Struggling: TW suicide

@Jynx progressing slowly.

Feeling really lonely this morning. I think I am just trying to accept that I am no longer as important to my friends anymore. They are married, have work and busy lives. I don’t think they need me because they can get their needs met elsewhere. Friendships are bound to get distant if you don’t see them for a a year plus. I’m not sure if I’ll bother making new friends anyways because I am no on me important. I’ve never had my emotional needs ever met fully anyways. Never felt fully safe with anyone.

Maybe the sooner I realise the four walls of my bedroom is my true friend, the easier it’ll be.

I am a worthless piece of shit.

Hey @creative_writer , What's happening today to make you say the above?

Sitting with you, tyme

@tyme people no longer care about me because I am worthless

@creative_writer , it may feel like that right now, but it doesn't mean these feelings will stay this way.

Can you do something to distract yourself right now?

@tyme I took a step back, literally lost control over my emotions today, and spent so long 😭😭😭. It’s hard not to internalise things. I’ll tell myself people don’t want to be around me because of my mental illnesses. I also feel so shameful, gross, dirty. Like who can love me? Maybe friends are busy, and is drifting a part is nothing to do with me. I don’t think they abandoned me, since we text occasionally, but I somehow feel less important and rejected by them. I somehow feel like I’ve destroyed my relationships. I feel like I destroy things with my depressive mood. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. I don’t know. My fear of rejection is on overdrive right now.

@tyme will be having dinner soon. Really should wash my face

Hearing you @creative_writer .

That pain of rejection is so real. I'm not sure if I shared this with you before, but there was a time when I was very close to my sister. Then, she met her other half, got married and had children. I was so upset at first. I felt so rejected.

Yet, stepping back, I wanted the best for them. I realised that marriage means to move away from family and be tied to your family. This is her calling. I cannot take that away.

This is only my experience and how I finally accepted this 'rejection'. It does not necessarily mean I am 'less important', but moreso that people move on with their lives.

Then again, I'm also aware I'm a late bloomer. I seem to be 10 steps behind others.

Hope I'm making sense.

@tyme I guess I’ve craved love and wanting to feel understood enough (since no one can completely understand you, including yourself) and haven’t been able to find both. My family love me, but I don’t really feel understood enough. Like it would be nice to have someone I feel completely safe with, even one person. But I suppose I need to work on myself before I can even do that. It hard, sometimes we grow up thinking we always need our guard up or we will get hurt.