Struggling: TW suicide

Thank you @RiverSeal I get stuck into this cycle of Self-deprecation and get overwhelmed with so many uncomfortable emotions. I sometimes even feel my emotional brain and rational brain are in conflict with each other. Emotional side of brain makes me feel ashamed, worthless, useless, unloveable and like a failure. Then my rational side of the brain tells me that I can’t blame myself for others bad choices in the way I was treated in the past. Maybe sleep deprivation isn’t helping. My body probably grew used to the PRN so my brain isn’t very happy that I didn’t take it yesterday. I didn’t feel like I needed it if I was stable, and it’s only for days I feel unstable.

Hi @creative_writer

I know this cycle of Self-deprecation all too well myself and have had similar nights for such a long period of time where I got no or poor quality sleep. You described it so well and you have valuable insight that you share here on the Forums. Finding what makes it better for you is part of the journey but you are doing a great job in yours I can see. It takes courage to speak about what is going on for you and to offer support to others while in need of it yourself.

Everyone in our community is a valuable person and it's great to see you online today and connecting on the Forums!

Take care

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal I fear I am becoming too dependent on the PRN and I don’t have a psychiatrist right now to monitor things. My referral is still being processed. I practically couldn’t sleep properly without it. I fear if I continue taking it again my body would become even more used to it. It would become more of a routine med than PRN. I have no idea who to ask an opinion from, GPs will tell you to take it if you feel unstable and won’t interfere with prescribed meds or PRNs.

Hi @creative_writer

PRN's are to be used as prescribed and if you need advice on how to take it or discuss side effects or prolonged use then I would need to refer you back to your doctor. A psychiatrist is the best doctor and as you said you are on a waitlist currently and appointments can be hard to get at the moment. Though you feel you know what the GP will say it's a good place to start in the meantime while you are on the waitlist for the psychiatrist. Most states and territories have a nurse on-call line that you can call and they might be able to provide more medical advice regarding the medication you are taking as a PRN. Otherwise, if you feel you are in immediate need of medical treatment then your Emergency Department is available.

I hope this helps and I'm happy to have more discussion around it if you need to.

Take care

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal never thought about the Nurse on line idea. I feel like being in a worse mental headspace is amplifying some of the issues I already have. When I am more stable, past traumas don’t haunt me as much. Today I am being haunted. I am also dwelling over conversations. I’ve come to the point in life my parents want to marry me off. My mum seems to think I desire it. I don’t know. I don’t want to be sexually intimate with anyone, I don’t feel safe enough. I’ve been SA in the past and it has left me feeling damaged. I don’t feel like I am whole enough to be loved either.

Hi @creative_writer

Yeah give the nurse a shot if you want to and just google your state or territory for the number. Might be good in the meantime and answer any questions you might have about the medication.

I've been there too feeling haunted and dwelling over conversations most of the time when things aren't going well for me. I still get it to some degree now but it comes and goes much more rather than being a constant. It's very much part of the mental health recovery journey that we are all on here on the Forums. Maybe you could start a discussion about how to cope with these thoughts and see what the community can share with you. I'd be happy to talk about my journey too and I'm definitely still on it and learning a lot while I support people here at SANE.

I can relate to not wanting to be intimate with anyone because I have felt really vulnerable due to being isolated and my MH affecting past relationships. Maybe that will change for you over time and when you are ready. The right person can make a world of difference in how you feel about these things. Best not to let any pressure affect you and the decisions you make but I can understand that parents want what they have for us. I'm sure they have your best interests in mind.

Take care

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal I just do regular self-soothing stuff like grounding, breathing, prayer and aromatherapy. I also read, write and watch tv with my sister and mum. I know there are affirmations too, but they still feel sort of fake right now, maybe they take a while to work? It’s really hard to love myself when I feel so broken beyond repair. I have weekly therapy sessions too. Haven’t gotten in to see psychiatrist yet, but it’s in process, same with GS. Though hopefully I won’t need to wait much longer for GS. While these things do help, it can still be hard sitting with the pain. I crawl in bed and spend a lot of time alone since it feels safer this way.

Everything can take time to work @creative_writer but it is like taking baby steps on a long journey. What works for one person is different from what works for another so it's very much an individual journey. But at least here on the Forums, we all share similar stories and challenges and can support each other. Affirmations can seem a bit fake but they have meaning if you can find that in your life somewhere even from the past. They also show you what is possible and you can go out and seek to be able to relate to some of them. I focus on study and work which I have found to fill some of the voids that my MH has created. But you may have other interests that can help you in your recovery journey. What are some dreams in life and things that you would like to be doing?

It's great that you are going to be involved with the GS as it can be such a positive experience to be supported by someone who understands what you are going through. I would have loved the GS if it were available to me a few years ago. I was supported by some other peer support and I found it really help me in my recovery. Hopefully, it will come through for you soon!

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal I am currently studying social work and aiming to go into mental health. Really want to help those who are struggling. It's probably going to take me an extra year to finish my Master since I had to drop to part-time last year. I am planning on bumping up my study load to 75% next semester, I am hoping that I can do it. However, sometimes I do find I need to be careful regarding triggering material. Having a lived experience can provide insight, but it also means you need to have the skills and support to manage your own stuff and self-regulate. I also hope that once things ease up, I can go back to volunteer work at Lifeline.

I've worked with a peer support worker through another service before and found it helpful.

I couldn’t save myself…..