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Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement. - Tell us about your loss? - What 3 things you miss most? - What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load? - What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before? - Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others? ___ WHAT IS GRIEF? GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.
@BayLee. Welcome to the forum. hoping you and your child are okay. While we never really get over the loss of parents/spouses/children, we get to a point where the pain does seem to ease. I still 'hear' my dad occasionally saying unkind things, but I have successfully managed to block him out over the years. He passed the year before Elvis, my kid's dad passed the year before. We were separated, but I still felt it because I had to find a way of telling my 6 year old daughter she wouldn't see her dad again. If there are unresolved issues between children and parents and there is death either child or parent, then the remaining person has more difficulty accepting the death because of the unresolved issues. Anger and resentment flare easily because of this and when there's no outlet depression kicks in. It's quite an emotional roller coaster and finding ways to cope with hurt unresolved issues are hard. My mum passed 21 years ago, leaving everything to my brother, it hurt but through a psych I was seeing at the time, I realized mum had actually done me a favour. My brother was/is an alcoholic/druggie in and out of work, jail etc. Had mum realized me in her will, brother would've used stand-over tactics to procure money from me when his share ran out. This way, once he was again broke, he had no recall as I had nothing. I did look at contesting the will, but it would've cost me more than it was worth. However, through her death, I did regain the family I had lost. Mum had 3 sisters, they welcomed me, but shut the door to my brother. I still harbour some resentment/anger with parents, but that's because I was denied love. I wasn't wanted and this knowledge hurt like Hell. Again, through my psych I was able to work through this and become whole and peaceful with myself. I was married, that failed, but I know I did not cause that to happen. Outside influences caused that. I now have a wonderful bf who is there constantly. I also know I could survive without him as I have been taught by him, that, while he is a huge part of my life, my life does not revolve around him. I can't say my journey has been easy, I have 'fallen' many times, but sheer determination makes me stand up and dust myself off. To 'work through' life's difficulties, first of all you have to make peace within yourself. Forgive yourself for not always staying on top. We are human, falling is part of growing. Never be afraid of falling and never be afraid to ask for help when things get too hard.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
BayLeeCasual Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi Pip , Thanks for your warm welcome. It's helpful to know I am not alone and now here with others and have already felt the support that can be gained by contributing to a forum. Many years have been spent talking to counsellors and Psychs and have always felt there was something missing, somewhere to discuss our journey with others.
I understand how you must have felt in the situation with your brother and now understand as to why your mother chose to do it that way. A mothers love & protection still there after her passing. A similar situation happened in our family , my mothers sister received my grandmothers estate , my mum was ok with it and could see how my aunt needed it more than she did, however there was another family member who did not agree and their relationship more or less ended over it. Sad, but it is what it is.
Once again it;s about finding peace within , others may not get it , but that's how it goes and I try to remember that when I can't see the other siide of things at times.
Thanks for acknowleding my daughter, she's the one in the middle - literally - she was her fathers stated favorite child but now excluded as she chose to live me , if it meant her being a part of her family and feeling that she belonged I would have pushed her to go and worked through it as best as one could, however, it did'nt go that way as much as I have tried to do the best for her and now she has a tough road ahead mentally & physically to make the most of her life as best as she can.When she's well ( which is not often ) she thrives being outside and taking up every opportunity to enjoy herself despite a lack of friends who could not cope with her ongoing illnesses. She craves for her siblings company but unfortunately they have the ' get over it, get yourself fixed, & get a job ' mentality as does her father.
So we both grieve and its hard as it is ongoing, seeing them out and about locally and as they ignore her hello's it's a constant hurt and a daily struggle to understand how it is and the feeling of being unwanted as you have shared. I can understand her fathers attitude towards myself but to have the same towards his child is so difficult to make sense of. I don't think she will find the smallest amount of peace until he passes and then she can finally grieve for the father she so loves..
This is the first time I have discussed this with anyone so as I sit here crying finally whilst typing I feel a sense of relief and thankful that you are here for me today.Has'nt been the easiest of weeks . it was my sons 21st last week and miss him more than he will ever know, It is what it is.
Thankyou Pip, take care...
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi @BayLee. That 'get over it' attitude mainly arises through lack of education regarding any form of MI. Years ago our pioneer women had to simply 'get on with it' when their hubby's were gone for days at a time. Children had to behave or face the consequences. Mother's had to be 'tough' to survive. Some of these attitudes were passed down to the children, who in turn passed it down and so on. The father's were seldom home so little relationship existed between husband/wife/children. When they were home, some fathers tried to establish relationship with their off-spring, but lack of understanding children's needs meant discipline over ruled affection. My g'parents were in the 'children should be seen' etc, my own parents were similar. Todays' fathers' do try to build relationships with their off-spring, but trying to understand MI is like learning a foreign language and men in particular often do not have the patience or skill necessary. The 'get on with it' attitude is simply because their mothers' did 'get on with it', therefore what worked for mum should work for all. I'm not sure of your daughter's age, but perhaps you could help her write her father a letter telling him of her achievements. Sometimes fathers' need to see to believe. I'm sure he loves her, it's just that MI makes her, to him, unknown quantity. He is also possibly a bit scared through not understanding her.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
BayLeeCasual Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Thanks for you response, agree with you and there being limited insight into MI. Overall, she's ( 23yrs) , a fighter and just keeps on going , goes down quite a bit when the physical illness sets in as it has over the past 3 months and then battles her way through it & the associated MI to come out on top until the next time. So proud of her ability to keep going on over the past 10 yrs. despite the many challenges.
It's getting late, take care..
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
You guys are so REAL, I've enjoyed reading & having a sense of 'normal' around my own existence and your different ways of coping. xox
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
@Appleblossom, when did your sister pass? I received a brief of the coroners report about 2yrs after my girl died, it was so hard to read. Not a lot of detail there. I have been meaning to make a double apt with my GP to read it with me, explain the bits. This could be an option for you, its a horrible thing to do alone. I'm lucky this GP has post grad counselling SI must do that (when I have the spare 'upfront' payment of $110. Haven't opened the papers since. There's this voice in my head "what's the point??' And I feel so guilty that I wasn't more on top of her asthma and my depression. It does bring it back so don't do this alone Apple, plan something really nice to do (after the reading), not a party of cause, just something like a balloon ride or train trip or coffee with old friend, preferably not Aline. If so, you have us but do tag me because I just can't keep up with the threads. How are you going otherwise? Thanks for your support lately too, means a lit. Be gentle on yourself, xox
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
GRIEF AND THE HEALING PROCESS Grieving is hard work, you will be experiencing emotions on a deeper level than you have ever done before. You will feel more physically tired than usual. You may feel helpless, hopeless, and unable to concentrate or handle your usual day to day routine. Loss of appetite and sleeplessness can make this worse, leaving you feeling out of control and confused. These are all normal reactions to grief.
Crying is an acceptable and healthy expression of grief for ALL family members and helps to release built up tensions. Tears do help in the healing process. The amount of tears, however, is not the measure of the depth of love.
GUILT Guilt is a normal part of grief, surfacing in thoughts and feelings of 'if only'. In order to resolve this guilt try to express and share these feelings and learn to forgive yourself.
ANGER Anger is another common grief reaction, anger at professionals, life, God and even your lost loved one. Like any other emotion anger needs to be expressed and shared in a healthy acceptable manner. Talking these feelings over with a trusted person can help.
RELATIONSHIPS Family relationships are changed. Each person grieves in their own way and in their own time. Be sensitive to the fact that your partner may grieve in a different way to you. Some people grieve openly, others privately and alone.
Children may withdraw or show aggressive behaviour. Their school work may suffer from an inability to concentrate. Be as patient and loving as you can.
SPIRITUAL MATTERS After an unexpected or 'sudden' death, it causes some to challenge and examine their faith or philosophy of life. Some people find their faith helps them to accept the unacceptable, others do not. Try to find a caring non-judgemental member of your faith to discuss this with.
COUNSELLING Some loss is so great, some feel they have nothing left to live for and many think about release from the intense pain, especially with sudden or traumatic loss. Be assured many feel this way, but know, in time, the intense pain does lessen and a sense of purpose and meaning returns. However, wanting release is a sure sign you need to reduce your stress levels, slow down just a little, be kind to yourself more, walk daily & eat nutritious food, have massage... adapt your lifestyle. Talk regularly with someone you trust - if the intense feelings persist - you may find professional counselling helpful.
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
The Compassionate Friends Victoria, Australia (for families after the loss of a child) 267 Canterbury Rd., P.O. Box 171, Canterbury, Vic. 3216 Telephone: 03 9888 4944 Freecall: 1800 641 091 Fax: 03 9888 4900 www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au Email: support@compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
This month would be my girls 19th Birthday. I miss her. She should be here. I want to take her out for her B'day, organise a party, buy something nice... Its still hard to tell myself I can't, so that feeling lost is closing in and every time one of these dates come round - it brings it all back, the bad stuff. Then there's Christmas, Australia Day the date of her passing. Three months back to back knocks me round. I've come to dislike summer.
Below is a paper from Mayo Clinic to help with anniversary dates.
GRIEF, REMINDERS & ANNIVERARIES Grief doesn't magically end at a certain point after a loved one dies. Reminders often bring back the pain of loss. Here's help coping — and healing.
When a loved one dies, you might be faced with grief over your loss again, and again — sometimes even years later. Feelings of grief might return on the anniversary of your loved one's death or other special days throughout the year.
These feelings, sometimes called an 'anniversary reaction' - aren't necessarily a setback in the grieving process. They're a reflection that your loved one's life was important to you.
To continue on the path toward healing, know what to expect — and how to cope with reminders of your loss.
REMINDERS CAN BE ANYWHERE Certain reminders of your loved one might be inevitable, such as a visit to the loved one's grave, the anniversary of the person's death, holidays, birthdays or new events you know he or she would have enjoyed. Even memorial celebrations for others can trigger the pain of your own loss.
Reminders also can be tied to sights, sounds and smells — and they can be unexpected. You might suddenly be flooded with emotions when you drive by the restaurant your partner loved or when you hear your child's favorite song.
WHAT TO EXPECT The course of grief is unpredictable. Anniversary reactions can last for days at a time or — in more extreme cases — much longer. During an anniversary reaction you might experience the intense emotions and reactions that you first experienced when you lost your loved one, including: - Anger - Anxiety - Crying spells - Depression - Fatigue, or lack of energy. - Guilt - Loneliness - Pain - Sadness - Trouble sleeping
Anniversary reactions can also evoke powerful memories of the feelings and events surrounding your loved one's death. For example, you might remember in great detail where you were and what you were doing when your loved one died.
TIPS TO COPE WITH REAWAKENED GRIEF Even years after a loss, you might continue to feel sadness when you're confronted with reminders of your loved one's death. As you continue healing, take steps to cope with reminders of your loss. For example:
Be prepared: Anniversary reactions are normal. Knowing that you're likely to experience anniversary reactions can help you understand them and even turn them into opportunities for healing.
Plan a distraction: Schedule a gathering or a visit with friends or loved ones during times when you're likely to feel alone or be reminded of your loved one's death.
Reminisce about your relationship: Focus on the good things about your relationship with your loved one and the time you had together, rather than the loss. Write a letter to your loved one or a note about some of your good memories. You can add to this note anytime.
Start a new tradition. Make a donation to a charitable organization in your loved one's name on birthdays or holidays, or plant a tree in honor of your loved one.
Connect with others. Draw friends and loved ones close to you, including people who were special to your loved one. Find someone who'll encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups. Consider joining a bereavement support group.
Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions. It's OK to be sad and feel a sense of loss, but also allow yourself to experience joy and happiness. As you celebrate special times, you might find yourself both laughing and crying.
When grief becomes overly intense There's no time limit for grief, and anniversary reactions can leave you reeling. Still, the intensity of grief tends to lessen with time.
If your grief gets worse over time instead of better or interferes with your ability to function in daily life, consult a grief counselor or other mental health provider. Unresolved or complicated grief can lead to depression, other mental health problems and other medical conditions. With professional help, however, you can re-establish a sense of control and direction in your life — and return to the path of healing.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
BayLeeCasual Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi Tawny,
Nice to hear from you, Thankyou for your response and also just for being here and a big hug to you.
I really feel this has been missing from my life over the past 10 yrs, its one thing reading and talking to many counsellors and Psychs etc to help me deal with my many unresolved issues , it is such more beneficial to join in on a forum with others that have similiar situations going on and can relate to eachother in a postive way . I have had friends that have wandered off either from me dissengaing or them not being able to see any changes that would appear positive to them. There are days ( too many at times ) where I just cannot put on the happy face or at least an ok one. I just could'nt get the timing right when I did feel ok and there was no one there.
Yesterday as I started writing I was at home and avoided a family get together as I couldn't bear one more person asking how my other children were that I don't see anymore. Every time this happens, I think to myself , don't you get it , how can I know if there is no communication, do they have to keep asking, they've been told year after year, couldn't they ask someone else of how the situation is and leave me alone to get on with living. I ask myself is it time to let go of them, to stop living in hope and move on. I really don't know what I'm saying here, so much goes around in one's head at times and can be our worst enemy.
Tawney , this must be such an emotional time for you, If I could hold your hand and walk this with you I would, but we can't and we can't take our children out for their birthdays or be with them at christmas but we can take time out for ourselves and find things to do to celebrate our love for them. Perhaps go out for a walk somwhere nice, where there's not too many around and talk to our kids out loud. Take them on a walk with us . After the walk go and buy something special , an ornament, jewellry or just something small yet so special, buy a little cake ( so it gets eaten at the time ( no leftovers to last for days) , go home cook a special birthday dinner and light a special birthday candle. Play some good music and dance silly then when the party is over I would blow the candle out and say goodnight, take care & we'll talk again at christmas.... would this be seen as insanity or another way to handle our grief ?
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