was too much for Mum.
My sister and I had a weird relationship, she was close to Mum and I didnt get an edge in there. We would talk, but we were very different. Growing up we were off and on. I thought she got on better with the girls at school, so figured she was protecting herself from the outcast. She wasnt getting on well they were cruel to her as well. Though it seems Mum felt for her more than me and comforted her. Until a few years ago they were really tight, Mum started to use my sister and now she has lost it over it but my sister and I have a far better relationship now but its a lot of give on my side.
Growing up I felt very alone and those feelings are coming back again. I mean I live in a family but Im quite isolated. I try to talk about issues and am ignored or its treated like its not a big deal. I talk about my.....anything more on here or on the Drop in Service. Its all about my sister, which I get given the situation but Dad's sole focus is on her, my issues just dont rate. Mum is hiding away in her room, she doesnt get involved with whats happening down with us, the few times she has its been about my sister again, I dont rate. It would be nice if how I was doing, how my suicidal ideation was taken at least a little seriously, given a little concern, not to mention all the other crap in my life. Dad thinks he has done his part in lending me the money to have surgery and taking me. Mum well Im lucky if she remembers. My sister cares for me as much as she can, as sick as she is she provides me the most emotional/psychological support out of everyone. Though with my back situation I feel like its wearing thin, Im walking better but Im still in pain, but I look like Im in less pain so I must be.
Like I said at the begining, I try not to blame others for my feelings but I am finding this really hard in this situation. Its just, I deal with an issue and something is said and it brings everything back up and it just accumulates so each time it just adds to it so I cant seem to deal with it long enough to no longer blame people. The Complex PTSD has opened old wounds, then comments being made are just making it flow heavily.
Something I try to do is to not blame my feelings on others, I mean in the initial moments your going to react and generally in the direction of who or whatever caused the pain. The idea is for the pain to not to be all encompassing over the longer term. I try to forgive easily, I may lose trust, I mightpull away from the person. I dont always succeed in this. I mean Complex PTSD would indicate that I dont always manage it, though I was much younger when this formed. The people at the centre of this I am finding hard not to have issue with. Oddly, I have more issue with the teachers and my parents than I do the kids that actually did the actions. The kids, I mean they were young adults by the end, they should have known better, shouldnt have done what they did but the teachers should have protected me, they knew full well what was happening, they would have heard the rumors and seen it, they activily chose not to intervene. My parents however are my parents, I told them what was happening, they saw the bruises, they saw how miserable I was and how much pain I was in. They must have chosen not to take action, to push when told there was nothing that could be done, not to move me to a different school anything but they chose not to do anything or didnt try hard enough.
Im finding this incredibly hard to forgive and to not blame the pain Im in on my parents. Its not what I want but they seem to say and do things which drives the point in. Today dad said that he thinks being a support worker would be interesting, like taking people oout for lunch and taking with them. Thing is he cant even be bothered doing it with me, not taking me out for lunch, not talking to me about whats going on. He didnt even ask a thing about the Complex PTSD when I told him, not what did it mean, he knows what PTSD is (my sister has it) so he knows theres a cause, he didnt ask though. So yeah go be a father figure to others and ignore me.
I dont remember ever having a relationship with my Dad, when we were young Dad worked normal hours, but when he wasnt working he was renovating the house we lived in. Like the majority of the house found its way to the dump, theres a story of us watching the Simpsons and Dad getting up to go to the loo. Sometime later a big plume of dust came down the hallway. Dad had looked at my ceiling which was wavy and decided to pull it down. No concern for where I would sleep, my stuff anything. Chalked up to another dumb thing Dad did, feels more like not caring about me and my stuff.
As we got older Dad got promoted and would go to field days for work, he was away weeks of the year, when he was home he was back to working on the house, or building a new house and looking after land. There was always work that needed to be done and little time for me and my sister. So, its unsuprising that there is little relationship now. I thought we were building one when my sister was in hospital but now shes back thats gone, unless like today she had gone out so he talked with me, well more at me. His primary topic of conversation lately is Mum. He just needs to sack up and start saying no to her, actually do what everyone is telling him to do. They are now trying to find my sister somewhere else to live, Dad doesnt want it and we have all told him what he needs to do to stop it and still he resist.
We have been given the opportunity to get family councilling through a really good company for Me, my sister and Dad only. Dad says to me that now he doesnt understand what it will do. I mean we have been through it, a big part is to build boundries, things that protect my sister and Dad and I in turn. Dad doesnt want to have the fight, he doesnt want the confruntation, he just wants Mum to stop, my sister to stay and for me, I dunno, probably work and pay him back but he doesnt want to lift a finger in seeing that happen, it should just happen.
Mum and my relationship has always been a one way street, I get or give her stuff, she demands stuff. Coffee was a big thing growing up, she would get me to make every cup of coffee she wanted when I wasnt at school and it wasnt one or 2 it was tens of cups. Horrible international roast that we would buy in the largest tins possible. Ive spoken about Mum and me a fair bit but the thing that hurt me the most is she would take my sister on regular girls trips to a hotel in town just the two of them. Dad didnt do the same for me, we went away a few times, to a shack for fishing which neither of us could really do. Once we went on a fishing charter, I loved it, it happened once. Mum and my sister far more often. Not once did Mum think to take me instead and have a Mum and son weekend. I was Dads job, one he didnt really do well at. Either that or the idea of spending a weekend just Mum and I was too much for Mum.
My sister and I had a weird relationship, she was close to Mum and I didnt get an edge in there. We would talk, but we were very different. Growing up we were off and on. I thought she got on better with the girls at school, so figured she was protecting herself from the outcast. She wasnt getting on well they were cruel to her as well. Though it seems Mum felt for her more than me and comforted her. Until a few years ago they were really tight, Mum started to use my sister and now she has lost it over it but my sister and I have a far better relationship now but its a lot of give on my side.
Growing up I felt very alone and those feelings are coming back again. I mean I live in a family but Im quite isolated. I try to talk about issues and am ignored or its treated like its not a big deal. I talk about my.....anything more on here or on the Drop in Service. Its all about my sister, which I get given the situation but Dad's sole focus is on her, my issues just dont rate. Mum is hiding away in her room, she doesnt get involved with whats happening down with us, the few times she has its been about my sister again, I dont rate. It would be nice if how I was doing, how my suicidal ideation was taken at least a little seriously, given a little concern, not to mention all the other crap in my life. Dad thinks he has done his part in lending me the money to have surgery and taking me. Mum well Im lucky if she remembers. My sister cares for me as much as she can, as sick as she is she provides me the most emotional/psychological support out of everyone. Though with my back situation I feel like its wearing thin, Im walking better but Im still in pain, but I look like Im in less pain so I must be.
Like I said at the begining, I try not to blame others for my feelings but I am finding this really hard in this situation. Its just, I deal with an issue and something is said and it brings everything back up and it just accumulates so each time it just adds to it so I cant seem to deal with it long enough to no longer blame people. The Complex PTSD has opened old wounds, then comments being made are just making it flow heavily.
