Struggling so hard

Thanks @tyme

I’m sorry that you’ve also been through this.

I’ve been relying on myself my whole life and it really arm hurts that the people I went to for help have turned their backs on me… which they say is not the case and that’s just my brain telling me that, but I can’t seem to see it any other way. The trauma that this has kicked up is breaking my soul and anything I want to do to make myself feel better will mean they will kick me out for good.

My heart is breaking, and I don’t know how to keep going.

You are here @Ghostrider - we are happy to sit with you. I hear it is hard at the moment - so very damn hard. But there IS a reason for it.

Yes, being 'kicked' out from support and therapy sent me to breaking point. Yet at that precise moment, it was also when another part of me kicked in to say "Hey, you're on your own. It's your turn to take hold and practice any strategy you've been taught. You can do it. And when you have done it, you can say it was all YOUR effort and no one else's"

It hurts @Ghostrider - I have felt that searing pain. But it will be worth it. I've come out the other side of it.

Hugs, tyme

Thank you @tyme it helps to know I’m not alone l, although it really feels like it right now.

i feel like I haven’t been given any skills to help manage it and right now I feel like my heart is being ripped open and I don’t know where to put that pain.

Are there any skills that you found useful when dealing with this?

Thank you again so much for your support.

@NatureLover I think they’ll probably say it’s an ED thing which is why all of my activities aren’t allowed to be exercise related, but it’s so hard coming up with ideas fo do that don’t involve the things I love 😢

I had to face it head on @Ghostrider . I knew my treating team were not going to change their mind. So after a good cry, a good whinge, getting upset and angry, I decided to just move on.

I practiced radical acceptance to accept the thing I could not change. Rather than fight against it and get worse, I accepted it so that I could do something to better myself.

I connected with a peer worker, I connected with a psychosocial support worker. And I made myself talk about how I was feeling - not to get angry at the team, but to get it out of my system. I told myself this was something I needed to benefit and learn from - and I did.

I was then admitted later, and this time, the top unit manager came and spoke to me for about an hour. No one dared disturb the conversation. I felt absolutely heard. The unit manager even said, 'We want you here more than anywhere else.' I was so comforted. To this day, I will not forget the care from that manager.

But I know if I was upset and angry, they would not bother to spend time speaking to me. I needed to show them I was doing something to get better.

---

@Ghostrider wrote:

@NatureLover I think they’ll probably say it’s an ED thing which is why all of my activities aren’t allowed to be exercise related, but it’s so hard coming up with ideas fo do that don’t involve the things I love 😢

---

I can empathise, @Ghostrider 😞

Hey @Ghostrider I can relate to your struggle with stillness. That is in part why I excess exercise also. It helps to keep me safe. If I’m exercising I’m not doing destructive things. But I also excessively exercise as part of my eating disorder too. I’m trying to learn new things that can help keep me safe while also working on recovery…. But it’s dam hard!

@Bow It’s like if I’m not moving my brain just won’t switch off. If I’m hiking I can focus on all the things around me and it distracts me from what’s happening in my brain. This also happens with gym, I just feel more connected with my body instead of being at war with it.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this too. Have you found any activities that work for you?

@tyme I’m so glad you that you were finally heard and getting the support you needed.

my team keep insisting that it’s just a break and I need to prove that I’m committed to recovery. The meds I’m on keep making me sleep though so I’m missing meals and I’m terrified that they’re going to say that I haven’t done enough. I feel like such a failure and that I’m letting everyone down including myself. That my stupid brain can’t do the simple things.