ever wonder why

You ok @tonys ? No need to reply. I only wanted to send you a big 'mind smile'...incase you needed one.

I'm not sure what I wrote to you in the middle of the night. It doesn't matter.

I never really thanked you for your previous letter. You put lots in there that was healing for me to read. I think you gave a small piece of yourself as well . I was in a particularly messed up place. Having your support, was special & appreciated.

It made me feel calm, to read that 'laying it on you & connecting' was effort enough. I put lots of pressure on myself.

It was a special gift that you saw thru my discomfort & could hold me. You have a most generous way. I adore that about you.

Thinking of you, as always & keeping you safe, as best I can, in this funny heart of mine.

*I don't think you mind me sending you random messages? Sometimes, I want to talk to you.

No reply is👍

maddison xx

A gift for you on this day

You know why

Or should I say

Festive times for

festive measures

To me you are

A box of treasures

Hi @tonys

Another year fading to an end, my friend. Was your day ok? Mine was...? Goodness knows.

I saw a spectacular vision, I don't think I will ever forget. One day I might share with you, if you are inclined.

You are a special (friend) hmm not sure, is that the right word?.. accomplice..?

I might have had a teeny dance just now. I saw you for a second.

Ok. Part 2.

Dear @tonys

My friend.

Through my words alone, you chose to send me a beautiful, heart felt poem. I am the same. I was lucky enough for our paths to cross. The effort & thought you believed I was worthy of, well, that is mine forever. Thankyou my very special friend.

Now.

Here is your Christmas present. Wrapped in invisible love... Just like the wind...

Raindrops like feathers fall upon my open heart.

The morning awakens me with her glow,

Seeping through tears

Empty Spaces, pathways to flow.

Crinkling green tall pointed grass

Dancing together in soft wind

Houses and children in circles they play

Mist filled air, dewdrops, early spring

Toppled toy blocks

The Joy as they fall

With backs turned, I see them

Blue moments behind me

Deliberate Placement I see better than before

Echoes familiar in caves underground

The words I don't see, are nowhere to be found

Embracing shadows dependent

Cool sips of warm wine

Flavour on lips, my mouth, it's own brain. Touch Gently.

Flocks of grey angled birds, like arrows

Rush through me.

I look up.

Mesmerised.

Hope it rings for you.

Merry Christmas Tonys

Maddison

@maddison Oh my... You walked the empty streets for those words my most precious person,

News in brief first........ Back to the farm, city lights a distant glow in the mirror . Went to the orphans picnic in town. Ate the food, manufactured a smile, and didnt have fun till i scarred all the kids giving them shoulder rides and playing town monster..

Back to farm, exhausted, swapped pressies, and marvelled at what the book keeper and staff had done.. A long long day.. Where ever i went,... you were there.

Upon reading your words , sleep with out some form of sustenance for you was never going to happen. A simple Christmas poem from me,, for you Maddison, Forgive the hour and haste.

A left shoe..... a right shoe

Without each other , what could they do.

Through valleys and mountains

So well worn but true

Hand in hand sharing lifes trails with you.

I walk in your shoes and you walk in mine

sharing our bread, sharing our wine.

Healing our hearts with the passage of time

Our sunrise serene , our sunsets sublime.

Paired for life , these well worn old shoes

All it imparts All it imbues

Safe and warm with your shoes on my porch.

hearts bathed with light from the flames of our torch

Two hearts one mind... mates for all time...

Tucking you in to bed , sleep my friend sleep... tonys moon base one

I

@tonys

@maddison Hey there Maddison , How did you pass your day. I'm avoiding asking how your Christmas was, The deepest note on a piano reverberates the polished timber.... You will tell me in your own time i guess .

You did say you had a strange vision. Kids sharing a mixed bag of lollies. Please reveal my friend.

loved your poem. . A treasure, no ones ever called me that. Thanks mate.

Hope you got my poem. A midnight special . If only shoes could talk hey.

My computor seems to be determined to send me to an early grave. The screen freezes and i cant even turn it of. I had to disconnect the battery, reconnect it, .. and it fixed it.......... for a while.

But the battery and wires don't seem to want to fit back in, so it now looks like a sandwich with to much spaghetti in the middle , no flames or smoke so I will type while i can . Bit weak today, might have overdone it this Christmas.

How are the pussycats, spoilt and purring i'm sure. The calves are spritely, bright eyed, and sticking close to very patient mums. Good to be back..

When the wind blows in the right direction, please send a kite to me and let me know how your world is , Hugs and kisses from every me and all the creatures on moon base one.

Miss you mate

Thanks for taking the time to kite me @tonys my treasure.

You want to know how my day is... How grim is grim? I'm hanging in there, or not, who can tell anymore?

The shoes were wonderful. Not my favourite topic - though the sentiment was adorable...

Maybe I will tell you my good news. I almost noticed a very pretty bird singing today.

I had a text from a friend, one of those maybe type friends. She is ok - bosy. Can be a drain.

Christmas Day started off ok. Then I was ridiculed & the rest of my day was sad.. The dancing was good.

Oh another good thing that happened today, I was reading your steam engine poem again. The ending makes me smile. I know how it ends.. I get lost in the subject matter & the cute ending gets me.

This is me.

Write back to me, please, please, ple...

hello @maddison Boy you cant trust the big machine can you. lucky i dug a little and found this letter you sent. It didnt come to my email box. Cant mount my campaign without reliable intell

and my orders in hand are , send the whole flower shop to Maddison county.

Ok , now i know how your Christmas went,

A new bird song to feed your senses. Yes ,.. birds in flight and song are a portal to another world. Take to the wing my friend.

In rooms filled with strangers , the song bird is king.

In search of a queen with which it can sing

Fleeing from the ballroom shedding your gown

Spirits of forests await with your crown

Friends bringing faces of old paper flowers

scrap books thrown from there ivory towers

No longer you see when they laugh and they mock

Your soul has flown north with the rest of the flock.

Does that about cover your Christmas day.

The end of the 'Trains' poem , well mate you gave me that poem with just one word i would never have possessed had i not met you. Its yours and yours alone.... evanesces. Keep it you and bring it to life when ever cant quite hear the joy of the birds.

Rusty wind mills move inside me knowing you are sad. Every one gets sad , but your not just everyone anymore. You've got the penthouse in my mind.

ITs a big old hotel . Unlock a door with another word in your magic purse and who knows what lies beyond, Lines on the highway all moving, better close my eyes..

tonys moon base 1

You have no idea how much I needed to get this letter from you. I have been so sad I feel like I can't go on anymore. I'm so used to feeling happy & peace, I don't know how to continue to cope with so much trauma. I went to sleep last night praying desperately that today would be new. And it's not - is still here. I don't know if I'm meant to runaway from it, all I want you do is escape. Am I meant to be it's vessel. I'm terrified of everything. I'm angry at everything. Everything lies. And I'm only me. I'm one tiny person. I don't have friends. I don't have resources. I don't have money. I have to rely on the help & support of others and I don't feel safe or secure.

I can't stay here. My housemate started using ice again yesterday. He has been my only friend for almost 20 years. I like him more than I liked my own family. I believed I would live here with the cats for the rest of my life. I guess I'm really grieving the love I've lost now

I'm terrified & confused about my future. I know what the government assistant options are. This has been going on for months and months. I am completely overwhelmed. My hopes go up, & then I get crushed. Over & over again. I know I have to go. This is not healthy for me.

I appreciate that I'm in your penthouse, and all the flowers. It was the kindness I needed more than I could ever express. I don't believe I'm anymore special than anyone else, - feeling like I matter to you, makes me happy.

I feel lots better after reading your letter & writing back to you. I still want to die. Not suicidal. I want myself back. I feel like I'm in agony & tormented. I want to put another foot forward. I don't know how. I lost all my courage & I don't know to get through today & I can't think about tomorrow or weeks ahead.

I think if he wasn't here. It would be much easier. It's all fucked.

Forgot to @tonys you!

Love to you

@tonys

Stargazing beyond a dream

The hurt we feel belongs to me

@maddison Oh Maddison , big men cry too... It was almost as hard to read as it was for you to wright. I hope everyone reads it and has a good think about what we loosely call society. Why cant there be some one right there to just hold you tight and make it right. If you could see my face ,... well you would know that i think you.... are special. People are put through trials to test those that are in a position to do something, to step up, give comfort and shelter. For those that are close, Know you, have shared words, the frame work of your community,..... NOW IS THE TIME. ... Your hour of greatest need.

I could say your letter came as a surprise, but we both know thats not true.. The fabric of your depth ,........ you have to cut your lips on chipped tea cups to to know the land of nothing. That is why you are special to me mate.

Now..... we both know im to damaged to offer all sorts of answers. That is the realm of sane workers, A good advocate , and medical professionals....

What i can do is tell you some things i did . and do to survive, and i am one tough S. O. B.

You see i never had friends, or family either. Most of us that live on the wrong side of sanity dont. I never ever live my life expecting my home to still be there at the end of a day. I always buy a car that i can put a mattress in, Its my last line of defence. Old wagon , van, whatever. Sounds like over reach, But at the end of the day , flood often follows rain.

If even the smallest whisper in my gut says run... Then I RUN.. Keys , wallet, Phone...

I even sleep with them under my pillow. Knocking on doors, I just keep on being a serial pest till someone give me the right answer. I have rented out my cottage and have boarders

from time to time but sharing a home,.... Thats a book for another day.

A PROBLEM. I deal with problems straight away. other wise you have to endure them for another day and then you will still have to deal with it..... ..... Deal with it...... Put it behind you... Get on with the next thing... ICE.. the hand grenade of all addictions.

That would put me on a war footing. Remember everything you have to carry you through this battle is inside you....... maybe a suite case and some cat boxes well ok. When you go to war,

pack only what you need. There are the 'lucky Australians' Then there are us and I live life on a war footing everyday, Its that thinking that keeps me happy. Use this to build your armour, Always Know that even when you are alone, you are not. I'm there.

I'm Going to feed the pigs and chooks , and ..... what is that trying to break my door down.

Oh No, the goats got loose. I WILL BE BACK LATTER TONIGHT. tonys mb1