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Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement. - Tell us about your loss? - What 3 things you miss most? - What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load? - What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before? - Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others? ___ WHAT IS GRIEF? GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.
I am glad you have found us and shared on this thread - it is worth reading back on too - many people have contributed their thoughts
You are right - the worst death was your sister - you were close enough to be twins - and you could not let go because you thought you would have really lost her - that makes sense to me - we can go on grieving for a long time without seeming to make progess - but we do
And that first hard experience has helped you cope with a cascade of death - oh my such a lot of people dying so close together - like dominos falling - where does it end
But there are ways to hold the memories in such a way they do not hang onto us - rather a stragically placed photo - my son's photo is among the photos of the young children in my family - and my sil's children never knew him - fewer and fewer people knew him - but I still have him in my thoughts without it overpowering me most of the time
And it was indeed the worst death - we all have to have a worst death - and I do believe it helps us to cope with the others
Thanks for joining the conversation here
Decadian
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Well said @Decadian. @Snowdrop, how are you today? What do you do to honour your sister
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
@Former-Member
you are very strong
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
MoonGalSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
My best friend was killed in a car accident in 2008. She was going to be the best woman at my partner and my wedding O/S in the September of that year. She was both our 'best friend' a remarkable woman and sister. I miss her to the moon and back. 😞
We got married, but the wedding was a very bitter sweet event. We had a photo of her behind us on a table. So she was still part of the wedding. All our wedding photos and the wedding video have her in it. ❤️
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
I'm sorry about your best friend @MoonGal
That would be a tough loss
Dec
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
JensmumNew Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Tawny, my daughter passed away 14 months ago, she was 9, 2 weeks before she turned 10. I completely understand what you mean about losing "friends", so many kept away because they said it was "too hard" for them or that they didnt know what to say. I miss her every day, i go out to the cemetary and lie next to her on the grass and talk, sometimes i injure myself to stop the thoughts in my head. Only my dr knows how "bad" i get, the only thing that i have learned from this is that you truly find out who cares for you and who doesnt, even my mother and brother have not been as supportive as id of thought, neither even called on the anniversary of her death or for her birthday, i do have other children but not sure if that's enough.
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
LonelyExistanceSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
OK I have something to say. To those who have been talking with me, and sharing their history's with me YOU ARE ALL B#STARDS. I mean that in an affectionate way lol I know I've only been here a couple of days now, but you guys have made me feel welcomed in a way I don't remember ever feeling. You've got me to open up about things I've been really struggling with, especially lately.. I've just been sitting on my bed mostly trying not to cry this morning, although I've allowed myself to cry some. There seems to be so much emotion welling up inside me after what we've being talking about since I joined the forum. When I first woke up I was so scared by what I'm feeling. But I'm realising these feelings, although they hurt like hell, are a good thing. I'm not so scared of them now that I've taken some time to think about where they're coming from. I have such a long way to go. But I want each of you to know that I am so thankful for your being here. And that I saw the add on tv for this forum too. I'm not willing to let myself think that maybe this is exactly what I needed to be able to start making sense of things, but there is a little hope where before there was none. Even though I know I'm alone in the world, I don't actually feel alone now. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is thank you guys. Thank you so much 😊
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Aww shucks @LonelyExistance, so glad something's helping, you hang in there bro. I'm not surprised you have an upsurge of feelings with the difficult content covered, tapping into some old pain you'd forgotten about that needs to come out. So pleased to hear that instinctively you know this is good for you in the long haul. We don't have to dwell on it, take deep slow breaths, acknowledge your pain, where is it mostly felt in the body - is it hot cold rough smooth moving... ... ... sit with it for a minute (self compassion - as this is part of you), then leave it be, the intensity, the wave will pass. Acknowledging our pain without judgement, instead of running from it, actually lessons its power, but don't dwell, put hand to task and keep moving fwd gently. Be kind to yourself. So proud of you for coming to this place so soon - took me years. As uou 'hang-in-there' long enough (don't give up), I promise there'll be good moments ahead youll be glad you stuck around for, moments well worth the effort.
Can't remember if you're seeing a psychologist, just for emotional support if nothing else. Its really good they fund it now. In the meantime, have a look at the self help book thread for some books to read. My psychologist is currently walking me through 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris.
Take care and thanks for encouraging us too, we all need that xox
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hello @Jensmum, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear you too have lost your precious daughter, and only just over a year ago and such a precious age. Oh my heart aches for you. Its just NOT FAIR!!! this path that has been thrust upon us to walk, to carry. I'm still finding my feet but glad to say the pain is less this last 2-3yrs.
Losing "friends" and in my case even family simply add to the loss. Gosh! how can they not know that we need a little extra at this time and inconvenience themselves a fraction now and then to accommodate us a while? Grr! Pathetic little "its too hard" "we lost her too" "we don't know what to say" [or do] For goodness sakes, how can they not know?? Why don't they ask? *A simple card now and then. *A regular meet up at the local cafe! *A little respite from childcare or pets. *A meal, or chores *Sharing memories and tears *A hug *A long phone chat...
So sorry you have this added hurt to deal with, people abandoning you in your time of need. It seems to be the 'norm' we're told to accept, but if I have anything to do with it I'd hope to change our culture regarding grief. @Faith-and-Hope here on the forums has filled me in on Greek culture and grief - they make many allowances to grieve and make it a social supportive open process for years. Wish we did.
Oops, got carried away there sorry
I hear that you deeply miss your girl "every day" and "go out to the cemetary and lie next to her on the grass and talk" - i can relate to this - i do it in my mind all the time wanting to stay there forever, but so far had restraint. You must be in so much pain to do this. You know its an expression of the deepest of love you have for your girl. I believe she sees your love, feels it, it is not wasted or unheard. Love is the connection between flesh and spirit - it never dies. She loves you too and especially at those times, i know she wants you to bear up and be strong for the remainder of your days allotted until you meet again. Do you sense her near sometimes? I do, maybe talk on that later.
You said "sometimes i injure myself to stop the thoughts in my head" I've donecthis too and have much to say about self harm if you want to talk more about it later. I am glad you tell your Dr how "bad" you get, you may have "Complicated Grief" which is harder - I know it well. Are you having grief counselling?
This horrible grief process does sort out the genuine people from the shallow, the 'real' from the 'fair weather friends' the 'givers' from the 'takers' ... A counsellor once told me "we have to train people how to treat us" but I didn't have the energy to accommodate that, do you know what I mean? I was too busy being angry i think lol (part of the grief process). No, we don't have too many choices when we're this wounded, especially in early days which you are right in the middle of my dear. Just want to hug you.
Anniversaries are the hardest, always will be (at a lesser degree), all my family even my mum too forgot our girls 19th B'day just gone. Very disappointing.
Have you joined "The Compassionate Friends" in your state. Sometimes they send me a hand crafted card on birthdays and mother's day etc which is just lovely (they forgot me last time but probably because I forgot to pay my small annual subscription, oops). @Decadian here on the forums is an old member of CF (having lost a son), she's always good for a chat.
It must be hard to keep yourself going for your children but I'm glad you have other children to get up for. My girl was my youngest and empty nest was horrendous living alone. It certainly isn't 'enough' but they need to at least think they are, so you hang in there. Do everything you can to be supported within. They say our children are 'great observers, lousy interpreters' They are watching to learn how to grieve, so be open with them, let them see your tears. However, do try to keep the self harm thing away from them - teens pick that up real fast. I tried to take my life that first year (6wks in hospital), and within a year my son (on campus at uni) was on suicide watch. He didn't tell me for months but when he did I brcame detetmined to not go there again, and overcome, as an example for him that we can survive. I hope telling you that is not over sharing. I just really want you to pull through for you, for us and for your precious family.
Please keep posting. I joined the forums last March and the difference in my self esteem and inner strength is invaluable.
Have to go for now. Does me good to share with you. Hope its mutual. Big hugzzzzz xox
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi @Jensmum
Having one of our children die has to be the most important and life-changing event that can happen to us - and yet we are sometimes abandoned by our family and friends and yes - we do find out who the real people are
My family did/does not like to be "upset" - for me I faced a culture-shock like you - and it is beyond my comprehension that my mother could not be there for me - really hard
But she did her best I guess - but her best was by far not good enough - not to measure my grief against hers - but rather my ability to "go there" and her inability to believe the truth and to pretty it up with a story that wasn't true
Oh dear
My son died 30 years ago now - and I don't go to his resting place - I have moved away from that church - but after his death I would leave flowers on the spot over his stone in the memorial garden and I have not been back for years
On the other hand he is daily in my thoughts - as is my daughter for that matter - and we all have to live our lives - and how we grieve is unique to us
I am glad you have found us @Jensmum - your daughter has not been gone for long - it does get easier over time but there are days when the past can get right in our face
Lots of virtual hugs - there are quite a few bereaved parents here - I don't know how your girl died - my son's death was a suicide - he was so depressed and could not accept help
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