Piecing the shattered glass together

@Kyle1, my Pdoc wanted to talk to my psychologist, I’ve given them permission, but my psychologist won’t go into detail about trauma. I’ve been seeing my psychologist for more than two years now, only saw this pdoc once so far, I think he was working with tentative diagnoses. Diagnoses in reality do affect treatment, being diagnosed with the wrong thing may delay things. The pdoc thought if it was bipolar, it was controlled well with meds, and there were red flags for borderline personality disorder. While my psychologist didn’t think I had borderline personality disorder (BDP) and was experiencing symptoms from bipolar. Both agreed on cptsd though. Bipolar and BDP treatments are very different. Bipolar is more biological based than BDP.

Whatever it is, this depression is crippling. I wish I could achieve stability, I miss the few day stability I had last year 😭. Then it was over after I cycled back into a migraine plus depression. I feel like I’m getting worse again, I hate when it gets dark.

@Kyle1, that’s because the euphoric periods are in the past. I haven’t had a proper high for a while, last episode was possibly an agitated depression, like when you’re so energised but so depressed at the same times I had a really bad agitated depression last year for at least a week ish or so before it subsided to normal depression. It’s confusing. I learnt that being careful about too much light exposure, especially evening meant I was less likely to be agitated and I could control the agitation pretty quickly so it didn’t last long enough to be an episode. Though the agitation tends to be more or an issue in the warmer months. I’m just flat out and exhausted right now. I want this to end 😭. I’m tired of suffering. I’m safe, but I wish I wasn’t.

@Kyle1, I wish my brain could regulate circadian rhythms like normal people. Both mood and migraines are affected my circadian rhythms. I think the only thing that really kept me alive is Islam, when I have no other reason to live for, I find purpose and meaning in my beliefs, otherwise, I would've been long gone by now.

@Kyle1, I feel like as I've grown older, I've grown to see God as more forgiving and compassionate. God's mercy is above His anger. Often when kids are growing up they are given a list of things they can and cannot do to be a good Muslim. So I guess it gives me a sense of hope that even if I mess up, I can still return. I also know everything happens for a reason too, the purpose of going through all this pain isn't to break me, but to increase my value, like Kintsugi Japanese art.

@Kyle1, yes, while there are technical differences between Islam and Christainity, there are also similarities 🙂