Exhausted

I slept in till 10am today, i wasn't really sleeping but just under my weighted blanket resting. When I got up I noticed my mum was out riding her new horse. It's a black mare, we named her pearl (or black pearl. I took the dogs and went around picking up sticks for the fire, it was such a nice day, the sun was shining and Moses my dog wanted me to throw all the sticks for him instead of putting them in the wheelbarrow... that was funny. Mum asked me to have a ride of pearl. I said she would know I wasn't confident and that it wasn't a good idea but she convinced me. I sat on pearl and mum walked infront, pearl just followed mum around it was really cute. I had a trot and a canter eventually. I also lead her over some poles and tiny jumps, eventually she was trotting over the jumps as I ran and lead her. There was some time when she was sniffing my arm alot and then started making these funny happy noises... I called to mum and she said that meant pearl was happy with me. It really struck my heart, I wish I could explain it better. It felt like a connection between us. It felt therapeutic.

After we brushed pearl and fed her I was so exhausted but I knew my best friend was still coming over. She knows now the seriousness of my MI and has been making such an effort to support me, but I started to feel very socially anxious (we've been best friends since we were 12). So silly, why my brain like this.

I was pretty awkward for a while and really didn't feel like talking but she stayed for dinner and we ended up having a cup of tea and some chocolate after dinner, I had to put so much effort into my end of the conversation because I am just so introverted right now. I feel so socially useless. She asked if I had decided what I wanted to do for my birthday and we decided we would go to the cinema to see Jurassic World, we both like the franchise and i like the smell of the cinema.

So she has gone home now and I'm so exhausted. I feel like I was socially terrible and if my best friend wasn't so gracious and kind she would have thought I was 1. Weird or 2. Rude. Which most people think I am. I just wish I could be my happy, bubbly, confident self again. Instead of depressed, introvert and boring. BUT anyway I am being kind to myself and taking things one day at a time. I had a special occasion and that is something for me to be proud of, because I just want to isolate. But I didn't. So yay.

I'm still not sure what's going to happy on my psych app on the 7th of July. If I change medication it will be a very high risk time. I'm glad I have SANE. I will keep talking to you guys.

Christheart