Not Coping

I am here to chat @Birdofparadise8

How has your day and week been?

Good to hear from you Laura xx

Looking forward to chatting soon.

Hi @Melbcoffeesnob

Last week was good. Since last night, I haven't felt great. I've been flat all day. I'm really sad and feel very alone. I'm trying not to cry again. I don't understand why I feel like this when I have nothing to be sad about. It's just siting here in an endless void.

How have you been?

Nice to hear from you @Birdofparadise8

I've had down my moments as well so know how you feel, everyone says it's the happiest season of the year and I don't know about you but I just feel so overwhelmed with expecting to be happy and cheerful - all this pressure is at times just too much.

I am about to go hiking in Malaysia this Friday, so today I have been really busy gathering all my remaining hiking supplies, I went thrift shopping today and found some cool nikes on sale (perfect for walking). I have kept my mind occupied.

Do you like to go thrift shopping? Sometimes it can be really good if you are having a bad day but sometimes it can be too much with rummaging through things, one of those things you have to be in the right mind frame for.

I also went to the gym and went to a new cafe to reward myself for getting to the gym (it was really good just to have a simple friendly conversation with the barista) Sometimes these little simple things help me to get through the day. So good not to discount the little things each day that can really impact your mood.

How are you going with work? and was there anything last night that upset you?

I look forward to your reply,

Coffeesnob

Yeah, I guess the "being happy" bit is being around family. I'm not really around anyone being at uni.

I still don't have a job yet. There's nothing to apply for in hospital admin. No, I'm not into thrift shopping. My aunt loves it, but I can't get over the smell. I'm a bit of a snob @Melbcoffeesnob

I don't know; when I feel like I am, my motivation goes out the window. I don't understand why I could have a few good weeks just to crumble. I've just started going through my photos as my Mac is saying my storage is full so I'm deleting a whole heap, and it just hurts looking at myself and how happy I was at the time and not what what that Laura was going to face. I have some from my grade 10 graduation and how I thought all the bullying then coming to an end would be the end of "badness." then year 12, when I turned 18 I have some photos of my first cocktail with my "so-called friends" and I was semi-happy because of how complicated the friendships were. Then the leave for dinner. Same there, smiling and unaware of what would happen for the next two years. It breaks my heart to see how happy I was and how much pain I'm in now.

I don't know if you want me to explain why I say "so-called friends" it's a bit complicated and stems back from 13 years of bullying. I can tell you if you want to know what happened. It might make more sense as to why I say semi-happy and stuff like that.

Sorry, I go on tangents sometimes.

That sounds like a nice day. Malaysia sounds fun as well. I hope you have fun. How long are you going for?

Relationships are complicated at times @Birdofparadise8 *sigh*

I would love to sit here and say it gets easier as we age but some people stay their same toxic selves. All we can do is learn from each person and situation that comes into our lives and decide what we do and don't want in our lives.

From what you have told me, it sounds like you are growing, learning, and finding out what you do want within friendships and what you don't want in friendships. That is a good thing, you sound incredibly mature to have figured that out already. I'm in my 30s and have been only just figuring this out in the last 5 or so years.

I am hiking in the Borneo jungle for 2 weeks, going to see all kinds of wildlife including monkeys and orangutans. Really excited!

Is there anything that you can do this evening for self-care? What things typically bring you joy in times like this? Have you eaten dinner yet?

Yes they are. I never got to have proper, meaningful friendships at school like my peers. It was an awful time for me. I had situational relationships. People were very controlling over me, and they would only let me hang out with them if I didn't talk, give them food, sit a certain way, not sit with them in class, and so on.

Yeah, my one and only friend I've made this year. He is so nice. I'm really lucky to have met him.

Wow, you must like camping @Melbcoffeesnob.

Ehh really gross veggie gnocchi thing. It didn't turn out well. I'm trying to find something to watch. Do you have any suggestions?

Hey @Birdofparadise8

How are you doing?

Hi @Blackbird11

Not very good. How are you?

Want to chat about it @Birdofparadise8 ?

I am doing ok, I had a good appointment at max employment and celebrated Recovery Collage turning 1 🥳

That's cool. How long do you go there for @Blackbird11?

Since Sunday, things have started to go downhill. I'm not motivated at all to even do simple things. My mood has plummeted, and I'm crying a lot more. I'm really struggling again. Last night I was looking through old photos, some from when I was five up until 18 and how, at times, I was happy and oblivious to what was to come. Especially the happy one of me at five years old. I was so innocent, but no, only one awful thing after another at school kept happening. I'm so sad and alone; literally, I don't have anyone. I'm unsure as to why I'm crying right now, and I want it to go away. I'm safe.

I'm currently working on the Lego Bonsai Tree. I've done nothing again all day other than have a shower. Yesterday, I at least tried to cook a horrible meal. Why can't I just be happy? I feel like I've gone back from, say, three weeks ago. I have had so much motivation the past few weeks and have been somewhat happy, but that's all gone.