Malens Babble

@Jynx

Cause my sister has just gotten out of hospital from a suicide attempt Im lothed to go to her for support. She would be the only one with the mental understanding to be able to help but it wouldnt be fair to ask

My mask broke late last week and I had to wait for a new one on Monday when the CPAP supply store opened. I got one night out of it and my sisters dog got into my room and ate the god damn thing. They are $260 each so not exactly cheap things. A few nights earlier it ate my thongs. I hope my sister realises shes paying for a new mask, Im not forking over another $260 for her dog because she likes them to sleep up with her. While she was in hospital all the dogs slept in the kitchen no problem.

So another shitty sleep, its not like you're getting real sleep without the mask, thats why you have one.

Now I have to go down to the major town and buy another mask, whereas I was planning on going to get a hair cut and potentially buy new thongs because no one has bothered, no matter how many times they said they would, find my thongs from Christmas (we still havent celebrated Christmas etc) or buy another pair for me. I cant wear shoes, I cant bend so Im wearing slippers which in this weather is uncomfortable.

My back is insanly sore today already, I dont know if it has anything to do with the no mask thing, less rest more pain. I dunno but Im pretty ticked off about it. Now I have a number of trips to do with a really bad back. I want to get my hair done. Turns out they cant find my thongs so I got to buy them and now to get a new mask, actually new mask and new tube because the damn thing has eaten through that.

Man Im furious. Im not paying for it but still I got to organise it all and collect it

Im beyond frustrated this morning. The hose my machine is specifically made for my machine, so I dont know that I am going to be able to get it locally, which means ordering it in. I can order express but that means at least another night without my machine. Which I kinda need, its a medical device and I use it for a reason. My sister did say she will go and buy everything so there wasnt an argument there.

My skin and hair is irritating the shit out of me, it all itchy and annoying. Im really keen to have a hair cut today. The thong saga continues, now my sister is going to look, finally. Though my Dad has looked. Think Im just going to go buy a pair and be done with it.

Turns out my sister has made plans for the car, she assures me she told me all about it. Bloody buy swap sell crap. Im so sick of this shit. Just stop, no more for Mum and no more for her. There is enough crap in this house, she has enough clothes, just enough. I asked Dad if I could borrow his car and that was a no, he has plans later. Seriously, all I want to do is have a God Damn hair cut, Im actually feeling up to it today, its frustrating the shit out of me

I got asked last night if I thought my sister was the same as Mum I told her there were some similar traits, putting buy swap sell ahead of everything is certainly one.

I know part of my frustration is the whole CPAP thing, not wearing it affects you greatly, its like not sleeping for days at a time, irritability, tiredness, if it goes on for a long time you fall asleep randomly etc. Ive not gone without my machine for more than a night for over 20 years so not enjoying.

I normally go in and go shopping for drinks and smokes early morning, but as I was planning to go get my hair cut I put it off so now I am having to ask my sister to get it as by the time she gets home I wont be able to drive as Ill be too drowsy. The painkillers in addition to no CPAP really mess me up

Turns out the local CPAP store doesnt stock the hose I need so I have to order it, along with the mask (figure get from ssame place). Ive got it getting sent express so hopefully I will get it tomorrow latest Friday, but it does mean more time without the CPAP so Im just gonna get more messed up.

If its not one thing its another at the moment and I have well and truely had enough, I cant cope with this shit anymore.

Its a bit of an odd one but I have a big fear of being arrested. Like, I havent done anything wrong to be arrested. But the whole process scares the shit out of me. Im not visually disabled but I have major spinal issues. Im also a big guy so would they take into account that putting my arms behind my back would cause significant pain, especially long term and cuff me at the front? Would they double cuff me if it were behind to help minimise the pain. I wouldnt resist, not in my sound mind, but what if they tackled me etc.

I have had a couple run ins with the law, one speeding and one tailgating in person, more on camera. Not proud of it but young and reckless. The thing is each in person experience I have totally freaked out, I shake head to toe, Im super nervous around cops, even if they arent pulling me over, they could be walking down the street toward me or from behind and I am freaking out. I havent had good experience with people in authority, my Mum wasnt ideal and teachers at school, they have never seemed to he out for my best interest, its been the opposite.

I think thats where my fear about what would happen, I expect cops to be as forceful as they can and to make no allowances for my disabilities.

Ive been watching Facebook watch a fair bit and videos of "Karens" come up alot. While there is much about "Karen's" I dont understand its the making a public spectical of themselves, like yelling etc publically. I can barely do that in the confines of home, Im not quiet but I speak calmly most the time. I rarely raise my voice, I will if pushed, generally a Mum thing but in public, I dont yell and scream at employees or other customers. If I need to complain I do so calmly. I dont go around screaming at people driving. I mean I might in my car but not at the person. Of late I have found the horn, but only in the instance of avoidinig accidents etc

I just dont get how people have the.....confidence to make a public specticle. Even dancing around or being jovial with friends/girlfriend etc. I dont dont get that. I couldnt do that. Im not up tight, I would say I am overly calm and there is a way to act in public, prob a childhood thing. Even as kids there was a way to act in every scenario that we learned early on and you didnt step out of line. Mum had no problem smaking you in public and there was the whole counting to 5 on her hand, reach the whole 5 and she would stop what she was doing come down and hit you and go back to what she was doing.

Thats one thing about being kids we learnt how we could act in every situation, it was reinforced by violence or the threat of violence. We learnt how to have a formal meal, no idea why but like a proper full on formal meal. We learnt essentially to fend for ourselves early on, making lunch for ourselves early on.

It was a little different for my sister, she was much more energetic and willing to push the boundries. She would dig a hole, put black plastic down and make a pool, covered in crap, while I was inside playing with Lego or studying. Life events have changed my sister and reinforced my childhood ways

Once again, one of the few things my Dad has said to me today was "when are you going back to work?"

I dont know if he is watching the same life unfold. But I just got diagnosed with Complex PTSD, my spinal surgery revealed another spinal issue, yet to be diagnosed, which is more painful than the original. This on top of all the existing stuff. Added to that he is asking when I havent been able to consistantly use my CPAP machine for nearly a week, he's on one so he knows what its like.

Its not really up to me when I go back to work or how many hours i return for, thats the GP's call. The psychiatrist has said she wont stand in the way but we have to wait for her report before we can do anything. In addition to that she will have to take into account the amount of pain medication I am taking, the mornings are about all I get before I get all drowsy and will have to take into account medical appointments Im going to have to have, again primarily in the morning so I am coherant for them.

So when am I going back to work? When my GP says its the right time for the right number of hours. When do I want to go back to work? Today but I probably wouldnt have a job for long

While my sister was in hospital Dad and I would talk, not always about her just about crap. Be the most my Dad and I have spoken on a general level pretty well ever. It was nice, kinda feeling like we were getting closer, that things might have changed a bit.

Well I just realised that my Dad has pretty much stopped talking to me other than random one liners and BS. We've gone back to our old way of communicating which really sucks. Ive tried to initiate conversation and its just brushed away.

Do you think this is learnt behaviour of your dad's? @ClockFace - I mean, in order to survive the relationships, there has had to be limited conversation?

@tyme

Im really not sure. Its like he only has the emotional capacity to engage with one of us at a time. Generally thats my sister. Shes the favourite for both Mum and Dad. Her and Mum were really close but Mum messed that up, she hasnt caught up on that though. With Dad shes her little girl. Im just supposed to be a man you know except when my sister is away

That's so tough. Do you think they are aware they are doing this? I mean, as parents, sometimes they don't even realise they are playing favourites until someone points it out.

But in a way, I'm glad you have found the forums to be able to share what's happening for you @ClockFace