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Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember15 Oct 2016, 7:10 pm AEDT

Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement.
- Tell us about your loss?
- What 3 things you miss most?
- What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load?
- What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before?
- Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others?
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WHAT IS GRIEF?
GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.

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In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 3:10 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@Former-Member. If your daughter died alone at home, it's possible the coroners report would possibly state something like myocardial infarction of the heart, which simply means a heart attack. If it was a stroke, the report would state words to the effect of cerebral haemorrhage. If it was asthma the report would state something to the effect of breathing difficulties brought about by lung blockage. Coroners reports are easily understood if you 'speak' the same language. My mum passed at home alone. I did receive a report, the original report went to my aunt (her sister). All the report stated was myocardial infarction of the heart. It also stated severe head trauma (bruising). She apparently collapsed while seated at the table, as she fell, she hit her head. Evidently death was instantaneous, she did not suffer. The bruising was post mortem (after death). If someone falls to their death, bruising occurs before rigor mortis. I would, however suggest you take the report to your Dr as these reports do not make for 'bedtime stories'. My mums report came about 6 months after her death. When they pass at home, there is always an autopsy to rule out 'foul play'. It is the law. Hope this helps you a bit. Dealing with any loss is hard, when the person who died is alone at home, it's harder because of what you have to prepare for. Quite often funerals are delayed till the coroner is through, this makes it harder. I've had to deal with death often, so have become a bit 'hard'. I still feel sympathy for those who deal with it. It's not an easy situation.

In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember07 Nov 2016, 3:33 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi Pip,
Your post annoyed me a bit, still, not sure why, maybe all th "if your daughter..." bits, but I appreciate your trying to help. xox
My precious 13yo girl fell unconscious in front of me, on the nebuliser, waiting for an ambulance. She never came back. The coroners report mentioned lung scaring & vomits aspiration. But so what? What's the point? Besides, even they get it wrong. Andvchallenging emergency systems and dr neglect was not in me. Also any furrhee xonflict would ompact those left, namely her bro
Anyone can DR Google findings & definirions but its the knowing human contact I think. Bye for now xox

@Appleblossom, you OK?

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 4:54 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@Former-Member Please, please accept my sincerest apologies. My intention was never meant to hurt or upset you. The coroners report is sent to the next-of-kin, as standard practise. As you said, that will not make up for your devastating loss, nothing will. Challenging the emergency systems and treating Dr's, as you said is a waste of time. Well-meaning people kept telling me to contest mums will, that wouldn't have changed anything, so I do understand your grief and anger. The report on mum did make me angrier as I 'blamed' police, ambo's, her friends everyone who simply weren't there. In your daughter's case the helplessness you felt would've made it harder. Her young age makes it even harder to accept. Unfortunately emergency services frequently get non-life threatening calls which also tie up their valuable time. Possibly unbeknown to you, the ambo's in question may have been put on the spot and asked to explain their delay in getting to you. While, I realize this too does nothing to help you, the ambo's possibly have had to go through another training session to help them recognize true emergencies from non-life threatening ones. I know ambo's regularly attend training sessions as part of their ongoing service. I realize again, this does nothing to help you, I wish I could take your pain away. I do hope your daughter is now at peace, I also hope you will eventually find peace knowing she is no longer suffering. Can I ask if you ever received word from them after? An apology or even a sympathy card.

In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 5:06 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi @Former-Member Something else that may help ease the grief. Have you thought about lighting a candle and just allowing yourself time to grieve. I actually kept a diary for a few years after my parents died. I would talk to them, tell them very private details of how I missed them. I shared things like movies that I knew they would've enjoyed. I talked to them about my kids, (they never knew them), but I still introduced them. Anniversaries, birthdays etc, I lit candles. Dad died first, he's been gone 40 years, mum's only been gone 21 years, but I keep their wedding photo and every year on their day I light a candle and wish them happy anniversary. Yes- I still weep, but it does help. I will always miss them, the knowledge that they're together helps. Try to look at your daughter before she became so ill, remember all the happy moments you and she shared. You had 19 wonderful, happy years, I realize she possibly was sick for much of that time. The joy you shared with her in her better times would still be in your memory.

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 5:12 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you had had her 19 years, I realize now you didn't. My mistake. I understand she 's been gone 3 years is that correct? She was only 16, I do beg your pardon. At 16 she would've been possibly considering her future. Did she ever make plans for leaving school? Was she gifted in any way, apart from making you the happiest mum ever? You do have that fortunate memory if you did share that with her, that she made you happy and you never had worries about her.

In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember07 Nov 2016, 5:23 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Relax @pip, I know you mean well. Details are hard to remember here but I tread carefully now because there's so many fragile people here. Don't worry, its all good, still getting to know each other 🙂

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

LSevenContributor07 Nov 2016, 5:48 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@Everyone

for me, dealing with death has been my biggest obstacle in life. Hearing the stories here has been very soothing to my journey. I envisage that this place is a safe place to express our feelings, and not be questioned too much. We should all have a chance to discuss our dramas without judgement. We can never understand the pain experience that another person is going through when presented with grief, as that experience is unique. I'm trying to smell the roses right now as life is still throwing challenges at me

In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember07 Nov 2016, 5:54 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hang in there @LSeven, ate you in early grief? It takes time for a he intensity to start dissipating. Be gentle with you.

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

DecadianSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:28 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@pip wrote:
Hi @Former-Member Something else that may help ease the grief. Have you thought about lighting a candle and just allowing yourself time to grieve. I actually kept a diary for a few years after my parents died. I would talk to them, tell them very private details of how I missed them. I shared things like movies that I knew they would've enjoyed. I talked to them about my kids, (they never knew them), but I still introduced them. Anniversaries, birthdays etc, I lit candles. Dad died first, he's been gone 40 years, mum's only been gone 21 years, but I keep their wedding photo and every year on their day I light a candle and wish them happy anniversary. Yes- I still weep, but it does help. I will always miss them, the knowledge that they're together helps. Try to look at your daughter before she became so ill, remember all the happy moments you and she shared. You had 19 wonderful, happy years, I realize she possibly was sick for much of that time. The joy you shared with her in her better times would still be in your memory.

Hi @pip

I was off-line for a few days and lost track of track of the story here for a few days - and I feel I must say something that is bothering me

There is a huge difference between having our parents die and having one or more of our children die - and unless I have missed something you haven't had one of your children die - I hope this is the case

I have lost my son and my parents - and with Dad the process of loss and grief was at first harsh - but after a short time I was at ease with it - my mother was different - I had never been close to her and it was terrible - the conscious part of my mind had accepted I would never have a good relationship with her but deep within me there was the child I was and that child had to give up and let go - this was hard - but still short of two years I have come to terms with that and now have no more that the normal feelings that the older generations normally die before us and this is the way it is

And I am not making any less of your grief - because I know about grief and the stages etc and I have to say more

The death of our children is a different issue - it is not normal for our children to die before us - and it's not something than can be made easier in any gentle terms - it is a terrible loss than cannot be overstated and I know I will never recover. I live around the death of my son and I am still wounded and torn apart at times

Lighting candles and prayers offered and given - flowers, cards, phonecalls and love all help - but there are no words that can be said that can console us - and in the last 30 years I have talked to many people - and immediately understand the heart of the bereaved parents and notice the horror of people who have not lost children - seen their fear of what it would be life - must be like - and understand this and know I will never end my journey - I will be searching on the day I die myself

My son died in Juvenile Detention - he was 16 and it was suicide. I have not had a diagnosis on his condition but I am beginning to believe he had Borderline Personality Disorder - on the borderline of Sociopathy - and he suffered terribly

Some people have suggested that there were suspicious circumstances surrounding his death and yet I know there was not - I know exactly what took place that night - and my search to understand his life and death has brought me a measure of peace that gradually increases - and I still feel this death - my loss

We expect our parents to die before us - but not our children - take it easy - I know you are grieving - but there is no comparison. When a child dies - for whatever reason - they take part of the future with them and there is so solace to be had - we have to find the strength to go on within ourselves and it will never be easy

Decadian

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:53 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@Decadian I do understand what you're saying, all I meant was grief is still grief. Whether it is losing a parent or child, the pain is raw and whether it is a child or parent, accepting the death is hard. I agree children should outlive parents, when they don't, no amount of well-meant 'words' take the pain away. At the same time, constantly questioning what could the parent have done, what should they have done, doesn't make it easier. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, death in custody, be it suicide or unknown circumstances is harder because you couldn't be there for him at his darkest hour. When that happens, you tend to blame the guards who, supposedly were watching him. My ex was a prison officer for 25 years, the amount of blame laid at the door of the prison for suicide is unreal. The guards themselves frequently have to be de-briefed as they tend to self-blame. I try to believe that a death from illness means the person (child or adult) is no longer suffering. Some children born with horrific illnesses suffer till death releases them. When this happens I feel a sense of release from the pain for these children. In Tawney's case, it shouldn't have happened. I do feel it for her. If I have upset or stepped on someone toes, my apologies. A cousin of mine lost both her children to suicide, one was a teenager, the other in his 40's. I sat with her day and night listening to her wailing over this. I was deeply affected, and cried with her. Okay, they weren't mine by birth but the love I had for them was as strong as the mothers'. Since then I've had to 'be there' for her. My cousin and I were closer than most sisters. Our bond was very strong. I guess that gives me a step to what you misunderstood. Whether the child is yours by birth or by blood tie, the bond is strong.

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