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9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

I'm fairly sure most of us have been there. That gut-wrenching, hot-under-the-collar feeling of hearing someone else's insensitive remarks about MI.

A lot of the time it can be our own friends and family trying to do right by us. Other times it can be people that simply just don't get it.

In this article, 9 Things not to say to someone with MI, the author, Tartakovsky, explains that many people don't know what to say because they've not learned how to respond to MI. She provides examples of nine common remarks people say and how to respond. Here's a few of them (go to link provided for full article):

“Get busy, and distract yourself.”

“With significant mental illness, [distractions] won’t work, not even temporarily,” Howes said. After a person slogs through various diversions, they’re still left with the same issues. “Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away.”

“Do you want to get better?”

For mental health blogger Therese Borchard, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to her. While she knows the person didn’t have ill intentions, it still had a powerful effect. “It implied that I was staying sick on purpose, and that I had no interest in pursuing health, not to mention that I was too lazy or disinterested to do what I needed to do to get better.”

“Change your attitude.”

While a change in perspective can be helpful, it doesn’t cure conditions such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD or schizophrenia, said Howes. And changing one’s attitude isn’t so easy either. “It’s incredibly difficult for a high-functioning person to change their attitude, let alone someone debilitated by an exhausting mental illness.”

What are your thoughts? Is it best to teach others what to say? Or are we fighting a tiring battle? What are some of the insensitive remarks you've heard and how did you respond? @SCORPION I thought of this topic after reading and commenting on your post. I'd love hear your thoughts on this. Any thoughts from our active contributers @Uggbootdiva @kenny66 @Loopy @kristin @Alessandra1992 @kato @PeppiPatty?

248 replies

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In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

@nik Nik

Cool to hear from you :0)
I've become addicted to 1. Crochet with hand spun wool
2. Hand sewing placemats

So I, working in a fortnight two 9hour days so can pay for my obsessions and also pay for a bill or three. I'm extremely excited about paying for the hand sewn placemats......I'lle post them in a sec.
I've also been making some necklaces which sell too........

My home is clean. Taking Arlo to the vet on Thursday. reading Tim Winton's latest book.

It is interesting in that not reacting immediately to my ex husbands latest decision.

admission on his relapses.
It reminds me of all those days where he worked so so hard to take that extra step before he'de get support from his two old supports and fall back almost immediately.
I can see though that if he reaches into the new supports we found for him, he could be offered:

1: meaningful volunteer work
2: work as someone with lived experience.
3. Intelligent associations.

he has got to work it out himself.

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Agreed. "You just need to think positively you are what you think" well if you have been through the things I have you would feel same way I do.

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

I have had this comment many times as a teenager and it was so hurtful and made me so angry.

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

"You just need to get out there, your never going to meet someone if you stay at home, a guy isn't gonna just come knocking on your door"
Iv always hated people saying this to me.

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

@peace you said the most worrying thing is people tell you it's all in your thoughts. That's what my psychologist says. I find therapy is not helping because I feel I can't just change my thoughts. I feel like she thinks I want to feel this way and it's my fault I'm not getting better. I want to stop going but I don't know what else to do. My physical symptoms are getting worse and I'm withdrawing from people as I feel like a downer. Any advice? Most people just say go see a therapist. I've seen more than 30 in my life so this makes me feel hopeless. I've seen this latest one for almost a year. I've really tried to stick with it. I just want to give up

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hi @Struggling, first off welcome to the forums.

It's hard when you feel someone you're seeing that is supposed to be helping you doesn't seem to understand what's going on. I was seeing a psychiatrist weekly for ages but never seemed to connect. All he would say at the end of each session was take a walk, get a part time job etc. Really good suggestions when part of my problem was even going out my front door. Thankfully some psychologists I've seen since were a bit better than that, though it was a terrible day when the best one I was seeing was forced into early retirement by cancer.

I never connected with anybody until I started talking to others with mental illness. Someone who has been there always seems more accepting and understanding about our own issues. In the end it made it a little easier to open up to others, my GP & psychologist, and get a better treatment plan in place.

I don't think it's all in our thoughts, more in the way we perceive & react to them. Things that others can ignore or throw away seem to stick with us, sitting in our mind & affecting everything we do & say. Then there are our own memories which can take such drastic & devastating control of us. How can we change this? No idea myself, still looking for the answers.

You don't say what your diagnosis is or how well it is being treated so any real advice is hard to give. Have you spoken to your therapist about how this comment makes you feel or strategies for dealing with it all? I really hope you can work through this, though I have to admit I haven't seen my psychologist in over six months because I just didn't feel a connection.

Take care, keep safe!

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Keepers it's like this is how I feel @Draco you are right completely. I saw a Psychiatrist in 2004 and ran away she was so annoying ____now I'm waiting for an appointment to see a Psychiatrist I've got those fears all over again

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

@coffeegirl Totally agree. Though I do not suffer from OCD, which is a crippling condition, I do get fired up when I hear the term used so flippantly by people who have no idea how damaging labels can be. A lot of people are careless with their words. Words may be lies, but even lies can hurt. I am always careful with what I say because I have experienced the damage of what a few words said to me can create.

One of Lady Gaga's songs has the lyric "love bipolar" I find this offensive. Does anyone else, or am I being oversensitive?

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

@PeppiPattyI've only seen one psychiatrist since then & only then because my GP wanted his advice before changing me to a stronger medication. I guess if things go downhill again (though I'm ok right now) I'll have to see him again simply because I don't think my GP would be comfortable with the next step. If my current meds end up failing there's only one thing left for me.

Back on to the subject of this thread, heres a list of more than 60 things not to say - while it specifies bipolar, the list covers just about everyone with a mental illness.

Take care, stay safe.

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Ok heres my response
What questions can be asked instead?
Also distraction does work, yes it's temporary but it breaks the nueron connection for a moment instead of strengthening it. This is why EFT tapping works momentarily.
I've been in crap spaces and it takes practice to get our of them because they are so well ingrained. Empowering ideas is to understand that you have a choice with what is running on your head. It's hard to realise this and again hard to break, but it can be done.
People try the best but I haven't heard "what to say instead yet "
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