FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Our stories

9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

I'm fairly sure most of us have been there. That gut-wrenching, hot-under-the-collar feeling of hearing someone else's insensitive remarks about MI.

A lot of the time it can be our own friends and family trying to do right by us. Other times it can be people that simply just don't get it.

In this article, 9 Things not to say to someone with MI, the author, Tartakovsky, explains that many people don't know what to say because they've not learned how to respond to MI. She provides examples of nine common remarks people say and how to respond. Here's a few of them (go to link provided for full article):

“Get busy, and distract yourself.”

“With significant mental illness, [distractions] won’t work, not even temporarily,” Howes said. After a person slogs through various diversions, they’re still left with the same issues. “Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away.”

“Do you want to get better?”

For mental health blogger Therese Borchard, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to her. While she knows the person didn’t have ill intentions, it still had a powerful effect. “It implied that I was staying sick on purpose, and that I had no interest in pursuing health, not to mention that I was too lazy or disinterested to do what I needed to do to get better.”

“Change your attitude.”

While a change in perspective can be helpful, it doesn’t cure conditions such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD or schizophrenia, said Howes. And changing one’s attitude isn’t so easy either. “It’s incredibly difficult for a high-functioning person to change their attitude, let alone someone debilitated by an exhausting mental illness.”

What are your thoughts? Is it best to teach others what to say? Or are we fighting a tiring battle? What are some of the insensitive remarks you've heard and how did you respond? @SCORPION I thought of this topic after reading and commenting on your post. I'd love hear your thoughts on this. Any thoughts from our active contributers @Uggbootdiva @kenny66 @Loopy @kristin @Alessandra1992 @kato @PeppiPatty?

248 replies

171 - 180 of 248
1...171819...25

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hi Mr @loopy,
@Pixie.
@rick@kenny66.
@kato.
@Suess
@kristin,
@suess

......@Suzi @annie1268 @Ellie
I'm going to be upset who've I've forgotten so there you are, but your names keep on being chopped out

All others,

How are you ?

I've had some interesting news in past 10 days and would like very much to share with you.

Now most would know of my journey with my ex husband....... Childhood sweetheart. I've written about him, we married about three years ago. He was Diagnosed with chronic paranoid schizophrenia at 17 yr..... I blame both hospital and Psychiatric team and his mother 100% for the break up of the marriage.

mindful though that 30% to him for not taking responsibility of his diagnosis but having compulsive behaviour......
anyway, my Mum and I are getting along well now. I went to see her and she says she's got a card for me from him. she says he's going to church .........he's lost a lot of weight......
the card says:

"dear.......I'm on the methodone program and quit drinking........."

golly, I said to Mum. It's been 2 years... so, I wrote him a Card back. then we talked on the phone. I felt like my heart was very big and thumping.

when he hung up....I calmed myself down and felt.....yeah...he's doing it but he's not doing enough. He's getting support only from safe places. and only going to two places for support. He's told me he's had a few relapses.

Though on the phone..I said that it's all about balance. But upon reflection.......it makes me feel that I've heard it all before.
I wrote back and asked him not to call me again but only write to me through letters.......I've worked very hard to have my very little life but it's mine and no one yells at me anymore.


what do you think,???
Can anyone advice??

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hey @PeppiPatty I think you have chosen the best path for you already..
You've been kind and considerate but very aware that you've been working hard on managing yourself..and I think wise to set your boundaries up early.
Letter writing can keep you in friendly contact with each other..

Change takes time and I am sure if he is being respectful he should understand that you need this boundary for now..

Good on you for establishing a path for you!

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

You think so @alessandra1992. sandy ?
The problem is that he's doing so much?.Not going back on all the support that we established.....he's gone back on getting support from his Mum and Doctor.

so, it's sad for me because this suort is not good for himself.

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hey Anne,

I agree with Sandy (and your good self). This is such a hard thing to do - keeping the boundaries in place which keep us safe from people who've abused us. Some of us can be so compassionate and caring for them and their needs, wanting to affirm their work on their "stuff", that we forget to do this for ourselves - we trade it for supporting them.

If there is room for your boundaries to be respected, as you have set them here, then there might be some hope for friendship. If he cannot respect this then he cannot respect you. if he cannot respect you then he cannot love you.

Keep up the great work taking care of you my friend, this is really painful stuff.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Nodding.@Kristin has explained it better. @PeppiPatty your ex is going his way and you are going your way. Your paths may cross via friendly contact via a card or a letter here and there..
That is how I read your post, that it is great that he has been working on his issues, but you do not need frequent contact and you do not need to speak to him if it is not helpful for your wellness.

I think his journey will as it should, be his. You don't have to agree, disagree..He may have just wanted you to know he is trying. Great. So now you know.

Your mum has a bit of knowledge about him, you don't have to write to him either if it is not wise for you.

Trust your instincts...if you don't want contact then don't reply to his calls or letters..

And, childhood sweetheart.. Well maybe that's where he belongs..in childhood and not in adulthood..

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Dear @Alessandra1992 : Sandy @kristin

Yeah.....okay,
Why does this happen....so much to take in but seems like how or.....where's he gone to get support is so old and......
Archaic.
curses. is this MI ? Forgetting where's he's getting support from when we worked so hard to get him 'meaningful ,' Volunteer work and really new exciting support............is this MI in that he's gone to get support from his crochettty Mum's doctor ? it makes me feel he never took in all that really hard work we did together......

Anne's rant for the day and I worked 9 stupid hours......

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Perhaps his journey means he has had to prioritise what he is working on, such as his alcohol or drug issues..
It means that he is maybe doing what is best for him, for now.
Whilst it may be frustrating for you, I think that is one of those situations where we learn to let people follow their own journey..
Addictions are hard to overcome, so in the spirit of emphasising what is..he is working on that...and try not to take his choice of travel personally..

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Dizzy with tiredness from working yesterday....keep on reading your messages but. To going into my consciousness.....Ille write tonight....
Thanks.
So good to be able to write to understanding people xx

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hey there justanother47yr,

What a big lot of news for you.

It can be a bit of a surprise or fright when you have left a bad situation, suffer, grieve- manage, walk on by- start to get your life back on track...then bamb! You get word from them or some one else gives you gossip about it all.

It can muck you around a bit- its obviously happened to me once upon a time too.

Do you normally work for 9 hours??!! Or did you push your self a bit more? Hope your feeling a bit better today too. And i think just keeping contact to a written or typed version is a good idea.

Baboo

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

hi @PeppiPatty

What a dilemma you have and I must say, you're handling it well.

I think your post would get a lot more responses if you started a new thread. It's a bit off topic and your post may be getting missed!

Would you like to start another discussion & copy and paste your post from the 16 March?

Nik

171 - 180 of 248
1...171819...25