Discussions about being in state care

Thankyou for the instructions on starting new thread @Appleblossom & thanks for doing this.

My mind works a little differently maybe than 'regular' people - whatever that is!

I'm almost incapable of Tas KJ a that involve steps & Instructions. My mind kind of floats like the air.

Maybe I'm the true definition of an 'air head ' I'm giving that to myself as both a compliment & insecurity.

I have support workers etc that help me with any forms needing to be filled out, or technical type things.

I thought I would let you know because, I can communicate, but I can't follow methodology - I'd don't even know if that makes sense or is the right word. An example of my disabilities.

I liked your summary of what I was talking about too. I feel exactly the same. I don't want pity. Pity makes us feel less.

I think I can come across as very resilient & strong. That is only one part of me. The seeds that grew that resilience were unbearable hurts. PTSD. Hard for me to conceive.

Strength is another confusing word.

There is 'street smarts ' standing up to bullies, not showing fear. Using ones own stance to attempt to overpower another.... Oh, that is lots of hurt there.

Real strength isn't about any of those things.

It's about those first seeds.

@StanD

You might just notice "New Discussion" tab one day, then press it and bob's your uncle. Often that is the way with me, I find screens have too much information.

Becoming an orphan so young would have really thrown yourself on your own resources, so maybe thats where the strength and resilience comes in. It was good you had one good fostering experience.

I was a state ward for about 4 years.

I may have some street smarts, but also maybe not, cos I can be dumb, keep trying to people please and trust. Standing up to bullies is more recent, doing my own thing is key to my survival, rolling with stuff ... also group homes and fostering are quite different ...

I have a confusing hypothetical situation for you @Appleblossom Objective perspective is needed.

What if I found the thing, that was best for me. I knew it beyond all doubt. I also knew it mine & belongs to me.

But the only way to get this thing is to be invited.

Rationally my brain says I don't need to be invited if I know it's already mine.

I tried this approach & 'the best thing for me ' became hostile & refused access.

Now, I'm stuck playing by the rules the 'besr thing' dictates to me.

I know the obvious answer is that it's not the best thing.

Yet - I know it is. I can't work out how to access it.

Each moment Im not doing my own thing, I feel like it's a terrible waste of my life.

I simply can't work out how to access what I know is a look reay mine.

I'm waiting on permission, or invitation.

It's very frustrating.

Hey there @StanD ,

I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I'm reading along.

I'm hearing and I'm thinking of you.

Thanks @tyme I think I'm beginning to answer my own question.

I knew @Appleblossom couldn't answer for me.

I had one last attempt with situation I knew was good for me, though making me feel uninvited.

I stated my feelings clearly trying to be very mindful not to lay blame.

I asked the question - is this damaging for me, or helping me.

The answer is 'i wish I could answer this.'

In this moment I felt clarity.

Why would I surrender myself to a path that does not mirror what I know to be true?

There is an important detail missing.

If I know the sky is big and blue, but I only look at it at night, I will never see what I know. I will feel scared & confused.

It is better for me to stop asking, & wondering why I cannot see.

Instead I need to go out during the day.

I have no idea how this translates in practical situation.

The path must know me as I know the path.

No guessing or ambiguity.

I know I'm on the right path. For me. Everything else is distraction & illusion.

The answers I need are already inide me.

The path does not dictate the direction I'm heading.

I am direction.

Funnily, I think the path can only be seen by looking back.

It creates a false illusion that boundaries exist. I can see where I've been before & expect a continuation. It's all an illusion. Only the past has preset boundaries. The future is not yet shown. Now, is both. And entirely unique.

Just reading now @StanD

Isnt it amazing when we can posit questions and gradually come to know the answers to some of life's questions by our own processing.

Just a few thoughts in response ... as a child 'in care' ... both concept of ownership of material things and what is really 'mine' is frequently thwarted. This is at a very intimate level ... the clothes we wear, the buildings we are in, the beds we may sleep in or not, change frequently. A good 'spiritual' consequence meant that I became detached from stuff, but another 'adulting' side can be the importance of care taking and householding.

Another response revolves around human attachments and relationships and feeling belonging and respecting invitations and boundaries. With some people we may have a good fit, get along on certain levels, be it similar politics, religion, footie team, music or booksa,d there is the intimate relational or yin and yang aspect between the sexes ...

For many intimacy and personal boundaries are clear, but I really have had to work hard to be aware of when I tend to merge or pull away ... finally getting better handle on it ... after getting it wrong a lot ... usually trusting too quickly .... etc.

@StanD Also have meditated on maya ... illusion ... and the nature of reality.

I have a watery side and a fire side in things astrology ... not really an air head ... but can float up high in the ether at times ... been gliding ... a good memory.

Look after yourself whatever your direction ...

Thwarted. @Appleblossom

I agree it feels amazing when I can find an answer to my own question.. One of many possible answers. It helps.

I'm missing a crucial element. I feel an intense sense of restriction.

Unable to grasp 'mine'.

I'm writing in the hope I can unravel what my direction is now.

I know this feeling is wrong.

I know I'm in the exact moment I need to be!

I know I need to let go.

I know I'm searching for THE ultimate answer.

I know it is me, holding me back.

I know if I could let go & trust me, I will find everything I need & more.

What I need is right in front of me.

I feel like I could take it any moment I wanted.

Do I not want it?

Do I not want me?

Am I rejecting me?

I only want easy. What I'm doing is way too to hard.

I must accept & choose easy. I must be me.

Hi @StanD & @Appleblossom , I've been in mental hospitals a few times (mainly because I'm stubborn) and saw quite a few people in there who, whilst being present in the world, were not really 'connected' to it. I could see they had something inside them that none of us could understand but it was important to them. The world has tried to 'homogenise' us all to the detriment of all, it's like society is trying to make us loose connection with a part of our own collective past.

Hearing you that society is doing some things NOT QUITE RIGHT. @justanotherguy

I believe that there are ineffable qualities in human beings. Cant always put me finger on it. I know I have lived in the world and also a bit on the outside.

@StanD

There has been a lot written about possession and possessions. It can be religious, psychic, spiritual, all manner of things ...

I believe we do have obligations to our people, and stuff eg like being responsible householder or dog owner.

Sometimes there is wisdom in just being, it may seem easy but I have not always been able to just be. There is such a huge wisdom literature. I often try and go simple ... with something like "I am".