Survivors guilt?

I would term that "healthy boundary-setting" @ArraDreaming . Let's see what the community says 🙂

@ArraDreaming

Older siblings are not parents. They do not have the responsibilities of parents. You did your best when he was younger, and still are soul searching for the best way to handle a difficult situation. This does seem a situation where healthy boundaries are important. You can still love your brother, but first priority is to your children, your self care, and he has to shoulder his own burden.

Hi @ArraDreaming,

What you say and the feelings you have around this situation makes a lot of sense to me. A close family member of mine has a serious mental illness and I often feel a sense of I guess survivor's guilt that this happened to them and not me.

I used to feel a big sense of duty to take care of them (as they don't really have anyone else in their life apart from their professional team) and be there for them all the time but it was wearing me out and affecting my own family (I had young children at the time). I realised that I was giving so much of my energy to try and support my family member that I was almost emotionally neglecting my kids, my partner and myself. I came to realise that healthy boundaries were not only needed they were a necessity to ensure the wellbeing of all involved.

I still support my family member but now it is in the constraints of healthy boundaries, and knowing how much I am willing / able to support my family on any given day. I really believe in the idea that you hear when you are on a plane - put the oxygen mask on yourself first so then you can help others if you are able.

I also understand how you feel when you talk about the guilt that sits with your around this. I can only speak from my lived experience but over the years I have learned that setting boundaries, knowing my limits, and learning to release the guilt has helped me cope a lot. I will always do my best to help my family member but I have learnt to do it on my terms now and I feel okay with this.

I wish you all the best @ArraDreaming - I can see you really do care about your brother, just remember it's okay to care about yourself too.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

Thanks all @FloatingFeather @Appleblossom @tyme

We actually organised to meet so I could see him in person and talk about this, this was yesterday. Drove an hour to Melbourne to meet him, he wanted to come here I said absolutely friggen not let’s meet in a public place. We were meant to meet at a cafe and the little shit didn’t show up. I was so annoyed, what a waste of my time. I ended up seeing some people I hadn’t seen since pre Covid instead, and it was a great catch up but I was so annoyed.

Hi @ArraDreaming,

I just wanted to say a big congrats to you for trying to meet up with your brother. That was a really great thing you tried to do despite your reservations. It's a shame he didn't turn up but at least you can say you tried and at the end of the day that's all you can do.

I totally understand why you were annoyed but I'm glad the trip wasn't a total waste of time - sounds like you enjoyed a catch up with some people you haven't seen for a long time.

Hope you are doing okay. Your brother is lucky to have you.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

@ArraDreaming

You set decent boundaries. You did not want him getting too close to more vulnerable people like your small family. He did not show. It was not a total waste of time, as YOU SHOWED UP FOR HIM, and saw some old contacts.

Hope that he sorts out things for himself.

Hope you continue on your path. We leave the nest, and we walk some of the way with our brothers. You can only do so much.

Sadly I have been in similar positions with my siblings, feeling responsible, keeping open and reaching out.

Take Care of you.

@ArraDreaming

Sorry about your brother. Feel the anger and make your decision. It was a pretty poor act. Your time and energy is valuable. You are a father and have to balance a lot with young ones.

I am reading a book about boundaries, as they dont come easily to me.

I hear you @ArraDreaming and I agree with Apple, your time is important and particularly when you have a young family it's hard to find the time. It's not fair and I can feel your frustration. Something I've learnt along the way.. It's not up to us to save other people, they have to want to save themselves. Easier said than done when it's family and someone you care about.