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Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor05 Dec 2022, 10:12 pm AEDT

Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Not sure where this fits but kind of a looking after myself process so 🤷‍

Have been for the last couple of years, together with my darling, supporting my father in law to live at home. After having a heart procedure a over 12 weeks ago (that was supposed to be an over night stay) he has been in hospital with complications both related and unrelated. But the goal was for him to be back at home with us. Up until 2 weeks ago we were planning a family road trip for dad to visit family.

Well today at a family meeting that hope was extinguished. The plan now is for a transition to full time care. While not unexpected I am finding it hard to accept that I / we don't have the capacity to support dad any longer.... kind of feel I have failed, if I had done this or that, if I wasn't working I could have done this or that...

And feeling bad for it but resenting somewhat that the though of having dad home with us has darling in the edge of another breakdown. (Not her fault at all).

And to be fair if we tried and failed I too am at risk of burnout relapse.

Anyway not wanting to whinge just putting some thoughts down as part of letting go.

I guess I am juat a fixer by nature and when I can't be the one to hold things together then I feel I have failed, even if it is things well out of my control.

Juat a little overwhelming atm.

Thanks for 'listening' to my ramble.

43 replies

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In response to: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

tymeModerator09 Dec 2022, 6:04 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Sitting with you at this time @Determined .

How are you travelling yourself? I hear how draining it can be.

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor09 Dec 2022, 9:13 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Thanks @tyme

Ok would be a stretch but safe and surviving. Not sleeping and prone to unexpected tears.

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor09 Dec 2022, 9:16 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Making some progress onncare applications and acceptance from Dad (inlaw) has helped.

Best prospects are between 50 and 70 km from home which is less than ideal bit is what it is. Closer to home on waiting lists. But that could be months.

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Shaz51Senior Contributor09 Dec 2022, 9:41 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Yes @Determined it was 60kms for us to visit

All places had a waiting list and I had to start paying for the hospital bed where mum was until something was available

Now mum is back into our local aged care and mum thinks I am travelling a fair way to visit here

@FloatingFeather , @tyme , @Appleblossom , @Dimity , @BlueBay

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor10 Dec 2022, 9:28 am AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Thanks @Shaz51

You have been through all this also. Rough times and glad it has worked out for you and your mum.

Everyone keeps telling me I should visit less because I am runnimg down but but easier said than done. Twice now when I have decided not to.visit things have gone bad

Completely unrelated but for me that comes with regret about missed opportunity.

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Shaz51Senior Contributor11 Dec 2022, 9:40 am AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Morning @Determined how is everything going

I visit twice a week , feeling guilty that I don't visit enough but it is hard when I do visit and it usually wipes me out for a day

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor11 Dec 2022, 1:54 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Understand that feeling @Shaz51

Pretty tired here.

Trying to visit every day which is draining because it 100km round trip.

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor11 Dec 2022, 5:45 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Don't know what to do re Darling in all of this. Not knowing what is happening or how long we have left with Dad is messing with her and the cycle of abuse is amping up.

I need to find the balance between compassion and the line that abuse is not ok in a way that is sustainable for our relationship. Would be bery easy to over react and walk away at the moment 😥

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Shaz51Senior Contributor11 Dec 2022, 5:55 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

Ohh hugs @Determined , thinking of you and your darling and your family soo much

It is very hard to be strong at times

One of My auny went up to visit mum whom she has not seen for months

She came back with a wonderful report, I had tears as my mum treats me totally different to her other visitors when I see her

@FloatingFeather , @tyme , @Gwynn , @Appleblossom , @Dimity , @amber22 , @moderator

In response to: Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

DeterminedSenior Contributor11 Dec 2022, 6:03 pm AEDT

Re: Accepting care/ support role is unsustainable 🥺

That would be hard @Shaz51 💔

At least Dad is always happy to see me and appreciates me.

Darling on the other hand seems to think I am the enemy.

I have to be happy as smiling all of the time, stressed and overwhelmed is not an option for me it seems.

Maybe I should step back and let her sort stuff out for her Dad 🤔 (Hypothetical response, I would not do that to either of them) .

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