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ClockFaceSenior Contributor
I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.
Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.
In response to: Malens Babble
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
Today is being very shitty.
Im really sick of being drowsy so much. Normally, I get drowsy late afternoon, which means I can potentially return to work on reduced hours once I get the ok from the Psychiatrist, who was ok with returning to work on reduced hours. Today I am wildly drowsy and its only 1pm but Im still in pain. Its not fair and its like early days. At this stage I have months of this. And I want to add work to this, I just dont know, dont get me wrong I really want to work, even if its 2 hours a day, I just dont know if I can actually do it. Added to that all the time off for appointments Ill need.
I was just asked to list a few things that were positive about myself on Beyond Blue and I seriously cant think of a single redeeming feature about myself. I was helping my sister but Ive failed with that, I cant help around the house and I need people to do simple stuff for me because Im either in too much pain or Im too off my face to do much. I mean even this is a strain and I intend to go to bed after it to sleep off this feeling because its so bad today.
After yesterdays Psychiatrist appointment all I can abouut is my childhood and while I realised school was really bad, I realise just how terrible home was and still is. My Mum was shit, I didnt feel safe anywhere, I was anxious whereever I went.
For some reason my Mum is allowed to smoke inside and I have to smoke outside. My sister has come home and for some unknown reason, she is allowed to smoke inside as well.
Everyone keeps asking how my sister is, understandably but despite being in pain, being all drowsy, having told him that I want out too, he nor Mum (Not that I truly exect she would) have asked how I am, like not in passing or in a serious way
My sister's constant noise is doing my head in, I got my headphones down now, hopefully that will help
Im so sick of being depressed, I know that plays a huge role in everything
My CPAP mask broke overnight so I need to get aa new one of them, not cheap
I know Im doing a fair bit of winging at the moment Im sure at some point it will stop, if your stilll keeping up with my bullshit welldone and thankyou
In response to: Shitty Day
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
So I broke my CPAP mask last night, what I wear to treat Sleep Apnea, blows air up my nose all night. Been on my CPAP since my mid 20's, never broken a mask. Anyhow I have to replace it but its the weekend so I have to wait until Monday. I honestly dont know how this will affect me as Ive not not worn it for that long since getting it. The masks arent cheap a few hundred dollars each, machines have come down a lot, my most recent one was only $1299. Hoses are expensive now, like $100. Thankfully my private health covers part of the costs of all, most in the case of the machine itself.
As I say Monday I will need to go down and get a new mask, I said about it to my sister who pipes up saying couldnt Dad do it as he needed to go down for a filter for his machine, he would actually need to do this online I would think as like mine, it was bought online. Anyhow, turns out all this actually revolves around her wanting to go to a shop nearby and if I urgently needed a mask Dad would have to go down Monday and she would get to go to the shop sooner.
Im planning on going down on Monday regardless, its too important not to. I wont be taking my sister, its too much on my back to sit in the car while she shops and even more so if she wants me to come with her.
My sister cant drive far, she can manage local driving but thats it. I can manage driving in the morning, I can drive distance but its typically the seating I get where I go that causes the majority of the pain. I also cant walk far or stand for long. I am pretty restricted but driving, cause Im seated is okish. So I need to deal with me and my Dad with my sister and thats the end of it.
My sister asked me to pick her off after my Psychiatrist appointment, no biggie by then she wanted me to take her to the shop. I waited in the car for like 20min which was to much. Im going to have to be far more careful what I allow. If Im going somewhere then that will have to be it, if she needs a ride for a one off place I can but multiple or long its going to have to be Dad.
As much as I try to be helpful I am finding there is less and less I am capable of actually doing its really frustrating even more so when people are not understandinig
In response to: Broken CPAP
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
Im feeling very lost today, I dont understand this complex PTSD thing other than its multiple events. Like how has it affected my life, what attributes of who am I relate to it, relate to Bipolar, relate to Anxiety, releate to Depression and what has been corrupted by chronic pain. Whats left that relates to me being just me or am I just a collective of Mental Health Disorders and pain issues.
How is it all going to be treated and at the end of the treatment who am I going to be, is it too late for me to be reinvented and is that reinvented me any better than the crap show of a person I am now.
Seriously, how much of me is going to be identified as corrupted by Mental Health/Pain and what does that leave of me that isnt and remains as me. Who am I is the big question, a walking talking collection of Mental Health/Pain issues? Am I really a man. Is this why I have little 'mascalinity' but not overly 'feminin' I just sort of exist.
Clearly my mind is stuck on my own identitity and Im feeling very lost and unnsure of who I am outside of my mental health/pain, is that all I am?
In response to: Lost
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
My sister keeps asking if Im ok, Im seriously not but how do I talk to her about how shit I feel when she has just got home from a mental health facility after her second attempt at taking her life, shes not the person to be confiding in. Dad has just taken it in stride like I told him I like apples. I dont think Ive even told Mum, though she hasnt asked how it went so why the fuck would I tell her shit.
You can see why I come to SANE and ring support services, I literally have no one to talk to about how I feel. At the moment, thankfully, I think, because Im not able to use my CPAP mask the pain killers are affecting me more on the drowsy side so I am sleeping 4 hrs at a time and then up for about the same. 4hrs awake is about as much as I can handle at the moment, I didnt think it was possible but my depression has gotten worse. Im teary alot which I think I am hiding from my sister.
I just got a couple messages from a close family friend that was aware of my sisters situation but seemed completely unaware of my spinal surgery and it revealing a bigger problem, that apparently isnt on my Mums radar when asked how I am.
Dad doesnt seem to care or get it. He gets told Im suicidal and doesnt question anything (I wont because I dont want my sister to grow old alone). I tell him that I got diagnosed with Complex PTSD, he knows what PTSD is my sister has it, and not a single follow up question, no question about am I ok. There was nothing.
Mum doesnt seem interested at all, if she does hear about something in my realm if health its played down, like nothing going on is as bad as I make it out to be. Though I told her this a minute ago and she asked why they thought that and I told her school and so far no argument
In response to: How do I explain
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
This taking medication and getting drowsy then sleeping and repeat is messing up my sleep. I went to bed at 10pm and woke at 12pm. Its now a bit after 2 and Im still quite awake. I just drove into town for smokes and drinks. I was just thinking that I could take an old medication I used to be on now that the med I was taking to replace it has been stopped. That might help me get some sleep, will certainly slow my head down. Gonna give it a go.
While sleeping off the medication is part of it, my mind is racing. The whole Complex PTSD thing on top of everything else going on is the final straw, I cant cope with anything more than this, I cant cope with this, its just too much. There're too many things going wrong all at once, it just needs to stop now.
In response to: Awake
WennaSenior Contributor
In response to: Re: Awake
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
What a weird day. Im glad I didnt have anything on. I spent most my day outside at the table smoking and falling asleep. I just couldnt keep my eyes open. It was a rough night the night before and I havent been able to use my CPAP machine which screws with me.
I was going to go down today and get a new mask but as I was so sleepy Dad went down for me. The moment he got back I finished having a smoke and organised myself and went had a sleep. Got 4 hours sleep and feel a lot better, but pretty keen to go back to bed after my meds.
My sister did some shopping for me today as getting into the shops and around them is really hard and painful. She did let me know that she was planning on not taking her meds that I give her and storing them until she had enough to have another go again, so now I have to watch her take her meds. Which doesnt thrill me as she can be frustrating with that sorta stuff, she did however hand me some more meds of hers that she had found.
Im pretty well ready for meds and bed which is BS because thats all Ive done today
In response to: Sleepy
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
In response to: Random Thoughts
ClockFaceSenior Contributor
@tyme @FloatingFeather @Bow @justanotherguy
How is everyone doing? Just checkin in
In response to: Random Thoughts
JynxModerator
Hey @ClockFace - you're really going through a lot hey?
I'm sorry to hear that your family has been really unsupportive with your new diagnosis. It always takes time to be able to process that kind of information and so sometimes I think if folks around us are acting 'business as usual' it can feel really jarring.
Could you ask your sister directly for some support? Or at least let her know that you feel you could really use it right now.
Hope you're taking it slow, one step at a time you know? And we're here to support you along the way too 💜
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
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