Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi Mandy,

I can see from your post that you have been really struggling, its great to see that you are getting cared for at the momment, at a time where things feel really difficult.

Im also getting the sense from when you said - " or so it feels" that you know from past experiences that when we are in a bad space such as depressed our thinking can be narrowed to being soley negative. Our thoughts are not facts or are not always an accurate representation of reality. And these intense horrible feelings, will pass.

I have sent you a Private Message to your email 🙂

New Dawn

Forum Moderator

I played organ for funerals and the "Lord is my shepherd" did help me get through.

Take care of you and I hope your father on earth will understand.

Aw @mandy84

That feels terrible - I think you feel as if you have lost yourself

Nothing is so bad that God can't fix it - we all make mistakes - and it can be a very lonely world

After my son died I was confused as to why God had to go on testing me - I had a strong faith - I always have - but why? To take my son. This felt like the end of the world

In reality my son's life had got to the point where he could not bear it any longer really - God has promised us that he won't put us through more than we can stand - so I had been relieved of the terrible strain of a disturbed child with too many problems to be humanly dealt with - he is at peace and his was a tortured soul

I did survive that valley of death - it was terrible - it took years and I had professional help - but my family bailed on me - they didn't enjoy having an "upset" - my mother never did accept his suicide - his Dad was not able to relate to what had happened and my dd really was too young

It was many years ago now that I realised that God was not testing my faith - he knows my faith - but he wanted me to know the strength of my faith because I have needed to have a strong faith -

I read elsewhere you had a bad time in hospital - and enacted some bad behaviour. I did a lot of yelling and shouting in hospital before my son died - I remember feeling shame about that - but the therapist I was seeing earlier this year said that was the best place to enact my rage and sorrow and frustration.

For you too - having your ex turn up - that was past the limit - you did not need that - there are times when there is too much on for us to have the control we would like for ourselves - and we have to give up the tension somehow

But whatever - don't give up on God - the rest of the world may fail you but not God - and he can bind up any broken heart

You have miscarried twice - I had a lot of miscarriages - it won't feel so bad in the future although it feels painful now and the "love of your life" - if you mean that ex that is no lose - believe me - I could write nasty words about him - he has treated you badly

Now - you can get back to your career and you can't see the future and there may or may not be a future man for you or children - but as hard as it might be to live a life alone it can be your life

Your despair is understandable - I can see how much of a mess your life must seem - but as for losing your standing with people - like friends or church people or even your own family - if they can't help you through this then they are perhaps not worth it - but for God's sake - give people a chance

God can put you back together again. I have walked though a valley of death and survived - I walked through alone so it can be done

Take it easy - 20 minutes at a time -

It must be hard to write of such terrible despair - but the way out is through

Decadian

thanks @Former-Member

There are times when I sometimes forget the nightmare of the 1970s and 80s - and the good news is that when I am reminded I am not triggered but rather try and remember what I did to get through it

Like ringing Life Line back in the old days when I would hit the redial button time after time until I got through - despair - my mother's anger when she slammed the phone down if I tired to ring her - the smoke around the phone when she did that - scary - and one Sunday morning going to Communion and crying my eyes out right in front of everyone - and I didn't care but the priest stopped and told me God stood with me in my sorrow

I still have dark times - just a few months after mu aunt died I rang Life Line and cried - I didn't have anyone I felt I could ring at that time but I had the Forum Family and posted here and there was so much love and caring - I know life is going to throw curved balls and I am glad I have this website

Some of the people who ring with so much despair are at least articulate - and when this is the case it is something I can answer from my own past - and I can honestly say the Gift of Years and the Gift of Tears is something worth enduring and sharing because that darkness is so hard to maintain it does have to lessen - like the storm that blew a gum-tree down onto my home a few years back - the tree was horrible and rotten right through and lasted until the height of a wind-storm that lessened as soon as the tree fell - the shadows of the world can only last for their alotted time also

But thank you - it is always good to have feedback

Dec

Thanks @BlueBay

You will become that beautiful woman you actually already are - it's just that you have this curtain of tears that is confusing your vision and will pass in time - it will

And God tests our strength so we will know it - that idea came to me in a flash of light one Sunday as I was heading down to the Frankston market hoping to sell enough stock to get through Christmas - and that Sunday had started raining heavily - yet as the weather over the bay cleared I saw my prayers had been answered and I had the best day at the market - and made enough to get my family gifts that year.

And I saw - I have to know my faith - it has been many years since I worked at the market - but that day was brilliant

Your mother might have taken it out on you because you were the beautiful one - the strong one - and in her paranoia needed to cut you down to her size - so - don't let her

You know when we ring Life Line we are asked if we are feeling suicidal? _ My reply is often "I wouldn't give TS the satisfaction" - I won't. Between them they mounted a campaign of hate and I don't fit in with that - and whatever your mother has done to you - you don't fit in with her either - she doesn't deserve you

And so - like me - don't give her the satisfaction - always hold your beautiful life - that beautiful baby you dreamed of - in your heart and your mind and your soul and your spirit - she is you growing again

Physically I am getting older and I feel tired about that - I am no longer the athlete I was - and I never saw myself as good-looking. Still I know God sees me as beautiful - it's what is in the soul that counts

We have walked together for 9 months - yesterday actually it was 9 months since I joined the Forum - and I have read your struggle and sometimes sat here and prayed for you and what I should say - had insight into your journey and a flash of inner sight when you were in that bad place the other day - brilliant and scary and sacred - I have had this happen about many things through the years - a gift from my mother and her mother actually - we all had moments like this - sometimes at the same time

You will be fine - the harder the road - the better the view

Decadian

Hi BlueBay,

Your name's been passed on to me as someone who has a BPD diagnosis. Would it be ok to chat some time?

Kind regards 🙂

I've just come across this discussion. Grief and Loss are such personal things and affect us all in different ways.

When I was 41 my 40 year old sister died of cancer - we had always been close - like twins - and even though I had a husband and children I thought that I could die of the pain. I hugged it to me and wouldn't let it go. For 13 years I could not mention her name without crying and getting upset. A doctor finally told me that hugging the pain, not letting it go and not talking about it or about her were my way of trying to keep her with me. With the doctors help I finally came to realise that I was frightened that if I let the pain go, if I talked about her or laughed about her - it would mean that she was gone from me. It took me a long time though to learn that and to be able to laugh about her, talk about her and remember all the wonderful happy times and to realise that in fact while I do all these things she is still with me.

The years since 2010 have been hard for me in loss and grief. In 2010 my mother died suddenly, in 2011 my brother in law and an aunt died, In 2012 my dad died of a broken heart - he and my mum had married at 16 and after being married for 70 years he couldn't live without her. In 2013 my nephew and aunt died, in 2014 my last aunt and my dearest cousin died, in 2015 my brother in law died and just 6 months ago we buried another sister.

I am glad I was able to come to terms with the loss of my younger sister as I believe the words of the doctor helped me cope with the other deaths that were to follow.