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Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember15 Oct 2016, 7:10 pm AEDT

Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement.
- Tell us about your loss?
- What 3 things you miss most?
- What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load?
- What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before?
- Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others?
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WHAT IS GRIEF?
GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.

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In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

DecadianSenior Contributor01 Nov 2016, 9:14 am AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi @pip

You have a lot of tough stuff there - your parents did die young - my father went quickly and easily after a stroke just before his 91st birthday - he was a man of faith and great dignity - and never have to go far to find Dad - he is deeply buried in my DNA. My mother died 4 years later at 94 - she was afraid to die and this was painful to know - and after a massive stroke where there was no hope of recovery she hung on for nearly a week and I saw no dignity there. I was sure her spirit had left and somehow she hung on with nothing but some drugs to keep her comfortable - and it was quite horrible.

My parents were young when I was born so I had them both until I was in my mid-to-late 60s

Personally - I think it would be different having our parents die when they have aged for I have no idea why the later years of our lives are called "The Golden Years" and watching my parents get older - but then - there were many years when I did not see them - then I saw Dad but not my mother - and all our lives are different - I could let go of my father easily - my mother was a whole other kettle of fish - it is hard to deal with the death of someone who has caused us a lot of unhappiness

Having your parents die so young would be hard because you are so young yourself - a fine point I only just discovered

But I have been able to put my parents' deaths aside and cease my grieving because they had to move on - it's the way of the world - but the death of my son is something I will live around all my life - I don't want to have those dark moments - those terrible mornings - the nightmares I can't always remember - but when he died a huge part of my own life went with him - part of my future - my heart still hurts

I want my ashes scattered over Port Phillip Bay - the bay has been a big part of my life always - and I want a lot of blue helium balloons released - very few people know about some of the useful things I have done in my life - hence - when I die let each balloon represent on good deed I did for Indigneous Children in Custody and Youth Suicide

When your parents died you were still very young and you need not hurry to be "over that" - some people say the most stupid things -

One thing I have is my mother's engagement ring. I can't wear it on my athritic fingers - but I have it in my box of special little things - in a little ring box. It doesn't have a use but I guess in time it will pass to my daughter and then to hers - passing something down is another way of having a place to grieve -

It's always okay to join the convo pip

Decadian

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor01 Nov 2016, 11:47 am AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@Dec I have absolutely nothing of my parents except some faded, worn photo's. My mother left everything to my brother (talk about favoritism). All the stuff in the house, linen, crockery etc were auctioned soon after she passed. There were 3 absolutely worthless rings which I have. Mum had completely disowned me long before she passed, so the actual death meant little. There were many unresolved issues which (with the help of this guy) I did manage to work through. When I met him I was extremely bitter, angry, hurt etc. Through his guidance and patience I was able to finally 'let go' of the hurt and I realized (again through him) that even if mum and I could've talked, the issues wouldn't have been resolved as she had no interest. There is no hurt anymore, a few regrets for what wasn't to be. But I have no issues as far as self blame. Mum made her choice, I've accepted that. I do know, I'm a better person because I can love unconditionally and I've learnt to forgive (not necessarily forget). But in forgiving there is also knowledge that protecting myself is not a bad thing. Forgetting what happened is harder because the lesson learnt, stays. Forgiving means I grow.

In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember01 Nov 2016, 12:07 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi Guys,
I love the idea of a GRIEF GARDEN. I have lots of little aunaments etc colours & things my girl would like, and I sit there. Grief has become very private for me, I'd rather share bits with some people but attempts have been futile.
This month is the start of my difficult run of ANNIVERSARIES. My girls B'day 25th, Christmas, She passed on Australia Day (suddenly), I don't look fwd to summers. My son is the only one whose come to her grave with me. Its still all too hard. And the cemetery staff have been horrible this year so not even I go there much now. I have my garden.
Big hug to all of you, group hug. Wish we could all gather for a dry & cuppa together. Stay strong 🙂

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

AppleblossomSenior Contributor03 Nov 2016, 2:17 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Thank you @Decadian for your offer of support. I received my sister's Ward of State file about 6 months ago and it took me a few months to read that bit by bit and take it all in.

As I am very fragile at the moment I am not ready to look at the Inquest yet. I would so love for you to walk along with me as I do it .. I am not sure when I will be ready. When the home front is settled and the land of the living moving positively. It can stay in the desk for now.

I think we can find some way to do it with some value ... without breaching anonymity ..

In the meantime the garden is a source of labour, philosophy, scientific enquiry, sharing, community work, beauty and relaxation. Healing the planet as well as me.

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

LSevenContributor04 Nov 2016, 1:17 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

My dad died 6 years ago, we were estranged.

My mum and dad left me and their grand kids around 10 years ago - just packed up and left

the day my dad died, I instantly spoke with my mum (forgetting the past)

things have flared up again with mum cos I can't get over the fact they fled when things got tough.

I understand that I should get over this issue but it's constantly churning me up .

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

AppleblossomSenior Contributor04 Nov 2016, 1:35 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

I am not a believer in "getting over it" @LSeven If it matters to you .. it does .. and actually it makes sense why it does.

Life & death are the big stories we share ... How many children do you have? What do you like to do?

over time as we push on maybe your feelings will settle a bit.

I have to say I was much more churned up in the last few years before my mother's death. Her death was difficult and slow, but I am far more at peace since she has gone, I have less to worry about. I cant hate her, I recall moments of fondness and moments when she betrayed me. Each grief is unique. There is no right way.

@Former-Member Glad you have garden. Yes I often found it futile to share, and have been shocked by some immature voyeuristic responses. But the whole story is all interwoven and so I found it hard to divide up which things were fine to share and what was better to wait til a person had proved their loyalty and friendship to me. Maybe thats why I had to get it all out here on the foum. So "tricky" bits are not bubbling up to the surface and tripping me up socially.

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

pipSenior Contributor04 Nov 2016, 4:58 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

@LSeven. There's a lot of anger, hurt and betrayal in your post. You lost your dad twice really. The day he and your mum left was the first time you lost him, Then he passed, obviously things between you and them were still pretty strained. I gather you hadn't had a chance to reconcile before he died, this would've made you angry and bitter. It's hard to resolve this issue because you haven't had a chance to speak to your mum. When we get angry, hurt and feel betrayed by the sudden loss of parents and there is no chance to resolve those feelings, they build up and we have the feeling we weren't loved. You have to try to resolve this before you can start to heal and forgive you parents for leaving. Perhaps when you tried to speak to your mum, it was the wrong time for her. Your mum is grieving for your dad, he was her life's partner and she will be feeling hurt, betrayed and angered by the loss. It's possible when you tried to talk to her, she wasn't ready to deal with your pain so she 'shut down'. Have you tried writing to your mum and telling her how much you missed them when they left. I wouldn't tell her you feel angry by the death of your dad, just say you wish things hadn't been so heated when they left. I can hear the love you have for your mum, but anger, rejection and hurt is very much present and your mum simply can't handle your anger and grief while she is dealing with her own. If you do write to your mum, read the letter as if you were receiving it. If something in the letter makes you feel more angry, think about how your mum will feel on reading it. Tell her about the children and what they do, how (if they resemble your mum and dad). Remind your mum they miss her too and their g'father. Ask if she would like to talk to them?

In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Unknown userMember05 Nov 2016, 10:09 am AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

i lost my grandfather who i was really close to. he was the person i turned to when my parents didnt understand and then while i was still trying to cope with his loss my bio grandfather on my mothers side decided he wanted me and my siblings in his life and thought it would be as easy as offering us money to get us to like him of couse the younger ones didnt know any better and took it as an opportunity to get stuff mum and dad had said no to the older ones took a little longer my middle sister was the last one to talk to him besides me who still doesnt even though it has been 6 years because he will never be a grandfather to me my real grandfather died. i miss talking to him, they way he helped me through my low times and jokes not that they were very good but i think thats why they made me laugh. to be honest the "load" would have been a lot lighter if he had waited till we had grieved properly before trying to be in our lives. i learned that i it hadnt been for his support through a lot of things i would probably not be here today. i dont have any quotes or anything but i write to him and put it in a balloon fill it with hellium and let it go it does help sometimes

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

DecadianSenior Contributor06 Nov 2016, 1:55 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi @Appleblossom

I am sure there is a way of working through your sister's inquest when you are ready - and without breaking anonymity -

Reading an inquest is not at easy thing to do - I have read my son's inquest several times - I did not attend but have the depostitions ands the cororers finding (not happy with that) and now wish I had gone but at the time I felt it was too much - and totally unable to read the future of course

My son's inquest is private of course - being a juvenile inquest - but I have read my cousin's inquest on-line - it took me a long time to get around to it - I didn't want to read it but finally I did - and they are hard read and hard to follow -

But my thought would be to leave it until you are ready - and to have some back up - waiting can't do any damage as the worst has happened

But yes - my offer is open and I am sure that something can be arranged that we can deal with this on-line privately - it is a very important thing

Take you time and sending virtual hugs

Decadian

In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

BayLeeCasual Contributor06 Nov 2016, 3:54 pm AEDT

Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi, LSeven,

This is the first time I have been to this site after being referred by a counsellor.After reading many posts and finally yours , I feel I am in the right place to try and work through my on going grief/ estrangement issues with 2 of my children along with one child still with me fraught with health issues that just seem to get worse as time goes by from medications over the past years.

I send you my understanding at how you must be feeling with a hug and I think there are some things that we really can never get over , the thoughts will always be there, the mixed memories that put us on the emotional rollercoaster of life of which we give it our all to get off so we can find peace within.

When you say you should ' get over ' this issue, maybe that's being too harsh on yourself, perhaps try saying to yourself ' I need to find other ways to help me through this '. Remember , despite the issues between yourself & your mother, you phoned her, you did'nt have to, but you did and that says a lot about you and that your were willing to put things aside at the time.

I know in regards to my children ( the circumstances were different ) of course I would welcome them if they wished to start communicating again, but I think for all there would need to be some counselling to get back on track as there would be too many unresolved issues that would not allow any of us to move forward. Somethings can't be left unsaid and some can, but they need to be said in an environment which is helpful to all .

Although I may be much older than you , I also have a situation with my parents being elderley and requiring my help a couple of days a week. Some time ago I wanted to relocate, start a new life for myself and my daughter and not have to deal with being where I am, but I just could'nt do it. So I need to work through this so I can be at peace within myself. There are days when I don't think I ever will be, somedays that are ok, and some where I just don't know how I will ever get through.

I find the words ' it is what it is ; helpful at times so I can move forward.

I hope you manage to work through this the best that you can, please don't be too hard on yourself. We all have the right to feel as we do, we just have to work out how to get along with others or how best to just let them go.

Take care..

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