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Survivors guilt?

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor07 July 2022, 6:21 pm AEST

Survivors guilt?

Is that even a thing, maybe there is another term for it?

For context I spent a lot of time when I was younger looking after all of my younger siblings, in a pretty effed up family situation which I won’t get into, and later on ended up spending a lot of time looking after my younger brother in particular teaching him basic life stuff and he lived with me for a bit.

I feel like despite the cards we were given and how unwell I was at one point as a result of this trauma, I’m doing pretty well overall, like I have a job, partner + kids, hobbies etc. I still struggle but I’m functioning day to day just fine.

But my younger brother who I spent so much time on supporting has been left behind here somewhere, when I let go of the reins a little bit and let him go out into the world something went wrong, and I hadn’t seen him since before COVID when things were supposedly going pretty well for him. We were in contact recently and I can see he’s in a bad place and has run into a fair bit of trouble with the police.

I feel guilty. I managed to break out of the cycle but he’s still stuck in it.

I almost don’t want to get involved which is another layer of guilt, I just don’t want to get into a situation where I’m caring for him again when I have a young family to care for or I get involved with his legal issues with the police. I don’t want to associate myself with this kind of thing anymore. To be perfectly honest I’d prefer to detach myself from all of my bio family (not including ones made by me, obviously).

I feel sick thinking about this… I feel awful for him yet I feel awful for not supporting him right now when he needs me, I obviously didn’t do enough in the beginning.

I can’t bring myself to block and no respond to his messages because I’ll live with the guilt forever, but I know his attachment style is that when I reply, he will want every minute of my time and every ounce of my energy.

😩

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In response to: Survivors guilt?

ExhaustedCarerSenior Contributor03 Aug 2022, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: Survivors guilt?

Oh the guilt. It eats at me. I have survivors guilt. Out of four kids, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a complex and serious mental illness and/or addiction. This guilt is compounded because it’s not just luck or randomness, but my bother who I care for (alcoholism- severe) was the first responder to a serious suicide attempt by my mother (she is still alive). He was 16 at the time and it was the mid-90s. No one cared for or responded to him in relation to it. No one even really saw that he’d saved our mother’s life. It’s not in our family folklore or way of seeing ourselves. And from this trauma (and other family dysfunction) and in the 25 years since he has developed a terrifying alcohol addiction. I’m plagued with guilt- survivors guilt but also- why didn’t I try and stop his drinking in a real way earlier (I know it’s irrational and we don’t necessarily have that power but the feeling is still real). And now, because our family is so dysfunctional, I’m strongly motivated by a sense that I must make this family as well as we possibly can be - because dammit despite how fucked up we are, we are good, unique, wonderful people who deserve a chance. And there’s the other guilt - I feel so guilty that my brother’s potential and his wondrousness haven’t had the same chance to live a good life and have the opportunities I’ve had.

In response to: Re: Survivors guilt?

tymeModerator03 Aug 2022, 9:21 pm AEST

Re: Survivors guilt?

I respect you very much for post @ExhaustedCarer . I also hear how exhausting caring for loved ones can be. And yes, you are right in saying that you put on your own oxygen mask on first.

You are welcome to connect with other carers on JOIN US: Wednesdays’ Well of Wellness – Wellness Tips for Carers! It's a chance to remember to set some boundaries for yourself in terms of self-care.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

I am so glad you have found our forums and are able to offer such valuable insights into being a carer. At the same time, I hope you will also gain from the connection you develop, and the stories other members share.

Thank you, tyme

In response to: Re: Survivors guilt?

ExhaustedCarerSenior Contributor03 Aug 2022, 9:27 pm AEST

Re: Survivors guilt?

This is wonderful- thank you Tyme! I haven’t practiced self-care for so long because I always think I can’t relax until mum and brother are in a good place but tonight, at a loss, I came here. And two hours later it’s been my first and best self-care for a long time. Great forum- great to unload and share and connect and know we’re so not alone.

In response to: Re: Survivors guilt?

tymeModerator03 Aug 2022, 9:44 pm AEST

Re: Survivors guilt?

That's the hard part. Carers don't think of themselves, and forget that it it OKAY to take a break. Schedule it in. This is your time. If you wait until your loved ones are in a good place, you may experience burnout first @ExhaustedCarer .

I feel so connected with you already, even though we've just 'met'!

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