Let's talk about Grief & Loss

Hi @Former-Member and @Appleblossom and @Faith-and-Hope

This time of year brings out the bogies - ah gee - was this what it's all about?

We remember our lost children - and what becomes of their possessions? - this is hard

I have some of my son's stud earrings - the ones you get when your ears are pierced - but I have never used them myself - they are in a small box with my other studs - maybe the kinetic energy rubs off - but they don't take up any space and they can stay there forever

And there is a cheap little metal bowl he gave me one Christmas - and it is in a cupboard - and sometimes I put my fruit in it -

But that is all. After he died his duffle bag came back from the Juvenile Justice Centre - he had run away from the centre for about three weeks and when he returned no one washed this stuff - and when I openned the bag I nearly passed out from the stench and felt angry and dealt with that by throwing it over the fence into the local land fill - and all these years later think I threw a lot of my anger over the fence with it - but whatever was in that bag has gone and I have never worried about it

I gave his Heavy Metal Jacket to a friend whose daughter wanted to be a Head Banger at a Fancy Dress Party - I told her she could keep it - and the expression on her face is with me still - to her this was a prize possession - and the memory is worth it.

Siigh

Tawnz - your girl would not mind if you used her dresser. Put her stuff into a suitcase until you are ready to deal with it and use the dresser and she will be pleased that you have. It meant a lot to her and she wants you do have it. I just have a feeling about it. It will always be hers but your use of it will gradually develop dual ownership and it will be enhanced - a thing of glory for you - and her

Apple - about the sofa bed - clear off the mildew and keep it. It has become yours over years - your mother gave it to you and I think your mother gave you very little - but yeah - for the sake of your health - clean it up a bit and enjoy it

Okay - here's my question. My mother left me her engagement ring in her will and I have it in a little box in my jewellery box - along with the studs. I have wondered what on earth to do with this. I have very little of her other property and she had so much stuff I would have liked - but then - I have this very valuable ring I will not sell - I do not need to sell it. I have thought of giving it to my dd - but no - not yet - something makes me hang onto it - after all - I have very little from my mother and it was left to me - she obviously meant for me to have it - though why I do not know

So - maybe this answers some questions or maybe it just gives rise to more. One day turns into another and I always love to get rid of things I am not using - when I see a coloured plastic bag in my letter box or it's time for a hard rubbish collection - great - but there are other things I will hold onto for the sake of my earthly space in order to enhance it

But all the best with your rememberings everyone - those who are no longer here cannot use what they leave behind - and it is better to leave little behind -

And today I have a headache - now why is that? Maybe I slept too long last night

Dec

Thank you @PeppiPatty what a gorgeous image .. books and homemade billy cart

See ... @Former-Member she is a wise owl .. not just a pretty picture of them.

Yes, Glad you got it out. They are very different scenarios. it is difficult when people presume they .. understand .. when they dont .. I ran into the 80yo American in the supermarket yesterday .. she does the false "I understand" .. but still I gave her a peck on the cheek as we passed the checkout chic .. ??

Mum and Dad both died of lung related diseases. So breath is important, but being overly reminded about it can be triggering.

My sister's sofa bed .. is long gone .. its a foolish memory now, like her .. both fond. Her passing was January 10. So It really is a tricky period coming up with mum's passing yes, on Christmas Day. I appreciate this thread. I only have a broach and Vegetable Cookbook left from sis and photos. It will be 31 years in Jan.

I am now hanging onto my deceased brother's gorgeous leather case for his projector and film canisters. Maybe one day someone will help me watch them.

I rejected many of the physical gifts mother willed me .. there were too many sillly games with exclusion & scapegoating me and naming executors and other stuff .. I also let the rich feuding rellies crowding around re sale of grandfather's property .. who wanted to remind me that they put me up for a weekend in my childhood .. use the sale of the extra estate proceeds to clear any of my debt. My son and I accepted and have integrated a lot of mum's print music into our collections. We did that as an activity when mum was still alive.

@Decadian about the Metal Jacket ... So not you and yet wonderfully YOU.

Hi @Appleblossom

The Heavy Metal Jacket - like so many other things it has a story - my son had one with illegal spikes - and the police confiscated it - so I got a khaki jacket from Aussie Disposals and dd help me chose his favourite Heavy Metal Bands and I sewed the pics on the back and the sleeves - me sewing!! - when I have a nervous breakdown if I try to sew a button on - ah - the pain of it all

And dd got the studs of legal length in with some kind of machine - and the police were angry with him when they saw him in it - but this time it was legal - and they checked with me that I had given it too him

The local police knew us well and had a lot of respect for me - they were so often my best friends

Anyway - although I am not really into that kind of music it has grown on me over the years - and dd used to wear the jacket when she went skating - but years pass as they always do and I had to down size the house yet took the jacket with me - but finally gave it to the youngster for her Fancy Dress Party

Oh moan and golly Apple - your rich rellies reminding you that once you stayed with them for a week end wanting you to clear your debt - which debt - what debt - no one is liable for anyone else's debt - but sometimes we take the line of least resistance

I am glad you kept that music though - I have stacks of sheet music - what do I do with that? It's in a neat carton in a neat corner of my cupboard but some of it is really hard to play now - what happened to my talent and is sheet music as valuable as it used to be?

But the vision of your rich rellies around the grave fighting over what was left of your mother's possession is really sad and somehow part of very dark humour

I'm sorry about that Apple and glad you have what is important to you - the music

Dec

@Former-Member

When we are in deep grief, we are also in "trauma mind", and can be overly scrupulous endlessly questioning our innermost motivations. Dont be addicted to guilt, as that does not really help anyone.

I would say you had some genuine pre-occupation managing life and your emotionally out of control siblings and parents.

You could look at it as tending to the peers around her, which is what you would have done, if they had visited and had sleepovers parties etc.

I also look at other headstones ... and pay respects ..

I know about visiting cemeteries. I physically curled up in my dad's and sisters plot. I also parked my car in city cemetery once .. and went to class, saying bugger it I have the right to have some advantage from having a dad. I have listened to lots of princesses boasting about their dad. A days free parking!! YAY

When I am totally sorted finacially. I will get a better headstone for their grave .. simple & small .. but the lovely carved wooden cross made by a friend is getting battered by weather. I have stopped planting there as it was too brutal in the heat and hard to tend. Though an old rose bush still survives.

Because some of these acts come from such an incredibly lonely isolated spiritual space within us, Yes it means a lot to be able to hear anothers story and share. Thanks

Ohhh @Decadian

The total irony and beauty of your lovely conservative accountant self sewing a "legal" jacket for your boy .. trying to bridge his rebellious, pain and anger with responsibilities and legal norms and expectations. Going to all that trouble. I will treasure that story as a story of hope .. when I get into argybargy with the middle calss about expectations and norms ...

Thanks from the bottom of heart. I wore a leather jacket .. but it was a straight practical very basic motor cycle jacket .. I dont do trimmings .. of tinsel, glitter or studs and spikes... to me they are all the same. I was given a job collecting entry fees in a pub for a metal band cos I looked the part .. but I hated the music and the stage antics .. it was my one and only metal gig ... lol ... I need to go do some work, but love you all.

Hi @Former-Member

You are not alone - neither am I. We do have these long strings of dates - I have them in the winter

The estimated date of my cousin's death, my mother's birthday, my cousin's funeral, my birthday and the series of dates around my son's death - like the last time I saw him was on Bastille Day - and this is a bit weird - and all these dates fall inside 3 weeks

He was cremated and his ashes are in the memorial garden of the church I went to at the time - I could go there and it has been suggested that I do - but I can't see why - he is not there. Neither are my parents in the cemetery where TS did all the chosing and I was not told when my mother's ashes were interred -

Your grief for your girl is young and fresh yet - there were times when I put flowers on the stone where my son's ashes were - but in time I realised there was an elderly lady with a small mission - she would come and take the dead flowers away every week or so - something small and private and special for her -

Your grief will be overt and painful for a time - but it does get easier - it cannot last forever - it has to be more "ordinary" as time goes by

But still - there are those times - like now - when you go through the nightmare again - and nothing can change the past - perhaps clearing and cleaning your girl's grave is one way of keeping part of her alive for yourself - and that's alright - but don't get lost there -

My son's photo is beside mine on the top of my wall unit - with other photos of people who have passed - I can see it from here - the memories are old now but the pain can still be very fresh

You are not alone

lots of virtual hugs

Dec

Thanks @Appleblossom

I wondered whether to tell the story - now I am glad I did

My son was heart-broken to have his jacket confiscated by the police - and I didn't know about the legality of the studs - but yes - my hard time sewing and the legal length and bridging the gap between what was allowed and what was not for the last few months of a broken hearted teenagers life - was special

I gave it to him for his 16th birthday - and he loved it and wore it all the time - but he did not live with us so how I came to have the jacket after he died is something I have forgotten. As I think - as yes - it is time for my coffee and I finally have made one - yes - perhaps he gave it to dd and she kept it because she wore it often.

At some stage it came into my possession and I was glad to pass it on to someone who appreciated it

It is pretty special - it was not something I did for myself - for I hate sewing and the Heavy Metal clashed violently with Mozart, Bach and Jozef Haydn - our neighbours must have loved the contrast -

I'm glad I shared

Dec