Struggling: TW suicide

Honestly @creative_writer ? I know it is hard. Yet I also know, through my own lived experience, that it is about putting your own mental health needs first.

For ages, I so-called 'wanted healing', yet I wasn't ready to make the change. In my 30s, I eventually raised the white flag and gave in. I had to reach out myself and engage in supports I would otherwise never have done in my 20s.

One of my key clinicians said to me, "you'll do something about it when you are sick of being sick." To this day, I still remember it because I had to stop pleasing people. I needed to do what was right for me. I 'escaped' life and moved away so I could focus on my recovery.

It was a hard step, but it has made a world of difference.

You know you are ready when you are ready.

In the meantime, I'm here, holding your hand.

I do not want to upset you or sound insensitive or anything. You can disregard this post if you want. Please don't feel I am pressuring you to do anything.

You will know what is right by following your heart.

@tymethe problem isn’t I don’t want to make change, the problem is how? Like I have no idea what to do. I don’t know what is the right step forward for me. I don’t understand anything. I just want to stop hurting.

I'm not sure how to explain the difference between 'I want change' and 'I WANT change'. @creative_writer . It's hard to explain in text.

As a youngster, yes, I certainly wanted change. However, I later realised I really wasn't ready for it back then. I was in pain. I was in emotional torture day in and day out. I was not living.. i was barely surviving. I lived each day thinking it was my last.

I want to be able to tell you want to do, but I can't. I am not in your shoes.

However, by what you are posting, if it were me, I would reach out and try every avenue of support possible...until I find the right support (this can take time). If a private psychologist doesn't work, I'd try another one. If a specialist recommends a short inpatient stay, I'd go for it. If services are providing CATT services, I'd take it. If they offered me case management, I'd take it.

One thing my case manager said to me was, "People don't see therapists and mental health clinics for nothing. People would much rather spend their day doing other things. However, when MH affects every day functioning, that's when MH services can step in." He said that because I felt guilty I was 'using up resources'. I felt it wasn't right to employ the services of the public mental health system because I had a job and I had private health insurance. Yet my situation was so dire, that they saw the need to work with me. Also, I always made sure I thanked my treating team at all costs. I was so grateful for their support no matter how little or how much.

I hope I'm not confusing you even more, my dear.

You deserve to live life.

TW: death

I am saying this in love. I am more than ready to delete it if it is too upsetting.

Hugs

Hey @creative_writer ,

I've been through the public system and had acute MH team care. It was the most helpful thing ever because I did not have to my story again and again. They had all my notes and was able to connect me with all services affiliated with them e.g. PARCs, inpatient stays, peer workers, psycho support worker, CATT.

Unfortunately, they do prefer face to face appointments because you can see the whole treating team. However, during COVID and thereafter, I only had phone appointments because I couldn't work and attend the appointments by 5pm. So maybe they can see you face to face at first, then have some phone appointments?

I hear there is a lot of barrier in terms of your family around accessing services. I also hear how painful your current situation is.

I really care about you @creative_writer

I hear that @creative_writer . And I hear that they have their own opinions about services. I just find it hard to see you so distraught. I'm here for you whatever you choose to do.

Whether you be straight out honest and say look, "I need help. Have me dead or alive. I've tried doing it on my own, and I can't. I do respect you. If it is not helpful, I'm more than walk away. But let me at least have a try";

or

secretly attend - but will this then cause you to feel guilt?

Hugs to you.

Have you… can you… talk to community mh about your concerns re:your parents? Perhaps they can attend an appointment with your parents?