Hi @Former-Member
No - you didn't trigger me - I have read so much of what your mother is like I understand - I understand what you are feeling and what your mother is doing - it was hard to stick in there at the start when you were at your parents' place - but it was good that I did
I don't know why your mother is the way she is and about mine - I did and internal journey to get to know her - I spoke to my Dad's brothers and remembered everything I could and even went to Canberra to the war memorial to find out about her father - and yes - she had a rotten life and was co-dependent with her mother, my father and TS - and I can understand the way she was - and forgive that - but the behaviour - she had control over that so that is harder to deal with - but she is dead and can't hurt me any more now so it's easier
But I still don't understand the behaviour at all
And your mother seems the same - except it seems to be really cutting - and what my mother said was cutting - and I can tell you a bit of my story because I walked away from my family for years at a time sometimes - and about 2.5 years before she died I saw my mother and she snarled
"Gitoudahere"
As apparently she did to everyone - so I walked up to her bed where she turned her face to the wall and said
"Mum - you have been driving me away all my life and if you do it today I am not coming back"
And she didn't move - so I opened the door and stood there for a few minutes waiting and hoping - and I walked out and never went back
I sent her short notes in cards telling her I wanted to see her - with my phone numbers - every few weeks - and I rang her once and she gave the phone back to the nurse without speaking to me when it wasn't TS - and I never had a reply to my mail - and I had enough - and I still loved her but I didn't like what was happpening and I don't feel guilty even though TS tried to lay a guilt trip on me. And TS was reading my mail and not responding herself and when mum was in hospital TS said if I ever had it in my heart to visit my mother I should go that day - and I did
Crap - yes - I understand Tawney - I have been through it - and I could never talk about my son to her - she would get upset - and to this day I think if my mother got upset she could have endure the death of her grandson - but no - it was as if it had never happened
I know how heart-breaking this is - for me in my situation and for you in yours
And I know TS was caring for my mother and her affairs - and I know you did so much for your parents out of love for them - but I can only be honest out of my own experience - if your mother treats you like that - then keep away - because she will open every wound you have - whether she knows it or not
The difference between your mother and mine is that I don't think my mother was suffering dementia until Dad died - (oh God - today would be his 97th birthday - no I didn't just think of it)
But when Dad died Mum totally dropped her bundle and was really nasty
I think your Mum does have some kind of MI - along with cancer - and you have these brothers being helpless parasites - so it seems - and I can only feel that unless you can see them for a day or even less - it is better to stay away
That is only a suggestion - you are free to do what you choose - but to have someone cut you as your mother does has no future - and this doesn't trigger me now that I understand more - but for your sake I really feel the connection and I know how hard it is - but no one has the right to treat us the way our mothers have treated us -
It is my opinion that when we are adults - even when we are children - our parents still have to respect us - and when they don't - I can remind you of a Bible verse - and something I wrote in a letter to my father years ago
Yes - it tells us to Honour our Mother and our Father - but in Eph. 6 it also says - "Parents do not provoke your children lest you discourage them" - and in that letter to my father I told him I felt provoke to the point that I was thoroughly discouraged - and
The good news is that Dad was really angry - and we had a stand up fight about it and he realised I would never lie and from that time on Dad and I were on good terms and he kept Mum and TS in line until he died 6 years ago
I am so sorry you are living through this - torn two ways - and suffering if you go there and feeling terrible if you don't - and I also know the loneliness of not having access to your family because of this kind of situation - I used to feel lonely and wretched at slammed doors, phones banged down and mail returned
Yes - I do know Tawney - and I care a lot - and wish it was different
I can see it too - and although today I am not triggered - I can feel your pain
Lots of hugs
Dec
