🌻

Thankyou @Jynx for supporting me. I feel confused about what I am allowed to write on here or to another person. I am confused about boundaries. Thankyou for listening to me.

Any time @maddison - having a lil poke around the guidelines can help. And you can always ask - the mods and our members are very happy to help. And if you're not sure if you can ask here, you can always email us - team@saneforums.org. No stupid questions, I promise.

(Edit: Just to clarify, I mean there's no such thing as a 'stupid question' when it comes to helping out our members 😅)

I'll email you @maddison - you're not in trouble, just want to provide some clarity and support you as best I can 💜

and YOU are good for me @maddison you express yourself in ways that feel similar to many of my experiences but I would not use the same words. I just find it good to reflect on.

Women are often socialised into taking care of others. Take care of you at the moment, and maybe some cats... lol

Hope you sort out the mods thing, dont worry too much, I still like and relate to your intensity.

Thanks @Appleblossom I'm happy you think I'm good for you. That's big.

I'm having an awkward night - please excuse if things are coming out wrong.

I'm self conscious that I'm using the wrong words now. I can't use your words tho, can I - I will have to stick by mine.

And I would describe your words in the same way. I find I need to process at times. I don't understand everything you write. In this moment I'm feeling like I understand nothing. Yes, mentally deleted...I meant depleted.

You wrote 'keep being me' I thought it was really cool & uplifting. 15 mins later I panicked - I don't know who me is.

There is some good not knowing. I could be anyone?! Maybe..? ....Or am I already me, cloudy?

Thankyou for encouraging me to take care of myself. Thankyou for letting me express myself to you.

I know I have lived with my head in the clouds and in books and my words come from there rather than feeling talk. @maddison I do have feelings but always had to shut them down. There is the long word 'dissociation' I came across studying theory and psychoanalysis. It has come more popular these days, and probably applies to me a lot, but I still always had feelings whatever I was going through.

When I was young and people spoke of finding themselves I did not have a clue what they were talking about and kept things polite and matter of fact.

You do feelings well. I did a course called Desire and Discourse at uni and tend to put things in those kind of terms. I may not have been allowed to speak my experiences or feelings but at the BIG school was taught all these things, so surely they are right Huh? Not mad and bad like me and my family.

Then I learned the word "individuation" 'ah that is what I need to do' and I learned to put the word "I" in my thoughts.

I went out last night with a lovely lady who is very expressive and enjoyed being with her and being calm in the background and dancing and jazzing it up a little for fun.

Being you ... is not an order ... we can often lose our mojo ... or whatever... but it does come back.

A little random self expression🌻...🤞 no guidlines crossed.

Troy

You can tell me anything

You can tell me

You are here

You can see

You can hide

You can come out

You don't need to be shy

You love me

You are safe

With me

You are strong

You are brave

You are the bravest person I've ever known

You take your time

You go slow

And you wait to see

You are faith

I need

Becoz I don't always see

You

Help, guide, protect

Me

I'm in you now

As you in me

Feels like it rained last last

It rained

Feels like it did

I write it feels anxiety

Can I push through

The medications

Increasing

What makes me nervous

Why do I fear

Babies fear 2 things

Loud noises

And falling

Am I falling

Am I screaming

I'm scared of my words

They come out of me

I could say anything

Am I scared to be heard

I didn't know that

It wasn't only for me

I'm scared to be frightened

I hate all this me

I hate I don't know

I hate I can't breath

I hate everyday

I look in the mirror

New pimples on me

I can't take sedation

I can't eat junk

I want clear skin

I don't want to wear make up

To be pretty

I am prettier with the makeup

I like who I see

Mascara on blonde lashes

Lip liner on smallish lips

Foundation to even

Uneven complexion

My hair

Not been to a hairdresser

For 20 years

Do I need a trim?

My hair never sits right

I wear it up to hide

A messy do

Strands pretty

I create

An alibi

I'm better than you

Jewellery

Perfume

Diamonds I love

I have good things

I'm sad I never had

Flawless skin

My body, skin divine

Perfect white golden tone

My eyes big green

Gold black blue grey

What colour am I

I'm glad I'm not black

How could I think that

The dark skin

I love & I'm racist

I'm homophobic

I like some

Actually, I find transgender

Appealing

The spirit & hell

I'm not the right person

Safe in white

White butterflies are

Not so bright

The coloured ones

Fast smart

Powerful

Tricky

My stupid friend

I hate him

What tea did he make me?

He is black

Or White

In my way

Asking for a hug

I yell no

And leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone Leave me alone LEAVE ME ALONE

F..K OFF

YOUR IN MY WAY

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU

YOU WON'T LET ME FEEL PEACE

YOU ALWAYS DISTURB ME

I HATE THAT YOU MAKE ME

CONFUSED, NOTHING, WEAK

I ASK YOU TO DO

YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME

STOP TALKING

STOP TALKING

YOU TALK OVER ME

You love me?

I love you?

You love the sh.t out me

I couldn't look

Re direct

Let me be free instead

You raise your voice

Mean, anger hate

I can't respond now

You try harder

Get insecure

Want it from me

I feel guilt

And then you betray me

Like I'm nothing to you

It's easy to walk away

Why hope

And give more

Waiting for you

I have to please you

To connect with flow

I'm walking away

Where is my home

You are my home

And who is right

And who is wrong

Alone I know me

Alone I'm strong

It's only cause your not around

I probably think I'm happy now

There's no perfect life

Only life

The grass isn't greener

Accept this & you will be free

Be grateful and you will be thankful

There IS a perfect life

There IS a dream

The GRASS next to me

I laid on the grass

In the sky

I thought of God

And why God is in the sky

A metaphor

For She

I try to understand God

The Bible - it sounds judgey

I found Hare Krishna

Have anything you need

I only want you to be happy

I asked Hare Krishna

A lifetime supply

That day, a phone call

And now I'm high

Mala makes sense

Repeat 108

Meditation on

Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna

Hare Hare

Hare Rama

Hare Rama

Rama Rama

Hare Hare

Thoughts can escape

I get bored

Tulsi

Holy Basil

Krishna

My only tea

Garlic is not allowed

What will unfold

I'm waiting again

Waiting to see

Unstable IVO

Drugs or me?

Waiting for my house

Waiting on the list

Waiting till they remove him

I wonder what I'll miss

Locked in my room

His body moves past me

I feel fear, his intimidation

Anger in his energy

He asks 'am I still leaving?'

'Will he be alone?'

I respond 'Why are you asking?'

He says, 'I just want to know.'

I get angry

'That's not an answer,

I need honest, direct

You want to play words games

And get in my head.'

I am autistic

I need straight words

He doesn't listen

Can't comprehend

Doesn't get it

And now he begins to YELL

Will he hurt me

Is he weak at the core

Curl up and cry

Or do I even know this person

At all?

Imagine to live

In this uncertain way

I can't breath here

They gave me bugs

And cockroaches

They say I'm high risk

No that's not acceptable

Why did you put me there?

What bullsh*t is this.

You made it unsafer

My predicament worse

Courage to leave

I trusted your support

And now you call me

Every day

And check in

Warn me of danger

Not listen to me.

Safe Steps

Temp housing

This is my option

Abuse I choose now

I've been forgotten.

@Appleblossom hello appleblossom. Thankyou for your lovely message. I didn't get any messages today.

I am literally in the middle of all sorts of trouble. It's probably not safe to go into detail. Another plan has evolved as a result. More intense work I have to do tomorrow now. I'm running out of options & time. God I want this to be over. I need him gone. I need a safe place for me & cats. That is all. Why is it all so wobbly. I have things balanced so precariously, one wrong move, misguided action, it could all fall on top of me.

I have to be stealthy in my escape. I don't know what tomorrow like. The uncertainty is difficult.

I had a lady call me now. Support, to see if I'm ok & what the situation is here. They will call again in the morning. It helps lots.

I am self focused appleblossom. I can't relax too much right now. One thing that stood out in your letter was 'suggestion' to be me. I loved that - it made so much sense to me. I need to look up the word you mentioned too. I know it will help me.

I have to be quiet & sign off for now.

Hope you have a lovely night.

Thankyou for thinking of me

@EternalFlower hello. Thankyou for supporting my poem. It made me feel good. Hope you are well & at least we made it thru the weekend!! Thankyou all for helping me . And there it is..xx

Thank u for Ur poem @maddison I liked it

I know a bit about ivos and court ....I don't think they helped me much ...i hope u get us much support as u can...I know u will find the right way out. It's a lot, though, I acknowledge.

I appreciate you acknowledging me @EternalFlower thankyou.

I hope you are ok. I read on your page that you are really struggling tonight. Thankyou for supporting me, when you, yourself are breaking inside. I admire you so much. I think I could sense pain in your post. I wish I could relieve, if only a tiny bit & give you relief.

I write. In desperation, I write. I keep writing, until whatever is in me is on the page. I don't know if it helps. I have the overwhelming need to...talk..

I would like to discuss details of IVO with U - I'm sure it's not appropriate! Thankyou for supporting me. I'm taking these HUGE steps, thinking, right this is the one - a few days later, I need to take a bigger step. It might be that I'm 'in it' - it's hard to see more than a day or 2 in front, because of all the constant noise. I'm relying on supports, strangers, to help me with seeing the path ahead.

Intuition

My plans change by the moment.

I have uncovered a lot of anger & frustration in me. The endless patience I gave away, transformed. It protects me, in a way.

There is this - coursing. Pain, courage, anger. The thing is, as painful as it is, I like it... Because it's mine.... FINALLY... I feel fear, hurt, warm, love....& intense seas...I feel numb....

I'm here for you xx❤️🌸