Not Coping

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@Birdofparadise8 wrote:

I'm not sure. I don't feel any better. I just feel like I've wasted his time.

He said when KHL or I offer support, you shut down and don't want it.

Like, I do want it, but I just don't know how to be vulnerable. It's so hard opening up. I didn't really feel anything, maybe empty.

No, I haven't accepted validation. We just spoke about how I don't accept it.

I'm literally about to say the same to you. You are saying you are proud of me because I really don't feel proud of myself in any way.

but thank you. I'm sorry that's what I'm thinking,

I just got back home, and my roommate is still not up.

Yeah, I'm sure she will let me know who I can see instead.

It sucks that it's maternity leave. Meaning she could be gone for three months or a year or longer.

I've only met them once, so I'll see how this meet-up goes. They all seem nice so far.

I wish my roommate hadn't been in her room the whole time. She hasn't been out all day.

I'm just sitting here working on my assignment, which I hope to get done.

Something I talked to my psych today was how my aunt and uncle never texted me to see how I am.

I wish they would. I'm always the one who has the message them. It just sucks that no one cares about me. I never get any messages from anyone, not just my aunt and uncle. I'm always the first to initiate contact.

I highly doubt I'll find someone who will message me first.

In my 20 years of being here, it's only my parents who don't count as they have to. Well, mine are overbearing, so on the other end.

But friends and other people, nope, never.

Sorry, affirmation is really not my thing. I'm so bad at it. I'm feeling a lot of negative things right now.

Hmm, I haven't. That would be scary. I'd seem needy asking them. I don't want that. I already feel guilty enough as it is when I talk to them.

I really want to have a chat, but they are so busy. My aunt even said so last year that they might not be around as much and I shouldn't rely on them. I was upset when she said that. She said it was because of work. It made me so guilty after that. Even though they've said I'm not a burden, it gets very confusing. Unless I misinterpreted what she said, then that could be it, but I'm sure she said that.

I can't help not having friends and being lonely and sad. I can't help being suicidal. It's not in my control. I just want it to stop, but it won't. Everything seems pointless.

@Jynx

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@ENKELI @RiverSeal

Sorry they are long @ENKELI @RiverSeal

That's why I didn't want to re-type it all. I hope you both don't mind.

If you're interested @Birdofparadise8 this is Kati Morton and psychologist in the US who does some great YouTube videos and has her channel. She has this video on CBT and it could be worth taking a look and checking in with your psych next time you have a session. https://youtu.be/g7B3n9jobus?si=EnsSpIXRrqSgjriU

I had a date with a guy from India too, a while back. My friend is from India!! Do you like Indian food?

Hard to know what to work on first but be guided by your psych and what they think.

RiverSeal

I like her as well. She is really good @RiverSeal

I do, but not spicy.

I see him on Wednesday.

All good @Birdofparadise8 🙂

@Birdofparadise8 I understand how you feel about no one initiating contact. It is the same with me. The only time my family contacts me is when they want something. I don't have a lot of friends and I am the one who has to contact them as well. I used to take it personally but I don't any more. Me being upset at how they act doesn't change anything, it only serves to make me feel terrible.

I am still processing the end of my friendship from April last year. It is getting easier and I don't cry every time I think about my former friend and my Godkids but it still hurts like crazy. I still have bad thoughts at times.

You have to learn to accept it and that is hard to do. You have to work hard at things unfortunately, there is no magic quick cure. It sucks, I know. I have been rejected by every single man in my life including former partners and family members. My dad does it best.

I'm glad you talked with your psych, remember unless you speak your mind people aren't going to know you're upset or that what they have said has hurt you.

I encourage you to look into CBT. Treat it like a uni course.

There are a few sites online that have suggestions and you can always ask your psych for worksheets.

Okay, I'll ask him when I see him next week @ENKELI

Yeah, it's hard. No one messages me first. It happens everywhere in my life it sucks.

I don't know how you do it without being hurt by it.

Have you finished @RiverSeal

@Birdofparadise8 it didn't happen straight away. I had to change my way of thinking. I also told my brother how it makes me feel and he is like a safe space to throw my thoughts at.

People are busy and they become wrapped up in their own lives so they don't think that their actions might affect others.

Don't get me wrong, I still get pissed that I have to reach out all the time but I choose not to let it upset me so much. It's a matter of changing your own thoughts, which is where CBT comes in. I also do a lot of praying so my faith is a huge help to me. The hardest part is struggling at the start and not seeing anything change. It's like getting fit - you can't expect to run 20km the first day but the more you work at it the easier it becomes.

Still here until 10 pm @Birdofparadise8 🙂