Help and advice

Thanks for the help Kirra. I feel in a really bad place just now. I have made a terrible mess of things and feel like disappearing.

Hi @JJJ

Sorry to hear that things are so messy right now. But on a positive it sounds like you are really ready to make a change and turn onto a new street from the one that you've been travelling. i agree with @Kurra about getting some help from your gp and a referral, but also wonder whether you need some immediate support as well. Lifeline is there for anyone in crisis, and sometimes talking/chatting things over helps to clarify things, give us direction for the next little while (be that the next few hours or days). They may also be able to give you a referral to somewhere local that may be of help too.

here listening if you feel like chatting more/sharing more,

take care,

lj

Thanks

I am not in the country just now, I shall follow the instructions Kurra gave me when I return.

i just feel so depressed due to my own stupid fault. I think my marriage is over, I have but my wife and kids through some shitty times and now it looks like I will be a lonely man. I deserve every bit of what is coming to me.

Feel like packing it in and disappearing.

I feel empty, guilty, ashamed. My family are better off without me.

I am incapable of showing or receiving love, everything must be for my benefit.

Hi @JJJ,

yes a good place to start is making an appt. with your GP, and going from their, there is people out their who want to help, so make that appt. with your GP and they will help guide you.

It's a big step coming on and wanting to talk about it, we are all on your side.

Dogman

Hi @JJJ

Your idea that your family would be better off without you is concerning, as I am wondering if you are thinking about suicide.

If this is the case and you are feeling unsafe, please call/chat online to a crisis helpline. Here are phone numbers of and links to the crisis lines that @utopia mentioned, plus another:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

beyondblue: 1300 22 4636

MensLine: 1300 78 99 78

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Take care and keep in touch,

Shimmer

Utopia,

I have been like this all my life I think.

While I seem to have everything under control when with people outside of the family. I am a different person altogether at home.

i have really messed up my sons and daughters lives with the way I have treated them. I have ground my wife into the ground as well. I have alienated most of the social circle we used to be in, so much so it is easier to not attend anything rather than go and sit around in a moody unapproachable silence. My wife thinks I am some kind of sociopath, who is devoid of all feelings, sympathy, love, understanding, you name it.

My father is a very anti social, sometimes toxic, if that's the right word individual. Numerous emotional abuse issues are beginning to surface, but I cannot recall or don't want to recall anything physical. I just remember being afraid all the time of him. I know he had a very close relationship with his mother, who I think was emotionally abusive to him

My mother grew up being looked after basically her brothers, as her parents died when she was in school and as a teenager. She has always seemed to be able to put up with things that my father, me and my sister have thrown up at her.

she has always been very good for me, but I am not sure I have for her.

At the age I am now I think I am still seeking approval from my father, he is not well hence me being away from home. To be with both of them.

the catalyst for the latest episode of my worthless existence is

i foolishly arranged to meet a lady I had not met for a good number of years for dinner, there was no discussion of it being a sexual encounter, but the messaging carried a tone which displayed a possibility. I am not sure if it would have or not. I have not met with her due to my wife finding out about her, I do not have any contact details for her but, I do know where she lives, but am avoiding going to town or near her area in case I need to explain anything further.

I contacted her when I was drunk the night before we arranged to meet. In the first instance she had contacted me, she knew I was married had kids, grandchildren, live on the other side of the world.

i don't think of myself as a serial adulter, I think I enjoy the thrill of the contact and the whiff of possibility. I know a lot of people I would consider worse than myself. Saying that I was in an affair nearly 20 years ago, my wife also was involved in a brief affair around the same time.

I have removed all social media sites from my devices, so I have no way of contacting her (the lady) or anyone for that matter. I know they can all be reactivated, but the intention at present is they all remain deactivated for good.

My wife is to upset to talk to me just now, but she keeps asking me why I contacted the lady, everything I try to tell her she dismisses as rubbish. I at first tried to deny arranging to meeting her, due to the pain I went through 20 years previous when I was caught out. She thinks the sole intention of coming here was to see her. And that I do not care about my folks or anyone else here.

My erratic impulses seem to be driven when I have been drinking, spending large amounts of money to try and look like a big shot.

I am really anxious about being paid off from my employment, which I think adds to the current stain in my home life.

For a large part of the last two and a half years, one of my sons (who is currently seeing a counsellor for his emotion issues) has returned home, he has also worked with me overseas due to him, losing his job at home when he went through a messy breakdown of his relationship. Having him work for me and live under the same roof under the work pressure I was under overseas was not pleasant for me or him I suppose. We had several volatile arguments where he wanted to fight with me. And I suppose if he was not my child I would probably wanted to fight him. I think he self medicates with alcohol and hash. I do feel resentment to him quite a lot for the way he makes me feel about him sometimes.

my daughter thinks I hate her, as I am always shouting at her, she is at a very important period of schooling and I hate myself for it, but it is sometimes impossible to control.

I seem to have wandered way off track. I am unhappy, seem to display all the traits of a sociopath or BPD and my family life is in tatters. I would be better disappearing and not contacting them again.

i am not feeling like harming or doing anything stupid, I just think things would better for all if I disappeared.