Not Coping

Well, my smile, that I'm kind, compassionate and caring, I would say I have some level of intelligence, I guess some people would say I'm pretty, but I could just go down a rabbit hole with body image.

I'm a good cook. that's all I can think of @creative_writer

Not much. I'm just thinking of all the bad things that contradict what I've just said.

I hope the post below isn't too long. I'm sorry.

I guess so. I tried to help my younger cousin a little, but I wasn't that much help.

I would still prefer not to have gone through it @creative_writer

Mmm, I guess so @creative_writer

Hey @Eve7

How are you?

Do you have a busy week at school?

@Blackbird11 my God daughter and her mother work at a supermarket close to me and I saw my God daughter. She stared right through me and turned away so I know she will never reach out to me. I don't know what her mother said but I can imagine it won't have been kind.

To be brutally honest I really wish the 3 of them had passed away, it would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. Knowing I'm being talked about in an unfavourable way to mutual friends and having my God daughter not acknowledge me is like ripping my already torn heart open.

I deliberately go to another supermarket to do my shopping now so I don't see them, and I no longer go to the same church I attended for 8 years because they go there. I knew this woman for 10 years and I know how she talked about other people. She will be saying the same things about me. As my mother said of her, she's always been economical with the truth. I can't defend myself because she has always been the sweet victim, single mum fighting to raise her kids on her own with an abusive ex husband. All a load of bullshit but that's the story she spun to garner sympathy.

I haven't spoken to anyone about her, my aunt thought she was the best thing since electric toasters and always praised her more than she ever praised me. She even alluded to it being my fault when our friendship ended. Fortunately my mum set her (aunt) straight and my oldest friend and brother know what my ex friend is like but nobody else believes me when I tell them to be careful of her, they think I am just being bitter because she cut me out of her life.

I'm rambling I know but it's nearly 12 months of build up and I haven't really talked about it much to anyone except @Birdofparadise8 who has been so kind and patient in listening to me.

So thank you for listening to me, I feel better even just getting it out. I need to take my own advice and write a letter to her, then burn it.

It's getting late in the east so I hope everyone who is heading off to sleepy town has a good sleep and may y'all dream of love, light and peace ❤️💡☮️

Yeah, it would be hard seeing them at the shops. I'm sorry she looked through you.

Oh no, you had to leave the church as well. Gosh, she has really stuffed things up for you.

Is there any way anyone can talk to her for you who still knows who you are?

It's only 9 pm I'm not going to bed yet, so we can talk for a bit @ENKELI

@Birdofparadise8 thank you. Nobody wants to get involved. I asked a friend of mine, we had been friends for years and I introduced him to my ex friend. I asked him you know what I'm like, can you please just say something to her? And he replied, no, she's been a good friend to me and I don't want to upset her. It's like being bullied all over again, you try to speak up but no one believes you. And those who are on my side don't want to get involved. I'd love for my brother to say something to her as he works within walking distance from the supermarket she works at but he doesn't want to, he doesn't see the sense in saying anything.

I even spoke to our pastor and while he sympathised he has since left the church we attended and has nothing to do with her anymore.

The last person was my psychologist who again met ex friend through me and our church and she told me that what I said about ex friend was rude and that I need to be careful what I say about other people. She then unfriended me on Facebook and said unless I want to see her in a professional capacity and pay $120 an hour then she didn't wish to speak to me. I told her that considering she sided with ex friend and not me why would I pay her to tell me I was the bad person and in the wrong? I've no idea what she replied because I haven't read it.

Most days I can take a deep breath and try to move on but this weekend was hard because I was going through a box that I had left packed from when ex and I lived together. I knew it was going to be difficult because the box is full of trinkets and photos, letters and stuff from the 3 of them. I just got overwhelmed and then when I was sorting put my summer clothes I found a top and pants my Godson got me for my birthday. He was so excited when I picked it out and when I wore it for the first time he was jumping up and down, so proud that he picked something I liked.

I pray for him constantly as he was neglected by his mother. She spent most of her time either playing on her phone or with my Goddaughter and she had said to me she never felt close to her son like she did her daughter. I loved the kid to distraction and we spend a lot of time together. I found a video of him on my phone the other day which made me cry.

Within a month of my telling me she no longer wanted to live with me my Godson was expelled from his school for lack of anger control and I know had I been there it never would have happened. He knew my room was a safe space and he would come to me whenever he was upset or angry and we shared so much that he felt he couldn't tell his mum.

Damn I'm trying to hold back tears just thinking about my boy 😓

Sorry to offload all this, how are you coping at the moment? Did you have a decent day?

Wow @ENKELI

That is a lot. I'm sorry no one can talk to her for you. Are you able to write a letter to her and put it in her letter box?

I did that for my cousin when we were having boundary issues.

Wait you went to church with your psychologist? And you followed her on Facebook? That doesn't sound like very good boundaries to have.

Mine won't even hug me. Is this the lady that would hug you?

Yes that would be hard going through items you shared together.

I pray that you can reconnect with your godchildren in the future and I'm sure they will appreciate it.

Aww I'm so sorry @ENKELI

I hope you’re okay.

Ehh up and down. A few years before but I decided to do some study so I wouldn't continue to cry.

I wrote a long post a little while ago about my bullying.

I'm just reading a book at the moment it's called things I wanted to say but never did by Monica murphy