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I decided to start a new thread, my new chapter in my life is going to focus on healing my traumas, building resilience and self-worth and taking the steps of achieving mood stability. I am praying this year will be better than the last. Last year the SI got really intense, was so close to losing hope and I felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces like shattered glass. It all still feels overwhelming, I have a long way to go on my healing journey, but I think I'm starting to feel a bit more hopeful about the future.
In response to: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Captain24, having information shared between your MH team has benefits. The only problem is, I prefer having control over who knows what. I am slow to trust. I’ve considered getting a CM, but never really did, don’t know if it’ll be overkill as I do already have quite a few supports, a psychologist, a counsellor, peer support worker and will have a pdoc soon.
Though, googling ways isn’t something you should be ashamed of. I’ve engaged in red flag behaviour myself, and this was fairly recently too, like maybe only a few days ago. Being in a dark place is really hard.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Captain24Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
I’m the opposite @creative_writer. It took me a little while to gain trust in my CM but I’m glad that I did and that she shares it all with the psych. Otherwise I wouldn’t tell her everything. I feel anxious when I see her but she doesn’t her best to make me comfortable. With her knowing it all I think it helps treat me better. As she has a good understanding of how I am and where I’m at.
I was ashamed as I felt as though I had let them all down by looking at ways to give in.
I don’t think it hurts to have as many supports as you need. Whatever helps to get you to remission and keep you there. I’ve discovered that it’s a long hard journey and doing it with support helps.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Captain24, I'm glade to hear you have a supportive CM. It can be hard to tell supports everything at times, I'm only learning to feel comfortable. I'm not the type of person who naturally feels at ease with people and I still hold back, sometimes I feel like breaking down in therapy but never feel comfortable and safe to let myself fall.
I don't think you let them down, you were doing the best you could, MI is hard struggle. I hope today is going okay for you ❤️
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Captain24Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Hey @creative_writer
I feel the only way I can get better is that I have to put my trust in them. It wasn’t easy but I think it’s help. I’m more open via email or on the phone. I can’t see their face when I’ve let them down.
I broke down for the first time the morning my nan died. I was so embarrassed and haven’t done it since.
I’ve spent my morning busy. It’s hard with zero motivation but I’m trying not to let my mood slip or the anxiety creep in.
Hope you are doing well and keeping yourself busy.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Captain24, I've cried on the phone during a call with a MH clinician when I was with HOPE, don't know if he noticed, my voice was breaking and I was sniffing, I was having a rough morning. This was even my final call too, was an embarrassing way to conclude.
I've been trying to work on my uni assignment, and put some motivational music. I feel pretty slow and foggy, so it's hard, I think it's just my brain being brain, and I did get a bad migraine yesterday after all. I hope to talk to the pdoc about my migraines too, they seem so interrelated with mood and even have common triggers, after all, migraines are also linked with changes in brain chemistry.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Captain24Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
We shouldn’t be embarrassed @creative_writer. It’s a natural emotion. My voice broke on a call to my CM one night. I told her I didn’t want to go to work the next day. She asked if I wanted to come to the hospital and I said no. I had to email her the next day before work or call her if I didn’t go. I thought I had sent her an email but it went to drafts. After talking to me the night before and not hearing from me she was really concerned. Lucky I asked my boss if I could go and make a phone call. She wasn’t sure if I had ended it! She called me a devil. Jokingly!
I hope the Pdoc can help with your migraines. It must be really debilitating having them constantly. I hope the brain fog eases so you can get your uni work done.
Im trying to talk myself into mowing the lawn.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Captain24, it's hard to let yourself cry if you've grown up thinking it was a sign of weakness. I know crying isn't a sign of weakness, but it's been so ingrained in me. I used to cry all the time when I was younger and it wasn't received well.
I hope the pdoc has some advice. The mood stabiliser I'm on is also a migraine preventative. I don't think it's a coincidence for migraines and mood instability to flare up around the same time.
I hope the weather is okay for lawn mowing over there, it does keep you busy for a bit.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
I’m okay right now, but I’m getting a sudden urge to disappear from the face of the earth. If I don’t try to take care, I may spiral into chaos. I can’t put my fingers on it, I want my thoughts to slow down.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
tymeModerator
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Hearing you @creative_writer . I'm sorry you feel this way at this moment. I do have to acknowledge the insight you have to realise that you need to actively push away some of those thoughts right now.
Whether it's distraction, engaging in mindfulness, connecting with others etc., I'm with you and believe that you can do it.
Please know you are not alone tonight.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@tyme, it just sort of hit me right now. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I guess brain being brain. I have no explanation. Maybe I need sleep.
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