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Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Mar 2023, 7:22 am AEDT

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

562 replies

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In response to: Malens Babble

hanamiSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 12:01 pm AEST

Re: Teary

It's soooo understandable @ClockFace you just wish for one day that things would go right for you. You are doing all you can to aid that but it just doesn't seem to want to happen.

I really hope things pick up and you can have some better days soon.

Hanami

In response to: Re: Teary

ClockFaceSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 12:12 pm AEST

Re: Teary

@hanami

What does hanami mean please? Just curious, is a nice handle

In response to: Re: Teary

hanamiSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 12:19 pm AEST

Re: Teary

Hi @ClockFace

It means cherry blossom viewing in Japanese! I have a love for Japan and cherry blossoms and love they have a word just for the viewing of the cherry blossom. That's where it comes from! 🇯🇵

In response to: Re: Teary

ClockFaceSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 12:57 pm AEST

Re: Teary

@hanami

Thats awesome. I love Cherry Blossoms as well. Such a Japanese thing to have a name for viewing them. Japan is great. Be a place Id like to visit one day but Id probably want to slim down a bit its not really an Overweight friendly place. The culture is awesome though and there seems to be a sub-group for every style.

In response to: Re: Teary

hanamiSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 1:07 pm AEST

Re: Teary

@ClockFace it is so typical to have a name for it, hey! I love some of the things they have words for. They have a word for buying too many books, a word for getting calm from walking in a forest...they are the two that spring to mind. I've been to Japan twice. I know what you mean about being for slim people. My husband is by no means overweight but has broad shoulders and a solid chest. Our Japanese friends (who we stayed with for a while over there) kept blaming him when we would all get into a lift and the weight went over the limit! They did it in good humour and my husband has thick skin but a sensitive person may have reacted otherwise. They won't hesitate to tell you that you've gained weight! It's a bit of an eye-opener. Besides the weight thing, they are super polite and respectful and ever so nice. The culture is so fun to explore. From the modern to the traditional to the downright wacky!

Interesting too (back to your point about weight) many Japanese are not as slim as they used to be with the influence of Western ways such as takeaway places!

Travel is a great goal to have even if you might not make it to the place. I love planning a trip, it definitely makes you feel good. Especially if the place has s different language. I love exploring the way other cultures use words.

Hanami

In response to: Re: Teary

ClockFaceSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 2:13 pm AEST

Very frank venting. I needed this

I know Ive written similar before but Im having a day, well a lot of them but today seems to bea particularly intense one.

Im really struggling with the depression today. Yesterday at the MH centre has really stirred me up. Like I knew what was said already, Ive spoken about most of it here and/or on the phone but hashing it all out, clarifying things, actually discussing it, it has just made it so much more real.

The shit at home, Mum sleeping most the day, not leaving her room, not participating in the house or family in any way other to command us to do stuff for her. Having to semi-manage the house, making sure Dad does what he needs to inside rather than being outside all day. Phone calls fom my sister dealing with her issues, visiting her, dealing with her doctors, dealing with her in general. Then you have me, dealing with pain, trying to have surgery to get rid of the pain (that took 3 attempts) but have the surgery and wam hit with a lesion on a nerve equals more pain, though no one seems to know how to deal with it. Got to deal with bladder cancer, have a check not enough time left for gel to numb the area and unbelievable pain so got to change Urologists, shit happens and that gets postponed until I start blood in my pee and doctors go a bit into overdrive so new Urologist, but its a wait until 22 May. Try to get a psychiatrist and it takes over 2 weeks for the referral to even be accepted to be triaged. My psychologist turns out to be useless. My sister trys to off herself, I find her and over months later its still got me messed up. I did see a one off Psychiatrist a little while ago, few changes to meds gave me a bunch of medication to deal with anxiety and changed one med for another, the new med tastes amazingly aweful and you cant drink or eat for 10min after it so thats awesome and triggered a my meds are poision so Im not taking them fight nightly. They are now checking my heart for a blockage, so I got to spend $900 on a test, Ill get a lot back but I have to have the money up front. Im on unpaid leave so Dad is paying my way, which hes not terribly happy about. Still waiting on my insurance to be approved so I cant really pay my own way, even if I could Id be relying on Dad for surgeries and big tests. God damn the bladder cancer has be wetting myself so I am on meds to manage that. The pain means Im not able to do my chores so Dads having to do them on top of everything else and part of the time he has to drive me places cause its to far for me.

I cant shower reqularly, unless roughtly weekly I do it. I dont change my clothes, not even for bed so I can go days to a week in the same cloths day in day out. I fight to eat lunch, I dont bother with breakfast anymore. Ill eat tea cause one of my meds needs a certain amount of food to be eaten with it, so I fight to have poison meds, then fight to eat tea. but give me shit, chocolate, chips etc, not a problem. I dont sleep properly, few hours sleep, few hours awake, few hours sleep, every damn night. So Im constantly tired. Im overweight, like a lot over weight, my family mock me for this. Im on 3 anti-psychotics which doesnt help.

Im in debt to my eyeballs, most of it is from hypomanic spending, which of course is BS to my parents, they have helped me out heaps but it comes with a bill. Going and seeing my sister in early days I was working and going down, my income didnt stretch that far so I borrowed money from my sister, didnt help she wanted maccas every trip as well. Keep in mind all the trips were about an hour away down the freeway. Then Im further in debt with my Dad cause of the whole no working thing and trying to care for my sister (while dealing with my own MH issues). I was smoking a fair bit but thats now like really heavy trying to deal with the stress. I was abused at school, like beaten most days which has had a lasting affect on me. I have a reasonably good job and my parents seem to belive I should be able to do better with this, they dont seem to get the amount of money I spend on medical costs, yes I get lower the smoking and Id have more money but some days thats what gets me through the day. They treat me like a failure, I live with them and my sister due to my illness and disability its ok for my sister but not for me. I should have a family (I dont want one). I should be able to do things I cant because of my disability and MH, especially MH. I cant do stuff at different times because of anxiety and thats an issue, just one example. Lastly I dont feel like a man, primarily due to the above. I cant go outside and help Dad with manual labour. I cant build shit. I cant do so much that a man should be able to do (our family dynamic). So I am tied to the inside tasks, which Dad sees as female stuff. I dont care Im helping

So yeah, Im depressed, really depressed. I dont know how to deal with, cope with all the above. More than cope I need answers, I need someone to come along and say this is what we need to do, do this do that. Not breath, not have a sensory basket. They help for a moment, and Im not knocking them they have their place but a lot of my issues need an answer. I need to know how to keep paying my medical bills without running up more debt for instance. Hell, I dont even have a car, Im driving my Mums, how do I get the money toogether to pay for a car.

I know this has just been a rant, but I kinda just wanted to get it off my chest, like all of it or at least most of it. I still feel like horse shit, a complete and utter failure with no purpose being here. I still think old grim reaper should make his way to me next and in a hurry. But I do feel a bit better than before I wrote this

In response to: Very frank venting. I needed this

FloatingFeatherSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 3:41 pm AEST

Re: Very frank venting. I needed this

I think you have every right to rant @ClockFace and I do hope that it helps you - even just a little. I really hope that the stars align for you and nothing but good luck favours you from now on. Like anyone - you deserve good health, peace and happiness and I hope it finds you soon.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

In response to: Re: Very frank venting. I needed this

ClockFaceSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 4:45 pm AEST

Shit Sandwich

So to make the shit sandwich complete my specialist still hasnt rung so I went to my appointment and the doctor was a locum so she wasnt even sure she could prescribe anything when I was there, I was about ready to lose my shit when she said that. She works out a way she can prescribe 10 (I wish I could say what) but high strength pain killers. I actually said I didnt want that, I wanted something that would deal with nerve pain and not make me drowsy but no thats all I get. Back on this 1/2 decent pain med thats addictive and has shit side affects, mainly it makes me drowsy and mean even if it did lower the pain sufficently for me to be useful id be so drowsy Im not.

The specialist just rang, well his secretary as he is in surgery, he wants to see me and they have opened up an appointment on the freaking 24/4. I have to wait nearly a fortnight to get anything more than the high strength pain killer.

FFS, its out of character and Im promise Im not a risk but when I was handed the prescription I was just like screw it, I had a plan and resources. It was a brief lapse but I really understood my sister for a moment. I would never tell my family I couldnt. I hope this post doesnt breach anything because this is the only place I feel I can say that.

PS I just got another call from the receptionist. I had a teleconferance booked with the specialist, theyve turned that into a face to face, sort squeezing me in an actual appointment.

Again I hope this doesnt breach guidelines, I understand if it does, I just needed to I dunno, tell someone and I have no one else.

In response to: Shit Sandwich

ClockFaceSenior Contributor11 Apr 2023, 8:07 pm AEST

Feeling a bit better

Just got off the phone to SANE and as always I left feeling better than when I started the call. I am looking forward to having a psychologist and a psychiatrist, a SANE call is awesome but not a psychiatrist or a psychologist and Im pretty dessperate to have those two supports to compliment SANE or vice versa.

I really need to start working on the issues I face, at the moment Im either treading water or adding new issues but Im not resolving or finding ways to accept what I cant resolve.

Its certainly not for a lack of trying, Im not trying to hide from any of this. I know its not just medication and the world is lollipops and rainbows. Ive got work to do. Its a matter of getting this company to get their shit together. Though now they acknowledge they have received the referral and triage has it so hoping that process isnt too long and they get it right.

In response to: Feeling a bit better

ClockFaceSenior Contributor12 Apr 2023, 4:57 am AEST

4am

Ive woken up at just before 4 am, in a bit of pain and kinda hungry which is weird for me lately.

Having to have some extra pain killers, not going to be over what Im allowed just normally dont take it at night. Which kinda sucks because I have a limited amount to last until I see my doctor next. Damn locum.

Got a family thing today, we all going down to see my sister. I want to go to see my sister but also need to be there to be a buffer between my sister and Mum. Which isnt really fair, Im not well, Im in pain and now Im a buffer and I feel like thats the main reason my sister wants me there. Ive said that if Im too drowsy I wont be coming, she wasnt happy but whats the point and I dont want to be out in public like that.

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