Power relationship

@Scribbles. Part of the reason a narcissist doesn't accept responsibility is because they don't see themselves as wrong. They often view themselves as hard working, loving (almost devoted) husbands/wives/mothers/carers etc. They have a personality that makes uneducated people believe everything they say. They are unable to accept fault as they see themselves as faultless. To the outside world in general, a narcissist comes across as the most fabulous, caring person. My dad was a real narc, he was an alcoholic who frequently abused, belittled and insulted us. My mum denied all of this and told everyone he was a 'wonderful husband', excellent provider. If she hadn't worked, we wouldn't have had a thing. To the outside world, my dad was seen as a wonderful, caring husband and uncle. He also displayed a great sense of humor and would spend hours playing cricket and other sport with the neighborhood kids. Once inside, we were abused, told we were wasted space, had no talent. Oh, yes, he was wonderful - not. However, as a result of him, I now hold my head up because through his constant belittling of me, I have a great job, good friends and I work with special needs folk. He couldn't have done that because of his lack of insight and patience and nastiness. I know I don't want to be like him, so I'm not. I'm better. Narc's are good teachers, in that once you realize who and what they are, their kids usually either follow or go against and become worthwhile human beings.

@utopia. Well, first week in new job over. Tired, but it is a physical tired, as opposed to mental. Yesterday, Friday, I did my normal off-side job, we went to a different location with different (but known to us) clients. I had not heard from G. sent him an email during the week and received a one line reply. Wrote last night and received an apology for not answering or writing. Poor guy has been absolutely inundated with his own forum of which he is Champion. He is concerned about my new job with these special needs clients. He did ask me to be aware of unintended potential violent outbursts as quite often special needs clients get excited and sometimes 'hit out' thinking it's a game. I told him thank you and reminded him I loved him for his concern. However he needn't worry as these clients cannot actually touch us because they are strapped in securely and usually chatter among themselves and gaze out the window. We do have one dementia client who loves poking round the vehicle. She is also inclined to peek in your bag and takes things out to look at them. For this reason I will have to remember to hide the bag (then remember where I've hidden it), lol. None of these clients are violent, so G's concern while well-meant is unnecessary. He has begged me to continue writing and said he will do his best to answer, but because a lot of his forums consist of lonely and often alone suicidal clients, he has to put their needs ahead. I totally understand and told him that. This time of year, many people are lost because of their circumstances, families o/seas, or they have no-one in their lives who they can call on. Christmas can be extremely sad and depressing for people who (at any other time of the year) seem to be able to cope, to some degree. G. actually said he is not a lover of this season because of the enormous amount of lonely, sad, hurt people who reach out more so. I have no plans as yet for Christmas. However, I'm sure that will change. G. is spending his day with his kids and g'daughters. He did say he is not looking forward to shopping for them. It's so hard these days shopping for children. They used to be content with wooden home-made toys, now they want computers, ipads, mobile phones, and gadgets I've never seen. Even babies over 12 months are not happy with ordinary toys anymore. They do seem to enjoy the packaging the stuff comes in.

@pip. Babies live the wrapping paper and boxes the present comes in, the best.
Look on line for popular toys for particular age groups. That will give you an idea of what's interesting now.
I think you need to get an old handbag & put safe - nothing sharp - items in it and just let this person with dementia find the bag and what's inside.
Things like hankies. A small squishy ball. A small soft toy or doll. An old book - even aj old golden time book.
Every week, you could change the items in the bag. They will love it. Especially if they have to 'find' the bag first.
I'm so glad your first week went well.
Yes your bf has a tough job. Especially at this time of year - in the Christmas lead up. Just write - even if he doesn't respond. Write what you want about your day - your plans for the weekend- a recipe you cooked.
He may be busy and too tired to respond some days. But I'll bet he'd love to read your words before falling asleep.

@utopia. I don't actually have G's address, so can't mail anything. However I will suggest a few things. Men are out of their comfort zone buying for g'daughter's especially the very young ones. Great thought re: the handbag for our dementia client. I told him not to worry too much about writing back, just as he could. I have to report to the cancer clinic for a general review on Tuesday, so will let him know the result. When I told him I had cancer, he actually cried. He admitted he cried, we were just close friends at that time, although he had always said the relationship was there. He hadn't admitted to the bf/gf status but readily admitted when I asked. I think he was quite happy to finally get that settled. He wished me a happy weekend, I said same.

@pip. Yes email him with some suggestions of popular toys.
I'm sorry, I don't think I knew you had cancer. Think even with my bad memory, I would have remembered that.
Can I ask what type of cancer & what the specialists say? Only answer if you are comfortable.
Of course G cried when he heard. He is a true man - who can cry at sad news & have empathy for his friend - now gf.
He's possibly as nervous as you may be.
How do you feel? I shouldn't just assume

@utopia. I had an ultra-sound mammogram around the middle of May this year. I'd had a lump removed from my left breast about 4 years ago, so had to have yearly mammograms and ultra-sounds. G. knew about the left breast, from during the early days when he was counseling me, I had told him. He was quite angry about my ex's complete disregard for my welfare at that time. I had the mammogram ultra-sound as required and the lady who performed the ultra-sound picked up a 'mass' in my right breast. I knew there was something wrong because she kept referring to the previous x-ray of my right breast. I asked her what was wrong, she kept saying nothing. I went to the specialist, who informed me I would have to have a biopsy as there was something wrong. The biopsy proved to be a cancerous tumor. G knew I was having the biopsy and repeatedly asked what was the result. The specialist said I had to have surgery, followed by radiation. When I told G he was devastated. He asked me every day how I was, he told me he would 'be there' spiritually anytime. When I eventually had the surgery early June, G said to focus on his presence which would never leave me. He actually said if I looked hard I would actually see him guiding the surgeon's hand. I 'saw' G's face when I woke after the surgery. I must have spoken his name because the nurse asked me who Geoff was. I had to wait a month before radiation, G again kept in touch. When I initially told him the cancer result he actually swore that it shouldn't be happening, as I had been through enough. When I told him I was home and awaiting radiation, he was relieved the operation appeared to have been successful. He kept in touch two or three times a day during the radiation treatment and begged me to be careful. I told him I was returning to work once the radiation was through. He said he thought it was too soon. I had 5 weeks radiation every day. Then I was called up for jury duty, G. was again knocked sideways and begged me to apply for an exemption. I didn't as I had no excuse. Jury was actually no problem and G. praised me for attending. I am in remission, I do have to attend the cancer clinic Tuesday for a review. G doesn't know, but I will tell him all is well. He worries so much, I think because of the distance and he can't see me. I try not to tell him things that upset him, he worries too much and I don't like worrying him. He was so apologetic at not emailing me so much atm with Christmas and so many lonely people who need empathy. He asked me to keep in touch, so I just said email as and when you can. utopia, I've never had a bf quite like him before. I've never had anyone worry about me like that. When he told me I looked beautiful in my uniform, that stunned me. I thanked him for saying that.

Wow @pip. That must have been such a scary thing to go through. I'm sorry you had to. But I'm glad G was there for you the whole way through. No wonder you fell in love with him. And to have his face be the first thing you 'saw' after waking up. Just meant to be.
I truly hope everything goes well at Tuesdays appointment. Please let me know.
And I think G would like to know before hand. Yes you worry about him. And he worries about you. That is true love. That's why you are in each others lives - for the good and the bad. The worries and the relief. Let him be a part of it.