9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

There was a person at the place I work who used to always say "Stop whinging" whenever I mentioned something that was affecting me or others... it really got to me as one of them things you really should not say to someone who needs to reach out to others... sure there are those who'll be parasitic and want to keep you as their personal sounding board for everything and we should all learn to assert our needs before those people become an issue, but to tell someone to stop whinging when they are trying to express something that is really making them uncomfortable is just non productive...especially when they are a person who might be struggling because they have never had their needs met in the past.... they may have gotten suicidal because nobody wanted to listen or they thought nobody cared. Food for thought though... if they are just babbling on and on and no matter how much you've given them to help them and they become attached, sometimes you need to let that person go... it is risky but we need to look after ourselves too, and don't leave them out in the cold so to speak, but offer them alternatives such as a mental health support place nearby or a group that meets or whatever you think might help them.

just get a job...

just go back to study...

take this supplement it will cure your (schizophrenia, depression, etc) it cured these people...

pray

go to church

god is all you need etc

think positive

let it go

you are just attention seeking (latest instalment by now ex "friend")

also as per above person - you are a drama queen, sends memes & writes "lol"

as per above - I am stupid, but don't know I am stupid

You don't look like you have depression (but agreed I had schizophrenia - job agency)

you will need to take medication for life

stop taking your medication now

you need to take more medication

hedonistic

(victim blaming for sexual assault - don't even talk about it anymore...)

just exercise (when medication is causing weight gain & I start eating less & I'm still as depressed as ever)

have lap ban surgery (psychiatrist - only slightly overweight from meds - history of anorexia, EDNOS)

All I can think of for now....

As for what people can say as a few have challenged in this thread...

Listen - people want to feel heard - "I don't understand, but I'm here for you" - if they are a friend or family member they can educate themselves on your illnesses especially when you give them information (& then lie about having read it) -if you are a health professional or working in the field - they should know better... unfortunely empathy & compassion can't be taught at university....

Never say to someone who tells you that they remembered they were sexually abused as a child - "How dare you wait over 30 yrs to tell me"

That is what my mum said to me when I told her of my abuse.

A friend who is a retired police officer told me once - you need to get over your parents

Why are you going to hospital for meds changes

I wish people would understand mental illness and I have always wished my parents would understand but they don't.

Hello everyone xx

1) Get over it !!!

2) Go to church more

3) get up and do something

4) just exercise (when medication is causing weight gain

5) YOU ARE NOT PRAYING ENOUGH

6) You don`t look like you have depression

My personal favourite

TIME HEALS!!!

When empathising and trying to help others through a dark period and mental health issues, first I always listen with my heart, try to relate and support as best I can. I think the important thing for anyone suffering mental anguish is to feel "fully heard", to have "their pain acknowledged with genuine empathy". If that is present and happening for the sufferer "whatever is said will be accepted as "good intentions" - not as "being judged". Not being spoken down to, but words said out of care for our welfare. That is the important differiation to make to know whether the wrong words are said to us at the time.

If anything needs being said I will revert back to what helped me survive a total mental breakdown and will use that with compassion and taking to mind the persons particular circumstances as a guide in what I say. When it comes to helping my daughter's mental issues it's never what she wants to hear at the time - it's never "the right thing to say according to her because she's doesn't want to hear it or do it at the time". Give us a break.

It really depends on the individual sufferers circumstances as - "what is wrong words for one might be right for another".

We can't offer a rule book for the right or wrong things to say to those who suffer mentally as everyone is different, their circumstances are different, and this calls for a different response, words or action at the time from those whom know us best. People who are close will mostly speak the truth because they act in our best interests. Those that truly love us or care. That's what I found on hindsight when very ill and it was sometimes very painful to hear.

The main thing is to know the difference of those who truly care and those who are just judging and critiquing. The former we can trust. Advice from those who care may "not always be what we want to hear". That was the case for me when I had my breakdown and at the time I thought they were just being judgemental and didn't care because my judgement was out. It's important to have people around us that we know truly care and that we can trust and take that advice on board otherwise we can spiral downwards.

With honest self evaluation of advice given when ill helped me to rise above it. I took on the good that was within my capacity and rejected the rest. it's very personal. I would see it as being unconstructive if no one helped or advised others because of "the fear of saying the wrong thing".

Unconditional love does accept the person as they are but never accepts self destructive thoughts, actions and choices that leads to the demise of the loved one. And out of love we speak out. Sometimes this can make my daughter angry and is "never the right thing to say" according to her. But sometimes tough love is called for. As yes, sometimes we need a wake up call before it's too late. That's the reality I know and have experienced.

The worst thing said to me when I was at my lowest was "stop whinging" from someone I thought cared and trusted to open up to. Never did that again. It's knowing who is good for us and who is not; whose advice we can trust in those dark times that can make or break us and who to steer clear from. Sometimes we need to think what is said through and make a honest evaluation, regardless how painful and then accept if good for us or reject if not. The best advice we can offer to someone struggling is always honest, based on life experience and straight from the heart in my humble opinion.

To me and what I have learnt, it is not about the right or wrong thing to say to someone suffering mentally, it's about speaking the truth with compassion out of love for the sufferer's welfare. Then ultimately its up to those of us who struggle with MI to make sound choices based on the right advice to help ourselves. It's a two way street, a journey that is not easy for the sufferer or those who care for them.

Well said, @Former-Member.

It's hard to know the 'right thing to say' but I think it's always worth a genuine try. I think when I had a complete breakdown, I would have really loved someone to have taken charge a bit, to call the doctor for me, make the appointment, then drive me to the doctors and sit in the waiting room with me, gently patting my wrist and showing concern.

I would have liked friends to say "Come over to my house, stay the night, I will cook for you and you can just talk. Anything you say will go no further than my ears. I am open to listening."

I would have liked someone to call in sick for me, talk to my boss and arrange for me to have a month off work, then make sure I got to my medical appointments to get my sick leave certificates... then posted them into my boss for me.

It would have been great to have someone go to the chemist for me and pick up my meds.

It would have been so much easier to have this practical support and I believe I would have recovered much sooner.

As for what to say.... just take someone seriously, as you would if they had a physical illness. Listen to them and keep them talking. Hug them.