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Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement. - Tell us about your loss? - What 3 things you miss most? - What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load? - What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before? - Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others? ___ WHAT IS GRIEF? GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.
Thanks @Former-Member Regarding your question about my sister. It was 30 years ago. I was only legally permitted to get her wardfile after 30 years and it while reading that, I thought about getting her Inquest. My mother always swept everything under the carpet. This month, I read the first line of the Inquest and thought it best left for a time when I was not so fragile.
@Decadian Thanks. I kind of like the way we have a comfortableness to set up a future "chat" on this forum. It gives it some solidity for me that I can know people and lean on them .. a little .. if I have to.
I am feeling a bit better, life goes on. My son just rang and wants to come back tomorrow night. So he will see that it as it has always been; totally fine for him to come & go and have a good relationship with his father, but that he needs to pull his weight (wil feel etter about himself as a person) and that I am a person too.
@BayLee I valued reading your posts.
I have grief over the living too. my daughter and sister. I cannot do anything to change it and in our case there would also need to be much counselling. I am almost frightened now of actually seeing them without a support person for me .. present ...
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
@pip wrote: @Decadian I do understand what you're saying, all I meant was grief is still grief.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, death in custody, be it suicide or unknown circumstances is harder because you couldn't be there for him at his darkest hour. When that happens, you tend to blame the guards who, supposedly were watching him.
@pip
You are right that grief is still grief - and I acknowledge that you have sat with those bereaved by suicide but you are missing the point and that is highlighted above and below
I do not blame the workers on duty that night. The conditions in the old Melbourne Juvenile Justice Centre were terrible and I have been instrumental about having that rectified and I took the chance to improve the situation in which my son died and ran with it. He did not die in vain.
There are a lot of issues surrounding my son's death - things I learned from and with the research skills I learned doing my Post Graduate Studies I was able to write concise arguments about his death and that of other children of aborigional and non-aboriginal descent - and other suicide.
Without what I learned I might be less tolerant - but I cannot blame anyone else for his suicide. I knew about his SI and SA and could not help - he was in the habit of absconding and could not live at home - he had trouble being inside his skin - there is only one person who made the wrong decision and it was him - and I do not blame him for that. I knew him to well and know the fault lay partly in the system and partly in the background of an adopted child who was born damaged.
If I was in the frame of mind to assign blame I could not stop - I would find more and more reason to blame and I do not want this on my soul. Rather I have been published on issues surrounding suicide and youth suicide in particular. I have seen other people's grief and know this
The death of children - adult children and even elderly children is the most devastating of deaths - and no way home if we lay blame. I am not denying your grief but it is different. My parents have died recently - last year and 5 years ago - and it is a different experience.
But you are right - grief is never easy
Decadian
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi @Appleblossom
I am glad I can be of some support here - I am prepared and that seems to mean a lot - and I am sure that a hidden thread can be set up and this can be overseen by the moderators and we maintain our privacy
To me it seems the private nature of this website is one of the things that makes it so great because we can be more open - and honest.
Your Mum pushing everything under the carpet - like mine - makes it more painful and more important that we find the truth but it has to be when we can - I can say reading my cousin's inquest was hard - but in one way it satisified my feelings about how such a moral man with his ethics could possibly end his life in such a way -
So - perhaps it is for our own enlightenment that we seek - as hard as it is the truth is what we seek - and when it has been hidden for so long it is so much harder - but when you are ready - yes - that will be the time
Lots of hugs
Dec
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
LSevenContributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
We are all dealing with death, right? not lecturing, just trying to fill a void.
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
@LSeven, it does seem an enormous topic - combining Grief & Loss. Not every contributor here has actually experienced physical 'death' of someone close. But there are other forms of death / loss from our lives. Things we miss terribly, & grieve. Its a mistake to compare suffering, for each person is so very different. Who am I to say losing my 13yo child is more (or less) important than a widow who suddenly lost her husband of 65yrs?
And then there's the makeup of a person,m - personality, past experiences, faith, maturity and existing supports. All these things alter the impact of grief. I'd love to read a study on the variable impact of loss on different psychiatric conditions & personalities types.
I have had to to bite my tongue too sometimes - reading some posts about loss that I'd gladly exchange to get my girl back. But have to remind myself that even the loss of a partner, child or close relative to - illness, divorce, brain damage... can still trigger paralysing grief responses.
Then there's the loss of freedom, status, employment, roles, body parts... Who am I to say any one is worse on an individual than another?
I can't.
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
INFO
COMPLICATED GRIEF (CG) by Mayo Clinic
CG DEFINITION Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing and, unfortunately, common experiences people face. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger. Gradually these feelings ease, and it's possible to accept loss and move forward.
For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the loss and resuming your own life.
Different people follow different paths through the grieving experience. The order and timing of these phases may vary from person to person:
Accepting the reality of your lossAllowing yourself to experience the pain of your lossAdjusting to a new reality in which the deceased is no longer presentHaving other relationships
These differences are normal. But if you're unable to move through one or more of these stages after a considerable amount of time, you may have complicated grief. If so, seek treatment. It can help you come to terms with your loss and reclaim a sense of acceptance and peace.
CG SYMPTOMS During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief. However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time, those of complicated grief linger or get worse. Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.
Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include: - Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one - Focus on little else but your loved one's death - Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders. - Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased - Problems accepting the death - Numbness or detachment - Bitterness about your loss. - Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose - Irritability or agitation - Lack of trust in others. - Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one.
WHEN TO SEE DR Call your doctor if you've recently lost a loved one and feel such profound disbelief, hopelessness or intense yearning for your loved one that you can't function in daily life, or if intense grief doesn't improve over time.
Specifically, you may benefit from professional help if, over time, you continue to: - Have trouble carrying out normal routines - Withdraw from social activities - Experience depression or deep sadness - Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame - Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death - Have lost your sense of purpose in life - Feel life isn't worth living without your loved one - Wish you had died along with your loved one
THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE At times, people with complicated grief may consider suicide. If you're thinking about suicide, talk to someone you trust. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, call ambulance, police, or a suicide helpline or crisis line.
CG CAUSES It's not known what causes complicated grief. As with many mental health disorders, it may involve inherited traits, your environment, your body's natural chemical makeup and your personality.
CG RISK FACTORS Factors that may increase the risk of developing complicated grief include: - An unexpected, sudden or violent death (eg acute illness, car accident, murder ore suicide of a loved one) - Death of a child - Close or dependent relationship to the deceased person - Lack of a support system or friendships - Past history of depression or other mental health issues - Traumatic childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect - Lack of resilience or adaptability to life changes - Other major life stressors
CG COPING AND SUPPORT Although it's important to get professional treatment for complicated grief, you can also take these steps on your own to help cope: 1. STICK TO YOUR TREATMENT PLAN Attend therapy appointments as scheduled and, if needed, take medications as directed. 2. EXERCISE REGULARLY Physical exercise helps relieve depression, stress and anxiety and can redirect your mind to the activity at hand. 3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Get enough rest, eat a healthy diet and take time to relax. Don't turn to alcohol or illegal drugs for relief. 4. REACH OUT TO YOUR FAITH COMMUNITY If you follow religious practices or traditions, you may gain comfort from rituals or guidance from a spiritual leader. 5. PRACTICE STRESS MANAGEMENT Learn how to better manage stress. Unmanaged stress can lead to depression, overeating, or other unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. 6. SOCIALISE Stay connected with people you enjoy being around. They can offer support, a shoulder to cry on or a joke to give you a little boost. 7. PLAN AHEAD FOR SPECIAL DATES OR ANNIVERSARIES Holidays, anniversaries and special occasions can trigger painful reminders of your loved one. Find new ways to celebrate or acknowledge your loved one that provide you comfort and hope. 8. LEARN NEW SKILLS If you were highly dependent on your loved one, for example, to handle the cooking or finances, try to master these tasks yourself. Ask family, friends or professionals for guidance, if necessary. Seek out community classes and resources, too. 9. JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP You may not be ready to join a support group immediately after your loss, but over time you may find shared experiences comforting and you may form meaningful new relationships.H 10. MOST OF ALL Be gentle on yourself. Be your own best resource, and greatest ally.
~ Mayo
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Fantastic - well said @Former-Member
Dec
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Thanks @esprit, try not to worry too much about your middle daughter's asthma, its rare to die from it like what happened to my girl. But the spacer & asmol should be enough in an acute attack. If that's more than 5 times a week then preventers are recommended. My problem was presuming shed tell me if it was getting worse, or I'd notice, an I may of not been too approachable with the mix of hormones & father crap. It was so out of the blue, such a bad attack, i blame & hate myself a lot, not getting me anywhere, Dr says not bit can't help it, and so sad everyone's walked away. Chronic Asthmatics have Care Plan managements wit GPs but not mild asthmatics like my girl.
Enough of that, why did your kids move away? The 'empty nest' grief is very hard to manoeuvre through. How you going with that? Do they visit anytime? Often? So understand you worrying about them with their dad but you've put the hard work in and they will be sensible, light a candle for them regularly. The/16 sexually assaulted would make you worry - speak to her, maybe get a couple of sessions.
You said "the anger I have for my x husband is hard to keep quiet, we have always been good friends but this has ruined our family" Did you mean because of the the kids moving in with him? Was he behind that? Guess them living elsewhere would feel like the family is ruined. But its just changed. And Thad anger toward him, so understand, but its poison to your soul - ya gotta let that go now, I say this as if you were my closest friend & little sister. But it is early days in your grief process - be gentle on you.
Losing your father recently, around the same time, double wammy! this is so hard & complicates your feelings. And I get the waves or episodes where you just 'can't breathe' I found relaxation therapy to help this. Mindfulness, deep breathing. But it could be good to have your GP rule out any physical causes of any chest complaint.
You're the black sheep of my family too hey! And an idealist. I can be idealistic about relationships, family, community etc - "How's that working for you?" someone once asked. I've since realised I've had to be more real & less critical, for my own sanity as well. Have you ever explored the 5 'Faulty Thinking Trends'
On the other hand, there are boundaries and distance can be about self respect too. Its hard when core values are different. I agree it is a loss, a grieving process, to let go of dreams, what you wished it could of been but we can't control people, only ourselves. I too bounce back & forth with those known grief emotional. It comes in waves do you find? that anger causes much pain. Are you in therapy?
And losing your job as well (not surprising given everything). Very hard time for you. So sorry.
You have lost much ground through this year. You'll be glad to see the back of 2016. I'd say - be kind to yourself through Christmas and start afresh next year. Maybe enrol in a TAFE course, start taking back some ground. You're worth it, and still have it in you.
Buddhist teachings and practical helps that really helped me. They truly understand suffering.
Take care, one day at a time, big hug xox
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
espritSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi. Tawney. Thanks so much for your reply. My kids chose to live with their dad as he is easier , they are teenagers. There are no rules at his house. I'm not that strict just want to know where they are and yes I do believe he orchestrated it by undermining me. It was a big rejection but 9 months later they are all realising what I did for them especially my eldest. Even my x realises he made a mistake. I'm coping with it ok most of the time. He is being much more careful with what they do now after my daughters assault. Which at least makes me rest easier. I have taken her to see someone but she is incredibly strong girl. She is doing well. It really shook him up and he couldn't deal with it. I have a new job wiirhin the same company I was working in before which is fantastic. I still miss my dad and it hits me every now and again but it's all part of life. It was just too much all at once but I'm doing well now. I've been in therapy on and off for years as suffer depression and anxiety. Feeling very lonely though. My first family are not empathetic kind of people more pragmatic and I just find it best to keep my distance from them. I'll look into 5 faulty thinking trends but sure I have loads more. Lol. Cheers jar.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
I went for a great walk along the river yesterday with a new friend. She is writing on a thesis on "sibling bereavement", based on personal experience. She was surprised to learn that I also knew sibling bereavement. Apparently it a largely disenfranchised grief. Maybe that is why it took me so long to process. I no longer get tearful or immediately triggered and overwhelmed by associations, as I did for a long time.
Sis died 1986, and my brother selfharmed regularly and spectacularly and finally died 1995. So I was plunged into it again. Even 10 years later 2005 once I was triggered I may have been out of action for a week, the tears were too full on for me to trust myself. I guess another 10 years on and I am mostly alright to go out and about so that is a huge improvement. But I would never have believed it took so long, but I worked very hard at it and understanding best approach etc, but that is how long it took.
I read my first family inquest; of dad. I was alone and it was 20 years ago. I did discuss it with my husband (now ex). It was his idea for me to apply and I had done a little work with FOI, so I started following up various paper trails, some peter out, some dont. It felt scary, clinical, & gory. It was one of the few things I have of him, but I never regretted it. I looked at it again after 20 years and noticed different things. It also gave me some faith in finding some truth through archival research.
Now I have a little grief for myself for all the years grief took out of my life.
Someone said to me in early grief, that grief was a very greedy emotion. I could not take that on board at the time, but can recognise that now. it was definitely hard for those around me too.
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