Christmas/New Year

Hi all,

I'm with you @Snowie, it's terribly hard when our professional supports take a Christmas break.

Emotions can hit really hard and fast around this time. I'm feeling extremely emotional just now. It doesn't help that it's freezing and raining in Melbourne. I'm trying to organise a time to meet my 4 daughters for Christmas but I just found out they've already made plans with either their dad or their partners families.

It's really hard. I feel so left out and overlooked. I've put things in place with my GP and psych triage but I'm worried that if I already feel so lonely and defective , how am I going to cope Xmas day. I have no other family members than my daughters and my best friend is interstate this year.

Sorry to vent, but I joined SANE as part of my safety plan so I'm utilising it.

It's like my struggles of the past few years now define me in the eyes of my kids and they've forgotten how much I did for them.

Hi @Hope0011,

That must be hard to sit with. As a mum to three kids I can understand how your kids having alternate plans for Christmas must make you feel. I agree with you around emotions at this time of year. I think if we believed what we saw in the media everyone is supposedly happy and have loving families at Christmas. This may be true for some but I think it's important to be mindful for a lot of people Christmas can be a really challenging time for many reasons.

I also understand what you mean when you talk about how your kids seem to have forgotten all you did when for them. I really believe that people and life is like an onion - there are many layers and one thing doesn't define a person and/or a time in our lives.

Vent away - that's what we are here for. To share and support people through all times of their life. The good times and the tough times.

I'm going to send you an email just to privately check in on you so please respond when you can.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

Thanks @FloatingFeather that mean a lot. Yep, Donkey on Shrek was right about us being like onions.

I have created distance between myself and my girls whilst I was struggling to keep afloat. Only 2 of them see their dad, but he has really come off as the saviour here, using my mental health against me. It hurts so much. I now know he's a covert narcissist but all the years we were married I thought it was just something wrong with me. It usually doesn't bother me too much except around this time of the year.

Unfortunately, whilst I was distancing myself due to my guilt and shame from my health, they probably felt pushed away. I tried to get us to family therapy but no one attended. Can't change that now. I honestly can't wait for Christmas to be over for another year. 😩

Donkey and Shrek are pretty wise I say @Hope0011 🙂

I always struggle with people that use a person's mental health against them - it never sits right with me and it's not okay.

I have a friend and their pattern gaslights them a lot - he also comes off as a bit of a saviour to their kids. I know (from talking to my friend and just from being around them) how difficult it is for her. It is also confusing for the kids because they aren't old enough yet to understand the full picture and how it is playing out. Being married to a covert narcissist would be extremely challenging and like you said they are good at making people feel like there is something wrong with you.

I feel like a lot of people can relate to your feelings around Christmas being a hard time of year. There is a thread called Christmas Loungeroom on our Forums (with many thanks to @Zoe7) that you may find useful as Christmas approaches.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

I saw that thread and I'm really grateful it's there.

Hi all,

I've posted a few times now about my trepidation with Christmas.

Last week I didn't know if I was going to be alone or not.

Turns out my 4 young adult daughters are going to join me for Christmas Day breakfast in a park with my 2 dogs and I have been invited to a friend's place for dinner which is great.

I would love some insights into how to navigate breakfast. I'm feeling super anxious. I had a falling out with my 2 oldest kids. After years of me not implementing boundaries I was so burnt out I blurted out some terrible, pent up stuff. They went from thinking I was the bees knees when I said yes to everything to us being estranged.

After 14 months of not speaking with 1 of them, she has agreed to come to breakfast.

Here's my quandary. She has said she will come but not pretend like nothing happened which she thinks is what we always do. I don't agree with that. We have seen each other at events and I have been civil but those are not times where we could discuss what has happened. I tried to organise family therapy but not 1 of my 4 kids came. I've tried to organise chats but she hasn't wanted to see me.

I'm really concerned she will actively try and ruin the morning. She has a history of that since she was a kid.

Things are so precarious and I am blamed for everything that it's becoming super stressful.

I have organised Agile Care via psych triage as a help whilst my psych is on hols but I woukd love some feedback.

Any ideas @maddison @Eve7 @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Zoe7 ?

Hi @Hope0011 sorry you are feeling trepidation about upcoming Christmas plans. It sounds as though there is lots of history & unresolved hurts that have resulted in you feeling understandably cautious.

I don't mean to downplay your experience - but what I'm seeing is a huge win. Your daughter's are open to spending time with you.

I cannot comment on the intricacies of your family dynamics. I understand that you are experiencing hurt - I suspect that they are too.

I think the park is a great neutral location. It will be fun for the dogs!

Perhaps, if I could offer any advice - based on what you have described, it would be to go in with as little expectation as possible. Try not to categorise your daughter's remarks as a potential threat to ruin the day. We each see things differently. Is it possible that she is saying this as a means to create her own boundaries - to spend time with you, in a way that she can feel most safe?

If you disagree with her remarks & feel that previous occasions have been unconducive for honest discussions, that is fine. Perhaps what she is saying, is that in order to have an ongoing relationship with you - she is asking that you be open to acknowledging her feelings. You don't have to agree with them at all! Perhaps you can choose to voice your opinion or perhaps you can let her talk herself silly, till there is nothing left to say - & then be done with it. Start fresh?

I do have a sense, that as you are the Mum, and will basically be confronting 4 daughters, it could bring up feelings of feeling outnumbered? (This is only my imagination) I don't mean to generalise, or be sexist - but women can be hard! We are emotionally intelligent, & at times can tend to hold on to things, that men, on the other hand are not phased by. I imagine that it would not be an easy situation to walk into.

If you can, try to enjoy the day with all the gratitude you can summon. This day is for you. To see your family & pets in the park. Try to see past any issues when they arise. Breath in the fresh air. Remember all the people who are alone, or worse.

Maybe, you try downloading a gratitude app & listen to it the days leading up?

I know it is not all as simple as that. Family issues are complex. It is only one day. Make it the best day for you💛

Thanks, @maddison for your reply.

I think I need to try and stick to the facts, not imagine what might happen(which is tricky because this is based on our past experiences) and yes, be grateful that they are turning up and I have the energy to organise this.

Even just 2 months ago my mental health was not well enough to have thought about doing this - that's a positive.

Hi @Hope0011 I think that is a huge positive💜 it is really difficult when our mental health holds us back. I won't be seeing any of my family this Christmas. I think it's too mentally traumatizing for me.

I'm sorry if any of my advice came across as being wrong! Its very difficult online. I don't know anything you have been through - or how your daughter's have made you feel.

I'm not a parent.

I know parents do get blamed for everything! That is unfair.

Maybe you need to find a balance. Feeling assertive & empowered vs. turning the other check?

Nobody has the right to make you feel intimidated, or emotionally abused.

Maybe you could combine gratitude & setting out clear boundaries of your own about how you expect to be treated at Christmas.

Did your daughter's overstep boundaries in past experiences? Perhaps it is ok to let them know what you need from the relationship as well?