Going through your old personal stuff

Hey @ArraDreaming,

I can’t say I can relate personally, my life has been the other way around. Uneventful, run-of-the-mill childhood, but a very difficult adulthood. I do understand what you’re saying, though, and I would be intrigued as well. Hindsight makes things seem so clear, that you wonder why it wasn’t clear at the time, especially to those around you. I also think it would be very unsettling to read what people thought about you when you were going through things that you yourself did not understand. I do remember going through something myself and overhearing what the mental health professionals were saying about me and I was shocked. I was very shocked that that was how they saw me. And if it is not positive, can be very painful.

I have a tendency not to look back at things, because they are very traumatic for me. In fact, I do this very much and to my detriment. But I don’t think that that is a very healthy answer to managing things either. I think that if you feel the need to look back, then look back. We just need to make sure that you are in a safe space, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Are you ok? ❤️

@Former-Member

I’m ok, it’s just a lot to take in and revisit

Sometimes I just don’t know when to stop.

The paper that I was reading today dated back to when I was about 12. Which doesn’t seem that long ago to me. They were talking about my living situation, my behaviour at school, my relationships, how I interacted with people, it’s pretty much a summary of exactly what I know but from someone else’s eyes.
There is lots of these reports in here going all the way back to when I was very young.

Readjng some of this paperwork has helped me learn more about my mum and dad, both good and bad….

I didnt know so many things that I know now especially about how my mum advocated for me as much as she could even though i didn’t know she was doing that and that for her it was really hard but she did what she could

it was really hard for my mum to function day to day but she did try at times

Yes, a lot of parents act in a way that they feel is going to be most beneficial at the time. I am sure that you would advocate for your two little cherubs. I do for mine too! That doesn’t mean that we don’t get it wrong sometimes as well or have our weak points.

I think as well, that society as a whole are learning more and more about mental illness, behavioural differences, and other areas of wellbeing. I think that, in the past, a lot of behaviours that were seen as different, were put down to choice and family responsibility. That hindsight doesn’t raise what has already happened, unfortunately.

What is it that you’re reading? @ArraDreaming

@Former-Member
For sure, I’ll always be the voice for my boys when there’s isn’t loud enough ❤️

Yeah, so for context, about 2 years ago I contacted Freedom of Imformation, and I got a lot of documents and paperwork sent to me surrounding when I was in care mostly. I wanted it because I wanted to read more about what I was like as a kid.

I have put it back in the cupboard now but the particular thing I was reading was a report made on me which had recommendations for what the school I was at needed to do to help me. Not a lot of it eventuated, I don’t remember getting much of that help. But I was also very “non compliant” apparently so that could be why. Interesting to read their perspectives/observations on why I was this way…

it’s taken me until adulthood and possibly that I am a father now, for me to realise that mum made an effort, and yeah her effort probably wasn’t enough in fact I know that it wasn’t. But she tried her best. I won’t get into all the detail about mum and dad but yeah I couldn’t see it at the time but looking back there were times she fought for us even if we didn’t know.

Are you finding what you are reading helps to put some of pieces together about who you are, and where you were at right now?

And yeah as children and young people it’s hard to see some of the “behind the scene” things that are happening.

I think it’s good that you have recognised that you need to put it away for now. That shows a lot of introspect 😌

@ArraDreaming

It does help, it helps that it’s like putting words to things I didn’t even know were a trauma response, or a way of attempting to obtain an adults attention, and my attachments etc, like as I kid, like with every kid my reasons for doing certain things were very black and white, or very like simple because I didn’t how the knowledge or emotional intellegenice to know the actual reason why I did XYZ. Like, for example, if I kicked another kid when I was 6, that’s because I was angry - but what was going on deeper for me to feel the need to lash out like that. I did that lot. That’s when this is kinda helpful because they’ve put it into words my 6 year old self didn’t have. They also missed a lot things a lot of stuff went on that nobody would have known about, or maybe they did know without anyone having to say anything, I dunno. But yeah, I’ve rambled, but people have been able to put in words why my actions and responses to things were the way they were.
I tried to light my school on fire when I was 14. I ran away from school to get more matches and then try again (I laugh now because it was so pathetic) but a normal kid doesn’t do that. A lot of the teachers, actually, 99% of them just thought I was a shit. Some of this paperwork actually explains why I did some of those stupid things - not my version of events which would have been something like “I hate everyone” but actually informed person thinking about the context of my entire life and why my behaviour was so screwed up at times
@Former-Member

That is so amazing that you can have that insight and build on that. Sounds like you have lived a very colourful life! Maybe you should start to write some

of this down. Your experiences might even be able to help others down the track. Just a thought….

I am heading to bed soon. Hopefully we can chat more tomorrow.

Night @ArraDreaming 😴

Colourful is one way, I wish I could give my younger self a gigantic hug and tell him that it will get better

Me too @Former-Member time for bed here too