@Appleblossom wrote:
@Former-Member short version - lack of support (even tho I have been working hard to set it up) loneliness and long term consequences of serious grief.
It does help to see a few people respond to my thread. thanks
This is what I thought @Appleblossom. I have been there and I understand. I want you to know that I will always be there for you no matter what. I hope this eases your burden a little. No one should go through what you are going through, what I have been through, alone.
My psychologist of 5 years ago said to me if she was given a dollar for every patient that told her they would not be on medication if only they had support she would be a multi billionaire. A sad reflection on society really. I found the same - little to no support. I did have a husband there but he was going through his own hurts and stressors with our daughter. So basically I had to struggle alone. This is why this forum is so needed and a positive thing.
From what I have read of your posts my friend - a lot of your scars/grief relates back to your ex-husband. And the lack of support you receive from your son and girlfriend on this matter and generally; - the latter person seeming to inflame your pain this way a lot. And your good heartedness being used and abused. It's not on.
I am glad you said no to the driving of your sons 80 yr old friend. There is a big difference between helping others and being taken advantage of. It's the right thing to say no at times.
What I really believe would be good for you right now is to get away from it all for awhile. Just hopping in the car and driving into the moonlight for an adventure. To enjoy life again - to laugh again - to do something fun and good for you. To be carefree for awhile. Where you will have no triggers or reminders of your pain. No stress or pressure for awhile. And no competitiveness when in groups or socialising. No responsibilities for awhile. Just doing what you have always wanted to do and set off into the sunset. Simply soaking up nature and its perfume of peace. It invigorates the soul where along the journey of life it has become so complicated and painful. Now it's time "to simply be somewhere peaceful". Visual this - does it uplift you? If so let nothing stop you if it is at all possible.
There are many retreats that you could explore - they could be nature get-always, hobby retreats (where no competitiveness exists, just mutual pleasure in the interest), spiritual retreats if that's your thing, or bushwalking ones etc - so many. Just to get away somewhere that intrigues you and you can find some time to get you back - in touch with feeling some contentment again.
Have you ever thought about a cruise? I have a friend who lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack (she is 55, he was 48). After some initial grieving she was starting to feel overwhelmed and she would explode with stress over anything. So she decided to go on a cruise to the islands on her own (her way of being in an environment to properly grieve as well), and did meet some friends this way. She is much better and laughing again.
I have another friend whom lost her family through estrangement (over inheritance) and she is single with no children. She was deeply depressed. She just packed up her car and dogs and found a nice place and went camping by the sea. She comes back refreshed and happy. They both do this regularly now. It doesn't cost them a lot either so it suits all budgets.
I had another friend whose partner cheated on her (he was also violent) and took her home. She just hopped in the car one day and kept driving and driving. Loved ones where getting worried about her. She ended up on the other side of the earth - Darwin (reminds me of Forrest Gump abit, lol). She knew no one. She rented small acreage there, bought some horses and ponies started a business, made new friends and has been there now for 8 years and loves it. She has just started a new relationship with a man as of yesterday - I wish her the best she deserves it. Sometimes though when things gets too much and overwhelmed we just need to get away a d take a risk (maybe not that drastic though, lol).
What really picks them up and gives them reprieve from their grief is getting away, having fun and learning to laugh again. The latter is so important. Myself and friends go out once a week and do just that. We have a relaxing good time and it helps our mental health no end. Our problems are sometimes there when we get back but we are stronger to face it after having some reprieveit. It's a sanity enhancer. And it needs to be with people who do not trigger us but whom value us - or just go out ourselves alone and enjoy events.
It's absolutely vital to do something to distress or life/grief will overwhelm us.
When your son and gf brings up subjects such as "you should of tried harder" (excusing violence where there is no excuse) - walk away. Make it clear that this is not up for discussion - block it out. If they are not going to be sensitive to your needs and welfare that's when you protect yourself. Keeping an emotional distance. This is what keeps me going.
I make a strict rule to myself that when I do get away or am enjoying peace and quiet - I won't talk about on dwell on my grief and problems. Even if just for a day or two if that's all I can manage. It helps keep that equilibrium and aids towards healing.
But there are also those days we need to get things off our chests. Please know you can always do that here. You will always be respected and listened to as here you are highly valued. Have you ever had grief counselling?
Other than that getting away and having some fun and laughs is the best therapy. And meeting different people this way, surrounding ourselves with positive respectful individuals who may be in the same boat this way, eases the lonliness. And that in itself is support.
What do you think @Appleblossom - time to take the plunge? It's time for you now my friend, to value you and surround yourself with individuals that make you feel that way. It's time you had your share of happiness - putting the past to one side and everyone else to another for awhile. It's your time to heal. Sending you warm hugs and much love - your friend OTE xxx 💕
