Thought i would Introduce myself and my story

Hi there, i am a 35 year old male, who has had anxiety/depression since 16.

I thought i might introduce myself, and tell my story. It is quite a long story, but i shall summerise for you all.

I first started getting anxiety/panic symptoms at 15. I still remember the day in question, i was going to a mates place, and i hadnt been picked up yet. I had woke up, had breakfast. Then i just got this wave of panic/anxiety...and it made me want to throw up. It lasted on and off for a few hrs, then i felt ok. These kept occouring. Mum took me to drs, who ran a blood test, it came back normal, dr put it down to nerves. I felt fine for a few months, then they started again. We moved interstate, and i was fine until one morning i at high school i feinted. I went to drs, and during that visit and the follow up visit, i was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder.

High school was not a fun time for me, i had only a few friends. None have lasted to the present day. Most importantly, i never had any highschool romance. I actually remember a girl saying "you will never get a girlfriend here" there was the odd few girls, that actually cared about me, and would ask me how my day was, but for the most part, girls would ignore me.

If we fast forward to working life. I worked in a job with a high turnover of staff. I had a crush on a few girls, but they all said "i dont like you in that way" this continued, sort of like a "rinse and repeat" scenario.

Thinking back, i have now realized i tried too hard to get girls approval.

If we fast forward to 2018, i had a fall and i ended up breaking my hip, this was misdiagnosed for about 7 weeks, but it eventuated in a full replacement surgery, in which i have had problems afterwards, this has left me with a little walking limp etc. This whole situation has just shot down any self esteem i had.

If we fast forward to last year, we had a new girl start at work, we got on really well, she was let go after about 6 weeks. One of my married co workers, told me she was single. I was too scared to ask her, so she ended up asking her.i had the same reply i have always gotten "just friends". My co worker said "dont worry about that....if you hang out with her enough, it could quickly change"

We were very close whilst working with each other (we still are). I still remember her last day, she wasnt much of a hugger, but she let me hug her. She later said how she "felt feelings" when she hugged me that night. And that she had never felt those feelings in many years.

If we fast forward, everytime i asked her if there could be "anything more than friends" she said she doesnt think we would work out, and she has a very strong emotional attachment to me.

As a friend, this girl is just amazing, and she cares for me. It causes me a lot of heartache though, because i have such a strong attachment to her. She is the only girl that has ever liked the real me, she is happy to catch up every now and then. We usually go out somewhere for the day. She is now a very huggy person, and is fine with me getting a few hugs. (I dont get many in life).

It is really weird, i was always depressed and lonely, but now i have met this girl (same one above) who is just amazing. Even as a friend, i have realized i have been missing a girl in my life. It makes me so depressed at times, i realize how all i want is to be in a normal relationship, i just want my first girl friend (pretty obvious at the moment, it wont be that girl). So i get on all the dating apps (eharmony, tinder and bumble) no sucess. I cant get matches. If i did get a match, they just stoped talking to me. I also had another one that seemed ok, but i realized she wanted me to invest money into crypto currency. So i blocked her. (When i said i dont want to do that(crypto), she got very defensive and blamed me). I know how the scams operate, so i knew to play it safe and just block her.

I have been talking to a psychologist, but i feel it isnt really going anywhere, so i have delayed going back and booking another appt.

This is where i am up to now. I have waves of feelings of not feeling good enough for any girl. I can be going about my day, and it just hits me. I have had two breakdowns in the last 6 months (yes i go to the dr, and yes i am on medication!)

I can elaborate on anything i have posted, if any of you want any more info. Thanks for reading.