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Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Mar 2023, 7:22 am AEDT

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

562 replies

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In response to: Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor26 Apr 2023, 7:01 pm AEST

Dont know what to do

Ive touched on all of this before. I broke my CPAP mask last Friday which meant that I couldnt get a new mask until Monday. Tuesday night my sisters dog ate the new mask and my tube. I put in an order for a new mask and tube today as no where local sells the tube. The mask is cheaper online as well, I dont normally buy them online due to the delay. Not sleeping with your machine causes you to be sleepy during the day and in my case quite irritable. What I have also found is it steps up the drowsyness of my pain killers. Like I get 1 tablet down ok but after that I can get real drowsy real quick added to the sleepyness from not using the CPAP machine Im just a zombie for a good part of the day, worse than normal.

Tomorrow I have an angiogram so I can have one tablet to get there, wanted to get a hair cut, well I wanted to get a hair cut today but that got screwed over. But want to get a hair cut after the angio and am hoping my mask etc come in the morning so that one pain med is gonna have to last a good while if I want to do all that.

In response to: Dont know what to do

tymeModerator26 Apr 2023, 7:08 pm AEST

Re: Dont know what to do

Oh nooooo @ClockFace ! That's terrible! Grrrrrr. How frustrating that the dog chewed the mask!

In response to: Re: Dont know what to do

ClockFaceSenior Contributor26 Apr 2023, 7:19 pm AEST

When PTSD isnt PTSD

My sister has PTSD, Dad understands that makes meeting new people hard for my sister, very stressful/anxious which it does. He gets mad at Mum because she continues to put her in that position.

I just got diagnosed with Complex PTSD, its always been a struggle to meet new people etc yet tonight, while stoned (for a lack of a better word) out of my mind told me to look out for people coming to collect something, he knows about the diagnosis.

I dont understand why the difference in treatment

In response to: When PTSD isnt PTSD

ClockFaceSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 12:17 pm AEST

Angiogram

Just got back from driving down to have my Angiogram. My sister and I are sharing a car at the moment and she decided to take the car this morning early to do some shopping. I had to ring her and be like WTF. She said she'd be back by 8:30 which would get me there for my 9am appt. I wanted to leave at 7:45am due to expected traffic. So I made her come home which is good that I did because I literally walked into the appointment.

The scan seemed to go well, I felt really self concious though, for one the weight thing but two I have a great big infection from a couple boils that have merged into one. You wore one of those gown type things, just shirt sized, opened at the front, which they never have ones big enough for me. Then you have that damn table, so its in a CT machine and you have to get on and off the table. They're not wide enough, I normally will grip under the table on medical ones with my foot to get up but you cant on them. So you do the fat walrus dance getting down and up all the time trying to avoid the canular so as not to damage that. The whole process was very embarrassing and sadly I will be in a similar situation again at some point soon.

By the time I got to the hospital I was in a fair bit of pain, the nurse questioned me as I was short of breath, which is due to pain and trying to walk a distance to where the scan was done. I had to wait for a bit after the procedure so I went to pay and my Cardiologist had organised for it to be bulk billed. Its like $900 upfront with a $650ish rebate so that was really nice of him and really helpful.

After the appointment I had planned to go to the barber and finally get my hair cut, I drove past and the line up was pretty long, with the way I was feeling at that point a short line would have been hard, a long one, not a chance. Will have a crack at getting it done tomorrow morning.

Ive been home for like an hour and a half and Im still in a crap load of pain, Ive had another round of pain medication it doesnt seem to be doing anything. Im putting off lunch etc due to the pain, I dont feel like I can do anything, like I cant function. Its not a huge trip but the after affect is amazing

In response to: Angiogram

ClockFaceSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 1:41 pm AEST

Unplanned/Unwanted

This whole Complex PTSD diagnosis stuff about my childhood keeps coming up. When I was quite young Mum made sure that I was aware that I was unplanned, but my sister was planned. She made sure to ensure I understood that that didnt mean I wasnt wanted. Why would you tell your child at any age but when young, developing mentally and getting bullied at school that he wasnt planned, what relevance would that have on his life, other to make him feel unwanted, an inconvinience. All while reiterating to his sister that she was planned, wanted etc.

If we were treated equally it might be different but there were difference my sister was let go to entertain guests where as I was making their coffees etc.

I havent had a great relatiionship with my Mum for years but I am really building significant resentment to her. Dad might not have always been around but he should have been pulling Mum into line or at least protecting me, I am his son and he has never protects me from my Mum or anyone else.

In response to: Unplanned/Unwanted

ClockFaceSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 2:44 pm AEST

Leave me alone

You guys know the story, my masks have been destroyed so I cant use my machine. So on top of being drowsy as hell from pain killers, Im not getting anything like quality sleep which is just pushing me over the edge on the sleep side of thing and i just want to be left alone by my family. Someone was coming to pick stuff up and Dad lands it on me, just as I was about to say Im going to bed. Now Mum wants me to bring down one of the dogs. Seriously just let me go to bed.

EDIT

Actually happened. Im again about to get up to go to bed and the insurance team doing my return to work rings to do the introductry call. I started tying to go to bed at 1pm, its now 3:30pm. I give up. The family will just have to deal with grumpy as shit me

In response to: Leave me alone

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Apr 2023, 1:29 pm AEST

Depression - The beast rises

Depression is horrible, its a lack of all positive emotion, a lack of a positive outlook a lack of anything positive in your life, an overwhelming hopelessness, a darkness that seems never ending. Thats how I feel at the moment. My life is bleak. Im on as much pain medication as I can stand and yet still in pain, I cant live anything resembing a normal life. Just driving to an appointment takes it out of me for the day, let alone helping around the house, feeding the dogs etc. I feel like I have to budget how much pain I am in for what I need to do. I need a hair cut, and that is a half day to full day event, depending on how long the wait is. All up its probably an hour or so but the toll it takes means I cant do anything more for the day. Event writing on the forum has a toll, its mentally straining and I have very regular breaks where I shut my eyes for a few minutes because im tired.

Im constantly tired, even more so now that I cant use my CPAP. Its like not sleeping at all, all I want to do is sleep but there is little point in it. This is compounded by the desire to sleep more that I get with my depresssion and the fact that I cant sleep though the night. Up and down most the night, I go to sleep at the same time roughly but I get up at all hours, some nights I sleep on and off until 7, some nights I have given up by 3am out of frustration. Im then expected to put in a full day, not so much at the moment but normally I am just expected to function as if I have slept well like a normal person.

Im continually having to talk to random people about my mental health, people I dont know but have titles like psychiatrist and psychologist, rehab coordinator, support person etc. Im expected to open up to them about stuff I havent even worked through, that I dont understand. I had the Rehab coordinator from my income protection insurance people ring today and I had to talk to her about my mental issues, whats going on, the recent addition of complex PTSD, I didnt go into what it was in relation to but still. Then having to talk to them about my spinal issues, which is a touchy subject. I fully expected that I would be out of pain not in more and not back not knowing what was wrong and if it can be treated. I mean what happens if this is it, this is as good as it gets, am I in pain for the rest of my life? I mean as far as I can tell its a real possability.

I keep thinking about my childhood, the stuff at school and the stuff at home. There was so much abuse and neglignace. Teachers didnt protect me, my parents didnt protect me, to the point I stopped talking to them about it. At home one parent abused and the other turned a blind eye. Oddly my sister is starting to realise the same for her. I write this on here because its the only place I can vocalise it, if either parent found out it would be a huge issue. I trust my family so little that not only is my tablet fingerprint protected but most my apps, particularly the ones I write my posts on and it is all locked down everytime I walk away from the tablet, even if my Dad sits down next to me. My phone is similar but never just left anywhere, its always in arms reach. I simply dont trust them not to snoop on what I am doing. Actually I dont trust them in general, I talk to them but Im guarded when I do. There is always an alternative motive, words are twisted and used against you, often its just information gathering for someone else, even my pain is used against me and judged as is my mental health.

Ive spent months dealing with the medical and psychological sides of my sisters treatment and been worn out in the process, to the point my mental health has significantly suffered, I was lucky in some ways that my back had the issues that it has had because it made me to take a step back and forced Dad to step up. Im still somewhat involved in my sisters psychological aspects but she has a lot more supports around her now.

I found out a few days ago that I have been put down as the second for my Mums NDIS application and sister and Dad have been on at me to ring and find out where things are at. So now I have to be involved in my Mums stuff and my Mum just doesnt do what she needs to. Its going to be a shit show and if she doesnt hurray up she will be too old for the NDIS.

I really dont know how much more I can cope of this emptiness I feel, the hollowness, like I am an empty egg shell that just the slightest pressure will cause it to break. Im so sick of feeling so fragile, alone and shrouded in darkness. I feel like I have some monster following me everywhere I go, just ready to attack and take away any resemblence of joy that might arise and another that just turns everything into shit or worsens the situation.

Depresssion is a horrible beast. You can only hope to survive it with as many limbs, fingers and toes in tact at the end as possible. Worse still, you survive it all the while knowing that it is only just around the corner waiting for another opportunity to attack

In response to: Depression - The beast rises

FloatingFeatherSenior Contributor28 Apr 2023, 3:46 pm AEST

Re: Depression - The beast rises

Depression is horrible @ClockFace - I have been down that rabbit hole and it's a really tough place to be. That feeling of wondering if you are going to feel this way forever, is this is good as it will get? It's exhausting, lonely and disheartening. I really feel for you - through everything you have been through and what you are going through. I just want to let you know that there is hope - depression isn't a stop sign, more like a give way sign. I was in a really hard place but with time (slowly but surely) things did start to get better. Not always great but better enough so that I started to feel like my old self again.

I am glad you have the forums to share your truths without fear or concern (having your parents know what you are discussing). It's sad that you can't share your true feelings with your family (I think that might be the case for a lot of people) so I am glad you feel safe and supported here.

Warmest wishes and I really do with you start to feel better soon.

FloatingFeather

In response to: Re: Depression - The beast rises

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Apr 2023, 5:36 pm AEST

Trust

Trust is important, its hard to earn from me. I dont trust anyone on face value, which makes psych/GP etc things really difficult. I mean there is an implied trust due to their professions, so I am willing to open up more initially than I would just anyone. But it takes a long time for me to build up a level of trust to actually be open with them. Recently, I have had a few one off Psychiatrist appointments, which meant the get to trust you period is bypassed, it was really hard and I dont think that I was able to project my thoughts and feelings well. I wonder how well the diagnosis was made etc. Not just because of that but because it was rushed and looking back I feel like I was led down a particular path. I dont dispute the diagnosis, it makes sense, Im just concerned that there may be additional diagnosis but not enough time to explore them, additionally I have a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 with psychotic features, I wondered if this was actually schitzoaffective disorder and that wasnt answered. In fact I think there is consideration I have neither but I dont feel it was explained where the psychotic features originate from. Im going to be interested to read the report and start seeing a regular psychiatrist who hopefully will be able to review and confirm/improve/add to my diagnosis.

What has really hit me is that I dont trust my family. My Mum for pretty obvious reasons but her and my sister have a tendancy to discuss what I or my Dad have said or our positions on things and determine if they are right or wrong, without giving us an opportunity to defend our position etc. I always hated that as they would read into things, and it was always the worst things read into it not what might be positive, they would make a ruling and you just had to abide by the ruling. Sometimes Dad would get dragged into it about me. For a long time I was right into the process of making a coffee, it was my thing, I spent good money on it but it calmed me down. Then Mum started wanting them, and often. It became a chore and despite my yelling and screaming that it not become that, it did and I ended up hating making coffee, Mum ruined it for me. My sister asked if she had a hand in it, she was trying to encourage me to take it back up, and I said she did. She was on at me about it not being a big deal to make Mum a coffee, Dad was pulled in on Mum/Sister side

My sister cant be trusted with her medication, I have to deal with that for her now. You cant trust that she will not find a way to take her life. She will twist words to suit her agenda.

Dad, I trust a bit more but he has a tendancy to mess up what you say and agree with the least path of resistance, which generally means agreeing with Mum and/or my sister regardless of what is right. We just talked about the coffee thing and he said it was just easier, rather than protect me and what I needed for my well being he chose what was easier.

My view on people is in general that they suck, they are after their own agenda above all else. People at work are the worst for it, they are generally trying advance their career and generally have no issue throwing so called friends under the bus if it helps further their agenda. In my experience people are not trustworthy, they have to earn it and even then you should be careful what you let them in on.

I have a friend of over 30 years who I still dont fully trust, I wouldnt tell half the stuff I tell on here. But is the person I would most likely talk to about stuff outside of professionals.

I dont think Im trusted by my family either, they dont tend to believe what I say about my pain, how sick I am etc. Even if I tell them what doctors say, needing surgeries etc Im never to be believed as to my medical situations or my finances. I can tell them what I am spending money on, how much my medical costs are and its still about me wasting money, spending too much on smokes (I agree) and drinks (non-alcoholic)

Thing is I am very trustworthy, I forget 1/2 of what is said, I wouldnt repeat for fear of messing it up, and I haave no friends to tell anyhow.

This is the thing I like about the forum, people know me by the name I decide. It doesnt link to my real name. To the best of my knowledge no one know anyone I know on here. No one will bump into me down the street and hey I know you from. Its totally private and I can talk about what I want with no misinterpretations, what I say is written black and white. Maybe if I wrote what I was sayinig IRL knowing there could be no twisting or misinterpretations I would do bettter

In response to: Trust

tymeModerator28 Apr 2023, 6:14 pm AEST

Re: Trust

Thanks for your post @ClockFace ,

It's so true that anonymity can be so helpful when being on these forums. I found that was the case for myself too.

When I was a regular forum member, I was able to post things I would never day in real life because of the people I move around. Working in the highly accomplished corporate world, MH was frowned upon and seen as a weakness. I was even told by the director not to speak to people about it - this hurt me so much.

Hence, I turned to the forums. It has been the best thing ever.

I know some people cringe at the anonymity guideline...but I just think maybe these forums are not for them and they should look at other social media platforms.

I'm happy to read that we are on the same page for this one 🙂

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