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Struggling: TW suicide

creative_writerSenior Contributor02 Aug 2022, 3:29 pm AEST

Struggling: TW suicide

I have been struggling a lot lately with suicidal thoughts. It’s become a daily occurrence and it’s been really overwhelming to cope. I am safe right but having to fight this is very exhausting. I feel so trapped, I am tired of living in pain, fear and shame. I feel like a burden to people and unimportant.

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In response to: Struggling: TW suicide

creative_writerSenior Contributor22 Dec 2022, 8:17 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

@tyme I guess it's about one step at a time. I get anxious going out too. Maybe I should start off with small trips with familiar people. Making new friends and going into a relationship can come later down the track. There is this pressure that I need to make friends or need to find a suitable partner (especially the partner thing after SA) to marry, I slowly find myself sinking in and wanting to crawl into bed.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

tymeModerator22 Dec 2022, 8:25 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

@creative_writer , yes, small steps. One at a time. Thinking too far into the future brings much anxiety. It may also mean making rash decisions which one later regrets. Set yourself achievable goals. Yes, you have the overarching long term goals, but don’t forget to set yourself goals in between.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

creative_writerSenior Contributor22 Dec 2022, 8:34 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

@tyme it will be a process. It’s hard to dive in the deep end when you’re not used to feeling emotionally safe around people. This mask is tiring to keep on. I am too scared to be myself.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

tymeModerator22 Dec 2022, 8:44 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

With time and experiences, your ideals may also change @creative_writer . I can name many instances where I said I'm firm about something, and years on, I find i've changed.

Hence, I don't think too far ahead. Experiences definitely change people. Environmental factors change people. Genes change people. There are so many factors.

For now, there may be a particular thought or ideal that dominates. However, this doesn't mean it will remain the same forever.

In life, when things 'don't work' or don't turn out the way we expected, we may need to consider moving the goalposts. This doesn't mean we have failed. It just means there's been a reality check.

Alone now doesn't mean alone for ever.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

creative_writerSenior Contributor22 Dec 2022, 8:50 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

@tyme it’s strange how I consider family close yet I feel like I need to wear a mask in front of them too. Wearing a mask is suffocating. Sometimes I’m falling apart and I really want to cry but I don’t. I have to wait until bed. By then I may be too tired or tears won’t come.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

tymeModerator22 Dec 2022, 8:53 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

These sound like boundaries @creative_writer . Boundaries definitely have their place.

For me, the hardest part was EXPECTING i should behave a certain way, and if I didn't, I'd think it was abnormal. It took a lot of therapy work to realise it is not a sign of failure or abnormality.... I am what I am - human.

Boundaries such as not telling someone everything is also a protective factor. Let your heart guide you.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

creative_writerSenior Contributor22 Dec 2022, 9:04 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

@tyme they are boundaries. But it’s hard not being able to let go until hours afterwards. I’ll be keeping the mask on for ages. Imagine keeping it on almost all day, everyday. It’s exhausting. But it’s the only way I feel the most in control. I find my mum judging her own uncomfortable emotions and thinking she is too sensitive. I feel like my emotions would be judged, even if she means no harm, she just grew up being treated as a delicate, emotional, overly sensitive person . I’ve had times where she told me not to cry, so I guess I sort of internalised crying is not okay. I used to have a lot of tantrums as a toddler, but I sort of stopped all of a sudden, I don’t think my parents knew what to do, I was their first child, so it wasn’t conscious. But then I sort of became distant in many ways.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

tymeModerator22 Dec 2022, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

Sound so similar to my upbringing @creative_writer . I became very uncomfortable in my own skin. Always thought I was behaving or thinking in the 'wrong' way.

It took me years to develop the confidence I have today.

When I look back, I can't believe I was so shy and reserved in the past.

But certainly, upbringing plays a part in how we develop.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

creative_writerSenior Contributor22 Dec 2022, 9:37 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

@tyme I even sometimes wonder if my reactions are appropriate. Like if I am meant to feel this way. Always wondering how other people would react. But the thing is my parents never had ill intentions. I can’t say the same with a previous psychiatrist I had. I was completely invalidated, told I was making up my symptoms and playing games, and my lack of progress was to do with my lack of effort rather than anything else. If she really cared, her phone wouldn’t have been so important during our sessions. It was years ago, but I still feel bitter. I just hate having my own mental health issues invalidated by someone who was meant to help me. It took me so long to realise how toxic our client-therapist relationship was, I honestly thought I deserved it, I’ve been bullied and SA, so naturally being ill treated felt normal. She just wasn’t the therapist for me, maybe some people work better with a directive approach, but I work better with a collaborative. Her compassion also felt so forced, and it felt like I was inferior and worthless and just a piece of shit to make money out of. But I did find a very helpful psychiatrist after her, who actually healed me. But the process of finding a suitable one starts again. It’s anxiety provoking.

In response to: Re: Struggling: TW suicide

tymeModerator22 Dec 2022, 9:49 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling: TW suicide

I agree with you about parents not having ill intentions @creative_writer . For years, I really really struggled to accept that my 'issues' stemmed from my upbringing - to the point of causing childhood trauma. I didn't want to think ill of my parents, nor blame them because they did the best they could in the circumstances they were in.

I hold onto this believe, however, I have opened my mind up that my development has been affected by my childhood.

I still haven't tackled this trauma, and I probably never will. However, being able to put a name to it has helped with the healing.

I hope you too will find healing in this understanding.

Hugs, tyme

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