Help and advice

Thank you.

I am so ashamed of myself. I have been on the verge of breaking down daily for 2 1/2 years. I am tired of feeling this way, I feel I am going to end up in hell.

@JJJ. Just as @Former-Member said - it is never too late to change.
I also used to use alcohol to try and numb my feelings. All it does in the end - is make it all worse.
So yes it's good you have deleted certain accounts - but it nay be better still to look at your coping techniques at the moment.
Drinking and wanting to feel like a big man - are all ways you have been trying to cope through the pain. But they don't help you.
I spent almost 2 years doing the bare minimum for my child (hard when a single parent) as I was not able to look after myself properly - let alone him. And my drinking just made me act irrationally.
Since therapy this year - I have been working at building a stronger relationship with my son. And it's starting to pay off. He can see my struggles at times - but he knows I'll keep fighting to be and stay healthy. That's an important lesson for our children to witness. We are humans & we suffer, but we can fight and overcome our demons.
You leaving your family will not help them. It will teach the kids tgat when times are hard - you run. It will show your wife - that you do not love her enough to fight. And it will continue to create a pattern in your life of avoidance. That only leads to further ill health.
You have a lot worth fighting for.
Work with your gp and a psychologist and learn new, better coping techniques. Your psychologist can show you how you can startffeeling good about yourself again.
And try not to self diagnose. It doesn't help.
Just reach out and accept the help offered and start your healing.
I believe you can heal.

thanks for being here. I feel in pieces just now. I am an emotional wreck

I am even doubting what I am writing down, I feel so ashamed of myself.

@JJJ. You just need a rest. Your emotions are tiring you out. Are you able to sleep? Maybe even just a nap? I feel stronger sometimes after a sleep. New day and all of that.
Just focus on thinking about you getting better and healing and the pain going away. And how great it will feel.
It is more than possible

I have slept on and off last night. I worry so much about the future. How will my family be? Will they ever want to see me again? What a miserable human I am, lying, cheating you name it that's me

Thanks, your message is very helpful. I was reading all of these webpages showing the symptoms of disorders. I feel a bit more relaxed at present.