Exhausted

Well done @Christheart for putting yourself out there.

Im glad you enjoyed your time with the horse. Hope you are able to maintain that connection in the hard moments.

I get the weird and rude! I actually overheard a conversation at work the other day where they were saying I had a resting b…h face! I am social awkward at the best of times. You are so lucky to have her in your life!

@Captain24 Ive heard that horses can be very valuable as therapy animals. So I am very glad my mum bought Pearl and that I will get to spend time bonding with her and helping to train her. There was something very special about it.

I am so sorry people were talking about you like that 😔 Overhearing people talk about you can be absolutely terrible, even were during MI. I worked in a factory once during an episode of MI, I was so shy and nervous, and insecure. I overheard some people saying I ‘didn’t have much upstairs’, as in, I was dumb. Little did they know I’m not dumb, I have an illness. It’s taken me a long time to recover from that, and it made my insecurity even worse at the time.

I am blessed to have her. I really am!!! 🥺

I hope tonight is being kind to you,

christheart

Hi @Christheart @Captain24 !

Yes, have you heard of the 'horse whisperer'? They are people who just seem to have the special touch. And yes, horses are incredible. They seem to have this other 'sense' that can connect with humans. I've seen horses do miracles for some autistic children deemed 'non-verbal'. After therapy sessions with a horse, they begin to verbally communicate. It's marvellous.

As for being socially awkward. I FEEL socially awkward all the time when I'm around people, and hence I prefer not to be in gatherings. However, according to people, they would never guess I have that inner anxiety. For example, I avoid weddings, parties etc unless there I kids there I can hide behind. What I mean is, I seem to busy myself looking after other people's kids (or talking to them), so I don't have to speak to adults. Sounds so weird. When I told a family member of this social anxiety, they were shocked - they said they'd NEVER have guessed because I seem so 'natural' - whatever that means.

So yeah, I don't like being around too many people. I do it because I know it's good to get out of my comfort zone sometimes. But yes, @Christheart , I was always deemed a 'dud' when I was a kid. I was not very 'quick' in the mind compared to my siblings, so I was sort of excluded. Sad eh? People don't realised the lasting effects of what they do and say to children.... some of the things they said were so nasty that I couldn't even write it here.

Any photos of Pearl? @Christheart

@tyme Its s hard because being introverted or social anxious makes you feel less valuable. But really our value doesn’t come from what we say or how well we can entertain… our value is our spirit and it is unconditional… trying to remind myself of this, it’s really helping my self worth. I think putting myself down is a huge part of my depression. and with the social awkwardness, I feel that that isolates me from connecting with people, and that is part of the depression too… but depression often starts and then because of my low mood I begin to struggle socially, it’s hard to know which comes first. But either way, I have decided I can see the end of this mess, I’ve asked God to see me through it, and I’m making plans for when I get better.. I want to buy a ticket to the UK and rent a van. I’m so in love with the British history and country side, I want to see Yorkshire and Cornwall the most. A week ago I thought I was going to end my life so I am very glad to be thinking about the future!

And I’m eager to see what happens while I’m spending time with Pearl. Just the little experience today where she was communicating with me by smelling me and making happy noises it really touched me and made me feel valued, cause she was showing affection to me, this is what mum said and she knows horse body language!

here is a photo of Pearl, this was her first day with us she had been running around and was a bit sweaty.

Thank you for sharing @Christheart . You have some amazing insights. I also believe that my feeling of social awkwardness led to reduced self value and depression. However, I now know that people change. I think with age, I've definitely changed in terms of how I value myself. And you are right - it comes from within.

Any change is progress. Although sometimes you may think it is a backward step, it is actually progress in a way.

As for your interests in English history etc, that's amazing! I'm learning more and more about British history, especially in terms of the effects on Australia. It is intriguing. I never enjoyed modern history as a child, but now, I can't get enough of it!

Thank you for sharing the photo of Pearl. She's so beautiful! I'm glad Pearl was a good listener for you, so affectionate and loving. You really deserve it. There's so much in you that you've given back to the community already. You have a heart of gold.

Kindest,

tyme

I get what you are both saying about social anxiety @Christheart @tyme .

Even in my best of times I struggle in a crowd of more that 5. I don’t speak in front of people. Age hasn’t helped me at all @tyme. I am always the quiet and withdrawn one in the room. I’m hoping that I can learn to value myself.

I went to Spain 10yrs ago and after seeing it I would love to go to the uk one day. Just to see the history and the beauty of it.

Beautiful photo @Christheart.

I agree with @tyme you deserve it!
The support you have both given me is amazing you both have a great heart.

@tyme I think my interest in British history and countryside began with watching period dramas… and loving cottages and that my family history comes from Ireland. I don’t know why but I just love love love it. I want to see it for myself.

Thank you @tyme This place has been a safe haven and an anchor for me. I know there is a rough journey ahead of me, but I know the forums will always be here for me.

have a lovely night and sweet dreams, thank you for talking with me tonight ❤️

christheart

Thank you @Captain24

You’re a awesome.

It is hard when society puts such a high expectation of us and people that are extroverted seem to be the ones that are highly valued. We weren’t taught it by society, but the truth is we are very valuable too, even if quiet! We just have to remember that, which is hard, especially if you have a MI. I hope when I recover I can continue to value myself despite my introverted personality. There must be joy to be had in life even as an unmarried person with 1 friend lol. But I do hope I can enjoy myself again, one day, I’m looking toward that future hopefully. I just have to get through this trial. I will never take good mental health for granted again, once I recover im going to live different, and do all the things I want to do, but put off before.

Thank you @Captain24 you’re friendship is very valuable to me and you too @tyme

Hi @Christheart,

I just finished reading your post. You write so well and are so expressive in your style - I could almost imagine your dog jumping around asking for you to throw the sticks instead of putting them in the wheelbarrow! It read like a really lovely morning.

As for how you felt when your friend come to visit what you said really resonated with me. I know that feeling when you need to put effort into being social. I guess my friends would describe me as an extrovert introvert. I can be extroverted for a few hours and then it's like a run out of battery really quickly and need to be alone to recharge (it almost comes out of nowhere). I wish I could be the bubbly life of the party type of person all the time but I've come to realise and accept that this is how I am and that's okay.

Your friend sounds similar to my best friend - we have been friends for many years and she is very understanding of me on those occasions I don't want to chat or socialise. It use to upset her because she would get concerned that she had upset me in some way (blame herself for my mood). Once I realised that's what she thought we come to an understanding to talk it through. Since then (if I'm in a non-social mood) she will just say something like "just want to check your mood isn't because of me" and once she knows I just need some time out from the world she is fine, and then I reach out to her again when I'm ready. Sounds like you have a best friend that is just as nice and understanding as mine 🙂

It's great to read you are being kind and patient with yourself. Whenever I feel low and down on myself I try to think what would I say to my best friend if she was feeling this way (safe to say I would be supportive, understanding and encouraging). It's weird how we are often so much kinder to our friends than to ourselves.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

@FloatingFeather Thank you guys much for your kind message. I really put myself down about not expressing myself well so it was pretty nice to read that you thought I expressed myself well! ☺❤

And yes it was a very lovely morning, I really had to be in the moment and just appreciate the beauty and simplicity of green grass, sunshine and a silly happy doggy.

I'm glad we have both been blessed friends like this. !!

Christheart